MiscarriageHelp.com

Pregnant Again and Afraid After Miscarriage

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/20/21

Hi, I've prevoiulsly shared my pain about my miscarriage with you, I am currently 6 weeks pregnant. And i am so SCARED. I was totally unprepared for the rawness of my grief for my Angel baby when i found out i was pregnant again. I am painfully aware that instead of being 37 weeks pregnant i am 6weeks. I want to enjoy this pregnancy but i just dont think i can.

Dear K,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I truly understand your fears. You're still grieving the loss of one life while wanting to celebrate another. Yet, after walking the painful road after miscarriage, of course you're afraid of it happening again.

So, how do you enjoy this pregnancy like you want to, and deserve to? I've never been in your position because I wasn't pregnant again. I get what you're saying and why and I know many women have been in your situation and have had the same feelings.

Our thoughts are so powerful and you can tell by the amount of fear you have right now. To be pregnant while still grieving the loss of your other baby would set off all kinds of fear triggers with me. So, I gently suggest you try to balance the scales out a bit so you can enjoy this pregnancy as much as possible.

An example of this would be my parents. When my mother was seven months pregnant with me, my brother passed away. He was around 18 months. I know both parents were walking on eggshells for the duration of my mother's pregnancy with me. How could they not? They just buried their son in February and I was due in May.

Fear...it can grab hold of us and rob us of our joy if we allow it to take control of our thoughts. But, how do we stop it? We're human and feel. When terrible things happen, they leave an imprint upon us.

My parents gave birth to me while grieving the loss of David, my brother. They were so relieved to hear the word "healthy" when I was born. They didn't hear that word when David was born, just like you sadly found out your precious baby had passed over while pregnant before.

Yes, you are still healing from you miscarriage and it's a hard road. There's no minimizing that. Each life, each baby is so loved and cherished. What I gently suggest is focusing, as best you can, on the now. Don't push yourself, but when you feel excited about this pregnancy, allow yourself to do so. When you're afraid, allow yourself to grieve. I think what helps is allowing yourself to feel both ends of the spectrum. The joy of being pregnant again fills you with anticipation of the new life you will bring into this world. The pain of your miscarriage fills you with fear that it may not happen.

You're in a joyful place and a difficult one at the same time. That's very hard to "wrap your brain around."

There are comments on this site about women who have miscarried and become pregnant shortly afterwards. If you have the time, please read through them and know you are not alone in your fears.

Sometimes we become afraid of being happy after we've been hurt because we're afraid it'll be taken away from us and we don't want to live through the same pain and disappointment again. The trouble with this is that we prevent, (I'm talking about so many of us), ourselves from enjoying the happiness that is right there in front of us. Our fears, (thoughts), of what did happen and might happen again hold us back.

While the loss of your baby to miscarriage will never be forgotten or dismissmed, the baby you are carrying now is also loved very much by you. I gently suggest you try to focus on the happy outcome you want and try to visualize it happening. I think doing this will help you experience some joy right now- the joy you deserve and need.

If you find yourself unable to do this, maybe you could talk about it with your doctor. Perhaps some reassurance will help relieve some of your fear. I also ask that anyone reading this who has lived what Katherine has to please share your experience with her. Knowing there are people who truly know the road we're walking helps us to feel less alone, less afraid, and more hopeful.

So many things we think are in our control simply aren't. Often, we learn this through painful experiences- like your miscarriage. Again, I am so sorry. On the flip side, we often learn how much isn't in our control when joyful things happen- like your pregnancy right now. All we can do is have faith, take life one moment at a time, and do our best.

Your best is good enough- you are good enough- and I pray you'll have a beautiful experience with this pregnancy and deliver a healthy, happy baby.

I often listen to audio books or meditational CD's because they calm me in so many ways: mentally, physically and spiritually. They renew my mind, help my thinking, and give me new perspectives that I may have been too blinded by pain, confusion or grief to see. If you'd like to know what's helped me, just drop me a line & I'd be happy to share some books & CD's that have really made a difference. Even some inspirational movies.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and Comfort to you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Comment About Miscarriage. Do You Relate?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 12/19/21

A comment from a reader in the past. I wanted to share it because I think many of us relate to her feelings:

B Says:

Saturday I bought a baby book.

By Monday (Sept. 8th) my baby was gone at 3 and 1/2 months along.

I had the D and C on Tuesday.

Waking up from it I cried and repeatedly said 'my baby's gone."

Feeling numb,shocked,lonely,empty,misunderstood, confused.

All the questions:

When does this get better?

When, IF,I get pregnant again,how on earth will I be able to hold that new baby, without remembering this one?

How bad will it hurt emotionally?

What if I miscarry again??

Was my baby a boy or girl?

What was wrong?

I know that God is rejoicing that a new angel has come home. But it doesn't take away the pain of missing that angel here on earth.

Ellen says:

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your loss, and you're right...even though we believe our baby is in Heaven with God, it doesn't take away from our pain. We are left here on earth feeling terribly empty and often alone.

Sadly, I can't take away your pain, but certainly understand and feel it. I know how it reaches right into your core and seems to consume every waking moment.

Grieving the loss of your baby after miscarriage is a very difficult journey, as you know. The one thing I can do for you is BE here. I am here to listen, to share my thoughts with you, and to try and offer some sort of comfort-even if it's just hearing you and validating your grief.

The questions you ask are ones I asked myself. All the why's, what ifs and so on go through your mind like a CD that keeps repeating. In many ways, the answers remain a mystery...it's the healing and coping we can work on-day by day, step by step.

Fear of pregnancy after a miscarriage is something that, to me, is perfectly valid. Not that it makes things any easier, but you are not alone in the plight. Many women fear pregnancy again because who'd want to live through the pain of miscarriage again?

That's where healing comes into play. You really need to give yourself the time and space you need to FEEL what you must. It's no easy task and often you'll find yourself in tears. However, I believe your tears make room for something better to come along in your life. In order to heal, we have to feel. Coming here and putting your emotions out there was a big step in your healing. You've shared a part of you that hurt to share, and we all 'get it' and support you.

While there may never be a 'concrete' answer to whether or not your baby was a boy or girl, I gently suggest you go with your gut instinct if you feel the need to know. Trust your feelings on this one and if you want to name your baby, please do so. Sometimes, holding a memorial service, (I had one for my son this year-seventeen years after I miscarried), and it brought me closure I never had. I set a balloon with a 'kiss mark' from my lipstick on it into the air and watched as it soared into the sky. I felt connected to my baby and knew we'd always share in the connection of our spirits-or love.

While I can't say how long it will take you to heal, I can say you will. You won't forget, nor are you expected to. If you have supportive people around you, please don't hesitate to accept their help and support if you find it brings you comfort. You deserve to be comforted-just as you would while grieving any loss.

For so long people have 'swept miscarriage and its fallout' under the rug, and that is changing. We are real people who have suffered a real loss and it left us feeling like the rug had been ripped out from under our feet. Awareness to your loss, the losses of all those here and all over the world, needs to be recognized for what it really is-the loss of a baby never held, but always loved.

I found that prayer, tapping into my spirituality, exercising, guided meditations on CD's, talking it out, finding something creative to do, etc., helped me with my pain. It balanced out the scales so that there was some positive energy in my life. I didn't do most of these things right away because I felt so lost. But, over time, I took on more things and dove into the healing process-feeling completely blindfolded because there wasn't much out there in terms of support after miscarriage.

Know that you are always welcome here and can 'vent' anytime. You are heard. Your feelings matter, and again, I am SO sorry for your loss.

Love, Light and Healing to you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/19/21

Dear Ellen,

I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.

I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.

My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.

I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.

Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.

E

Dear E,

I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)

As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.

Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.

The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.

You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.

Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know exactly what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.

In being 'just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.

You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around. I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.

So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.

I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.

Love, Light and much Healing to you.

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Miscarriage Help: A Personal Update

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/26/21

Hello Everyone,

I know I've been neglecting this site and want to apologize. Never do I stop thinking about the pain you've all gone through. Even if it's not at the top of my mind, it's there and you're in my prayers.

If you've lived through miscarriage, stillbirth, baby loss of any kind, you know how your world gets turned on its side. I feel for you and your pain. I lived it many years ago and that's the whole reason this site, my book, all of it, began. I needed a way to cope and over time I began reaching out to others in hopes of starting a sort of bond between us. A community of women and their families who'd lived through the pain of miscarriage/baby loss and helped each other- because they understood each other.

That desire to reach out hasn't gone away, although to some it may seem like I've fallen of the face of the earth. My posts haven't been as frequent and I feel bad about that. I always felt good about keeping up with them...staying connected to you.

Covid has changed all our lives in so many ways. Some of you know I'm a private piano teacher. Most of my students are children. During the pandemic, I tried to keep a closed studio open for over a year and a half and I did it. I kept the rent up on a space I couldn't use because I had great hopes of returning. In the meantime, I trained myself to become an online teacher in order to keep my business going. There were some glitches to work out and still are, but it's going well.

At various times I think we've all felt like we've rounded some sort of corner with this terrible virus - only to have that corner disappear or change. We've been dealing with such an unknown. But, there's HOPE and I do see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I also want you to know that I pray for every, single person who has lost someone to Covid, has suffered with having the virus and has been impacted in any way. I guess that's the whole world.

At the beginning of this year, my fiance had surgery and pulled through. Then things took a turn. I don't want to say much more because I respect his privacy. It's his story, not mine. Thanks to God he's a strong man! He's been blessed with healing and a determination unlike anything I've seen in anyone. We've been together almost 27 years and experienced many ups and downs. We've built a life together.

It became clear to me that it made no sense to keep paying rent on a studio I wouldn't be able to use for the unforeseeable future, so I made the painful decision to give up my physical location and become a full time, virtual piano teacher. I was blessed to have worked with an amazing voice teacher who made my location her own music school. New name and all. She's got an in-person teaching business and I've got my virtual one. My pianos got loving homes with her and I know she'll be successful. I am blessed in that I get to do what I love from home and be here where I am needed. I guess I've made, (or at least I'm trying!) to make lemonade out of lemons.

The dust has settled as we've settled into what's our "new normal". That changes every day because life and healing change every day. I'm finding my groove again and that includes reaching to you and letting you know I CARE. I want you to know you're not alone and I get what you're going through if you've miscarried. I know the grief, emptiness, pain, anger, self blame, anguish - all of it. I know my faith carried me through some of the darkest days of my life and continues to do so. My faith in God also brings such joy, strength and comfort to my life, and I want to share that with you, too, regardless of what your personal beliefs are. I respect you and your beliefs.

Our common thread is that we are women who have lived through miscarriage and other struggles and have survived. Although nothing takes away from the pain of losing a precious baby and all the questions that go along with it, we have each other to lean on. I want you to know I'm still here to listen and care so deeply about you. I recognize your pain, know it's real and send you my love and prayers.

Thank you for listening to me and I'm here to do the same. If you ever want to share your feelings here, feel free. Just comment on this blog and if you want, I'll post your comment so others can respond and reach out. That's support. That's the kind of connection I feel we need. The kind of awareness the world needs to miscarriage and the fallout your left living with.

Love and Light to each one of you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Wave of Light, October 15th, 2021

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/15/21

Thinking of my sweet baby in Heaven and all of you and yours. May the wings of angels wrap you in loving comfort today and always. #waveoflight #waveoflight2021 #miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #lightingmycandle

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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