Miscarriage: I Felt Broken. We All Have a Story that Matters.
by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/20/18
When I was 23 I got married. That was a long time ago. It feels like I was living someone else's life. But, it was mine.
I was newly married and for a while all was well. We had plans and someday, a child or children would be a part of them.
At 25 I was pregnant and it was a surprise. I was filled with so many emotions and even though we didn't plan for our little bundle of joy, I was excited beyond measure and loved the little one growing inside of me.
16 weeks into my pregnancy during an ultrasound, I found out my baby had passed away. The doctor said I could wait to miscarry, but advised a D & C, saying it would be less painful.
I don't know if there was anything less painful. My baby died. No matter what, that pain trumped anything else. It was all I felt.
The years passed. My husband and I got a divorce. I was so sad...like a heap of tears and anxiety. I hated my "new normal". I was grieving the loss of our baby and the loss of a disintegrating marriage.
These events in my life pushed me hard. Shoved me, really. I had to move forward but didn't know who I was anymore. It felt like every dream, wish and plan for my life was gone in an instant. I felt pain every day and it changed me.
Just as I grieved the loss of my baby, I grieved the loss of my marriage. I had to grieve them both. I was only 27 when we split, 25 when I miscarried and 23 when I walked down the isle. A lot happened in those four years and it wasn't what I thought it would be.
I felt broken. My world changed and I didn't know how to change with it. Just getting through the day became a way of life for me. Missing my baby, coming to grips with the end of my marriage, having to move, feeling scared to live alone- all of it terrified me and sapped me of what little energy I had.
It took time but...
I came out on the other side. It didn't happen overnight and I never forgot the baby I loved so much and never got to hold. His spirit stayed with me and is still a part of me. Eleven years after I miscarried I wrote about it and a few years later wrote some more, taking my adversity and turning it into something that would hopefully help others- a book.
We all have stories and experience heartbreaking losses. We have joys, too and they balance out the scales. All of it adds to each page of our story. You may feel like you'll never find yourself again. One day you wake up and recognize yourself a little more. Little by little you begin to feel your strength return. You walked through the fire and came out one the other side. It wasn't easy, but you did it. Maybe you felt alone in your struggle. Maybe your faith was tested. Mine was. Later, I discovered how much I clung to my faith, like a life jacket. I grew stronger and so did my faith. I went from questioning God to thanking God.
My journey after miscarriage (and divorce) may be different from yours. The circumstances probably are because we all have our own, unique lives. But, we are tied by a common thread. Those of you who lost a baby to miscarriage have felt the kind of pain I've felt. You've dealt with it in your own way. You've coped in your own way. You've learned that you still wake up in the morning and find a way to get through the day. Perhaps you're discovering you're stronger than you thought. Maybe you've thought about your faith in God or maybe you've questioned it. No matter how you're writing (living) your story, you and me, and countless others, have stories, too. They all matter.
I want you to know that wherever you are in your story- you are not alone. The rocky path you find your feet upon today will eventually smooth out. If you're feeling drained, tired, sad...please remember you'll feel stronger, more able and the sadness will lessen. I still carry the love of my baby with me, but the grief and sadness is not as raw and consuming as it was years ago.
I doubt you'll never forget your baby's brief, but life changing stay with you. If you're anything like me, you'll feel your baby's spirit around you and it will fill your heart with the kind of love that never, ever dies.
God bless and comfort you,
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Love & comfort to you, Ellen
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