Miscarriage: Struggling on the last day of 2018by Ellen DuBois on 12/31/18
This is my response to an email I received today. I have not included the sender's name out of respect for her privacy. I'm sharing this with you today, the last day of 2018, because I know this can be a very difficult time of year. After suffering a miscarriage, holidays often are trying times. You want to feel happy but your heart is grieving. Compounded with other things like anxiety, fear, guilt, etc., you may find yourself wondering how you're going to find happiness as we ring in the new year.
As with any loss, you need time to grieve and heal. That doesn't mean you forget, but healing does come over time and it's different for all of us.
I remember feeling like the world just didn't "get it" after I miscarried. It was like the rest of the planet was on "play" and I was stuck on "pause".
Your loss was very real and it sounds like you're afraid that you may not be able to get pregnant again. I am not a doctor, so I don't know what to say about that. It sounds like there's a chance and that's something I hope you find comfort in. (My sister had both children in her thirties and I know many women who have.) I hope you find some comfort in that and have faith, too. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps some reassurance from your doctor would help? Or a group of women who had children in their 30's and 40's? Just thinking "out loud" and sharing with you.
It's a very emotional time of year for anyone who has suffered a loss and I'm sorry you've found yourself in that group. Please remember: Your best is good enough and taking things a day at a time is all you can do. When you focus on your worries to the point they consume you- about the future, ever getting pregnant, feeling guilty, all of it, it makes it hard to see the joy and to be present in the moment. Being present in the moment allows you to feel whatever you need to. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you'll take a walk and focus on the beauty around you. Balance is key and it's not an easy thing to find when your world feels upside down. But, it's possible and it helps emotionally, physically and spiritually.
I wish I could help the pain go away, but I know that's impossible. I remember when just getting through the day without crying was a challenge. Over time, I started to feel a bit more like myself. It just happened- over time. When I held everything in, I ended up sick, (really sick, with pneumonia). So talking, or venting is important. If talking to someone, (like a friend or counselor), is more helpful, I hope you're able to do that. If writing things down to get your feelings out helps, I hope do more of it like you did in this email to me. All these things and more help you to focus more on healing, which makes you better able to cope. Does that make sense?
I am sorry for what you have been through. That goes out to your sister in law, too. Losing a baby is extremely difficult and I wouldn't compare the circumstances. I pray for both of you as you navigate the waters.
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. May 2019 be a year of healing and joy for you.
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
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