http://miscarriagehelp.com/ A place for those who have suffered a miscarriage en-us Nucleus CMS v3.24 © Weblog http://backend.userland.com/rss http://miscarriagehelp.com//nucleus/nucleus2.gif http://miscarriagehelp.com/ http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=553 Hello Everyone,

I hope you are finding your feet planted on the road to healing after miscarriage.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "You are supplied, you are home, and you are safe, now and forever."

This message is from Tachena. My thoughts and prayers are with her as they are all of you:

Tachena says:

I had a miscarriage on October 16, 2006...I know it was so long ago, but I cannot get past it. I've tried. Every time I walk past the baby isle or see a baby I start to cry. Me and my fiance did not expect to get pregnant, but the moment we found out...we were so excited! My mom and all my friends were happy for us. The day before I was supposed to go get my sonogram I started to bleed. So I called the lady back and asked her what I should do. She told me that if it pursits to go to the ER immediately. Well sure enough around midnight or so I rushed up to the hospital. All the doctor said was that I wasn't pregnant, and walked out of the room. He had no consideration for my feelings. I think he thought I would have been happy. An 18 year old having a baby obviously didn't matter to him. I think that the way he acted towards me made the situation worse than it already had been for me. I don't know what went wrong. I was eating healthy, I was taking all natural prenatals,and I was eating more for the baby. I was just so crushed to find out that the baby that I never even met was out of my life forever. Honestly the only person at the time that knew how I felt was my mom. My fiance cried, but he moved on. I keep buying baby stuff for a baby that I don't have. Ever since that day I have wanted to try and actually have one, but he doesn't. Which I don't understand because he was so excited to be a daddy. I just don't want to feel like there is piece of me missing for the rest of my life. It just burned a hole through my chest. I miss the feeling of the baby growing inside me. I don't think that I could love someone so much...someone that I never knew. I just don't know who else to turn to. Thank you.

Dear Tachena,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the coldness you experienced at the hospital. Because you were 18 when you were pregnant has no bearing on anything. You loved your baby and had a miscarriage. It hurt deeply, and I know it still does. You should have been treated much more gently. I am sad to say this happens far too often.

Two years isn't a long time- at least not to me. You're grieving, but I am a little concerned that you may be having a very difficult time in moving forward with your life. It's not an easy thing, and feelings like wanting to cry when you're around baby things in a store, etc., are the same feelings I had- (still do sometimes). I completely understand the ache you have deep inside. You want to be a mother so much. I don't know what your beliefs are, but please try to believe it will happen for you when the moment is right.

Your fiance doesn't want to try to get pregnant right now, and that hurts. I don't know your circumstances with him, but now must not be the time if you both aren't thinking the same. I think he may be worried about you- but that's just a guess.

You know, I've mentioned this before, but there's nothing wrong with finding some help- someone who isn't involved in your life- to talk to. I know you hurt, and keep buying baby things for the baby you lost and the baby you wish to have. The thing is, I don't know if you're truly healing to make room for the life you want, and that's where some help comes in, (just my opinion- from one woman to another). This site could be a very important step because you've shared your feelings here and have been very open with your heart. I respect that and hope by opening yourself up, you were able to get out some thoughts and feelings that needed to be expressed.

Two years after my miscarriage, I was still crying over it like you are. I missed my baby so much, and wanted a life that wasn't. I wanted to be a mommy more than anything, and when my ex and I divorced, it was such a blow to my whole self that I did end up finding someone to talk to. I felt like you- like I couldn't get past anything and was stuck. My wheels just kept spinning and I was going nowhere. The place I was in was a scary, lonely place and I knew I had to reach out. I even bought some baby things like you have- just a little thing here or there because I dreamed of the baby I would have, and still ached for the one I lost.

Time, my faith, and talking things out with a counselor were the things that helped the most. Then, as life went on and I grew with the changes in life, I began to feel healed. I never forgot my baby, and never will. There will always be a special place for my child, just as there will always be a special place in your heart for your child.

When you are healing, it does not mean forgetting. I'd never expect you to forget your baby or your miscarriage. Your feelings are very real- your grief runs deep and is not to be discounted. Your healing is just as real, and whatever help you may need to heal is there for you. Help can come in many forms: your faith, a counselor, this site, talking it out with a good friend or your mother, finding a support group in your area for people who have lost babies to miscarriage, (maybe at the hospital there's such a group). Whatever it takes to make you realize that you have every right to grieve, AND you have every right to live your life.

Recently, I wrote a letter to my baby and then burned it. I set the ashes free in a memorial ceremony I had for my baby boy with my best friend by my side. We then set balloons into the air and I knew, for the first time, that I had some closure. This small but very meaningful ceremony to Alex was one of the best things I did for myself because I set him free to God. I knew I had been holding on for so long. After a miscarriage, there usually isn't that type of closure. When someone who actually walked on this earth crosses over into Heaven, we have a service. The funeral or memorial brings some closure, although very painful. Well, maybe you're like me and need that kind of closure in order to continue your path towards healing. It's just something I want you to think about. If it feels right to you, you'll know it. It could be now, or three months from now. You'll feel it when it's right for you.

Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. We often need to heal and set free our pain in order to make room for beautiful, joyful things to enter into our lives.

Come back whenever you want, and know you are thought of, cared about and loved more than you may know.

Blessings, Love, and Healing Light to you,
Ellen

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=553 Fri, 16 May 2008 07:43:38 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=552 Hello Everyone,

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Your soul needs no progress, for it has never left God's side, and has never forgotten its holy self and wondrous gifts!"

Here is a message from Sarah, and my heart goes out to her. She miscarried before Mother's Day last year, and this past Mother's Day found out her sister-in-law was pregnant. It's been very difficult for her, and I know many of us can relate to her feelings.

Blessings to you,
Ellen
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Dear Ellen and Everyone here,

My name is Sarah, and I miscarried about a year ago, (right before Mother's Day). I thought I was past the grief, until my sister in law announced she was pregnant over Mother's Day. I can't explain the power of my emotions. I did the best I could, smiled, hugged and congratulated her. Inside, I wanted to die. My husband looked at me right when she told us the news. He's the only one I've really been able to talk to about all of this since my miscarriage last April, 07, and I think things started to get old with him. Not that he didn't care, but he got to a point where I know he was just listening to me say the same things, and cry over them, all the time.

Anyway, that first Mother's Day was very difficult. I thought I'd come so far and now I feel like I've taken a million steps back. My family knows we've been trying for another baby and haven't been successful yet. I try to be as positive as I can, but right now I don't feel anything but the pain I felt a year ago. It's like it never went away.

I have read all of your stories and although I'm so sad for all of you, reading what you've gone through has helped. I don't feel crazy or as alone.

Thank you, Ellen, for having a site and a book like this. I look forward to the help your book will give, and your site has helped already. Ladies, please keep the faith and thank you for listening to me go on. I never wanted to have to find a site like this one, but I am so glad I did.

Maybe next Mother's Day will be a joyful one for all of us.

Dear Sarah,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the emotional battles you've been experiencing. To feel like you've made such progress in healing after your miscarriage, only to feel like the wind's been knocked out of your sails is very difficult.

Please go easy on yourself. I know you feel like you've taken many steps back, but you really haven't. Wanting to get pregnant and feeling the ache inside day after day is so emotionally draining. When someone so close to you, like a family member, gets pregnant, you wonder, "Why not me?" It's perfectly normal. I'd feel the pain, like you did, and would wish it could be me, too. Your sister-in-law's pregnancy has reminded of the baby you lost, and of all the time you've been trying to make your dreams of becoming pregnant a reality.

As the days go by, please allow yourself to feel. I know it's tough and you probably don't want to cry, but if you feel like you need to, please do so. When you hold it all it, it really hurts and also makes healing so much harder.

For a bit, it may be tough to be around your sister-in-law. I know I had a very difficult time being around pregant women after I miscarried. I felt like I was going to 'flip out' at baby showers, or at the mention of someone being pregnant. It took me a very long time to get a handle on this, and the way I did it was through my faith, meditation, and... time.

I don't know if there's a support group near you, but if you feel comfortable, it might help to meet with people living the same. I know there are a couple of hospitals in my area who hold monthly meetings for people who lost babies to miscarriage.

A grief counselor also is very helpful- or counseling in general. I'm not too proud to say I've been to a counselor for help in the past. I needed it after my miscarriage/divorce. To say I was a 'trainwreck' is an understatement.

There are many emotions coming to the surface right now. Your grief and pain are very real, and you deserve to have your feelings validated. Talking them out with someone may enable you to move forward, while being 'okay' with your sister-in-law's pregnancy.

You can also come back here whenever you want. You and everyone else are always welcome. This is YOUR sounding board, safe place, etc. We all care very much about you, your feelings, your loss and your healing.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Love and Light to you,
Ellen

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=552 Thu, 15 May 2008 12:53:09 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=550 Hello Everyone,

Blessing to you on this day. Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Admire everyone's beauty freely, and drink in the perfume of Spirit that is all around you."

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Rose says:

It's mother's day today and I had not expected I would spend it fighting back tears and searching for comfort online.

I had a miscarriage almost one year ago. I was 20 years old then and although it was an unplanned pregnancy, I saw our baby as a blessing from God and felt happy. However, 2 months into the pregnancy, I had a miscarriage. My family, being strict, conservative, and very religious, didn't know I was pregnant--- much more miscarried (until now). My boyfriend was working in the other side of the world during that time and even if he insisted that he come visit me, I told him I would be fine and he should just focus at work as it was a busy and critical time for his company. I didn't want to cost him his job or make him spend much money just to be with me for a few days. And so I had to face losing our baby alone.

I kept my pregnancy and miscarrying a secret from everyone except my boyfriend and a few close friends. However, I always remembered our angel and kept him/her in my heart.

Now, almost a year has passed. It's Mother's Day and I was expecting my boyfriend to prepare something special for me or at least greet me (he knows how affected I was by the miscarriage and how much I care for our lost baby). However, he didn't do anything for me nor greeted me. The only mention of mother's day from him was how his mother liked the sweets I gave her. At the end of the day, I told him I was sad that he didn't give me recognition this Mother's day. He told me he didn't understand why I should be given such as I am not his mother and I am not a mother...

His words hurt me so much. I feel confused much-- wondering if I am over-reacting and being overly-sensitive. I wonder if it's silly of me to think of myself as a "mother" this Mother's day when I have never given birth to a child. I wonder if I was making a big deal out of my miscarriage, if I am supposed to be "over" it now and move on. However I really cannot forget and until now continue to care for and love my baby.

Thankfully, I found your website tonight and it made me feel that I am not alone. It's still painful for me but your kind and caring words have comforted my heart and made me stop crying.

Tonight, I will go to sleep with thinking of all the blessings in my life as you suggested. I think your being is a blessing not only for my life but for countless women grieving over the loss of their unborn child. Thank you so much.

Sunday, May 11, 2008 12:37:32

Ellen says:

Dear Rose,
I am so sorry for your loss. You kept your miscarriage to yourself a year ago, and you must have felt so alone. I realize your boyfriend and few close friends knew, but it sounds like you had no support system to turn to.

Please try not to place a time frame on your grief and feelings of emptiness and loss. While I realize we go on with our lives, I would never expect you to stop loving your baby, or to forget your miscarriage.

Mother's Day is typically a day of celebration. I heard something yesterday while at my father's church. The Reverend was talking about Mother's Day and mentioned how aware she was that there are those who were having a difficult time on Mother's Day. Perhaps they lost their mother, or the mother of their children, or lost a child. She didn't want to exclude anyone from her sermon, and acknowledged those who were very sad on Mother's Day. I thought her sermon was extremely compassionate.

While we may be giving thanks, as I certainly did, for my own mother, the ache remained for my own loss. It's been sixteen years and the ache was there. I know the sting wasn't nearly as bad as it was immediately after my miscarriage, but it was very present.

I took comfort in doing a quiet meditation and prayer in the morning and felt very connected to my child. However, missing my baby and all the 'what could have beens' entered my mind as they do each Mother's Day.

You miscarried only a year ago, and that's not a very long time. It sounds like this was your first Mother's Day after your miscarriage, and don't be hard on yourself for having a difficult time. I understand why you wanted your boyfriend to acknowledge your loss- it's only natural. It sounds like he has moved forward and doesn't understand the depth of the ache in your soul- what's in your soul.

You love and miss your baby- of course you are sad. It's too bad your boyfriend didn't exercise a bit more sympathy when you brought this up to him at the end of the day. To basically say he didn't understand you and use the words 'you're not a mother' was a bit cold. I don't believe his intentions were to be cold, but he was.

What you needed was a hug, some warmth, some support and understanding.

You have found it here, and I am sorry you had to. However, we are all with you and do not dismiss your pain. Ever.

Please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am relieved to know you found some comfort and help here, and you will always find the door open at MiscarriageHelp.

You are always welcome back.

I once heard on a CD by Dr. Wayne Dyer that "We can grieve and live." Yes, we can do both. Counting your blessings helps balance the scales and gives you some positive energy to offset the tears. However, your tears are real and you have every right to feel. It's in feeling we begin healing.

Blessings to you and much Love, Light and Healing.

Ellen

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchase I Never Held You, subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog, or browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=550 Mon, 12 May 2008 07:44:35 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=549 Hello Everyone,

It's Mother's Day, and today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Be assured that we are always available to assist you, and know that your prayers will never be denied."

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To all of you who have suffered a miscarriage, or more than one, my heart and prayers are with you.

If you believe in spiritual connections, in the unseen being real and our ability to feel love from those on the other side, you might want to try what I did this morning. If not, it's okay. There's no right or wrong. I felt great comfort in connecting with my baby's spirit. I adhere to a just because you can't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there philosophy. If you feel the same, you may find this short meditation, if you will, quite comforting, as I did this morning:

Close your eyes for a moment and be still. Just for a moment. Breathe in deeply and see a white ring of light, protection and love around you. Breathe in comfort and healing, and breathe out any anxieties, fears, worries or concerns you have. Be still and do it again. Focus on your baby who lives on in spirit. Tell your baby you love him or her, or simply say "I love you." Breathe. Be still. Feel a warmth in your heart as you feel the love of your baby wrap around you- your entire being. This warmth surrounds your entire self- mind, body and spirit. Love is there. Love is eternal. The love you have for your baby and your baby's love for you is present in the moment and for all time. It cannot be broken. It lives on because it is from and of God. Say, "I will love you forever and I know you will love me forever." Keep breathing deeply and when you're ready, open your eyes and go on with your day, knowing you have connected with your baby in Heaven's realm.

Blessings, Light and Love to you,
Ellen

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

Go to Amazon to purchase I Never Held You, subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog, or browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=549 Sun, 11 May 2008 07:35:44 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=546 Hello Everyone,

Blessings and light to you today.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is, "Prayer simply means 'reconnection' with the Divine is your lifeline to endless inspiration and vitality."

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I received an email from Laurie today, and she told me it was fine to share it with you. I have responded to her comment, and am also looking into a suggestion about I Never Held You being available as an audio book.

Anyway, here is Laurie's message and I believe many of you, (myself included), can relate to her feelings and those of her friend.

Love and Light,
Ellen

Hi Ellen,

I just finished reading your book, "I Never Held You". I am a single mother of a
16 year old and I had a miscarriage about a month and a half ago but it seems like
yesterday. It's been on of the most difficult things I've been through in a long
time. Some days my pain is so deep I don't know how I'll make it through but your
book was all that I needed and more. I was 3 months pregnant and we were looking
forward to a new chapter in our book but God intended something else so he is who
has the final say.

I recently went to the Gym a couple of weeks ago and I ran into a friend that I
hadn't seen since November 2007. She happened to step onto the treadmill machine
that was right next to me and she tapped me on my shoulder. When I saw it was her
I gave her a hug. Now we weren't like best friends we were more like friends in
acquaintence BUT we had hung out before. When I asked her how she was doing she
began to tell me that she had just had a miscarriage and that she wasn't doing too
well. And I just listened to her. She continued to say that the pain was so hard
for her and that she is having trouble letting go. So I shared my pain with her as
well. We stopped walking on th treadmill and just hugged one another. She told me
that she had never shared this next fact with anyone: She said: "When I passed the
baby, I put it in a satin bag and I keep it on my dresser at home". While I was a
little surprised I'm not too surprised the grief is so overwhelming and I told her
that
she and I could go out to the lake and bury the baby. She was 6 weeks.

She also told me that she kept the pants that she miscarried in because she felt
that someone the pants represented the blood she lost and that blood was part of
her baby. I guess I'm at the point where I don't focus as much on my own grief
especially when someone else is grieving around me. I want to know what I can say
to my friend to be a good support system for her. Other than her and my family and
close friends, I don't really talk about my miscarriage too much because I don't
want to spend too much time dwelling on it.

I went to a doctor's appointment at the women's clinic and I thought I was fine
until I got in the office and my doctor (midwife) asked me how I was doing and I
lost it. So I do as much as I can to block the pain anyway I can.

Your book made me feel better because I connected with how you were feeling. Now I
want to help my friend. I asked her if she reads much and she said she didn't and
I told her about your book. Do you have audio tapes?

I don't want to overwhelm you with all of this and I thank you for your time. Most
importantly, I thank you for sharing your story. I kinda feel like each woman's
pain can be an ointment to slowly heal the next person who is going through the
same kinda pain. I want to help my friend. Any suggestions.

Thank you, Ellen!

Laurie

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=546 Thu, 8 May 2008 13:04:25 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=540 Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you on this first day of May.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Simply call upon us, and we will guide you without hesitation, without interference or control, and always with love."

Love and Healing to you all,
Ellen

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Veronica says:

Dear Ellen,
the stories gathered in your site from all this women around the world are so comforting.. and made me feel i'm not alone in this grief...
I'm 33 yrs old, and had my last and more painful miscarriage 2 weeks ago (April 13th, 2008).
Until today, i had lost 2 babies, the first time when i was just a young girl and had an abortion, since i was alone (the father abandoned me) my family didn't supported me and i didn't know what to do...
I feel sorry for what i did years ago, and i trully feel that this second miscarriage is some sort of punishment from God for being such a monster and made an abortion...
Years passed by, i'm happily married and this was our first try after 2 years of marriage.
We found out that were pregnant in February, gave the family and friends the good news in March and finally in April 11th i started to spot...
Being first time parents, i think the worst was happening... and sadly i was right.
We went through 3 rough days between an Ultrasound with the doctor that told us that maybe i got pregnant in an earlier date (not Feb.) or maybe something was going wrong...
The next day, i had a blood test, urine and HGC test and another US with an specialist... The US specilialist told us the worst... i was having a Blighted Ovum pregnancy, and that means i was having a pregnancy sac that was EMPTY...
The word EMPTY sounded inside my head... the grief was so huge, but i was at risk of getting a hemorrhage... So the doctor recommended a D&C and for the first time in my life i was in a surgery room... feeling alone and scared.
The night before was so painful, since the doctor put Cytotec vaginally and told me that was going to hurt deeply... the cramps was the worst pain i ever had in my whole life and felt my life was slowly being suck in while the blood was pouring out of my body.
The next morning i went to surgery,
when i wake up from the surgery, my husband and my whole family was at the hospital, that was so relieving...
17 days have passed since, the grief is still so deep, we even have named our baby: Daniela, because my husband claimed the baby was a girl... my mother-in-law periodically dream about me having twins, but now we're not going to know if the baby was girl or boy or even if was going to be twins.
I feel bad, since i have avoided visiting the family since i dont want to see my nephews, i love those kids but i don't want to see them. Mother's Day is around the corner and i don't have the energy or the happiness to celebrate.
I only hope someday the grief gets small and trully pray for having another chance of being a mother.
I'm trully sorry about the sins from my teen years, but i only want another opportunity.

Dear Veronica,

I am so sorry for your losses. Yes, I said losses. You were so young and alone when you lost your first baby, and I believe with ALL my heart that God is not a vengeful God. That’s my belief. What I’m saying is I believe your miscarriage is not your fault- nor do I believe it was some sort of punishment. I want to share this with you because I feel extremely compelled to do so, and you shared your whole heart. It hurts me to think you are blaming yourself for losing your baby to miscarriage now at 33 because of an abortion when you were a mere baby at seventeen. Confused and very alone in this life, you reacted the only way you knew how. I am asking you to forgive yourself, or please try, because in my heart God knew your pain, suffering and confusion and never, ever stopped loving you. Ever. I realize those are my beliefs, and I’m not trying to force them upon you or anyone else, but now you know my honest feelings as you have shared yours. You were loved back when you made one of the most difficult choices of your young life, and you still loved today.

Speaking of today…You are 33 and are in deep grief over your miscarriage. I am so sorry for this. A blighted ovum sounds like a scary, lonely and sad experience. You had to be hospitalized, and I am so grateful your okay, (physically), and are home. Now it’s time to heal.

Healing is a difficult process. You are actually grieving two losses: one from the present, and one from the past. I pray for you to be given the strength you need to walk the road towards healing and recovery: physically, emotionally and spiritually.

It’s been such a short time since your miscarriage, and you have every right to grieve. In order to heal, you must feel, and feeling such pain is never, ever easy. The days will get brighter, but it takes time. During that time, you will walk a road full of peaks and valleys, but you will always be in my thoughts and prayers, and those of others. Your family sounds very supportive. They were there for you when you came out of surgery, and something tells me they will continue to be there for you as you heal.

Please don’t give up on your dreams of motherhood. I know it’s hard and know all too well of the emptiness you’re feeling inside. Mother’s Day is a difficult day after you’ve lost your child to miscarriage, or in any other way. What I’d like you to focus on, and I had to do this myself, is how grateful you are for your own mother. It’s still a very bittersweet day, but when you’re able to celebrate your mother’s love for you, it makes it a bit easier to get through.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take one step at a time and give yourself the time you need to heal. You deserve it and need it. If there’s some kind of support group around, you may want to attend. If you need to talk it out with someone, a grief counselor may help. Anyone who can help you through this time is waiting for you to reach out to them- including me.

I remember feeling the sting of Mother’s Day, and to be honest, still do as I never had any children and that’s my dream. But, when Mother’s Day rolls around, my family is so incredible. They give me cards: from pets, nieces and nephews, etc. I am always touched by this as I feel like a third wheel. Then, something beautiful happens and I am overcome with emotion. I realize how blessed I am to have a family who goes out of their way, after all these years of being childless and missing my son, to make me feel loved and special.

And now I know, just as I believe this is true for you, you are the mother of both of your precious babies in Heaven. Nobody can take that away from you. I know it’s not the way you want to be a mother, but I believe your babies live on in spirit, on the other side, and they know you love them and always will. I think about that myself on Mother’s Day, and it took many years for me to be able to do so. It wasn’t until someone pointed out that I’d always be my baby’s mother on earth, that I realized it was true. I’m not trying to force this or anything else upon you. I am sharing my heart with you. Take from it what you will and know…

You are loved, you are in my thoughts and prayers, and you are a beautiful child of God, The Creator, -whatever name you’re comfortable with.

There's a couple of books I'd recommend for you, and yes, one is my own because I believe in it's message of hope and healing after miscarriage. But, the other is Her Choice To Heal. Please look into it if you're inclined.

Blessings to you. Much light and healing, too. Please come back whenever you want to- or if you need to get more off your chest. I am listening- and I really believe many of us are.
Ellen

Read hundreds of miscarriage comments and/or post your own by clicking here

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=540 Thu, 1 May 2008 06:49:33 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=535 Hello Everyone,

Well, this is my first attempt at putting Alex's memorial service into words. Alex is the son I miscarried sixteen years ago. I was four-and-a-half months along.

My friend picked me up in the early afternoon. The day was warm, sunny and slightly breezy. The sky was perfectly blue.

We arrived at the cemetery and went to her husband's grave carrying one white and one light blue balloon and the basket I'd prepared that morning.

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The energy was astounding. For such a peaceful cemetery, both my best friend and I could feel the energy pulsating through us.

After sitting in front of her beloved's grave, we did just that-sat in silence for a moment. Actually, a long moment. What were we going to do? I wondered how it'd all happen. Was there a particular order to things? My mind was full of questions, yet I felt a peace wash through me. It was like running and standing still at the same time. That's the only way I can describe it.

My emotions were jumbled, but as they made their way to the surface, they came out in the form of tears as my friend and I exchanged hugs. She had so much going on inside of her, too. It's only been three years since her soulmate made the transition to the other side.

Instinct took over as I took the letter I'd written to Alex and began reading it. I was a bit surprised at how difficult it was to speak because I was choking back tears. These tears were different from others I'd cried. These had waited to come out at that memorial service, for over a decade and a half.

With the help of God and the angels, I was able to get through the letter. I then took the ashes, (palms and the letter I'd written), and released them into the air. It was so ceremonial-if that's the right way to put it.

My wonderful friend was there, by my side, and I can tell you had she not been, I wouldn't have been able to honor my son's life in this way. The whole experience was a manifestation of our friendship and what we knew needed to be done-for both of our sakes.

As my friend spoke words of love, truth, and gut-wrenching honesty to her beloved, I could feel spirit in the air. I knew her love was nearby, and so was my baby Alex. Their spirits were listening and so very close. I felt the presence of angels, God and light. Not sunlight-although it was sunny. I mean the kind of light that is pure, holy and of God.

When my friend was done, she went to the car to get our waters. I was holding both balloons.

The wind picked up. The balloons seemed to be pulling, tugging, struggling to get into the air-as if to say, It is time. The feel of my hands on the ribbon was different. There was more force and a sort of electric vibration running through them and into my hand. I asked my friend to take the balloons to see if she felt it, too.

She did.

After both leaving kiss marks from our lipstick on our balloons, we counted to three and set them free.

It was beautiful, magical, mystical, and Divine.

The balloons didn't stray from each other. They followed the same path up into the sky, one leading the other for most of the way, and then a switch.

Our messages to heaven, to the spiritual beings who'd touched our lives in profound ways and were symbolized by a kiss marks on balloons, clearly made it to those we loved on the other side.

And...

Their love was returned to us tenfold.

Blessings, Love and Light to you all,
Ellen

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "The 'object' of your intention cannot be wrong or apart from God's will, because God- and God's will- only know joy."


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My Miscarriage Memorial: Believe

Hello Everyone,

Today's angel message from my perpetual angel calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "The pleasure you seek is attained the instant you allow yourself to enjoy the gift that is already given to you."

Today is the day I hold a memorial service for my son, Alex. It's been sixteen years this week, and I believe it's long overdue.

You see, I never had any sense of real closure. After my D&C, that was it. I never saw my baby, my son. He would have been a perfectly formed, four-and-a-half-month-old baby boy in my womb-and I know not saying an official good-bye left doors open that should have been closed. It made my healing after miscarriage more difficult.

However, I know his spirit lives on. I've always known it, felt it, believed it.

So, I have a small wooden basket with a rope handle. On each side the word Believe is painted. Within the small basket is a baby outfit with sparkling, clear and silver wire ribbon wrapped around it. Resting inside of the bow is a silver cross with a little boy's face upon it. Next to the baby outfit, there are fabric, yellow wild flowers and on the opposite side, there is a special package. Within the package are palm ashes. They are wrapped in red fabric with Indian beading on the front and little, fluffy, beautiful white feathers. Tucked behind the little package of palm ashes are the ashes of the letter I wrote to Alex, which I will set free into the air with the other ashes.

I created this small basket as a symbol. I wanted something with me at Alex's memorial service-things that represented him to me.
The outfit represents my dreams of him had he lived on this earth. The ribbon represents the silver, divine thread of love which connects us. The cross represents Christ, God, and my belief that Alex lives on in another world-the world where we return home as spiritual beings without the confines of our human bodies. The white feathers represent the angels who greeted Alex as he entered into the Kingdom of Heaven, and who are still with him. The beautiful beading on the package of palm ashes is representative of the Native Americans, as the Reverend who was kind enough to burn the ashes and bless them for me is part Native American. And, the yellow flowers represent new life and rebirth.

Indeed, it is beautiful. I am letting go today in a way I never have. By virtue of the closure this memorial will bring, I will finally be able to feel like I did something to honor a beautiful life, a divine spirit, who touched my life briefly, yet changed it forever.

My love, thoughts and prayers are with all of you.

Believe...
Ellen

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=535 Fri, 25 Apr 2008 10:38:12 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=527 Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you today. A comment came in from Sam, who also is a midwife. I cannot believe the treatment she received in a hospital while away, suffering from severe bleeding due to a blighted ovum. I feel for her deeply, as I do for all of you.

Her story of the dismissive attitude and lack of proper care while in the hospital, even though she nearly lost her life and had already lost her baby, is terrible. Actually, it's deplorable.

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Thank God Sam had her professional knowledge. I believe she saved her own life, and I am grateful to her for sharing her story and compassion here at MiscarriageHelp.com.

Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Through gracious receiving, you know that you are amply blessed."

dear ellen and all on this site,
what a wonderful blessing it is to have such a place to share. i have read many posts here and cried with each of you.
i have a healthy 2 1/2 year old son, and conceived again in the fall (september 07). after a lovely first trimester of no worries and feeling great, i began spotting on my son's second birthday, 2 days before thanksgiving (11/20/07). i am a midwife myself, and know the many unconcerning reasons to spot, but something did not feel right to me. i went to be seen for ultrasound, before we were planning to tell our families on thanksgiving day. i discovered that night that my pregnancy was a blighted ovum, or anembryonic pregnancy. somehow my heart was prepared in a way--i hadn't heard this baby's heart tones at my first midwife visit (i had heard my son's a an early 8 weeks), and i didn't feel the fullness i think i should have. the presence. so i returned home to await continued bleeding. i was still letting the truth sink in that my baby was not to be. a strange struggle to think that the actual baby never "had been" in this kind of pregnancy, but in my heart, of course it was. 2 days later, on thanksgiving, i was out of town at my brother's in chicago. i was bleeding like a normal period, my family all knew our news, and i was surrounded by love. that evening, though, unexpectedly, i began to hemorrhage uncontrollably.

this is unusual with a blighted ovum, but can happen (1 was almost 13 weeks by dates now). after a short time of assessing whether it would complete itself or not, i went to a local hospital because it was not, and i was bleeding more than is normal, even with a miscarriage. in a strange place, used to people respecting my background, i was ignored and tossed off for 4 hours while i nearly bled to death. the ER doc actually came to the room to discharge me home, telling me he saw nothing on the scan. i finally had the strength to say "i KNOW there's nothing on the scan!! i had a blighted ovum!! i could have told you that if you had asked. but it is still incomplete, possibly infected, and i still will die if you don't act! my pulse is 150!!" that got his attention, he consulted the OB on call, and i was under for a D&C in 15 minutes. though i lost an esimated 2+ liters, i did survive and keep my uterus, thank the Lord. it was strange to heal and recooperate since my physical needs almost seemed to eclipse my emotional ones. it was a few weeks before i or anyone else realized what was really lost and could focus on the dear little baby we dreamed of. i too had friends who are still expecting in june. what a blessing to be able to share and be shared with here, where each of you has felt you own particular kind of grief for a babe, no matter how "early", that has died. i know i can someday feel hope, and even joy, in the knowledge that my family in heaven has grown, and in some way i will know this child again. i am also thrilled to report that i am 12 weeks pregnant again, soon after (and not necessarily planned), and have heard my dear baby on a doppler with my midwife. i hope for this kind of joy, or any other kind that will bring healing, for ALL of you! many thoughts of happiness and healing.
sincerely,
sam

Dear Sam,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for all you went through while in the hospital. I still cannot believe how you were treated, and the thought of you nearly being sent home scares me. You were an advocate for your own health, and I thank God you had the knowledge to do so. When I think of those of us who don't- boy, oh boy.

You have been through a very real loss, as you know, and have a very compassionate heart. You care for women who are pregnant for a living. What a beautiful thing- to deliver babies. God bless you.

Now, you have lived first hand the other side of the spectrum. The loss. The pain. The feeling of disbelief, and also a feeling of dismissal. I am sorry you had to experience this. Something in my heart says you will take your experiences and use them to assist others in some way. Not that I'd ever, ever wish this upon you. However, being a midwife exposes you to many happily pregnant women- and I imagine you're exposed to some who lose their babies to miscarriage. I know you're an empathetic person by nature- and know your warmth and understanding when dealing with a woman who miscarries will be even greater than it already is.

That is the flipside to loss- turning adversity into something to help others. BUT, you've still gone through a very trying time and know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know you grieve your little one while excitement fills your heart about your new baby on the way.

I do know this: Your little one in Heaven will always remain a part of you.

To hear you are pregnant again makes my heart sing. May this be a healthy, beautiful pregnancy for you and your family.

I must say again how disconcerting it was to hear how you had to tell the doctor what was wrong with you and what to do. There are MANY fine doctors out there- and then there are those who do not qualify to be described as fine, or anything close to it. To all of you, never be afraid to ask your doctor questions and to go with your instincts. Please learn from Sam's terrible experience.

Blessings, Love, Light to you,
Ellen

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]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=527 Tue, 15 Apr 2008 12:15:33 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=525 Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, your host and author of I Never Held You.


Today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "Your intentions create your experiences, so hold intentions to only see, feel, and experience your highest good."

I wrote a book about miscarriage because I knew I was supposed to. I never wanted a woman to feel as alone and isolated as I did after my miscarriage some sixteen-years ago.

One thing led to another. My small ebook became a much longer, even more helpful paperback with Dr. Linda Backman helping steer women through the grief process with compassion and empathy. MiscarriageHelp.com came to be and it's taken off beyond my wildest expectations- giving women a place to share their feelings and connect after miscarriage.






Supporting YOU, the women who have miscarried, is a deep passion. I CARE about you and want you to always feel like you've got a place to turn to where others understand you. I want you to feel like you've got a friend in me who values you, validates your loss, and will not stop pushing away the obstacles along the path to greater miscarriage awareness & support.

That's the abbreviated version of why I do what I do....it's about YOU.

How To Help a Woman After A Miscarriage Article By: Ellen M. DuBois. You may want to print this to help you communicate with those around you who don't know how to offer support and to better understand what you're going through. God Bless.


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Go to Amazon to purchase I Never Held You, subscribe to my Author Connect Miscarriage Blog, or browse through my book for free. (Link will open in a new window).]]> Welcome http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=525 Sun, 13 Apr 2008 07:45:22 -0500 http://miscarriagehelp.com/index.php?itemid=518 Hello Everyone,

I'd like to get your opinion on something. First, let me give you today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue: "You have the power, with your focused intention, to create a career that is rooted in your life's purpose." Also, let me say that for any of you experiencing the aftermath of miscarriage, my heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

Some of you may know I have a couple of greeting cards published. I am so thrilled about this and pray it continues to happen.

However, there's one sentiment I wrote for you-and women and their families everywhere. It deals with the loss of baby to miscarriage. It's a sympathy card for someone who miscarried or had a stillbirth.

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I'm a card person by nature. Yesterday was my nephew's birthday and I got him a couple, not one, cards. If there were another that struck me, I probably would've bought it. My family's always been a card family: the 'mushy' kind of card and always one or two very funny cards.

When I wrote and submitted a poem for consideration as a sympathy card for miscarriage and stillbirth, I knew I was taking a risk. But, life is about taking chances. My guts told me a miscarriage sympathy card was needed. Let me give you an example: A woman came into the shop my friend owns. I wasn't working that day. She asked my friend if there were any cards that dealt with the loss of a child "in embryo." My friend asked her if she meant miscarriage, and the woman said yes. Long story short, there weren't any cards. My book was there and yes, a great help for which I'm grateful. But, it wasn't a card. You see, my miscarriage book, I Never Held You, is very helpful and comforting, but it's not something you necessarily give right away. A woman who has miscarried may need a little time to absorb what's happened.

Some people need the book right away. Others need time. We all grieve at our own pace and know when we are ready for any kind of step.

A card stating how sorry you are for the loss of your baby to miscarriage and/or stillbirth is different. It's a short sentiment from the heart that lets a woman and her family know they are loved, cared for, and most importantly, validates a woman's loss and grief-her family's, too. It says, (in short), "Your miscarriage is real and I know you've lost a baby you loved. I am deeply sorry."

Now, I don't know if my card will be published. I can tell you out of all the cards I've written that are under consideration, this is the most important one to me.

I'd like to know from you: Do you think there's a need for my miscarriage sympathy card?

If you have the time, please post your response. Believe me, if you don't feel there's a need, that's okay. If you do, fine. All of your responses are valuable.

I'd just like to broaden the responses I've received. So far, everyone has said they feel there's a need for this card. I know there are cards like it somewhere out there. I don't know if they are readily available in stores, bookstores, etc. That is what I'd like to see because it's all part of my mission: helping women and their families who have suffered through miscarriage. I do so through my book, this site, and hopefully a sympathy card.

Thank you for your input.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you all,
Ellen

Lorrie says:

hello Ellen,

it has been some time since i have written but i still read weekly. I wanted to respond to your question about the sympathy card. I think it is a wonderful idea considering that a friend of mine has just lost their 8th baby. They have decided not to try anymore and i really wanted to get them something ( like a card) to let them know how sorry we are and how we will be here for them. Not everyone knows what to say (right or wrong) and sometimes if it is already in black and white, they feel it has to be appropriate. I feel more people would think to send a card to someone if the card exists already. I think most people really do care but don't feel it is safe or appropriate to send a card cuz it is just not a conscious thing about miscarriage. If people don't talk about it, it must mean that no one should. Unfortunately that is how society is pertaying this loss.Back in the day, people would not address or talk about a gay relationship (even though not all except it)now we have companies that offer domestic insurance for couples. it just starts with acknowledgement and then we can take bigger strides. "The Sympathy Card" is the acknowledgement we just might need to get that ball rolling. I am proud to have the chance to express to you how important your journey is, and proud to be able associate myself with this website. You're are truly an inspiration to all. God Bless
Lorrie

Teresa says:
I think that a sympathy card for miscarriage is an excellent idea. Miscarriage is such a lonely and personal experience, and because of that people often do not know what to say. So, having a card that is specific to the miscarriage can help both parties. The person giving the card will feel like they are being specific to the concern, and the receiver will feel validated.

On a side note about miscarriage, I had a big day yesterday, as I think the grief of it all just finally hit me. I think I had been holding back quite a bit and was trying to be strong about it all. I made a big step and actually called my doctor to just say I was having a bad day, and also had a great conversation with my husband. It was very therapeutic. Noone can quite understand how a miscarriage feels unless they have gone through it.

Thank you Lorrie and Teresa. Your words of support about a miscarriage card are much appreciated. Teresa, I am so sorry for what you're going through right now. Please hang in, and know we are all here for you. It's very difficult when the grief after miscarriage hits you all at once. It feels like a wet cloak has been placed over you and it's so, so heavy. Thank God you were able to talk to both your doctor and your husband. Support, as you know, is so critical to our healing and simply helps us feel better- a bit lighter.

Lorrie, I am glad to hear from you again, and thank you so much for touching my heart as you always do. I am proud to know you, talk to you, and have your words help women on this site as they have. You inspire me.

New: Sue says: 4-22-08
We are a 3 Doctor OB-GYN group in Green Bay Wisconsin and I am looking to buy some cards concerning miscarriage. Unfortunately, miscarriages occur far to frequently and we would like to purchase some quality cards to give to our patients to console them. Please contact me.


UPDATE ON THE MISCARRIAGE SYMPATHY CARD:
Hello Everyone,

Blessings to you all today. I have some exciting news to share, but first, here is today's angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue: "Each moment in prayer is like a coin put into a bank account."

Well, I asked some time ago if anyone thought a sympathy card written specifically for miscarriage was good idea. The response was great, and everyone I heard from thought it would help both the person giving the card, (they'd actually have a card addressing the loss of miscarriage), and the woman and her family who suffered the loss.

Well, I am very happy to report that one of my sentiments is now being considered by a major greeting card/publishing company. I can't say who, but will let you know if it gets published.

I can't express how important this is to me. When a sympathy card addressing the loss of a baby to miscarriage is visible world wide, awareness is heightened. I cannot give up, and this could be a very major step in reaching one of my goals- for you, me- all of us who have taken a rather cold swim in the scary sea after miscarriage. A miscarriage sympathy card will give people the words they need to convey to women and their families after miscarriage. I've been praying for this to happen and will continue to do so. You've all have helped so much in sharing your hearts on this site and with each other. YOU have shown the world how deep the sting of miscarriage runs and have demonstrated the need for more support.

Let me say to all of you, I am so sorry for your loss and wish you much light, love and healing.

I pray we have a card that'll say the same to those who need it very, very much. We'll have to wait and see...

God Bless,
Ellen

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