MiscarriageHelp.com

Still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 11/19/21

Dear Ellen,

I have come back to leave you another note. I read your post today, when I was feeling alone and felt like no-one really understands me and how I feel about losing my child. I know you do - I wish you and others here had not experience the pain of losing a child to miscarriage.

I wish I could say that I was feeling better, but in actual fact I feel like the loss and pain is getting worse. It seems that as the date of my expected delivery draws closer, I am feeling the loss of Addey all the more. I also had recent surgery to remove a Teratoma from my ovary, which made me think of Addey all the more and the loss I was feeling. He was meant to be there growing - I am not meant to be nursing a painful stomach - I am meant to be carrying a child, my child, my boy. He was a boy as we found out that he had too many Y chromosomes. Some people have said there should be some comfort in knowing that he was not perfect and not meant to be - I have not experienced any comfort knowing this.

I still find it hard to believe and come to terms that I will not see my baby. He will not be born in 14 weeks. I will not get to hold him, kiss him, love him.

My heart is being ripped apart here and I want it to go away. I had been seeing a psychologist prior to my miscarriage about an unrelated matter. I have tried to talk about it - but nothing I say seems adequate enough to convey the pain I feel. If I was to walk in his room collapse on the floor with tears in my eyes then he would see how I feel. I feel nothing I say can convey how I truly feel.

I have been having a few bad days and wanted to write it out.

Thanks Ellen for this site, and for sharing your own experience with us. It does help to know we are not alone.

E

Dear E,

I am so sorry. You're going through a very bumpy time right now, and I know it feel like your heart's been torn up. Your emotions must be all over the place, and I realize your recent surgery brought up even more feelings about your precious Addey. (When I went to my niece's ultrasound many years after I miscarried, I was full of fear. The last ultrasound I'd been to was my own, and you know how that turned out. I went, and was happy I did because I made it through and now have memories of a beautiful baby who was healthy, and I was very happy for my niece.)

As what would have been your due date approaches, I understand the pain of losing your baby is magnified. Mine was around this time of year, still is, (even after all these years), and I truly get how you're feeling. My son Alex would have been celebrating his eighteenth birthday right around now- a Thanksgiving baby.

Grief is a very difficult thing to 'wrap your brain around'. On top of grieving, you're feeling all the dreams you had for your son come crashing down around you- all over again. Actually, it never stopped. Grief is a path in life none of us want to walk. When you're feeling isolated, it can be worse.

The pain you're living will subside and I'm acutely aware this sounds so distant, if not impossible, right now. Also, it doesn't take away from the day to day experiences you're having which are making you so sad. However, there is hope and when you're ready, the hope inside of you will come to the surface. It will give you the strength you need. Right now it sounds like a time of feeling- and nobody wants to feel the depth of pain you're experiencing. My heart goes out to you. I know what it's like to wake up and wish I were living a dream- somebody else's life. Then, you realize it's your life and all the emotions rise to the surface. When that happens, they come out in the form of tears.

You're walking a road to healing, even if it doesn't feel like it. It's the part that cuts to your core and causes those tears to fall. Tears I wish I could help wipe away, but they fall because you have to let them out. Missing your baby, your pregnancy, the world you envisioned with your child, is certainly cause for your tears.

Perhaps the psychologist you've been talking to about another matter needs to know exactly what you're living right now in order to be a better listener. Your grief mustn't be dismissed. When that happens, you end up feeling more alone and often worse. If you are able to express everything to your psychologist, you may feel better by having your grief acknowledged and just being HEARD. Maybe you'll be gently guided, too. Nobody can give you the answers or take away your pain, but people can help you as you heal. That's what I try to do and I'm just 'me'.

In being 'just me', I understand you and I think all of us who have live through miscarriage, and sadly many have lived through more than one, DO understand you and we all don't have degrees on our wall. Our 'degree' consists of life experience- and that goes a long way in terms of support.

You're approaching your baby's due date and the holidays are upon us. You've just had surgery and that's another trauma to your mind, body and spirit. For now, would you feel comfortable placing the focus of your visits to your doctor on your miscarriage, your grief and everything you're living? I think an unbiased listener like your doctor could help hold your hand as you traverse this rocky road. Please try to open up a bit more to him- if you're comfortable with it. I've cried many tears in front of a psychologist- and you know what? That's what conveyed my level of pain. That's what brought out the raw, gut wrenching emotions I was carrying around. I wasn't even seeing her about my miscarriage- it was about my divorce. But, my miscarriage came to the surface of my mind and I couldn't stand the pain I was in.

So...I talked to her. She listened. It helped.

I'm here, listening and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please come back and let me know how you're doing. If you need to print out your writings here and bring them to your doctor, please, do it. Sometimes, we experience a loss for words when the moment to talk arrives. That's because it's such an emotional topic and time for you. Just a suggestion....You'll know what feels right to you.

Love, Light and much Healing to you.

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

Miscarriage Help: A Personal Update

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/26/21

Hello Everyone,

I know I've been neglecting this site and want to apologize. Never do I stop thinking about the pain you've all gone through. Even if it's not at the top of my mind, it's there and you're in my prayers.

If you've lived through miscarriage, stillbirth, baby loss of any kind, you know how your world gets turned on its side. I feel for you and your pain. I lived it many years ago and that's the whole reason this site, my book, all of it, began. I needed a way to cope and over time I began reaching out to others in hopes of starting a sort of bond between us. A community of women and their families who'd lived through the pain of miscarriage/baby loss and helped each other- because they understood each other.

That desire to reach out hasn't gone away, although to some it may seem like I've fallen of the face of the earth. My posts haven't been as frequent and I feel bad about that. I always felt good about keeping up with them...staying connected to you.

Covid has changed all our lives in so many ways. Some of you know I'm a private piano teacher. Most of my students are children. During the pandemic, I tried to keep a closed studio open for over a year and a half and I did it. I kept the rent up on a space I couldn't use because I had great hopes of returning. In the meantime, I trained myself to become an online teacher in order to keep my business going. There were some glitches to work out and still are, but it's going well.

At various times I think we've all felt like we've rounded some sort of corner with this terrible virus - only to have that corner disappear or change. We've been dealing with such an unknown. But, there's HOPE and I do see some sort of light at the end of the tunnel. I also want you to know that I pray for every, single person who has lost someone to Covid, has suffered with having the virus and has been impacted in any way. I guess that's the whole world.

At the beginning of this year, my fiance had surgery and pulled through. Then things took a turn. I don't want to say much more because I respect his privacy. It's his story, not mine. Thanks to God he's a strong man! He's been blessed with healing and a determination unlike anything I've seen in anyone. We've been together almost 27 years and experienced many ups and downs. We've built a life together.

It became clear to me that it made no sense to keep paying rent on a studio I wouldn't be able to use for the unforeseeable future, so I made the painful decision to give up my physical location and become a full time, virtual piano teacher. I was blessed to have worked with an amazing voice teacher who made my location her own music school. New name and all. She's got an in-person teaching business and I've got my virtual one. My pianos got loving homes with her and I know she'll be successful. I am blessed in that I get to do what I love from home and be here where I am needed. I guess I've made, (or at least I'm trying!) to make lemonade out of lemons.

The dust has settled as we've settled into what's our "new normal". That changes every day because life and healing change every day. I'm finding my groove again and that includes reaching to you and letting you know I CARE. I want you to know you're not alone and I get what you're going through if you've miscarried. I know the grief, emptiness, pain, anger, self blame, anguish - all of it. I know my faith carried me through some of the darkest days of my life and continues to do so. My faith in God also brings such joy, strength and comfort to my life, and I want to share that with you, too, regardless of what your personal beliefs are. I respect you and your beliefs.

Our common thread is that we are women who have lived through miscarriage and other struggles and have survived. Although nothing takes away from the pain of losing a precious baby and all the questions that go along with it, we have each other to lean on. I want you to know I'm still here to listen and care so deeply about you. I recognize your pain, know it's real and send you my love and prayers.

Thank you for listening to me and I'm here to do the same. If you ever want to share your feelings here, feel free. Just comment on this blog and if you want, I'll post your comment so others can respond and reach out. That's support. That's the kind of connection I feel we need. The kind of awareness the world needs to miscarriage and the fallout your left living with.

Love and Light to each one of you,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

Wave of Light, October 15th, 2021

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/15/21

Thinking of my sweet baby in Heaven and all of you and yours. May the wings of angels wrap you in loving comfort today and always. #waveoflight #waveoflight2021 #miscarriage #babyloss #october #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #theroad #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #lightingmycandle

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

2 Samuel 22:29 The Lamp That Shines

by Ellen M. DuBois on 10/05/21

This post is from my author site. I wanted to share it here because I think some of you may find comfort from it.)

2 Samuel 22:29 The Lamp That Shines

(Photo: A Hint Of Fall, Ellen M. DuBois)

Much like myself, my blog is changing. Every day brings with it new things, challenges, blessings. The seasons change, what we learn about Covid changes, what we learn about ourselves changes, too.

The picture above was taken on Monday, October 4th, in the morning. There are days I just grab my camera to see what I can find. Maybe I'll spot a beautiful or cute animal in the back yard. Maybe I'll spot a cardinal at the feeder. Perhaps I'll finally get a picture of the owl that's proven to be so elusive.

Regardless, I always find something in nature that captures my eye, even if it's not what I'm hoping to find.

That's change and life is full of it. There are times when the changes scare me and I don't know what to do with all the emotional "junk" inside of me. It's fear, really. Sometimes I call it anxiety or overload, but the root is fear and the remedy is God.

As I bounce all around in this post, I'm still very compelled to keep writing and press on. This morning I read this quote from scripture: "Indeed you are my lamp, O Lord, the Lord lightens my darkness."- 2 Samuel 22:29

Prior to reading it, I was asking God to remind me throughout the day that Jesus is always present. No matter what happens, I asked to be reminded that He's with me and I'm not alone. Jesus is the light to my darkness and if I can remember that, I'll fare much better. I have felt the strength God gives me in the darkest of times and I know it's not a "one and done" occurrence.

The lamp is always there to light the way. When my mind takes over, (or my ego), I just need to remember to ask Jesus to shine that lamp and everything will be okay. Fear will be relinquished. Anxiety will dissipate. Feeling like I'm alone will revert back to being an illusion. I'm not alone and neither is anyone else.

Circling back, I took the picture in this post on Monday and had no idea it would turn out as beautiful as it did. The leaves look like the tips have been dipped in God's magnificent shade of red. There is a hint of fall beginning to take place on a Divine canvas. I find great joy in that and it serves as a reminder that God's light comes through is many places. Trees, flowers, colors, sunrises, twilight, in ourselves and in each other.

May you be reminded by whatever speaks to your soul that you are never alone and the lamp is yours for the taking. All you have to do is ask.

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

Comments (0)

#Repost Hopes, Plans, Wishes and Dreams #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen M. DuBois on 08/16/21

Those didn't go away when you did...

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

My book, I Never Held You, is mentioned in this column. More importantly, it addresses how difficult anniversary dates can be:

Ask Amy: Anniversary of #miscarriage brings on grief #miscarriageadvice #miscarriagesupport #miscarriagebook Click here to read.

Comments (0)