Anniversary Dates Bring On Grief :

Anniversary Dates Bring On Grief

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/12/19

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

While it's been years since I miscarried, each April I think about the baby I lost.  I remember the day, the spectrum of feelings, the numbness as I left the hospital, feelings of detachment, the tears that made me double over- all of it. I think it's become part of my DNA, my soul. The reality of what I went through comes flowing back in waves. I've given up trying to explain it or figure it out. It's painfully simple: I loved my baby and suffered a great loss when I miscarried. When the anniversary date rolls around, my senses are heightened. I tend to cry more over things like TV commercials and songs. I'm moodier, weepier...and I believe all this is normal. At least it's my normal and quite possibly yours, too. 

I've learned to go with it and feel whatever comes to the surface because it's a part of my life experience- a painful one. 

This became clearer to me after losing my mother. When January 3'rd rolls around, the anniversary date of her passing, I am filled with so many emotions. I feel a deep sense of loss. I miss her voice even more. I miss everything about her more. I know that's not abnormal. How could it be?

While losing my mother was the most difficult thing I've ever lived through thus far, my miscarriage was the most difficult loss I'd lived through at that time of my life some 28 years ago. 

All losses matter. All are grieved. We dont lump them into one. They are grieved separately and they all matter. So do you.

My losses left scars. I imagine yours did, too. That's what grief does. We heal over time but I don't think we ever get over it. We're all different, but speaking for myself, anniversary dates, (both the painful and the good), make me reflect, remember and relive. All those feelings are part of my life's journey and I look at the scars left behind as a testament to how deeply I loved. 

As the anniversary date(s) passes and I get through it, I pray a lot, my emotions begin to balance out. This happens with every painful anniversary date just like the ebb and flow of the tide. I ride the wave to solid ground.

I'm so sorry for your loss and I'm thinking of you all with love and light, Ellen 



Welcome to My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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Welcome to My name is Ellen DuBois and I am deeply sorry for your loss. is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me. I try to connect and give whatever support I can to those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after I miscarried. I'm not a doctor. 
I'm just a woman who's lived through it and am here to listen, share and provide a space for you to share with each other, too.- Love & comfort to you, Ellen 
You can purchase my book, I Never Held You, miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery at Amazon by clicking on this link: I Never Held You