MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

The "what ifs and could have beens."

by Ellen DuBois on 10/04/18



"On October 25, 1988, American President Ronald Reagan designated the entire month of October 1988 as Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month."

I am so sorry for anyone who has been through the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth...in any way. My heart and prayers go out to you.

On my Facebook page, I am deeply moved by the comments women have made. They've shared their feelings, even if only in a few words, about life and grief after miscarriage. Some have lived through this terrible loss recently while others, like me, experienced a miscarriage or multiple miscarriages years ago.

The thing is, although time heals, it doesn't erase your feelings. Time makes getting through the day easier. Time passes and perhaps the sting of baby loss grows less. It's not as raw.

What doesn't lessen is the love you feel for the baby, or babies, you lost. That love is so strong I believe it connects us forever. When we remember, even if it's been 30 plus years, tears often fall. Once again we feel the sadness and all the "what ifs and could have beens."

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Love, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I am 1 in 4. October is Miscarriage Awareness Month

by Ellen DuBois on 09/29/18



I am 1 in 4. October is Miscarriage Awareness Month. I've been 1 in 4 for a long time and the love for the baby I carried in my womb but never got to hold stays with me. I am 1 in 4 women who suffered the physical, emotional and spiritual fallout after miscarriage. It's no easy task trying to put the pieces together after losing your baby to miscarriage. I am 1 in 4 who cried the tears many couldn't understand. I felt alone, like my grief and loss didn't matter. I am 1 in 4 who felt the pain of grieving the baby I loved with everything I had- the baby I had plans, wishes, hopes and dreams for and that grief consumed me for quite a while. I am 1 in 4 who wanted to scream to the world, "I just had a miscarriage. Can anybody hear me?" I am 1 in 4 who felt not many heard me. I am 1 in 4 who bought a baby outfit and never got to see my baby wear it. I'm 1 in 4 who tried to hold back her tears when shopping for other people's baby showers and trying my best to attend them without completely losing it. I am 1 in 4 who never dreamed there'd be a miscarriage awareness month and a remembrance day (PAILRD) and I'm 1 in 4 who is so grateful there is. I am 1 in 4 who healed over time but never, ever forgot the baby I loved with all my heart- and never got to hold. I am 1 in 4 and together, we are many.

-Ellen M. DuBois

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Still Struggling 3 Years After Her Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 09/25/18



Here is a message I rencently received from a woman struggling as she approaches the anniversary of her miscarriage:

Hi, Thank you for all of the time and effort you have put into this cause... November 4th, will be 3 years since the day my baby was taken away.. I was only 10 weeks along when I found out and the baby stopped growing at 7 and a half weeks. No one really knows but it still bothers me so bad to this day. Although I know it isn't my fault and I know its common. I still feel as if it is.... My fiance took it harder then I did, well he made it more obvious.He went down hill our relationship went downhill... Anytime me or anyone mentioned it he got so mad.. We have a two year old daughter. I sort of feel dumb for being upset because most people would look at it like I only knew about the baby for 6 weeks and never got to see the baby. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. No one in my family has had a miscarriage before and it happened to ME. I have ALWAYS been all about kids wherever I went and now unless its my daughter I have to hide the fact that every kid gets on my nerves... :( Thats horrible. Im not even the same person even three years later.. Thank you for reading all of this."

My response:

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you loved your baby and it's not dumb or anything of the sort to miss your baby and to feel all the emotions that go along with your loss. When the anniversary date approaches, it gets tougher for a lot of women. Myself included.

I lived it and know how you feel. (Every Novermber around Thanksgiving I go into kind of a "funk" and it's been so many years since I miscarried. My baby would have been born around Thanksfiving and I can't help but remember him.)

So many others have experienced the heartache of losing their babies to miscarriage and getting through anniversary dates. We know how you feel. You're not alone.

I know you have a two year old daughter and love her with all your heart, but having a child doesn't make this loss any less.

Also, your miscarriage wasn't your fault. I remember wondering if there was anything I did wrong to cause my own miscarriage. It was like torturing myself. Over time I learned that I didn't cause my miscarriage, but I spent a lot of time making myself more miserable wondering. I even asked my doctor who assured me I hadn't done anything to cause it.

It took a long time for me to feel like "me" again. I get not feeling like you're the same person. The thing is, loss and grief do change you. You will get there, (back to feeling like yourself), but it takes time to work through grief and some of the other things that go along with it. Please give yourself that time and keep the faith that you'll find your way. You can enjoy loving your beautiful daughter and continue healing at the same time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and God Bless,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage Book: Updating My Book Description #miscarriagebook #repost #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 08/30/18



Hello,


If you're here, let me first say that I am deeply sorry for your loss. Anyone who knows the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage is forever in my thoughts and prayers.

It's a difficult road to walk, and that's an understatement.

Something prompted me to read the description of my miscarriage support book on Amazon: I Never Held You. My gut told me to update it and so I followed it. I wanted to share it with you because this book was written after I dug out of the rubble left behind after I miscarried.  I wanted to share and help others who were feeling the same, (lost, grief, alone, isolated), but could find little support. My book came out in 2003 and again in 2006 through Createspace.

Back then, there weren't a whole lot of books or resources to turn to. I needed someone, something, to let me know I'd be okay and wasn't alone. I always had my faith and took great comfort in God, but I longed for human connection, too.

With that being said, here's my revised book description: 

I Never Held You is a support book for those who have endured the heartbreak of suffering a miscarriage. Written by Ellen M. DuBois with contributions by Dr. Linda Backman, this book poignantly describes how lonely and isolating a miscarriage can make you feel, validates your loss and most importantly, gently assures you you're not alone in your grief. With several stories by women who have miscarried, including the author's, this book shows how different women share similar feelings of loss, grief and ultimately hope and healing after miscarriage. Additionally, the author shares suggestions that proved helpful to her in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after her loss, including anxiety attacks. From prayer and exercise to meditation and more, you can pick and choose what resonates with you. With the help of Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for support after miscarriage, this book will help you or a loved one. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com

So, that's it. I simply wanted to share this with you. 

God Bless and if you're feeling alone, please know you are not.

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Eleven Years of Sharing. MiscarriageHelp #TuesdayThoughts

by Ellen DuBois on 08/28/18



Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe MiscarriageHelp.com has been online since 2006. Wow. Eleven years.

Those years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing and understanding.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed Miscarriagehelp.com would grow so exponentially.

It's become part of my life- this platform for women, (men and other family members/friends, too). Many people have told me they feel supported simply by reading the comments of others. They feel a sense of connection. Others have lived the same. Some women want to share their experience- their pain as well as their healing process. It's a way of letting out emotions and it's part of both  an individual and a collective healing process. 

Grief is so difficult to get through. When you're grieving a loss that doesn't go acknowledged ("accepted as valid or legitimate"), it's so isolating.

Some people visit when they don't know how to support a woman who has miscarried. The posts here give them better insight into what a woman is going through after suffering a miscarriage.

Whether you read, post or do both, I'm so grateful to have started this site. 

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection gives us comfort and reassurance. 

If you visit this site and you leave feeling you're not alone in this, I know something is happening that's helpful to you. That's what counts. 

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Here's one of the first comments made on this site. I think many of you will be able to relate to this woman's feelings: 

To Ellen:

Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer.

I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun.

I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside.

Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me.

I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again-"R"

Dear "R"

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.

I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).

Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.

Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.

Those who love you, R, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.

Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to ask. "One bite at a time."

With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,

Ellen




 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage. - Love & comfort to you, Ellen
Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery





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