Remembering My Baby While Watching Christmas Movies
by Ellen DuBois on 11/06/17
It's the time of year when you can turn on the television and catch a Hallmark Christmas movie. Even when I've seen one before, I'll watch it again because they give me a sense of comfort. It's kind of like a tradition with me. November rolls around and I know I'll be watching them once again until Christmas comes.
There are times, however, when I get this bittersweet feeling while watching them. I'll see a family decorating a Christmas tree and they're happy. Even if they've been though their share of struggles, they're together.
Sometimes, I think about what Christmas would be like if I had a child decorating the tree with me. I wonder what Christmas morning would be like had my baby, Alex, survived.
What would Christmas be like if I didn't miscarry?
For a moment, I feel a pang of sadness. It's short but sharp. I know getting caught up in all the "what ifs and could have beens" is not good for me, makes me sad and keeps me trapped in a time that has long since passed.
I allow myself to feel it and find I recover much quicker than I used to. Right after my miscarriage twenty plus years ago, I could barely watch anything, including TV commercials, that showed happy families, babies, etc. It was just too difficult.
Now, the pain of "what could have been" is there, but not nearly as strong as it once was. I am not surprised when a wave of sadness overcomes me and I'm briefly taken back to a time when life was filled with the dreams of my child being with me every day, not just during the Christmas season.
It just goes to show you that I haven't forgotten. I can't because it's impossible. My baby was a part of my life and still is. I will always have a special place in my heart for him at Christmas and all year long.
So, if you find yourself feeling sad, thinking about the baby you never got to hold, please remember you are not alone. You are not abnormal- even if years have gone by since you miscarried. It's part of the fabric of your life. I believe you and your baby, who now resides in heaven, will always be connected.
I am so sorry for your loss, and I completely get what you're feeling if it's anything like what I've just written about.
Allow yourself to feel and you're going to be okay. I know it's not easy, but you'll make it through.
Love and Light to you, Ellen
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen
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