MiscarriageHelp.com

I know you've suffered 

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I built walls around my heart after my miscarriage. I never felt that kind of pain before, and didn't want to feel it again. It took a long time for them to come down. Time spent grieving and healing. I had to learn to stop blaming myself for my miscarriage, too. 

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After I miscarried, it was so hard to come to grips with all the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams I had for my baby not coming true. I felt so empty. Even though my sweet baby was no longer with me, all the things I envisioned stayed with me. I still imagined what our first Christmas would be like, our first everything. I still pictured what my child would be like as he grew. I wanted so many things for my baby and those dreams didn't leave me when my baby did (physically). I couldn't stop wondering, just like I couldn't stop loving my child. As the years went by, the sting lessened. But, the love I felt for my baby never went away. There are still times I wonder what life would have been like had my baby stayed. I think many of us wonder and I've come to realize that it's okay. I'm not stuck in the past, it's just that I will always love the baby I never got to hold. 

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I thought of you a million times today. When I looked at the clouds, felt a breeze, saw the beauty a flower holds. I know I'll think of you a million times tomorrow, too.- Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com

Love to all who have suffered a miscarriage. I know what your heart feels.

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"If any of you have lost a parent, a pet, or someone close to you, don't you still feel sad sometimes over it? Do you have yourself a good cry- even if it's been months or years since it happened? After you cry or 'let it out,' do you feel a sense of release? Why, then, is this not the same?"- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

I think it is the same.

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"So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again."- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

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"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.

"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced.

Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me.

The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."

For me? What about my baby? God. Stop calling it 'a fetus'! 

I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.

But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.

I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.

When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.

The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.

Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill, I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.

"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said.

Try again? Let me get over this!

That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day. The child that was never to be.- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

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"I felt very alone in my grief. I didn't know (back then) that there were support groups for women who miscarried. I didn't have access to the Internet and all of its resources. I couldn't find any books telling me how to get on with my life after miscarrying."- Excerpt from I Never Held You, Ellen M. DuBois

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected] 

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I wanted to take a moment to tell you a little about myself and why reaching out to women who have miscarried is so important to me.

My name is Ellen DuBois. I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. Reaching out to women who have miscarried is something I've been doing since 2009 and I'm passionate about. I know what it's like to feel alone after miscarriage. Writing a book and providing a website where women and their families can share is very important to me. Even today, miscarriage and its fallout are often dismissed, leaving many feeling like there's nowhere to turn. I want to become part of the solution. I'm not a doctor. Who am I? I'm a woman who's lived through miscarriage and later shared my experiences in an effort to reach out to others so they feel less alone and more connected. That connection brings with it support.

I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to adult.

You are all in my prayers and I'm sending loads of love, light and support your way. 

Ellen

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This is my response to an email I received today. I have not included the sender's name out of respect for her privacy. I'm sharing this with you today, the last day of 2018, because I know this can be a very difficult time of year. After suffering a miscarriage, holidays often are trying times. You want to feel happy but your heart is grieving. Compounded with other things like anxiety, fear, guilt, etc., you may find yourself wondering how you're going to find happiness as we ring in the new year.

As with any loss, you need time to grieve and heal. That doesn't mean you forget, but healing does come over time and it's different for all of us.

I remember feeling like the world just didn't "get it" after I miscarried. It was like the rest of the planet was on "play" and I was stuck on "pause".

Your loss was very real and it sounds like you're afraid that you may not be able to get pregnant again. I am not a doctor, so I don't know what to say about that. It sounds like there's a chance and that's something I hope you find comfort in. (My sister had both children in her thirties and I know many women who have.) I hope you find some comfort in that and have faith, too. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps some reassurance from your doctor would help? Or a group of women who had children in their 30's and 40's? Just thinking "out loud" and sharing with you.

It's a very emotional time of year for anyone who has suffered a loss and I'm sorry you've found yourself in that group. Please remember: Your best is good enough and taking things a day at a time is all you can do. When you focus on your worries to the point they consume you- about the future, ever getting pregnant, feeling guilty, all of it, it makes it hard to see the joy and to be present in the moment. Being present in the moment allows you to feel whatever you need to. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you'll take a walk and focus on the beauty around you. Balance is key and it's not an easy thing to find when your world feels upside down. But, it's possible and it helps emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I wish I could help the pain go away, but I know that's impossible. I remember when just getting through the day without crying was a challenge. Over time, I started to feel a bit more like myself. It just happened- over time. When I held everything in, I ended up sick, (really sick, with pneumonia). So talking, or venting is important. If talking to someone, (like a friend or counselor), is more helpful, I hope you're able to do that. If writing things down to get your feelings out helps, I hope do more of it like you did in this email to me. All these things and more help you to focus more on healing, which makes you better able to cope. Does that make sense?

I am sorry for what you have been through. That goes out to your sister in law, too. Losing a baby is extremely difficult and I wouldn't compare the circumstances. I pray for both of you as you navigate the waters.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. May 2019 be a year of healing and joy for you.

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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My heart goes out to all who are grieving this Christmas and holiday season. May you feel the comfort and love of your precious one in Heaven. 

Love and comfort to you,

Ellen

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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I get it. I remember how tough the Christmas following my miscarriage was. All I could think about was the baby I lost. I was consumed with thoughts like:

 It's hard to feel merry. It feels like the world is celebrating and I'm stuck on pause.

This should be our first Christmas together.

How can I feel happy when inside I'm so sad?

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels different.

When will I feel like me again?

I feel like I'm going to lose it.

How can I be around all these people when inside I feel like I'm screaming?

Doesn't anyone understand that I'm grieving?

I know what it's like and I can tell you that although you will never forget your baby, things will get easier for you in time. If your wounds are very raw right now, please know that your best is good enough. Just take everything one day at a time and if you need to "step away", you can.

Pray for strength. Pray for comfort. Ask the angels to surround you this Christmas and give you some peace. Take some deep breaths. What others may think about your loss really doesn't matter. You have every right to feel and in time you will heal.

Christmas was tough for me for a long time. Even now, when my baby would have been a 27 year old, I think of him, particularly on Christmas. I have an ornament hanging on the tree with his name on it. No, I will never forget my baby and I certainly don't expect you will. I hope you find some comfort in feeling your little one's spirit near you.

On the flip side, if you do find yourself smiling, or a feeling of peace and happiness surfaces, please allow yourself to feel that, too. It's a gift and even while you're grieving, you can still feel joy. As Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, "You can grieve and live at the same time." (That has stuck with me, especially since the loss of my mother.)

"Sometimes it's hard to feel merry. It feels like the world is celebrating and I'm stuck on pause. That's what grief does."- Ellen M. DuBois

My heart goes out to all who are grieving this Christmas and holiday season. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and comfort to you,

Ellen

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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If I had a wish

I knew would come true-

I'd ask to visit Heaven

so I could see you.

You're loved beyond measure,

you're missed

so many ways.

I send you my love

this Christmas-

and every day.

- Ellen M. DuBois

#griefsupport #miscarriagesupport #griefpoem #missyouatChristmas

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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This is how I have felt for years about the baby I loved and lost to miscarriage: "As I celebrate Christmas and the holiday season, a piece of my heart is with you in Heaven."- Ellen M. DuBois It'll always be that way. I'd be willing to say that many of you feel the same way. I am so sorry for your loss and want you to know that you're all in my thoughts and prayers.  

God Bless and comfort you, Ellen

#griefduringholidays #repost #miscarriage

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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Hello everyone. My name is Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. I'm sharing this post about grief during the holiday season and a bit about my book in case you or someone you love is struggling with grieving after miscarriage- especially during this time of year. It's a beautiful time, but when you're grieving it can be very tough to get through. There are so many conflicting emotions and expectations.

I know it's one of the most difficult things to go through because I've lived it. 

With Christmas here, many women (and their families) struggle with feelings of loss, sadness and isolation. You may be trying to get into the holiday spirit but find you're bouncing between tears, putting on your best "happy face" and trying to get things done, leaving you feeling sad and exhausted. If this sounds like you, I know what you're living and I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. 

I'm here to tell you that although it's very hard right now, over time you will come out on the other side of this. Please don't lose hope and give yourself permission and time to grieve and heal. 

During the Christmas and holiday season, it can be challenging to find the time. I'm here to suggest that giving yourself a few minutes, whenever you can, to decompress is so important. If you need to step away from gift wrapping, shopping or a gathering for a few minutes, please do. If you're at a Christmas party and feel like you might "break down",  try to give yourself permission to step out for bit of air. We all need that sometimes. 

You've suffered such a painful loss. You need time to heal and putting pressure on yourself to "get everything right" and "show up happy" can be way too much for you. By giving yourself permission to grieve, perhaps staying home from the party this year, (or whatever), you're taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to heal from a very real loss. If you have to be somewhere, (I know family/friend gatherings can be very important), try promising yourself that you'll give yourself some "me time" later, to rest, cry, journal, get lost in a movie under a cozy blanket...to just be.   

I don't believe you'll ever forget your baby or your loss, but I do know from personal experience that you'll heal over time and begin to recognize yourself again. You'll start to feel like you again and the tears will be less frequent. It took me quite a while. Please don't lose heart.

Here is a description of my book: "I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."- Ellen M. DuBois, Author, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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Hello Everyone,

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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The ornament upon the tree

is not like any other.

It has your name upon it-

from me, your loving mother.

I hang it oh-so gently,

upon the Christmas tree.

To let you know you'll always

be "my baby" to me.

I send my love to Heaven,

upon an angel's kiss.

You're in my heart forever-

the baby I'll always miss.

Love Always, Your Mother

Ellen M. DuBois, 2017

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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Dear Baby of Mine,

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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November has always been a bittersweet month for me. There's so much going that I enjoy. Thanksgiving is coming up. Fall is here and I love the fall. The air is cool and crisp, pumpkins and fall flowers decorate doorsteps. I love the smell of apples, homemade soups. All of it.

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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