Miscarriage: "I feel like I've gone through hell!" : MiscarriageHelp.com
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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com ​

My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. ​

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around. ​

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean. ​

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Miscarriage Help", a free newsletter I curate and by listening to you. ​

I know nothing will change what happened to us. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. ​

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path. ​

Love and Light, ​

Ellen

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.Companion miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com

Miscarriage: "I feel like I've gone through hell!"

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/02/22



Hi Ellen,

I just found your site and realized by reading the comments that what I am going through is probably normal. I was worried that I was going through a breakdown, not sure why, but reading the comments in your site made me realize what was wrong. I am 44 years old and didn't get married until I was 42. After fertility treatments, I got pregnant last November and miscarried 8 weeks later. We had heard the heartbeat and then went the next week and there was no heartbeat. It was devastating, but after two rounds of IVF i got pregnant again this past August and the miscarried after 9 weeks. This time, everything started out fine but then something went wrong and it was 9 long weeks of waiting until i miscarried. I felt like I have had been through hell!! It seems like no one knows what to say to me and it seems like people don't undertand the devastating affects of miscarriages. My baby would have been born on March 21 and I think this is why I am going through a lot of depression and anxiety right now. Too make matters worse, since I am 44, not sure how I want to proceed either with donor egg or adoption. I feel stuck and like I am losing my mind. I don't understand why people are more sympathetic to people who go through breakups, then people who have miscarriages. I feel for both. Anyway, it was nice to see your site and read others who feel the same way. Thank you for all of us!!

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your losses and can relate to your feelings on many levels.

You brought about a very good point and I agree with it: people treat those who have had break-ups with more compassion and understanding than those who have miscarried. I, too, feel for both...

Why is it this way?

I think it's because a break-up is so obviously sad. There's usually someone on the other side to blame, try to figure out, feel sad over losing, etc. Friends can talk to each other about breakups, visualizing the other person. They're here- walking the face of the earth.

On the other hand, when we lose our babies to miscarriage, there's no physical memory of the baby. This is very sad because there IS so much love tied to the baby. But, many people can't wrap their brains around it. They often don't know what to say because there wasn't a baby held, seen. Oh, but you and I know there was a baby loved.

Many feel talking about a breakup, loss of a job, loss of a parent or other loved one, to be somewhat easier because although there is pain involved, they've got something or someone 'tangible' to talk about.

What of our babies? Were they not real? Were they not loved? Didn't we have wishes, hopes, plans and dreams for our babies? Were they not within us, warm in our womb?

To anyone who's lived through miscarriage- they get your pain. I get your pain. I know that ache and the emptiness you feel. You are healing two losses and the possiblity that you'll not get pregnant again. You may also be afraid of pregnancy because of facing another miscarriage.

I'm the same age as you. I miscarried once a long time ago. I've always wanted to adopt - and that's me. It's a very personal choice. I could try to get pregnant, but I have the same fears you do. It's confusing. What gets me through is faith that the right thing will happen at the right time and I will someday, (hopefully sooner than later), be called "Mommy". My wish is the same for you, no matter what path you decided to take. You will know it in your heart. You will feel it in your soul. You will live it- with faith in whatever name you give a power greater than yourself. I happen to call that power God.

So now the healing begins, or in your case has been an ongoing experience. You certainly are not alone in the way you feel and I am glad you found this site. Of course I wish you never had to, but when you feel like you're losing, and boy I did for a long time, it's comforting to find others who feel the same. None of us wanted to live through such a painful experience as miscarriage. It cuts so deep. But, we do find comfort through each other. Our sadly common experience joins us in a way- a spiritual way, if you will. It's like a light switch went on and we finally can say, "Somebody gets it. Someone gets me and I'm not going nuts for feeling like I do. There are others who feel like they're flipping out, having anxiety attacks, crying at the drop of a hat. I am not....alone."

You are not alone. None of us are, but until we know that, miscarriage and the aftermath can leave us feeling like we're standing on an island of one.

Please know we're all with you on that island and together we heal, grow, learn, cope, and yes, find ourselves with feet planted firmly on the ground again.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep the faith and when you feel like you're running low, I'm always here.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen

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About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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