MiscarriageHelp.com

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Life teaches us many things and some of the lessons are painful. Sometimes, they knock the wind out of you.

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As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-two years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

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Hi everyone. I wanted to share my instagram account for miscarriage support. I pray you find some help, connection and comfort. It's under miscarriagehelpellendubois

Instagram profile: Ellen DuBois: MiscarriageHelp, a #support site I host. Baby Alex, Always in my heart. #miscarriage. #Author of I Never Held You https://amzn.to/2GVVteW

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"Uncertainty, self-doubt, self-blame...those things don't help. 

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Just letting everyone know about the Kindle Countdown deal I have going on at Amazon. My book, I Never Held You: #Miscarriage book, #support Only 1.99 #Kindle Countdown Deal Price goes up to $2.99 in about 7 hours! https://amzn.to/2GsTRKw via @amazon Over the next few days, the price goes back to $5.99 for the Kindle book in increments. I decided to do this because I want to reach out provide some support to as many as I can. I've been doing this for a long time, (2006). I'm not a doctor or anything of the sort. I'm just a woman who's lived through the pain of miscarriage and wrote about my journey, what helped, what didn't. I know how alone you may feel but #youarenotalone. So many people can relate to you, want to help and connect. I'm deeply sorry for anyone who has lived through this and my heart and prayers go out to you. #miscarriagesupport #miscarriageawareness #miscarriagebook #ineverheldyou #babyloss #prayers

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Hi Everyone,

I decided to run a Kindle Countdown deal on my book, I Never Held You Kindle Edition on Amazon. The Kindle Edition is only $1.99 today. The price will go back in increments over the next few days until it's back to the regular price of $5.99.

So, now's a great time to get a book that will help support you, a friend, a loved one who has experienced the pain of miscarriage. It's my hope my book will be of help.

God Bless,

Ellen

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You're a part of me and that never changes. I love you, and that never goes away. - Ellen M. DuBois

I create these sayings, or thoughts, when they hit me. I think about the baby I loved and lost and want to share my feelings with you. I do this in the hope that you'll somehow feel less alone in your struggle. I know it helps to feel connected to those who have lived it. I am deeply sorry for your loss and please try to hang in there. I know it's hard...that's an understatement. In time, you will get through this. You will never forget, but you will survive this and step by step, move forward. That doesn't mean you'll forget the baby you lost to miscarriage. It means you'll move forward with your life and your baby will always be a part of you. The love I still feel for my baby has never faded.

Keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

Ellen

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I know you've suffered 

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I built walls around my heart after my miscarriage. I never felt that kind of pain before, and didn't want to feel it again. It took a long time for them to come down. Time spent grieving and healing. I had to learn to stop blaming myself for my miscarriage, too. 

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After I miscarried, it was so hard to come to grips with all the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams I had for my baby not coming true. I felt so empty. Even though my sweet baby was no longer with me, all the things I envisioned stayed with me. I still imagined what our first Christmas would be like, our first everything. I still pictured what my child would be like as he grew. I wanted so many things for my baby and those dreams didn't leave me when my baby did (physically). I couldn't stop wondering, just like I couldn't stop loving my child. As the years went by, the sting lessened. But, the love I felt for my baby never went away. There are still times I wonder what life would have been like had my baby stayed. I think many of us wonder and I've come to realize that it's okay. I'm not stuck in the past, it's just that I will always love the baby I never got to hold. 

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I thought of you a million times today. When I looked at the clouds, felt a breeze, saw the beauty a flower holds. I know I'll think of you a million times tomorrow, too.- Ellen DuBois, Miscarriagehelp.com

Love to all who have suffered a miscarriage. I know what your heart feels.

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"If any of you have lost a parent, a pet, or someone close to you, don't you still feel sad sometimes over it? Do you have yourself a good cry- even if it's been months or years since it happened? After you cry or 'let it out,' do you feel a sense of release? Why, then, is this not the same?"- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

I think it is the same.

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"So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again."- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

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"What does viable mean?" I asked. My heart raced as I awaited what I knew was the answer, but prayed wouldn't be.

"The fetus is no longer alive. The sack around the fetus is broken. We can wait for you to miscarry ..." His words faded as my mind raced.

Wait! Miscarry? What? A numbness washed through me.

The doctor continued, "I think it would be best if we removed it. It would be very painful and messy to wait for it to abort itself and in the long run, best for you."

For me? What about my baby? God. Stop calling it 'a fetus'! 

I wanted to scream, cry, hit something, and run. I wanted to turn back the hands of time and be anywhere but in that cold, sterile room with a doctor telling me that my baby-not my fetus- was dead.

But, I couldn't change anything. I agreed to the D & C (dilation and curettage), which is when the cervix is dilated and the fetal and placental tissues are scraped or suctioned out. I felt afraid and shocked. I couldn't believe the life inside of me was no longer alive. Just that feeling was beyond explanation. However, something inside triggered me to agree to remove the baby because I figured it would be worse to wait, day after day, for it to abort itself. I knew I couldn't handle that trauma, so I chose another.

I left in a state of disbelief. I couldn't even cry.

When my husband got home the next day, I told him the news. The day after that, I went in for my day surgery.

The doctor told me that upon examining the fetal tissue, he discovered it was "perfectly normal" and that first pregnancy miscarriages were very common. I swear he almost smiled, as if this was no big deal. I was young, and there'd be no problems in getting pregnant again.

Was that supposed to help? They were common? Maybe if I'd been told that there was a concrete reason for my miscarriage, i.e., an abnormality in the chromosomes or an infection that would render my baby ill, I'd have felt it was a blessing. Or, maybe not.

"Wait a few months and you can try again." the doctor said.

Try again? Let me get over this!

That was just the beginning of a very long, painful road I was about embark upon. One on which no one understood my grief. Why? Because there was no 'baby' to be seen. There was no real sense of loss for anyone but me. People cared, but more about me than my lost child. The child I carried and loved in my womb for four months. The child I had dreams and plans for. The child I talked to during the day. The child that was never to be.- Excerpt from I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery by Ellen M. DuBois

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"I felt very alone in my grief. I didn't know (back then) that there were support groups for women who miscarried. I didn't have access to the Internet and all of its resources. I couldn't find any books telling me how to get on with my life after miscarrying."- Excerpt from I Never Held You, Ellen M. DuBois

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected] 

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I wanted to take a moment to tell you a little about myself and why reaching out to women who have miscarried is so important to me.

My name is Ellen DuBois. I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. Reaching out to women who have miscarried is something I've been doing since 2009 and I'm passionate about. I know what it's like to feel alone after miscarriage. Writing a book and providing a website where women and their families can share is very important to me. Even today, miscarriage and its fallout are often dismissed, leaving many feeling like there's nowhere to turn. I want to become part of the solution. I'm not a doctor. Who am I? I'm a woman who's lived through miscarriage and later shared my experiences in an effort to reach out to others so they feel less alone and more connected. That connection brings with it support.

I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to adult.

You are all in my prayers and I'm sending loads of love, light and support your way. 

Ellen

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This is my response to an email I received today. I have not included the sender's name out of respect for her privacy. I'm sharing this with you today, the last day of 2018, because I know this can be a very difficult time of year. After suffering a miscarriage, holidays often are trying times. You want to feel happy but your heart is grieving. Compounded with other things like anxiety, fear, guilt, etc., you may find yourself wondering how you're going to find happiness as we ring in the new year.

As with any loss, you need time to grieve and heal. That doesn't mean you forget, but healing does come over time and it's different for all of us.

I remember feeling like the world just didn't "get it" after I miscarried. It was like the rest of the planet was on "play" and I was stuck on "pause".

Your loss was very real and it sounds like you're afraid that you may not be able to get pregnant again. I am not a doctor, so I don't know what to say about that. It sounds like there's a chance and that's something I hope you find comfort in. (My sister had both children in her thirties and I know many women who have.) I hope you find some comfort in that and have faith, too. Easier said than done, I know. Perhaps some reassurance from your doctor would help? Or a group of women who had children in their 30's and 40's? Just thinking "out loud" and sharing with you.

It's a very emotional time of year for anyone who has suffered a loss and I'm sorry you've found yourself in that group. Please remember: Your best is good enough and taking things a day at a time is all you can do. When you focus on your worries to the point they consume you- about the future, ever getting pregnant, feeling guilty, all of it, it makes it hard to see the joy and to be present in the moment. Being present in the moment allows you to feel whatever you need to. Maybe you need to cry. Maybe you'll take a walk and focus on the beauty around you. Balance is key and it's not an easy thing to find when your world feels upside down. But, it's possible and it helps emotionally, physically and spiritually.

I wish I could help the pain go away, but I know that's impossible. I remember when just getting through the day without crying was a challenge. Over time, I started to feel a bit more like myself. It just happened- over time. When I held everything in, I ended up sick, (really sick, with pneumonia). So talking, or venting is important. If talking to someone, (like a friend or counselor), is more helpful, I hope you're able to do that. If writing things down to get your feelings out helps, I hope do more of it like you did in this email to me. All these things and more help you to focus more on healing, which makes you better able to cope. Does that make sense?

I am sorry for what you have been through. That goes out to your sister in law, too. Losing a baby is extremely difficult and I wouldn't compare the circumstances. I pray for both of you as you navigate the waters.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. May 2019 be a year of healing and joy for you.

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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My heart goes out to all who are grieving this Christmas and holiday season. May you feel the comfort and love of your precious one in Heaven. 

Love and comfort to you,

Ellen

If you need to share, vent, feel heard, that's what this site is for. It's been online since 2006. Women from all over the world, of many ages and backgrounds have have posted here. Some have found comfort and felt far less alone just reading through some of the posts. 

I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. If you feel my book will help you or someone you love, I pray it does. Take what feels right to you from it. We all grieve and heal differently. My hope is that you find your way to a place of healing.

Ellen DuBois, Author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. [email protected]

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