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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com ​

My name is Ellen DuBois and I've been hosting this site since about 2009. I miscarried many years ago when I was 25 and it really turned my life upside down. I remember going into bookstores to find something that spoke to the grief and pain I was feeling. Typically I walked out empty handed and on the verge of tears. Every book I saw was about having a baby...not losing one. ​

It was sad, lonely and very isolating. And remember, there was no Internet to go to. If you wanted to find a support group, you had to ask around. ​

Why didn't my doctor talk to me more about it? Why was my baby called a "fetus" and not "viable"? Why did this happen to me and why couldn't I find any kind of support? My mind was full of "whys, what ifs and could have beens". For anyone who has lived through miscarriage, I think you know what I mean. ​

All these years later I'm still advocating for women who have miscarried. I want people to better understand what a woman who has miscarried is going through. How? By posting in my blog, sharing articles from "Miscarriage Help", a free newsletter I curate and by listening to you. ​

I know nothing will change what happened to us. But, it is one of my greatest hopes that the medical community and society will treat miscarriage as the real loss it is. ​

May God and the angels comfort you. May you be given the strength you need. I pray you feel compassion, connection and empathy from those who have walked the same path. ​

Love and Light, ​

Ellen

I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.Companion miscarriage support site at miscarriagehelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: I'm having a difficult time moving forward.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/07/22

Dear Ellen,


It will be four years this July since I miscarried. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was alone and scared. I made a call to my doctor's office when I saw blood on the toilet paper while at a family cookout.

My husband was away on business. I didn't even have the chance to tell him we lost the baby right away because his cell phone wasn't working. 

I got home that night after leaving him countless messages to please call me. My sister stayed with me through it all.

There are lots of details I'm leaving out, but the bottom line is I'm having such a difficult time moving forward from this. Some days it feels like it just happened. I can barely breathe. I know it's been four years, but the pain is there every single day and I feel like it's eating me up. My husband and I talk about it but honestly, I don't feel it does any good. I'm glad we can talk, but do I feel better? No. I think it's because it doesn't change anything. Nothing will bring my baby back and we've had a very difficult time getting pregnant again. 

I'm rambling, lost, found your site and felt like spilling here. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Dianne
Hello. This is Ellen, host of this site. I've shared this email from Dianne after she told me it was fine to do so. I'll get back with a response and post it. I wanted to share it now so any of you who are feeling the same way realize you are not alone. I remember what it was like four years after my miscarriage. There were times the wound felt so raw. Sending you all love and light and I'm so sorry for your loss. Ellen #miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

 

 

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

Miscarriage Book Offers Support

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/28/22

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery Linda R. Backman Ed.D Author

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery Linda R. Backman Ed.D Author I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.- Ellen M. DuBois

 

I Never Held You is available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

 

 

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

To The Baby I Miscarried: My Love Is With You Always

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/23/22



Sometimes my own miscarriage seems like a lifetime ago. Other times the pain is so raw. I think that's the nature of loss - of grief. Something triggers a memory, a feeling, and it all comes rushing back.


I miscarried 30 years ago. It's hard to imagine it's been that long, but it has. Three decades of living and all that goes with life. I've laughed, cried, survived the loss of my mother and more. Like all of us, life is full of ups and downs. It's the light and darkness we all experience that make up our journey. 

But, I get what it's like to wonder, even after three decades, how life would have been if my much loved baby had survived. My stomach flips when I think about him - even as I'm typing these words. I believe it's the love that connects us and always will. My soul knows my baby is on the other side and we are joined by a Divine thread that bridges Heaven and earth.

As I have lived, my soul has grown. I see life as a spiritual journey with so many lessons to be learned along the way. And, while I have grown through the mere act of living, missing the child I carried in my womb for about four months has remained constant. 

To those of you who think about the precious baby you lost years, even decades ago, I want you to know you're not alone. I don't believe it's "crazy' or something you should "forget" or "get over". These catch phrases hurt and have no place in the life of any of us. They serve no purpose. Just be yourself and feel what you do. To me, it's part of the journey and remembering, the very definition of love.

 

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

 

 

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

#Repost To The Woman Who #Miscarried A Long Time Ago

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/14/22



I am so sorry for your loss. Some of you may not have heard those words. Years ago they didn't talk about miscarriage...it was kind of swept under the rug and life, your life, was expected to go on as normal. I know that's the furthest thing from the truth. I know because I lived it and I still think about the baby I loved and lost.  I still miss him and he'd be an adult now. All grown up. Maybe he'd have his own family. 

Perhaps you, like me, have spent years, actually a couple of decades, wondering what your baby would have been like. I've missed all those first moments with him and feel somewhat cheated of a life with him. Not all the time. The wound isn't as raw as it used to be. However, there are times I wish I lived the other life, the one where I watched my baby grow up. It will always sadden me that I didn't see those first steps, that first tooth growing in, hear his first word, see the first beautiful smile. All of it.  

I used to be somewhat reluctant to say these things because I thought it best I didn't.  I didn't want people to think I was "brooding" or stuck in the past. Then I realized these were my feelings and I had every right to feel them. My loss, my grief, my way of feeling. Holding it in doesn't do any good. I'm being real, true to myself and to you. This is what's in my heart. 

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life today. That's not it. I count my blessings and know for whatever reason, this was the path my life was supposed to take. I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment. 

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes wander into the world of "what could have been." After all, I didn't lose a car. I lost a baby. My life was proundly changed and I'd be willing to bet yours was, too.

So, if you have missed your baby for years and sometimes drift into the world of "what ifs and could have beens", you aren't alone.  I get it and we can take comfort in knowing we have walked this path together for quite some time.

Wishing you health, love and light.

 

 

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures. 

Miscarriage: "I feel like I've gone through hell!"

by Ellen M. DuBois on 02/02/22



Hi Ellen,

I just found your site and realized by reading the comments that what I am going through is probably normal. I was worried that I was going through a breakdown, not sure why, but reading the comments in your site made me realize what was wrong. I am 44 years old and didn't get married until I was 42. After fertility treatments, I got pregnant last November and miscarried 8 weeks later. We had heard the heartbeat and then went the next week and there was no heartbeat. It was devastating, but after two rounds of IVF i got pregnant again this past August and the miscarried after 9 weeks. This time, everything started out fine but then something went wrong and it was 9 long weeks of waiting until i miscarried. I felt like I have had been through hell!! It seems like no one knows what to say to me and it seems like people don't undertand the devastating affects of miscarriages. My baby would have been born on March 21 and I think this is why I am going through a lot of depression and anxiety right now. Too make matters worse, since I am 44, not sure how I want to proceed either with donor egg or adoption. I feel stuck and like I am losing my mind. I don't understand why people are more sympathetic to people who go through breakups, then people who have miscarriages. I feel for both. Anyway, it was nice to see your site and read others who feel the same way. Thank you for all of us!!

Dear B,

I am so sorry for your losses and can relate to your feelings on many levels.

You brought about a very good point and I agree with it: people treat those who have had break-ups with more compassion and understanding than those who have miscarried. I, too, feel for both...

Why is it this way?

I think it's because a break-up is so obviously sad. There's usually someone on the other side to blame, try to figure out, feel sad over losing, etc. Friends can talk to each other about breakups, visualizing the other person. They're here- walking the face of the earth.

On the other hand, when we lose our babies to miscarriage, there's no physical memory of the baby. This is very sad because there IS so much love tied to the baby. But, many people can't wrap their brains around it. They often don't know what to say because there wasn't a baby held, seen. Oh, but you and I know there was a baby loved.

Many feel talking about a breakup, loss of a job, loss of a parent or other loved one, to be somewhat easier because although there is pain involved, they've got something or someone 'tangible' to talk about.

What of our babies? Were they not real? Were they not loved? Didn't we have wishes, hopes, plans and dreams for our babies? Were they not within us, warm in our womb?

To anyone who's lived through miscarriage- they get your pain. I get your pain. I know that ache and the emptiness you feel. You are healing two losses and the possiblity that you'll not get pregnant again. You may also be afraid of pregnancy because of facing another miscarriage.

I'm the same age as you. I miscarried once a long time ago. I've always wanted to adopt - and that's me. It's a very personal choice. I could try to get pregnant, but I have the same fears you do. It's confusing. What gets me through is faith that the right thing will happen at the right time and I will someday, (hopefully sooner than later), be called "Mommy". My wish is the same for you, no matter what path you decided to take. You will know it in your heart. You will feel it in your soul. You will live it- with faith in whatever name you give a power greater than yourself. I happen to call that power God.

So now the healing begins, or in your case has been an ongoing experience. You certainly are not alone in the way you feel and I am glad you found this site. Of course I wish you never had to, but when you feel like you're losing, and boy I did for a long time, it's comforting to find others who feel the same. None of us wanted to live through such a painful experience as miscarriage. It cuts so deep. But, we do find comfort through each other. Our sadly common experience joins us in a way- a spiritual way, if you will. It's like a light switch went on and we finally can say, "Somebody gets it. Someone gets me and I'm not going nuts for feeling like I do. There are others who feel like they're flipping out, having anxiety attacks, crying at the drop of a hat. I am not....alone."

You are not alone. None of us are, but until we know that, miscarriage and the aftermath can leave us feeling like we're standing on an island of one.

Please know we're all with you on that island and together we heal, grow, learn, cope, and yes, find ourselves with feet planted firmly on the ground again.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please keep the faith and when you feel like you're running low, I'm always here.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

 

 

About me:  My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.