Comment About Miscarriage. Do You Relate? : MiscarriageHelp.com
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My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. 

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around.

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean.

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Times Like These", an online paper I curate and by listening to you. 

My baby boy Alex would have been thirty this fall. It's hard to believe. Although I've healed and grown since losing him, my heart has never forgotten him. I'll never forget how I felt when I miscarried and the depths of despair I sank into. The love I had for my baby is as real as any other. To this day it continues to inspire me to reach out to others to let them know they're not alone.

This site is undergoing an update. It's long overdue. But, the content here is for you and I hope you leave feeling more supported and understood than you did before you arrived.

Back when I wrote I Never Held You, not many books were out there about miscarriage and its fallout. I'm glad to see there are many more today because that means awareness of miscarriage and the aftermath has grown. I wish we didn't have to suffer such losses, but knowing there is more support and acknowledgment of your loss is reassuring.

I know nothing will change what happened to me, to you and to those who will go through the pain of miscarriage. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society in general will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. 

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Comment About Miscarriage. Do You Relate?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/19/21



A comment from a reader in the past. I wanted to share it because I think many of us relate to her feelings:

B Says:

Saturday I bought a baby book.

By Monday (Sept. 8th) my baby was gone at 3 and 1/2 months along.

I had the D and C on Tuesday.

Waking up from it I cried and repeatedly said 'my baby's gone."

Feeling numb,shocked,lonely,empty,misunderstood, confused.

All the questions:

When does this get better?

When, IF,I get pregnant again,how on earth will I be able to hold that new baby, without remembering this one?

How bad will it hurt emotionally?

What if I miscarry again??

Was my baby a boy or girl?

What was wrong?

I know that God is rejoicing that a new angel has come home. But it doesn't take away the pain of missing that angel here on earth.

Ellen says:

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your loss, and you're right...even though we believe our baby is in Heaven with God, it doesn't take away from our pain. We are left here on earth feeling terribly empty and often alone.

Sadly, I can't take away your pain, but certainly understand and feel it. I know how it reaches right into your core and seems to consume every waking moment.

Grieving the loss of your baby after miscarriage is a very difficult journey, as you know. The one thing I can do for you is BE here. I am here to listen, to share my thoughts with you, and to try and offer some sort of comfort-even if it's just hearing you and validating your grief.

The questions you ask are ones I asked myself. All the why's, what ifs and so on go through your mind like a CD that keeps repeating. In many ways, the answers remain a mystery...it's the healing and coping we can work on-day by day, step by step.

Fear of pregnancy after a miscarriage is something that, to me, is perfectly valid. Not that it makes things any easier, but you are not alone in the plight. Many women fear pregnancy again because who'd want to live through the pain of miscarriage again?

That's where healing comes into play. You really need to give yourself the time and space you need to FEEL what you must. It's no easy task and often you'll find yourself in tears. However, I believe your tears make room for something better to come along in your life. In order to heal, we have to feel. Coming here and putting your emotions out there was a big step in your healing. You've shared a part of you that hurt to share, and we all 'get it' and support you.

While there may never be a 'concrete' answer to whether or not your baby was a boy or girl, I gently suggest you go with your gut instinct if you feel the need to know. Trust your feelings on this one and if you want to name your baby, please do so. Sometimes, holding a memorial service, (I had one for my son this year-seventeen years after I miscarried), and it brought me closure I never had. I set a balloon with a 'kiss mark' from my lipstick on it into the air and watched as it soared into the sky. I felt connected to my baby and knew we'd always share in the connection of our spirits-or love.

While I can't say how long it will take you to heal, I can say you will. You won't forget, nor are you expected to. If you have supportive people around you, please don't hesitate to accept their help and support if you find it brings you comfort. You deserve to be comforted-just as you would while grieving any loss.

For so long people have 'swept miscarriage and its fallout' under the rug, and that is changing. We are real people who have suffered a real loss and it left us feeling like the rug had been ripped out from under our feet. Awareness to your loss, the losses of all those here and all over the world, needs to be recognized for what it really is-the loss of a baby never held, but always loved.

I found that prayer, tapping into my spirituality, exercising, guided meditations on CD's, talking it out, finding something creative to do, etc., helped me with my pain. It balanced out the scales so that there was some positive energy in my life. I didn't do most of these things right away because I felt so lost. But, over time, I took on more things and dove into the healing process-feeling completely blindfolded because there wasn't much out there in terms of support after miscarriage.

Know that you are always welcome here and can 'vent' anytime. You are heard. Your feelings matter, and again, I am SO sorry for your loss.

Love, Light and Healing to you,

Ellen

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About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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