MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

This is the Month I Lost You

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/02/19



Dear Baby in Heaven,

This is the month I lost you long ago. I'm doing okay. Life's gone on. But, I'll always love you. I'll always miss you. You'll always be in my heart. xo Your Mom

Love and support to you all. I've felt like this many times. My baby in Heaven, my mother...Love keeps us connected and I believe Heaven is real. I've found great comfort in that for a long time.

You are not alone.

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Sometimes I Look at the Sky... #miscarriage #griefsupport #loveneverdies

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/25/19



"Sometimes, I look at the sky and feel your love shining down on me. A gentle reminder that you're always with me. I love you." Ellen M. DuBois, miscarriagehelp.com

Love and support to you all. I've felt like this many times. My baby in Heaven, my mother...Love keeps us connected and I believe Heaven is real. I've found great comfort in that for a long time.

You are not alone.

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Upside Down #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/22/19



Upside down... Thinking of you all and I get it if you've felt this way.

You are not alone.

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Connected For a Lifetime

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/14/19





You are worth every tear I've cried.
You touched my life and heart so deeply.
Your beautiful soul changed the person I am.
You made me stronger and I love more fully than ever.
From the moment you came into my life we shared a connection.
Although it's not the way I wanted it to be,
we'll be connected for a lifetime.

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Grief Does That to You- But There Is Always Light

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/08/19



Life teaches us many things and some of the lessons are painful. Sometimes, they knock the wind out of you.


After my miscarriage, the wind was knocked out of me. The roller coaster of emotions I felt left me exhausted every day.  Some days I'd cry while other days I'd go through the motions, feeling numb. In between crying and numbness, there were so many other feelings mixed into the pot. They all drained me of energy. 

I've learned that grief is exhausting. The first year after I lost my baby I was tired all of the time. By the second year, (I'm using years, but it's not as "clean" as that), it was most of the time.  I was beginning to feel like "me" again, but a changed version of myself. I felt like I was walking around with some sort of cloud over my head and felt detached from the world around me. Grief changes you because it changes your perspective. It's a change we all face because pain pushes us there. It hurts so much and is far from easy.

Three years after my miscarriage, I was going about my days and functioning better, but I was so sensitive to anything that reminded me of babies. TV commercials, baby showers, seeing pregnant women, hearing about another friend who was having a baby, finding myself near baby clothes while shopping- all of it got to me. Sometimes, I had to leave while shopping. I didn't want to cry in the middle of a store in front of strangers. I'd wait until I was out of the store and many times started to cry before I even got to my car.

The years went on. The wound miscarriage left behind healed, but left a scar- a deep one. Scars stick around and serve as reminders of whatever caused them. While the scars after loss my not be visible, they are still there. You're still reminded of your loss when something triggers it, or even out of the blue.

That's how it was for me and how it still is. I feel my scar as I write this. It's a "trigger" and I can't help but remember the sweet baby I fell in love with before I ever saw him. I can't help but feel the love I carry in my heart for him. I remember those days when I was a heap of tears on the floor, crying until my stomach hurt and I had nothing left.

I never thought those painfully raw days would end. It was so scary. I felt like I was slipping into some sort of dark abyss. More than once I reached my hand to God asking for help. "God, please help me!" 

Sometimes I wondered if he was listening. It wasn't until I felt a calmness wash over me that I knew he heard me. I remember getting up off the floor, sitting on the couch and closing my eyes. I felt the calming, loving energy of God wash through me.

Other losses have happened in my life since my miscarriage. I've lost my grandparents, whom I loved with all my heart. I didn't know how I'd get through it, but I did. My faith carried me as did the love of family and friends. 

When my mother passed away, it was like the inconceivable became reality. I can't even put how I felt into words. I still can't.  It's been four years and every, single day I think about her, feel her love, miss her like crazy. I survived, like I did after losing my sweet baby. The road has been filled with bumps, twists, turns. So many times I've prayed for some light in my darkened world.

Grief does that to you, but, there is always light. 

I am so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there, keep the faith and know you are not alone in your struggle. 

Love and Light, 

Ellen

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


#Miscarriage Feeling Abnormal? It's Normal

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/03/19



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-two years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Miscarriage: I felt broken. We all have a story that matters. Repost #Tuesdaythoughts

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/26/19





When I was 23 I got married. That was a long time ago. It feels like I was living someone else's life. But, it was mine.

I was newly married and for a while all was well. We had plans and someday, a child or children would be a part of them.

At 25 I was pregnant and it was a surprise. I was filled with so many emotions and even though we didn't plan for our little bundle of joy, I was excited beyond measure and loved the little one growing inside of me. 
 
16 weeks into my pregnancy during an ultrasound, I found out my baby had passed away. The doctor said I could wait to miscarry, but advised a D & C, saying it would be less painful.

I don't know if there was anything less painful. My baby died. No matter what, that pain trumped anything else. It was all I felt.

The years passed. My husband and I got a divorce. I was so sad...like a heap of tears and anxiety. I hated my "new normal". I was grieving the loss of our baby and the loss of a disintegrating marriage.

These events in my life pushed me hard. Shoved me, really. I had to move forward but didn't know who I was anymore. It felt like every dream, wish and plan for my life was gone in an instant. I felt pain every day and it changed me.

Just as I grieved the loss of my baby, I grieved the loss of my marriage. I had to grieve them both. I was only 27 when we split,  25 when I miscarried and 23 when I walked down the isle. A lot happened in those four years and it wasn't what I thought it would be.

I felt broken. My world changed and I didn't know how to change with it. Just getting through the day became a way of life for me. Missing my baby, coming to grips with the end of my marriage, having to move, feeling scared to live alone- all of it terrified me and sapped me of what little energy I had.

It took time but...

I came out on the other side. It didn't happen overnight and I never forgot the baby I loved so much and never got to hold. His spirit stayed with me and is still a part of me. Eleven years after I miscarried I wrote about it and a few years later wrote some more, taking my adversity and turning it into something that would hopefully help others- a book.

We all have stories and experience heartbreaking losses. We have joys, too and they balance out the scales. All of it adds to each page of our story. You may feel like you'll never find yourself again. One day you wake up and recognize yourself a little more. Little by little you begin to feel your strength return. You walked through the fire and came out one the other side. It wasn't easy, but you did it. Maybe you felt alone in your struggle. Maybe your faith was tested. Mine was. Later, I discovered how much I clung to my faith, like a life jacket.  I grew stronger and so did my faith. I went from questioning God to thanking God.

My journey after miscarriage (and divorce) may be different from yours. The circumstances probably are because we all have our own, unique lives. But, we are tied by a common thread. Those of you who lost a baby to miscarriage have felt the kind of pain I've felt. You've dealt with it in your own way. You've coped in your own way. You've learned that you still wake up in the morning and find a way to get through the day. Perhaps you're discovering you're stronger than you thought. Maybe you've thought about your faith in God or maybe you've questioned it. No matter how you're writing (living) your story, you and me, and countless others, have stories, too. They all matter.

I want you to know that wherever you are in your story- you are not alone. The rocky path you find your feet upon today will eventually smooth out. If you're feeling drained, tired, sad...please remember you'll feel stronger, more able and the sadness will lessen. I still carry the love of my baby with me, but the grief and sadness is not as raw and consuming as it was years ago. 

I doubt you'll never forget your baby's brief, but life changing stay with you. If you're anything like me, you'll feel your baby's spirit around you and it will fill your heart with the kind of love that never, ever dies.

God bless and comfort you,

Ellen


 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Miscarriage Help on Instagram

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/19/19



Hi everyone. I wanted to share my instagram account for miscarriage support. I pray you find some help, connection and comfort. It's under miscarriagehelpellendubois

Instagram profile: Ellen DuBois: MiscarriageHelp, a #support site I host. Baby Alex, Always in my heart. #miscarriage. #Author of I Never Held You https://amzn.to/2GVVteW

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Love Helps #lovehelps #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #griefsupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/18/19



"Uncertainty, self-doubt, self-blame...those things don't help. 

But love...love is constant. It never goes away. It keeps me connected to you, to God, to myself. Love helps."- Ellen M. DuBois, miscarriagehelp.com

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Kindle Countdown Deal Continues...Few Hours Left at $1.99

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/15/19



Just letting everyone know about the Kindle Countdown deal I have going on at Amazon. My book, I Never Held You: #Miscarriage book, #support Only 1.99 #Kindle Countdown Deal Price goes up to $2.99 in about 7 hours! https://amzn.to/2GsTRKw via @amazon Over the next few days, the price goes back to $5.99 for the Kindle book in increments. I decided to do this because I want to reach out provide some support to as many as I can. I've been doing this for a long time, (2006). I'm not a doctor or anything of the sort. I'm just a woman who's lived through the pain of miscarriage and wrote about my journey, what helped, what didn't. I know how alone you may feel but #youarenotalone. So many people can relate to you, want to help and connect. I'm deeply sorry for anyone who has lived through this and my heart and prayers go out to you. #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagebook #ineverheldyou #babyloss #prayers

 

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Kindle Countdown Deal on My Miscarriage Support Book, Starts Today

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/13/19

Hi Everyone,

I decided to run a Kindle Countdown deal on my book, I Never Held You Kindle Edition on Amazon. The Kindle Edition is only $1.99 today. The price will go back in increments over the next few days until it's back to the regular price of $5.99.

So, now's a great time to get a book that will help support you, a friend, a loved one who has experienced the pain of miscarriage. It's my hope my book will be of help.

God Bless,

Ellen

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


You're a Part of Me #repost #miscarriage #babyloss #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/11/19


You're a part of me and that never changes. I love you, and that never goes away. - Ellen M. DuBois

I create these sayings, or thoughts, when they hit me. I think about the baby I loved and lost and want to share my feelings with you. I do this in the hope that you'll somehow feel less alone in your struggle. I know it helps to feel connected to those who have lived it. I am deeply sorry for your loss and please try to hang in there. I know it's hard...that's an understatement. In time, you will get through this. You will never forget, but you will survive this and step by step, move forward. That doesn't mean you'll forget the baby you lost to miscarriage. It means you'll move forward with your life and your baby will always be a part of you. The love I still feel for my baby has never faded.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Ellen

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


To the Woman Who Miscarried: You Are Beautiful. A Reminder. #repost #miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/09/19



I know you've suffered 

a loss like no other.
You might be blaming yourself,
beating yourself up for something
that wasn't your fault.
You are a beautiful woman-
who probably isn't feeling very beautiful
right now.
You've gone through
one of the most tragic losses
a woman can go through.
You are hurting. You're missing
the baby you loved-
and never got to hold.
You're grieving and grief feels ugly.
I know it hurts.
I also know you might be
searching...
for the why, the how, the answers.
Please remember,
throughout the tears, the grief,
the hurt, the anger, and everything in-between,
you are still a beautiful woman, from the inside out.
Beauty lives in your heart and 
nothing can take that away.
I'm here to help remind you of that.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Ellen M. DuBois, 2018

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Walls Around My Heart

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/05/19



I built walls around my heart after my miscarriage. I never felt that kind of pain before, and didn't want to feel it again. It took a long time for them to come down. Time spent grieving and healing. I had to learn to stop blaming myself for my miscarriage, too. 


Maybe the walls were a way of protecting myself. What I do know is I needed time. Just processing that I lost my baby was too overwhelming. I really had to take things one day at a time and some were better than others. The bad days were terrible and felt like they'd never end.

But, they did. I cried a lot and prayed a lot, too. 

Over time, the walls began to come down. They didn't come crashing down- it was more more like piece by piece. The smaller the walls around my heart became, the more love was allowed into my heart and out from it, too. It became easier to feel as the pieces of my wall fell away.

Sending you love and prayers,

Ellen

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


So Many Hopes, Wishes, Plans and Dreams #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/21/19



After I miscarried, it was so hard to come to grips with all the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams I had for my baby not coming true. I felt so empty. Even though my sweet baby was no longer with me, all the things I envisioned stayed with me. I still imagined what our first Christmas would be like, our first everything. I still pictured what my child would be like as he grew. I wanted so many things for my baby and those dreams didn't leave me when my baby did (physically). I couldn't stop wondering, just like I couldn't stop loving my child. As the years went by, the sting lessened. But, the love I felt for my baby never went away. There are still times I wonder what life would have been like had my baby stayed. I think many of us wonder and I've come to realize that it's okay. I'm not stuck in the past, it's just that I will always love the baby I never got to hold. 


And that's okay. 

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


I thought of you a million times today. #repost #miscarriage #ineverheldyou

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/18/19



I thought of you a million times today. When I looked at the clouds, felt a breeze, saw the beauty a flower holds. I know I'll think of you a million times tomorrow, too.- Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com

Love to all who have suffered a miscarriage. I know what your heart feels.

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Why is this not the same? #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #ineverheldyou

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/09/19



"If any of you have lost a parent, a pet, or someone close to you, don't you still feel sad sometimes over it? Do you have yourself a good cry- even if it's been months or years since it happened? After you cry or 'let it out,' do you feel a sense of release? Why, then, is this not the same?"- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

I think it is the same.



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Miscarriage and Self Blame #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/08/19



"So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again."- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Viable? I didn't even know what that meant. #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/07/19



"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.

"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced.

Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me.

The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."

For me? What about my baby? God. Stop calling it 'a fetus'! 

I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.

But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.

I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.

When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.

The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.

Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill, I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.

"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said.

Try again? Let me get over this!

That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day. The child that was never to be.- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


I felt very alone in my grief. #miscarriage #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/06/19



"I felt very alone in my grief. I didn't know (back then) that there were support groups for women who miscarried. I didn't have access to the Internet and all of its resources. I couldn't find any books telling me how to get on with my life after miscarrying."- Excerpt from I Never Held You, Ellen M. DuBois

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected] 



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If you'd like to check out my line of handmade jewelry, Hope Angel Bracelets, click the link to etsy below to visit my shop. I also make remembrance/miscarriage awareness bracelets. Love and light to you, Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You