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It's Very Random #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 07/23/18



I have felt this way ever since my miscarriage. At first, the feelings were very raw and I cried... a lot. Over the years, my new normal is something I've grew into. I still cry sometimes. Thoughts of the baby I never held but always loved cross my mind at the most random times. I think it will be that way for the rest of my life. But, it's all part of my journey. Not once did I expect I'd ever forget my baby. I will always love him. We will always be connected. That's how it is and I want you to know, no matter where you are on your journey, You Are Not Alone. #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #ineverheldyou #babyloss #miscarriagesupport #youarenotalone #grief #alwaysloved #neverforgotten


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I Updated My Author Page and Please Follow. Thank You!

by Ellen DuBois on 07/11/18

Hello,

I spent some time this morning updating my author page on Amazon. You know how a thought hits and you decide to do it? Well, that's what happened. I wasn't expecting to do an update, but something urged me to do so. So...here's what it says and I invite you to visit and follow. It would be greatly appreciated. Thank you! Ellen (The URL is at the bottom of the post.)

Ellen DuBois wrote I Never Held You, a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery because she didn't want women to feel as alone as she did after her miscarriage over twenty-years ago. It was a "pre-Internet" world, and trying to find something to help with her grief seemed impossible. In her book, Ellen shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed several helpful chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Additionally, there are four touching stories from women who lived through the pain of miscarriage.

The second half on the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing after miscarriage. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief and your loss matters, as do you."

Her fiction book, Jackie's Heart, is also available on Amazon in ebook format. It's romance packed with suspense. It's a story of love, loss, grief, overcoming the odds and a taking a chance on love again. It's been called a real "page turner", filled with twists and unexpected turns. Although her first published work of fiction, this editorial review says: "Can't miss" formula,...combining tragedy with romance & throwing in enough criminal activities to build and hold the reader's interest." -- The Sunday Enterprise, August 31, 2003 Zel Levin, Easton author's book combines tragedy, romance

Ms. DuBois has also been published by: Blue Mountain Arts with her poem "I Whispered a Prayer or Two" as an inspirational greeting card and included in their gift book, "Sisters"; is a contributing author in More God Allows U-Turns (Barbour Publishing/Promise Press); Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders, Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News (Hunterhouse Publishing) and Soul Matters for Teens (Thomas Nelson Inc.).

Ellen DuBois resides in Massachusetts with her fiance and rescue dog, Cooper. She's working on her next book, teaching piano, enjoys photography, making jewelry and "learning something new every day on this journey called life." She welcomes you to visit her miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com and her personal/author site at ellendubois.com.

Check out my #author page at this easy to remember url! amazon.com/author/ellendubois via @amazon Thank you, Ellen

Four Miscarriages: Please Don't Tell Me I'm Fine #Repost #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 07/10/18



Jane Says: (Name has been changed for privacy)

Hi. Sorry I don't know if you could help, you can tell me to go away. I have never talked about my 4 miscarriages before, we been talking and trying for children for the past 2 years. I was 14 weeks when I lost my first, then was 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 11 weeks. I feel so lost and my partner keeps telling me it's fine we will have a child one day but I really don't want to keep putting myself through this, the saddness and the loss.

Ellen Says:

I am so sorry for your losses and I'd never tell you to go away. Ever. You've been though so much Chloe. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner, either. My father's recovering from surgery a while back.

You have so much on your plate. You are grieving four babies and I'd be afraid of going through that kind of pain again, too. It's a lot to miscarry once...and you've been through this four times. My heart goes out to you.

I don't know if you've considered talking to someone about how you're feeling, but I know it helped for me. Some people aren't comfortable with it while others are. I'm no professional, but I certainly care about your pain and understand what you're going through.

Does your partner know how scared you are? Does he 'get' how each baby you lost was a life you loved and are grieving? I ask because so many times women's partners don't really understand. It's not his fault. We're all different and although he loves you and is grieiving in his own way, you went through it...you lived it.

I don't know if a conversation like that with him would help. Sometimes it can because you connect more. I would venture to guess he says you'll both have another child one day because he's trying to help you but doesn't know how. The pain you're feeling isn't something that can be "fixed" and many times men want to "fix things". I'm trying to stereotype anyone, just basing this on my own experiences.

If I don't use your name, I can share this on my blog and on this FB page and perhaps some women will share their stories with you. I think it always helps when you connect with people who have lived the same. Just let me know if it's okay with you.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you loads of prayers.

Take care of you, and again, I'm so sorry for your losses



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


#Repost Miscarriage: Feeling Abnormal? It's Normal #miscarriage #Miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 07/02/18



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-five (this said 22 years when I first wrote it), years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry.

I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Take Care of Yourself (Even when you don't feel up to it.)

by Ellen DuBois on 06/28/18



I remember feeling so filled with sadness after my miscarriage.  I didn't think much about taking care of myself. The days were filled with countless tears. I walked around feeling like there was a wet blanket draped over my shoulders.


My energy was spent trying to get through the day without crying. Tears came at unexpected times, along with panic attacks, social anxiety and depression. It was a terrible mix and it was all part of my grief.

Losing my baby to miscarriage was one of the saddest things I've ever lived through. It took a long time for the world to feel "right" again. During the months that followed my miscarriage, I didn't sleep well, didn't eat right, didn't talk much about my loss and kept so much inside.  I pushed through the days. I went to work, came home, made dinner and felt the distance grow between my husband and I.  I didn't have him to lean on when I needed him most, so I carried my feelings around like the heavy, wet blanket I mentioned at the beginning of this post.

Self care is not selfish. Taking care of yourself so you don't get sick, especially when you're grieving, is so important. I get that it's difficult because you're so caught up in feeling sad that you don't think about nurturing yourself- your soul. 
I spiraled downward until I landed at the doctor's office right before the Fourth of July. I was very weak and it was so hard to breathe. I'll never forget that day. I called my mother and she brought me. I didn't have the strength to drive.

Turns out I had a double lobe pneumonia. It was the worst Fourth of July I ever had. I spent it coughing on the couch, surrounded by tissues while my husband, (at the time), went to a family cookout down the street. I don't say this because I want you to feel sorry for me. It was a long time ago and I wanted him to go. But, it was terrible! 

I learned the hard way how important it is to take care of yourself, even when you don't feel up to it. You are so worth it and when you're grieving, you often don't see (or feel) it.

I am so sorry for your loss. One day at a time and if you can remember to take a minute each day to check in with yourself, please do. Ask yourself if you've eaten anything, rested, drank enough water, talked to anyone if you felt like it, etc. Did you give yourself permission to cry? Those tears have to fall sometime to free up room inside for healing.  How's your faith? Did you ask God for help? The angels? There is a support system there for you all the time, even when you can't see it and feel alone. I learned that, too.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Click here to purchase my miscarriage support book, I Never Held You, on Amazon



Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery



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