MiscarriageHelp.com

Hello everyone. My name is Ellen DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. I'm sharing this post about grief during the holiday season and a bit about my book in case you or someone you love is struggling with grieving after miscarriage- especially during this time of year. It's a beautiful time, but when you're grieving it can be very tough to get through. There are so many conflicting emotions and expectations.

I know it's one of the most difficult things to go through because I've lived it. 

With Christmas here, many women (and their families) struggle with feelings of loss, sadness and isolation. You may be trying to get into the holiday spirit but find you're bouncing between tears, putting on your best "happy face" and trying to get things done, leaving you feeling sad and exhausted. If this sounds like you, I know what you're living and I am so sorry for your loss and what you're going through. 

I'm here to tell you that although it's very hard right now, over time you will come out on the other side of this. Please don't lose hope and give yourself permission and time to grieve and heal. 

During the Christmas and holiday season, it can be challenging to find the time. I'm here to suggest that giving yourself a few minutes, whenever you can, to decompress is so important. If you need to step away from gift wrapping, shopping or a gathering for a few minutes, please do. If you're at a Christmas party and feel like you might "break down",  try to give yourself permission to step out for bit of air. We all need that sometimes. 

You've suffered such a painful loss. You need time to heal and putting pressure on yourself to "get everything right" and "show up happy" can be way too much for you. By giving yourself permission to grieve, perhaps staying home from the party this year, (or whatever), you're taking care of yourself and allowing yourself to heal from a very real loss. If you have to be somewhere, (I know family/friend gatherings can be very important), try promising yourself that you'll give yourself some "me time" later, to rest, cry, journal, get lost in a movie under a cozy blanket...to just be.   

I don't believe you'll ever forget your baby or your loss, but I do know from personal experience that you'll heal over time and begin to recognize yourself again. You'll start to feel like you again and the tears will be less frequent. It took me quite a while. Please don't lose heart.

Here is a description of my book: "I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."- Ellen M. DuBois, Author, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Wishing you joy, peace, healing and comfort during the holiday season and all year through. - Ellen 

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I know what it's like to feel very alone in my grief. There were so many times I felt like people didn't quite get what I was living. They felt bad and tried their best to understand, but I felt isolated, even when surrounded by people. It didn't stay that way. Over time I connected with others who had lived the same, I felt more understood and far less isolated. So did they. That's when I know how important reaching out to others was- still is. #miscarriage #reachout #miscarriagehelp #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #pregnancyloss #babyloss #isolation #connection #feelingalone #talkaboutit #missingyou #missingyouquotes #grief #griefquotes #griefsupport #ineverheldyou #miscarriagequotes I'm thinking of you all with love and light, Ellen 

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Dear Baby of Mine,

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I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more.

Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried.

The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: "Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you."

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Years ago I lost my baby Alex to miscarriage. His loving spirit changed my life. The pain after losing him changed my perspective. My feet were on a path I didn't want or know how to walk on.

Over time I learned how little there was, (over 25 years ago), available to support women and their families. I knew that had to change and 11 years after my miscarriage, I felt Alex's spirit nudging me to do something to help increase awareness...

Even if only a little.

I wrote a book and started a website. I healed to the point where I could use my pain to try and create something to contribute to awareness.

Adversity into positive.

And now, all these years later, I see women supporting each other, men and families, too. I thank God our very real losses are recognized and validated. I am moved so deeply at this powerful wave of light in honor of our babies.

We have come a long way since the 1990's. (And before.) Each year I hold all of you in my prayers. I see awareness and support growing. We are heard. Our babies are remembered and loved beyond measure.

Love to you all and your babies. I am so sorry for your loss.

#miscarriage #miscarriageawareness #youarenotalone #loss #pregnancyandinfantloss #waveoflight #remberingourbabies #pregnancyloss #babyloss #pinkandblue #youarenotalone #ineverheldyou #grief #awareness #supporteachother

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Thinking of my sweet baby in Heaven and all of you.
#waveoflight #waveoflight2019 #miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief — with Ellen DuBois in South Easton, Massachusetts.

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My heart goes out to all who have lost a child. October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month. The 15th of October is pregnancy and infant loss remembrance day. None of us want to belong to this group, yet we find our feet upon the same path. Together, we create a support group that reaches around the world because of the Internet, awareness, less isolation and places to share our feelings. Back when I lost my baby at 4 months, I searched for places to turn, books to read...anything. There wasn't much 25 plus years ago. It doesn't make the loss any easier, but the support that's available now because of raised awareness, the Internet, more books, more talking about it- well, these things make it a bit less isolating. As we honor the lives of our babies who left their footprints upon our hearts, may we also remember to reach out to others in need and ask for help if you need it. You are all in my thoughts and prayers. Love and Light to you, Ellen #miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyloss #miscarriagesupport #october15 #pregnancyandinfantlossawarenessmonth #rememberingourbabies2019 #womenhelpingwomen #youarenotalone #yourlossmatters #miscarriagehelp.com #ineverheldyou

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October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month
It's the month
we remember our babies who
crossed over to the other side.
We honor their brief stay
that foreve changedour lives 

October...it's a month we support each other both in person and around the world.

Sending you all love, light and prayers,
Ellen

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This is preganancy and infant loss awareness month and I know it's a difficult time for many. We remember our babies and share in that pain together. We also honor our little one's brief but life changing stay with us. We lean on each other for support. We collectively remember our babies on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day.

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I remember feeling so overcome with grief after my miscarriage. There were times I'd feel the sting of tears without any warning. I'd be "fine", (as fine as I could be), and wham, I'd be crying.

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Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe MiscarriageHelp.com has been online since 2006. Wow. Thirteen, (going on fourteen) years. I am grateful, blown away, humbled and have been touched by everyone's comments.

Those years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing, understanding and healing.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed Miscarriagehelp.com would grow so much.

It's become part of my life- this platform for women, (men and other family members/friends, too). Many people have told me they feel supported simply by reading the comments of others. They feel a sense of connection. Others have lived the same. Some women want to share their experience- their pain as well as their healing process. It's a way of letting out emotions and it's part of both  an individual and a collective healing process. 

Grief is so difficult to get through. When you're grieving a loss that doesn't go acknowledged ("accepted as valid or legitimate"), it's so isolating.

Some people visit when they don't know how to support a woman who has miscarried. The posts here give them better insight into what a woman is going through after suffering a miscarriage.

Whether you read, post or do both, I'm so grateful to have you here and hope you find some comfort.

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection gives us comfort and reassurance. 

If you visit this site and you leave feeling you're not alone in this, I know something is happening that's helpful to you. That's what counts. 

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. 

Here's one of the first comments made on this site. I think many of you will be able to relate to this woman's feelings: 

To Ellen:

Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer.

I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun.

I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside.

Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me.

I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again-"R"

Dear "R"

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.

I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).

Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.

Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.

Those who love you, R, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.

Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to ask. "One bite at a time."

With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,

Ellen

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Here is a message I rencently received from a woman struggling as she approaches the anniversary of her miscarriage:

Hi, Thank you for all of the time and effort you have put into this cause... November 4th, will be 3 years since the day my baby was taken away.. I was only 10 weeks along when I found out and the baby stopped growing at 7 and a half weeks. No one really knows but it still bothers me so bad to this day. Although I know it isn't my fault and I know its common. I still feel as if it is.... My fiance took it harder then I did, well he made it more obvious.He went down hill our relationship went downhill... Anytime me or anyone mentioned it he got so mad.. We have a two year old daughter. I sort of feel dumb for being upset because most people would look at it like I only knew about the baby for 6 weeks and never got to see the baby. But I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mother. No one in my family has had a miscarriage before and it happened to ME. I have ALWAYS been all about kids wherever I went and now unless its my daughter I have to hide the fact that every kid gets on my nerves... :( Thats horrible. Im not even the same person even three years later.. Thank you for reading all of this."

My response:

I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how you loved your baby and it's not dumb or anything of the sort to miss your baby and to feel all the emotions that go along with your loss. When the anniversary date approaches, it gets tougher for a lot of women. Myself included.

I lived it and know how you feel. (Every Novermber around Thanksgiving I go into kind of a "funk" and it's been so many years since I miscarried. My baby would have been born around Thanksfiving and I can't help but remember him.)

So many others have experienced the heartache of losing their babies to miscarriage and getting through anniversary dates. We know how you feel. You're not alone.

I know you have a two year old daughter and love her with all your heart, but having a child doesn't make this loss any less.

Also, your miscarriage wasn't your fault. I remember wondering if there was anything I did wrong to cause my own miscarriage. It was like torturing myself. Over time I learned that I didn't cause my miscarriage, but I spent a lot of time making myself more miserable wondering. I even asked my doctor who assured me I hadn't done anything to cause it.

It took a long time for me to feel like "me" again. I get not feeling like you're the same person. The thing is, loss and grief do change you. You will get there, (back to feeling like yourself), but it takes time to work through grief and some of the other things that go along with it. Please give yourself that time and keep the faith that you'll find your way. You can enjoy loving your beautiful daughter and continue healing at the same time. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and God Bless,

Ellen

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I don't know if there's a better way to describe how I felt after losing my baby to miscarriage. Nothing looked the same. The world felt upside down. If you're feeling this way, please know you are not alone. Eventually, things even out a bit. You begin feeling more like yourself again. You don't forget. You're not expected to. But, there's light. Please go easy on yourself and takes things one moment at a time. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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It took a long time for me to stop blaming myself. I wanted to know why my miscarriage happened and when I came up empty handed, it was easy to blame me. But, it wasn't my fault and love is a great healer. It also keeps me connected to my baby, to God, to myself. If you feel like this, you're not alone. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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It took a long time for them to come down.  If you feel like this, you're not alone. Sending love and prayers your way and I'm so sorry for your loss, Ellen

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(I wrote this on the seven month anniversary of my mother's death. It's now been over four years and you know what? I could have written this today.)

It's been over four years today since you died. I guess I'm not-so-good at this grief thing.

I've been trying to find myself in my life since you left. I've been trying to see through the thick fog of missing you that clouds my glasses, skews my vision and makes the world look different. There are days when I see the beauty this world has to offer. The vibrant flowers, blue sky, ripples in the pond, a baby's smile, butterflies and more. When this happens, I know I am seeing the world much like you did. Those are the moments I feel I am healing. Seeing beauty in the world and the people around is how you saw things. That's how you taught us, through example, to live.

I know you wouldn't want me to crying over your transition seven months after the fact. I also know you wouldn't judge me for it either. You'd listen to me and then offer some words of wisdom that were packed with understanding, honesty and a spiritual wisdom that you seemed to always possess.

All you ever wanted was for me to be happy- for all of us to be happy and enjoy life.

I am trying to enjoy my life, mom. I am doing things that push my limits, like flying more even when I'm feeling anxious, riding in that fast car even when I might not feel up to it, and telling myself to just get out there and do it because life is short.

I loved the way you lived- but not as much as I loved you. I strive to be more like you in the way I live. I'm not doing the best job, but the effort is there. Plus, we're all different and that's what makes life and people so wonderful. That's why God made chocolate and vanilla. I'm me, not you, and you want me to be the best version of me possible.

Mom, I know you are living on the other side. I don't just believe it, I know it. That is not my struggle. It is your physical absence that is my struggle. It's not being able to hear your voice on the phone, see your smiling face, hug you and just know my mother is there- with my father.

You are with your Father - your heavenly father and I know how important that was to you. I know you have been reunited with all those you loved who made the transition before you. These are the things I must hold tight to. These are the things I must not only say but believe with every fiber of my being.

Isn't that what faith is? Isn't it more than a belief? Isn't it knowing all is well?

I can almost hear you saying: I am fine. All is well. Do not cry for me because I am home. Don't waste another day afraid or in tears because I am not physically there. I am always there and you know this. Wrap your mind and your heart around this, and you will feel me there. I am okay. It's okay. Now go on and live your life. Live it! Live it with love.

That really is the answer. L-O-V-E.

I'm trying, Mom, and will continue to try and get better. All my love to you, forever, Ellen.

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

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