MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

by Ellen M. DuBois on 07/19/22

Dear Ellen,

I came across your site and wanted to vent a little. I've just had a second miscarriage and between being at home, my husband going through a job change after a layoff, this baby was a bright spot in our lives. We've already suffered one loss that put me in such bad depression. I didn't know how to move on but did my best. About a year and half later, I was pregnant.

I can't stop thinking why me? Why again?

I don't really need to go into details but after I miscarried, I felt numb. That didn't last very long because the sadness came and it's stayed. I miscarried in May of this year. I was about 10 weeks. I didn't tell many people because I was afraid and figured I'd wait until I passed the first trimester.

Never happened and here I am. I just don't know how to deal with this and thanks for having a place for me let some this out.

I ordered your book, too. A friend of mine from work suggested it.

Thanks for listening,

Jessica

Dear Jessica,

I'm so sorry for your losses. I know your emotions are strong and right now the pain is so raw. I felt a lot like you- numb at first and then I was crying all the time. I'd be fine one minute and the next I'd have tears running down my face. Or, I was trying to hold them back because I was in a situation where bursting into tears wouldn't have been good, (like at work). While I'm not a doctor, I'm a woman who has lived what you're going through and I can say I really get where you're coming from.

There's not a lot that helps us through grief. It's one of those very painful things we have to feel and wade through. Everyone is different and there's no time frame on grief. Along with those layers of emotion are questions like: Why me? Why again? How do I get through this? Am I losing it? (And many more.)

Although there was nothing to save me from having to feel the pain and get through the grief, I did find some things helped. The first is exactly what you did here: write what you're feeling. I vented whenever I could. Online support wasn't around when I miscarried. But, then it appeared. I found support groups. They were brand new and I explored. I wrote to myself just to get my feelings out. It helped because I released so many pent up feelings that felt like they were eating me up.

My family and friends were super supportive. But, nobody can walk your road and nobody I knew had miscarried. So, I looked for books that dealt with miscarriage to feel less alone. Back then, I couldn't find any. Eventually, more of them were written and I'm glad to have been a part of that. Women feel far too alone after they miscarry - even today.

Faith played a big part in my healing. However, I was all over the place in my twenties. My faith and healing grew over time. But, I know my personal belief in God, Heaven, a plan, (one I didn't really like), and feeling the spirit of the baby I lost around me helped a great deal.

My biggest wish is for you to take the time you need to feel and heal. I know you won't forget your babies, nor would ever expect you to. I never forgot mine. Taking care of yourself and allowing whatever you're feeling to come out- crying, writing, taking a walk, clearing your head, taking to someone, praying, meditating. All of these things and whatever feels right to you help to balance out the scales. Grief is no easy thing and you're allowed to grieve.

I say that because so many women are made to feel their grief isn't as real as with other losses. I fully disagree. Your grief is very real and you need time.

I'm always here if you want to vent again. I'll be thinking of you and sending love and prayers your way.

Love and Light,

Ellen

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Miscarriage: I'm having a difficult time moving forward.

by Ellen M. DuBois on 04/07/22

Dear Ellen,

It will be four years this July since I miscarried. It was one of the worst days of my life. I was alone and scared. I made a call to my doctor's office when I saw blood on the toilet paper while at a family cookout.

My husband was away on business. I didn't even have the chance to tell him we lost the baby right away because his cell phone wasn't working.

I got home that night after leaving him countless messages to please call me. My sister stayed with me through it all.

There are lots of details I'm leaving out, but the bottom line is I'm having such a difficult time moving forward from this. Some days it feels like it just happened. I can barely breathe. I know it's been four years, but the pain is there every single day and I feel like it's eating me up. My husband and I talk about it but honestly, I don't feel it does any good. I'm glad we can talk, but do I feel better? No. I think it's because it doesn't change anything. Nothing will bring my baby back and we've had a very difficult time getting pregnant again.

I'm rambling, lost, found your site and felt like spilling here. Thanks for taking the time to listen.

Dianne

Hello. This is Ellen, host of this site. I've shared this email from Dianne after she told me it was fine to do so. I'll get back with a response and post it. I wanted to share it now so any of you who are feeling the same way realize you are not alone. I remember what it was like four years after my miscarriage. There were times the wound felt so raw. Sending you all love and light and I'm so sorry for your loss. Ellen #miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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Miscarriage Book Offers Support

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/28/22

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery Linda R. Backman Ed.D Author I Never Held You is a supportive book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery. It is helpful for those who have just suffered a miscarriage, or for women who lost their babies years ago when there was little, if any, support. Join author Ellen DuBois as she shares her journey- from the initial shock of learning her baby had passed away to reaching a place of healing and accepting her new normal. She never forgot her unborn baby and he continues to touch her life in countless ways. Dr. Linda Backman contributed the foreword and several chapters as both a licensed grief counselor and a woman who survived the loss of her son Adam, born at 26 weeks who lived for about an hour. Her heartbreaking loss is what led her to become a grief counselor and more. Also included in this book are four touching stories from women who miscarried. The second half of the book focuses on things the author found helpful in healing. She says: Take what works for you, leave what doesn't, and remember to take one day at a time. There is no time frame on grief. Your loss matters, and so do you.- Ellen M. DuBois

I Never Held You is available at Barnes & Noble and Amazon.com

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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To The Baby I Miscarried: My Love Is With You Always

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/23/22

Sometimes my own miscarriage seems like a lifetime ago. Other times the pain is so raw. I think that's the nature of loss - of grief. Something triggers a memory, a feeling, and it all comes rushing back.

I miscarried 30 years ago. It's hard to imagine it's been that long, but it has. Three decades of living and all that goes with life. I've laughed, cried, survived the loss of my mother and more. Like all of us, life is full of ups and downs. It's the light and darkness we all experience that make up our journey.

But, I get what it's like to wonder, even after three decades, how life would have been if my much loved baby had survived. My stomach flips when I think about him - even as I'm typing these words. I believe it's the love that connects us and always will. My soul knows my baby is on the other side and we are joined by a Divine thread that bridges Heaven and earth.

As I have lived, my soul has grown. I see life as a spiritual journey with so many lessons to be learned along the way. And, while I have grown through the mere act of living, missing the child I carried in my womb for about four months has remained constant.

To those of you who think about the precious baby you lost years, even decades ago, I want you to know you're not alone. I don't believe it's "crazy' or something you should "forget" or "get over". These catch phrases hurt and have no place in the life of any of us. They serve no purpose. Just be yourself and feel what you do. To me, it's part of the journey and remembering, the very definition of love.

#miscarriage #babyloss #pregnancyandinfantloss #thejourney #healing #healingquotes #pailrd #rememberingourbabies #youarenotalone #PregnancyLossandInfantLossAwareness #infantloss #pregnancyloss #creatingawareness #yourlossmatters #ineverheldyou #miscarriagesupport #babylosssupport #helpingeachother #womenhelpingwomen #pregnancy #women #grief #angels #comfort #ineverheldyou

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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#Repost To The Woman Who #Miscarried A Long Time Ago

by Ellen M. DuBois on 03/14/22

I am so sorry for your loss. Some of you may not have heard those words. Years ago they didn't talk about miscarriage...it was kind of swept under the rug and life, your life, was expected to go on as normal. I know that's the furthest thing from the truth. I know because I lived it and I still think about the baby I loved and lost. I still miss him and he'd be an adult now. All grown up. Maybe he'd have his own family.

Perhaps you, like me, have spent years, actually a couple of decades, wondering what your baby would have been like. I've missed all those first moments with him and feel somewhat cheated of a life with him. Not all the time. The wound isn't as raw as it used to be. However, there are times I wish I lived the other life, the one where I watched my baby grow up. It will always sadden me that I didn't see those first steps, that first tooth growing in, hear his first word, see the first beautiful smile. All of it.

I used to be somewhat reluctant to say these things because I thought it best I didn't. I didn't want people to think I was "brooding" or stuck in the past. Then I realized these were my feelings and I had every right to feel them. My loss, my grief, my way of feeling. Holding it in doesn't do any good. I'm being real, true to myself and to you. This is what's in my heart.

I'm not saying I'm unhappy with my life today. That's not it. I count my blessings and know for whatever reason, this was the path my life was supposed to take. I am where I'm supposed to be at this moment.

That doesn't mean I don't sometimes wander into the world of "what could have been." After all, I didn't lose a car. I lost a baby. My life was proundly changed and I'd be willing to bet yours was, too.

So, if you have missed your baby for years and sometimes drift into the world of "what ifs and could have beens", you aren't alone. I get it and we can take comfort in knowing we have walked this path together for quite some time.

Wishing you health, love and light.

About me: My name is Ellen DuBois, born and raised in Massachusetts. I love New England with its changes in seasons and natural beauty.

I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Jackie's Heart. Since 2006 I've been hosting MiscarriageHelp.com, a support site for women and their families who have miscarried.

I'm published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (a Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns.

I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond. Music is another passion of mine and I'm blessed to share the gift of music. I'm also a shudder bug like my mother was. I love taking pictures.

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