Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. : MiscarriageHelp.com
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MiscarriageHelp.com
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com

My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. 

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around.

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean.

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Times Like These", an online paper I curate and by listening to you. 

My baby boy Alex would have been thirty this fall. It's hard to believe. Although I've healed and grown since losing him, my heart has never forgotten him. I'll never forget how I felt when I miscarried and the depths of despair I sank into. The love I had for my baby is as real as any other. To this day it continues to inspire me to reach out to others to let them know they're not alone.

This site is undergoing an update. It's long overdue. But, the content here is for you and I hope you leave feeling more supported and understood than you did before you arrived.

Back when I wrote I Never Held You, not many books were out there about miscarriage and its fallout. I'm glad to see there are many more today because that means awareness of miscarriage and the aftermath has grown. I wish we didn't have to suffer such losses, but knowing there is more support and acknowledgment of your loss is reassuring.

I know nothing will change what happened to me, to you and to those who will go through the pain of miscarriage. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society in general will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. 

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/19/21



Dear Ellen,

I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.

I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.

My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.

I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.

Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.

E

Dear E,

I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)

As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.

Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.

The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.

You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.

Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know exactly what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.

In being 'just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.

You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around. I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.

So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.

I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.

Love, Light and much Healing to you.

Ellen

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About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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