by Ellen M. DuBois on 09/20/19
It's hard to believe MiscarriageHelp.com has been online since 2006. Wow. Thirteen, (going on fourteen) years. I am grateful, blown away, humbled and have been touched by everyone's comments.
Those years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing, understanding and healing. A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach.
I never dreamed Miscarriagehelp.com would grow so much.
It's become part of my life- this platform for women, (men and other family members/friends, too). Many people have told me they feel supported simply by reading the comments of others. They feel a sense of connection. Others have lived the same. Some women want to share their experience- their pain as well as their healing process. It's a way of letting out emotions and it's part of both an individual and a collective healing process.
Grief is so difficult to get through. When you're grieving a loss that doesn't go acknowledged ("accepted as valid or legitimate"), it's so isolating.
Some people visit when they don't know how to support a woman who has miscarried. The posts here give them better insight into what a woman is going through after suffering a miscarriage.
Whether you read, post or do both, I'm so grateful to have you here and hope you find some comfort.
Small steps. One day at a time.
How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection gives us comfort and reassurance.
If you visit this site and you leave feeling you're not alone in this, I know something is happening that's helpful to you. That's what counts.
To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Here's one of the first comments made on this site. I think many of you will be able to relate to this woman's feelings:
Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer.
I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun.
I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside.
Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me.
I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again-"R"
I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.
I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).
Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.
Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.
Those who love you, R, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.
Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to ask. "One bite at a time."
With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be: