To the Woman Who Miscarried A Long Time Ago :

To the Woman Who Miscarried A Long Time Ago

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/06/20

I am so sorry for your loss. Some of you may not have heard those words. Years ago they didn't talk about was kind of swept under the rug and life, your life, was expected to go on as normal. I know that's the furthest thing from the truth. I know because I lived it and I still think about the baby I loved and lost.  I still miss him and he'd be an adult now. All grown up. Maybe he'd have his own family. 

Perhaps you, like me, have spent years, actually a couple of decades, wondering what your baby would have been like. I've missed all those first moments with him and feel somewhat cheated of a life with him. Not all the time. The wound isn't as raw as it used to be. However, there are times I wish I lived the other life, the one where I watched my baby grow up. It will always sadden me that I didn't see those first steps, that first tooth growing in, hear his first word, see the first beautiful smile. All of it.  

I used to be somewhat reluctant to say these things because I thought it best I didn't.  I didn't want people to think I was "brooding" or stuck in the past. Then I realized these were my feelings and I had every right to feel them. My loss, my grief, my way of feeling. Holding it in doesn't do any good. I'm being real, true to myself and to you. This is what's in my heart. 

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life today. That's not it. I count my blessings and know for whatever reason, this was the path my life was supposed to take. I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment. 

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes wander into the world of "what could have been." After all, I didn't lose a car. I lost a baby. My life was proundly changed and I'd be willing to bet yours was, too.

So, if you have missed your baby for years and sometimes drift into the world of "what ifs and could have beens", you aren't alone.  I get it and we can take comfort in knowing we have walked this path together for quite some time.

Wishing you health, love and light.


Welcome to My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

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Welcome to My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You