MiscarriageHelp.com

Here is a message I rencently received from a woman struggling as she approaches the anniversary of her miscarriage:

Hi, Thank you for all of the time and effort you have put into this cause... November 4th, will be 3 years since the day my baby was taken away.. I was only 10 weeks along when I found out and the baby stopped growing at 7 and a half weeks. No one really knows but it still bothers me so bad to this day. Although I know it isn't my fault and I know its common. I still feel as if it is.... My fiance took it harder then I did, well he made it more obvious.He went down hill our relationship went downhill... Anytime me or anyone mentioned it he got so mad.. We have a two year old daughter. I sort of feel dumb for being upset because most people would look at it like I only knew about the baby for 6 weeks and never got to see the baby. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. No one in my family has had a miscarriage before and it happened to ME. I have ALWAYS been all about kids wherever I went and now unless its my daughter I have to hide the fact that every kid gets on my nerves... :( Thats horrible. Im not even the same person even three years later.. Thank you for reading all of this."

My response:

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you loved your baby and it's not dumb or anything of the sort to miss your baby and to feel all the emotions that go along with your loss. When the anniversary date approaches, it gets tougher for a lot of women. Myself included.

I lived it and know how you feel. (Every Novermber around Thanksgiving I go into kind of a "funk" and it's been so many years since I miscarried. My baby would have been born around Thanksfiving and I can't help but remember him.)

So many others have experienced the heartache of losing their babies to miscarriage and getting through anniversary dates. We know how you feel. You're not alone.

I know you have a two year old daughter and love her with all your heart, but having a child doesn't make this loss any less.

Also, your miscarriage wasn't your fault. I remember wondering if there was anything I did wrong to cause my own miscarriage. It was like torturing myself. Over time I learned that I didn't cause my miscarriage, but I spent a lot of time making myself more miserable wondering. I even asked my doctor who assured me I hadn't done anything to cause it.

It took a long time for me to feel like "me" again. I get not feeling like you're the same person. The thing is, loss and grief do change you. You will get there, (back to feeling like yourself), but it takes time to work through grief and some of the other things that go along with it. Please give yourself that time and keep the faith that you'll find your way. You can enjoy loving your beautiful daughter and continue healing at the same time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and God Bless,

Ellen

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I don't know if there's a better way to describe how I felt after losing my baby to miscarriage. Nothing looked the same. The world felt upside down. If you're feeling this way, please know you are not alone. Eventually, things even out a bit. You begin feeling more like yourself again. You don't forget. You're not expected to. But, there's light. Please go easy on yourself and takes things one moment at a time. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself. I wanted to know why my miscarriage happened and when I came up empty handed, it was easy to blame me. But, it wasn't my fault and love is a great healer. It also keeps me connected to my baby, to God, to myself. If you feel like this, you're not alone. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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It took a long time for them to come down.  If you feel like this, you're not alone. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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(I wrote this on the seven month anniversary of my mother's death. It's now been over four years and you know what? I could have written this today.)

It's been over four years today since you died. I guess I'm not-so-good at this grief thing.

I've been trying to find myself in my life since you left. I've been trying to see through the thick fog of missing you that clouds my glasses, skews my vision and makes the world look different. There are days when I see the beauty this world has to offer. The vibrant flowers, blue sky, ripples in the pond, a baby's smile, butterflies and more. When this happens, I know I am seeing the world much like you did. Those are the moments I feel I am healing. Seeing beauty in the world and the people around is how you saw things. That's how you taught us, through example, to live.

I know you wouldn't want me to crying over your transition seven months after the fact. I also know you wouldn't judge me for it either. You'd listen to me and then offer some words of wisdom that were packed with understanding, honesty and a spiritual wisdom that you seemed to always possess.

All you ever wanted was for me to be happy- for all of us to be happy and enjoy life.

I am trying to enjoy my life, mom. I am doing things that push my limits, like flying more even when I'm feeling anxious, riding in that fast car even when I might not feel up to it, and telling myself to just get out there and do it because life is short.

I loved the way you lived- but not as much as I loved you. I strive to be more like you in the way I live. I'm not doing the best job, but the effort is there. Plus, we're all different and that's what makes life and people so wonderful. That's why God made chocolate and vanilla. I'm me, not you, and you want me to be the best version of me possible.

Mom, I know you are living on the other side. I don't just believe it, I know it. That is not my struggle. It is your physical absence that is my struggle. It's not being able to hear your voice on the phone, see your smiling face, hug you and just know my mother is there- with my father.

You are with your Father - your heavenly father and I know how important that was to you. I know you have been reunited with all those you loved who made the transition before you. These are the things I must hold tight to. These are the things I must not only say but believe with every fiber of my being.

Isn't that what faith is? Isn't it more than a belief? Isn't it knowing all is well?

I can almost hear you saying: I am fine. All is well. Do not cry for me because I am home. Don't waste another day afraid or in tears because I am not physically there. I am always there and you know this. Wrap your mind and your heart around this, and you will feel me there. I am okay. It's okay. Now go on and live your life. Live it! Live it with love.

That really is the answer. L-O-V-E.

I'm trying, Mom, and will continue to try and get better. All my love to you, forever, Ellen.

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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Those didn't go away when you did... 

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook  Click here to read.

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After about a month, I felt stuck in my grief while the rest of the world went on. Everything changed for me, but not for everyone else. It was so isolating.

If you've felt like this, you're not alone. There are many more ways to reach out now- the Internet being one of them. I hope you find some comfort in that. You can connect with others. We all help each other.

Love and light to you and I'm so sorry for your loss,

Ellen

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Hi, little one.
I thought of you today
as I sat rocking
some lazy time away.
The day was not too busy
to sit and rest a while.
My mind drifted to Heaven-
I wanted to stay a while.
My heart could feel your love.
My soul could feel you near.
For a moment it was like
you were with me in that chair.
Rocking, rocking, rocking,
you were resting in my lap.
It was like I knew
what it would feel like if you napped-
in my arms, in my lap,
in the rocking chair.
I was awakened from my dream-
Still rocking in that chair.
The feather resting in my lap-
let me know you were there.
Ellen M. DuBois, 2013

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I feel you all the time. Until I see you on the other side...

Thinking of you all with love and support. I'm so sorry for your loss. Prayers for comfort, healing, love.

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I do send my love to Heaven and how beautiful it would be if I could visit with my sweet baby. Although I know it's not possible to do physically, I feel a connection to my baby that will never go away. I talk to him. Tell him how much I love him and he'll always be in my heart. It's like an invisible thread keeps us connected. A thread that bridges Heaven and earth. #miscarriage #reachout #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyloss #babyloss #isolation #connection #feelingalone #talkaboutit #missingyou #missingyouquotes #grief #griefquotes #griefsupport #ineverheldyou #miscarriagequotes I'm thinking of you all with love and light, Ellen 

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I know what it's like to feel very alone in my grief. There were so many times I felt like people didn't quite get what I was living. They felt bad and tried their best to understand, but I felt isolated, even when surrounded by people. It didn't stay that way. Over time I connected with others who had lived the same, I felt more understood and far less isolated. So did they. That's when I know how important reaching out to others was- still is. #miscarriage #reachout #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyloss #babyloss #isolation #connection #feelingalone #talkaboutit #missingyou #missingyouquotes #grief #griefquotes #griefsupport #ineverheldyou #miscarriagequotes I'm thinking of you all with love and light, Ellen 

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I hope this helps. I know what it's like to feel so overwhelmed after miscarriage that you don't know where to start of if it's even possible to feel like yourself again. Seeing through the eyes of grief is difficult and nothing looks right. Nothing feels right. The best you can do is to allow yourself the time and space to grieve, taking things one day at a time.

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I know I will always love and remember the baby I lost to miscarriage. It doesn't matter how many years have passed. There will always be a part of me that's with my child in Heaven. It's a connection I can feel and it'll always be there. 

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From one who has lived it, I know how exhausting emotions can be. I felt so many after my miscarriage- I couldn't keep track. I knew I was sad. I felt incredibly tired. I struggled to keep it together and that was exhausting.

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To all fathers who lost a baby to miscarriage, we know you hurt, too. You are not alone. Sometimes you may feel overlooked, but you are thought of Father's Day and all other days. I am so sorry for your loss.

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I get this. When I heard those words, "Why don't you grow up and get over it", it felt like I was punched in the gut. No kidding...it really happened.

For anyone who has ever heard words like this after suffering the heartbreak of miscarriage, I am so sorry. I know words hurt.  

I learned that people often say things with the best intentions, but don't think it through. They don't realize how powerful (and painful) their well intended words can be. The person who said this to me was trying to "help" move me forward, but it wasn't right. Not for me, not for you. I had to live through my grief, ride the waves, feel the overload. It was a terrible place to be, and what I needed to hear were words of support...or simply silence. Just knowing someone was by my side who allowed me to feel helped a great deal. 

So, if someone tells you to "get over it", they have no clue what you're living.

Pray if you're inclined. I found it helped. Go easy on yourself and if you ever hear words that hurt, please try to let them go. (I know it's not easy.) Many people can't understand what they don't know. I'm not excusing it...I'm trying to help you. People need to think before they say something to a woman who lost her baby to miscarriage. Awareness is key. Awareness leads to compassion.

I wish you healing, comfort and love. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know you're not alone. Love and Light, Ellen

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