Pregnant Again and Afraid After Miscarriage : MiscarriageHelp.com
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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com ​

My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. ​

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around. ​

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean. ​

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Miscarriage Help", a free newsletter I curate and by listening to you. ​

I know nothing will change what happened to us. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. ​

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path. ​

Love and Light, ​

Ellen

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.Companion miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com

Pregnant Again and Afraid After Miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/20/21



Hi, I've prevoiulsly shared my pain about my miscarriage with you, I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. And i am so SCARED. I was totally unprepared for the rawness of my grief for my Angel baby when i found out i was pregnant again. I am painfully aware that instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 6weeks. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but i just dont think i can.

Dear K,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I truly understand your fears. You're still grieving the loss of one life while wanting to celebrate another. Yet, after walking the painful road after miscarriage, of course you're afraid of it happening again.

So, how do you enjoy this pregnancy like you want to, and deserve to? I've never been in your position because I wasn't pregnant again. I get what you're saying and why and I know many women have been in your situation and have had the same feelings.

Our thoughts are so powerful and you can tell by the amount of fear you have right now. To be pregnant while still grieving the loss of your other baby would set off all kinds of fear triggers with me. So, I gently suggest you try to balance the scales out a bit so you can enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.

An example of this would be my parents. When my mother was seven months pregnant with me, my brother passed away. He was around 18 months. I know both parents were walking on eggshells for the duration of my mother's pregnancy with me. How could they not? They just buried their son in February and I was due in May.

Fear...it can grab hold of us and rob us of our joy if we allow it to take control of our thoughts. But, how do we stop it? We're human and feel. When terrible things happen, they leave an imprint upon us.

My parents gave birth to me while grieving the loss of David, my brother. They were so relieved to hear the word "healthy" when I was born. They didn't hear that word when David was born, just like you sadly found out your precious baby had passed over while pregnant before.

Yes, you are still healing from you miscarriage and it's a hard road. There's no minimizing that. Each life, each baby is so loved and cherished. What I gently suggest is focusing, as best you can, on the now. Don't push yourself, but when you feel excited about this pregnancy, allow yourself to do so. When you're afraid, allow yourself to grieve. I think what helps is allowing yourself to feel both ends of the spectrum. The joy of being pregnant again fills you with anticipation of the new life you will bring into this world. The pain of your miscarriage fills you with fear that it may not happen.

You're in a joyful place and a difficult one at the same time. That's very hard to "wrap your brain around."

There are comments on this site about women who have miscarried and become pregnant shortly afterwards. If you have the time, please read through them and know you are not alone in your fears.

Sometimes we become afraid of being happy after we've been hurt because we're afraid it'll be taken away from us and we don't want to live through the same pain and disappointment again. The trouble with this is that we prevent, (I'm talking about so many of us), ourselves from enjoying the happiness that is right there in front of us. Our fears, (thoughts), of what did happen and might happen again hold us back.

While the loss of your baby to miscarriage will never be forgotten or dismissmed, the baby you are carrying now is also loved very much by you. I gently suggest you try to focus on the happy outcome you want and try to visualize it happening. I think doing this will help you experience some joy right now- the joy you deserve and need.

If you find yourself unable to do this, maybe you could talk about it with your doctor. Perhaps some reassurance will help relieve some of your fear. I also ask that anyone reading this who has lived what Katherine has to please share your experience with her. Knowing there are people who truly know the road we're walking helps us to feel less alone, less afraid, and more hopeful.

So many things we think are in our control simply aren't. Often, we learn this through painful experiences- like your miscarriage. Again, I am so sorry. On the flip side, we often learn how much isn't in our control when joyful things happen- like your pregnancy right now. All we can do is have faith, take life one moment at a time, and do our best.

Your best is good enough- you are good enough- and I pray you'll have a beautiful experience with this pregnancy and deliver a healthy, happy baby.

I often listen to audio books or meditational CD's because they calm me in so many ways: mentally, physically and spiritually. They renew my mind, help my thinking, and give me new perspectives that I may have been too blinded by pain, confusion or grief to see. If you'd like to know what's helped me, just drop me a line & I'd be happy to share some books & CD's that have really made a difference. Even some inspirational movies.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and Comfort to you,

Ellen

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About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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