MiscarriageHelp.com

I Never Held You- A Book About Miscarriage, Grief, Healing, Recovery

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/23/22

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."- Ellen M. DuBois

Comments (0)

Losing It all In One Day

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/17/22

Dear Ellen,

On Friday morning I woke up with pain in my abdomen and had been spotting since Wednesday. After a few hours of agony my partner took me to the doctor. I told them we'd been trying to get pregnant for a while and hadn't menstruated for about 2 months. She got me to do a urine sample which showed I was pregnant but told me that I was most likely miscarrying or had an ectopic pregnancy. She told me go to hospital and have a scan, which I did. While having the scan I get told I'm most likely miscarrying at the time. I'll never forget the feeling of having something so special and losing it all in one day.

Ellen says:

Dear Nicole,

I am so sorry for your loss. The pain you've been through both emotionally and physically is difficult to deal with. I know the feeling you're talking about...the one where you're losing something so special in just one day. It's like your whole life gets turned upsidedown in a single, horrible instant.

Grieving after miscarriage, or any loss, is never easy. I want you to know you have every right to grieve and we are all here for you. Your loss is as real as any other, and I know you loved your baby very much. Please go easy on yourself and give yourself the time you need to heal. It's different for all of us. The key is allowing yourself to be who you are, feel what you do, and let it out.

I pray there are supportive people around you. Many times we feel so alone after losing our babies to miscarriage because after a short period of time, people tend to have a 'get on with it' attitude. If you experience this, please try to tell yourself your feelings are real, you have every right to grieve, and anyone who says such a thing simply does not understand your loss.

Please come back if you ever feel the need to vent, share, whatever, with those who can relate to you, and offer their support with all their hearts.

Blessings, Light and Healing to you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

"Just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly."

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/12/22

Dear Ellen,

This website and "I Never Held You" have been a great help through the healing process. My husband and I have been married for five years and wanted to expand our family. We just assumed we would be pregnant and everthing would go smoothly. However, after four pregnancies and no babies we were sadly mistaken. We did not take time to grieve. Why? Every doctor that treated us during our miscarriages made us feel like it wasn't a big deal and it happens all the time. Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically. After I had a panic attack and cried all the time, we decided to do some research on the web. We bought the book, which my hubby and I both read. And realized this is a big deal, our babies died and we have the right to mourn those losses. It's been almost a year since our last loss. Even though we still think how old our babies would be now and then, we're in a better place Thank you Ellen.

Ellen says:

Dear Leah,

I am so sorry for your losses, and the emotional ride of disappointment and hurt you and your husband have been through.

It does my heart good to know that I Never Held You and MiscarriageHelp.com have proven to be of some help. Sadly, neither the book nor this site would exist had I not lost my own baby.

In a way, this site in honor of ALL our babies lost to miscarriage. Something positive had to come from all our tears. An awareness that the babies we lost were JUST AS REAL as the miscarriages we suffered is starting to take hold.

To be basically 'blown off' by your own doctor after your miscarriages is terrible. "Just wipe away the tears and get over it, basically."

Yes, you have the right to mourn your losses- and should. Without grief, how do you truly heal? I know you and your husband will NEVER forget your precious little ones, but healing doesn't mean forgetting. It's a process, as you are painfully aware. I suspect you'll always think about things like how old your babies would be, etc.

I still do, and my son would be almost eighteen years old.

Oh, and boy can I relate to your panic attacks. Actually, you may have read about my experiences with them in my book. Scary. So scary. Miscarriage is very traumatic and the more doctors are aware of this, the more they may see miscarriage as a catalyst for anxiety, depression and the like. When this happens, more women and their families will be helped.

Thank God there are some very compassionate doctors out there.

I pray for your dreams of a family to come true, Leah. How you reach that goal is to be seen- there are various roads to examine. But, I wish nothing but the best for you and your husband, and will always keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for letting me know where you are on your healing journey. Knowing you are both in a 'better place', (I know it's still tough), inspires me, and will probably inspire others here.

Blessings to you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

Miscarriage: I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/19/22

Dear Ellen,

I came across your site and wanted to vent a little. I've just had a second miscarriage and between being at home, my husband going through a job change after a layoff, this baby was a bright spot in our lives. We've already suffered one loss that put me in such bad depression. I didn't know how to move on but did my best. About a year and half later, I was pregnant.

I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

I don't really need to go into details but after I miscarried, I felt numb. That didn't last very long because the sadness came and it's stayed. I miscarried in May of this year. I was about 10 weeks. I didn't tell many people because I was afraid and figured I'd wait until I passed the first trimester.

Never happened and here I am. I just don't know how to deal with this and thanks for having a place for me let some this out.

I ordered your book, too. A friend of mine from work suggested it.

Thanks for listening,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know your emotions are strong and right now the pain is so raw. I felt a lot like you- numb at first and then I was crying all the time. I'd be fine one minute and the next I'd have tears running down my face. Or, I was trying to hold them back because I was in a situation where bursting into tears wouldn't have been good, (like at work). While I'm not a doctor, I'm a woman who has lived what you're going through and I can say I really get where you're coming from.

There's not a lot that helps us through grief. It's one of those very painful things we have to feel and wade through. Everyone is different and there's no time frame on grief. Along with those layers of emotion are questions like: Why me? Why again? How do I get through this? Am I losing it? (And many more.)

Although there was nothing to save me from having to feel the pain and get through the grief, I did find some things helped. The first is exactly what you did here: write what you're feeling. I vented whenever I could. Online support wasn't around when I miscarried. But, then it appeared. I found support groups. They were brand new and I explored. I wrote to myself just to get my feelings out. It helped because I released so many pent up feelings that felt like they were eating me up.

My family and friends were super supportive. But, nobody can walk your road and nobody I knew had miscarried. So, I looked for books that dealt with miscarriage to feel less alone. Back then, I couldn't find any. Eventually, more of them were written and I'm glad to have been a part of that. Women feel far too alone after they miscarry - even today.

Faith played a big part in my healing. However, I was all over the place in my twenties. My faith and healing grew over time. But, I know my personal belief in God, Heaven, a plan, (one I didn't really like), and feeling the spirit of the baby I lost around me helped a great deal.

My biggest wish is for you to take the time you need to feel and heal. I know you won't forget your babies, nor would ever expect you to. I never forgot mine. Taking care of yourself and allowing whatever you're feeling to come out- crying, writing, taking a walk, clearing your head, taking to someone, praying, meditating. All of these things and whatever feels right to you help to balance out the scales. Grief is no easy thing and you're allowed to grieve.

I say that because so many women are made to feel their grief isn't as real as with other losses. I fully disagree. Your grief is very real and you need time.

I'm always here if you want to vent again. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way.

Love and Light,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

Miscarriage: I'm having a difficult time moving forward.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/07/22

Dear Ellen,

It will be four years this July since I miscarried. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was alone and scared. I made a call to my doctor's office when I saw blood on the toilet paper while at a family cookout.

My husband was away on business. I didn't even have the chance to tell him we lost the baby right away because his cell phone wasn't working.

I got home that night after leaving him countless messages to please call me. My sister stayed with me through it all.

There are lots of details I'm leaving out, but the bottom line is I'm having such a difficult time moving forward from this. Some days it feels like it just happened. I can barely breathe. I know it's been four years, but the pain is there every single day and I feel like it's eating me up. My husband and I talk about it but honestly, I don't feel it does any good. I'm glad we can talk, but do I feel better? No. I think it's because it doesn't change anything. Nothing will bring my baby back and we've had a very difficult time getting pregnant again.

I'm rambling, lost, found your site and felt like spilling here. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Dianne

Hello. This is Ellen, host of this site. I've shared this email from Dianne after she told me it was fine to do so. I'll get back with a response and post it. I wanted to share it now so any of you who are feeling the same way realize you are not alone. I remember what it was like four years after my miscarriage. There were times the wound felt so raw. Sending you all love and light and I'm so sorry for your loss. Ellen #miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)