MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

To the Woman Who Miscarried: You Are Beautiful. A Reminder. #repost #miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/09/19



I know you've suffered 

a loss like no other.
You might be blaming yourself,
beating yourself up for something
that wasn't your fault.
You are a beautiful woman-
who probably isn't feeling very beautiful
right now.
You've gone through
one of the most tragic losses
a woman can go through.
You are hurting. You're missing
the baby you loved-
and never got to hold.
You're grieving and grief feels ugly.
I know it hurts.
I also know you might be
searching...
for the why, the how, the answers.
Please remember,
throughout the tears, the grief,
the hurt, the anger, and everything in-between,
you are still a beautiful woman, from the inside out.
Beauty lives in your heart and 
nothing can take that away.
I'm here to help remind you of that.

I am so sorry for your loss.
Ellen M. DuBois, 2018

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Walls Around My Heart

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/05/19



I built walls around my heart after my miscarriage. I never felt that kind of pain before, and didn't want to feel it again. It took a long time for them to come down. Time spent grieving and healing. I had to learn to stop blaming myself for my miscarriage, too. 


Maybe the walls were a way of protecting myself. What I do know is I needed time. Just processing that I lost my baby was too overwhelming. I really had to take things one day at a time and some were better than others. The bad days were terrible and felt like they'd never end.

But, they did. I cried a lot and prayed a lot, too. 

Over time, the walls began to come down. They didn't come crashing down- it was more more like piece by piece. The smaller the walls around my heart became, the more love was allowed into my heart and out from it, too. It became easier to feel as the pieces of my wall fell away.

Sending you love and prayers,

Ellen

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


So Many Hopes, Wishes, Plans and Dreams #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/21/19



After I miscarried, it was so hard to come to grips with all the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams I had for my baby not coming true. I felt so empty. Even though my sweet baby was no longer with me, all the things I envisioned stayed with me. I still imagined what our first Christmas would be like, our first everything. I still pictured what my child would be like as he grew. I wanted so many things for my baby and those dreams didn't leave me when my baby did (physically). I couldn't stop wondering, just like I couldn't stop loving my child. As the years went by, the sting lessened. But, the love I felt for my baby never went away. There are still times I wonder what life would have been like had my baby stayed. I think many of us wonder and I've come to realize that it's okay. I'm not stuck in the past, it's just that I will always love the baby I never got to hold. 


And that's okay. 

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


I thought of you a million times today. #repost #miscarriage #ineverheldyou

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/18/19



I thought of you a million times today. When I looked at the clouds, felt a breeze, saw the beauty a flower holds. I know I'll think of you a million times tomorrow, too.- Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com

Love to all who have suffered a miscarriage. I know what your heart feels.

  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Why is this not the same? #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #ineverheldyou

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/09/19



"If any of you have lost a parent, a pet, or someone close to you, don't you still feel sad sometimes over it? Do you have yourself a good cry- even if it's been months or years since it happened? After you cry or 'let it out,' do you feel a sense of release? Why, then, is this not the same?"- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

I think it is the same.



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Miscarriage and Self Blame #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/08/19



"So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again."- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Viable? I didn't even know what that meant. #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/07/19



"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.

"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced.

Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me.

The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."

For me? What about my baby? God. Stop calling it 'a fetus'! 

I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.

But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.

I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.

When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.

The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.

Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill, I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.

"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said.

Try again? Let me get over this!

That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day. The child that was never to be.- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois



  

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


I felt very alone in my grief. #miscarriage #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/06/19



"I felt very alone in my grief. I didn't know (back then) that there were support groups for women who miscarried. I didn't have access to the Internet and all of its resources. I couldn't find any books telling me how to get on with my life after miscarrying."- Excerpt from I Never Held You, Ellen M. DuBois

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected] 



About Ellen and MiscarriageHelp.com

by Ellen M. DuBois on 01/05/19



I wanted to take a moment to tell you a little about myself and why reaching out to women who have miscarried is so important to me.

My name is Ellen DuBois. I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. Reaching out to women who have miscarried is something I've been doing since 2009 and I'm passionate about. I know what it's like to feel alone after miscarriage. Writing a book and providing a website where women and their families can share is very important to me. Even today, miscarriage and its fallout are often dismissed, leaving many feeling like there's nowhere to turn. I want to become part of the solution. I'm not a doctor. Who am I? I'm a woman who's lived through miscarriage and later shared my experiences in an effort to reach out to others so they feel less alone and more connected. That connection brings with it support.

I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to adult.

You are all in my prayers and I'm sending loads of love, light and support your way. 

Ellen

Miscarriage: Struggling on the last day of 2018

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/31/18



This is my response to an email I received today. I have not included the sender's name out of respect for her privacy. I'm sharing this with you today, the last day of 2018, because I know this can be a very difficult time of year. After suffering a miscarriage, holidays often are trying times. You want to feel happy but your heart is grieving. Compounded with other things like anxiety, fear, guilt, etc., you may find yourself wondering how you're going to find happiness as we ring in the new year.


While I'm no expert, I've been living with the loss of my son Alex for over twenty five years. I've spent the same number of years wondering what life would be like had he lived. For the first decade after my miscarriage, the hurt was the deepest, with each year getting easier to handle. However, I never forgot the baby I loved so much yet never held. I never will.

However, I believe balance and faith are keys to hope and healing. My faith in God, heaven, the angels, life after this one, carried me through some my darkest times. I also had to learn to find, see and feel the joy surrounding me. From the smallest, most beautiful flower to the majesty of the mountains, these things help bring balance into my life...into my soul. God's creations and love helped me heal and it took some time. (It's also been this way since losing my mother almost four years ago, Jan. 3rd 2015 being the anniversary of her passing.)

I digress. Here is my response to a woman my heart goes out to, just as it does to all of you who are left reeling after miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you comfort, healing and much support.

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you're going through. It's hard not to constantly think about your loss, getting pregnant, wondering if you can and all the other things you're feeling.

As with any loss, you need time to grieve and heal. That doesn't mean you forget, but healing does come over time and it's different for all of us.

I remember feeling like the world just didn't "get it" after I miscarried. It was like the rest of the planet was on "play" and I was stuck on "pause".

Your loss was very real and it sounds like you're afraid that you may not be able to get pregnant again. I am not a doctor, so I don't know what to say about that. It sounds like there's a chance and that's something I hope you find comfort in. (My sister had both children in her thirties and I know many women who have.) I hope you find some comfort in that and have faith, too. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps some reassurance from your doctor would help? Or a group of women who had children in their 30's and 40's? Just thinking "out loud" and sharing with you.

It's a very emotional time of year for anyone who has suffered a loss and I'm sorry you've found yourself in that group. Please remember: Your best is good enough and taking things a day at a time is all you can do. When you focus on your worries to the point they consume you- about the future, ever getting pregnant, feeling guilty, all of it, it makes it hard to see the joy and to be present in the moment. Being present in the moment allows you to feel whatever you need to. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you'll take a walk and focus on the beauty around you. Balance is key and it's not an easy thing to find when your world feels upside down. But, it's possible and it helps emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I wish I could help the pain go away, but I know that's impossible. I remember when just getting through the day without crying was a challenge. Over time, I started to feel a bit more like myself. It just happened- over time. When I held everything in, I ended up sick, (really sick, with pneumonia). So talking, or venting is important. If talking to someone, (like a friend or counselor), is more helpful, I hope you're able to do that. If writing things down to get your feelings out helps, I hope do more of it like you did in this email to me. All these things and more help you to focus more on healing, which makes you better able to cope. Does that make sense?

I am sorry for what you have been through. That goes out to your sister in law, too. Losing a baby is extremely difficult and I wouldn't compare the circumstances. I pray for both of you as you navigate the waters.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. May 2019 be a year of healing and joy for you.

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


May You Feel Comfort and Love this Christmas

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/25/18



My heart goes out to all who are grieving this Christmas and holiday season. May you feel the comfort and love of your precious one in Heaven. 

Love and comfort to you,

Ellen

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


It's Hard to Feel Merry. #miscarriage #grief #hardtofeelmerry #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/13/18



 

I get it. I remember how tough the Christmas following my miscarriage was. All I could think about was the baby I lost. I was consumed with thoughts like:

 It's hard to feel merry. It feels like the world is celebrating and I'm stuck on pause.

This should be our first Christmas together.

How can I feel happy when inside I'm so sad?

Nothing feels right. The whole world feels different.

When will I feel like me again?

I feel like I'm going to lose it.

How can I be around all these people when inside I feel like I'm screaming?

Doesn't anyone understand that I'm grieving?

I know what it's like and I can tell you that although you will never forget your baby, things will get easier for you in time. If your wounds are very raw right now, please know that your best is good enough. Just take everything one day at a time and if you need to "step away", you can.

Pray for strength. Pray for comfort. Ask the angels to surround you this Christmas and give you some peace. Take some deep breaths. What others may think about your loss really doesn't matter. You have every right to feel and in time you will heal.

Christmas was tough for me for a long time. Even now, when my baby would have been a 27 year old, I think of him, particularly on Christmas. I have an ornament hanging on the tree with his name on it. No, I will never forget my baby and I certainly don't expect you will. I hope you find some comfort in feeling your little one's spirit near you.

On the flip side, if you do find yourself smiling, or a feeling of peace and happiness surfaces, please allow yourself to feel that, too. It's a gift and even while you're grieving, you can still feel joy. As Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, "You can grieve and live at the same time." (That has stuck with me, especially since the loss of my mother.)

"Sometimes it's hard to feel merry. It feels like the world is celebrating and I'm stuck on pause. That's what grief does."- Ellen M. DuBois

My heart goes out to all who are grieving this Christmas and holiday season. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and comfort to you,

Ellen



I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


If I had a Wish This Christmas #griefsupport #miscarriagesupport #griefpoem

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/10/18



If I had a wish

I knew would come true-

I'd ask to visit Heaven

so I could see you.

You're loved beyond measure,

you're missed

so many ways.

I send you my love

this Christmas-

and every day.

- Ellen M. DuBois

#griefsupport #miscarriagesupport #griefpoem #missyouatChristmas

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


A Piece of My Heart is in Heaven This Christmas #repost #miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/05/18



This is how I have felt for years about the baby I loved and lost to miscarriage: "As I celebrate Christmas and the holiday season, a piece of my heart is with you in Heaven."- Ellen M. DuBois It'll always be that way. I'd be willing to say that many of you feel the same way. I am so sorry for your loss and want you to know that you're all in my thoughts and prayers.  


God Bless and comfort you, Ellen

#griefduringholidays #repost #miscarriage



I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


The Holidays and Grief After Miscarriage (and a book to help you)

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/01/18



Hello everyone. My name is Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. I'm sharing this post about grief during the holiday season and a bit about my book in case you or someone you love is struggling with grieving after miscarriage- especially during this time of year. It's a beautiful time, but when you're grieving it can be very tough to get through. There are so many conflicting emotions and expectations.

I know it's one of the most difficult things to go through because I've lived it. 

With Christmas here, many women (and their families) struggle with feelings of loss, sadness and isolation. You may be trying to get into the holiday spirit but find you're bouncing between tears, putting on your best "happy face" and trying to get things done, leaving you feeling sad and exhausted. If this sounds like you, I know what you're living and I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. 

I'm here to tell you that although it's very hard right now, over time you will come out on the other side of this. Please don't lose hope and give yourself permission and time to grieve and heal. 

During the Christmas and holiday season, it can be challenging to find the time. I'm here to suggest that giving yourself a few minutes, whenever you can, to decompress is so important. If you need to step away from gift wrapping, shopping or a gathering for a few minutes, please do. If you're at a Christmas party and feel like you might "break down",  try to give yourself permission to step out for bit of air. We all need that sometimes. 

You've suffered such a painful loss. You need time to heal and putting pressure on yourself to "get everything right" and "show up happy" can be way too much for you. By giving yourself permission to grieve, perhaps staying home from the party this year, (or whatever), you're taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to heal from a very real loss. If you have to be somewhere, (I know family/friend gatherings can be very important), try promising yourself that you'll give yourself some "me time" later, to rest, cry, journal, get lost in a movie under a cozy blanket...to just be.   

I don't believe you'll ever forget your baby or your loss, but I do know from personal experience that you'll heal over time and begin to recognize yourself again. You'll start to feel like you again and the tears will be less frequent. It took me quite a while. Please don't lose heart.

Here is a description of my book: "I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."- Ellen M. DuBois, Author, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen

 Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]


Hustle, Bustle, Christmas...Finding Strength When You're Grieving

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/27/18



Hello Everyone,


I wanted to ask you to to touch base with your feelings. Check in with yourself and take some deep breaths.

If you've suffered a miscarriage, stillbirth, loss of child or another loved one, this time of year can be very tough. I don't have words that are adequate to describe the struggle you may be going through. However, I've lived it and have an understanding of what you may be feeling.

When you're surrounded Christmas lights, songs, movies on TV, a list of gifts to buy and things to do, it might be difficult for you to find the motivation to do any of it. It's tough to take part in celebrating Christmas, (I say Christmas because that's what I celebrate. This applies to you and the holiday you celebrate, too), when a pretty big part of you just wants to curl up on the couch and hide.

I've been there on a few occasions. After my miscarriage, which was in April, I found myself almost dreading Christmas. I tried to focus on what the holiday was really about, not just me and my loss.  I was very wrapped up in mourning- really consumed by it. I had planned a Christmas filled with gifts for my newborn baby. 

What I envisioned and what was were very different things. 

I did okay buying gifts for family members and friends. I was a wreck when picking out gifts for my young nieces, nephews and other children in my life. It had nothing to do with my love for them and everything to do with my pain and grief. Every baby outfit and toy reminded me of what could have been. I can't even tell you how many times I wanted to break down right in the middle of a store. Back then, you didn't shop online. You went to the store and that was it, other than mail order catalogs.

I got through the first Christmas after my miscarriage with the love of family and friends surrounding me. I tried so hard to get out of my own head and focus on the birth of Christ, my baby in Heaven and the true meaning of Christmas. I wanted to experience giving and love. My faith was challenged. I was not anywhere close to 100%. 

I realized later, after some time to heal, that placing high expectations upon myself while grieving instead of simply accepting that my best was good enough, hurt me. When you're seeing through the eyes of grief, everything is skewed. Nothing looks or feels like it used to. That's part of the nature of grief. It was, and still is, for me.

I grieved my baby all those years ago and still think about him today. I will for the rest of my life. Almost four years ago I lost my mother. I have not been the same since, just as I changed after I miscarried. I had to learn to live with grief and came to realize that healing, (you never forget), takes time. It's different for all of us. 

That's why I asked to you check in with yourself at the beginning of this post. I know there are feelings beneath the surface weighing you down. I know it's tough when you're putting on a smile and inside you feel like crying. I know what it's like to just want to stay home because you're so exhaused from trying to "appear okay" to everyone. 

I am so sorry for your loss and for roller coaster of emotions you're probably feeling right now.

So, do yourself a favor. Check in with your heart and soul. If they tell you to slow down a bit, let some tears out, say some prayers for strength and comfort, whatever it may be, then please follow your gut.  When you allow yourself to feel, you can let some of those feelings that hurt out. It may be in the form of tears, some self care (maybe a nice relaxing bath), journaling, prayer. 

My faith in God and in the angels comforting me helped me more than I can say.  

The comfort I allowed myself to feel in simply being around my family, without any expections placed upon myself to keep it together, helped me to cope. I had to let down some of the wall I'd built around myself so I could let their love in. So I could let God's healing love in.

I wish you comfort, quiet times, soulful times and much healing and love.

Ellen




 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


The Ornament on The Tree #miscarriage #remembranceornament #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/26/18



The ornament upon the tree

is not like any other.

It has your name upon it-

from me, your loving mother.

I hang it oh-so gently,

upon the Christmas tree.

To let you know you'll always

be "my baby" to me.

I send my love to Heaven,

upon an angel's kiss.

You're in my heart forever-

the baby I'll always miss.

Love Always, Your Mother

Ellen M. DuBois, 2017


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Each November I Remember #miscarriage #repost

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/21/18





My baby would have been a Thanksgiving baby. Even though it's been many years since I miscarried, this time of year is bitter-sweet for me.

I am so thankful for many things. My health, family, friends, a roof over my head, blessings both big and small. Gratitude is an attitude I try to live with every day.

But, as with any loss, you can't help but wonder, remember, reflect- especially when a holiday or anniversary rolls around. (I miss my mother, too. She passed away in January of 2015 and losing her changed me...my life.)

Once again, I think of the baby I lost, Alex. He'd be all grown up now. I wonder what he'd look like? Be like? What would his voice sound like? How would hugging him feel?

My faith has carried me. I see Alex in heaven. Sometimes, I picture him with Jesus. I'm grateful for my faith.

But...I'm only human. There will always be a part of me that wishes he were here...with me. There will always be a part of me that wonders what it would have been like to have watched him grow up. That's simply the way it is and I've learned it's not going to change. I'm not going to change, at least that part of me. I've accepted this as who I am and how I feel. To resist it would do me no good. 

How can you not think about someone you loved so much and lost? How can you not...remember?

To anyone who is going through this, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find comfort in God, the angels, in each other and in knowing you are not alone.

Have a Blessed Thanksgiving,

Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


#repost A Letter to My Baby in Heaven #miscarriage #miscarriagebook

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/12/18



Dear Baby of Mine,


I think about you so often. I decided to write you a letter. Something tells me you already know what I'm writing to you.

I loved you since the moment I knew you. I never felt a love so strong or so deep. It's unlike any other kind of love I experienced.

Knowing you were growing inside of me made me feel a connection to you that words can't describe. I remember patting my belly gently, talking to you and sometimes, I'd smile just knowing you were there, safe and sound.

I had so many wishes, hopes and dreams for you. I was so excited to see you for the very first time and hold you in my arms.

Well, one day, all of that went away. You had to go back to Heaven and I bet it's because you were too good for this earth. I've heard that expression before and something tells me it's true. I've also heard about soul lessons, and I think you came into my life to teach me about mine.

I'll never know what God's full plan is for me, but I know you coming into my life was part of it. I also know you leaving was another part of it...but, it hurt unlike anything I've felt or ever will. 

You taught me so much, like how much stronger I was than I thought. You taught me that love transcends everything, even death. You taught me how precious life is and to treasure every moment because it can change in an instant. You taught me that even though we are not together here, we are always connected- it's REAL. You taught me that my feelings should be expressed, not held in. You taught me that tears help to heal wounds and holding them in isn't good for me. You taught me how to take my pain and turn it around to help others. You taught me that everything is not in my control and how important it is to have faith in God for support. There were times I didn't know how I'd get through the day, and faith carried me. God carried me. The angels helped me and I bet you did, too.

I pictured Jesus holding you in his arms so many times. That comforted me while my arms ached to hold you.

I know it's been a long time since I lost you, but I have never, ever stopped loving you. 

You taught me that whether in Heaven or on earth, I will always be your mother.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for every other way you touched my life and heart. 

I Will Love You Forever,

Mom


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Things That Help When You're Overwhelmed #Miscarriage #remembering #overwhelmed

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/03/18



November has always been a bittersweet month for me. There's so much going that I enjoy. Thanksgiving is coming up. Fall is here and I love the fall. The air is cool and crisp, pumpkins and fall flowers decorate doorsteps. I love the smell of apples, homemade soups. All of it.


Except this: My baby would be been born in November. I remember the doctor telling my husband (at the time) and me we'd have a "Thanksgiving baby". 

I never saw or held my Thanksgiving baby because I found out I lost him at 16 weeks. 

My emotions are running so high right now. I know it's been over 25 years since I lost my baby boy named Alex. But, every Thanksgiving I think of him. I remember the day the doctor said  "the fetus is no longer viable".  I was so detached. I felt like I was living someone else's life and that went on for a long time. I said goodbye to my baby and to all the wishes, hopes, plans and dreams I had for him. Even now, all these years later- all this life lived later- my eyes feel the familiar sting of tears when I remember that terrible time.

I remember in November, and I'm feeling overwhelmed, too. There's so much going on and my emotions are heightened. I think that's normal for many of us. I do my best to keep things in perspective. Faith and prayer are my anchors. My family, is, too. My friends are like lights in the dark. 

Ever have one of those days when simply hearing your friend's voice calms you down? 

My fiance has been in pain for months. He'll be okay, but feeling helpless isn't something I do well with. Who does? I have to come up with a new business plan, which around Christmas, is almost too much to wrap my brain around. My mother passed away three-plus years ago and that always weighs heavily on my family- Dad, two sisters, grandchildren. Especially around the holidays.

If it sounds like I'm complaining I guess I am. I'm venting.  If you're feeling overwhelmed right now, if you're missing your baby and embracing the holidays scares the crap out of you because your emotions are extra sensitive, you are not alone. Maybe you need to vent, too. That's okay.

You may have a lot on your plate, or not. It doesn't matter. Once we enter this time of year many of us find emotions coming to the surface at rapid speed, from out of the blue and it makes you feel vulnerable- like you're teetering on some kind of "fine line". I know you're doing everything you can to keep your balance. If you need a little help, I'm going to share what works for me.

1. Without sounding too "preachy",  I find starting my day with prayer, a show of gratitude, helps. Even when the scales seem tipped way to far in the negative direction, counting my blessings really helps to tip things in my favor. Like the late Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." 

I know that doesn't take away all the pain you've lived. But, it helps get you through some tough times. The positive, (it's there, even when it's hard to find), tips your scale into a more balanced position. Example: health, a roof over your head, food to eat, a job, friends, family, a pet that loves you unconditionally. I know when I bring these blessings to the front of my mind it shifts my thinking. I feel lighter. I feel HOPE. 

2. Take some time to just "be". While being alone may not be the right thing for you, sometimes it is. There are times when I welcome being in my car because I'm alone. I don't turn on the radio because I want the quiet to surround me. It's like I'm in my own little "bubble" for a while. It calms me down.

3. Slowing down my pace and being aware of it gives me a sense of control and calm. I make myself walk slower in the grocery store. It's a conscious effort and I figure if I have to grocery shop, (or whatever),  I might as well take the hurried madness out of it and just chill out while doing it. It helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

4. Know you're not alone. We are all living a story. Sometimes, it's filled with joy and other times sadness. There are days we feel like we've got it together and there are others we really struggle to get through. No matter what, you are not alone and tomorrow is a brand new day. Do your best. It's okay to feel sad or down...we are human. We all remember and experience very trying, often  overwhelming times. 

5. Know you are loved by those around you and by your little one in Heaven. 

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


This website contains affiliate links and I may be compensated if you make a purchase after clicking through one of my links.



Take a look at this. I Oxycise almost every day and love it. I've got increased energy, am feeling stronger, have lost inches and weight and am more toned. All in the comfort of my home in 15 minutes! Oxycise! It's time to take a deep breath and change your life! Click here!


Custom order a Baby Remembrance Bracelets at Hope Angel Bracelets by Ellen DuBois..

Powered by WebRing.



HomeQuotes You Probably Relate ToPicture GalleryCommentsMore CommentsContact MeAbout EllenAdvertising

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You