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#repost A Letter to My Baby in Heaven #miscarriage #miscarriagebook

by Ellen DuBois on 11/12/18



Dear Baby of Mine,


I think about you so often. I decided to write you a letter. Something tells me you already know what I'm writing to you.

I loved you since the moment I knew you. I never felt a love so strong or so deep. It's unlike any other kind of love I experienced.

Knowing you were growing inside of me made me feel a connection to you that words can't describe. I remember patting my belly gently, talking to you and sometimes, I'd smile just knowing you were there, safe and sound.

I had so many wishes, hopes and dreams for you. I was so excited to see you for the very first time and hold you in my arms.

Well, one day, all of that went away. You had to go back to Heaven and I bet it's because you were too good for this earth. I've heard that expression before and something tells me it's true. I've also heard about soul lessons, and I think you came into my life to teach me about mine.

I'll never know what God's full plan is for me, but I know you coming into my life was part of it. I also know you leaving was another part of it...but, it hurt unlike anything I've felt or ever will. 

You taught me so much, like how much stronger I was than I thought. You taught me that love transcends everything, even death. You taught me how precious life is and to treasure every moment because it can change in an instant. You taught me that even though we are not together here, we are always connected- it's REAL. You taught me that my feelings should be expressed, not held in. You taught me that tears help to heal wounds and holding them in isn't good for me. You taught me how to take my pain and turn it around to help others. You taught me that everything is not in my control and how important it is to have faith in God for support. There were times I didn't know how I'd get through the day, and faith carried me. God carried me. The angels helped me and I bet you did, too.

I pictured Jesus holding you in his arms so many times. That comforted me while my arms ached to hold you.

I know it's been a long time since I lost you, but I have never, ever stopped loving you. 

You taught me that whether in Heaven or on earth, I will always be your mother.

Thank you for teaching me so many things and for every other way you touched my life and heart. 

I Will Love You Forever,

Mom


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Things That Help When You're Overwhelmed #Miscarriage #remembering #overwhelmed

by Ellen DuBois on 11/03/18



November has always been a bittersweet month for me. There's so much going that I enjoy. Thanksgiving is coming up. Fall is here and I love the fall. The air is cool and crisp, pumpkins and fall flowers decorate doorsteps. I love the smell of apples, homemade soups. All of it.


Except this: My baby would be been born in November. I remember the doctor telling my husband (at the time) and me we'd have a "Thanksgiving baby". 

I never saw or held my Thanksgiving baby because I found out I lost him at 16 weeks. 

My emotions are running so high right now. I know it's been over 25 years since I lost my baby boy named Alex. But, every Thanksgiving I think of him. I remember the day the doctor said  "the fetus is no longer viable".  I was so detached. I felt like I was living someone else's life and that went on for a long time. I said goodbye to my baby and to all the wishes, hopes, plans and dreams I had for him. Even now, all these years later- all this life lived later- my eyes feel the familiar sting of tears when I remember that terrible time.

I remember in November, and I'm feeling overwhelmed, too. There's so much going on and my emotions are heightened. I think that's normal for many of us. I do my best to keep things in perspective. Faith and prayer are my anchors. My family, is, too. My friends are like lights in the dark. 

Ever have one of those days when simply hearing your friend's voice calms you down? 

My fiance has been in pain for months. He'll be okay, but feeling helpless isn't something I do well with. Who does? I have to come up with a new business plan, which around Christmas, is almost too much to wrap my brain around. My mother passed away three-plus years ago and that always weighs heavily on my family- Dad, two sisters, grandchildren. Especially around the holidays.

If it sounds like I'm complaining I guess I am. I'm venting.  If you're feeling overwhelmed right now, if you're missing your baby and embracing the holidays scares the crap out of you because your emotions are extra sensitive, you are not alone. Maybe you need to vent, too. That's okay.

You may have a lot on your plate, or not. It doesn't matter. Once we enter this time of year many of us find emotions coming to the surface at rapid speed, from out of the blue and it makes you feel vulnerable- like you're teetering on some kind of "fine line". I know you're doing everything you can to keep your balance. If you need a little help, I'm going to share what works for me.

1. Without sounding too "preachy",  I find starting my day with prayer, a show of gratitude, helps. Even when the scales seem tipped way to far in the negative direction, counting my blessings really helps to tip things in my favor. Like the late Dr. Wayne Dyer said, "Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change." 

I know that doesn't take away all the pain you've lived. But, it helps get you through some tough times. The positive, (it's there, even when it's hard to find), tips your scale into a more balanced position. Example: health, a roof over your head, food to eat, a job, friends, family, a pet that loves you unconditionally. I know when I bring these blessings to the front of my mind it shifts my thinking. I feel lighter. I feel HOPE. 

2. Take some time to just "be". While being alone may not be the right thing for you, sometimes it is. There are times when I welcome being in my car because I'm alone. I don't turn on the radio because I want the quiet to surround me. It's like I'm in my own little "bubble" for a while. It calms me down.

3. Slowing down my pace and being aware of it gives me a sense of control and calm. I make myself walk slower in the grocery store. It's a conscious effort and I figure if I have to grocery shop, (or whatever),  I might as well take the hurried madness out of it and just chill out while doing it. It helps me. Maybe it'll help you.

4. Know you're not alone. We are all living a story. Sometimes, it's filled with joy and other times sadness. There are days we feel like we've got it together and there are others we really struggle to get through. No matter what, you are not alone and tomorrow is a brand new day. Do your best. It's okay to feel sad or down...we are human. We all remember and experience very trying, often  overwhelming times. 

5. Know you are loved by those around you and by your little one in Heaven. 

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Acknowledgments and a Note from Ellen #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #PAILRD

by Ellen DuBois on 10/23/18



Because it's October, Miscarriage and Pregnancy Loss Awareness Month, I want to share parts of my book, I Never Held You, with you. It's a bittersweet month. We feel the sadness of losing our babies and the support of other across the globe. Although nothing can take away the pain, whether it's new or something you've lived with for a while, knowing there are others who have lived the same helps. I believe we draw strength from each other and thank God for it.


Here is an excerpt from my book and it's from my heart to yours. I am so sorry for your loss and I feel your pain. Love and Prayers to you, Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp.com and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery


Acknowledgments and a Note from Ellen

A special thank you to Dr. Linda Backman, who believed in me and this book enough to pour her heart and soul into it, often during a very busy schedule. My heartfelt thanks to Anna Pizzoferrato, who not only shares her expertise as a Reiki Master (in Part Two), but her painful recollection of living through not one, but five miscarriages. To Marnie Pehrson, published author and owner of SheLovesGod.com, for opening her heart and sharing her story and faith. To Mary Foster, my wonderful friend and confidant, whose story of miscarriage shows the devastating impact a complete lack of support after miscarriage causes. Having all suffered at least one miscarriage, we connected in a way that only women who have endured such a loss, ever could. A special thank you to my publisher, Sidney, who not only believed in this book when she published it as a small ebook over five years ago, but carried her belief in I Never Held You's message of hope and healing, catapulting it into the book you're reading now. She understood my vision of helping women worldwide who have suffered the pain and isolation of miscarriage, and has been the springboard to the next level.

I began this book as a way of reaching out to those who miscarried and didn't know where to turn or what to do with their feelings. Why? Because I was at a total loss when I miscarried and couldn't find anything that spoke directly to me and my loss. I needed something to make me say, "I feel exactly the same way. Finally, someone understands and can help. I am not alone." I wanted to provide, through this book, a means of connection between us. I believe that through connection comes the beginning of healing. Isolation only serves to make a person feel worse and less understood.

My journey first led me to Dr. Linda Backman. She is a licensed psychologist and specializes in grief counseling. What began as a collaborative writing project, soon turned into a deeper healing experience for myself. Through Linda's words and expertise, she showed me that life is a continual process of change, growth, and acceptance of yourself-no matter what point you're at in your life. I cannot thank Linda enough, and I know her words will leave an indelible mark within you.

As one who doesn't believe in coincidence, I know my journey 'led' me to Anna and Marnie, too. Their stories, combined with what went on to be lives that would heal and help many, needed to be told. In finding them, I discovered something about myself, perhaps all of us. Quite often, living through pain prepares us for something better down the road, although we can't see it during our experience. I didn't. I'd be willing to say the other women mentioned didn't. I've learned that within all of us lies an amazing ability to get through the adversities in life, and an ever-growing capacity to experience the joys as we heal and continue on our individual paths-wherever they may lead us. I speak to you as a woman who has lived what you have lived. I want you to feel like you're listening to a friend who not only knows of, but feels the pain and confusion in your heart and mind, and doesn't dismiss it.

Dr. Backman speaks to you not only as a professional, offering sound words of encouragement and advice, but also as woman who has lived what you have lived.

It is my sincerest hope that you, the woman who has miscarried, will somehow be led to this book. My wish is for the words on these pages to reach into your heart and soul, making you feel far less alone and far more understood. Most importantly, my greatest desire is of hope and healing for you.

There is life after miscarriage-a quality life-and Dr. Backman and I want to hold your hand and help lead you down the road to recovery. There is no greater step than that of the first.

The best to you on your journey, Ellen

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I Will Always Remember the Day There Was No Heartbeat #miscarriage #repost

by Ellen DuBois on 10/22/18



The leaves are turning. The colors are vibrant and beautiful. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love the sights, scents, (pumpkin, apples, fireplaces, mulled cider) and sounds, (hearing the marching band at night when I take the dog out), of fall.


Although it's my favorite time of years, I still think about the baby I miscarried 26 years ago at about 16 week pregnant.

When I first found out we were having a baby, I was filled with so many emotions. They were joyful and part of me knew it wasn't in the "plan" my husband at the time had. We'd been married for only two years and I knew he wanted to wait until things like finances, buying our first house, etc. were in order. 

But, life often doesn't go according to our  plan. I believe there's a much bigger one, the plan God has for us, happening in our lives.

I fell in love with my baby right away. I could feel the connection we had and every day it grew as my baby did. He was going to be born around Thanksgiving and I so looked forward to our first Thanksgiving as a family of three.

Like I said, life doesn't often go according to our plan and one day, while my husband was away on business, I noticed blood after going to the bathroom. I'd stopped at my parent's house to use their's. It was easy to do because I worked on the road in newspaper advertising sales.

My sister was home and she took me to the hospital.

That's the day I learned my precious baby died. There was no heartbeat.

They say time heals all wounds and I know that's mostly true. But, as I sit here typing this, my eyes are filling with tears. My stomach has that knotted up feeling and I remember how crushed and numb, (if that's possible), I felt when the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable."

I remember walking to my sister's car, head down, staring at the sun glaring off the pavement. I remember getting into her car and the drive back to my house. I remember feeling like I was living a nightmare, but I was awake. My baby was inside of my womb, no longer alive, and I was scheduled to have a D & C.

After my husband (again, at the time), got home, I told him. I could have called him in Arizona, but decided not to. He was coming home that night and why call and tell him over the phone when he was so far away?

I knew he felt sad, but I think it was more for me. He was not emotionally ready for a baby and I almost sensed his relief. That's not to say he was a bad person. He wasn't. But, we were certainly on different pages and I felt very alone.

My Thanksgiving baby was never to be.  (Crying now just reading those words.)

So, if you've miscarried and you find there's a time of year, an event or a day that's a trigger for you, please know you're not alone. Look at me. I'm writing about my miscarriage 26 years after the fact and I'm still so filled with emotion. It climbs to the surface of my mind and it's like I feel all of the pain and sadness over again- even if it's only for a little while.

I believe that's because I loved my baby so much and also because we are still connected. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I can tell you that I believe my child lives on in Heaven, another realm, and our love is very much alive. I believe he's with me in spirit and I often feel him around me, like I do right now.

I will always remember the day there was no heartbeat. 

I will also always feel a deep connection to my baby, who I named Alex. That will never die and someday, when it's my time to cross over, I believe we will be reunited.

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day

by Ellen DuBois on 10/14/18



October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. "Like stars in the sky, our love is infinite, connects us, shines brightly and lights the darkness." - Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com

"Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes, however is not limited to, miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, and the death of a newborn."- Source Wikipedia

I am so sorry for anyone who has been through the heartbreak of losing a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS...in any way. My heart and prayers go out to you.

I will be lighting a candle on October 15th at 7 pm for you, for me, for our babies. 

I am so sorry for your loss.

Love, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss. MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage. - Love & comfort to you, Ellen
Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery





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