MiscarriageHelp.com
Repost #Grief, like an invisible illness.
by Ellen M. DuBois on 09/06/20
I felt this way whenever I've grieved. After my miscarriage, the loss of my grandparents, and most recently the loss of my mother, (5 years but it feels like yesterday sometimes). My heart and prayers go out to all who are grieving. I am so sorry for your loss. Love and light, Ellen
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ell[email protected]
My Miscarriage Story. Excerpt from I Never Held You
by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/28/20
Although this happened over twenty-five years ago, I remember it like it was yesterday. From the time I miscarried, I changed. Life changed. As with any loss, the effect on you is profound and the path your feet walked changes in the blink of an eye.
Here is my story taken from the pages of my book, I Never Held You. It's probably one many of you can relate to. My heart goes out to all who have experienced a miscarriage and please know you are not alone.
When I was four and a half months pregnant, I was filled with feelings of excitement, joy, fear, and wonder. I had been married about a year and a half, and although it was an unplanned pregnancy, an immediate bond formed between my unborn and I. There were days when I would rest my hand on my slightly swollen stomach and smile, thinking of the life inside me. No, we didn't plan this baby, but I was going to give it all the love in the world and then some.
Nothing else mattered. I knew we'd manage.
One day, while my husband, (at the time), was away on business, I noticed a small amount of blood on some toilet paper.Instinct kicked in and said, "This isn't right. Call your doctor." There was no pain, no large amounts of blood-but the feeling that something was wrong was unshakable.
My sister and I ended up at the hospital where they performed an ultrasound. I stared at the monitor while the doctor pointed at an image that I could barely see through my tears. His words will forever ring in my ears: "The fetus is no longer viable." Viable? What did that mean? I could tell by the look on the doctor's face that it wasn't good.
"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.
"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced. Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me. The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."
For me? What about my baby? God...stop calling it 'a fetus'! I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.
But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.
I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.
When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.
The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.
Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill,I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.
"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said. Try again? Let me get over this!
That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day.
The child that was never to be.
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Fear Vs. Faith- An Excerpt from My Book
by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/25/20
"During periods of great loss, it's only natural to question your faith. I did. So many of us wonder how God could 'let this happen'- be it your miscarriage or any other personal or global tragedy. If your faith is being tested right now, as mine was, you may want to read on. People tend to blame God when things go wrong. I know I did-and it was tough for me to admit. I knew better; yet, something inside of me was holding onto the thought that God could have prevented my miscarriage. It was only after a great deal of time passed that I realized there's a reason for everything, even things that hurt deeply. I don't blame God for my miscarriage. I know there were reasons, unknown to me, for it. While I was in my blaming mode, I was full of fear. When I learned to trust in God, my fear was transformed into faith. That doesn't mean the pain went away. It means by having faith instead of fear, the pain of my miscarriage was lessened because I knew my baby was in heaven, and I needed to lean on Him to get through the very tough times and beyond. My fear also led to an inability to relax (and still does when I let it take over faith's place). Fear is natural; it's what you do with it that will determine how well you fare during any time of crisis in your life. Not only times of crisis, but everyday living, too. I wish you more faith than fear."
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Miscarriage Quotes by Ellen M. DuBois, May 23th, 2020
by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/23/20
When a friend needs you after she's miscarried, don't try to figure the "how" of it all- she'll let you know. Sometimes, it's simply the comfort of knowing you're with her. What matters is that you're there.- Ellen M. DuBois
All we want to do is help a friend who's miscarried. What to say? Should you bring them something, send a card, ask how they're feeling?
Acknowleding what she's been through, letting her know you're sorry for her loss and being there are so important. She may not want to talk about it. Perhaps sitting in comfortable silence while she rests is exactly what she needs. Maybe she will want to talk, and you're there for her. Listening is such a gift to offer someone who needs to be heard. Support comes in many forms. Being there, whether in person (if possible) or touching base via text, phone, etc., is the greatest, most valuable way to show you care.
To all who have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish you love, peace, support and healing.
Ellen
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
Miscarriage Quotes by Ellen M. DuBois, May 17th, 2020
by Ellen M. DuBois on 05/17/20
These quotes are part of a new book I'm working on to help support women and their families who have suffered the pain, grief and isolation after miscarriage.
After years of writing various quotes to help my visitors navigate the waters after miscarriage, I've decided to put them into a helpful, relatable book. It's not complete and I'll let you know when it's available. The point is, when you read a quote you can relate to, you feel less alone. Support after miscarriage is so important, as is awareness and connection with others. My hope is when you read these quotes, you'll feel like "I get that." I want you to feel less alone.
It's a road none of us want to walk, but it's easier when we've got each other.
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]
