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The Ornament on The Tree #miscarriage #remembranceornament #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/26/18



The ornament upon the tree

is not like any other.

It has your name upon it-

from me, your loving mother.

I hang it oh-so gently,

upon the Christmas tree.

To let you know you'll always

be "my baby" to me.

I send my love to Heaven,

upon an angel's kiss.

You're in my heart forever-

the baby I'll always miss.

Love Always, Your Mother

Ellen M. DuBois, 2017


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Each November I Remember #miscarriage #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/21/18





My baby would have been a Thanksgiving baby. Even though it's been many years since I miscarried, this time of year is bitter-sweet for me.

I am so thankful for many things. My health, family, friends, a roof over my head, blessings both big and small. Gratitude is an attitude I try to live with every day.

But, as with any loss, you can't help but wonder, remember, reflect- especially when a holiday or anniversary rolls around. (I miss my mother, too. She passed away in January of 2015 and losing her changed me...my life.)

Once again, I think of the baby I lost, Alex. He'd be all grown up now. I wonder what he'd look like? Be like? What would his voice sound like? How would hugging him feel?

My faith has carried me. I see Alex in heaven. Sometimes, I picture him with Jesus. I'm grateful for my faith.

But...I'm only human. There will always be a part of me that wishes he were here...with me. There will always be a part of me that wonders what it would have been like to have watched him grow up. That's simply the way it is and I've learned it's not going to change. I'm not going to change, at least that part of me. I've accepted this as who I am and how I feel. To resist it would do me no good. 

How can you not think about someone you loved so much and lost? How can you not...remember?

To anyone who is going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find comfort in God, the angels, in each other and in knowing you are not alone.

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving,

Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


#repost A Letter to My Baby in Heaven #miscarriage #miscarriagebook

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/12/18



Dear Baby of Mine,


I think about you so often. I decided to write you a letter. Something tells me you already know what I'm writing to you.

I loved you since the moment I knew you. I never felt a love so strong or so deep. It's unlike any other kind of love I experienced.

Knowing you were growing inside of me made me feel a connection to you that words can't describe. I remember patting my belly gently, talking to you and sometimes, I'd smile just knowing you were there, safe and sound.

I had so many wishes, hopes and dreams for you. I was so excited to see you for the very first time and hold you in my arms.

Well, one day, all of that went away. You had to go back to Heaven and I bet it's because you were too good for this earth. I've heard that expression before and something tells me it's true. I've also heard about soul lessons, and I think you came into my life to teach me about mine.

I'll never know what God's full plan is for me, but I know you coming into my life was part of it. I also know you leaving was another part of it...but, it hurt unlike anything I've felt or ever will. 

You taught me so much, like how much stronger I was than I thought. You taught me that love transcends everything, even death. You taught me how precious life is and to treasure every moment because it can change in an instant. You taught me that even though we are not together here, we are always connected- it's REAL. You taught me that my feelings should be expressed, not held in. You taught me that tears help to heal wounds and holding them in isn't good for me. You taught me how to take my pain and turn it around to help others. You taught me that everything is not in my control and how important it is to have faith in God for support. There were times I didn't know how I'd get through the day, and faith carried me. God carried me. The angels helped me and I bet you did, too.

I pictured Jesus holding you in his arms so many times. That comforted me while my arms ached to hold you.

I know it's been a long time since I lost you, but I have never, ever stopped loving you. 

You taught me that whether in Heaven or on earth, I will always be your mother.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for every other way you touched my life and heart. 

I Will Love You Forever,

Mom


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Things That Help When You're Overwhelmed #Miscarriage #remembering #overwhelmed

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/03/18



November has always been a bittersweet month for me. There's so much going that I enjoy. Thanksgiving is coming up. Fall is here and I love the fall. The air is cool and crisp, pumpkins and fall flowers decorate doorsteps. I love the smell of apples, homemade soups. All of it.


Except this: My baby would be been born in November. I remember the doctor telling my husband (at the time) and me we'd have a "Thanksgiving baby". 

I never saw or held my Thanksgiving baby because I found out I lost him at 16 weeks. 

My emotions are running so high right now. I know it's been over 25 years since I lost my baby boy named Alex. But, every Thanksgiving I think of him. I remember the day the doctor said  "the fetus is no longer viable".  I was so detached. I felt like I was living someone else's life and that went on for a long time. I said goodbye to my baby and to all the wishes, hopes, plans and dreams I had for him. Even now, all these years later- all this life lived later- my eyes feel the familiar sting of tears when I remember that terrible time.

I remember in November, and I'm feeling overwhelmed, too. There's so much going on and my emotions are heightened. I think that's normal for many of us. I do my best to keep things in perspective. Faith and prayer are my anchors. My family, is, too. My friends are like lights in the dark. 

Ever have one of those days when simply hearing your friend's voice calms you down? 

My fiance has been in pain for months. He'll be okay, but feeling helpless isn't something I do well with. Who does? I have to come up with a new business plan, which around Christmas, is almost too much to wrap my brain around. My mother passed away three-plus years ago and that always weighs heavily on my family- Dad, two sisters, grandchildren. Especially around the holidays.

If it sounds like I'm complaining I guess I am. I'm venting.  If you're feeling overwhelmed right now, if you're missing your baby and embracing the holidays scares the crap out of you because your emotions are extra sensitive, you are not alone. Maybe you need to vent, too. That's okay.

You may have a lot on your plate, or not. It doesn't matter. Once we enter this time of year many of us find emotions coming to the surface at rapid speed, from out of the blue and it makes you feel vulnerable- like you're teetering on some kind of "fine line". I know you're doing everything you can to keep your balance. If you need a little help, I'm going to share what works for me.

1. Without sounding too "preachy",  I find starting my day with prayer, a show of gratitude, helps. Even when the scales seem tipped way to far in the negative direction, counting my blessings really helps to tip things in my favor. Like the late Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." 

I know that doesn't take away all the pain you've lived. But, it helps get you through some tough times. The positive, (it's there, even when it's hard to find), tips your scale into a more balanced position. Example: health, a roof over your head, food to eat, a job, friends, family, a pet that loves you unconditionally. I know when I bring these blessings to the front of my mind it shifts my thinking. I feel lighter. I feel HOPE. 

2. Take some time to just "be". While being alone may not be the right thing for you, sometimes it is. There are times when I welcome being in my car because I'm alone. I don't turn on the radio because I want the quiet to surround me. It's like I'm in my own little "bubble" for a while. It calms me down.

3. Slowing down my pace and being aware of it gives me a sense of control and calm. I make myself walk slower in the grocery store. It's a conscious effort and I figure if I have to grocery shop, (or whatever),  I might as well take the hurried madness out of it and just chill out while doing it. It helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

4. Know you're not alone. We are all living a story. Sometimes, it's filled with joy and other times sadness. There are days we feel like we've got it together and there are others we really struggle to get through. No matter what, you are not alone and tomorrow is a brand new day. Do your best. It's okay to feel sad or down...we are human. We all remember and experience very trying, often  overwhelming times. 

5. Know you are loved by those around you and by your little one in Heaven. 

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Acknowledgments and a Note from Ellen #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #PAILRD

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/23/18



Because it's October, Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I want to share parts of my book, I Never Held You, with you. It's a bittersweet month. We feel the sadness of losing our babies and the support of other across the globe. Although nothing can take away the pain, whether it's new or something you've lived with for a while, knowing there are others who have lived the same helps. I believe we draw strength from each other and thank God for it.


Here is an excerpt from my book and it's from my heart to yours. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. Love and Prayers to you, Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp.com and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


Acknowledgments and a Note from Ellen

A special thank you to Dr. Linda Backman, who believed in me and this book enough to pour her heart and soul into it, often during a very busy schedule. My heartfelt thanks to Anna Pizzoferrato, who not only shares her expertise as a Reiki Master (in Part Two), but her painful recollection of living through not one, but five miscarriages. To Marnie Pehrson, published author and owner of SheLovesGod.com, for opening her heart and sharing her story and faith. To Mary Foster, my wonderful friend and confidant, whose story of miscarriage shows the devastating impact a complete lack of support after miscarriage causes. Having all suffered at least one miscarriage, we connected in a way that only women who have endured such a loss, ever could. A special thank you to my publisher, Sidney, who not only believed in this book when she published it as a small ebook over five years ago, but carried her belief in I Never Held You's message of hope and healing, catapulting it into the book you're reading now. She understood my vision of helping women worldwide who have suffered the pain and isolation of miscarriage, and has been the springboard to the next level.

I began this book as a way of reaching out to those who miscarried and didn't know where to turn or what to do with their feelings. Why? Because I was at a total loss when I miscarried and couldn't find anything that spoke directly to me and my loss. I needed something to make me say, "I feel exactly the same way. Finally, someone understands and can help. I am not alone." I wanted to provide, through this book, a means of connection between us. I believe that through connection comes the beginning of healing. Isolation only serves to make a person feel worse and less understood.

My journey first led me to Dr. Linda Backman. She is a licensed psychologist and specializes in grief counseling. What began as a collaborative writing project, soon turned into a deeper healing experience for myself. Through Linda's words and expertise, she showed me that life is a continual process of change, growth, and acceptance of yourself-no matter what point you're at in your life. I cannot thank Linda enough, and I know her words will leave an indelible mark within you.

As one who doesn't believe in coincidence, I know my journey 'led' me to Anna and Marnie, too. Their stories, combined with what went on to be lives that would heal and help many, needed to be told. In finding them, I discovered something about myself, perhaps all of us. Quite often, living through pain prepares us for something better down the road, although we can't see it during our experience. I didn't. I'd be willing to say the other women mentioned didn't. I've learned that within all of us lies an amazing ability to get through the adversities in life, and an ever-growing capacity to experience the joys as we heal and continue on our individual paths-wherever they may lead us. I speak to you as a woman who has lived what you have lived. I want you to feel like you're listening to a friend who not only knows of, but feels the pain and confusion in your heart and mind, and doesn't dismiss it.

Dr. Backman speaks to you not only as a professional, offering sound words of encouragement and advice, but also as woman who has lived what you have lived.

It is my sincerest hope that you, the woman who has miscarried, will somehow be led to this book. My wish is for the words on these pages to reach into your heart and soul, making you feel far less alone and far more understood. Most importantly, my greatest desire is of hope and healing for you.

There is life after miscarriage-a quality life-and Dr. Backman and I want to hold your hand and help lead you down the road to recovery. There is no greater step than that of the first.

The best to you on your journey, Ellen

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I Will Always Remember the Day There Was No Heartbeat #miscarriage #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/22/18



The leaves are turning. The colors are vibrant and beautiful. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love the sights, scents, (pumpkin, apples, fireplaces, mulled cider) and sounds, (hearing the marching band at night when I take the dog out), of fall.


Although it's my favorite time of years, I still think about the baby I miscarried 26 years ago at about 16 week pregnant.

When I first found out we were having a baby, I was filled with so many emotions. They were joyful and part of me knew it wasn't in the "plan" my husband at the time had. We'd been married for only two years and I knew he wanted to wait until things like finances, buying our first house, etc. were in order. 

But, life often doesn't go according to our  plan. I believe there's a much bigger one, the plan God has for us, happening in our lives.

I fell in love with my baby right away. I could feel the connection we had and every day it grew as my baby did. He was going to be born around Thanksgiving and I so looked forward to our first Thanksgiving as a family of three.

Like I said, life doesn't often go according to our plan and one day, while my husband was away on business, I noticed blood after going to the bathroom. I'd stopped at my parent's house to use their's. It was easy to do because I worked on the road in newspaper advertising sales.

My sister was home and she took me to the hospital.

That's the day I learned my precious baby died. There was no heartbeat.

They say time heals all wounds and I know that's mostly true. But, as I sit here typing this, my eyes are filling with tears. My stomach has that knotted up feeling and I remember how crushed and numb, (if that's possible), I felt when the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable."

I remember walking to my sister's car, head down, staring at the sun glaring off the pavement. I remember getting into her car and the drive back to my house. I remember feeling like I was living a nightmare, but I was awake. My baby was inside of my womb, no longer alive, and I was scheduled to have a D & C.

After my husband (again, at the time), got home, I told him. I could have called him in Arizona, but decided not to. He was coming home that night and why call and tell him over the phone when he was so far away?

I knew he felt sad, but I think it was more for me. He was not emotionally ready for a baby and I almost sensed his relief. That's not to say he was a bad person. He wasn't. But, we were certainly on different pages and I felt very alone.

My Thanksgiving baby was never to be.  (Crying now just reading those words.)

So, if you've miscarried and you find there's a time of year, an event or a day that's a trigger for you, please know you're not alone. Look at me. I'm writing about my miscarriage 26 years after the fact and I'm still so filled with emotion. It climbs to the surface of my mind and it's like I feel all of the pain and sadness over again- even if it's only for a little while.

I believe that's because I loved my baby so much and also because we are still connected. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I can tell you that I believe my child lives on in Heaven, another realm, and our love is very much alive. I believe he's with me in spirit and I often feel him around me, like I do right now.

I will always remember the day there was no heartbeat. 

I will also always feel a deep connection to my baby, who I named Alex. That will never die and someday, when it's my time to cross over, I believe we will be reunited.

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/14/18



October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. "Like stars in the sky, our love is infinite, connects us, shines brightly and lights the darkness." - Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com

"Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes, however is not limited to, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, and the death of a newborn."- Source Wikipedia

I am so sorry for anyone who has been through the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS...in any way. My heart and prayers go out to you.

I will be lighting a candle on October 15th at 7 pm for you, for me, for our babies. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

Love, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


The "what ifs and could have beens."

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/04/18



"On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month."

I am so sorry for anyone who has been through the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth...in any way. My heart and prayers go out to you.

On my Facebook page, I am deeply moved by the comments women have made. They've shared their feelings, even if only in a few words, about life and grief after miscarriage. Some have lived through this terrible loss recently while others, like me, experienced a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages years ago.

The thing is, although time heals, it doesn't erase your feelings. Time makes getting through the day easier. Time passes and perhaps the sting of baby loss grows less. It's not as raw.

What doesn't lessen is the love you feel for the baby, or babies, you lost. That love is so strong I believe it connects us forever. When we remember, even if it's been 30 plus years, tears often fall. Once again we feel the sadness and all the "what ifs and could have beens."

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Love, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I am 1 in 4. October is Miscarriage Awareness Month

by Ellen M. DuBois on 09/29/18



I am 1 in 4. October is Miscarriage Awareness Month. I've been 1 in 4 for a long time and the love for the baby I carried in my womb but never got to hold stays with me. I am 1 in 4 women who suffered the physical, emotional and spiritual fallout after miscarriage. It's no easy task trying to put the pieces together after losing your baby to miscarriage. I am 1 in 4 who cried the tears many couldn't understand. I felt alone, like my grief and loss didn't matter. I am 1 in 4 who felt the pain of grieving the baby I loved with everything I had- the baby I had plans, wishes, hopes and dreams for and that grief consumed me for quite a while. I am 1 in 4 who wanted to scream to the world, "I just had a miscarriage. Can anybody hear me?" I am 1 in 4 who felt not many heard me. I am 1 in 4 who bought a baby outfit and never got to see my baby wear it. I'm 1 in 4 who tried to hold back her tears when shopping for other people's baby showers and trying my best to attend them without completely losing it. I am 1 in 4 who never dreamed there'd be a miscarriage awareness month and a remembrance day (PAILRD) and I'm 1 in 4 who is so grateful there is. I am 1 in 4 who healed over time but never, ever forgot the baby I loved with all my heart- and never got to hold. I am 1 in 4 and together, we are many.

-Ellen M. DuBois

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Still Struggling 3 Years After Her Miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 09/25/18



Here is a message I rencently received from a woman struggling as she approaches the anniversary of her miscarriage:

Hi, Thank you for all of the time and effort you have put into this cause... November 4th, will be 3 years since the day my baby was taken away.. I was only 10 weeks along when I found out and the baby stopped growing at 7 and a half weeks. No one really knows but it still bothers me so bad to this day. Although I know it isn't my fault and I know its common. I still feel as if it is.... My fiance took it harder then I did, well he made it more obvious.He went down hill our relationship went downhill... Anytime me or anyone mentioned it he got so mad.. We have a two year old daughter. I sort of feel dumb for being upset because most people would look at it like I only knew about the baby for 6 weeks and never got to see the baby. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. No one in my family has had a miscarriage before and it happened to ME. I have ALWAYS been all about kids wherever I went and now unless its my daughter I have to hide the fact that every kid gets on my nerves... :( Thats horrible. Im not even the same person even three years later.. Thank you for reading all of this."

My response:

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you loved your baby and it's not dumb or anything of the sort to miss your baby and to feel all the emotions that go along with your loss. When the anniversary date approaches, it gets tougher for a lot of women. Myself included.

I lived it and know how you feel. (Every Novermber around Thanksgiving I go into kind of a "funk" and it's been so many years since I miscarried. My baby would have been born around Thanksfiving and I can't help but remember him.)

So many others have experienced the heartache of losing their babies to miscarriage and getting through anniversary dates. We know how you feel. You're not alone.

I know you have a two year old daughter and love her with all your heart, but having a child doesn't make this loss any less.

Also, your miscarriage wasn't your fault. I remember wondering if there was anything I did wrong to cause my own miscarriage. It was like torturing myself. Over time I learned that I didn't cause my miscarriage, but I spent a lot of time making myself more miserable wondering. I even asked my doctor who assured me I hadn't done anything to cause it.

It took a long time for me to feel like "me" again. I get not feeling like you're the same person. The thing is, loss and grief do change you. You will get there, (back to feeling like yourself), but it takes time to work through grief and some of the other things that go along with it. Please give yourself that time and keep the faith that you'll find your way. You can enjoy loving your beautiful daughter and continue healing at the same time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and God Bless,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage Book: Updating My Book Description #miscarriagebook #repost #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/30/18



Hello,


If you're here, let me first say that I am deeply sorry for your loss. Anyone who knows the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage is forever in my thoughts and prayers.

It's a difficult road to walk, and that's an understatement.

Something prompted me to read the description of my miscarriage support book on Amazon: I Never Held You. My gut told me to update it and so I followed it. I wanted to share it with you because this book was written after I dug out of the rubble left behind after I miscarried.  I wanted to share and help others who were feeling the same, (lost, grief, alone, isolated), but could find little support. My book came out in 2003 and again in 2006 through Createspace.

Back then, there weren't a whole lot of books or resources to turn to. I needed someone, something, to let me know I'd be okay and wasn't alone. I always had my faith and took great comfort in God, but I longed for human connection, too.

With that being said, here's my revised book description: 

I Never Held You is a support book for those who have endured the heartbreak of suffering a miscarriage. Written by Ellen M. DuBois with contributions by Dr. Linda Backman, this book poignantly describes how lonely and isolating a miscarriage can make you feel, validates your loss and most importantly, gently assures you you're not alone in your grief. With several stories by women who have miscarried, including the author's, this book shows how different women share similar feelings of loss, grief and ultimately hope and healing after miscarriage. Additionally, the author shares suggestions that proved helpful to her in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after her loss, including anxiety attacks. From prayer and exercise to meditation and more, you can pick and choose what resonates with you. With the help of Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for support after miscarriage, this book will help you or a loved one. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com

So, that's it. I simply wanted to share this with you. 

God Bless and if you're feeling alone, please know you are not.

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Eleven Years of Sharing. MiscarriageHelp #TuesdayThoughts

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/28/18



Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe MiscarriageHelp.com has been online since 2006. Wow. Eleven years.

Those years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing and understanding.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed Miscarriagehelp.com would grow so exponentially.

It's become part of my life- this platform for women, (men and other family members/friends, too). Many people have told me they feel supported simply by reading the comments of others. They feel a sense of connection. Others have lived the same. Some women want to share their experience- their pain as well as their healing process. It's a way of letting out emotions and it's part of both  an individual and a collective healing process. 

Grief is so difficult to get through. When you're grieving a loss that doesn't go acknowledged ("accepted as valid or legitimate"), it's so isolating.

Some people visit when they don't know how to support a woman who has miscarried. The posts here give them better insight into what a woman is going through after suffering a miscarriage.

Whether you read, post or do both, I'm so grateful to have started this site. 

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection gives us comfort and reassurance. 

If you visit this site and you leave feeling you're not alone in this, I know something is happening that's helpful to you. That's what counts. 

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Here's one of the first comments made on this site. I think many of you will be able to relate to this woman's feelings: 

To Ellen:

Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer.

I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun.

I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside.

Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me.

I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again-"R"

Dear "R"

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.

I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).

Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.

Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.

Those who love you, R, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.

Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to ask. "One bite at a time."

With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,

Ellen




 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage: I Felt Broken. We All Have a Story that Matters.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/20/18





When I was 23 I got married. That was a long time ago. It feels like I was living someone else's life. But, it was mine.

I was newly married and for a while all was well. We had plans and someday, a child or children would be a part of them.

At 25 I was pregnant and it was a surprise. I was filled with so many emotions and even though we didn't plan for our little bundle of joy, I was excited beyond measure and loved the little one growing inside of me. 
 
16 weeks into my pregnancy during an ultrasound, I found out my baby had passed away. The doctor said I could wait to miscarry, but advised a D & C, saying it would be less painful.

I don't know if there was anything less painful. My baby died. No matter what, that pain trumped anything else. It was all I felt.

The years passed. My husband and I got a divorce. I was so sad...like a heap of tears and anxiety. I hated my "new normal". I was grieving the loss of our baby and the loss of a disintegrating marriage.

These events in my life pushed me hard. Shoved me, really. I had to move forward but didn't know who I was anymore. It felt like every dream, wish and plan for my life was gone in an instant. I felt pain every day and it changed me.

Just as I grieved the loss of my baby, I grieved the loss of my marriage. I had to grieve them both. I was only 27 when we split,  25 when I miscarried and 23 when I walked down the isle. A lot happened in those four years and it wasn't what I thought it would be.

I felt broken. My world changed and I didn't know how to change with it. Just getting through the day became a way of life for me. Missing my baby, coming to grips with the end of my marriage, having to move, feeling scared to live alone- all of it terrified me and sapped me of what little energy I had.

It took time but...

I came out on the other side. It didn't happen overnight and I never forgot the baby I loved so much and never got to hold. His spirit stayed with me and is still a part of me. Eleven years after I miscarried I wrote about it and a few years later wrote some more, taking my adversity and turning it into something that would hopefully help others- a book.

We all have stories and experience heartbreaking losses. We have joys, too and they balance out the scales. All of it adds to each page of our story. You may feel like you'll never find yourself again. One day you wake up and recognize yourself a little more. Little by little you begin to feel your strength return. You walked through the fire and came out one the other side. It wasn't easy, but you did it. Maybe you felt alone in your struggle. Maybe your faith was tested. Mine was. Later, I discovered how much I clung to my faith, like a life jacket.  I grew stronger and so did my faith. I went from questioning God to thanking God.

My journey after miscarriage (and divorce) may be different from yours. The circumstances probably are because we all have our own, unique lives. But, we are tied by a common thread. Those of you who lost a baby to miscarriage have felt the kind of pain I've felt. You've dealt with it in your own way. You've coped in your own way. You've learned that you still wake up in the morning and find a way to get through the day. Perhaps you're discovering you're stronger than you thought. Maybe you've thought about your faith in God or maybe you've questioned it. No matter how you're writing (living) your story, you and me, and countless others, have stories, too. They all matter.

I want you to know that wherever you are in your story- you are not alone. The rocky path you find your feet upon today will eventually smooth out. If you're feeling drained, tired, sad...please remember you'll feel stronger, more able and the sadness will lessen. I still carry the love of my baby with me, but the grief and sadness is not as raw and consuming as it was years ago. 

I doubt you'll never forget your baby's brief, but life changing stay with you. If you're anything like me, you'll feel your baby's spirit around you and it will fill your heart with the kind of love that never, ever dies.

God bless and comfort you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


We Are Not Alone

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/17/18



"We cry our tears together. We feel the same pain. Sometimes it feels so isolating. But, we are not alone. We're here to help each other through."- Ellen DuBois


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage: I'll Never Forget You (Repost) #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/07/18



So many years have gone by since my miscarriage. They've been years filled with the highs and lows of life. Sometimes, I've been pushed to the limit, like when my mother passed away. I got to a point where I wondered how much I could take. But, the human spirit is amazing. Faith is astounding. I know I've been carried though some of my darkest, saddest times by my faith.

There were days my faith in God, the angels, etc., was the only thing casting light upon what seemed a dark, desolate road. 

I felt very alone after my miscarriage. You may, too. Over time, I grew into my "new normal", learning to adjust to a life that for some time, felt like an uncomfortable shoe.

What I can tell you is this: Life went on after my miscarriage and more recently, after the loss of my mother. While I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my mom, the pain of losing my sweet baby to miscarriage is not nearly as raw as it used to be. That's only because of time. We are all different. We grieve, heal and feel in our own ways. But, I never forgot my baby. That would be impossible. I'll always love my child. That will be forever.

If you're stuck in the depths of grieving your little one, I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know you'll feel more like yourself one day. I can't tell you when, but it will happen. Please don't place a time frame on your grief and healing. Hang on to your faith and believe you'll feel relief one day- when it's right for you. Allow yourself to feel what you must and if anyone dismisses your loss, you don't have to listen to them. It's sad, but it happens.

You're going to be okay. You will get through this. And, like me, you'll probably always feel a very deep love for the baby you never held but always loved.

You have every right to.

Love and Light,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Special Friends Are Like Angels

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/04/18

Hello Everyone,


I wrote this poem and posted it on my other blog at ellendubois.com. But, I was thinking that we are all special friends to each other. We, the women who have miscarried, share a bond. We have suffered terrible, heartbreaking losses and often lift each other up. Sometimes it's talking. Sometimes it's listening. Sometimes, it's just being there. 

In the spirit of supporting each other, I wanted to share my newest poem with you. 

Special Friends Are Like Angels




Special friends are like angels-
except you can see them.
They always have your back.
They always look out for you.
They want what's best for you.
They defend your honor.

Special friends are like angels.
They want to make your life easier.
They make you smile and dry your tears.

Special friends are like angels.
They see and love you for the real you.
Sometimes you feel like they are with you-
even when they're not.

Special friends are like angels.
I'm so thankful I've been blessed with a special friend-
in you.

Ellen M. DuBois
2018

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Remembering...at the OBGYN

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/01/18



I'm at the OBGYN. Even after all these years, (over 25 since my miscarriage), being here, the pregnancy literature, pictures of beautiful babies, women expecting, (I'm genuinely happy for them), and all the rest still gets to me. The sting isn't nearly as raw as it used to be, but it's there. If you feel this way, you are not alone. Whether it's been months or many years, I get it. I feel for you. Love and light to you, Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I AM That Baby's Mother

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/28/18



This came from my book, I Never Held You. I randomly flipped to a page and read these words. Feeling like I hadn't even written them, (I did), I found myself feeling a deep connection with my baby. I even said "Wow"...out loud. The feeling was so strong.

I felt that way in 2006 when I wrote those words and feel the same today. 

I believe I always will.

Sending you love and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


It's Very Random #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/23/18



I have felt this way ever since my miscarriage. At first, the feelings were very raw and I cried... a lot. Over the years, my new normal is something I've grew into. I still cry sometimes. Thoughts of the baby I never held but always loved cross my mind at the most random times. I think it will be that way for the rest of my life. But, it's all part of my journey. Not once did I expect I'd ever forget my baby. I will always love him. We will always be connected. That's how it is and I want you to know, no matter where you are on your journey, You Are Not Alone. #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #ineverheldyou #babyloss #miscarriagesupport #youarenotalone #grief #alwaysloved #neverforgotten


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I Updated My Author Page and Please Follow. Thank You!

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/11/18

Hello,

I spent some time this morning updating my author page on Amazon. You know how a thought hits and you decide to do it? Well, that's what happened. I wasn't expecting to do an update, but something urged me to do so. So...here's what it says and I invite you to visit and follow. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Ellen (The URL is at the bottom of the post.)

Ellen DuBois wrote I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery because she didn't want women to feel as alone as she did after her miscarriage over twenty-years ago. It was a "pre-Internet" world, and trying to find something to help with her grief seemed impossible. In her book, Ellen shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed several helpful chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Additionally, there are four touching stories from women who lived through the pain of miscarriage.

The second half on the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing after miscarriage. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief and your loss matters, as do you."

Her fiction book, Jackie's Heart, is also available on Amazon in ebook format. It's romance packed with suspense. It's a story of love, loss, grief, overcoming the odds and a taking a chance on love again. It's been called a real "page turner", filled with twists and unexpected turns. Although her first published work of fiction, this editorial review says: "Can't miss" formula,...combining tragedy with romance & throwing in enough criminal activities to build and hold the reader's interest." -- The Sunday Enterprise, August 31, 2003 Zel Levin, Easton author's book combines tragedy, romance

Ms. DuBois has also been published by: Blue Mountain Arts with her poem "I Whispered a Prayer or Two" as an inspirational greeting card and included in their gift book, "Sisters"; is a contributing author in More God Allows U-Turns (Barbour Publishing/Promise Press); Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News (Hunterhouse Publishing) and Soul Matters for Teens (Thomas Nelson Inc.).

Ellen DuBois resides in Massachusetts with her fiance and rescue dog, Cooper. She's working on her next book, teaching piano, enjoys photography, making jewelry and "learning something new every day on this journey called life." She welcomes you to visit her miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com and her personal/author site at ellendubois.com.

Check out my #author page at this easy to remember url! amazon.com/author/ellendubois via @amazon Thank you, Ellen

This website contains affiliate links and I may be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking through one of my links.



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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You