MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

I Updated My Author Page and Please Follow. Thank You!

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/11/18

Hello,

I spent some time this morning updating my author page on Amazon. You know how a thought hits and you decide to do it? Well, that's what happened. I wasn't expecting to do an update, but something urged me to do so. So...here's what it says and I invite you to visit and follow. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Ellen (The URL is at the bottom of the post.)

Ellen DuBois wrote I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery because she didn't want women to feel as alone as she did after her miscarriage over twenty-years ago. It was a "pre-Internet" world, and trying to find something to help with her grief seemed impossible. In her book, Ellen shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed several helpful chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Additionally, there are four touching stories from women who lived through the pain of miscarriage.

The second half on the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing after miscarriage. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief and your loss matters, as do you."

Her fiction book, Jackie's Heart, is also available on Amazon in ebook format. It's romance packed with suspense. It's a story of love, loss, grief, overcoming the odds and a taking a chance on love again. It's been called a real "page turner", filled with twists and unexpected turns. Although her first published work of fiction, this editorial review says: "Can't miss" formula,...combining tragedy with romance & throwing in enough criminal activities to build and hold the reader's interest." -- The Sunday Enterprise, August 31, 2003 Zel Levin, Easton author's book combines tragedy, romance

Ms. DuBois has also been published by: Blue Mountain Arts with her poem "I Whispered a Prayer or Two" as an inspirational greeting card and included in their gift book, "Sisters"; is a contributing author in More God Allows U-Turns (Barbour Publishing/Promise Press); Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News (Hunterhouse Publishing) and Soul Matters for Teens (Thomas Nelson Inc.).

Ellen DuBois resides in Massachusetts with her fiance and rescue dog, Cooper. She's working on her next book, teaching piano, enjoys photography, making jewelry and "learning something new every day on this journey called life." She welcomes you to visit her miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com and her personal/author site at ellendubois.com.

Check out my #author page at this easy to remember url! amazon.com/author/ellendubois via @amazon Thank you, Ellen

Four Miscarriages: Please Don't Tell Me I'm Fine #Repost #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/10/18



Jane Says: (Name has been changed for privacy)

Hi. Sorry I don't know if you could help, you can tell me to go away. I have never talked about my 4 miscarriages before, we been talking and trying for children for the past 2 years. I was 14 weeks when I lost my first, then was 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 11 weeks. I feel so lost and my partner keeps telling me it's fine we will have a child one day but I really don't want to keep putting myself through this, the saddness and the loss.

Ellen Says:

I am so sorry for your losses and I'd never tell you to go away. Ever. You've been though so much Chloe. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner, either. My father's recovering from surgery a while back.

You have so much on your plate. You are grieving four babies and I'd be afraid of going through that kind of pain again, too. It's a lot to miscarry once...and you've been through this four times. My heart goes out to you.

I don't know if you've considered talking to someone about how you're feeling, but I know it helped for me. Some people aren't comfortable with it while others are. I'm no professional, but I certainly care about your pain and understand what you're going through.

Does your partner know how scared you are? Does he 'get' how each baby you lost was a life you loved and are grieving? I ask because so many times women's partners don't really understand. It's not his fault. We're all different and although he loves you and is grieiving in his own way, you went through it...you lived it.

I don't know if a conversation like that with him would help. Sometimes it can because you connect more. I would venture to guess he says you'll both have another child one day because he's trying to help you but doesn't know how. The pain you're feeling isn't something that can be "fixed" and many times men want to "fix things". I'm trying to stereotype anyone, just basing this on my own experiences.

If I don't use your name, I can share this on my blog and on this FB page and perhaps some women will share their stories with you. I think it always helps when you connect with people who have lived the same. Just let me know if it's okay with you.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you loads of prayers.

Take care of you, and again, I'm so sorry for your losses



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


#Repost Miscarriage: Feeling Abnormal? It's Normal #miscarriage #Miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/02/18



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-five (this said 22 years when I first wrote it), years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry.

I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Take Care of Yourself (Even when you don't feel up to it.)

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/28/18



I remember feeling so filled with sadness after my miscarriage.  I didn't think much about taking care of myself. The days were filled with countless tears. I walked around feeling like there was a wet blanket draped over my shoulders.


My energy was spent trying to get through the day without crying. Tears came at unexpected times, along with panic attacks, social anxiety and depression. It was a terrible mix and it was all part of my grief.

Losing my baby to miscarriage was one of the saddest things I've ever lived through. It took a long time for the world to feel "right" again. During the months that followed my miscarriage, I didn't sleep well, didn't eat right, didn't talk much about my loss and kept so much inside.  I pushed through the days. I went to work, came home, made dinner and felt the distance grow between my husband and I.  I didn't have him to lean on when I needed him most, so I carried my feelings around like the heavy, wet blanket I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Self care is not selfish. Taking care of yourself so you don't get sick, especially when you're grieving, is so important. I get that it's difficult because you're so caught up in feeling sad that you don't think about nurturing yourself- your soul. 
I spiraled downward until I landed at the doctor's office right before the Fourth of July. I was very weak and it was so hard to breathe. I'll never forget that day. I called my mother and she brought me. I didn't have the strength to drive.

Turns out I had a double lobe pneumonia. It was the worst Fourth of July I ever had. I spent it coughing on the couch, surrounded by tissues while my husband, (at the time), went to a family cookout down the street. I don't say this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It was a long time ago and I wanted him to go. But, it was terrible! 

I learned the hard way how important it is to take care of yourself, even when you don't feel up to it. You are so worth it and when you're grieving, you often don't see (or feel) it.

I am so sorry for your loss. One day at a time and if you can remember to take a minute each day to check in with yourself, please do. Ask yourself if you've eaten anything, rested, drank enough water, talked to anyone if you felt like it, etc. Did you give yourself permission to cry? Those tears have to fall sometime to free up room inside for healing.  How's your faith? Did you ask God for help? The angels? There is a support system there for you all the time, even when you can't see it and feel alone. I learned that, too.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Mother Forever to a Baby in Heaven

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/25/18



The thought came to me about 5 minutes ago. I wanted to share it with you. Sending love and light your way and I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you find some comfort here.

"Sometimes I get stuck in my head and start feeling sad about not being a mother. Then I realize that although my baby is not with me the way I'd like, my child lives on in Heaven. That makes me a mother- forever."- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com and author of I Never Held You.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


The Emotional Debris of Miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/19/18



This quote is from Anna Pizzoferatto's story in my book, "I Never Held You". I was flipping through it today and what she said really struck a cord. 


It's so true. Just the word miscarriage causes so many feelings from over twenty-years ago to come to the surface. I liken it to recall, where everything you thought was tucked away or "dealt with" feels like it just happened. 

I lost my baby over 25 years ago. It's hard to wrap my head around how long it's been since I miscarried. Over 25 years? Yet, whether it's a scene in a movie about miscarriage, something I read, a TV commercial or show, the raw sadness and grief I felt all those years ago sometimes blindsides me.

I think it's normal- at least it's my normal. I've come to accept I won't ever forget my miscarriage. I won't stop loving my baby. I don't want to forget him because he changed my life. In my world, we'll always be connected.

If years have gone by and you're feeling sad about your miscarriage, please know you're not alone. If you wonder why you suddenly miss the baby you never got to watch grow up- you're not alone. So many of us keep the emotional debris miscarriage leaves in its path tucked away. Now and then, triggers cause  feelings to surface. You're not abnormal for feeling them. Not by a long shot.

Love and peace to you,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I Never Held You, an update on my book description. #miscarriagebook #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/13/18



Hello,


If you're here, let me first say that I am deeply sorry for your loss. Anyone who knows the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage is forever in my thoughts and prayers.

It's a difficult road to walk, and that's an understatement.

Something prompted me to read the description of my miscarriage support book on Amazon: I Never Held You. My gut told me to update it and so I followed it. I wanted to share it with you because this book was written after I dug out of the rubble left behind after I miscarried.  I wanted to share and help others who were feeling the same, (lost, grief, alone, isolated), but could find little support. My book came out in 2003 and again in 2006 through Createspace.

Back then, there weren't a whole lot of books or resources to turn to. I needed someone, something, to let me know I'd be okay and wasn't alone. I always had my faith and took great comfort in God, but I longed for human connection, too.

With that being said, here's my revised book description: 

I Never Held You is a support book for those who have endured the heartbreak of suffering a miscarriage. Written by Ellen M. DuBois with contributions by Dr. Linda Backman, this book poignantly describes how lonely and isolating a miscarriage can make you feel, validates your loss and most importantly, gently assures you you're not alone in your grief. With several stories by women who have miscarried, including the author's, this book shows how different women share similar feelings of loss, grief and ultimately hope and healing after miscarriage. Additionally, the author shares suggestions that proved helpful to her in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after her loss, including anxiety attacks. From prayer and exercise to meditation and more, you can pick and choose what resonates with you. With the help of Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for support after miscarriage, this book will help you or a loved one. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com

So, that's it. I simply wanted to share this with you. 

God Bless and if you're feeling alone, please know you are not.

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage: You Have The Right To Grieve #repost #miscarriage #righttogrieve

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/08/18



If you've suffered a miscarriage, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know it's a very difficult time. You probably feel like your world has been rocked to the core and maybe you feel like your grief, your very REAL grief, is being dismissed.

Ouch. If that's what you're experiencing, I know what it's like. I know how much you loved your baby and how you were planning on the big arrival. I understand what it's like to ache so much you feel it in your soul. I also know what it's like to hurt so much and feel alone in your grief.

If it seems like family and friends don't know how to support you, I get that, too. I think what hurts even more is when your grief is dismissed. Perhaps someone has told you that it's been long enough and you should just move on. Quite possibly a friend has said you can always have another baby and to hold on to that thought. The well intended words of a family member or friend who said there was probably something wrong with the baby hurt you more than helped.

When people dismiss your grief by telling you to move on, etc., it's painful. It's like saying your baby didn't matter and your loss should be somehow easier to deal with. Those of us who lived it know that simply isn't true.

Your loss is real and your journey through grief is just as real. It takes time, as with any loss, to even begin to start feeling like yourself again. Even at that, you're a changed version of yourself. Grief forces you to grow and I know it's a very painful way to do so.

There's so much going on inside of you when you suffer a miscarriage- mentally, physically and spiritually. The emotions you go through are sometimes excruciating. Not everyone is aware of this and you may feel pressured to go through your grief "quickly".

You don't need to do that, nor should you feel like you have to. After my miscarriage, I didn't like walking through the fire, but I had to do it. I didn't even see it while I was going through it. But, it was a fire and it took time to get over those hot coals.

If you feel like you don't have the right to grieve because others are either trying to push you forward before you're ready, please give yourself the time and space you need.

You have the right to grieve...and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

God Bless and may you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage, Anniversary Dates, Remembering #Repost #miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/31/18



It's hard to believe, but my baby would have been in his twenties now. Sometimes, it seems so long ago. Other times, like the anniversary date of my miscarriage, the sting comes back. You heal. You move forward with life. You don't forget. The heart can't.- Ellen M. DuBois



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


A Letter To My Baby In Heaven #miscarriage #repost #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/29/18



Dear Baby of Mine,


I think about you so often. I decided to write you a letter. Something tells me you already know what I'm writing to you.

I loved you since the moment I knew you. I never felt a love so strong or so deep. It's unlike any other kind of love I experienced.

Knowing you were growing inside of me made me feel a connection to you that words can't describe. I remember patting my belly gently, talking to you and sometimes, I'd smile just knowing you were there, safe and sound.

I had so many wishes, hopes and dreams for you. I was so excited to see you for the very first time and hold you in my arms.

Well, one day, all of that went away. You had to go back to Heaven and I bet it's because you were too good for this earth. I've heard that expression before and something tells me it's true. I've also heard about soul lessons, and I think you came into my life to teach me about mine.

I'll never know what God's full plan is for me, but I know you coming into my life was part of it. I also know you leaving was another part of it...but, it hurt unlike anything I've felt or ever will. 

You taught me so much, like how much stronger I was than I thought. You taught me that love transcends everything, even death. You taught me how precious life is and to treasure every moment because it can change in an instant. You taught me that even though we are not together here, we are always connected- it's REAL. You taught me that my feelings should be expressed, not held in. You taught me that tears help to heal wounds and holding them in isn't good for me. You taught me how to take my pain and turn it around to help others. You taught me that everything is not in my control and how important it is to have faith in God for support. There were times I didn't know how I'd get through the day, and faith carried me. God carried me. The angels helped me and I bet you did, too.

I pictured Jesus holding you in his arms so many times. That comforted me while my arms ached to hold you.

I know it's been a long time since I lost you, but I have never, ever stopped loving you. 

You taught me that whether in Heaven or on earth, I will always be your mother.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for every other way you touched my life and heart. 

I Will Love You Forever,

Mom


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Remembering you on Memorial Day...and every day.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/28/18



It's Memorial Day. I remember all those who served this country and made the ultimate sacrifice. 


I also remember those I've loved so deeply and lost. This is a day marked by parades in small towns and large cities. Memorial Day and its meaning become tearfully clear through hundreds of thousands of American flags marking the graves of those who served in all branches of the military. They are remembered.

Memorial Day is also seen in the thousands upon thousands of flowers, lovingly placed at the graves of family members and friends who have crossed over to the other side.

And, I remember the baby I loved so much and lost all those years ago. I have no grave to visit to place flowers upon, but my baby forever lives in my heart and in spirit. I remember my little one and always will on Memorial Day - and every day.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


You are Remembered, #bereavedmothersday

by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/08/18

This post is two days late, but the thought remains the same. I am thinking and praying for all of you who have felt the sting missing your baby, especially as Mother's Day approaches. This is a repost from last year. Love and Light to you, Ellen





To all mothers who have lost a child: Our pain is reflected in each other's eyes. We've traveled the same road, far and wide. You are remembered, thought of and loved, as you miss your children in Heaven above. On this bereaved Mother's Day, remember LOVE makes a mother for always, in ALL ways.- Ellen M. DuBois

#bereavedmothersday from my heart to yours. Love and God Bless you, Ellen

If you find yourself feeling sad as Mother's Day approaches, you are not alone. Feeling more than one emotion at once is normal. You can celebrate being a mother, your own mother or a mother figure and still grieve the loss of your little one...no matter when it happened. - Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com and author of I Never Held You.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Feeling Sad as Mother's Day Approaches

by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/03/18




If you find yourself feeling sad as Mother's Day approaches, you are not alone. Feeling more than one emotion at once is normal. You can celebrate being a mother, your own mother or a mother figure and still grieve the loss of your little one...no matter when it happened. - Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com and author of I Never Held You.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


The Tears Flowed and I Let Them #miscarriage #anniversarydates #support

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/24/18



And that's exactly what happened on the anniversary date of my miscarriage. I know it's been years, but the tears weld up. I don't know if the trigger was an argument I had, missing my mother as her birthday approaches, (she's been gone for 3 years now), or cellular memory. I believe that's very real. My body, mind and spirit remember what I felt all those years ago. Whatever it was, the tears flowed and I let them.




 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Life Since My Miscarriage, 27 Years Later.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/23/18



Today marks the day I lost my baby 27 years ago. It's a day that changed my life. My whole path shifted direction when I miscarried. What I thought would be and what was were suddenly very different.


No matter when you suffer a miscarriage, it's not something you forget. As I learned, life pushes on. However, in those dark, scary days, weeks and months and even years after I miscarried, I had a very tough time keeping up with life. So many times I felt like grief consumed me and I was going through the motions.

Looking back, I see how over time, I began to find myself again. It took a long time and I never, not even once, forgot about the baby I loved and never got to hold. He touched my heart and my life in so many ways.

How? Losing my baby prompted me to write a book years later on my experiences, grief, healing. There wasn't much available back then and I was so frustrated with the disappointment I felt every time I searched for a book to help me cope and make me feel less alone. My little Alex, (I named him), was the reason for this website. I wanted a place to share in our experiences after miscarriage to again, make us feel less isolated in our pain.

There's no time limit, no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no date marked on the calendar saying, "Okay. Enough. You can get on with it now." You just do the best you can, like I did. Like so many of us who miscarried have. Your best is good enough. I wish I knew that back then. I always felt my best wasn't good enough because I felt I was barely scraping by in everything I did.

My marriage suffered. I won't blame the ending of my marriage on my miscarriage, but I do know communicating with your spouse/partner is so important. Otherwise, those feelings can eat you up inside and drive a wedge between you and your partner. 

Every day tasks, like grocery shopping felt like I was climbing Mount Everest because I suffered such anxiety after I miscarried. I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop what I was doing and take a deep breath, or pull over for a few minutes until my panic attacks subsided. It was so frightening.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that if you're feeling any of these things, you are not alone. It's not new because I felt them years ago. What's been changing is the way miscarriage is talked about more. I'm very thankful for that because I know what it's like to feel you've got nobody, even when you're surrounded by people you love.

(I also learned I was never truly alone because I always had God and the angels by my side, even when I didn't feel like I did.)

I've come a long way since that dark time so long ago. But, I've never forgotten my baby, what it felt like to miscarry and how alone I felt. That's why I'm still here, reaching out to let you know you're not alone. 

I wish you comfort and healing- and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here's a great, big hug- Ellen






 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I am a Rainbow Baby. #rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babyloss

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/13/18



If you look up the definition of a rainbow baby, here's one you'll find: (I got this from google). "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison."

I'm kind of "all over the place" with this post, but please bear with me.

April can be a difficult month for a few reasons. I miscarried in April, so there hasn't been an April in 26 years that I haven't thought about the baby I loved, lost and never got to hold. My mother's birthday is in April and she passed away three years ago. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't missed her- more than words can say. 

I've had this thought several times, but it's the first time I've written about it: I am a rainbow baby. My mother lost my brother David when he was 18 months old. He had Hydrocephalus, "which is a brain condition that happens when cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) — the clear, watery fluid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord — can't drain from the brain. It then pools, causing a buildup of fluid in the skull."

When my brother passed away, my sister was about 4 and a half years old. My mother was seven months pregnant with me.

I can't even imagine how she and my father must have felt. Grieving the loss of their beloved son and knowing another baby was going to arrive in short order. They also had my sister to love and take care of. Wow.

Years later, my mother and I were talking about David. He couldn't walk, but loved playing ball with my mother. When I say playing ball, it was David laying on the floor and my mother rolling a ball to him. He'd laugh, she said. How he loved it. We also talked about when they lost him. My sister found him and woke my mother up saying "Mom, why won't David wake up?" My father was at work and drove home at about 100 mph. When the police pulled him over and found out why he was speeding, they escorted him home. My sister was brought to a neighbor's house and she remembers a sea of "legs" in blue uniforms. 

My mother and I talked some more and she said, "I knew you were special."

That in no way diminishes the equal love she had for my two sisters. We were all special to her. I think what she meant was after going through such a terrible loss, I came along a mere three months later. I can't imagine just having buried my son and having a new, little life to take care of. But, that's the way it was. David went to heaven in February and I was born in May of the same year. My sister was there to welcome me into the family. Later, my younger sister joined us.

My father and I talked about my brother's passing and me coming along so soon after. Back then, Dads didn't go into the delivery room. Many times, they went about their day and waited for a call from the doctor, which is exactly what my father did. He recalled just getting into work when the phone rang. It was the doctor who said, "What are you doing there? You've got a healthy, baby girl!" 

My father told me the only word he cared about was "healthy". He and my mother were on pins and needles for the remainder of her pregnancy with me. After enduring such a loss, who could blame them?

My two sisters and I have always been close. We each had a unique bond with my mother. My mother and I always shared a very spiritual bond. I can't help but feel (I mean deep in my gut) it had something to do with being a rainbow baby. 

They say babies learn and feel so much while still in the womb. I have always felt a strong connection to my brother, David, even though I never met him. I believe I felt some of my mother's pain when they lost him as well as her deep faith in God.

I've read about rainbow babies and shared posts from women who have had them. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am a rainbow baby and to me, it explains so much.

To my own baby, my mother and my brother in Heaven, I love you all more than words can say.

Forever.



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

#rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babyloss

The Time You Said Goodbye #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/05/18



I remember it like yesterday,
though it was long ago.
I lost you at this time of year- 
My baby, I loved you so. 

When the blossoms flower on the trees and grass begins to green- 
when the birds sing their lullabye-
I wonder what would have been.

Although you couldn't stay with me, 
I know you had to fly.
I miss you more this time of year, 
the time you said goodbye

Ellen M. DuBois, 2018



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

7 Things You Need To Hear After Miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/03/18

I wrote this in 2016, but wanted to share it again.



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-three years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there.

1. It's normal to want someone say they're sorry for your loss. Your loss is real- REAL- and it may feel like you're the only one who gets it.

2. You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, needs to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay- or at the least not crazy. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

3. You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

4. You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you will  forget your baby. My God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal. You deserve it. Your loss matters and so do you.

5. It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basket filled with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

6. All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

7. You're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

#Repost: Feeling Support When Others Remember Your #Miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/22/18





While going through my messages on the MiscarriageHelp.com Facebook page, I wanted to to thank someone who has always taken the time to reach out to me. I try my best to be there for others who have miscarried because I know how isolating it can feel. Miscarriage leaves you in a tailspin and it can last for months or years.




Although I lost my little one twenty-five plus years ago, I will always remember him, how devastated I felt after losing him and will always feel connected by a divine thread to my baby, Alex.

Thank you to GeePee, for always taking the time to think of me and remember my Alex in Heaven. Women who have miscarried often form a bond because they empathize with each other. Anyone who has been through this kind of loss knows what it's like and by reaching out to help others, we often help ourselves.

My heart is touched by these beautiful gestures. My little one, Alex, has been remembered by others, not only me, and it means so much. 

So, thank you GeePee! XO Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Repost: Four Miscarriages. It's Not Fine. #Miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/19/18



Jane Says: (Name has been changed for privacy)

Hi. Sorry I don't know if you could help, you can tell me to go away. I have never talked about my 4 miscarriages before, we been talking and trying for children for the past 2 years. I was 14 weeks when I lost my first, then was 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 11 weeks. I feel so lost and my partner keeps telling me it's fine we will have a child one day but I really don't want to keep putting myself through this, the saddness and the loss.

Ellen Says:

I am so sorry for your losses and I'd never tell you to go away. Ever. You've been though so much. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner, either. My father's recovering from surgery a while back.

You have so much on your plate. You are grieving four babies and I'd be afraid of going through that kind of pain again, too. It's a lot to miscarry once...and you've been through this four times. My heart goes out to you.

I don't know if you've considered talking to someone about how you're feeling, but I know it helped for me. Some people aren't comfortable with it while others are. I'm no professional, but I certainly care about your pain and understand what you're going through.

Does your partner know how scared you are? Does he 'get' how each baby you lost was a life you loved and are grieving? I ask because so many times women's partners don't really understand. It's not his fault. We're all different and although he loves you and is grieiving in his own way, you went through it...you lived it.

I don't know if a conversation like that with him would help. Sometimes it can because you connect more. I would venture to guess he says you'll both have another child one day because he's trying to help you but doesn't know how. The pain you're feeling isn't something that can be "fixed" and many times men want to "fix things". I'm trying to stereotype anyone, just basing this on my own experiences.

If I don't use your name, I can share this on my blog and on this FB page and perhaps some women will share their stories with you. I think it always helps when you connect with people who have lived the same. Just let me know if it's okay with you.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you loads of prayers.

Take care of you, and again, I'm so sorry for your losses


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery.