Miscarriage: I can't stop thinking why me? Why again? : MiscarriageHelp.com
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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com ​

My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. ​

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around. ​

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean. ​

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Miscarriage Help", a free newsletter I curate and by listening to you. ​

I know nothing will change what happened to us. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. ​

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path. ​

Love and Light, ​

Ellen

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.Companion miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com

Miscarriage: I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/19/22

Dear Ellen,


I came across your site and wanted to vent a little. I've just had a second miscarriage and between being at home, my husband going through a job change after a layoff, this baby was a bright spot in our lives. We've already suffered one loss that put me in such bad depression. I didn't know how to move on but did my best. About a year and half later, I was pregnant. 

I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

I don't really need to go into details but after I miscarried, I felt numb. That didn't last very long because the sadness came and it's stayed. I miscarried in May of this year. I was about 10 weeks. I didn't tell many people because I was afraid and figured I'd wait until I passed the first trimester.

Never happened and here I am. I just don't know how to deal with this and thanks for having a place for me let some this out.

I ordered your book, too. A friend of mine from work suggested it. 

Thanks for listening,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know your emotions are strong and right now the pain is so raw. I felt a lot like you- numb at first and then I was crying all the time. I'd be fine one minute and the next I'd have tears running down my face. Or, I was trying to hold them back because I was in a situation where bursting into tears wouldn't have been good, (like at work). While I'm not a doctor, I'm a woman who has lived what you're going through and I can say I really get where you're coming from.

There's not a lot that helps us through grief. It's one of those very painful things we have to feel and wade through. Everyone is different and there's no time frame on grief. Along with those layers of emotion are questions like: Why me? Why again? How do I get through this? Am I losing it?  (And many more.)

Although there was nothing to save me from having to feel the pain and get through the grief, I did find some things helped. The first is exactly what you did here: write what you're feeling. I vented whenever I could. Online support wasn't around when I miscarried. But, then it appeared. I found support groups. They were brand new and I explored. I wrote to myself just to get my feelings out. It helped because I released so many pent up feelings that felt like they were eating me up.

My family and friends were super supportive. But, nobody can walk your road and nobody I knew had miscarried. So, I looked for books that dealt with miscarriage to feel less alone. Back then, I couldn't find any. Eventually, more of them were written and I'm glad to have been a part of that. Women feel far too alone after they miscarry - even today.

Faith played a big part in my healing. However, I was all over the place in my twenties. My faith and healing grew over time. But, I know my personal belief in God, Heaven, a plan, (one I didn't really like), and feeling the spirit of the baby I lost around me helped a great deal. 

My biggest wish is for you to take the time you need to feel and heal. I know you won't forget your babies, nor would ever expect you to. I never forgot mine. Taking care of yourself and allowing whatever you're feeling to come out- crying, writing, taking a walk, clearing your head, taking to someone, praying, meditating. All of these things and whatever feels right to you help to balance out the scales. Grief is no easy thing and you're allowed to grieve.

I say that because so many women are made to feel their grief isn't as real as with other losses. I fully disagree. Your grief is very real and you need time.

I'm always here if you want to vent again. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way.

Love and Light,

Ellen  



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About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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