Grief Does That to You- But There Is Always Light
by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/08/19
Life teaches us many things and some of the lessons are painful. Sometimes, they knock the wind out of you.
After my miscarriage, the wind was knocked out of me. The roller coaster of emotions I felt left me exhausted every day. Some days I'd cry while other days I'd go through the motions, feeling numb. In between crying and numbness, there were so many other feelings mixed into the pot. They all drained me of energy.
I've learned that grief is exhausting. The first year after I lost my baby I was tired all of the time. By the second year, (I'm using years, but it's not as "clean" as that), it was most of the time. I was beginning to feel like "me" again, but a changed version of myself. I felt like I was walking around with some sort of cloud over my head and felt detached from the world around me. Grief changes you because it changes your perspective. It's a change we all face because pain pushes us there. It hurts so much and is far from easy.
Three years after my miscarriage, I was going about my days and functioning better, but I was so sensitive to anything that reminded me of babies. TV commercials, baby showers, seeing pregnant women, hearing about another friend who was having a baby, finding myself near baby clothes while shopping- all of it got to me. Sometimes, I had to leave while shopping. I didn't want to cry in the middle of a store in front of strangers. I'd wait until I was out of the store and many times started to cry before I even got to my car.
The years went on. The wound miscarriage left behind healed, but left a scar- a deep one. Scars stick around and serve as reminders of whatever caused them. While the scars after loss my not be visible, they are still there. You're still reminded of your loss when something triggers it, or even out of the blue.
That's how it was for me and how it still is. I feel my scar as I write this. It's a "trigger" and I can't help but remember the sweet baby I fell in love with before I ever saw him. I can't help but feel the love I carry in my heart for him. I remember those days when I was a heap of tears on the floor, crying until my stomach hurt and I had nothing left.
I never thought those painfully raw days would end. It was so scary. I felt like I was slipping into some sort of dark abyss. More than once I reached my hand to God asking for help. "God, please help me!"
Sometimes I wondered if he was listening. It wasn't until I felt a calmness wash over me that I knew he heard me. I remember getting up off the floor, sitting on the couch and closing my eyes. I felt the calming, loving energy of God wash through me.
Other losses have happened in my life since my miscarriage. I've lost my grandparents, whom I loved with all my heart. I didn't know how I'd get through it, but I did. My faith carried me as did the love of family and friends.
When my mother passed away, it was like the inconceivable became reality. I can't even put how I felt into words. I still can't. It's been four years and every, single day I think about her, feel her love, miss her like crazy. I survived, like I did after losing my sweet baby. The road has been filled with bumps, twists, turns. So many times I've prayed for some light in my darkened world.
Grief does that to you, but, there is always light.
I am so sorry for your loss. Please hang in there, keep the faith and know you are not alone in your struggle.
Love and Light,
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
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