Miscarriage: "It was OUR baby, not just mine." Why isn't he THERE? : MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: "It was OUR baby, not just mine." Why isn't he THERE?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 06/12/12

"...Why, after only a month, has my once supportive husband turned into someone who thinks I should be over this and moving on with life? I don't get why he doesn't feel the pain like I do. After all, it was OUR baby, not just mine." - Julia

This is in response to the email/comment below from Julia.

Dear Julia,

I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. I know how difficult it is to turn to someone for support, or try to, and it just isn't there. It's very painful and isolating.

While I can't read your husband's mind, I would guess that he doesn't want to bring up losing your baby because he can't 'fix it'. Typically, and I don't like to stereotype, men like to fix what's bothering us. When they can't, they often avoid it.

The thing is, you are in pain and need him right now. I don't know if you've told him that, and I know it feels like you shouldn't have to, but maybe it would help. Perhaps just saying to him, "I know you don't quite get what I'm living, but I really need you to help get me through this."

I'm not a psychologist or a doctor- I'm just sharing what I know based on my own experience and the comments of many women who feel just like you. I know I've fallen into the place where I feel my partner should be able to read my mind or pick up on the fact that I'm sad because...well, tears are running down my face. Some men are very quick to catch on and are very attentive/supportive. Others may notice, but because they feel helpless, they run rather then hug.

I think a hug would be more helpful. To you and to him.

Grieving your baby after a miscarriage is tough enough. When distance grows between you and your husband, it's more difficult. You feel alone. He needs to believe he can help you. So many times we feel like we shouldn't have to ask, and I get that. But, that can lead to bitterness, and I'd be very sad if that happened between you and your husband.

If you find after talking to him that it's just not happening, please try to keep your focus on you and your healing. I don't know if there are any support groups in your area, but if you're comfortable with it, it may help to be around others who have lived the same. Coming here to miscarriagehelp.com at least gives you the chance to let out what you're feeling, and that helps, too. I know it's not the same as a one to one or being surrounded by people who have been there. But, it helps to know you are heard.

Believe me, you are.

I want you to know I am here to listen and offer whatever I can. I'll also be keeping you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

If you want, please let me know how you're doing.

Love and Light,


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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You