I Will Always Remember The Day There Was No Heartbeat
by Ellen DuBois on 10/21/17
The leaves are turning. The colors are vibrant and beautiful. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love the sights, scents, (pumpkin, apples, fireplaces, mulled cider) and sounds, (hearing the marching band at night when I take the dog out), of fall.
Although it's my favorite time of years, I still think about the baby I miscarried 26 years ago at about 16 week pregnant.
When I first found out we were having a baby, I was filled with so many emotions. They were joyful and part of me knew it wasn't in the "plan" my husband at the time had. We'd been married for only two years and I knew he wanted to wait until things like finances, buying our first house, etc. were in order.
But, life often doesn't go according to our plan. I believe there's a much bigger one, the plan God has for us, happening in our lives.
I fell in love with my baby right away. I could feel the connection we had and every day it grew as my baby did. He was going to be born around Thanksgiving and I so looked forward to our first Thanksgiving as a family of three.
Like I said, life doesn't often go according to our plan and one day, while my husband was away on business, I noticed blood after going to the bathroom. I'd stopped at my parent's house to use their's. It was easy to do because I worked on the road in newspaper advertising sales.
My sister was home and she took me to the hospital.
That's the day I learned my precious baby died. There was no heartbeat.
They say time heals all wounds and I know that's mostly true. But, as I sit here typing this, my eyes are filling with tears. My stomach has that knotted up feeling and I remember how crushed and numb, (if that's possible), I felt when the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable."
I remember walking to my sister's car, head down, staring at the sun glaring off the pavement. I remember getting into her car and the drive back to my house. I remember feeling like I was living a nightmare, but I was awake. My baby was inside of my womb, no longer alive, and I was scheduled to have a D & C.
After my husband (again, at the time), got home, I told him. I could have called him in Arizona, but decided not to. He was coming home that night and why call and tell him over the phone when he was so far away?
I knew he felt sad, but I think it was more for me. He was not emotionally ready for a baby and I almost sensed his relief. That's not to say he was a bad person. He wasn't. But, we were certainly on different pages and I felt very alone.
My Thanksgiving baby was never to be. (Crying now just reading those words.)
So, if you've miscarried and you find there's a time of year, an event or a day that's a trigger for you, please know you're not alone. Look at me. I'm writing about my miscarriage 26 years after the fact and I'm still so filled with emotion. It climbs to the surface of my mind and it's like I feel all of the pain and sadness over again- even if it's only for a little while.
I believe that's because I loved my baby so much and also because we are still connected. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I can tell you that I believe my child lives on in Heaven, another realm, and our love is very much alive. I believe he's with me in spirit and I often feel him around me, like I do right now.
I will always remember the day there was no heartbeat.
I will also always feel a deep connection to my baby, who I named Alex. That will never die and someday, when it's my time to cross over, I believe we will be reunited.
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen
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