Dear RAQ,
I’m sorry for what you’re going through, and I know what’s like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.

I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you’re living...I was the SAME way).

Because you’re dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don’t beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you’ve got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there’s a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you’re treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.

Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you’ll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.

Those who love you, RAQ, LOVE you because you’re you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It’s like a heavy cloak you want OFF.

Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are, RAQ. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend’s husband used to say. "One bite at a time."

With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,
Ellen

Dear Suzan and Connie,
I’m writing to you both because I got your comments at the same time. I am SO sorry for your losses and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Your miscarriage is still so new, and you’re deep in grief. Please allow yourself that. It sounds like you both have people around you who are supportive and I am grateful for that.

Being here with other women who have lived the same does indeed, make you feel less alone. I know it doesn’t take away the pain, but in some way the connection we form- our bond if you will- provides ALL of us with a level of comfort. At least we know in our hearts we are not alone in our feelings, our pain. This knowing creates something inside and gives us strength, if only a little.

The Internet has opened doors; allowing us to express to those who KNOW what we may have kept pent up inside. It’s so important to let your feelings out.

If your faith is strong, it certainly helps a great deal. Connie, your image of your Daddy holding your little one brought tears to my eyes and I understand the comfort you take in this. To me, it’s a reality and your father is with your little one. (I am also sorry for the loss of your Dad).

Suzan, I realize your twelve-year old knows what you are going through and hates seeing you in pain. I thank God you have a loving family, as does Connie, surrounding you.

The women here at MiscarriageHelp.com have become an extended family of sorts. Our connection to each other is magnified by our experience, sadly that of miscarriage. Yet, out of our sadness a unity and a trust is formed. We know our sisters are praying for us, and we for them. We have walked the painful walk, and can now hold hands as we take steps down the path to healing. It doesn’t matter if they’re small steps. We take them together.

You will be in my heart and prayers.
Blessings to you and yours,
Ellen

(Kristy, continued)
What to do? What I can suggest is finding some time for just YOU. This time could be used to gain some balance in your life. I know you are a busy person, but spending time each day reaching towards a place of healing is worth it. You are worth it and so is your family life.

Before doing anything else, I gently suggest to you these things to help you find a stepping stone towards healing rather than staying in the same painful spot you are in. I’m not saying it’s easy, but some balance would help you. I found myself spiraling for some time after my miscarriage until I found ways to get some ‘positive’ into my life again. It was mostly to do with changing my thinking. When I changed my thinking, I began to feel my life change, too. I won’t lie to you and say things will change overnight. But, they will change for the better if you allow yourself the time you deserve and need.

If you’re willing to try some guided meditations, perhaps in the morning before anyone’s up, or in the evening when the kids are in bed, they are a tremendous help. Put some headphones on, give yourself twenty minutes, and listen to a beautiful guided meditation like The Healing Waterfall or Meditations for Inner Peace, Calm and Joy. It’ll be such a relaxing and mind-shifting experience for you. Your body will also calm and when your body is calm, you’re better able to heal. The mind, body and spirit work in accord.

Anything that takes your mind off of your difficult situation and allows for creative and positive energy to enter your life is great for you. You don’t have to listen to a guided meditation to regain some balance in yourself. An exercise CD, some knitting, (I just learned how), focusing on something with your full attention-all of these things I view as forms of meditation. Thoughts will enter your mind that aren’t so great, and that’s okay. Let them be and then gently send them away. It’s not realistic to clear your mind completely, to me. Just do your best. Garden if you want. Find something that involves only you and just do it. You don’t need a lot of time, but twenty minutes of YOU time is very important.

As far as your husband, I have found through my own experience that men seem to want to fix things, including us, and when they can’t, they feel terrible about it. It’s as if they don’t know what else to do and get very frustrated with everything. One thing I will say is that you need a sympathetic ear, and someone who simply understands why you are crying and allows you the freedom to let those tears out because when you do, you’re making room for good things to enter into your life once again. Holding them in never did anyone any good. Emotions left to fester turn into things like stomach problems, headaches, tense muscles, trouble breathing, being snappy, feeling generally ill and depressed.

Support groups or a therapist are also great ways of aiding your healing. Sometimes, talking to a person, or people, who don’t know you or judge you is easier than talking to those who are very close to you. I found this true with myself, and also see it in the postings on this website. You just need to be heard and your feelings need to be validated. You’ve suffered two losses, each needing to be grieved separately. That’s a lot to work out and there’s no shame in finding someplace, or someone, to vent to.

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. If you find yourself having "one of those days" again, know you are always welcome here. You are always heard here and you are cared about, thought of and supported more than you may know.

Blessings, Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

On New Year’s Eve my husband and I found out we were pregnant. It was a shock but we were so excited! Then on Valentine’s Day we had a miscarriage. I had had some problems with spotting but everyone, including my OB-GYN, assured me that eveything was okay. At my 8 week ultrasound the baby only measured in at 6 weeks but they saw the heartbeat and everything looked normal. They said I conceived later than I realized. At 11 weeks I had the miscarriage. The doc said that the baby stopped growing at 6 weeks, died around 9 or 10 weeks and then I miscarried.

This happened over 4 months ago and I am still daily reminded of it in some way. My brother and his fiancee just had a nother child. They already have a son who is 18 months old. Sometimes I get so mad because they didn’t even want kids, yet they have 2. My husband and I want 4 kids and we lost our baby. Most of my friends and imeediate family have brushed off the whole situation, like I shouldn’t feel hurt or upset. They don’t realize how much I loved this baby. All I have ever wanted is to be a wife and a mother. If I can’t even take care of and protect a baby inside of me how is this ever going to happen?

Luckily my husband and my best friend have been wonderful and very supportive. But it never fails.....everyday I think about the baby that we SHOULD be having. I can still see the ultrasound pic in my mind’s eye. I think of how far along I would be right now. When I see pregnant women or young children I am always on the verge of tears.

Will I ever get past this pain? I have always had a fear that I won’t be able to have children. When we got pregnant, these fears went away. But now they are worse than ever. Right now my husband and I are waiting to try to have a baby because of financial hardship. But I am already 26. I feel like we are never going to be able to have the family that we want. All of these feelings are really overwhelming. I could really use some advice. Carolyn elphabaherself@hotmail.com

I just had a premature birth with my daughter at 16 weeks due to fibroids that i was unaware of. Apparently i have three that my doctor could see, one the size of a lemon. I am very sad and depressed about this especially reading about other mothers that had fine healthy babies while suffering from fibroids. Just leads me to believe even more that it was my fault and somthing could have been done. If i were more aware? If i had made them give me a ultrasound whenever i felt somthing wrong. Im so ANGRY.....i wanna scream.....its not fair....why can everyone else have their baby and not me?? what did i do wrong? I am worried that this will happen again and i will not be able to have children. i want to start trying to conceive again but when i think about it i realize i cant replace her and that i dont want any other baby i want her! I cant get out of bed...i dont even eat...i cant take a shower....im afraid to be alone in the shower...she was always there with me...i would look to see how big i was getting...wash my little lump...its not fair...i want to get over this....but then again when i do start feeling a little better..(which goes away very quickly) i feel guilty...like im forgetting her..i dont want to forget her..but i dont want to hurt anymore...thanks for letting us write....does anyone know of any natural way to keep these fibroids at bay so i can have a successful pregnancy? Something i can take while pregnant? I know that the fibroids got bigger due to the hormones and blood supply during pregnancy. If there is something out there natural i can take to level those hormones so the fibroids wont grow bigger with out hurting my unborn child. dont know if anyone knows..im afraid to ask my doctor...dont know what she will think of me... thank you,Christina Villegas.christina@gmail.com

OK, tomorrow will be a week since I lost my son, Daniel. I am still having a hard time with it, as are my husband & 6-year-old son. We’re all pulling together...my husband tells me he’s here for me forever, no matter what, & my son rubs my belly & says, "Bye bye, baby. I love you." They both pat me on the back & let me cry when I need to.
I have taken a few steps to remember Daniel. His loss date will be remembered every year, as, although his life was brief, I feel it should be remembered. He was a son, a brother, a nephew, so there is no reason to act like he didn’t exist.
My husband bought me a Footprints ring. It has "It was then that I carried you..." inscribed inside, & will have "Daniel, 2007" on top. I also got 2 new charms for my Italian charm bracelet which will have his name.
I’ve learned that this is the new "normal" for us. Our minds always carry back to the son we’ll never see. Every day @ 3 p.m., I have the onset of a breakdown.
My son, TJ, has become so much more precious to me since this happened. He is my world, & is the reason I get up in the mornings now.
It’s all about one day at a time right now. I also understand that the pain will always be there. I do not want to forget Daniel. Suzan owllady95@aol.com

I’m am so glad that i found this site. Things are going a little better It has been 1 week since my miscarriage. I own a bagel store and all this week my customers have been bringing in cards to say how sorry they are for our loss, I think it’s really nice but i sometimes have it hard to hold it together. the crying I have been doing is very overwhelming but I am trying to take it day by day the same with my husband and to girls. I wish all of you the best. Stacy thebagelshoppe@frontiernet.net

Hello Everyone,
Sometimes I am amazed how our planet is so slow to change. It will soon be 34 years since my husband and I had our little Adam at 26 weeks. And, as many of you know, Adam lived a few hours and passed into Spirit. And, even still so many of you write to say that people think you shouldn’t talk or have to grieve the loss of a baby, a pregnancy you so wanted and dreamed would bless you with a special child.

I have to say that it is "nonsense" to pretend you have not lost something precious. The most important gift you can give to yourself is to honor and acknowledge the baby who "didn’t stay". Please don’t let anyone convince you that you should hide your feelings and just go on. This will only slow the process of finding meaning in life once again.

I would be happy to talk with you further. My email address is provided here.

You must honor and bless your own feelings and the reality of your child. Then and only then will you and others come to know that hiding our feelings is not the answer. We must be true to ourselves. And, who knows, that little Soul who was hovering with you as you carried your baby for however long...may choose to return later as your child, grandchild, niece, nephew...or whomever.

Love and Light, Dr. Linda Backman.
Dr. Linda Backman LRBackman@aol.com www.RavenHeartCenter.com

My wife and I have struggled with infertility for three years. We somehow managed to get pregnant in November and miscarried in January. We felt extremely isolated from our friends who were all pregnant or having babies. To add insult to injury I overheard the wives of two of my friends at a recent gathering discussing how our "situation" makes them uncomfortable because they can’t discuss their kids around us. We visited all of our friends to welcome their babies and my wife attended all of the baby showers. We never speak of the miscarriage around any of our friends. I am doubly hurt and have severed these friendships of ten years. My friends refused to apologize when I confronted them about what their wives said. My former best friend even told me that he felt I was jealous of his baby son.
Despite all of this we have battled back and are in the midst of IVF. I / we feel alone and I am still consumed with grief from the miscarriage in January. I feel hopeless. I try to rely on my faith, but I struggle to get through the day. I have a hard time finding meaning in everyday life. I try to stay positive for my wife, but I feel down all of the time. Bill calistyle@gmail.com

Hello Ellen and all of you here,
I am just a mess, but reading your stories has made me feel like I am not going through this alone. When my fiance found out I was pregnant, we split up because I wanted to keep the baby. It was terrible and happened just after I was about 6 weeks along. We discussed children and decided to wait, but he just did not want to be a father now and was forcing an abortion down my throat. When I realized I just couldn’t, we were over.

My friends and roommate have been extremely supportive during both my break up and my miscarriage, which happened a week ago when I was about 10 weeks.

I feel like I’ve lost everything and don’t know how to pick up the pieces.

Thanks for listening and I wish you all the best with your pain and healing.,Adriana

Dear Raechele,
First, let me say I am SO sorry for your loss...for your pain. Please believe I, WE, are all here for you.

When you miscarried, you were about as far along as I was. It doesn’t matter how far along in terms of how much you love your baby, I just wanted you to know.

Also, you’ve walked this road before, and I can certainly understand the double pain going on. If I could be there and just give you a hug, I would.

Taking things a day at a time is all you can do. Dreading going back to work is normal. Look what you’ve been through. Of course you dread it.

Going back to work, or resuming your life in a ‘semi normal’ way doesn’t mean you are moving on and forgetting your baby or your pain. It means you are doing what you have to while grieving at the same time.

It’s okay to live and grieve. What other choice do we have? It’s tough, but the only other option is to curl up and hide from the world and that would not be healthy for you or those you love at all.

You’re NOT losing it. You’re in a great deal of pain, and you’re afraid. YOU ARE GRIEVING. Please ALLOW yourself that, and if you feel you ever need to talk to someone who doesn’t know you, like a counselor, do it if you can. Sometimes, feelings are more easily expressed when you don’t have any personal connection to the one you’re speaking to. I know this because I’ve done it.

You’re right about drinking making it worse. Drinking to bury your emotions only serves to magnify them--making you feel more heartbroken than you do now. I’ve not done it, (drinking away the pain), but have certainly witnessed it. It’s a SCARY place to go, and I’m glad you’re not going there. It would only add to your suffering.

Venting is actually a very important step in healing. It may not feel like much right now, but letting the words out here at MiscarriageHelp has done something for you: You’ve released some pent up emotions and you felt safe doing it. You also knew the women here would understand your pain. I am so grateful to God that you found this site. We do understand and care about you very, very much.

Seeing pregnant women and babies everywhere is something I battled with for YEARS. You know what? I still do sometimes. Because I have no children, I feel the pains rush through me when I let myself feel the emptiness of not being a mother. It was far WORSE after my miscarriage, and for a different reason. When you see women who are pregnant, or have babies, of course it’s a reminder of the precious babies you lost to miscarriage. Don’t beat yourself up for that. It’s a feeling that hurts, but one you will eventually step away from. Right now, the pain is too raw to place any expectations upon yourself. The only thing you need to do is to allow yourself to feel and focus on healing. Remember, one day at a time. It’s all you’ve got to work with, but each day brings with it great hope and promise. Eventually, you will see and feel it again.

Healing after a miscarriage never means you will forget your baby, or babies. It means you’ll come to a point where you’ll be able to live your life and smile again. That takes time, as with any loss and the grief associated with it. We just don’t bounce up again quickly like nothing happened after we miscarry. It takes time to adjust and to arrive at a point of acceptance. You deserve that time. Remeber, acceptance does not mean you’ve forgotten your baby.

There are so many women who know exactly what you’re feeling and how deep your pain runs. I know it doesn’t take away your pain, but at least you know we are sisters in spirit who have walked the same road. No matter where we are along the path to healing after miscarriage, we can hold each other’s hands and offer support.

Please come back to us whenever you want, and if you just can’t seem to get ‘unstuck’- please consider talking to a grief counselor. I know it’ll help you over some pretty tough emotional hurdles.

Blessings to you,
Ellen

Dear Charlotte,

I am so sorry for your loss, and I know the agony you’re feeling in many respects.

Being around babies was torture for me, so I certainly know where you are coming from. Being in the same room with a baby, (and I love babies as I’m sure you do), was too much to take. Being around pregnant women also ate away at me.

Also, I tried to find blame within myself.

Right now, your feelings are all over the place. You’re grieving- and with that comes the terrible numbness. You almost feel like it’s somebody else’s life. Then, you’re hit with such deep pain and sadness you can’t help but be aware you suffered a miscarriage- and almost can’t believe it.

These feelings I know too well, as do so many of the women who have shared their hearts and walked the road. It’s a scary place to be, and I can only say that you are supported and cared about by all of us here.

One thing I’d like you to think about is this: If you knew why you had your miscarriage, would it take any of your pain away? That’s something I had to struggle with, and finally came to the realization that even if I had all the answers, it wouldn’t bring my baby back. It took a while, but I stopped blaming myself. I’d like to gently suggest you try and do the same. It was not your fault. You did nothing wrong. I say this with deep empathy.

As the days go on, you will find yourself slowly coming back from the darkness. Until then, know we are all here for you. Please give yourself the time you need to grieve and heal. It’s different for all of us, but please know in your heart there are people who you don’t even know, who care about you very, very much.

Sending you Love, Light and Healing prayers,
Ellen

Where all babies play in Heaven"

Hello Everyone,
I felt inspired to write this song/poem for you. When something like this happens, I need to just let the words spill out. I hope it brings some comfort and healing to you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Today’s angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "You are supported by the same energy that holds the planets in the sky. If God can support the huge planet Jupiter, He can certainly do the same for you."
Love and light,
Ellen

Your pain is so deep,
and I really want to reach you.
The tears fall like rain,
for the one you called your own.

What can I say,
to help you in this moment?
What can I do,
to make you see the sun?

All I can offer is my heart.
All I can say is that I’m sorry.
I’m forever by your side,
through this long and stormy ride.
Just keep believing as the days pass by...
That I will never leave your precious side.

Is there anything,
I can do to help you?
Can I ease the ache
within your broken heart?

I hope it helps to know,
I’m here no matter what.
I’ll carry you,
when you’re not feeling strong.

And, I’ll whisper a prayer for you
to God in all His Glory.
I’ll ask the angels to come to you
and tell you their sweet story.
There’s a special place in Heaven,
and it’s right next to His Throne.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they’re not alone.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they’re not alone.

Maybe one day,
when you’re feeling better.
You’ll feel a gentle breeze
brush across your face.

You’ll feel your baby’s kiss
carried by winds of Heaven.
You’ll feel your baby’s love
deep inside your heart.

And, I’ll whisper a prayer for you
to God in all His Glory.
I’ll ask the angels to come to you
and tell you their sweet story.
There’s a special place in Heaven,
and it’s right next to His Throne.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they’re not alone.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they’re not alone.

Copyright 2007 Ellen M. DuBois


I was just wondering if anyone else has been in the same situation that I’m in. On December 9th, 6 weeks and 2 days ago, I had a miscarriage. I had it natural and at home with my parents and my boyfriend by my side. It’s been really hard trying to let go and "move on". I think about my little Ben everyday! We were only 15 weeks along but already we had dreams and plans and now I’m not sure what to do. I feel numb! It takes me longer to process thoughts and I cry alot. My boyfriend’s sister in law just had a baby and I had to make myself go to the hospital. I cried all the way home. Now, his family is wanted to through her a baby shower and they want me to have it at my house! I can’t do it! It’s not that I don’t like them! It’s just that I don’t know if I can handle that! Does this make sense to anyone? Am I just being self-centered?

Please Help! Cindy,clsworldagent@hotmail.com

Dear Christina,
I am so sorry for your loss, and hope with all my heart that you’ll please stop blaming yourself and feeling guilty over your miscarriage. I know it’s tough to do, but please believe it was not your fault.

I, too, have fibroids and have talked at length with my doctor about them. There are some cases I’ve been told where women have no complications during pregnancy due to fibroids, while in other cases there are complications.

Where I’m not a doctor, I can’t say much more about it. I do know the fear, however.

Fibroids scare me, too. I’ve have one that’s pretty large on the left side of my uterus. The only way I can find out if it’s okay at this stage of my life to have a child is to talk to my doctor.

Please don’t be afraid to speak to your doctor. It sounds like you need to and I don’t believe your doctor would judge you at all. There’s nothing to judge!

You haven’t done anything wrong, and are in very deep pain. You’ve got a lot of healing to do, and on top of it all you’re very scared about your situation with the fibroids. It seems to me the best route would be to speak to your doctor because the more you know, the better off you are.

I’ve also heard of cases where, for some reason, fibroids get smaller or stop growing during pregnancy. I think it can go either way, but again, I’m no expert.

I wish you much healing, comfort, and understanding by those around you. If you ever want to come back to vent, please do. Your feelings matter, as does the little on you lost. Again, I am so sorry for all you’re going through. Remember to take it one moment at a time, don’t place blame on yourself, and believe that in time, you will heal. That doesn’t mean forgetting your baby- it simply means you’ll heal and won’t hurt as much.

Blessings to you, and I do hope you find out all that you need to know about your fibroids so you can begin the next step on your journey.


Dear Myrna,
I am so sorry for the pain you’re going through, and am glad you are supported by friends and family. That’s so important, yet I know the feeling of tears which seem neverending. Mine were, too.

During this time, where you’ve just miscarried, please treat yourself gently. Your grief is strong- and each day is a step towards healing. Some days are harder than others; and on those days, please don’t view your tears as a setback. You’ve suffered a monumental loss, and my heart and prayers are with you.

If you ever need to come back to vent, please do. Sometimes, letting it out makes you feel less alone in your grief. I know it doesn’t take it away...but you are supported by those who know you, and those of us who don’t but know what you’re living.

Peace to you and yours,
Ellen

Dear Bill,
I am so sorry for your loss, and please extend that feeling to your wife. If not in words, through your heart and thoughts.

Your loss is difficult enough to get through, and it sounds like both you and your wife did everything humanly possible to be available to your friends as they celebrated their own pregnancies--all this while you were grieving & struggling to become pregnant. To overhear a comment made by two of your close friends about being ‘uncomfortable’ around you and your wife must have hurt deeply.

One thing I will say to that end is this: I have a feeling the two women who are uncomfortable around you and your wife feel so because THEY have issues... They carry feelings of discomort because of their perpspectives- not due to anything you have done to make them feel as they do. I imagine they feel very guilty and believe being around both you and your wife hurts you both. Now, the man who refused to apologize, and the one who said you were jealous of his son...Those words hurt. I simply can’t understand why they acted as they did. It’s very, very sad to know your friendships have also been lost, but I do understand WHY you felt the need to cut your ties. However, you are grieving both your miscarriage AND your friendships- two major losses. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts and prayers.

Your friends have their own paths to walk...

Your strength is very touching. You are there to support your wife while you, too, are grieving. That’s a very full plate, and questioning your faith because you’re essentially drained to the core is something many of us do. I will share my opinion, (and that’s all it is), by saying right now you could use the strength your faith provides more than ever. Carrying this weight around alone is quite overwhelming. Think about this if you will: You’re trying to be strong for your wife who is in deep grief; You are also in deep grief; You don’t have your close friends to talk to about any of it because the relationships have been cut. Those three things equal a tremendous amount of stress and heartache.

We can’t walk the path of others, we only have our own. You and your wife are walking the path to healing and recovery after miscarriage together. You are walking the path through the very diffcult IVF world, too. Even at that, you feel things differently because you are each unique. You have each other to lean upon- a blessing in any relationship.

Please try to release any feelings of anger or hostility about your friends to God. It’s too much for you to carry along with IVF, your grief and the support you give your wife each day. The Universe- or God, will take care of everything and perhaps you’ll feel some of the weight lifted from your shoulders. Maybe you won’t feel as alone, either.

Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you can come back anytime to share your feelings. Sometimes, just letting them out helps. I pray for your dreams to come true, and for joy to wash through your lives and heal you both.

Remember, one step at a time. This applies to your grief, and to your IVF. You WILL get through this and come out where there is light. For now, please take the support, understanding and empathy that I, along with all the others here, offer you.

Blessings, Healing and Light,
Ellen

Dear Nancy,
The "Everyone thinks that I should be ok now they say "what you don’t know won’t hurt you" attitude may be said with every good intention, but I can see it’s hurting you, as it would, (and did) me. I feel for you so much, and remember the day distinctly when I was told just one day after my D&C to "grow up and get over it". You are going through such a tough time now- you are grieving the loss of your baby. Whether others realize that or not, it’s YOUR truth and you have every right to grieve. Actually, it’s a process that you have to go through in order to escape the nightmares. I’m certainly not speaking as a doctor, but can tell you as one who has lived it that nobody should ever dismiss your pain. If they continue to do so, please try and realize that they just don’t get your loss and tears. When I miscarried, all the hopes, dreams and wishes I had for my baby vanished, too, in one horrible instant. I pray for you, and send you all the love and comfort in the world. There will be brighter tomorrows, I promise. Will you forget your baby? No. That’d be impossible. But, in time, you will heal and see the blessings in life again. There are some very helpful articles right on this site by Dr. Backman, and if you have the time, I suggest you read them. She’s lived it, too, knows your pain, and is a professional Grief Counselor and Psychologist. She really can help you.

Love and Peace,
Ellen

I just miscarried the second of my twins this week. We had learned at my first prenatal appointment, at 7 weeks 5 days, that I’d been pregnant with twins, but that one of them had died. The other baby, though, had a strong heartbeat and I was assured that it would be ok.

When I went in for my routine appointment last week, at what I thought was 12 weeks, they couldn’t hear the baby’s heartbeat. An ultrasound revealed that it had probably died just two days after we’d seen it last, and that my body had been carrying around a dead baby for almost a month. I had the D&C on Wednesday.

I find myself really angry. When we learned that the first baby died, I comforted myself with the fact that at least I had one healthy baby still growing. I wish now that if I had to lose them both, that I would have found out all at once, instead of believing and hoping for a month that the other baby was fine.

The doctors have been kind, but seem unconcerned that I lost this pregnancy. I have a 13 month old daughter, which apparently means to them that this loss was a fluke. But it makes me nuts not knowing exactly what happened. The hardest thing for me so far has been accepting that we’ll probably never know; that, and wrapping my mind around the fact that I won’t feel my baby kicking me in a few weeks, or experience his or her first cry, or cuddle a newborn this summer. Sarah. reneas@hotmail.com

Dear Dulcy,
I am glad you found us, and am so sorry for what you’re going through. Much like you, I lost my baby Alex nearly sixteen-years ago this week. You know what? I still cry over it. Please know that you’re not expected to ever forget, and even if you feel you’ve healed, it does not mean you won’t have times when you’ll cry and feel the longing for your precious child who is in heaven.

Yes, we understand you, and care very much about what you’re living. Through the words of those on this site, we come to an understanding that we are truly one- connected by a thread of pain we wish didn’t have to be, but is. We are also connected by a thread of love and hope- and I thank God it’s there for us to grab on to.

As you remember your baby, don’t place any expectations upon yourself. And, if there’s somebody close to you, please don’t be afraid to express your feelings. It helps SO much to let them out. That’s why this site is here; and that’s why God made friends.

Blessings to you, and remember we are always here.

Ellen

To Ellen: Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer. I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun. I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside. Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I’ve been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me. I know that I am going to be okay, but I can’t find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can’t find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don’t want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again RAQ mrs1994@optonline.net

Carolyn, I agree with everything Ellen said, and just wanted to add reassurance that the pain will lessen. All of our experiences are a little different, and we all deal with grief differently--but all of us feel a great deal of pain from our miscarriage. It is an experience that cannot be fully described to those that have not gone through it. Once you have gone through it, it is as if you have entered this new world that is completely overwhelming and unexpected. The key thing I learned is that your body and mind feel that miscarriage no matter if you want to feel it or not--it is a very strong sense of loss.

My path through the grief of miscarriage took many turns. I started out very sad and frustrated, then thought I was doing okay until the medical aspect of my miscarriage was completed. The full grief hit me right after that, and I felt such angst and pain. I cried and prayed to God to give me hope, peace, and joy back in my life. I then literally felt God tell me to talk with a specific someone in my life, and our conversation made such a difference in my life. It was a message of hope and reassurance that reminded me that the loss I suffered was big but that my life was still continuing. And there was no reason to truly believe I couldn’t try to conceive again.

I will warn you that even when you get past the difficult grief, it is easy to feel a lot of frustration about getting your body back to normal, wondering if you will become pregnant again, etc. When I was going through that stage, I just kept remembering that God works in His own time, and I just need to have faith in His journey for me.

Hang in there. Feeling your grief is key, and as you begin to live your life day by day your days will eventually become more normal again. It is a new normal because we all grow and change from this experience, but peacefulness will come again.

The other thing that was really helpful to me was to find the positive in what happened to me. That sounds crazy and impossible when you are still in much pain, but over time you start to see your personal growth and the good things that happened along the way. For example, it might have brought you closer to people already in your life or brought new people to your life. Perhaps you became stronger and kinder. I am certainly not much of a journal-er, but I found that writing down the various things I learned through the experience was very helpful. It gives me a bit of perspective when I need it.

Lastly, I took a lot of walks in order to have some time to myself to absorb everything. There were some walks that I cried the entire time, but I have to tell you all of that walking was like therapy to me. The combination of exercise, time to think, and fresh air is very therapeutic. Teresa herky5@msn.com

Thank God for this site.
Right now, I am PRAYING for all Mothers & Families who have experienced this pain.

For Ellen: You Are GREAT, and God is pleased with your loving heart towards His people. Lifelong Blessings for You and Yours.

On Sat. April 7, 2007 my life hit the lowest point. I m/c at 12 weeks. I had an u/s(abdominal)&(transvaginal) 4 days earlier and the techs could not detact a heartbeat. I still had faith that the baby was alive and well. The techs saw an empty sac that measured 7-8 weeks. I was assured nothing was to be worried about. I was rescheduled for another u/s 1 week later. My doctor took more blood work the following day to make sure my HCG levels were elavated properly. My levels had dropped. I was given in pill format Methergine to take for uterus contrations to help with the passage of My Beloved. I remained at home from work last week crying myself to sleep or looking at the walls. I have a 12 year old son, he understands what has happened and is very hurt. This baby was my Husband and I dream team baby. My Husband is just torn apart. However, he still finds the courage and strength to hold me up. I’m weak with grief right now. Thinking about my child and my recently deceased Daddy. My comfort is thinking about how my Daddy is holding my child in Heaven. This mental picture gives me a little warm smile deep down inside of me. When I can’t find the strength to smile. I’m not sure how soon we wll try again or if we will. However, I’m now open for adoption options.

Lifelong Blessings To All. Connie connie.anderson@hotmail.com

Dear Wendy,
I am so sorry for the pain you’ve been through, and am very glad you felt comfortable enough to vent here. The feelings can be so overwhelming after miscarriage, I know. It’s as if they consume you on some days. I agree with you that miscarriage changes your life- changes you as a person. It changed me, too.

I also feel for your husband, and wish you both light, support, healing and blessings.

I relate to both your feelings of loss, sadness and feeling depressed after miscarriage and to possibly not having another child. I suppose we never know what’s down the road--and sometimes doors open we didn’t know existed. I train my brain to think that way because I believe it to be the truth, and I’m 40 and don’t have a child yet.

Along with the loss of your baby, it sounds like your poor body went through some rough seas to add to the fallout after miscarriage. I’m glad they got your headaches under control, and for the fluid pills also helping. I’m no doctor, but am glad you’ve got one who gave you the physical care you needed.

The emotional part is the tough one, as you can attest. I wish you didn’t have to know what it feels like, but I give you so much credit for your strenghth. You have, throughout all of this, been able to care for your 2 year old. I know you may say, "I ‘ve got no choice." Well, speaking as the aunt of a 2 year old, there’s a lot of love and a whole lot of work, too. Please be gentle to yourself and give yourself a pat on the back for being a great Mom who needs a little time because she’s hurting.

I’ll keep you, everyone here, in my thoughts and prayers. Your miscarriage wasn’t that long ago, and you’re still grieving the loss of your baby and all the hopes, plans, dreams and wishes that went along with your new little one.

Peace to you & yours,
Ellen

Thank you all for your stories. I mniscarried my second baby over 2 years ago, and I’m still having periods of time when I don’t think I will ever stop crying. This started again for me yesterday, so I went searching for some help on the Internet, and found this site. As I continued to read, I felt that finally someone knows what I’m feeling. Then I realzed that tomorrow is the due date for my second lost one. I know that no one else will remember, and I can’t bring it up because I feel like people don’t want to hear about it anymore. At least I can share with you all, and know that you understand. Thanks so much. Dulcy dzeneski@gmail.com

Dear Carolyn,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know the road you’re walking is full of pain, grief and yes, some resentment. Please don’t feel bad about this. It’s perfectly normal and I felt the same way. Every day there seemed to be something that caused me to remember the baby I love who decided to go to Heaven. Even when there weren’t reminders, I thought about him all the time...still do, but it’s a bit different for me now because it’s been a much longer time since my miscarriage.

You are dealing with so many fears, and I truly feel for you. You mentioned that you’ve always been afraid of not being able to get pregnant. I don’t know why you feel this way, but I want to gently suggest releasing that fear because I believe it’s harming you. Maybe you need to talk it out with someone, and that’s okay. There’s no right or wrong. If you can’t get past this fear, and really feel stuck, I think, and it’s only my opinion, it’d do you a world of good to find out why you feel this way. I’m not talking about your miscarriage. I know that’d make you fearful of another pregnancy- please don’t misunderstand. I’m referring to the time before your pregnancy.

You know, there isn’t any time frame on your pain, and I’m sorry for this. I know your longing...that ache you have inside to just be a mother and hold your baby. I have felt that ache for years and still do because I’m childless. I pray your dreams of having a baby come true. Try to believe with all your heart and soul that they will. It may be hard to do so right now, because you’re still grieving and then comes healing.

So how do you heal after miscarriage?

While there certainly isn’t any magic formula, and we all grieve and heal at our pace, I’ve found certain things help. One thing I know for sure is that your feelings matter very much, and letting them out as you did here, is a part of your healing. Keeping it all in only causes more pain, anxiety...fear.

I found my faith to be a tremendous help while I was deep, and I mean DEEP in grief after my miscarriage. Later, I found meditation, (guided meditiations on CD), music, (playing it, listening to it), exercise, (a walk, yoga, etc.),allowing myself to feel and releasing any guilt over my miscarriage, helped me heal.

I don’t ever expect that you’ll forget your miscarriage. A part of you left, and you loved your baby. What people often don’t get is that you had hopes, dreams, plans, wishes...you name it, all for your baby. After your miscarriage, you still wanted those things. Your desire to be a mother never went away. But, your heart must heal because your baby, for whatever reasons, was lost to miscarriage. I do believe your baby’s soul, or spirit is very much alive, but I know it’s hard to take comfort in that right now.

Take things a moment at a time. Then, day by day, week by week, month by month you’ll find your feel planted on the road to healing. One day, you’ll find that you didn’t cry. You might not even realize it right away. There’ll be some setbacks, but please don’t view them as going backwards. They are very different things. There are going to be better days for you, but on those days when you, for whatever reasons, find yourself crying again, please go easy on yourself. You’re human and have every right to miss your baby and to want to have a baby.

The resentment toward your brother and his fiance is hard to deal with. I resented two very good friends when they told me they were expecting on the VERY day I lost my son. I wanted so much to be happy for them, but was so caught up in my own pain and a sort of numbness, that I couldn’t FEEL it for them. I wished them the best, but it hurt. Just like you hurt. It doesn’t make you a bad person, and they aren’t bad for having children.

You’re just wondering when it’ll be your turn, and I totally get where you’re coming from.

Please be patient with yourself and know I am always here for you. This site and all the people who have shared their hearts are here for you.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

Blessings, Love and Light,
Ellen

Hi All,
let m start by saying "THANKYOU FOR THIS SITE". It is hard to write through these tears so I apologise if there are any mistakes. I lost my 2nd baby on Easter Sunday 2007 I was 14.5 weeks ( i misscaried my first at 9 weeks). I had to have an ultrasound the next day (easter Monday) to confirm there was no heartbeat. I remember laying on the table thinking "the baby will be alright this cant happen a second time everything will b fine", but somehow knowing deep down something was terribly wrong. I asked the sonographer if he could see the baby and he said "oh i am just looking". I then asked"can you see a heartbeat?" and the look on his face told me before he got out"sorry at this point there seems to be no heartbeat" My husband came over to me he had ben watching the screen and just huged me. I was numb i did not talk did not cry i was a robot. The next day I had to have a D&C and go through the contractions with no pain medication. I layed there before the surgury and just cried. I was not suppossed to be going through this the only time i was suppossed to be in hospital with contractions was when i as having my baby. I have had two weeks off work but dread going back, its like if i go back i am moving on and i cant move on i am in the worst pain of my life and it is getting worse. Everyone keeps asking me if i am ok an i appreciate them being there but they say "talk to me tell me what you are feeling" and the thing is I can not express what I am feeling I am a complete and uter wreck. Everywhere I go there are pregnant women or babies everwhere and I can not handle that. I am at the point where I have considerd drinking my pain away but relise that will only make it worse. I DONT KKNOW WHAT TO DO!!!!! I want another baby so bad but am affraied it will happen for a third time. Sometimes I think if god was going to take this baby away why let me fall pregnant in the first place, why, why would he do that???? I am crying all the time and feel like i am losing it. I feel alone and lost. LIek i can not talk to anyone as they dont understand
Thanks for letting me vent. Raechele Banfield raechelejosh@optusnet.com.au

Dear Suzan,
I am so sorry for your loss...Daniel is so clearly loved and missed.

I am thankful your family is so supportive, and your precious six-year-old is right there for you, too.

You’re right about the new "normal". Life changes after miscarriage; after any loss. I think many who haven’t lived through the loss of miscarriage don’t quite understand just how deep the sense of loss and grief are after miscarriage.

It’s only been a week, and the breakdown you mention- oh, how I remember those happening to me. As I stand upon the anniversary of losing my son sixteen-years ago, I can’t help but think of him and yes, cry. The tears are less now, but he will remain in my heart forever.

You are remembering your son in beautiful ways: your footprints ring, your charm bracelet, all are ways to honor the memory and love for Daniel.

It wasn’t until I met someone online who makes memorial jewelry that I finally had something I could hold and wear in memory of my son. When my book launched, I sent her one and she made me a necklace with baby footprints on it and "Always in My Heart" on the back. I treasure it and wear it always. Her name is Sue and her site is http://www.myforeverchild.com.

It is about one day at a time- one moment at a time. Although the pain will always be there, it will become easier, as with any loss, to get through the day and then continue on with living. The road to getting there is full of twists and turns, many tears, and finally seeing the light of day again.

You won’t forget Daniel. He’s a part of you and I know you already know that.

I send you my support, loving thoughts and prayers.

Blessings to you and your family,
Ellen

Dear Ellen,

I just want to thank you for this site, and for your book. I received it from a friend about a week ago, and have been reading it ever since. I have felt SO supported by both you and Dr. Backman. You have helped me in more ways than you know. I think the biggest way is how you make me feel normal in my abnormal state. What I am feeling is okay, and I really needed to hear that from someone. I am very thankful for Dr. Backman’s writing. She has helped me to open myself up to grief and made it clear that there’s no right or wrong way to grieve- as long as you go through it. She is wonderful.

Reading the words of women here, and those in your book has helped me through one of the toughest times of my life. I don’t know where I’d be without all of your help.

To the women here, I really feel what you’re going through and have cried reading all of your stories. I do feel connected to you, and know that we all will get through this terrible loss.

Thank you again. Sue,candlelady@candlefair.com

Dear Casey,
I’m definitely feeling your pain. I lost my baby 3 days before Christmas. We were just starting our 4th month. I hang around a very pro-liferic group of people. All of my closest friends are pregnant. Last week I went to a potluck with about 6 other families. There was only one other mom who wasn’t pregnant and she had a baby. I was just feeling utter sorrow. Later my husband even said he wanted to crawl in a hole.
All of my friends are very compassionate towards me and let me voice how I feel. They ask me all the time how I am doing. It means a lot just to know they understand. I’m so very happy for all their babies, I just feel deep, deep sadness. The hardest ones are the pregnant mom’s who are do in July, when our baby was due.
Having a miscarriage is so much more painful than I could have ever imagined.
Last Saturday I went to my hometown to visit and saw several old friends. A few asked me if we were going to have anymore children. It was painful to talk about. I just wanted to concentrate on happy things. But, their support was very geniune. Don’t be afraid to tell others, especially when you’re having a bad day. It’s okay to cry. I do it A LOT!!

God Bless you, I will pray for you.
Julie nursejulie@catholicexchange.com

I just wanted to say that I love the fall as well. There is something about that fresh crisp air and the pretty leaves that feel like such a fresh start.

I have responded in this site a few times as I was dealing with my miscarriage journey. I have some news I have been wanting to share but am hesitant because though it is good news it is not the type of news that is best to share here. But I really appreciate all of the helpful feedback you give everyone, including myself, so I wanted to share the news with you.

The news is that I am 14 weeks pregnant, which is very exciting. Though I will say that a person that has experienced miscarriage can never experience pregnancy in the same way as someone that has not had that experience. You truly lose that innocence that allows a person to experience pregnancy with few fears. I am thrilled to be doing so well, but I admit that what I went through before is always in the back of my mind. My focus is to remain calm, positive, and hopeful, but I admit to many fears and worries. Which I know is normal--how not to worry when you have experienced loss in the past?

Miscarriage puts you in a sisterhood of sorts. You can relate to the pain, grief, and confusion that we all go through. It still breaks my heart to hear of women losing their babies because I know how painful that is. I just always try to remind myself that God is in charge of my journey and that is a good thing

Thank you all for sharing your stories. You are all so courageous and have given my heart comfort that there are people who understand how I feel. Through many tears, I have found solace in your stories.

My husband and I lost what would have been our 1st baby 4 months ago at 7 weeks. I am learning that there has to be a way to live in the paradox of the deep pain I feel for our loss and the excitement I feel for the many people around us who are expecting. I think that it is ok to live in this place. Some days are good and some days are not. And it is ok to be like this.

I look back at the night when I realized that we were losing the baby. I remember very invasive ultrasounds. I remember physical pain throughout the night. I remember asking myself if I should flush the toilet or wake up my husband. I remember asking myself, "What would you do with it if you kept it?" just before I flushed. I remember physically feeling like I had been run over by a semi-truck when morning finally came. And I remember being angry that all the doctors I had throughout the whole process were men and had no idea what I was going through.

Reality settled in when we came back from the doctor the next morning and my husband and I began to pray. I just wept. We read Job and told God that we know that He gives and He takes away... yet His name is to be praised. At that moment I felt two very different feelings: 1)Something was definitely taken from me and I was left empty and 2) God is good and He was already holding me and my husband and that he was the only one to every hold our baby. His comfort was already there.

Now here I am today - 4 months later- and bawling my eyes out over a comment from a friend. (Which is what led me to Google "help for miscarriage" and to find this page.) I know that she has no idea what to say that would comfort me and that she was trying her best. But nonetheless, it still hurts when people dont’ get it. I know that we will be great parents when our time comes. I know that I should be thankful that we still have lives that exist beyond 7:30 and the freedom that comes from not having kids. I know that I will eventually heal. And I definitely know that there are other options out there if things don’t work. I just really wish we as women knew to listen and not speak.. that it was just common knowledge and not something that only those who have gone through a miscarriage are privy to.

Wow... that’s probably the most I’ve said on this topic in a while. I feel a bit of my burden lifted. Thank you for this forum. It is a place of healing.

As I continue down my path toward healing, I wish you all comfort, peace, joy and hope. You are all so brave.

With empathy, love and gratitude,
Nicole agntgreenx@yahoo.com

Dear Adriana,

I am so sorry for your losses- both your miscarriage and your break up. You are grieving two losses at once, and that’s a very full plate.

One thing to remember is that each loss in your life must be grieved separately. We do grieve the ending of relationships. It’s so stressful, and even if you know it's for the best, (in this case, he didn't really want children), it does not change the fact that it hurts...a lot.

Now, you are grieving the loss of the little one you fought to much to keep. You loved your baby. I know how deep your love was and is.

I don’t know if you’ve considered talking to a counselor, but I’m tossing the idea your way because you've got so much going on at once. It's got to be tough sorting it all out, and your tears are blended for both the loss of your precious baby and your relationship. (I would guess...)

Please know you are not alone in this and I will always be here for you. I remember what it was like when my ex-husband and I split less about a year and a half after my miscarriage. I still felt like I was grieving two losses. With you, the time frame's been much shorter, so I can't imagine how overwhelming this must be.

I don't know what your beliefs are, but if you believe in God, a Source, a Power greater than yourself, you may want to try tapping into your spiritual self. You will find strength waiting there for you.

You also have the support of friends and your roommate. Thank God for that. To think of you with nobody around would break my heart. I know you still feel alone, but the people in your life who are supporting you are gifts. It does not take away your pain, but without them the road you’re traveling would be much darker. They bring you light.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and please let us know how you’re doing.

Blessings, Love, and Healing to you,
Ellen

Dear Teresa,

I am so happy for you, and your words are extremely compassionate towards those who have suffered miscarriage. You're so right on when you say that there is some fear lingering, (I'm paraphrasing), even though you're elated about being pregnant. My heart and prayers go out to you for a healthy pregnancy and baby. You have walked the road of miscarriage- know of the deep pain, and now I want you to celebrate the joy of being pregnant with all the positivity in the world.

Yes, it's God’s plan- I agree with you there. I also agree that your wonderful attitude about remaining as positive as you can goes a long, long way.

Our sisterhood is just that. We are bound by the journey we have all walked. It’s come to the point where I believe we are all reaching out our hands and hearts and walking hand in hand. Some of us are here to lend support and to extend a hand. Others are here because they are still at a point where they need a hand to grab on to.

We are there for each other in a profound way. The sad part is how we got to this point. The positive aspect to our adversity is the outreach we have built...one comment, one hand, at a time.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I thank you for sharing your news.

May God Bless you in all ways! Love, Light to you,
Ellen

Dear Teresa,
I am so happy for you, and your words are extremely compassionate towards those who have suffered miscarriage. You're so 'right on' when you say that there is some fear lingering, (I'm paraphrasing), even though you're elated about being pregnant. My heart and prayers go out to you for a healthy pregnancy and baby. You have walked the road of miscarriage- know of the deep pain, and now I want you to celebrate the joy of being pregnant with all the positivity in the world.

Yes, it's God's plan- I agree with you there. I also agree that your wonderful attitude about remaining as positive as you can goes a long, long way.

Our sisterhood is just that. We are bound by the journey we have all walked. It's come to the point where I believe we are all reaching out our hands and hearts and walking hand in hand. Some of us are here to lend support and to extend a hand. Others are here because they are still at a point where they need a hand to grab on to.

We are there for each other in a profound way. The sad part is how we got to this point. The positive aspect to our adversity is the outreach we have built...one comment, one hand, at a time.

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, and I thank you for sharing your news.

May God Bless you in all ways! Love, Light to you,
Ellen

Dear Ellen,
Thank you so much for this site. I found it while googling- trying desperately to find some help. The stories i have read have touched my heart deeply, and I pray for all of you. I don't feel nearly as alone as I did before coming here.

I miscarried what would have been my second child one week ago. I have been unable to do much of anything during the past week. When Labor Day rolled around, I passed on going to the family cookout. I just couldn’t put on a happy face. My husband and son went- and I wanted them to.

I am 43 years old and my son who is three was conceived through IVF. When my husband and I decided to have another baby, we knew there was a road ahead of us and the chance that we may not get our dream. We love our son so much and thought a sibling would be such a beautiful addition to our family.

At nearly 18 weeks I experienced such cramping. I was at home with Tyler, (my son) and sat down, called my doc. right away. I told her I’d drive myself in to see her and called my husband who was able to come home and watch my son.

On the way to the docs. office, (my husband decided he wanted to take me and watch Tyler in the waiting room) I felt this terrible pain and my pants were soaked. I knew I lost my baby. It was like I could feel the life leaving me. There are no words to describe what I felt, but I am sure many of you can relate to what I am saying and how I was feeling.

My husband called the doc. on his cell and she said to get me to emergency right away. There was blood everywhere. I cannot shake the nightmares. I tried so hard to contain myself because I didn’t want to scare Tyler.

I don't need to tell you the rest. My precious daughter was gone on August 26th. We named her Teresa and I had a D&C performed.

I don't know how to get out of this scary place I am in. I know it's only been a week, but I cry so hard all the time, (it seems) because I miss my baby girl so much. I’ve prayed for help and maybe finding this site was part of the answer to my prayers. The pain is no less, I just keep fighting to hold on and to realize my baby Teresa is in Heaven with God, and watching over my family.

I have never felt a pain run so deep, or missed anyone so much in my life.

Thanks for letting me go on and on. I’ve got to go get Tyler.

God bless all of you and I pray for your strength and ask you to please do the same for my family and I. Teresa

'Dear Casey,
While I can't speak to you as a doctor, I certainly can speak to you as a woman who has lived almost exactly what you have. The day I had the suctional D&C to remove my dead baby instead of waiting to miscarry, (under the doctor's advice), some friends flagged us down as we were driving home from the hospital. They were all smiles and didn't know I’d just lost my baby. "Guess what?" They said as we pulled over and rolled down the window. "We’re pregnant!"

I wanted to die. I tried SO hard to put on my best happy face and smile, congratulate them, to actually BE happy for them. But, you know what? It was tough and that's HUMAN. Indeed, I was happy for my friends, and wanted everything to work out. However, I wasn't even grieving yet- I was still in shock over the loss of my own baby and all the hopes and dreams for my baby.

So, don't beat yourself up. Go easy on yourself and realize that you've just suffered an immeasurable loss and you’ve got to go through a grieving and healing process. It'd be like losing a spouse and finding out your best friend fell in love and was getting married. It hurts, plain and simple, and I truly empathize with you.

You can be happy for your friend, but you can also be sad for you and give yourself time- day by day- allowing yourself to feel, grieve, let it out- mourn.

Don't expect so much of yourself. You’re not covered in armor, and sometimes I think we wish we were so the tragedies in life wouldn't get to us so much. It’s all part of being human, and someday you'll come to know once again that for as much as we hurt, we also feel tremendous joy.

I am here for you, we all are, and I wish you the best as you travel your road to healing. I have cried those tears- millions of them. I send you peace, love, and hope.

Ellen (Hugs to you)

I just lost my baby 2 days ago. I am still in the "process of elimination", as the doctors so kindly put it. My baby was 9 weeks & 2 days. I started bleeding Saturday, went to the E.R., & they did an ultrasound, which showed no fetal heartbeat. I am in agony emotionally. My husband has been wonderful, & all the thoughts & prayers from friends has been a blessing, but it still rips me apart inside.
I have a beautiful 6-year-old son who was born at 6 months, at 2 lbs. & 1/2 an ounce. He is my Saving Grace! I have to keep going for him. I still grieve horribly, though, for his little brother, who I will never see or hold. Every April 14th will be absolute misery & agony for me now.
Finding this site & reading the comments of others today has been a great blessing for me. Right now, I feel like I’m all alone, & it helps immeasurably to know I'm not the only one. Suzan owllady95@aol.com

Angela, please don’t beat yourself up for being a caring, wonderful woman who has some very painful feelings still living within her. You will never forget your miscarriages. You will never reflect upon them as a happy time. Of course not! When you lost your babies, you needed to grieve. I believe you did, and I also suspect you went on with your life and are doing a great job while much of your pain still lies within. The right trigger, like the birth of your niece, is all it takes to make your pain resurface.

Like I said, I have been there many times.

It's not up to you to have to show your family your perspective. They may never get it. It is up to you to decide whether you’re okay with the way things are now, or if you\d like a change within yourself. You can help yourself through counseling, meditation, positive affirmations, faith, and so on. You don’t necessarily need to go to a counselor to help you deal with your emotions. I've found GREAT comfort in guided meditations and in listening, for example, to Dr. Wayne Dyer, who talks of how we hold the key to changing our lives by changing the way we think.

I'm merely suggesting these things to you as they have, and still do, work for me.

I wish you much love, blessings, and light. You will find your way through this and come to a place in your life when your pain doesn't get in the way of something beautiful. Hold on to that, and thank you again for sharing your heart with all of us.
Ellen

Dear Ellen,
I can completely relate to feeling alone. After my miscarriage, which was over a year ago, I felt like the caring and concern, etc., lasted for maybe a week and then it was like it never happened. I lost my baby and the whole world, including my husband, seemed oblivious to my pain and grief. I hated the way I felt yet there was nobody who understood me or even treated me like a person who was grieving.

I feel very blessed in that I have a wonderful baby boy. He’s everything I ever dreamed of, but I didn’t forget the baby I lost. My miscarriage left me wondering why, even my own doctor, just didn’t get the pain. I believe with all my heart my baby was just as real as my son. The difference is, nobody got to see her. (I knew she was a girl).

I have learned so much about myself through this site. All the women here are telling my story when they share their own. I finally feel like I am not crazy for missing my baby so much, even though I was blessed to have a healthy pregnancy after my miscarriage. I will always love my first child, and will have a memorial of some sort for her.

She deserves it and so do I.

My heart goes out to all of you. Madeline

I’m new to this site. Actually I haven
t put anything anywhere about this. I recently miscarried at ll weeks. I was and am completely devastated. I know that I need to move on but feel paralyzed to do so. I have 2 beautiful girls who I am very grateful for but I even find it hard to do things for them and be there for them. I feel so very alone in my pain even though my husband listens to me and says he is there for me, he doesn’t really know how i feel or why I cry when I look at a rattle or why I can’t step inside my baby’s room. I plan on very soon burying the remains of the sac that I passed and planting a tree. does anyone have any ideas on what type of container I can use, or anything that would make this any easier, I cry when I think about burying it but I cant stand the thought of just throwing it away, after all it was my baby. Any help or comments would be appreciated.
April lsue_mama@yahoo.com

'Dear Teresa,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you are hurting very much, and it’s only been a week since your miscarriage.

I am glad you found this site-although I wish you never had to. We are all here for you and yes, we do understand your pain.

Through each other we gain strength. That strength comes from empathy, love, sisterhood and compassion. We encircle each other with our hearts, souls, and prayers. You are certainly thought of and prayed for. I will be sure to include you in my thoughts and prayers-your family, too.

I believe, like you, that Teresa is in Heaven with God and is watching over you and your family. It’s a strange thing, because even when you know that with everything you are, you still grieve. You are still human and miss your baby girl. Faith helps get you, me, us...through, but we cannot help but feel the loss and the pain. It’s how God made us-and having each other to lean on is critical to our healing.

I know it’s hard to do much of anything right now, and it may seem nearly impossible to see the real ‘you’ underneath all the tears. Right now, you have got to feel your pain because it’s got to come out. Keeping it all inside is far worse. I don’t want you, or anyone else to hurt. But, we do, and with faith and each other, you will get through this terrible time.

Allow yourself the time you need to grieve. I know it must be difficult to find the time to just ‘be’ with yourself and your feelings-having a son to care for keeps you very busy. But, when you do find those moments where you’re able to pray, cry, keep a journal, talk to Teresa, etc., please give yourself the space you need to do so. Grieving is never easy, but is essential to our healing.

While you go through the days, weeks, months ahead, you may find that you’re doing okay one day, and not so great the next. That’s OK. There is not a right or wrong here. Feelings have a way of ‘popping up’ when we least expect them. It happened to me all the time.

Plus, your hormones are all over the board right now. That certainly doesn’t help when it comes to getting some sort of handle on your emotions...or help in figuring them out. It’s like this up and down ride you’re on and my heart goes out to you. I remember the feeling well, and thought it would never end.

Please believe it will. Healing after your miscarriage does not mean forgetting your precious Teresa. It means you are able to get through the days and experience joy in your life again. It means you feel more like yourself and are able to laugh and smile once more. However, it also means there will always be a very special place in your heart, mind, and spirit for your Teresa. She will always be a part of your life and that’s OK.

The trauma of miscarrying is beyond words, as is the depths of the pain. I am so sorry you were with your little son and had to try so hard to keep it together. It must have been terrible, and I know it took a lot for you to be able to do the best you could.

Time is a great healer. I know it may sound like a canned response, but it’s not. It’s true, but time is something we must live through and experience. Your time is painful right now, but the pain will diminish OVER time and you will heal. You will remember. You will always love your baby.

Whatever path you and your husband decide to take, I will pray for you to once again be happy, healed and made whole.

Blessings, Love and Light to you and yours,

Ellen

'This was my first pregnancy. I had been wanting desperately to be pregnant after years of watching my friends and family get pregnant and have kids. I constantly feel as though people with children are displaying them as a prize. I feel like I am invisible. Everywhere I go I am constantly being pushed aside, ignored and trampled so the parade of happy families can go on. I feel so worthless an unimportant. I got pregnant in the beginning of Feb this year. I was ecstatic. Finally it was my turn. I found out on the first day of my missed peroid, just a faint line on an HPT. My fiance was happy, too. He was surprised and excited. We both told everyone we knew. Especially me, which hurts so much now because of how many people I had to tell about the miscarriage. On monday april 2 I passed some mucus and dried blood. I was almost 10 weeks. I called my midwife and she told me to come in that afternoon. She couldn’t get a fetal heartbeat from the doppler and scheduled an ultrasound for the next day. The belly ultrasound wasn’t clear enough, so the tech did an intro-vaginal ultrasound. The fetus had no heartbeat. After being delighted to see the baby on the screen I was crushed by a ton of rubble when the tech said there was no heartbeat. I’ve been devasted since and cannot get a grip. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I was given the option to have a D&C the next day or wait for nature. My fiance pushed for the wait it out method because he was scared for me to have surgery. I wanted to get the surgery because the thought of having it inside was too much. I took his advice and waited. I only made it 2 days before I called and sceduled the surgery, I had to wait a whole week before the surgery becuase I waited too long to schedule it in the first place. Now its like everywhere I go I’m constantly reminded of it and having big pregnant bellies shoved in my face. The surgery went well I guess. I was in an incredible amount of pain and bleeding bright red for over a week after the surgery. At around 9 or 10 days I passed some large peices of what looked like tissue then finally the pain and bleeding stopped. I’v been terrified of infection and compulsive about taking my temp and watching for signs of infection. I’ve been to see a counselor twice, and I know its early on but it doesn’t seem like its helping. I work as a nanny and it seems like every day at work I’m a wreck and I can barely function. I can handle caring for the baby, but all I can do for her are the absolute neccessities and I don’t feel like I’m doing a very good job anymore. I’m really losing it and I need help but I don’t know what to do or where to go. I wanted a baby so bad and I got to have it all taken away. Like I did something to deserve this punishment.

Dear Cate,

I am so sorry for your losses, and for all the trauma and abuse you’ve experienced. I can only say how much I care about you and while no expert on matters of rape or any abuse, I certainly know the pain of miscarriage.

The road you’ve walked is one of deep loss, violation, abandonment, abuse, violence and pain. I am amazed at your strength. Your ability to ‘write out’ your feelings and life experiences has touched me deeply. You are a strong, beautiful woman who experienced the nightmare of miscarriage, (three of them). You were raped and abused at a very tender age, and that’s the worst violation to a child. There are no words I can write on this site to describe how I feel about your mother’s boyfriend. I have to release them and pray that God and His universe bring back to him what he deserves. To that end, I hope you received, or are receiving some counseling to work through what happened to you. If not, please know there is no shame in seeking help. If it feels right for you, please do so. It’s okay. You’re going to be okay…

The losses you endured, your miscarriages, were all suffered while very young. Because of this, and the rape, it sounds like you weren’t able to get the support you needed and deserved.

Well, support is here for you now, in masses, and I hope sharing your feelings, perhaps for the first time in this depth, has released some of the very harmful and negative emotions inside of you. May this be the beginning of a healing walk towards recovery- from both your miscarriages, your rape and abuse.

You didn’t cause your miscarriages. In no way are you responsible for them. If you at any time tried to find blame within yourself, please release it. Blame and guilt only serve to hurt you, and more hurt is something I truly don’t want you to experience. You’ve had your share. Not that life will always be pain free. It’s not. But, there are certain things we tend to blame ourselves for, like miscarriage- even rape- and they are not your fault. They are never anyone’s fault.

I think you felt the need to tell your heartbreaking story because you HAD to get it out. Keeping so much pain and grief inside of you only makes you sick. When you hold negative emotions/memories in, they often manifest themselves in the form of physical illnesses: depression, anxiety, stomach problems, headaches, body aches, stressed out in general, and more.

I want none of this for you. I want you to begin to heal and go on to live a happy, beautiful life. Why? You deserve it. You deserve happiness, Cate, and I know you may find that hard to believe. But, I know it in my heart because your Creator wants you to be happy. So many people want you to be happy.

Before true happiness, healing must take place. You need to find those things deep inside of you which prevent you from feeling lifted. Right now, you probably spend your days going through the motions, living your life, but with a cloud over your head. That cloud is made of raindrops- raindrops from your life that are really your tears. Those tears must be shed so the cloud disappears.

I don’t know what your beliefs are- where you stand in terms of faith. If you believe in God, or whatever name you call God, please try to explore your faith. Believe me, faith has gotten me through…everything. Please listen to that inner feeling which only tells you good things, like trying to find support or simply asking God or the angels for some help.

Come here, whenever you want, to talk it out some more. Let it out and I will listen. The others here listen, too.

I promise you are not alone in this, Cate. You never will be.

You might want to consider a memorial service for your babies. That’ll give you some closure on your miscarriages. It could be something as simple as three balloons you let soar into the air. Watch them fly into the sky and know your babies love you, and feel the love you’ve always had for them. Write names on the balloons if you want to…I know you had Gwen picked out as one of them. I did this and it helped a great deal. I felt like I’d finally let go of the clinging I’d done to my baby for sixteen years. Yes, I still feel the pain and haven’t forgotten losing him to miscarriage. But, I gave it to God the day I set the balloon into the air, and gave myself some much needed closure.

Blessings, Healing, Love and Light to you,
Ellen

Dear Angela,
Thank you for sharing your heart, and I am so sorry for the losses you’ve endured.

I can relate to you on many levels. It’s been about sixteen years since my miscarriage, and my ex-husband truly didn’t understand my pain.

I found love again, but a relationship and the resurfacing of your miscarriage pain aren’t really connected, as least that’s how I see it. I am glad, however, your partner is willing to listen to you- talk to you.

I once heard of read somewhere this statement: It is more difficult to seek help than it is to remain where you are. Change is scary. Reopening painful memories is scary. But, what’s worse? That’s how I looked at life and myself when I, at one point, went to counseling.

It wasn’t even due to my miscarriage. After my husband at the time, decided to leave, ‘we’ went to a counselor. Well, that turned to be a one time event because he’d already made up his mind and went to pacify me, more or less. I, on the other hand, had many issues to deal with after our split and my anxiety level was so high I found myself going to counseling alone.

It was a very good thing for me. I didn’t like to talk about that which hurt, yet I found tremendous comfort and help in sharing my deepest feelings with somebody who didn’t know me and was completely unbiased.

When my sister had her first child, (my beautiful five-year-old niece), I experienced so many conflicting emotions and felt extremely guilty because of it. My mind kept going back to my miscarriage and all the "why not me’s" in the world. I still hurt so much over the loss of my baby and not having one. When I helped plan and went to my sister’s baby shower, I found myself happy and sad at the same time. I needed to ‘step out’ for a moment several times to avoid bursting into tears at what should have been such a joyful event.

I knew I hadn’t resolved my feelings about my miscarriage. It was clear every time I saw a mother and child; walked down the baby isle in a supermarket and wanted to cry; saw a pregnant woman; went to my OBGYN and read the letters posted all over the wall from women who had successful pregnancies and were thanking my doctor.

I think you get the picture.

You are very right in that it does get easier over time. You don’t forget your miscarriage, rather, you accept it as a painful part of your life and live your life with your miscarriage being a part of who you are today.

Right now you’re dealing with something I’ve been exposed to three times within my family. I bonded immediately with my niece, my great-nephew a year later, then my nephew the following year.

With each birth, I was full of happiness and joy, loved the babies so very much, and also felt a pit in my stomach because I ached so much for a baby of my own. With each birth my feelings of elation over the miracle of life itself were tainted with the memory of my loss.

I have certainly walked your path and feel very deeply for you.

I found a way to allow the joy of a baby enter my heart and it enabled me to embrace my nieces and nephews with open arms. You are not a bad person if you’re having a tough time with this. You are human and there’s a lot of pain still stuck inside which is preventing you from being able to bond with your new niece. There’s no shame in that. You just need a bit of help so you can deal with your feelings which are probably suppressed.

As I’m not a doctor, these words are coming from my heart and really aren’t a professional opinion. They are simply my opinion- a woman who has felt so many times much like you do.

I am a believer in this: Tears make room for something better to enter your life. If seeking help to get you over the hurdle of your miscarriage and every emotion tied to it makes you cry, (which I’d guess it would), your tears are there for a reason. It sounds to me like they need to come out and when they do, you may find yourself beginning to heal rather than suppressing your grief.

I know even thinking about it is frightening...but please do yourself a favor and think about it. Just toss it around in your mind a bit. If you decide to get counseling, it will be YOUR decision and nobody else’s. Family and friends may be trying to help you, but making you feel selfish doesn’t help at all. I know their intentions may be good, but what you’re going through isn’t selfish in any way. It’s very, very difficult and others just don’t ‘get it’.

I found writing about my miscarriage to be an emotional ‘purging’ of sorts and it helped me deal with the pain of my own miscarriage. Now, since the beginning of this site, I’ve found so many women have a need to purge their own selves of deep, painful emotions through the written word knowing there are others reading them who understand what they’re going through.

Hi - I have had 2 miscarriages, one 10 years ago this summer and the other 8 years ago. I went through tremendous depression after the first (made worse by the fact that my husband at the time didn’t want the baby) and subsequently contemplated suicide. Our marriage later broke up and I was lucky to find love with a great man who has made great attempts to understand my pain and help me through it. Unfortunately we also lost a child after 12 weeks within the first year of our relationship. While I have struggled to manage the depression (without recourse to drugs) and got it to a manageable level (with recurrances mostly restricted to anniversaries), I have suffered quite a severe setback with the birth last year of a niece. My parents don’t understand why I can’t embrace her and be a loving aunt and this is causing problems in our family relationships. I am trying to make my own relationship with my niece, and improve that with my brother, but am being made to feel that it is my problem to deal with and for me to come to terms with, ie I am in the wrong and acting selfishly. Reading the comments of the other women on your site has made me feel I’m not alone and I would like them to know that it does get better over time and with love, support and inner belief you can get your life back on track. While it never goes away, you can feel joy and happiness even over small things. My partner and I have made the decision not to try again as I fear how I would deal with another miscarriage. I have also realised that what is difficult to deal with does make you stronger, its a cliche but in my case I believe it to be true. Friends I have made since are surprised when I tell them my history and have said they would never have guessed this had happened to me, so I am getting something right. I am determined to get through this new situation with my family but it has reopened memories in my mind I would rather not revisit, and my partner and I have talked endlessly about it and I am worrying about being obsessive about it again. My mother (who I have a difficult relationship with) has suggested I go for counselling but I am fearful of opening a pandora’s box and being able to deal with the consequences. At the time of my first miscarriage, I was made to feel that I should get over it as worse things happen, and like one of the other ladies, my sister-in-law gave birth in the same month as my baby was due. I am sure I suppressed my grief at the time which is why it recurs (and has recurred with the birth of my niece). I guess what I’m looking for is your guidance on whether you think I should be brave and try counselling (which does scare me) or carry on building a relationship slowly with my family while trying to make them understand my perspective. Thanks for reading this and my heart goes out to everyone who has suffered the pain of such a loss. Angela angela212whittle@btinternet.com

I lost my baby last Thursday. I was 5 weeks along with our first child when I started spotting. I asked other mothers if this was OK and they said that was common, as long as it wasn’t like a normal period. I went to school the next day(I’m a teacher) and it was heavier. I called my doctor and they sent me to the ER for tests. I was so scared. They checked my blood,did ultrasounds, and sent me home telling me it looled like my cervix was bleeding which was common. The ER doctor said nothing gave them cause to worry, but she’d like me to see my doctor to recheck my hormone levels because they were extremely low levels. I went home feeling somewhat confident that Grant would be fine. (We felt he was a boy and called him by name a lot.) My mom took me to my doctor the next day because my husband had missed work the previous day. I really didn’t think he’d need to be there. The nurse asked for my urine sample and then I knew. There were huge blood clots and tissue in my urine. My doctor came in and confirmed my miscarriage with an exam. I had to sit alone in the room knowing I had lost my baby and then go have my blood drawn once again. I thought what’s the point? I had to go into the waiting room to see all the babies and pregnant women. When I got home I had horrible cramps and it made me sick to think that was my body getting rid of my baby. Everytime I would go to the bathroom, it makes me feel like I’m inhuman flushing my baby down the toilet. I am really having a hard time dealing with this-esp. since it’s our first baby. I hate it when people say you can have another one. This was a child. If your child dies at age 5 no one tells you you can just have another one. I wish there were more ways to get help. It seems like so many people have experienced a miscarriage, but there’s really no help for us. I appreciate sites like your’s where you can talk to people who understand you. I hope I can have another baby, but it still won’t replace Grant. We love you buddy! Lyndsey.

Dear RAQ,
I hope I can find the right words. I am so sorry for everything you’ve been through including the loss of another baby. I cannnot even imagine the mental and physical anguish you’re living. I pray for you; to be comforted, healed on all levels; and surrounded by the loving touch of angels.

I also thank God for sparing your life.

How do you awaken from this nightmare? I don’t know. I know you must open your eyes after sleeping a bit and wish it were all a nightmare- not real. I know you must then realize what’s happened actually did, and you want somebody, anybody, to pinch and you say you’re only dreaming- everything’s okay. So sadly, that’s not the case.

You have these days now to take one at a time. Moments to focus on your healing. It must be so difficult because you’re grief has begun yet again, and your physical self must hurt so much your mind is taken over by all of the pain.

It seems a cruel joke, I know. In my heart I know it’s not a joke to God at all, but I also know you’re wondering when this dark road you’ve been on is going to be light again.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I can only offer you that and the hope of there being a brighter day coming to you. Please cling to that; the love you have for your husband and daughter; and the love and caring others have for you. I wish I were there to listen to you. To hear whatever you have to say and then just give you a gentle hug.

When you are physically healed, you may want to talk to someone professional to help you through your journey towards emotional and spiritual healing. Perhaps, you won’t need that kind of help but if you do, there’s no shame in it. None at all.

I know you can’t see it now and I understand why, but you will be you again. Yes, a changed you because experiences like the one you’ve lived through change us. We can’t help it. Although the same person, we are a in constant state of flux and change. You won’t forget this baby or terrible experience, nor your first baby and miscarriage.

I ask all who read this to say a pray for RAQ if you are so inclined. I believe in the power of prayer and in that power being magnified and multiplied by the number of people involved. RAQ needs all the positive energy she can get and it doesn’t matter whether she knows you or not; sees you or not; hears you or not. Prayer is an energy that derives its power from the ultimate Source. No matter what your beliefs, please reach out to that Source and ask for emotional, physical and spiritual healing for RAQ.

If you feel a gentle touch across your face which gives you a feeling of knowing and comfort, perhaps it is an angel letting you know they are there with you during this time and at all times.

Blessings to you. I won’t stop sending you healing light and praying for you. Each day, each moment, you are healing even if you don’t feel it. Please come back when you’re able and let us know how you’re doing.

With Love, Sympathy and Blessings,
Ellen

Dear Marie,
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You’ve been down the painful path of miscarriage twice, and I know it’s hard to find the strength to simple get throught the moments, never mind the day.

Even amidst your pain, you offer sympathy to those who have suffered the same. Bless you for doing so.

I am thankful you have a wonderful husband and three-year-old. I know you are, too. Yet, the pain of miscarriage is almost like a separate entity. As with any loss, you take comfort in your family and friends, but the grief doesn’t go away.

Only your doctor can say if there’s something causing your miscarriages, but I do understand the fear of trying again. Living through yet another seems an impossible thing. Right now, I think you have to absorb what’s happened and heal. The road to healing is often full of ups and downs, which I’m sure you know. Believe with your heart that you’ll be in my thoughts and prayers as you take each step towards your healing and recovery after this miscarriage.

There’s nothing you did to cause this, and it’s not your fault. I know in your heart you probably realize this, yet for some reason we all seem to wonder if it’s us. We ask ourselves if there’s something we could have possibly done to cause our miscarriage, and that adds greatly to our pain. I pray that you come to the knowing that there’s nothing you did to cause your miscarriage, and you’ll have one less obstacle on your path to healing.

As you know, there’s no forgetting the pain of miscarriage or the precious baby you never got to hold. I’d never suggest to anybody to forget their miscarriage. So, when I say healing, I mean just that. It’s like any loss. As you heal, you begin to function better and feel more like ‘you’- but you certainly don’t forget.

I am thankful to God you found some comfort in this site. I believe we all need a safe place to vent, share, whatever...among those who understand with everything they are, the pain you are living. I do, we all do, and our support for each other is not to be discounted. The power in numbers is great, and collectively, my heart, everyone’s heart, goes out to you and to each other.

Please take care of yourself during this time, and at all times. I hope your doctor can help you determine whether it’s safe to try again. I have heard stories of women who had four, even five miscarriages in between children. Personally, I don’t know how they withstood it, but give them so much admiration for their strength. It must have been so difficult.

I, and everyone here, are with you in thought. Please hang on and allow yourself one day at a time to heal. There’s no time limit on grief. Sadly, you must go through whatever it is you’re feeling. As long as you allow yourself to feel, you are letting painful emotions out so they can’t fester in your body.

And, yes, new emotions will come and sometimes the cycle may seem endless.

But, it’s not. Just give yourself the time you need and allow yourself to feel. Again, I am SO sorry for your loss and you’re welcome here with open arms and hearts any time you want to release your emotions.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
Ellen

I recently miscarried...it would have been my fourth child. Our youngest is now 7 yrs and after much discussion we decided to have a tubal reversal. It never took me very long to get pregnant with my first 3, but this one took 3 months, and ended in 3 days, at 6 weeks. We never told our other children for fear of something like this happening. I never thought it would happen to me. I feel sad, distant and often withdrawn, just out of the blue. It was only a 6 week old embryo, but it was our baby to be. I too am afraid of trying again. I can’t bear the thought of going through that again. What’s worse is that I think it was a twin pregnancy, and that is what we were hoping for. Now all I want is a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby. chris thelanggang@gmail.com

I just wanted to say that I love the fall as well. There is something about that fresh crisp air and the pretty leaves that feel like such a fresh start.

I have responded in this site a few times as I was dealing with my miscarriage journey. I have some news I have been wanting to share but am hesitant because though it is good news it is not the type of news that is best to share here. But I really appreciate all of the helpful feedback you give everyone, including myself, so I wanted to share the news with you.

The news is that I am 14 weeks pregnant, which is very exciting. Though I will say that a person that has experienced miscarriage can never experience pregnancy in the same way as someone that has not had that experience. You truly lose that innocence that allows a person to experience pregnancy with few fears. I am thrilled to be doing so well, but I admit that what I went through before is always in the back of my mind. My focus is to remain calm, positive, and hopeful, but I admit to many fears and worries. Which I know is normal--how not to worry when you have experienced loss in the past?

Miscarriage puts you in a sisterhood of sorts. You can relate to the pain, grief, and confusion that we all go through. It still breaks my heart to hear of women losing their babies because I know how painful that is. I just always try to remind myself that God is in charge of my journey and that is a good thing. Teresa herky5@msn.com

Tomorrow will be four weeks since I lost my little one. The baby was a total surprise to my newly blended family and the news brought out many mixed emotions ranging from fear and anxiety, to happiness and hope.

It took awhile for it to sink in and we were finally coming to terms when the bleeding started. The process was physically and emotionally draining and my heart hurt for all the other mothers who had been through this experience before me.

Today, almost four weeks to the day, I think about my baby often and have to fight back my tears.

My experience left me confused and looking for answers. When I went to the ER the doctors and nurses didn’t talk to me about what was happening and didn’t tell me what to expect after I left their care. I went home with no pain meds, and no idea what was going to happen in the next few days.

Medically I was taken care of, but emotionally and mentally none of my needs were addressed. I didn’t know if my physical symptoms were normal, I didn’t know if I should be worried about the amount of blood I was losing. All these concerns weighed heavily on my mind and made the process even worse.

I don’t know why today I miss my baby so much, but I do. Maybe it’s my hormones, maybe I haven’t kept myself busy enough to distract me, maybe I’m just tired of pretending I’m ok so others won’t feel uncomfortable around me. Knowing whatever the reason may be does not change the fact that all the signs of being a mommy to be are gone and on March 17th my arms will be empty; empty like my heart feels today, almost four weeks to the day since I lost my baby. Kristi

I am glade that I found this site, now I don’t feel so alone. I had just made 10 weeks on 10/22/06.I was at work on Monday 10/23 and I started to bleed a little. I immediatley called my doctor and she told me to come in right away and take a blood test. The told me that I would get the results the next day so go home and rest. I went home and a few hours later I used the bathroom and I noticed that the blood got a little heavier and more red. I knew then that I was in trouble.I went to the emergency room and they stated that the u/c showed that I was only 5 weeks pregnant. The doctor stated that either my dates are off by five weeks or miscarriage due to a blighted ovum. I then knew in my heart that I was no longer pregnant. They want me to come in for more blood test to see if the numbers have went up or down. I am bleeding now and it looks like I am passing tissue. I looks like I am going to be having a natural miscarriage instead of the d/c. It has been so sad for me and I really want this to be over so that I can get over this. My family is really supportive and they have been really trying to bring up my hopes, but when I’m alone, I cry endless tears. This was my first pregnancy and I was really looking forward to having a baby. I want to try again but I am really scared. Treacey

I am really needing to talk to someone. I just miscarried my baby on July 4 and am really having a rough time. Please reply. Hannah hillsoftenn@yahoo.com

Dear Hannah,
Please know my prayers and thoughts are with you, and I’m so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you’re in, and the fact that you miscarried on a holiday makes it, in some ways, more difficult- (although it always hurts). I am going to try and reach Dr. Backman, (I need to see whether she’s traveling or not), and see if she can respond to you with words far better than mine. Right now, it’s hard for you to feel much of anything but pain because it’s only been a few days since your loss. Like with any loss, you’re grieving and probably in a bit of shock, too. I know I was after my miscarriage.

Sending you hugs and loads of support. Please know I haven’t forgotten you and remember to take things one moment at a time.

I’ll send you this in an email, too, so you know I read you message, care very much, and will do my best to have more help posted on this site for you, and everyone who needs it.

Ellen

I’m writing you because of your comment on MiscarriageHelp.com. Ellen DuBois, the author of I Never Held You let me know of your need to talk. You may already know that I have added commentary in Ellen’s book and am a Licensed Psychologist. And, finally, I also have experienced the loss of a baby in pregnancy.

Talking is beyond essential when we have "walked the path" of experiencing miscarriage. Many will say that the "death" of a child is the most difficult ending we will ever know. Some 34 years ago I delivered a baby at 26 weeks and this child of mine died shortly thereafter. In some manner of speaking it was devastating. And, on the other hand I found that life shifted almost completely, and I’ve never minimized loss or valued life more highly since.

Please treat yourself with kindness and love as you are in the midst of an emotional storm which can be weathered if you reach out for help. Over time life will return to feeling solid once again, but you MUST honor your feelings.

I would be very open to supporting you in your steps along the way. Please let me know if this would be of interest to you. You can reach me by email and by phone at the number below. We could then discuss what would be the best plan.

Wishing you patience and gentleness....Blessings, Dr. Linda B

Linda R. Backman, Ed. D.
Licensed Psychologist
The RavenHeart Center
3140 Stevens Cir S
Erie, CO 80516
303-938-0292
303-604-1411 fax
_www.RavenHeartCenter.com_ (http://www.ravenheartcenter...)
_www.IBLRN.org_ (http://www.iblrn.org/)

"Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself, and know that everything in life has a purpose. There are no mistakes, no coincidences, all events are blessings given to us to learn from."
-Elizabeth Kubler-Ross

Dear Victoria,
I am so sorry for your loss, (both of them), and truly feel for you as do all the women here.

I hope and pray you are able to stop finding blame within yourself. Those words may sound easy for me to say, but I do understand why you’re doing it. I did the same thing.

It was only after a period of time that I realized it was not my fault. There was nothing I did to cause my miscarriage, and there was nothing you did to cause yours.

When you stopped feeling sick and were relieved, all I can think of is of course you were! When you’re feeling ill all the time while pregnant and it finally subsides, it’s a true relief. You didn’t know it was because your baby had passed on. You had no idea at all.

Guilt is one of those feelings that eats you up inside. I allowed it to, and suffered for it. My anxiety heightened, and my healing process was slowed greatly because of it. All of the what-ifs in the world couldn’t bring my baby back, and it took a great deal of reflection to come to the point where I realized my miscarriage was never in my hands...it was in a Power much greater than myself.

I’m not advocating that you blame God or whatever you choose to call the "Source" or "Creator". I am saying life throws us some pretty tough breaks, and for as much as we want to believe we control everything, we really don’t. All we can do is our best.

I know you’re grieving, and in your grief, you find blame. You search for it because you need answers, or think you do. Believe me, I was in the same boat.

My greatest wish for you is for you to begin healing and to let go of the notion that you are not ‘fit’ to carry a baby to term or in some way responsible for your miscarriage. I hate to see you torture yourself that way.

Blessings to you and your beautiful family. You will be in my thoughts and prayers.

Sincerely,
Ellen

Hello everyone here.

I went for a scan on the 29th January 2007 due to some staining and was told my baby had died. A silent miscarriage. I was 14+2 weeks. I lost my baby on the 31st January 2007 while waiting in hospital for a D&C (which I had to have on the 1st February due to extremely heavy bleeding) and it was a huge shock. I felt so sorry for the woman who had scaned me. She was heavily pregnant (34 weeks-I asked) and she had to tell me that there wasn’t a heartbeat (which I noticed myself) and that the baby was only measuring 11 weeks, there was no movement. I had a scan at my GP at 10 weeks and the baby was bouncing around and heart thumping away. This would have been my fourth baby but fifth pregnancy. I suffered a previous miscariage at 6 weeks between my second and third child but the devastation was nothing like I felt after this. It felt like my insides had been pulled out through my heart. Thinking about it hurts so badly and talking about it doesn’t help...yet not talking about it makes it worse. We had a funeral for the baby because I couldn’t leave it to strangers to decide it’s fate. That helped a lot and seemed fitting. The question I found myself asking was, what am I grieving for? The death of my baby or the death of all my dreams and hopes for the baby? It sound weird and even now I can’t answer it.

My husband and I decided we would leave it to chance on whether I fall pregnant again or not. We are doing nothing to stop a pregnancy but not actively trying either. I found myself hoping and dreading the thought of a pregnancy and actually panicked today when I thought I might have been pregnant. I did a test (AF was due today/tomorrow) but it came back negative upon which I was so upset it was stupid. I guess I am still a little mixed up. I am so afraid it will happen again.

Some days it feels like a cruel joke or a kick in the teeth that this has happened to me. I am 26, I have three beautiful children and have had no problems in conceiving the first two. My third we tried for three months, had my first miscarriage and then fell pregnant straight away. It’s like my body is showing me gifts and taking them away before I get to open them. I feel like I have let myself and my children down, a failure in pregnancy. I would just like to know what I did so wrong that I could lose two babies after managing to have three amazing children. I guess I will never know. People telling you that it’s not your fault, and deep down I know there was nothing that could have stopped either miscarriage, I still feel guilty I still feel it was partly my fault. I feel guilty for being relieved that I had stopped being sick when all the time it was because my baby had died. It was my responsibilty to carry that baby, to nurture it and let it grow and then deliver it safely into a world where it would have been loved. A responibilty that it appears I wasn’t fit for. I am hoping that should I be blessed with falling pregnant again I will carry the baby to term and I will thank God for every pregnancy symptom I get.

Take care everyone.

Victoria victoria_carpenter1980@yahoo.co.uk

Thank you for this site. I think I am still in shock. Last Friday, March 31st, we went to the doctor and found out that at 19 weeks, our baby had no heartbeat and had just passed away in the previous 48 hours. I was induced and two days ago, I delivered our dead baby. We both were able to hold our son, take pictures, and gather momentos. The next day, the priest came and blessed our son and we said good-bye and how much he would always be loved and missed.

Today is my first full day at home and I have never experienced this kind of heartache and pain. This baby was our 4th round of IVF. At 42, we will not try again.
We have a beautiful 2 year old from the 2nd round of IVF. People are saying that we should just remember that we have our son and that he was a miracle in itself. I know that is true, but today it does not lessen the pain I feel over losing this baby.

The grief wells out of nowhere when I least expect it. My arms and heart ache for my little buddy who is no longer with me. I just want my baby so badly. This pain is very isolating. This site has offered great comfort in my grief today and I thank all of you for sharing. Please know that you helped me today. Felice felice.taylor@cox.net

Dear Kim,
I am so sorry for your loss, and for how alone you feel. It must be so difficult for you right now. One thing, though...this was not your fault. If you need to repeat that in your mind often, please do it. I know without insurance a doctor’s office can be even more ‘scary’- but, please go and get checked. I remember I needed a shot because it wasn’t until after I miscarried that I found out I was RH Negative and had to have a shot. I don’t what state you live in, but I know many times people do qualify for free care depending upon income, etc. Believe me, I’m no expert, but can say you and your health are worth more than any amount of money. There will be a way.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Kim. Please take care of yourself, and you are not alone. Thoughts are energy, and I am certainly sending mine your way.

Give yourself time to heal, and again, please don’t blame yourself for your miscarriage.

Blessings to you,
Ellen

Dear Felice,
I can see why you are in shock, and am so sorry for your loss. The trauma of delivering a baby you know has passed on to the other side must be...just so immense.

You’ve walked a long road to pregnancy in that you’ve gone through IVF, etc. and to have it end this way makes my eyes water- as they do for every woman here.

I do thank God you have a wonderful, beautiful two-year-old, but, I also know it does not take away the pain of losing your precious baby. My mother lost my brother when she was seven months pregnant with me. It certainly did not make the pain of loss any less for either of my parents, just as with you.

You are a brave, beautiful person. You held your little one and I don’t even know if I could.

A friend once said to me, "Ellen, you will ALWAYS be your baby’s mother. Nobody can take that away from you."

You know, she was right. It took years for me to realize that although I never held my little one, or watch him grow up, etc., he was connected to me and I to him, forever. The same applies to you, and to all women here who have lost their babies to miscarriage, stillbirth, etc. I’m not trying to force my beliefs on you or anybody else. It’s just something I feel and am sharing.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. I ask the angels to surround all who have shared their hearts on this site and provide much needed comfort.

The road to healing and recovery after a miscarriage is not an easy one- as with any loss. By joining together and sharing our hearts, pain, feelings, we connect and can gather strength from the fact that together we stand a little stronger.

Blessing to you, Felice, and to all. I wish you peace, healing, and recovery- one day at a time. One moment at a time.

Come back whenever you need to vent. All are always welcomed here with open arms, extended hands, and hearts that truly empathize.

Sincerely,
Ellen

I wanted to take a moment to write and thank you. This site has been so helpful to me and is helping me through this. My newleywed husband and I recently lost our professional jobs and then I found out I was already pregnant. I’m 38 years and we were elated but we were more scared about security for future than normal and I worried about health coverage. My husband has another job and started work this morning - I miscarried yesterday. I’m numb, angry, sad, lonely and scared and at the same time I’m trying real hard to be happy and encourage and support him for his first day at his new job which was today. I don’t really want anyone to know what is going on but I wish someone was close by who cared - my family and friends are thousands of miles away and I don’t know anyone in this city. My husband is concerned and sad but I don’t think it’s having the same impact on him as it is me. I’m still passing tissue, it hurts, and I’m trying to avoid going to the doctor because we still don’t have insurance. I’m sure everything will be okay and perhaps we’ll try again but I’m so sad and I miss the baby. I feel guilty that it was caused by something that I did. I’m glad for this site. Typing this helps a little. I feel for anyone else out there who is going through this and my thoughts are with them. Kim admin@dotechnology.com

I can’t say more now, without dissolving into tears, but I do want to say how thankful I am that people out there are trying to make a difference, and to try and take away the "silent" stigma that goes along with Miscarriage. I feel so let down by everyone that until this past year, and two Miscarriages later, I had NO IDEA that it was so common. I had always naively thought that getting pregnant was the hard part, and that Miscarriage was rare. I just keep thinking "Why didn’t anyone tell me this could happen?" Not that it would have kept it from happening, but maybe people would be more understanding, more empathetic. Sam coffeeisforlovers@yahoo.com

Dear Sam,

I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you’re in right now. Please know that you’re in my thoughts and prayers. What you’ve said is the very reason I wrote I Never Held You and host MiscarriageHelp.com. The pain of miscarriage has been kept in a dark, scary closet for so long. While nothing can take away from your heartache, knowing we are all in this together with a thread of understanding bonding us, a degree of comfort can be found. Nobody wants to experience pain and grief alone. Nobody wants their pain and grief dismissed. If I had my wish, nobody who experiences a miscarriage would ever feel alone in her plight. I have found other authors and more miscarriage support sites. The Internet has opened doors which would have remained closed, and I’m thankful for that. Authors who have written about miscarriage are making a difference. Women like you, who are willing to share their hearts and heartache, are making a significant impact in miscarriage awareness and the need for support from families, the medical community and society in general.

God Bless you Sam, and please come back to MiscarriageHelp.com whenever you need to vent. That applies to all women who feel they don’t have a safe place to share their feelings. You are welcome at MiscarriageHelp.com with open arms, and open hearts.
Ellen

Dear Sarah & Melissa,
I am writing to you both because I read your comments at the same time, and was very touched by them both. I am touched deeply by ALL the comments here, and am so sorry for your losses.

I wish there were an easy fix to the pain of miscarriage; the longing for a baby; the feelings of jealousy towards women who are pregnant or have children. I’ve felt it all and then some, as you have.

Melissa: Getting married and having a miscarriage at the same time must have been extremely stressful. On one hand, you’re celebrating life together with your new husband. On the other, you are mourning the loss of your baby. The emotional ups and downs you must be experiencing...I can’t even imagine. If your heart tells you not to give up on having a baby, don’t. As long as your doctor says it’s okay and you feel you can handle whatever comes your way...both the good and the bad. I know it’s difficult.

Sarah: You’ve sadly been through this before, and my heart goes out to you. I know you are trying to protect your son from your emotions, and that’s got to be difficult. All of us DO understand what you’re going through, and care very much about your journey towards healing. Right now, it probably feels like you’ll never get through this...but, you will. I won’t say you’ll get ‘over’ it, because miscarriage does leave a stamp upon our heart. You’ll never forget, and will always love your little one.

I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers. ALL of you are in my thoughts and prayers. It’s not an easy road, and we often wonder WHY we have to travel it? I wish I had the answers, but I can tell you that we are all here for each other and it DOES count for a lot. While nothing can take the pain away or turn back the hands of time, life would sure be more difficult after miscarriage if we didn’t have some arms outstretched to hold us up.

Blessings to you,
Ellen

I am 30 years old and I am on my second marriage. With my first husband, we tried to get pregnant, we did everything. Even fertility for over a year. My fertility specialists told me that I had a very small chance of ever conceiving. I accepted the fact that I was fine with not having children. I found other things to "fill" my life. I met my (now) husband and we found out we were pregnant two weeks before our wedding. I was 8 weeks pregnant. Three days before the wedding, I started bleeding. I went to the doctors and they said that I had a miscarriage. They did a pregnancy test there and an ultrasound and could not find a baby. My Dr sent out blood work. I cried all day and all night. I got a call the next morning from the Dr, they said that the blood work came back and I was still pregnant. We were so excited. I was instructed to be on strict rest. We got married and spent the whole weekend relaxing. Monday morning, i received the call. My blood work from Friday came back and I was no longer pregnant. I cried, but it wasn’t as bad as the first time that I heard that. My husband and I talked and we discussed other options. The Dr said that if we wanted, we could start trying again. We did. This is the first month after we started trying and I have started my period. I have not slept in two days and I have been crying non stop. I am not usually and emotional person. My poor husband has no idea what to do for me. I have no idea what to do for myself. It hurts worse today than the day that I was told I lost the baby. I have never wanted something so bad before. I have the most wonderful husband and an amazing life. I want to nothing more to share my life with a child.
I don’t think that I have given up. Its only been one month. But I was not fully prepared for the disappointment. I have never felt like this before. I did not know that I wanted a child so badly.
I see people all around me who are in situations that having a child is not the best for them, and I ask, WHY? I can give a child anything that it wants. You cannot. Why do you get what I need and want? Melissa bchgurl@gmail.com

'hi
I found this site whilst looking for a support group. I am ‘trying’ to come to terms with my third miscarraige in three years. I started to miscarry my baby only 6 days ago and have another appointment at the hospital tomorrow morning for a scan. my husband is finding this one more difficult, I can see it in his face when he looks at me... helpless to stop it ... and helpless to protect me. We have a 6 year old angel xx who is blissfully unaware of what is happening, as 6 months ago I miscarried at 15 weeks, and he found it all very upsetting, therefore we agreed not to let him know..just incase.

Im feeling very lost , sad and isolated at present..with the urge to scream and cry at everyone. Another angel taken before I had time to hold, kiss and smell them. The emptiness is so painful, the loss is suffocating and sadness is very lonely.

Be strong...... you can try again.....these things happen for a reason....at least you have a child..

- words of support & wisdom, that tear my heart apart. Your website that i found in the middle of the night when no one is awake, has given me the chance to be honest and now that I have stopped crying (for now!)I do feel better, and as Susan Thomas said : you are the only people who know how I feel.

A very tired but HUGE thankyou Sarah Mouhsine allalmouhsine@hotmail.co.uk

Dear Susan,

I am also glad you found MiscarriageHelp.com, and like you, wish you didn’t have to. When I miscarried, I didn’t have the Internet to turn to. It’s amazing how many doors, even those you wish didn’t have to open, have opened because of the Internet. At least we can take comfort in knowing help is a click away- even if it’s simply coming to an understanding that there are others living the same pain as you are.

Blessings,

Ellen

I’m sitting here, have read all the comments, and feel such deep sadness and numbness at the same time. I can’t even believe I’m at the computer- just got home from my D&C.

My baby is gone.

My husband drove me home from the surgery. It took me a while to come out of recovery because I kept vomiting.

He’s home, and hasn’t a clue how to act around me- what to say.

I know he didn’t feel ready for this baby, but we finally came to a point of acceptance. After that, we both loved our baby and began making plans.

What am I going to do? I’m thirty-seven years old. I don’t know if I can go through this again, but don’t think I have too much time to wait to try and have another baby. I can’t grieve and be pregnant at the same time!

The women here are so strong. I hope to be as strong as you. I pray I can get through this and heal. I am comforted by your words and feel like you are the only ones on this planet who KNOW how I FEEL.

I’ve got to go lay down. I feel like crap but had to find something...anything to help me with my miscarriage. Even the word makes me cringe.

Glad to have found this site, but wish I didn’t have to.

I wish you all the best. Susan Thomas

Dear Amy,
I am so sorry for your loss, and please don’t feel guilty about praying for a boy. That’s a perfectly natural thing and has nothing to do with your miscarriage. We all try to find some sort of blame within ourselves, and it really does nothing but hurt you.

I am so happy you have been blessed with three children, and I also know that doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget the little one you lost- before you ever held him or her.

I opted for the D&C as you did- I chose one trauma over another- that’s how I view it. No matter how you miscarry, it’s a very real loss and leaves a stamp forever upon your heart. You loved your baby and always will. I don’t think there’s anyone here who will say differently.

There IS great hope and comfort in the fact that others are going through the same thing and are willing to join together and share their deepest, saddest feelings. Some are despair, some regret, some guilt, all are grief.

Miscarriage and its fallout are REAL, and the more we hold each other up, the more society in general will come to realize that we, the women who have suffered a miscarriage, or sadly, more than one, have lost babies and must go through a grieving process as with any other loss.

I pray for God’s blessings upon you and your beautiful family. Thank you for sharing your heart with us.

Sincerely,
Ellen

Hello,

I am so glad to find your web site. I had a miscarraige a year and a half ago after having two healthy kids. I was devistated as was my husband. Although he had a different way of showing it. I can’t help but feel guilt because I have two girls and when I found out I was pregnant I hoped and prayed for a boy. I forever feel like if I had only prayed for a healthy child verses a boy things would have turned out differently and I wouldn’t have miscarried. We never got to find out if it was a boy or girl and that haunts me. I never got to see my baby or touch it beacuse when I got to the hospital and saw no heart beat I opted for a D&C. Hoping that It would make it easier to deal with. My Doctor was out of town so I had to see a different doctor. She was so nice and helpful during this difficult time. I never imagined how hard it would be to loose something that you’ve never held or seen. I think about my baby often and have read every book about miscarriage that I can find. I have since had another child, A boy whom I love as much as my other two girls. I still feel alot of hurt and the pain never seems to go away but I find hope and comfort in the fact that other people are going threw the same thing.', 'Amy', 'Cwelch77@hotmail.com',

Hello Everyone,

This came in my email, and it completely blew me away. I am SO honored and have been brought to tears. I have some thinking to do regarding the name of a support group, but to you and your friends, Anita, I thank you with all my heart. WE can make a difference in the lives of women all over the world who have miscarried and feel they have nowhere to turn. I’m going to share this on my website and on my Amazon.com site. Perhaps we can light the fire of compassion and there will be more miscarriage support groups sprouting up all over the place. And, to Anita, I WILL think of a universal name for a miscarriage support group...actually, I just did:
"I Never Held You- Miscarriage Support Group" or "INHY-Miscarriage Support Group"

Dear Ellen,
I want to thank you so much for this site and your book. I’ve suffered through three miscarriages, and have never felt as comforted by a book as I have yours.

There are times I don’t know what to do with myself. This has gone on for about two years, (the time span in which I had my miscarriages).

After reading your book, and sharing it with a couple of friends who have also miscarried at least once, (strange that the three of us have all had at least one miscarriage), we decided it would be a good thing for our community to start a support group for women who’d miscarried.

Actually, between my two friends and I, we’d already started one and didn’t realize it until we shared the idea of reaching out to others as you have with your book and this website.

One thing led to another and we posted flyers in the local library, town hall, and gave some to local OBGYN’s. We set a date for our first support meeting, hoping at least one person would show up.

My house is quite small, so we opted to hold it at my friend’s house to accomodate however many showed up. We were all going to speak, and then use your book as a guide to bring up issues, provide topics of discussion, and open up the floor for those who needed to vent, share, etc.

Well, I have to tell you, Ellen, my two friends and I were in NO way prepared for the number of women who came to this meeting! There were twenty-two guests, not including my friends and I.

Imagine twenty-five women joined together in a circle of support.

We talked, cried, shared, cried some more, and when the support meeting was over, we set a date for the next one being a month out.

Ellen, because of your willingness to share your feelings, write your book, get the help of Dr. Backman who is wonderful, we were inspired to form our Miscarriage Support Group.

I’d like to ask you a favor, and I know you must be busy. But, we’d like you to come up with a name for our group, and perhaps it will spread to other women around the country and world. Maybe they will the same and there will be one name for all of us who are sisters in miscarriage. We would greatly appreciate any ideas you have.

God Bless You, Ellen. Your book not only helped me, but is now being used as a guide for our new meetings and is helping other women in pain after miscarriage. A workbook to go along with your book would be great, if you have the time to write one.

Sincerely,
Anita Coy
Florida

Dear Ellen,
I wanted to take a moment to write and thank you. This site has been so helpful to me. I’ve taken comfort in all the women’s stories here, although I wish they weren’t hurting so much. I am, too, and have found that I feel much less alone in my suffering. I’ve had one miscarriage, and don’t know if I could ever live through another. I was about eight weeks along and some bleeding started. Needless to say, the bleeding didn’t stop and after a trip to my doctor’s and an ultrasound, I was told my baby was ‘expired’. What a horrific word!

I never felt any support from my doctor, the staff, or anyone, really. My husband has tried to be as supportive as he can, but he just doesn’t get my mood swings, sudden outbursts of tears, and my feelings of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman.

Recently, I had to go to a baby shower for a wonderful friend, and I wanted to run out the door. I felt so guilty, and still do. I want to be happy for my friend and experience her pregnancy with her...instead, I cry everytime I leave her. It’s as if I can’t take it.

My husband wants to try for another baby, and I’m scared out of my mind. Even though it’s what I want most in this whole world.

I’ve read your book, and I keep turning to certain parts of it because I find great comfort and strength from it. I want to thank you for providing me with a book that I can use again and again whenever I am feeling crazy or depressed. You offer helpful solutions to my emotional upset, along with making me feel like I am normal for grieving over a baby I never held, but loved.

I highly recommend this site and Ellen’s book for any woman who has miscarried. You will find help and comfort in her book, and can use it again and again- whenever you feel the need for support, help, tips on feeling better, and most importantly, the reassurance that you have the right to grieve and feel whatever it is you’re feeling.

God Bless all of you. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Please keep the faith- I’m trying to with all my heart.

Sincerely,
Donna McFarlin', 'Donna

I don’t even know where to start. I found out on March 12, 2007 that my pregnancy was "not viable". I was 6 weeks pregnant. I chose not to have the D&C because of my strong oppostion to abortion.

I have 4 healthy children and this seems to be a reason for people to attack me for my severe depression and crying over the loss of my baby. I am married for the 2nd time and my three oldest children are not biologically my current husbands’. We have one little boy together who is 2 1/2. I found out last year that I have PCOS and have been on fertility treatments (chlomid/Glucophage) ever since. This miscarriage happened because of my progesterone levels being dangerously low. My husband and I both want a huge family and were ecstatic when we found out almost 2 weeks ago that we were expecting. The loss of this baby is not made any easier because of the children we already have. We love our children, they are blessings, but the extreme grief we feel over the loss of our baby is unbelievable. Why won’t our friends and family let us grieve? Having other children doesn’t mean you love the one you lose any less!

I can’t stop crying and searching all over the web for something to make me feel better. I’m having a hard time taking care of the other kids.

Like some of the others on here I too "freaked" when I saw the large mass in the toilet that was partly my baby. I too feel tremendous guilt and sadness at my spontaneous act of quickly flushing the scene away. It certainly didn’t make me feel any better.

It took almost two years for us to get pregnant with this baby and as bad as I want to get pregnant again I’m terrified. This pain is so immense and consuming I don’t know that I could go on if it happened next time.

I feel so empty and so lost and no one seems to understand. I thank you for this forum and open arena to tell how you feel and not be judged.', 'Mandy', 'macoffive@yahoo.com'

Dear Lorrie,
I am SO sorry for your losses, and my heart goes out to you and your husband, too. I am glad he is supportive, and I know he’s feeling the pain as well.

I can relate to your pain on many levels, including the floodgates from your first miscarriage seven years ago opening up.

It happened to me, and I also suffer, (still do), from anxiety attacks.

I don’t know if your coworkers meant to hurt your feelings, however, I don’t understand the lack of consideration for your feelings. While I believe they have every right to celebrate the pregnancy of another, it would have been thoughtful had they realized your pain.

Venting is critical to being able to begin the healing process. By allowing your feelings to spill out onto a piece of paper, your computer screen, a close friend who ‘gets it’...is so important. Feeling isolated and alone in your grief does not help. Burying your feelings doesn’t help either. I can feel all the pain of your first miscarriage combined with this one. I’m so sorry it hurts, but I also know you have to feel to heal.

You mentioned the word VALIDATED with regard to your feelings...and they are validated for certain. You need to know that what you’re suffering is a very real loss, and when society (in general) doesn’t treat your miscarriage as a real loss, you end up feeling incredibly isolated in your grief.

I did. You did. The women and men here did.

Awareness of miscarriage and the fallout it leaves behind is vital in our communities, medical facilities, and around the globe. When people become more aware of how a woman and her family feel after miscarriage, the reactions will be different. The words "I’m sorry for your loss," will be heard more than "It’s time to go on and get over this, now."

That’s what this site is about...my book and the books of others who have written about miscarriage are about, and you coming here expressing your heart and soul- that’s what it’s about.

Your feelings are REAL. YOU matter. The baby you lost MATTERS. You anxiety attacks as a result of your miscarriage, etc., matter. Had you been treated more gingerly, perhaps, or with more respect, your anxiety attacks may not have happened. I can’t say, but I know your pent up feelings of sadness, isolation, and your grief being dismissed didn’t help. I’m not blaming any ONE person or group of people. I don’t know if there’s any blame at all because people can only give what they know. Compassion and sympathy, (as with any loss), for the woman who has miscarried will come naturally when society as a whole realizes a BABY was lost, not a ‘thing’.

It’s an uphill climb, but I know we will get there, Lorrie, and we are all here for you in heart and spirit.

I know you’re in my thoughts and prayers, and I wear my necklace EVERY DAY for my baby, (Alex), who would have been sixteen this November. I got it from MyForeverChild.com last year and it’s the first, tangible thing I can feel, touch, see...in honor of my baby who crossed over before I ever got to hold him. But, I never stopped loving him- ever.

So little closure is offered to the woman who has miscarried. I know of some cases where memorial services are held, or funerals. But, more often than not we are left wondering...WHAT HAPPENED TO MY BABY?

I believe women, (and their families), should be offered counseling immediately after experiencing a miscarriage. I believe more help should be available in group settings AND individual settings, i.e., a grief counselor.

While all the help in the world will not take away your pain, it would certainly take some of the sting of isolationism out of it. I realize you must walk your own journey toward healing and recovery, (never forgetting), and I pray for all women there will be many more hands outstretched along the way. The hands of people who say, "Your baby mattered, and so do you."

Blessings to you and your family, Lorrie.

Ellen

A Note From Ellen:
It's hard to believe it's been sixteen-years since my miscarriage at four-and-a-half months. Sometimes it seems a lifetime ago-other times it feels like the raw, open wound it was when it happened.

I know now, after all these years, an ebook and paperback book later, and the advent of this support site, that God had plans for me. Plans I may not have volunteered for, knowingly, but plans for me to take the pain of my own miscarriage and turn it around into something to help you...to help myself.

They say writers often write about what they need to learn themselves. I agree.

Coming to terms with my miscarriage and all the fallout was no easy task, as I’m sure you’re all aware. Grief is grief. There is no gray area.

I came across this site and I’m so glad I did. Jan 30th I went in for a regular check up ( was 12 weeks) and expressed the changes I was feeling. I thought I was farther along due to more energy and I was getting big. The doctor felt I was not farther along and he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound the next day for a measurement. Something told me that something was not right and I told my husband that on our way out of the office.I know he felt I was just being over dramatic but something inside told me to prepare. See, I had a miscarriage 7 years prior with my ex-husband and I lost the baby at home. Once it was over he never spoke of it again nor did his family. Six months after the miscarriage we were divorced ( he wanted no more children or the one we lost)I never really dealt with the loss, I just buried it inside. Now I am remarried to a wonderful man and 1 1/2 after we married we had a beautiful little girl. She will be four and we wanted to try for another child ( I’m 37 years old).Well, we did it and I was over excited due to it being my last time. Everyone at work and home were very excited to walk this journey with us one more time.Which brings me back to Jan 30th.The next day we went to the ultrasound and I was trying to prepare myself for the worst. Unfortunately, I was right there was no heart beat. Even though the tech tried to give me hope, I knew it was over.Of course, they had me come into the office the next day to draw hormone levels. I found out there was no heart beat on Tuesday and when Friday came I was wanting to crawl out of my skin.Everyday my children (3 and 10) had to watch their mother cry and still looking pregnant sit at home waiting. That Friday at the doctor’s office, they took my last draw of blood and I broke down begging them to take the baby that day and not make me wait thru the weekend. I remembered the bleeding and pain I went thru the last time and I did not want my children to watch me go thru that again. My nurse was so compassionate and she paged the doctor. He took me that day and I felt so relieved but yet so empty they were taking my baby away from me.I went back to work one week after the d&c and convinced everyone I was doing ok. I WAS NOT OK. This has opened the flood gates for me and not only am I dealing with this loss but the loss from 7 years ago as well.I feel bad feelings towards my ex-husband for not acknowledging our baby and he does not even remember the name I picked out. I know I am truly blessed with my now husband and two children but my heart has been ripped out and I am now not dealing well with any of this. I have joined a support group and have been taking some anxiety meds.I started having anxiety attacks during work due to a lot of insensitive people. I found them trying to give me a lot of excuses why no one says anything to me about my loss but yet talks about another woman’s pregnancy in front of me during a manager meeting and she is due the same month as me. All I ever get is that they did not know it would bother me or I should have left the meeting. I literally could not get out of my chair and I started to panick and prayed for them to stop or someone in the room would stand up for me. It did not happen and because of things like that my doctor took me off work for a month. I’m not sure if I want to go back, however, I know I should not make any decisions right now. They are all women and mothers, WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
I am now home trying to get myself back. My husband has been great and we even picked out a necklace from " my forever child" together to remember both babies lost.I try to talk about my feelings a lot, but I am afraid of growing old with people. I have had some wonderful cards sent to me and I read them when I’m feeling down. This site has been really good for me and reading some of these stories have made me feel validated on my feelings. My husband has also read some with me and I felt it helped him understand we’re not the only ones going thru this, unfortunately.I am fighting really hard to work thru this. God bless everyone who is feeling what we feel.Thank you for listening.', 'Lorrie', 'corr21_98@yahoo.com',

I came across this site today. Just one day after I suffered a miscarriage. I wasn’t very far slong. Maybe 4 weeks. I just found out I was pregnant last Monday. I only told a few select people because I didn’t want to jinx it.
I had a miscarriage in July and that was one the most awful things I have ever experienced. I had told so many people and I hated being asked about it afterwards...to only have to shake my head "No". Hearing "I’m sorry" or "It wasn’t meant to be...", can get very tiresome, quickly.
This time I made the effort not to tell anyone except my 2 best friends. Again I am disappointed. This is miscarriage #3. I have no children but I want one desperately.
My best friend is pregnant. She is due in April. She found out she was pregnant only 2 weeks after my loss. I resent her for being able to carry to term. She has one beautiful child whom I love and adore. I am sure I will feel the same when the new one comes but I am angry. Angry because I want a child of my own to love and adore. I am tired of the excitement and anticipation to only be hurt in the end.', 'daisydee', 'http://daisydee8.blogspot.com Dear Daisy,
I am so sorry for your loss...loss number three. You’ve got a very heavy load, and to feel jealous or angry because your best friend is pregnant is perfectly normal to me. I went through the SAME thing and I wanted to be happy for my friends. I wanted so much to forget about my loss and simply be excited about my friend’s pregnancy.

I was...and I was jealous, angry, hurt and kept wondering WHY over and over again. Why wasn’t is me? Why couldn’t I have a beautiful, healthy baby?

All the questioning didn’t get me anywhere, but looking back, I think it was all part of healing. Plus, to suffer a loss like miscarriage while someone close to you is pregnant only serves to remind you each time you see her- of your miscarriage.

I know this all too well. The day I found out I lost my baby was the SAME day friends told me of their joyful news.

My news was anything buy joyful- just like you.

Please be gentle to yourself and don’t feel ‘bad’ about your feelings. You have to feel them to get beyond this point and it’s going to take time. I can’t , nor will I, lie to you. Sadly, there’s no magic pill to take away your pain or to stop you from grieving.

That’s what you’re doing...grieving. And, my God, don’t you have the right to?

I wish I could be there to give you some support, but please take these words as my way of being there for you during this time. I can’t imagine suffering through three miscarriages, and your fears about becoming excited over your pregnancy only to be hurt in the end are understandable.

You’ve certainly done nothing wrong, and I wish I could offer you more comfort. Just know in your heart that time will make things easier...but you need to allow yourself TIME.

You won’t ever forget the pain you’ve gone through, but there is always HOPE. That’s something we need to cling to with all our might. Hope never, ever goes away.

There may be other options for you to have the baby of your dreams. Options that you may not see quite yet because you’re deep in the middle of grieving the loss of your little one.

Blessings, comfort and love to you and yours-
Ellen

Hi my name is stacy and i had a miscarriage about 6 weeks ago i am as with all of you having the worst time with this i miss my baby every second of the day. I try to keep it together foe my family but i just can’t i have decided today that i need help i need to talk to someone about this because i feel that if i don’t i will ruin my marriage. I would love to try for a baby but my husband does not and today I found out that my sister in law is pregnant and i feel nothing for her and I am not happy at all for her. Sounds mean but it’s how i feel she will be due 4 weeks after my baby was due. I just don’t think I can cope with watching her get bigger and bigger evey month that was to be me not her but me. My husband and I need to talk more on this and I know that nothing would replace my third baby but I really really with we could try for a fourth thank you everyone for listening this site has been a big help for me.', 'Stacy', 'sweetpea9902@frontiernet.net',

I just want to let all of you know, that I realize the pain is so deep right now. It’s been five years since my miscarriage, and I still have not forgotten it. Sometimes, I still cry over it. But, with time, you’ll find your life beginning to return to normal. It’s changed, but, I promise you’ll begin to feel like yourself again. I wish this site were around when I miscarried, and I am very grateful it’s here now, for you.

It’s also helped me, even though it’s been a long time since my miscarriage. Reading your words has taught me that I wasn’t crazy or alone in how I felt.

God Bless all of you, and please give yourself the time you need to heal. Your angel baby will be with you forever.', 'Allie'

I don’t know how to began, or even why I feel the need to tell my story. When I was fourteen years old, I was raped by my mother’s boyfriend. I’d been a virgin and had already decided to wait for marriage. Immediately after, I tried to forget and go on with my life. I couldn’t forget him, as he was always around. He convinced me that he loved me, then broke up with my mother to secretly be with me. I thought if he loved me, then he hadn’t meant to hurt me. It made me feel better to believe in this. When I found out I was pregnant from the rape, I was horrorfied. That faded so quickly, as I realized that it was a baby growing in me, and that the baby couldn’t be blamed for his father. I decided to keep the pregnancy a secret as long as possible, but did tell the father. He pushed hard for an abortion. I finally stood up to him and refused. The pregnancy only lasted about nine weeks. When I started bleeding, I was sitting in school, making a list of names in a notebook. That list was one of my few light-hearted thoughts about my baby. Most of the time I was thinking about things like what I couldn’t eat or if me riding horses was dangerous, etc. I just got pads from a friend and waited it till I got home. I knew when I felt the first little rush that something was wrong. I spent lunch in the computer lab, reading about miscarriage, and any ways to stop it. Of course, I found none. At home, I collasped in my bathroom. I will never forget the moment when, locked in my bathroom, standing in my school uniform, collasping to my knees, bowed next to the tub. My head and arms resting on the tub’s ledge, I stayed on the floor for over two hours because I passed out. I woke up with my legs and the floor covered in blood. Waking up in that way is my last clear moment in my mind for almost two months. Over those weeks, I developed a fever that wouldn’t go away and bled for more than two and a half weeks. All this I hid from my mother. After two or so months, the fever finally disappeared. I tried to forget about the pain, desperatly. I couldn’t stand thinking of my baby as "it", I named the baby Gwen. I started doing drugs to help block out my pain. At sixteen, I was hanging out with some friends and my boyfriend. Either I had a extremely unusual for me reaction to the drugs we where sharing, or something was slipped to me. I honestly am not sure enough to blame him for that, but he did become violent weeks later. I woke up in bed with him, stripped and very sure we’d had sex, but no memory of even leaving the living room where we all had been. Terrorfied of another pregnany and loss, I waited impatiently for enough time to pass for me to take an EPT. I was pregnant. I quit drugs, smoking and drinking cold turkey, and tried to straighten up. I clung to my boyfriend, needing stability. Instead, he broke up with me and begged me for an abortion. Literally at my feet begged me to kill our child. This pregnancy lasted only six weeks, before I miscarried. One of my best friends was the only person there person there for me through all this. He was the only person I spent any time with for months besides my toddler sister. My mother was never around, having moved in with her new boyfriend basically. I hated being alone in the apartment, so before friends had often stayed over. Now it was only my bestfriend who did. I guess it’s not so suprising that I slept with him a few months after my second miscarriage. One time we where stupid and hasty, didn’t use protection correctly. For some reason, it never occured to me that I could be pregnant until two weeks afterwards. Well, my bestfriend had just enlisted in the army and I was about to drop-out to get my GED. When I told him, he was shockingly supportive. He wes very adamant about that the baby was his too, not just mine. I dropped out and moved across the country with my sister to stay with relatives who’d be more likely to support me. We talked every day, and he continued to be very concerned and interested in the pregnancy and our baby. For weeks, I was cynical about our baby surving but when I passed nine weeks, I felt a pressure lifted. I finally let myself be as confident as the father that our baby would be healthy. At ten weeks, I lost our baby, my third baby. That was only a month ago. I feel like I could write forever, but at the same time, its just too painful to write more right now.', 'Cate', 'lilbadgirl23@yahoo.com',

Dear Kathy,
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the loss your son and daughter-in-law are experiencing. You’re in a very difficult situation because you’re grieving, too, and also want to offer your support as a mother.
When speaking to a friend last night, she said that seeing her son cry when her husband was very ill, (he passed away), was one of the most difficult things to endure. Not only was she emotionally drained from loving and caring for her husband, she was her son’s mother. Her instinct was to help him because, as she said, "Seeing him cry like that was devastating."
You’ve got a full plate, and so do your son and daughter-in-law. Your strength and dediction to support them in their time of need while you’re in pain is touching beyond measure.
It sounds like you’ve got a close relationship. You were there when the ultrasound was done; and were present when the horrible news of the baby’s death happened.
Seems to me you’re a wonderful constant in both your son’s and his wife’s life.
The best way to help is to continue being just WHO YOU ARE. You’re already there for them, and while there’s nothing you can do to take away the pain, the act of being around, listening, not dismissing the loss of this precious baby, and realizing that your son and daughter are grieving, is more than many people who live this could hope for. You WANT to know the ‘right’ thing to do, and I liken you to my own mother when I suffered a miscarriage. You must be a wonderful person.
"I’m so sorry. Are you okay?"
Hearing those words instead of, "It was for the best," will make so much of a difference. When somebody miscarries, the last thing she wants to hear are statements like what I mentioned above, and: "Don’t worry. You can always have another." "It must have been meant to be." "You’re young. You can always try again." Those words, while often said with the best of intentions, do nothing but dismiss the loss of a baby everyone was in love with before he or she even came to this earth.
As you know, being the grandmother of this baby, you are grieving the loss of not only the child, but the plans, wishes, hopes and dreams you had for that baby.
Your daughter-in-law and son are grieving those losses, too.
Your heart is big and full of loving support already. If you stay on this path, you will be of great help.
Nothing happens quickly, and your daughter-in-law and son have already suffered the loss of a baby last year.
They are in a very sad situation and probably feel a bit hopeless about ever being able to have a family.
One thing to keep in mind is this: They may be afraid to try again. That’s understandable and many who suffer more than one miscarriage feel this way. Actually, even one miscarriage can do it.
If that’s the case, and they really want to have a baby, I’d gently suggest they talk to someone about it: her OBGYN and both of their primary care physicians. Also, they may need to find a support group and can check their local hospital to see if memorial services are offered for those who lost a child to miscarriage. I found a local hospital that offers such a service once a month, and I imagine this group of people have formed a special bond of support because they’ve all walked such a difficult road. They understand the pain all to well.
If your son or daughter-in-law need a way to simply vent, as you did here, please let them know about this site. Sometimes, writing your feelings down and getting them OUT helps tremendously. Your daughter-in-law, son, and perhaps yourself, may find great comfort in the words of those who have been here and shared their pain.
A connection is formed and people feel far less alone when they realize there are others living the same.
Somehow, with faith, strength, and most of all, SUPPORT, we get through miscarriage- and any other loss. Support is a great key, and you are already a support system to your son and daughter-in-law.
I pray for comfort...for YOU, your daughter-in-law, and your son. It’s not an easy road to walk, as you already know, but with time, the journey towards healing begins. However, allowing yourself to grieve first is very important. Grief can’t be buried or denied- otherwise, it stays inside and eats you up, preventing you from being able to heal.
Blessings to you and your family, and again, I am so sorry for what you’ve all been through. You’re in my prayers.
Ellen

Hi everyone, I had a misscarriage about 48hours ago.. I was 10weeks I feel so empty and lost. I had been having cramps/clear discharge for 2weeks but there was no blood so I thought I was ok. When I complained of pain my friends joked it was probably a girl they hurt more, my husband often dismissed it as my being nervous/anxious. Doctors told me its not uncommon to have some discomfort and to even bleed. But I felt something was very wrong. My pregnancy with my son was truly a simple pleasure he is 6 and I knew that all pregnancies are differrent but this one was sooo uncomfortable.
I saw my OBGYN tuesday the 16th I started spotting that morning she schdules a sonogram for me for that next day but she did not seem too concern eventhough I was. That evening my blood flow became heavy like a period would be..I called my Doc the one on call said its normal to bleed even as much as a period..if im not dizzy or fainting I am ok..I asked her if I should go to the emergency room if it got worst she said my sonogram was tomorrow she thought I could wait. It got worst and worst at about 9pm I told my husband lets go to the ER the cramping was the worst I had ever felt, He was getting our son and himself dressed my mom called said something told her to call me (that was odd). I told her I was on my way to the ER, as soon as I hung up the phone there was a huge gush like heavy flow of water/blood/ some other fluids lots and lots of it soaked my pants to the knees. I wont get too gross but it was allot I knew I was in trouble then...I decided to call an ambulance figured it would be quicker than my hubby driving me. 45 min later I was in the ER changing into the gown they gave me and when I remove my jeans there was a spalt sound. I cant get that damb sound out of me head and my placenta fetus inside among other things fell to the flity floor...the nurse said not to look but my husband my son who was in the room and myself stared at it, there were pieces on my leg on my socks. I dont even know how to write this I fell jumbled..basically im at home now depressed mad. I felt like I entered the hospital with a child and left empty/hollow in so much pain and the drugs they gave me may help with cramps but does nothing for my real pain, my broken hearth nothing helps im told only time will.
They kept my "medical waste" ...my baby medical waste. I would have love to ceremoniiusly dispose it myself but they kept it. I left with nothing not even a sonogram pic nothing..OK I stole a hospital blanket :) I needed something physical to hold on to from that night its wrapped around me now.I also bought some other item to remember our lost one by it felt good we also name the baby June (for a couple weeks in June we all were happy and planning for this child so we gave him/her the name June) another thing that feels good. I feel so lost one minute I cant stand to see babies or pregant women, the other minute I find such pleasure in seeing them. My familiy has been great but my friends/inlaws are mostly avoiding me even the one who is my neighbor and also pregnant. That hurts I know its hard and akward, but I personally would muster up the courage for atleast one short conversation...Im done babbling. Im on the couch waiting for my body to "rid" it self of anything left behind if it does not they will surgically do it for me.
..Lastly my mind keeps finding ways to make me feel guilty. I did not know I was pregnant for many weeks and I wonder how many things I did in that time to add to it, I had the ocassional drink, was often stressed out...Doctors say there is no telling why it happen sometimes that dosent help me and eventhough I believe I couldnt have stopped it, that its just one of those things I feel I may have add to it. I sat at home in pain let other people make me feel like I was being silly/nervous. But I am 27, a healthy person. I did not think for a second a misscarriage would/could happen to me...did not consider it for a second. I want to sleep for 2months and hopefully wake up feeling a bit better.
Thanks for listening ..good luck all.', 'Claudette H-M', 'fluffynpm24@yahoo.com'

I am so glad I found this website. I stumbled on it by accident and it couldn’t have happened at a more opportune time.

My daughter-in-law has just been for her first scan. We are very close and she asked me to be there with her and my son. We were so excited and talking about how many pictures we were going to ask for, it was such a happy morning. However, when the nurse brgan the scan it was clear that there was something wrong. Eventually, after what seemed a lifetime and a discussion with a colleague she told us that she could find no heartbeat and that the baby hadn’t grown in 3 weeks. She was given 3 options: To go home and let nature take its course. Take tablets to induce the miscarraige or have surgery.

We are all absolutely devastated. Last year she had to have a termination because of an ectopic pregnancy. It just seems horrendous that they have to go through this all over again.

My problem is that although I am grieving myself over the loss of another grandchild, I want to know the best way to help them through this. I don’t want to interfere and yet I want them to know I am there for them whenever they need me. I also would do anything to take the pain away, especially for my son. As a mother I feel his pain and would gladly suffer myself than have him suffer like this. I haven’t seem him sob like he did today since he was a child.

Please can anyone help me to help them', 'Kathy', 'kbeastall@hotmail.com

Dear Claudette,
I am so sorry for your loss. What a traumatic experience for you, your husband and son.

You are right when you say you don’t think you could have stopped your miscarriage. But, there’s that little voice inside making you question if there’s anything you did, or didn’t do, to cause this. So many women feel that way, and I did, too. Please know for your own sake that there’s nothing you did to make this terrible loss happen. I know it doesn’t take away your pain. Blaming yourself, however, does add to it.

Right now, you are grieving and have every right to do so. You had hopes and dreams for your baby, and a lot of love. You ended up leaving the hospital feeling empty and lost...never mind all the physical pain you went through. To be pregnant one minute and lose your baby the next is one of the most difficult things to experience. My heart goes out to you.

Now must be a healing time for you. I know you’re having a tough time with pregnant women, (seeing them, etc.), and your neighbor is pregnant, too. You mentioned how one minute you feel joy for them, and the next you experience very painful feelings. They might include jealousy or wanting to avoidance. I can tell you I was the same way. Even baby commercials made me cry or feel like ‘freaking out’.

I do wish your friends and in-laws would be more supportive of you-actually, you and your husband. Your son also feels the loss. However, we can’t force people to do anything, and I am glad your family is being so supportive. Sometimes, people are so afraid of saying the wrong thing, so they choose to say nothing at all. They feel it’s better to not talk about it and rationalize-thinking it’ll make you worse of they do. That’s so far from the truth. Acknowledging, not ignoring, your loss goes a long way. Saying I’m sorry for your loss goes a long way. Friends keeping you company and simply listening helps you heal and gives you a sense of connection, not isolation.

If you need a D&C, I won’t lie and tell you it’s a pleasant experience. But, I had one and it was before I ever ‘physically’ miscarried. Sitting and waiting for your body to ‘rid itself’ must be so hard on you-both emotionally and physically. I’m not a doctor so I can’t say why this option was chosen for you, but you might want to call your doctor and ask. Prolonging your pain just makes me cringe. I want you to begin healing, and right now the circumstances are making it very difficult.

Grieving is something we all must go through after a miscarriage. When you think about it, how could we not? I know you loved your baby very much, and so do many, many others. Perhaps, when you’re feeling a little better, you could have a memorial service for baby June. You might set some balloons free into the air with your husband and son with her name written on them, or some sort of message. You could plant a tree to honor her short stay with you. Whatever feels right. The reason I suggest this is because it’ll help give you some closure. The memory of ‘medical waste’ is something I pray to be cleared from your mind- and that sound on the floor. My, God. I am so sorry. I’m thinking a memorial service will be a much more comforting memory of baby June for you to hold in your heart and mind.

I gently suggest you try to release your guilt. Any feelings of guilt only serve to harm you. You have experienced a terrible loss, but have done nothing wrong. Please feel what you must, cry the tears you must shed, and slowly take steps down the road to healing and recovery. I know you won’t ever forget your precious baby. I also know you will eventually come to a place of healing. Maybe then, and your heart will tell you when, you can have a memorial service- even if it’s planting a tree in your back yard..whatever you want...to honor your baby’s short life with you here, and her everlasting spirit.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Your whole family.

Blessings, Healing and Light to you,
Ellen

Dear RAQ-
Your thank you means more than you’ll ever know.
God Bless,
Ellen

To Ellen: I want to take a moment to thank you for your reply. You will never know how much it means to me. I also want to thank you for this wonderful site. My heart breaks for all of us, but having this small place in the universe to come and know that you are not alone and have the chance to share your inner most feelings with those who have experienced the same pain helps tremendously. Just to have a place to get it all out and have it heard by someone who has been there, is the greatest gift. We all have people in our lives -- husbands and sisters and mothers who do their best to understand and comfort, but the words of a woman who has been there -- although a stranger, are invaluable and precious. It has been a week today since we lost our child. We will stay awake until 1:00 am when it happened and cry and remember and mourn the loss of our child. My husband will hold me and wipe my tears and I will do the same for him. And in our pain -- now and always -- we will remember the words from a caring stranger who knows how we feel and cared enough to offer words of comfort, understanding and strength. Pieces of us will never heal, and we will always remember our precious little baby, but we will take some strength and peace from your kind words as we try to go forward. Ellen, thank you so much and may God bless YOU for all the wonderful work you do.', 'RAQ', 'mrs1994@optonline.net'

Dear Kitty,
I’m so very sorry for your loss, and for the years of trying to get pregnant. I can only imagine the emotional ride you have been on.

I know very well the seeming "attack" of baby "anything"- be it a commercial on TV, baby items in a store, an invite to a baby shower, or simply seeing a pregnant woman and wondering, "Why isn’t that me?"

It’s a very painful time, and I can say with confidence that I felt exactly the way you do. Seemed everywhere I went, there was yet another reminder of what could have been- my baby and motherhood.

You’re not abnormal for feeling this way, for grieving, for any of it. You have gone through a loss so real, so painful and deep, that there really aren’t words to describe it fully.

The only thing I can say to you is how sorry I am, how much I, along with the others here, CARE about you, and taking things one day at a time is about the only thing you can do. Allowing yourself to feel is so important, and just by you coming here to let it out shows me that you’re willing to explore your feelings...even though they hurt.

For SO long I couldn’t standing going to my OBGYN. It was like a constant reminder of what I lost- WHO I lost. I felt so guilty for feeling jealous of women who were experiencing healthy pregnancies, and I remember crying as I sat on the table in the examination room while reading letters and looking at photos of brand-new, healthy babies and parents. They’d write my doctor and say how wonderful she was throughout their entire pregnancy right through to delivery. I do think she’s a wonderful doctor, but, for a while, those letters and photos hurt. I wanted SO much to be one of the people sending one in.

I don’t blame myself for feeling that way, and I hope you’re not blaming yourself for your feelings. If you are, please be gentle with yourself. You’ve been through a LOT and wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel.

I wish you and your husband the very best. I wish you comfort, support, and HOPE.

Blessings,
Ellen

'I just miscarried this past Tuesday, due to a blighted ovum. My husband, son, and I have been wrapped in love by friends and family; still, my heart is so grievous. I just want to cry into the Pacific Ocean, I think that I could make it overflow.', 'Myrna '2007-01-19 13:50:45

I found out I was pregnant on New Years Eve and was so thrilled with the news! I remember new years day going to Barnes and Noble and buying every baby book I could get my hands on! I read in the first book that 15-20% of all pregnancys end in miscarraige. I was shocked, I had no idea the figures were that high, I had never even thought of the possability. But I was reassured as I am young and healthy that the probability of me miscarrying was low.
At 9.5 weeks we went to our first OB/GYN appointment and we were so exicited to hear the heartbeat!! I had been experiencing some minor bleeding off and on for the past week or so, noth major, not even enough for me to wear a pad and I had no cramping...so I thought that it was just my uterus expanding and was normal.
When we went for the US the doctor told me that we had lost the baby and that the sac was still in tact but abnormal! I remember my world stopped at the news...there I was laying on the bed waiting for a heartbeat only to hear that my baby was gone!!
I was in shock for the rest of the day and had to make the sad phone calls to the people that I had told.

I can say that all I feel now is numb to the idea...once I think about what could have been I begin to tear up. I hope to become pregnant again soon, and lets pray that the next one is healthy.

Thursday, January 31, 2008 15:48:46', 'Brenna', 'nikkirage@hotmail.com 2008-08-28 21:29:12

Hi everyone, I had a misscarriage about 48hours ago.. I was 10weeks I feel so empty and lost. I had been having cramps/clear discharge for 2weeks but there was no blood so I thought I was ok. When I complained of pain my friends joked it was probably a girl they hurt more, my husband often dismissed it as my being nervous/anxious. Doctors told me its not uncommon to have some discomfort and to even bleed. But I felt something was very wrong. My pregnancy with my son was truly a simple pleasure he is 6 and I knew that all pregnancies are differrent but this one was sooo uncomfortable.
I saw my OBGYN tuesday the 16th I started spotting that morning she schdules a sonogram for me for that next day but she did not seem too concern eventhough I was. That evening my blood flow became heavy like a period would be..I called my Doc the one on call said its normal to bleed even as much as a period..if im not dizzy or fainting I am ok..I asked her if I should go to the emergency room if it got worst she said my sonogram was tomorrow she thought I could wait. It got worst and worst at about 9pm I told my husband lets go to the ER the cramping was the worst I had ever felt, He was getting our son and himself dressed my mom called said something told her to call me (that was odd). I told her I was on my way to the ER, as soon as I hung up the phone there was a huge gush like heavy flow of water/blood/ some other fluids lots and lots of it soaked my pants to the knees. I wont get too gross but it was allot I knew I was in trouble then...I decided to call an ambulance figured it would be quicker than my hubby driving me. 45 min later I was in the ER changing into the gown they gave me and when I remove my jeans there was a spalt sound. I cant get that damb sound out of me head and my placenta fetus inside among other things fell to the flity floor...the nurse said not to look but my husband my son who was in the room and myself stared at it, there were pieces on my leg on my socks. I dont even know how to write this I fell jumbled..basically im at home now depressed mad. I felt like I entered the hospital with a child and left empty/hollow in so much pain and the drugs they gave me may help with cramps but does nothing for my real pain, my broken hearth nothing helps im told only time will.
They kept my "medical waste" ...my baby medical waste. I would have love to ceremoniiusly dispose it myself but they kept it. I left with nothing not even a sonogram pic nothing..OK I stole a hospital blanket :) I needed something physical to hold on to from that night its wrapped around me now.I also bought some other item to remember our lost one by it felt good we also name the baby June (for a couple weeks in June we all were happy and planning for this child so we gave him/her the name June) another thing that feels good. I feel so lost one minute I cant stand to see babies or pregant women, the other minute I find such pleasure in seeing them. My familiy has been great but my friends/inlaws are mostly avoiding me even the one who is my neighbor and also pregnant. That hurts I know its hard and akward, but I personally would muster up the courage for atleast one short conversation...Im done babbling. Im on the couch waiting for my body to "rid" it self of anything left behind if it does not they will surgically do it for me.
..Lastly my mind keeps finding ways to make me feel guilty. I did not know I was pregnant for many weeks and I wonder how many things I did in that time to add to it, I had the ocassional drink, was often stressed out...Doctors say there is no telling why it happen sometimes that dosent help me and eventhough I believe I couldnt have stopped it, that its just one of those things I feel I may have add to it. I sat at home in pain let other people make me feel like I was being silly/nervous. But I am 27, a healthy person. I did not think for a second a misscarriage would/could happen to me...did not consider it for a second. I want to sleep for 2months and hopefully wake up feeling a bit better.
Thanks for listening ..good luck all.', 'Claudette H-M','', '2008-06-18 22:04:21',

Hi Everyone,
I had a miscarriage on the 28th of January while we were on holiday. I was nearly 10 weeks pregnant at the time. It would have been my first baby.

When I first started bleeding I wasn’t too worried, I hoped that it was just my uterus expanding. But when the bleeding got worse and the cramps started it felt like my hopes had just come crashing down. I went to the hospital where I was examined and told that I was having a miscarriage. There was nothing anyone could do. The next day I had the miscarriage. I wish I could have seen my little one, but I didn’t. I had a scan the next day which confirmed that I had lost the baby.

The grief was terrible. I cried and cried, but nothing can bring my baby back. Now nearly 2 weeks down the line, I feel numb. I can’t explain it. I just feel empty and numb. It feels as though none of this happened. Like I was never pregnant and so never had a miscarriage. But then there are times when I feel unbelievably sad. I can’t bare being in the same room as a baby, which is difficult as I have family with babies.

I keep thinking of what could have gone wrong. Was it my fault? Did I do something wrong? Why? But I will never know and that drives me crazy. I want to try for another baby but I’m too scared. I don’t know if I can go through this again.

Thank you for listening. It feels good to express myself.

Friday, February 08, 2008 05:01:35', 'Charlotte', 'sa_char_uk@yahoo.co.uk '2008-08-28

Dear Ashley,
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the agonizing time you’re living right now. I know there is nothing anyone can say to make it okay or hurt any less. All I know is my heart aches for you and you’re in my thoughts and prayers.

When faced with the same situation, (how to miscarry...God, how awful), I was so afraid of any option. Miscarriage is a nightmare-and to actually choose how you want to "lose" your precious baby from your body is probably one of the worst questions you could be asked.

Personally, I was more afraid to miscarry on my own and opted for the D&C. My doctor also suggested it would be ‘easier on me’- if there is such a thing. I can only say to you that I don’t think I could have withstood the pain of miscarrying at home. I just don’t think I’ve got the strength. But, we are all different.

I understand you heartache-and I don’t think the word heartache even covers what you’re feeling.

Friends and family do the best they can...and sometimes their words are of some comfort while at other times their words sting. Often, people just don’t know what to say or how to act around a woman who has miscarried, (and her family).

Being afraid of becoming pregnant again is understandable. Of course you wouldn’t ever want to live through this pain again. I’d guess the thought of being intimate with your husband is a combination of grief and fear. You are grieving your lost baby, and that alone makes us tend to withdraw on many levels. Being intimate, or having sex can get us pregnant, so of course you’re afraid to be close. Just know that although time seems to be dragging on, you are in fact healing. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but slowly, you are healing. Grief is a part of healing, and I believe that’s where you’re at right now. Oh, it hurts so much and again, I’m sorry.

If you find yourself stuck and unable to move from where you are emotionally, physically and spiritually, you may want to find a support group, a grief counselor...someone to share your feelings with and work through them together. I’m not suggesting now is the right time. I just want to throw the idea out to you.

Each day I read comments like yours, and I simply feel torn up. I know the path you’re on, and you are right when you say there’s nothing I can do or say to make the pain go away. But, please know you are not alone and many people, including myself, are in your corner and thinking of you, praying for you, and sending you healing energy.

Please be easy on yourself and come back to MiscarriageHelp.com whenever you want. The door is never closed here.

Blessings, Love, and Light to you,
Ellen

Friday, February 08, 2008

I’m currently experiencing my second miscarriage. My first one happened right before Christmas. We had been so excited after trying to get pregnant for 6 months, that we told everyone we knew, including my 6yr old son. It was so difficult to tell everyone what had happened. It was a very early miscarriage- I was only about 5 weeks. I was stunned, I had never thought that I might have to deal with that. I never had a normal cycle between pregnancies, we didn’t think we’d get pregnant again so quickly, so we didn’t bother trying to prevent it. Now, of course I wish we had. Going through this is hard enough, but going through it twice in such a short period of time is horrible. I can’t help but worry that something is wrong with me. I have an appointment with the doctor today, so hopefully she can set my mind at ease a little. Meanwhile, all I can think about is these 2 babies that I wanted so badly. What might they have been like? Who would they have looked like? Why couldn’t I keep them?
How can I look forward to trying to get pregnant again, when I know it will be a terrifying experience?

Thursday, February 07, 2008 07:48:15', 'Jessica', 'jessy0780@comcast.net

Dear Jessica,
I am so sorry for both of your losses. Having two miscarriages so close together must be extremely difficult on you emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Going to your doctor will hopefully set your mind at ease a bit. I can’t say why your miscarriages happened-and even if I could, I know it wouldn’t take away from the pain you’re living now.

Thinking about the two babies you lost to miscarriage is something I would do, too. Even today, I think about the son I lost, and wonder what he’d be like. Just like you. It’s so painful, and most of us tend to try and figure out why, or wonder if there’s anything wrong with us.

Right now, please give yourself the time you need to grieve your babies. Perhaps you could give your babies a memorial service like some of the women here have done. Some have taken balloons and released them, watching them fly high like spirits into the air. I never did anything like that, and wish I had. It would have given me some closure. If you feel it’s right for you it would be good to follow your heart. Either way, there is no right or wrong.

One day at a time is all we have, and that’s how we have to take things. Please be gentle to yourself and realize you are grieving your babies. You’re going to have days that are very difficult, and some will be easier to get through. Grief is never easy, but allowing yourself to grieve is so important to moving on. Moving on does not mean forgetting your little ones. It simply means you’re able to go on with your life after miscarriage(s), and the pain isn’t nearly as close to the surface as it is right now.

I pray your fears about getting pregnant again are lessened after your visit to the doctor. I know it’s not easy to even think about being pregnant right now-many of us would be afraid, too. But, over time you will heal. As you heal, your fears will diminish. I don’t know if they will disappear-as I think many of us have some fears about pregnancy regardless of whether we’ve miscarried or not. But, I don’t want to see your fears ruling your life. That’s what I mean when I say they’ll diminish as you heal.

Please take care of yourself and know you’re in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you found us and shared your heart. You are cared about more than you know.

Blessings, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen



My husband and I have been trying for years and years to finally conceive a precious little bundle of joy. Finally after a very traumatic end to 2007 we received some reassuring news on 01/07/08 that we were finally expecting!!!! I could not believe it, it seemed so surreal that it was finally happening for us. Us who have always been dealt a crappy hand, us who have dreamed and imagined what our own little baby would be like was finally gonna have the chance to find out!
For the previous year I was being treated for PCOS and my cycles had finally become regular, I had conceived somewhere around December 22nd. My first ultrasound was completed on 1/23 and I saw the most perfect little figure, with a perfect beating heart! It really seemed like my dream, our dream was finally coming true and NO ONE could take that away from us. My Dr told me that the heart rate at 94 seemed a little low for being 6w4d, I was to return for a repeat scan in a week. I returned about two weeks later because of scheduling conflicts with the office only to be told that no heartbeat could be found. Laying on that table listening to the tech and Dr say that my sweet little baby had died, absolutely crushed me world, crushed my husbands world. These past two months my husband has been the happiest he ever has been and now that was being ripped away.
I have to go back in for a repeat scan (they are seriously making me sit through ANOTHER heartbreaking ultrasound to see my dead baby, how heartless can people be?) Then deciding what way I want to continue with the Miscarriage.
I finally thought that this was going to be our time to shine, it was our little baby that was unjustly taken away from us.
I am scarred to death of a D&C, of taking the medication and even just letting nature take its course. I am scarred to death of even thinking about becoming pregnant again, the thought of sex just repulses me, if sex can cause this much damage, what is the point?
Friends and Family approach me and just apologize and say they have no idea what to say to us. There is nothing anyone can say to make this ok or hurt any less, there is nothing.

Thursday, February 07, 2008 15:00:37', 'Ashley', 'simplyashley@gmail.com', '0', '423', '2008-08-28 21:33:

First of all I just want to say, what an incredible site this is. This is just what I needed tonight. I feel so alone though I’m not. I have a beautiful healthy three year daughter and a great husband, but it still doesn’t help the pain I’m feeling tonight.

I had a miscarriage in March 2006, which was a complete shock to me. I was devestated. No one understood and all their comments were like knives stabbing my heart. I’m only 24 and relatively healthy, so I figured it was just a one time thing.

We continued to try and over a year later found out I was pregnant (today actually) The bleeding started later this afternoon. It’s not bad yet, but I know the worst is to come.

I’m dumbfounded. I don’t know what to think. The pain of a miscarriage is almost too much for me to want to continue trying to have another baby. I feel like I’ve failed in some way. I know that if its meant to be it will happen, but that’s so hard to accept when you want it so badly. I feel so low right now. I find myself trying to distance my mind from this and think that I’ve just gotten my period. It’s too hard for me to accept that I’m losing another baby. I think I adopt almost a cynical attitude when this happens. I’m angry, hurt, and confused. On top of that I’m wondering now if maybe something is wrong with me. I deeply sympathize with everyone out there who has experienced this and it gives me some relief to know that I’m not alone at all.

But with God, each other, and the strengh and support of our families, we will get through this. Thank you for allowing me to share.', 'Marie', 'dewmgw2002@yahoo.com',

My first posting was after my miscarriage on February 6 and have I been to hell and trying to find my way back ever since. After trying so long and suffering that devastating loss, I was visiting my doctor weekly to be sure that my hormone levels were decreasing. On Friday, March 2 they were down to 100 from 2358 and the doctor wanted 1 more blood test on 3/9 to make sure it was back under 5 where it belonged. I was still grieving for the loss and somewhere inside was feeling that when I don’t have to go to that damn doctors office anymore and be reminded again and again of what happened, then I can really start to heal myself inside. Then came Monday, 3/5. I sent my 10 year old off to school and started house cleaning. At exactly 10:38 am I had the most excruciating pain I have ever had on the right lower side of my body. This pain when on for an hour unrelenting until I threw up. After that the pain was still there but relented somewhat, however, I was still in pain and everytime I stood up, the room would spin, I would see dots and fall the the floor. I fell into the bathtub and crawled to the bed. My husband says I sent him half a text and my sister says I tried to call her, but I do not remember anything and when I woke up, it was after 3pm. I tried standing again and fell again. I called 911 and though I could hear and understand what she was saying, I did not have the energy to answer. I had to unlock the front door for the EMTs and had to crawl because I was falling. My heart beat was 130, my blood pressure 50/30. To make a long story short, I had a series of scans and xrays and they found that the pain I was experiencing was internal bleeding, but they could not figure out where the blood was coming from. I had to have immediate exploratory surgery. After the surgery, we were told that I had lost 3 and 1/2 liters of the 6 liters of blood we have in our body. I needed 4 blood transfusions. My heart would not stop beating so fast so I needed Magnesium to slow it back to normal. All of my organs and insides had to be washed and inspected. Turns out there was a second pregnancy - a twin - growing in my falopian tube and when it got too big, my tube burst. I almost died, spent a week in the hospital and am still recovering. As if that were not enough, the staples near my belly button got infected and I still have a large open wound in the center of my body that I cannot look at and my husband has to tend to every morning and evening. Cleaning it and packing it with Alginate and covering it with bandages. I have to visit a wound care center which is more like a torture center because they have to dig and poke around inside of it. Is this some sort of cruel joke? I am going to wake up anytime soon? Am I being punished for something? What the hell is going on???? I had a dream last week of a baby girl. Big brown eyes and short brown hair parted to the side. A spitting image of my husband. I remember walking her thru a supermarket and everyone asking how old she was because she was walking and I answered 2 months. Silly I know, but I had such a clear and vivid sight of that baby. Everytime I close my eyes, I see that beautiful girl. My body is on the road to healing, but my mind and soul are whirling. I have cried and been sad and had my moments of grief, but I can feel inside that I have not had the chance to absorb or comprehend what has happened. I feel lucky that I was saved, but always wondering what will happen next. I overly worry for the welfare of not only me, but my husband and daughter. I definately know that I have not come to terms yet with what has happened and am in a reactionary mode. Going thru the motions of every day without a freakin clue as to how to feel or what to do. Afraid to close my eyes at night and afraid not to. 2 babies - twins - and why have I not dreamed of the other? God, this is all too much for me. Why? I thank the Lord for sparing my life and saving me for my husband and especially my daughter. But, I am so sad, so confused, so mean sometimes, so fed up with everything already. Please make this nightmare stop!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!', 'RAQ', 'mrs1994@optonline.net

Dear Kristy,

I am so sorry for your losses. You are entitled to "one of those days" and my heart goes out to you.

You are not crazy for feeling as you do, and are dealing with not only miscarriage and the devastating aftermath, but also the nuchal translucency you mentioned. After having given birth to three healthy children, your shock is very understandable. I think we get to a point where we just ‘assume’ all will go well and when it doesn’t, we’re really sent spinning. Even with no children, a miscarriage leaves us feeling like a train wreck.

Your second miscarriage left you feeling the same...only this time you couldn’t believe it was happening again. Let me tell you, I’d feel the same way. I’d be wondering about everything...myself, my life, the chances of having another child and would feel quite lost in grief and disbelief.

To be angry at yourself for not going in sooner to be checked before your second miscarriage is something I empathize with, but ask you to please go easier on yourself. This was not your fault-in any way. Again, finding blame within yourself, doctors, God...you name it, is a path I traveled and one I know is not healthy. Basically, you’re beating up on yourself for something you had no control over and I simply want you to heal.

Yes, you have to grieve in order to heal, and I wish I could take that pain from you. It’s all part of the often lonely road we traverse after miscarriage. Know I am with you in mind and spirit.

You sound as if you’ve been stuck for the past eight months-with everything being on the back burner. You feel your marriage is strained, and you also feel guilt over being very ill during the first trimesters of both pregnancies so your husband had to pick up a lot of the slack. Please...please don’t do that to yourself. You were sick, pregnant, and sadly your pregnancies ended in miscarriages. That alone is such a heavy load to carry, and your husband was picking up what you didn’t have the strength to carry. I’m not saying it was easy for him-but you are a team and that’s how teams work. If he were to get injured or become ill, you’d be there for him. You have nothing to feel guilty about and I ask you to please focus on healing. Heal you mind, body and spirit.

So often there are not answers to why we miscarry. You have all the answers to why you shouldn’t have miscarried...so it’s consuming you. You’re right in that none of it makes any sense. However, to focus on this constantly is really hurting you and I do know why you’re doing it. You want another baby and dear God, there’s nothing wrong with that! I am so sorry for the pain and longing. You are also faced with a family member who is pregnant and would be due around the time you were. That’s a tough place to be, and one I was in
Here I am now in June. The medical bills are overwhelming at this point and we know nothing. My marriage is strained because of everything over the past 8 months. My kids have been on the back burner and now I feel like everyone is expecting that I should be far enough removed now to just move on. But I don’t. I’m still sad. I still have days like today. Not always, but sometimes. I get extremely sick during the first trimester of pregnancy so after almost 30 weeks of it, my husband was feeling the strain of shouldering all the burden of family life. I felt guilty for that, guilty for not being there enough for the kids, guilty for everything. Especially not being able to make my body keep those babies alive. My husband assured me that it wasn’t my fault, but it feels like it was. What changed???? Three pregnancies, three kids and then this…I don’t understand. I don’t need progesterone, I don’t need antil cloting drugs, I don’t need invitro, I don’t need clomid, no immune deficiencies, I don’t even bleed.. I can get pregnant, they just die. They have no answers for me and it makes me feel very alone and discouraged because I feel like I have no course for action except…wait till I have the guts to try again and then, good luck. I’m sorry to vent for so long I just need to get this all out of my head. I feel so guilty because my husband is trying so hard to make me happy that I feel like I’m making him feel bad every time I have a bad day. Like I’m telling him he is a failure if he finds me crying over something he can’t “fix”. I don’t know how it fix this, to fix me. My sister-in-law got pregnant at the same time I did this last time so it’s been really hard to see her and watch her pregnancy progress. I’m not sure how to deal with that yet; Let alone when she has him and I have to be there and hold him. I can’t even deal with that thought. Some days it feels like the whole world is pregnant and I can’t take it. Some days I feel more optimistic and I feel like next time will be different, but I just don’t know. I want to try again eventually but I am scared. There are just so many facets to all of this that it quickly becomes overwhelming. If anyone has any advice I would love to hear it. Thanks for listening, I just needed to be able to send this out into the great void.', 'kristy', 'keralphsyahoo.com',

It’s so comforting to know that I’m not the only one having "one of those days". I just found this web site today after feeling at a real loss to be able to vent my feelings anywhere else. I feel like such a freak some days because I have yet to find a situation like mine so it makes it hard to wrap my brain around sometimes. I am 31 and I have three beautiful children. My first two were with my first husband and I had no problems conceiving or during pregnancy. They are now 8 and 6. Then I had my third child after I got remarried to my new husband. Again, no complications. Last year when my son turned a year old we decided to have another baby and within no time we were pregnant. Then in October, at 13 weeks when we went in to hear the heart beat, we were told that our baby had died. Apparently there were abnormalities, (nuchal translucency) that had caused the passing. We were devastated. I had never imagined that after making it this far into my child bearing that I would encounter problems so it took me completely by surprise. I took comfort in all the reassuring people that told me it was just a fluke. Even my OB told me that this kind of problem is very rare, especially to carry to 13 wks, and that I had every reason to expect a normal pregnancy next time. I had a D&C and tried to move on. Two months later I got pregnant again. I was happy and relieved to know that I didn’t have any problems conceiving but I was still nervous. Everyone told me they thought it would be fine. I tried to believe it but I was so scared. This time we did early an ultrasound at 10 weeks. There was a heart beat and everything else looked fine but my doctor thought he saw something similar to before (swelling in the spinal cord area up near the neck) but he wasn’t sure so he sent me to a maternal-fetal medicine specialist. He said it was too soon to tell and to come back at 13 weeks. My heart sank.- “But it might be too late by then!” I thought. It turned out I was right. In March, at my 13 week ultra sound I had a beautiful little baby inside me with ten little fingers and cute little elbows and a sweet little profile but no heart beat.- It had grown just like it should have, but then died. Again. It was the same time almost to the day…Again? “This can’t be happening” I thought frantically. Everything felt very surreal and “out of body” at this point. I was so angry with the doctor for not having me come in sooner. I was so mad at myself for not demanding to come in sooner. The same abnormality was there but because nuchal translucency presents as the demise occurs, they weren’t sure.- Which came first; the chicken or the egg. I had another D&C but this time they took fetal tissue sample and sent it off for testing to find answers. 5 weeks later my doctor called me to tell me that the lab was unsuccessful in culturing any cell growth. So we know nothing.', 'kristy', 'keralphsyahoo.com



Hi Melissa-

Please know you are not alone. I am feeling very much the same today- sad mixed up and in a sense alone.

Perhaps you should try to talk to your husband again? You both really need each other right now. Try not ot let a divide develop. I know my husband feels guilty for "getting me pregnant" and it ending in miscarriage twice- like somehow he is the only party in the transaction! While I can’t totally understand his guilt, I do try to encourage him to talk to me about how he is feeling. Best wishes to you both. Be Well.

Hi Ellen- you opened the door to venting in your post yesterday and well, I’m back to vent.

I am the type of person who needs alot of information. I am sure I drive my doctor nuts. So today, I decided to investigate the relationship between hypothyroidism, miscarriage and low progesterone levels. Turns out every website under the sun recommends that if you are treated for hypothyroid- and I am- that as soon as you are pregnant, you get tested as the need for replacement hormones can be immediate in pregnancy- in fact a person may need as much as 50% more synthroid to maintain a pregancy.

Well- my ob/gyn is the one who found out after the birth of our daughter that I have this condition- but I have never been tested when I become pregnant. I’ve got to admit this anger is furthered by the fact that last fall when, with the blighted ovum, I decided to try and allow things to happen naturally, my doc said he would call me in a week. 2 1/2 weeks went by and no call and no miscarriage. I felt awfully sick- so I finally called his office- when I got in touch with him he admitted that my file had found its way to the bottom of the pile and he should have called me earlier.

I’ve been through alot with this doctor- he did emergency surgery on me when I had a ruptured ectopic, he allowed my husband to catch our daughter when she was born. He agreed to see me at every appointment and to persoanlly deliver our daughter instead of having me go through the rotation of doctors that is typical in a large office. He performed my D and C last fall.

But now I feel like he forgot me last fall and perhaps forgot again to test me for thyroid with this pregnancy.

I also understand that in my greif I could be searching for answers and trying to place blame. I get all of that, but I still think this seems weird.

So now I’ve got the D and C on Monday and he is doing it- I don’t think I want to mention any of this to him until after the surgery when I have a follow up. In the mean time I have made an appointment with a thyroid specialist and will pursue that angle for my own health.

So Mellissa- I couldn’t agree with you more- sometimes life does not happen the way we think it is going to and we just have to find the strength to deal with it.

Argh.', 'hopeful', 'chris.banka@gmail.com'

I just needed a place to write about my baby. I m/c on Friday at 6 weeks and 2 days. We had tried for 11 months to get pregnant. When I found out I was pregnant, the next 2 weeks and 2 days were the best days of my life. I love you baby. May you rest in the arms of heaven forever.', 'Holly', 'hollyhatten@yahoo.com ',

I had a miscarriage about 72 hours ago and I am so sad. I feel like I am walking around like a zombie, waiting for each day to pass into another and reliving the horror of expelling my child into the toilet every time I tend to my bleeding body. One minute I feel like crying the next I feel like kicking the door in. The doctor is making me get my levels checked to be sure they are going back down every other day and I have to sit and wait in a room with pregnant women, little babies and stories of happiness and idea sharing. I am happy for them, but not where I want to be 3 short days after this tragedy in my life. Everyone says the most stupidest things. Its better this way. What do you think you did? How did it feel? It was meant to be. I was only 4-5 weeks along and didn’t know I was pregnant until about 1 week before the miscarriage, but the moment I found out -- that was my child. I was happy and in love. My husband was away on a business trip when I took the 3 pregancy tests in a row because I could not believe what I was seeing. We had been trying for a year and decided to take a break - when presto, I was pregnant! I put the 3rd test, the results sheet and a little note saying Hi Daddy on his pillow for when he came home in the middle of the night. He woke me up surprised, happy and in tears rubbing my stomach. We starting looking for baby names that week and started to make plans to redo our spare room for the baby. The tiny ball of cells everyone keeps calling my child, would have been in my arms before Halloween. That tiny ball of cells - that kills me - would have had a heartbeat and fingers and toes in another week. MY CHILD is gone and I feel weak and alone. My husband is trying so hard to help me, but no one can reverse what has happened. I love my child. I am so sorry you are gone. You are wanted and loved. I will remember you always. You are NOT a ball of cells, but a child who is deeply missed and so desparately wanted. I love you.', 'RAQ', 'mrs1994@optonline.net'

Dear Michelle,

I am so sorry for your loss. It doesn’t matter whether you planned your pregnancy or not, you fell in love with your baby and are grieving a very real loss.

I know you and your boyfriend hadn’t been together very long, you have a year left in college, etc. I know the timing didn’t seem right. But, such a strong bond develops between you and your unborn baby-and it happens so much sooner than many of us thought possible.

You DID do everything ‘right’ and your miscarriage was NOT your fault. I hope you are able to stop blaming yourself-for your sake. I did it, many others have, too. I’ve found it does nothing but hurt you and hinder your healing. Life is a funny thing, and it’s hard to accept that we cannot control everything no matter what we do to ensure the outcome.

Right now is a time for you to be gentle with yourself and take things one step at a time. When you’re grieving the loss of your baby to miscarriage, it’s a very consuming grief like any other. With a miscarriage, you also think about all the ‘what ifs’ and wonder what your baby would have looked like, etc. To that end, it’s a bit different because you never got to see, hold, touch, your baby. Again, I am so sorry.

Feeling jealous of women who are pregnant or have little babies is perfectly normal, although it’s a very painful feeling and can be very disarming. I remember feeling so bad about myself for wanting what these women had. I felt robbed and alone. It took time...and I know it’s very difficult to wait, to get past those feelings. You will come to a place where you can be around babies and pregnant women again and feel much less of a sting.

If you need to talk it out, please do. If you can’t find someone to share your feelings with, please come back and know you are heard here. Perhaps there’s a grief counselor nearby, or you could talk to your doc. a bit if you’re comfortable. Whatever you need to help you through this time of loss is there for you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Light and much Healing to you,
Ellen

dear kelly,

just wanted to say i know how you feel. I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks almost two weeks ago. when i had her i didnt hold her. i knew i probably would feel guilty later but i told myself when the time comes to think about it i will have to live with my decision because i was jsut too scared. i let my husband and my mother hold her. told them to let her know i loved her and i was very sorry that i didnt mean to hurt her. I have a little box with my baby’s pictures in them. i havent looked yet... last night i cried my eyes out cause i was missing her so much so i peaked in the box. still i can not look all the way. i understand how you feel. this situation we are in is sooooo hard, and to look at our poor baby like that just hurts to think about. if at all possible i would suggest that you take to your doctor and have them take pictures for you bring a nice box or maybe they have one and take it home. when yo uare ready to look at them do so. just wanted to let you know you arent the only one and i understand how you feel. its very hard and im sorry.', 'Christina', 'Villegas.christina@gmail.com

(To Tracy, continued)...

Although you don’t know if your baby was a boy or girl- that baby is still YOUR baby. Love transcends what sex your baby was and the love in your heart will carry itself to your baby in heaven, where he or she resides. If you have a gut feeling about whether your baby was a boy or girl, perhaps you want to give your baby a name and tell he or she that you will always love her very much. I did that after about fifteen years at the suggestion of a friend. I would have never thought of it on my own.

Your husband may not know what to say to you because he’s unaware of just how painful this is. After my miscarriage, the one person I needed the most, (my husband at the time), couldn’t really be there for me. He didn’t get it and his way of dealing with "me" was to say things like, "Why don’t you grow up and get over it." That really hurt. Later, he regretted his words, and I learned that I couldn’t blame him for NOT KNOWING. How can somebody act upon something they know nothing about? However, it still hurt...a lot.

Your husband probably wants to reach out to you and can’t. Most likely he doesn’t understand the depth of your pain, and if that’s the case, (which I am seeing more and more), you can turn to others for the support you need.

And, if you believe, you can turn to God.

My faith, guided meditations, and writing to simply VENT helped me so much.

You’ve taken the first step in writing your feelings and sharing them here.

That was a bigger step than you may realize.

I wish you all the comfort, love and support in the world, and please remember, you are in my thoughts and prayers. Everyone here is. I pray for women all over the world who are suffering in silence after miscarriage to find comfort, guidance, support- and the path to healing.

Many Blessings,
Ellen
Many Blessings,
Ellen

Dear Hopeful,

You are so kind to respond to Melissa’s comment with such an understanding heart. Your words of empathy and compassion are gifts, so thank you for taking the time to share even amidst your own pain.

And yes, I agree that Melissa, (Hi, Melissa), should try and talk things out with her husband. Take it from one who knows...my relationship with my ex-husband grew even more distant after my miscarriage and within two years, we separated. I felt like everything was so out of control-and it was. I’m not saying this is the case with you and your husband at ALL. My marriage had already grown a bit distant. But, the experience taught me a lot. Although I couldn’t walk his walk for him, I do believe the distance didn’t have to turn into the "great divide". I did try very hard to open the doors of communication, but sometimes a bit of help is needed. Perhaps that’s the case here. I’m not sure, but would certainly recommend it if both you, (Melissa), and your husband can agree on some counseling if you can’t get past any of this through conversation. I believe you CAN get through this together.

Hopeful, you’re very much like me when it comes to being a seeker, and opening the door to vent is what I am here for. Your vent is very enlightening and touching, and I think will prove helpful to others, too.

You have quite a history with your doctor and I understand your mixed feelings about...everything. There is never an acceptable reason for anyone’s file to make its way to the bottom of the pile. I’m not saying your doctor is not excellent-but what happened to you: your file, the phone call coming so late and the pain you endured is far from excellence in terms of your health care. CARE being the operative word here.

You are researching your hypothyroidism and have found some very interesting discoveries. Like you, I’d be digging as I have with other areas of my life and health, and the health of others.

Now, grief does cause us to search for answers and place blame because we feel a very strong need to. In my layperson’s opinion, you may have stumbled upon something that at minimum, deserves to be further looked into by both your doctor & the specialist. I am very familiar with hypothyroidism as my fiance’s been taking synthroid since he was 18. Yes, he’s a man so I can’t relate it to pregnancy. However, you can and have through your research. I feel what you’ve discovered should be taken to a specialist, and agree that what you find out will then determine the path your discussion takes with your doctor.

I believe we can’t control the uncontrollable. However, I have to look within and ask myself, "Why didn’t the doctor make the connection between hypothyroidism and miscarriage?" I know the answer will not bring back your child or take away from your pain. It’s a very natural question you can’t help but ask.

We have to be our own advocates in so many cases.

I’m in agreement with you- this all seems weird. It’s also confusing when you’re grieving to see anything clearly because you’re seeing through clouded eyes. Yet, there is a reason you found what you did. For your own health I believe you were led to this path and seeing a specialist is something you need to do-for your own health. You can also explore the connection between your hypothyroidism and your terrible loss. Again, my heart goes out to you. As we both know, as we all know, miscarriage sends us into a tailspin.

Please keep in touch and I pray for your healing on all levels: emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Love, Light and Blessings to you,
Ellen

After suffering a miscarriage in February of 2006, when I had almost reached my 13th week of pregnancy, I experienced so much sadness and such a sense of loss. It was very hard that first week or so afterward to simply adjust to the realization that I wasn’t pregnant anymore.

I have gone through many changes since then. Up to about the first week of May, even though I did not consciously think about the actual event of the miscarriage, I felt the sadness and disappointment of it everyday. It is a difficult thing to try to put into words, but as with many things in life I guess, the experience becomes part of who you are.

I have found that over time, the pain eases somewhat, but I find that the miscarriage has left me a different person emotionally and physically. I began to have intense pressure in my head that would lead to terrible headaches. This began two days after the miscarriage( if I hadn’t been taking pain medication for cramping I might have noticed this right away). I am now being treated for moderate hypertension with a low dose of water pill and thankfully, this has taken the headaches and pressure away. Also, my patience level is much lower now and I get stressed out over very small things. Over the past few weeks, I feel some depression and anxiety creeping up on me. I just don’t feel that I have the ability to deal with things that happen in my life, the way I used to.

When I found out that I was pregnant in December of 2005, my husband and I were happy. We had been trying for 18 months and we had decided that we would not try anymore after the end of the year because of my age (I am now 42 years old). We so wanted a little brother or sister for our 2 year old son and I wanted to experience being pregnant and being a mother to another child very much. That is very much a difficult issue for me - coming to terms with the fact that it was our last chance.
I am so glad I visited this website. I have not read the book, but I plan to do it very soon. I believe I needed to read these comments on this website from people who have experienced the same thing I have.
I can’t wait to read this book. I need comfort.
Thank you', 'Wendy J

Hi, I have had two miscarriages in the last year and a half. I felt the same way, mistreated. I felt like no one cared on my husbands side of the family but my side of the family were really heart broken surprisingly I think my father grieved more than I did afterword. My father-in-law is a paramedic and mother-in-law is a lab tech and are immune to these sort of things. I think what was really hard is the fact my husbands brother’s wife was pregnant about the same time I was and now has two healthy babies one on the way. I feel for anyone out there who is grieving for there child. I hope all of our children are playing together in heaven. We all know Jesus will take care of them until we are there.', 'Roseanne

Dear Cindy,
I am so sorry for your loss and all you’re going through. While it seems you’ve got the support of some family members, I can’t understand anyone wanting you to host a babyshower at your house. I don’t believe you’re being ‘self-centered’ at all. You’re grieving the loss of your own little one and for anyone to expect you to host not just a party, but a BABY shower just isn’t thinking clearly about it. Perhaps they don’t understand what you’re truly feeling- how much you’re still grieving.

I could barely attend a baby shower for quite a while after my miscarriage, never mind give one.

Please don’t beat yourself up over this. In no way are you being selfish. I don’t think your family is trying to hurt you by asking you to hold the shower at your house, but I think you’ve got to explain to them that it’s just too painful for you right now.

If they can’t understand, it’s not your job to make them. I know saying ‘no’ can be tough, especially to family. Seems to me in this case you need to.

I wish you much healing, comfort, love and support. The days will get better, but you need to give yourself time to get there.

Blessings to you,
Ellen

’m so glad to have found this site. I miscarried in Aug 2006 at 18 weeks. Last Saturday would have been my due date and I can’t stop crying. I went to the hospital twice in late July/early Aug with really bad back pains, I’ve had kidney stones before so I figured that was the problem. A few weeks later I went to the bathroom and a gush came out - no blood just lots of water. We found out later that my water broke. I have a happy healthly 18 month son at home and a wonderful husband. It’s been months since we lost our second child and I still cry more then I care to admit. I cry at work in my office so nobody can see me and try my best to be o.k. at home. I’m not sure how to talk to my husband about this - any suggestions? I feel like I should be over this by now but I’m not even close. I get sad and just turn the pain into anger which I know is not healthly but I’m not sure how else to cope. How do I bring up my feeling to my husband when he seems to have gotten over it - he didn’t even mention the baby’s due date.
Any advice would be helpful.', 'Catherine', 'claird@beautyavenues.com

Hi Melissa-

Please know you are not alone. I am feeling very much the same today- sad mixed up and in a sense alone.

Perhaps you should try to talk to your husband again? You both really need each other right now. Try not ot let a divide develop. I know my husband feels guilty for "getting me pregnant" and it ending in miscarriage twice- like somehow he is the only party in the transaction! While I can’t totally understand his guilt, I do try to encourage him to talk to me about how he is feeling. Best wishes to you both. Be Well.

Hi Ellen- you opened the door to venting in your post yesterday and well, I’m back to vent.

I am the type of person who needs alot of information. I am sure I drive my doctor nuts. So today, I decided to investigate the relationship between hypothyroidism, miscarriage and low progesterone levels. Turns out every website under the sun recommends that if you are treated for hypothyroid- and I am- that as soon as you are pregnant, you get tested as the need for replacement hormones can be immediate in pregnancy- in fact a person may need as much as 50% more synthroid to maintain a pregancy.

Well- my ob/gyn is the one who found out after the birth of our daughter that I have this condition- but I have never been tested when I become pregnant. I’ve got to admit this anger is furthered by the fact that last fall when, with the blighted ovum, I decided to try and allow things to happen naturally, my doc said he would call me in a week. 2 1/2 weeks went by and no call and no miscarriage. I felt awfully sick- so I finally called his office- when I got in touch with him he admitted that my file had found its way to the bottom of the pile and he should have called me earlier.

I’ve been through alot with this doctor- he did emergency surgery on me when I had a ruptured ectopic, he allowed my husband to catch our daughter when she was born. He agreed to see me at every appointment and to persoanlly deliver our daughter instead of having me go through the rotation of doctors that is typical in a large office. He performed my D and C last fall.

But now I feel like he forgot me last fall and perhaps forgot again to test me for thyroid with this pregnancy.

I also understand that in my greif I could be searching for answers and trying to place blame. I get all of that, but I still think this seems weird.

So now I’ve got the D and C on Monday and he is doing it- I don’t think I want to mention any of this to him until after the surgery when I have a follow up. In the mean time I have made an appointment with a thyroid specialist and will pursue that angle for my own health.

So Mellissa- I couldn’t agree with you more- sometimes life does not happen the way we think it is going to and we just have to find the strength to deal with it.

Argh.', 'hopeful', 'chris.banka@gmail.com

Dear Laurel,
I am so sorry for your loss. You sound so devastated, and I along with everyone here can relate.

Please believe you are a wonderful person; did nothing wrong; and are not being punished by God. I know it feels that way, but it’s just not true.

You are grieving and are in deep pain. Your job, which requires you caring for a baby, must be so difficult right now. The way I see it, ANY job would be tough right now, but caring for a child when you’ve lost your own is a pretty full plate.

Please don’t beat yourself up and feel like you’re not doing a ‘good job.’ The fact that you’re able to go to work shows me you are strong, even amidst your tears and pain.

It seemed every pregnant woman I saw after I miscarried was a reminder of my loss. I think that’s where you’re at and believe me, I know the road. It’s very difficult to even be around pregnant women after a miscarriage-some more than others. We all respond differently. I felt very much like you do.

I know you’ve only been to counseling twice, but please give it a chance if it feels like it’ll do you some good in time. You can’t be expected to just ‘get over this’ and feel better right away. When you lose your baby to miscarriage, or suffer any kind of loss, you’re never expected to simply bounce back. You need to feel and express those feelings just like you did here.

It’s a start. It’s only the beginning. Your wound is still so raw and needs time to heal.

And heal you will. You will never forget the precious one you lost, but I know you will heal. You are not losing it...and it’s scary to feel like you are. I thought I was. Every day I’d cry and cry-as if the tears had an infinite supply. I couldn’t even grocery shop and walk down the baby isle without my eyes watering. It hurts so much and I want you to know there were days I truly thought I’d never be ‘normal’ again. I nearly forgot what ‘normal’ was.

Be gentle to yourself, Laurel. You will be in my thoughts and prayers. I will ask for others to offer some words of comfort to you. Perhaps you’ll find something that you’ll connect with-making you feel far less alone and far more understood.

Peace, Love, and Light to You,
Life sure doesn’t always work out the way I think!

I posted about 2 months ago when I miscarried for the 2nd time. Since then, I had my doctor do a full work up on myself and my husband. So we received bad news last weekend. There is nothing wrong with me, however my husband has an inverted chromosone. The doct’s are going to send us to a genetists to see what our chances are of having a healthy child. The doctors are saying we should be so thankful we found out now, but you know it’s a bitter pill to swallow. So I feel like my dreams of being a mother and being ripped away. I know there are other options, however I can’t help but feel crushed by this news. I’m guessing it wouldn’t be so bad if didn’t care about having a child, but I do. My husband feels horrible and feels he is to blame, but I know that’s not the truth. We have told only immediate family and they’re trying to help, but what can anyone say to this. And it’s ackward subject and I can’t talk to my husband about or he jst gets mad.

I jst need some help on what to do? How do you begin to get past an issue like this? I jst feel extremely sad and mixed up inside.', 'Melissa', 'smithm81@gmail.

Before I found out that I was pregnant I wasn’t even sure if I wanted kids. I’m 22 and have a year left in college. I wasn’t with my bf that long when I became pregnant so it was a big shock to the both of us. It took me a few days to get used to the idea that I would be a mother soon but it didn’t take long before I was truly happy and excited about it. I wasn’t sure if things would work out with my bf and I since our relationship was so premature but I didn’t care. I wanted this baby and that was my main concern. I’m 11 weeks along. I went to doctor yesterday to learn that my baby had died sometime after my 8 week appointment. I’m just devastated over it. I keep racking my brain trying to figure out what I did wrong. Even though I was assured that it wasn’t my fault I left that office feeling like a complete failure. I took the prenatal pills, I stayed out of smoky bars and ate well. It just doesn’t seem fair that some of us don’t get to keep our babies while others who have no regard for the life growing inside them end up having a healthy baby. It’s been a cruel ride these past few months. First I was shocked to find I was pregnant and now I am shocked to find out that I am not. I went to a softball game today with my bf only to find myself surrounded by babies and pregnant people. I felt angry and very envious of them. I sat there wondering if they knew just how lucky they were that they were able to keep their babies. I just hope that I can put this behind me and move on. I just feel empty and alone at this point. I was due to deliver Christmas day which is now going to be a sad holiday for me. I am glad that I found this forum. I feel comforted that I am not the only one going through this.',

I am really glad I found this website today. Yesterday an ultrasound confirmed that our baby died at 6 1/2 weeks. This is my second miscarriage- first was a blighted ovum in fall of 2007 - and forth pregnancy- first was ruptured ectopic, second brought us our beautful daughter and now the two first tri mester losses in just over 6 months. Since the birth of our daughter, I have developed a thyroid disorder and it may play a part in this but non one seems to know for sure.

Reading all of the comments on this site help me to realize my feelings are valid- I got home from the doctor yesterday to a package in my mail- when I opened it, it was a photo album with a picture of a baby on it- I have no idea where it came from. When I turned on the tv to see the news this morning, it was on TLC Bringing Home Baby- why does this have to happen? All of the reminders that make it seem like EVERYONE else is having a baby and we are not.

I have a D and C scheduled for Monday and hope that we will be able to learn why I have lost these two pregnancies. In the end, we will try again. We will find the strength and pray for a better outcome. For now, writing to you helps, greiving for a real loss helps and understanding that I am not alone helps- my friends just don’t get it and I think they will think we are nuts for already knowing we want to try again.

Thanks Ellen for creating a space for all of us to share our feelings. You are a blessing.', 'hopeful', 'chris.banka@gmail.com',

Dear Hopeful,

I am so sorry for your losses, this last one being so recent. You’ve walked a very difficult path, and I am glad I could be here for you during this time of emotional upheaval.

Yes, YOUR FEELINGS are VALID. I am so grateful that reading the comments of others helped you to realize this. My heart goes out to you, and I know those who read your words feel the same. We all form a sort bond and reassure each other that those who have miscarried have suffered a real loss with all the grief associated with it.

I know you loved your precious baby, and I do pray that you will find some answers. Developing a thyroid disorder can be complicated, and my prayers are not only for your healing after miscarriage, but for your overall health, too.

I don’t know what it is, but after something as painful as a miscarriage, it feels like the world is reminding us of our babies who crossed over into Heaven. As you said, you received a baby album in the mail, and then turned on the TV only to find a show about Bring Home Baby. I also seemed to see everything under the sun about babies after my miscarriage, including every pregnant woman on the planet. (Well, it certainly felt that way.)

The thing is, what matters right now is you, your feelings, your grief and ultimately, your healing. Expressing yourself here is a big step, and you can always come back and ‘vent’ some more. There’s never "too much" to say, or get off your chest.

Your family’s feelings matter, too. Those who were expecting a little one also are hurting in their own way, and it’s important for all of us to recognize that entire families are thrown for a loop after miscarriage. Siblings may be old enough to expect a brother or sister are wondering what happened. Fathers have feelings which run very deep. They are mourning a son or daughter, but often try to be strong for their wife or partner and hold a lot in. Aunts and uncles grieve, too, as do grandparents. All are in my thoughts and prayers.

When you and your husband decide to try again, it’s your choice to do so. I know what you mean about your friend’s opinions, but, it’s not their walk. This is your path and you know what is best for you. Please take things a step at a time. I know you’ll get through your D&C fine, and I’ll be praying for you. You will heal and if you decide to try again-every blessing and prayer for a successful pregnancy and healthy baby is sent from my heart to yours.

It’s my honor to have this space for you.

Love, Light and Healing,

Ellen',

'Miscarriage and The Spirits of our Babies.

Hello Everyone,

You are all in my thoughts and prayers. I think about you, your miscarriage and the pain you are in all the time. There are moments when I wonder if sharing some of my personal beliefs would be of comfort to you. I know we all have our own belief systems, and are entitled to them. Just as I share mine, you can share yours. I don’t expect us to feel the same. That’s where I’m coming from. I respect the right we have to believe what feels right. That being said, I’d like to share my feelings on miscarriage and the spirits of our babies.

Today’s angel message from my Perpetual Angel Calendar by Doreen Virtue is: "All stress is self-imposed, since all stress-inducing situations are elected by your own free will. You also have the free will to reduce or eliminate stress."

I feel very connected to spirit. I call the world spirits live in Heaven, the other realm, the thin veil, and our home with God. To me they are all the same.

When I think about someone I’ve loved who has crossed over, I feel a warmth within my body. When it’s my Nana and Pop, (grandparents), my brother, (David, whom I never met because he crossed over when my mother was seven months pregnant with me), my Grammy, and others who have touched my life and heart deeply, I feel them around me. I think the power of thought, being energy, is what calls spirit to us. I don’t believe we need words to convey love to spirits because the mere thought of someone on the other side is all it takes to for them to ‘hear’ me.

What do I believe a spirit to be? I think it’s who we really are housed inside of a human body. The part of us that comes from and is God which connects us all is spirit to me. It’s our soul...which is also our spirit.

When I look at myself in the mirror, for example, I know I’m Ellen. It’s my hair, face, body, etc. But, do I think that’s what makes me...me? No. I believe the spirit living inside my body makes me who I am. I am a spiritual being living a human experience.

So, how does this relate to miscarriage? There is a very strong connection (to me). You see, my baby never got a chance to live the human experience, yet I know his spirit never died. His spirit, for whatever reasons, went back home to heaven, or the other side, before his human experience began.

Did I think this way when I miscarried? No. Not really. I mean, I believed in Heaven and the soul, the spirit. But, I was deeply hurt, sad, depressed, you name it and I didn’t have the sixteen years plus to become who I am today. I hadn’t grown in this direction yet.

As time went on, I found myself seeking more and more information on God, Heaven, life after this life on earth, the other side, spirits, angels and more. I think it’s part of my genetic makeup to be a seeker. It’s simply who I am.

When I think of Alex, as I am right this moment, I feel a warmth within me. It surrounds me and makes me smile. Although I wish he lived on this earth, I know the path taken was the one that had to be taken. I can’t say why...I only know it to be my truth. But, knowing, not just believing, Alex is very much alive in spirit and in a world that’s only separated from mine by a very thin veil, is very comforting to me. It’s not something I ever forced. It’s more like the deeper I dove into life after this life, the more I became aware of how close to Heaven we actually are- and that means our loved ones are very, very close to us all the time, too. I view Heaven as a transparency placed over the earth- only about three feet higher. Heaven operates on a much higher vibrational frequency and energy than earth, but it’s right here all the time, surrounding us. I think of Alice stepping through the looking glass and entering a whole, new world. To me, that’s where Heaven is...right through some invisible looking glass that we all eventually step through.

And that is where I believe my son’s spirit is. I will always love him. I will always miss him. I will always wonder what direction life would have taken had he be born and lived. There will always be a place in my heart for him. We will always be connected by a divine, silver thread which does make its way through the ‘looking glass’ into Heaven.

Thanks for taking the time to read some of my deepest feelings. I wish you all Love, Healing and Light.

Ellen '2008-06-01 12:03:23

I had a miscarriage about 5 months ago i was 5 months along in my pregnancy, it was a beautiful baby boy and i am having trouble coping. I have been trying to get pregnant again but with no success but i am not giving up.. I am really glad i found this site and that i am not alone.', 'Leslyn', 'lovekitten20016@yahoo.com

I just recently experienced a miscarriage about two weeks ago and I am having a hard time. I was 10 weeks along with my first baby and I woke up to some small spotting and the next thing I know is the doctor telling me that the baby no longer had a heartbeat and that since I was 10 weeks along they needed to perform a D&C....I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. I was in shock...I went from being pregnant to just being.

The last couple of weeks I just feel so empty. My husband was so excited that he told everyone right away so I have spent the last couple of weeks trying to get the word out but I made it to church the Sunday after it happened and someone came up to me and congratulated me and I burst out into tears.

Somehow I still feel like it’s my fault. I was sick with this horrible cough and was throwing up the weekend before and I keep thinking that if I had just gone into the doctor, this might not have happened. Since it was my first pregnancy, I just thought it was morning sickness....

My husband keeps telling me not to worry, that we will start trying again as soon as the doctor gives the ok, but I keep on thinking about the baby, I had already grown so attached. And the pregnancy symptoms have now all gone away. That’s the strange part. I don’t know how to explain it, but everytime I look in the mirror and see myself so unpregnant, I begin to start crying. And of course, everyone around me is pregnant right now. My sister-in-law just had her baby yesterday, my best friend is due to two months, and I don’t know why, but I keep reading the pregnancy calendars to see where I would have been...I was so excited to be pregnant.

I think it’s more than just losing the baby...during my first ultrasound I found out that I have a heart-shaped uterus and it got me worrying a whole lot about the baby and everything and now I’m really afraid that it will happen again. The doctor says she doesn’t think it had anything to do with my uterus, but there is still that voice in the back of my head telling me I’m defective and that it’s all my fault that this happened....

And so many people have been sharing their stories with me since it has happened and although they can relate because it happened to them as well or their mother or their sister, I don’t want to hear anymore stories. I just want to crawl under a rock and hide there or wake up from this nightmare.

And everyone seems to think I’m ok. That’s the crazy part, I am ok on the outside, the doctor says I am healing nicely, that everything is ok, etc. and I have been coming to work, doing my job, chatting with friends, doing all the normal things people do, but inside I feel like I’m dying...I feel like I’m dying....

Does anyone understand?', 'empty', 'celina_duran25@hotmail.com 2008-05-29 15:31:35

it’s been 3 and a half weeks since i lost my wish to have my third baby I have ups and downs but today is a down day and i needed a place to vent. I just got my period for the first time since the m c and i am having a really ruff time i feel like i am reliving the day when my dream for my baby was taken from me.My husband is so sad that i feel this way but we are tring to talk more to each other about this. I do believe this happenened for a reason but then i feel thats not good enough for me. One thing is that i feel for all of you women it’s sp hard a god bless you all some day I hope all of your dreams come true.', 'Stacy', 'thebagelshoppe@frontiernet.net', '2007-02-11 08:42:16

After trying for 6 years to get pregnant, I finally had that positive test. I finally had my miracle. Only, my miracle ended in miscarriage last night. I was supposed to be 7 weeks. My baby was only 5 weeks, (or 3 weeks gestation) though. I found this out 2 nights ago after sitting in the ER for 9 hours due to some bleeding that had started that night. My hcg levels were too low, and the u/s dating was too far behind to be possible or to have any sort of good outcome. I knew as soon as the words "4-5 weeks" came out of the doctors mouth. My positive test was 4 weeks ago from that point! It was impossible to only be that far. After sharing that information, the doctors agreed, and pretty much told me to expect the miscarriage to progress from threatened to inevitable. My heart sank. 6 hours after going home, the cramps started. Another 6 hours from there, the sac that contained the cells that were supposed to have been my child, my miracle, passed out of me. Maybe I’m crazy for it, but I kept it... That tiny pea-sized sac, still intact, containing its fluid, and whatever small piece of my child that had developed inside of it. I wrapped it carefully in tissue, and I stared at it, crying for what seemed forever, as the reality sank in that I was no longer pregnant. That chances are I might not ever again be as such. This was my child, my only child, my lifelong dream, and its gone. I put it into a small box. I want to give it a proper burial, as silly or as crazy as that may be. Its my child. I had a follow up appointment today, and it was torture sitting in the waiting room with all of the other moms to be. The ones who were rubbing their big pregnant bellies, and looking lovingly at their ultrasound pictures, while gently rocking another child in a carrier at their side. I’m so happy for these women, for their success, yet so upset for myself, for my loss. My m/c is complete, and now I have to repeat followups every week to monitor my hcg levels. Seeing all the pregnant women with happy pregnant faces week after week, while I silent sob and try to hide wiping away the tears that pour from my eyes, and suffocating the vocal pains that emanate from my heart.
Every time I go to the toilet, I am reminded of what is lost. Every time I feel those horrible contracting cramps I am reminded that my child is dead. Every time I close my eyes to try and sleep (which is impossible) I see the child that never will be.
Of course I will keep trying, and maybe lightning will strike twice and I can conceive again. And maybe this time, it will stick. All I can do is be cautiously optimistic that maybe just maybe something will go right for me. Otherwise I’m bound to go insane.

Everywhere I look I see all these signs that the world is laughing at me, poking fun at my grief. I see ads on TV about pregnancy, or pregnant women, or pregnancy references in the shows I watch, or an ad about babies or pregnancy that pops up on some site as I try to browse the web and busy my mind. Each time I see these things, it is as if the world were rubbing salt in this massive wound in my soul. I know this isn’t factual, and sounds out and out silly, but its truly how it feels at times, and I’m only just beginning this long road to recovery.

Sorry this was so long. Thank you for reading my story.', 'Kitty', 'ossifer_katora@hotmail.com', '2007-02-12 16:24:03

Hi,
English is not my mother tongue, so please forgive any spelling mistakes I make. They come from my grammar but the words come from my "french canadian" heart.
I’m in so much pain, I can barely see what I am writing. A week ago, I had my third miscarriage, or spontaneous abortion like the doctors call it... No matter the name it hurts. Even after the physical pain is gone, the heart ache is still there. I was over 12 weeks pregnant, we had waited for the 3 month mark to tell our friends and family. Yet, once again we had to share the bad news. The doctors were happy in an odd kind of way, "now that you’ve had your third spontaneous abortions we can conduct different tests..." Yeah sure, you can poke me, examine me to make sure I’ve elimanated everything inside my uterus, yet the pain and the tears are not always visible on your monitors. It seems even thougher as the days go by, I thought the pain would shrink but it isn’t... for everytime I see a doctor and tell him my story I not only relive this miscarriage but also the two others. And their only conforting words are : "you’re only 32, you are still young and healthy." Of course it makes me pround to exercice, eat healthy, not smoke, nor drink... all of this adds up to miscarriages... This probably makes no sence... I just need to get it out... I did everything right, I did everything I was suppose to, this shouldn’t of happend again... I need time to grieve but with all the doctors appointements I have scheduled I don’t know how that will be possible. Last Saturday, I was able to hold back the tears but haven’t been able to do so since. I am thankful to have a place to go and post my message. tahnk you for reading me.', 'Julie', 'juliemarielacoste@yahoo.ca', '2007-02-10 10:29:51

Ellen says:

Dear Katie,
I am so sorry. I can’t imagine the terrible emotional ride you’ve been on. To lose so many babies so closely together must be overwhelming.

My heart and prayers and certainly with you.

One thing that’s really bothering me is the apparent ‘easy’ dismissal by those in the medical community you’re seeing. I’m not saying they are bad people; I’m saying they are not addressing your grief in any way. At least that’s what I’m reading into this very sad story.

If only...

If only your primary OB said to you, "I’m so sorry for your loss. What can I do to help? Would you like a referral to talk to someone?"

If only the fertility specialist said, "I’m so sorry. What can I do? Do you need help? Would a support group benefit you and your husband?"

I know what it’s like to feel stuck. It’s a scary, lonely place and I wish there were an easy way to tell you how to move forward. But, there’s not. You’re grieving...multiple losses. You’re grieving your chance at motherhood possibly being gone. I’m not saying it is...there is always hope. However, I understand your grief, as do many of the women here who, like you, have bared their hearts and souls.

YOU, the women here, and those all over the world who have miscarried are proof of the support still needed so very much. Not only in the medical community, (which is where I think it needs to begin), but at home, with friends, and in support groups sprouting up all over the place to help women, men, & other family members cope with the loss of a baby to miscarriage.

After what you’ve been through, I have to say I admire your strength. Your ability to even share your pain while comforting others is both touching and inspiring.

Moving forward is something that’s done on a step-by-step basis, and nobody can tell you how fast or when it will or should happen. Your heart will know when it’s time to begin moving forward- and that will come after a lot of grieving has taken place. We can’t move forward if we don’t grieve. It’s like saying we can be full if we’re hungry and haven’t yet eaten. You must eat first to be full. You must grieve first to move forward.

How long do you grieve? It’s different for each of us. AND, there’s a big difference between grieving and moving forward while still remembering your baby, or babies. When you begin to feel yourself moving forward, you’ll still miss your babies. You’ll still remember them and feel sad. There will be times when all seems to be going along just fine and you suddenly cry over your lost little ones. That’s not a bad thing, nor is it a set back. It’s normal. It’s life- the tough part.

My son would have been sixteen-years old this year and I still cry sometimes.

Just as I still cry over the loss of my grandparents.

People who have walked this earth and touched our lives are missed, just as those who never got the chance to walk this earth but were here nonetheless, are missed.

Your babies, my baby, all of our babies were HERE but not seen or held. They are missed and loved and there’s nothing wrong with that. From the moment we find out we are pregnant, many of us fall in love with our babies.

That very same love forever ties our hearts to the babies we lost.

I know I’ve gone on in a million directions. I’m sorry if I’ve rambled. Know you are not alone; my thoughts and prayers are with you; and I wish you healing, love, light, support, and for your dreams of motherhood to come true- be it through having a baby biologically, or adopting a baby. Whichever is the RIGHT path for you.

Blessings to you,
Ellen 2007-01-23 16:17:01

Katie says:

My heart breaks for all of us who have lost our babies. This is such a terrible thing. I recently experienced my fifth loss and I am still reeling from the shock of it all.

My first pregnancy began in January 2006. My grandmother passed away on the first and it seemed fitting to be pregnant right after losing her. She loved babies so much, I felt as if she was watching over us and blessing the pregnancy. We had not been trying for a baby "yet," but were planning on starting to try in the spring. Even though it was earlier than planned, my husband and I were THRILLED. When I started spotting a week after the positive test (at 6 weeks), we were shocked. I had always thought that a positive pregnancy test means a healthy baby. Sure, I had heard of miscarriage, but no close friends or family had ever had one. That only happened to "other" people. Well, it had happened to me, and I honestly thought my life was over. But my OB said that it was so common and urged us to wait one cycle and try again.

So, we did, and lost that baby in March at 5 weeks. We were advised to wait 3 months to try again. In July, we conceived and lost that baby at 6 weeks. After that third loss, my OB grudgingly referred us to a fertility specialist. My OB wasn’t good at handling recurrent loss. She basically told me that I was making a mountain out of a molehill and all women lose this many pregnancies, most just don’t know it, because it happens so early. Well, good for those women! But I KNOW I am pregnant when I miscarry and these are still babies! Also, all of my friends are trying for babies, and one thing I know about women trying for babies - they are pee-on-a-stick-aholics, so they would ALL know if they were 6 weeks pregnant! And none of them are losing their pregnancies.

We were’t trying for our fourth pregnancy in August, but were just as sad when we lost that one at 5 weeks.

We had all of the fertility testing done and everything came back "normal" in September. Our RE said that everything looked fine and recommended we try one more time on our own.

We got pregnant in October and everything looked great. Early ultrasounds showed appropriate growth and at 8 weeks, we saw a healthy heartbeat - 176 bpm! Our RE put our chances of miscarriage at less than 3% and released us to a new OB. I was SICK AS A DOG, ending up in the ER twice for fluids. Everyone smiled when I told them how sick I was. It was a good sign of a healthy baby I was told.

On December 8, at our first appointment with our new OB, we eagerly looked forward to another ultrasound. We were 11 weeks and we were planning on taking the ultrasound pictures to my husband’s family right after the appointment to let them know about the baby. But there was no heartbeat. The baby had stopped growing almost a week before, but my body had no idea. I had to have a D&C. They sent the tissue for testing, but since the baby had been dead for over a week by that time, our OB is doubtful we will get any results.

I feel so empty, so helpless, so hopeless. I keep losing my precious angels and no one seems to really care. The medical community considers that I have had four "chemical" pregnancies (we had bloodwork confirm all of them, but never made it far enough for an ultrasound) and one miscarriage. Even our RE doesn’t seem that concerned. But how many times must I go through this? How much heartbreak can one couple endure?

I feel as if I am grieving so much. I am grieving five little angels, the death of my "innocent pregnancy," and possibly even my future motherhood. As Neil said, I have the unusual problem of having no problem with conception. I just can’t stay pregnant. And because we get pregnant so easily, the doctors seem to dismiss us all the more.

My husband has been wonderful, but he and I grieve very differently. It seems he has already moved on, but I am still stuck. I don’t know how to move forward. '2007-01-23 16:16:23

Hello Everyone,
A comment came in at MiscarriageHelp.com, and my heart simply broke for this poor woman. She’s lived through both a miscarriage AND a still-birth, and in an effort to reach somebody who has lived the same, I am posting her message here & on my <a href="http://www.amazon.com/exec/..." target="new">Amazon.com</a> blog.
If you feel you’re able to offer her some words of comfort and assurance, please do. It’s in reaching out to others that we often help ourselves heal. Thank you to anyone who feels able to respond to this. (Either here or on Amazon.com).
Peace to you,
Ellen
(COMMENT)
Ellen-
I am not sure if the is the right place for me to seek answers butI will try- I have had term Pregnancies resulting in healthy babies- In aug. 05- I had a mc at 11 weeks- the doc appointment before baby had HR of 160- next appointment nothing- I had a D&C the next morning- I thought it was the most devestating thing that could ever happen until October 9, 2006 when I delivered my baby Gabrielle still- I am trying to find others that have had these two very different experiences- and see if htey were able to have a successful pg afterwards ? Most I have "talked" to have either had mc in the first trimester or still birth- I have found no one with both! I know I cannot be a rarity- I am 38 and wanting answers- as this will help with closure and if we even want to TTC again- I just do not think I can take another loss! I hope someone here can provide some help- or direct em to where I can get some help- we do not have the pathology reports backa dn my doc is going to work me up at my 6 week check in November- Thank you for any help you can provide.
Monday, October 23, 2006 09:35:26

Kelley says:
I am so confused about what I should be doing and feeling right now. I just passed most of the blood and tissue from my miscarriage last night/early this morning. I had gone to the doctor concerned at 12 weeks, because the symptoms of my pregnancy were dissipating. I had passed a small "ball" of yellow mucous (something that hadn’t happened in either of my previous pregnancies).

The midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat with doppler. I was sent down the hall for a sonagram and told the baby had stopped growing at 8 weeks and the sack at 10 and the sack was deformed. I started bleeding 2 days later, passing several large clots over about 4 days. The cramping & pain and heavy clots were off and on, but yesterday I went for a follow up and based on what I told the midwife, she thought maybe I had already been through the worst. She asked if I had seen any tissue and I told her I wasn’t sure...I didn’t want to examine the big clots too closely, afraid of what I might find. But last night, the pain was unbearable. The cramps were like labor pains, and the clots just kept coming, one after another. At one a.m, I called the OB at the hospital, and he told me that he suspected I was really just starting the actual miscarriage and I had a long night ahead. He was right. Finally at about 4 am, I passed a huge blob of tissue...like a grapefruit. I put it in a bag, and am afraid to look. Is it the placenta? The sack? Is the baby in there? I’m afraid if I do find the baby, I’ll be traumatized forever. And if I don’t look, I’ll feel guilty forever. I don’t want my husband to think I’m a freak if he comes home in a while with our two little boys and finds me digging through it. I’m just so scared and sad and wondered if anyone has any thoughts!

Saturday, October 07, 2006 10:27:34

I stumbled across this website today and felt compelled to write down my feelings. I have suffered 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years. The first two were at around 8 weeks, however the last was at 19 weeks. Today would be my due date, and I am completely heartbroken. I feel so alone, even though I have the love of my partner, I feel as though no one around me understands my pain. I feel like its all been swept under the carpet, a bad memory that no one must ever talk about again.
It hurts me so much, especially today. I keep imagining what my baby would look like, and the utter joy I would have felt on giving birth.
I have had some investugations, although no cause for my miscarriages has been determined, its just simply ‘bad luck’.
I feel completely terrified to try again for a baby as I believe my heart will break if i suffer another miscarriage.
I feel I will never get over my loss, and find it hard to cope with the reactions of other people. A miscarriage is a bereavement, but the attitude i’ve had is ‘oh well you can always try again’. Alot of my friends and family members are pregnant at the moment, and it seems that whenever I open a newspaper of switch on the tv I am swarmed with pregnant women. I know it sounds terrible but i feel so resentful of some of these women. How come I can’t carry a baby to term and experience all the rewards and love that a baby brings. My partner and I have so much to offer a child. We both have good jobs, myself being a teacher and would be able to devote so much time, love and energy.
I feel that God is against me. Am I being punished, is it my fault?
I take comfort from your comments, wish you all well, and hope that we will all get to experience the joy of having a child, be it a first or an addition to an already established family.
Love and God bless xx', 'Welshie', 'vickylee84@live.co.uk 2008-05-28 08:52:59

You mentioned a ‘swept under the rug’ attitude which seems to prevail when it comes to miscarriage. That is (in part) what this site is all about. Miscarriage IS a very REAL loss, and when people, including more of the medical community, realize this, women and their families will be treated like they deserve after miscarriage. One of my greatest prayers/wishes is for counseling to be offered, (at least), after a woman miscarries. The mind, body AND spirit need healing after miscarriage. If support can be offered, it’s up to the individual to take it, or not. My point lies in the offering. By offering support, miscarriage and its fallout are acknowledged. When this happens, a woman’s feelings are validated and she doesn’t feel as crazy, alone and left out in the cold.

Instead, I hear another very disturbing and sad story about a woman who was simply told after she miscarried or was about to, Your baby is dead- and then she’s left alone! What is that?

As far as you being punished by God...I personally don’t believe you are being punished. But, I can’t make you feel differently. Right now, you are feeling whatever it is you need to feel in order to get through this. I will add, however, that I believe in a God that loves and protects us- who doesn’t want to hurt us. But, when we can’t find the answers to some of the most painful things in life, we often try to find blame somewhere. Many times, we end up feeling like God must have done this because we were ‘bad’ or it’s a ‘karma’ thing. I can’t tell you exactly why I miscarried and I hurt as deeply as anyone here. All I can say is this, and you can take it for whatever it is: Had I not gone through the pain of miscarriage, I wouldn’t be here right now writing these words. There’d be other wonderful support sites- there ARE wonderful miscarriage support sites on the Internet. But, my life and purpose ‘is what it is’ and the only way I could get here was through living what I did. I didn’t like it, that’s for sure. I wouldn’t want to relive it...But, I did live it and I guess it was in the cards for me to write about it and start this site. That’s about all I can say there. I really don’t know the answers, but try to trust in God and His plans for me.

If someone said that to me right after I miscarried, I’d think they were nuts. So, please don’t think I’m dismissing your pain. I realize you see things through tear-filled eyes now, and I’d never, ever minimize your pain.

After miscarriage it seems like every pregnant woman on the planet is placed right in front of you. I am so sorry for this feeling you have. I felt it...big time. I hated how I felt jealous of pregnant friends, etc. I couldn’t stand crying every time a baby commercial came on, or I saw another celebrity pregnant on the cover of a magazine. It’s a scary place to be, but you are very normal in these feelings.

Please go easy on yourself. If you have faith, please lean upon it and ask for help. If there’s a support group around and you feel inclined to join, please give yourself permission to do so. If writing your feeling OUT helps, like you did here, please know you can come back and do it anytime you want.

You are HEARD. Your miscarriage MATTERS. YOU matter.

Love, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

2008-05-28 12:52:48

Dear Welshie,
I am so sorry for all three of your losses. You have had to endure so much pain in a short period of time, and I understand this is such an emotionally difficult time for you.

Miscarriage and its fallout are so often misunderstood. It’s as if people don’t get the fact that a woman, (and her family in many cases), are grieving the loss of a baby after miscarriage. Because nobody ‘saw’ the baby, it’s as if it didn’t exist. Perhaps that’s a bit extreme, but the compassion shown towards a woman who miscarried runs just short of being invisible, at best. Not all the time, but too many times.

Right now would have been your due date. It must be a very painful day for you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

In addition, being surrounded by pregnant women, both in your life and on the TV and in magazines, newspapers, etc., just makes things feel worse. I remember whenever I saw a pregnant woman, whether on TV or someone I knew, I felt like I’d burst into a million tears. I tried so hard not to lose it, and felt terribly guilty for feeling so jealous. I wanted my friends who were pregnant to be happy. I wanted their babies to be healthy. I loved babies and still do. But, each time I saw anything that reminded me of what I lost- MY baby, I had a very hard time holding it together.

Did I blame God or look to Him for some sort of answer? Did I think I may have done something wrong and my miscarriage was punishment for it? Yes. I did feel that way for a time. Yet, something inside of me knew it wasn’t the truth. Not my truth. (We all have our truths and beliefs).

Only time gave me the chance to see things differently. I needed to grieve and heal, learn and feel, both emotionally and spiritually. I couldn’t force this to happen. It just did. I am a seeker and always have been. The more time passed, the more my thinking changed until one day I knew, without a doubt, that I needed to write a book about my experiences after miscarriage.

Am I saying that every woman who miscarries should write a book? Of course not. Actually, it was eleven years after I miscarried that the thought crossed my mind. Actually, it was more like a shout.

What I’m getting at is this: I went through all the self blame, the blaming of God, the thoughts of being punished...you name it. I hated how I felt, and know you don’t like how you feel. I realize how lonely and sad it is, and I wish I could take some of it away from you.

Sadly, we must grieve in order to heal. I learned that each loss in our life needs to be grieved separately. (I learned that from Dr. Linda Backman, who wrote the foreword and several commentaries in my book). It made sense to me. We can’t group our losses into one big lump and try to grieve them as if they are one. They are not. Each life touches our hearts and is precious. You have three babies you are grieving...I am by your side in thought and/or prayer. There’s not a woman here who hasn’t felt the pain of miscarriage- the families, too. 2008-05-28 12:52:20

I stumbled across this website today and felt compelled to write down my feelings. I have suffered 3 miscarriages in the past 2 years. The first two were at around 8 weeks, however the last was at 19 weeks. Today would be my due date, and I am completely heartbroken. I feel so alone, even though I have the love of my partner, I feel as though no one around me understands my pain. I feel like its all been swept under the carpet, a bad memory that no one must ever talk about again.
It hurts me so much, especially today. I keep imagining what my baby would look like, and the utter joy I would have felt on giving birth.
I have had some investugations, although no cause for my miscarriages has been determined, its just simply ‘bad luck’.
I feel completely terrified to try again for a baby as I believe my heart will break if i suffer another miscarriage.
I feel I will never get over my loss, and find it hard to cope with the reactions of other people. A miscarriage is a bereavement, but the attitude i’ve had is ‘oh well you can always try again’. Alot of my friends and family members are pregnant at the moment, and it seems that whenever I open a newspaper of switch on the tv I am swarmed with pregnant women. I know it sounds terrible but i feel so resentful of some of these women. How come I can’t carry a baby to term and experience all the rewards and love that a baby brings. My partner and I have so much to offer a child. We both have good jobs, myself being a teacher and would be able to devote so much time, love and energy.
I feel that God is against me. Am I being punished, is it my fault?
I take comfort from your comments, wish you all well, and hope that we will all get to experience the joy of having a child, be it a first or an addition to an already established family.
Love and God bless xx', 'Welshie', 'vickylee84@live.co.uk 2008-05-28 08:52:13

Dear Adriana,
I am so sorry for your loss, for both you and your husband. It’s been a long two years of trying to conceive, and to have it end in such heartache...I’m sorry.

You know, it’s our nature as human beings to have our hearts tell us one thing, and our heads another. I know your logic tells you you’re not a failure, yet something deep inside tells you differently. I think it’s part of grieving. Although I’m no expert, you can’t help but wonder what went wrong. When you don’t find the answer, blame rears its ugly head and you often feel you’re the cause of your miscarriage.

I know that terrible feeling will go away over time, but right now you are grieving and sadly, those feelings exist. Writing them out, which I am glad you did, (but wish you didn’t have reason to), helps. Just venting to those who know your pain is a way of letting some of it go- or at least feeling more understood and less alone. That is why we are all here.

When those you care about are pregnant, in your case three people, it’s very difficult. I remember barely being able to be around pregnant women after my miscarriage, and this feeling lasted some time. I couldn’t stand myself for feeling like I did. I wanted to be so happy for them, and part of me really was. Then, there was the part that was so terribly sad and jealous, if you will. It wasn’t that I didn’t want them to be happy and have healthy, beautiful babies. I did. But, being around them constantly reminded me of what I didn’t have- what I lost.

Over time I learned to embrace the joy of another’s pregnancy, although the sting was still there. That’s something I couldn’t help at the time. If you’re feeling like this, please go easy on yourself. Be gentle to YOU.

One day at a time may sound cliche, but it’s the only way we can make it through. Each day we travel down the road to healing and recovery after miscarriage is a day we’ve gotten closer to mending our broken hearts. You will always remember your baby, and I hope you’ve got a support system to turn to. If not, we are here. I am here. Your feelings of sadness and aching are very real, as is your loss.

Please reach out to whatever or whomever helps you- be it your faith, your friends, family, husband, etc. If you need some calming of your mind and don’t really feel comfortable talking to your two best friends because they are pregnant, you may want try some wonderful guided meditations when you can- if it’s something that feels right. If you need to talk it out, there are grief counselors, support groups, this site and more to help you, stand by you, and offer you all the support in the world.

I will keep you and your husband in my thoughts and prayers.

You have a very giving heart- "I wish us all a lot of love and babies." That was a beautiful thing you said, and I feel the same.

Blessings, Love, and Healing Light to you,
Ellen

2008-05-27 05:40:52

I’m 32 and we’ve been trying to conceive since almost two years. We started fertility treatments end of 2007, even though after all exams neither me or my hubby were diagnosed with a problem. I guess we’re in the 10% of "infertile" couples (don’t conceive naturally after a year) for which there is no medical explanation. We started 3 months with Clomid with no result and then after a first IUI (intra-uterine insemination) I got pregnant. It was really the happiest day of our lives, it was like we were waking up from the nightmare of trying to conceive, ovulation tests, negative pregnacy tests, blood samples, scheduled sec,... was over. Although we knew there were risks of miscarriage like in all pregnancies we could not believe that after waiting so long for our sweet baby that this would be taken from us. But it did... Three weeks ago at the first u/s, there was no heartbeat and no normal development. I was (and am) devasted, I just cannot believe it is happening, all our dreams were shattered and our little on will never be.I am angry, upset and sad and have the impression everyone around me is pregnant, including my two best friends and my sister-in-law. I am trhilled for them but aching so much because I’m not one of them. I feel like a failure (even though I know I am not)... I feel confort to read that I am not alone and that this happens (unfortunately) to some of us, I just wish it woudl be easier. It felt good to right my feeligs, I wish us all a lot of love and babies.', 'Adriana', 'marta_silvamendes@yahoo.com 2008-05-26 10:06:18

Dear Ellen,
I just wanted to thank you for posting Mandy’s story. I relate to her completely.

I miscarried two years ago and I was deeply grieving. Because I have two children, (at the time they were 5 and 3), I was told things like, "At least you’ve got the two kids," and "You really should be strong and get over this for your children. It wasn’t meant to be. There was probably something wrong with the baby."

I nearly died when I heard these words from the people I loved and counted on the most! They clearly couldn’t see what I was living, and that I was grieving the loss of a CHILD.

Mandy, know that you’re not alone and my heart goes out to you and others who have had to live this.

Thank you for this site and for listening to me.

God Bless all of the women here.

Sunday, January 27, 2008 11:24:16

hi i had a miscarriage i didnt know i was pregnant me and my husband has been trying for a year and i just couldnt get pregnant i am going to a fertility clinic and got some hope that i can one day have a child it just kills me that i have lost that chance and i know there is always nexttime but it hurts so much i havent had my moms help with this its been my bestfriend and some family but i am really tore up with my mom not being here for me my dad even told me to get over the miscarriage and that i brang this on myself i am having a rough time dealing with this my doctor put me on this medicine provera to make me start my period and now i finally started i cant stop i am conerned i will be told that i have to much problems to try again

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 13:22:45', 'Tabitha', 'eeyore3152000@yahoo.com', '0', '423', '2008-08-28 21:26:51', 'cache-dtc-ad03.proxy.aol.com', '205.188.116.197', '1'); INSERT INTO nucleus_comment (cnumber, cbody, cuser, cmail, cmember, citem, ctime, chost, cip, cblog) VALUES( '1127', 'Dear Megan,

You are always welcome here, and I’m so sorry you’re in such pain. It’s not been very long since your miscarriage, and triggers to tears can be anything. TV commercials, a movie, a song, just thinking can make you cry. I know it hurts, and if I could take it away I would.

Sadly, we both know I can’t.

One thing I’d like to say to you, as I did Shan, is your miscarriage was not your fault. I know how much you wanted to hold and see your baby. Believe me, I’ve been there. I know you keep wondering how far along you’d be by now...again, I was there and it hurt so deeply. I can honestly say I feel what you feel. You are still grieving, and are very volatile right now. Emotions seem to run all over the board for quite some time after a miscarriage.

Why? You lost the baby you loved and dreamed about. How can you not feel sad and have this longing inside of you? Please know you are normal for feeling as you do, and by far are not alone.

If you have some days that are okay, and then slip into days full of tears, by no means is it a setback. I still cry over my miscarriage sometimes. Can you believe that? Sixteen plus years and I still cry? No, not like I used to, but I do. Today I probably will because I’m going to the place I held my memorial service for him. I am going to say some prayers, or just talk to my son in Heaven and to God. I will cry for sure. And, I’m not going kick myself for doing so. Feelings are feelings and need to be released, shared, and support and comfort needs to be available.

Sometimes, looking inside for support helps. I do believe we need to talk it over with each other, with grief counselors, with supports groups, etc. I also believe we need to talk to God, or whatever you’re comfortable calling a power greater than yourself. I call God...God. That’s what I’m comfortable with. I find strength within when I feel there’s nothing left. I find hope within when it seems to be depleated. I find comfort amidst my tears when there seems to be no comfort in sight. All of this and more is found when I still myself, allow myself to feel, cry, let it out, and ask for help...from within...from God.

Between faith and other loving, supportive people, you will be okay. It may not seem it now, and I know healing appears so far away. Like the moon hiding behind the clouds, healing is there- you just can’t see it yet.

Know I am here for you, and so many other are, too. Come back whenever you want.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love, Healing and Light to you,
Ellen'2008-05-26 08:10:06

Dear Tabitha,
I am so sorry for your loss. It seems like you’ve been on a very emotional ride between fertility treatments, your miscarriage, and the lack of support from your parents.

One thing I want to emphasize here: You did NOT bring your miscarriage on yourself! I don’t think your father meant to be mean when he said this, although I wonder what he was thinking. I’m not picking on your father... but WORDS HURT and his are no exception. To say you brought your miscarriage on yourself is the same thing as saying you’re to blame. NOT TRUE. Please believe that and hold tight to that belief.

You need time to heal, time to grieve and find out what’s happening from your doctor in terms of your period, etc. That’s a LOT to handle, and if you need to talk to someone about it, come back to us at MiscarriageHelp.com, or maybe talk to your doc., your fertility doc., or get a referral to a counselor of some sort. There’s no shame in getting some help. You’re hurting and I pray for your hurts to be healing and for you to find comfort.

I don’t blame you for feeling very torn up about your mother not being there at this time. You need her very much, and she, for some reason, has decided not to be present for you emotionally. You can’t control what your mother does or doesn’t do, so please find comfort with those you can- like your best friend and like I mentioned before, maybe a counselor or a support group.

I imagine your hormones are all over the place right now, and you’re dealing with the loss of your baby and possibly not being able to conceive, (that part remains to be seen, but it’s scary).

What you can do is remember to be VERY kind to yourself by allowing yourself to feel. Please try your best to let those who have let you down emotionally NOT be the center of your feelings. I don’t want to see you getting hurt over and over again by thinking about those you love not offering their support.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever need to come back here to let some feelings out, you’re always welcome. Never feel like you can’t talk here. Everyone knows the pain you’re living and I, along with the others here, will support you always.

God Bless,
Ellen

Thursday, January 31, 2008 10:47:20

Dear Shan,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are going through a lot- a miscarriage, lack of support, and the father of your baby doesn’t seem to care about any of this. On top of it all, you’re raising two beautiful children on your own and trying to be ‘strong’ and not cry in front of them.

One thing I must say to you is: You are NOT a failure in any way- not as a mother, a woman, etc. Your miscarriage was not your fault and you didn’t do anything to cause it. I know this does not take away your pain. But, to beat yourself up for not being able to prevent your miscarriage, as sad as it is, is not helping you. Rather, it’s hurting you more. I don’t want to see that happen. This is a terrible thing you’re living, but believe me, it was not your fault and if you want to look at things this way, you are raising two children and ARE a great mother. Your miscarriage is separate from your children. I understand this. The pain you feel runs very deep, whether you have children or not. I just want you to see how wonderful a mother you are so you will no longer blame yourself for the uncontrolable.

We all need moments to just ‘be’ and take some deep breaths. You probably are stretched for time with two children, but I pray you are able to find some time to be with yourself and allow your feelings to be felt. I know you are very sad, depressed and hurt. You are entitled to this. A miscarriage is such a profound loss, and we are often left feeling so alone because it’s as if the rest of the planet doesn’t see or acknowledge our grief.

I am so sorry for this, and together we are making a difference. I wish you didn’t have to find this site, but am grateful you had a place to share your feelings with people who really get it- who get you and the pain you’re in right now.

I don’t know if there are any support groups in your area, but you may want to check your local hospital. Sometimes, they hold services in the chapel for babies lost to miscarriage and stillbirth. Also, if there’s a grief counselor you are comfortable with and it’s something you’re able to do, I am gently suggesting you talk things out with one. I say this because it sounds like there’s nobody around you to just sit and vent to. When you’re heard and you know your feelings matter, it truly helps you heal.

Dr. Linda Backman, who wrote in the beginning chapters of my book, (and is a wonderful grief counselor), once said something about each loss in your life needing to be grieved separately. You have experienced a lot of loss in a short amount of time. Your relationship ended, you lost your brother- I am so sorry for this loss, too; and you suffered a miscarriage. That’s three different losses you are dealing with. They all must be grieved, and I realize finding the time to even think straight right now must be a challenge.

That’s where others come in and help. I am here. We are all here. But, sometimes you need to talk face to face with someone, or simply need a hug.

I don’t know what your beliefs are, but I do believe in prayer and the power it packs. I will keep you and your children in my thoughts and prayers. I will send you healing energy, and ask for the angels to surround you and guide you. I will pray for God to bless you and comfort you.

If you ever need to come back to MiscarriageHelp.com, please do. The door is always open.

You are heard and cared for very, very much.

Blessings, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen 2008-05-26 07:06:49

Dear Tracy,
I am so sorry for your loss, and I know it’s even more difficult when someone close to you is pregnant. The day I found out I lost my baby, two friends flagged me down on my way home from the hospital. They were smiling and said, "Guess what? We’re pregnant!"

Ouch. But, I was happy for them and didn’t want to take away from their joy.

The things people say to you are probably said with the best of intentions. However, they’re not what you want, or need, to hear. Being AWARE of what miscarriage truly does to a woman’s heart and soul is what this site, and my book, are all about. You are grieving- you have lost a precious baby and all the hopes and dreams you had for your baby. The more people understand that, the more compassionate or appropriate the words of support will be. I’m almost certain you would have rather heard a simple, "I’m so sorry." I realize the words can be difficult to find when trying to offer comfort to anyone who’s suffered any kind of loss...but miscarriage seems to be one of the very gray areas in terms of grief.

You’ve EVERY RIGHT to grieve, and to place a time frame on it is impossible. We all heal at our own pace, and it’s most important for you to understand this. That way, you won’t beat yourself for ‘not getting over it’ soon enough.

You see, there is no ‘soon enough’. You must walk the path to healing, and it’s different for all of us.

It’s amazing how you can be in a room full of people and feel so alone. I say this because I felt it SO many times after my miscarriage. I know you feel alone because it seems nobody understands your pain. Maybe they don’t, but through expressing ourselves we are all joining together to change that.

Moving on and "forgetting" are two different things. I’d never expect you to forget your miscarriage. It changed you- and nothing can change that. Moving on only happens when you allow yourself to feel, (like you did here by getting some of your pain OUT and sharing it with others who KNOW and UNDERSTAND), and by allowing time to pass as you go through each day...each moment. As with any loss, and this I can personally attest to, there will be good days and not-so-good days. Nonetheless, there will be days, and with each one, you are journeying towards healing and recovery.

Healing isn’t always easy.

Finding others who have lived the same and sharing your heart is a very important step in your healing after miscarriage. You’ve done that here, and can always come back again...and again.

There are support groups for women and their families who have miscarried springing up and I’m so encouraged by it. Many times they are held in a hospital chapel where once a month those who have suffered a miscarriage, or more than one, gather to remember their precious little one.

And, there are wonderful doctors like Linda Backman, who helped write many of the beginning chapters of I Never Held You. She knows first hand what it’s like to lose a baby, and that loss led her to become a Psychologist and professional grief counselor. Through her pain, she’s able to help others.

Your miscarriage was NOT your fault- just like it’s not your fault if it rains. Please don’t blame yourself. It’s a tough road to travel and I’ve walked it myself. It took time for me to realize I couldn’t control the uncontrolable- and it hurt.



I just stumbled upon this site. I don’t know where to start. In August, 2006 I went to my OB/GYN to find out why I had just had a strange period. She wanted to run a few tests to rule out a few conditions and to do an ultrasound. At the time I was just starting my first semester of graduate work to get certified as a teacher. The blood test that was ordered was positive for pregnancy and I am ashamed to say I cried, mostly out of fear. I was on medication for high blood pressure, smoking and not eating well at all. I had also just had a TB test. I was also afraid of my husband’s response. We are in our mid 30’s with 3 children (two teens and a 4 year old). I told my husband and he was excited, he told me "God must think we are pretty good parents to trust us with another little one." Two weeks later pain caused me to go to the OB/GYN again. I had an ovarian cyst that burst, and they could not find anything in my uterus. My hCG levels were also not on the rise like they should be. The doctor sent me home and told me to wait out the miscarriage. She also said I shouldn’t be so upset because we had not planned the pregnancy.

Now, 5 months later my younger sister just found out she is pregnant. My mother asked me when I am going to try again. I started to cry and they say things like, "If you wouldn’t have made the doctor appointment you would never even known that you were pregnant." "It’s a blessing, you weren’t taking very good care of yourself and your life is a little hectic for a baby anyway." "You didn’t lose anything, he’s just waiting for a better time." I know they mean well, but their words are so empty to me. Sitting here crying I am just so tired to pretending that everything is alright and that I am feeling better. My husband asks why I am crying and when I tell him, he changes the subject. The worst part is the not knowing: was it a boy or a girl? Why did I miscarry? Was it my fault? After 5 months shouldn’t I be feeling better? When am I going to get over the loss? I am just looking for some guidance and help. I feel all alone.', 'Tracy', 'ttcsm17@frontiernet.net 2007-02-19 17:00:32'

Hi, I’m back again. All I could do today was cry. I keep thinking about my baby. I watched a video that triggered emotions I though that I had tampered down. I keep thinking back....and I know you’re supposed to keep thinking forward but I seem to keep getting stuck in emotions and feelings I can’t control. I keep thinking about how far along I would be right now and what I would be feeling had I not miscarried. I wanted that baby and would have done anything to protect it. I feel like I failed-I was supposed to protect my baby NO MATTER WHAT. I wanted to meet my baby so much...to hold him....to love him. I still love him no matter what and will never forget him. I just wish I would have been able to tell him that face to face-heart to heart.', 'Megan', 'taters_woman07@yahoo.com 2008-05-25 21:44:41

It’s been 1 week today since my precious angel was taken away from me. Even though my baby was not planned I fell in love with my baby and knew this was a gift from God. At 10 weeks I never thought of the fact I would miscarry even though I was having alot of pain through the weeks. The father of my baby was involved w/someone else so he was not a part of my pregnancy and not happy.Even though I was a single parent of 2 kids I was determined to raise all 3 of my kids by myself. It was on May 16th when the actual spotting occurred I had experienced some spotting around 7 weeks when I first heard the baby’s heartbeat but it passed so I thought I was alright I called the dr they just told me to take it easy I just went on once the spotting stopped thinking everything was alright but little did I know it was not.3am on the next day on the 17th which would have made 4 years my brother passed away, I went to the bathroom I had cramped all night two clots came out I was so scared so I went to the ER it seemed 4ever the bleeding started out light but began to get heavy all I could do is pray and hope everything turned out ok they took me down to get an u/s little did I know I was going to be in the shock of my life. I kept asking the nurse who was doing the u/s did she see or hear my baby’s heartbeat she told me it was not audible she had to do a vaginal u/s which had me scared bcause I was almost 10 weeks and she should’ve picked up a heartbeat on the regular u/s.They put me back in the room the dr was taking 4ever to get back all I could do was worry and hope there was a good outcome but when he did come in and told me he was sorry but my baby was dead and didn’t have a heartbeat and stopped developing a week ago all kinds of thoughts crossed my mind did my baby suffer or was at peace, those words the dr said to me were so insensitive and it felt like he had a knife and cut into my heart I was hoping they were wrong since this was the same hospital that told me 8 yrs ago that my son had torn away from my placenta and I would miscarry over the wkend he is alive 2day and will be 8 on Oct. 31st. I was hoping this was another mistake. But once I got home I just did not feel the same and the bleeding got worse I just kept praying and hoping the bleeding would stop but it never did it only got worse turning into clots all night it happened and the more it happened I sunked deeper into depression I just could not believe this was happpening to me I had so many hopes and dreams for my baby only for them to be snatched from me in an instant. I started to have all kinds of emotions from hurt, confusion, to anger I just didn’t know how to feel. The next morning I was using the restroom and there it was this thick piece of tissue then I knew my baby was gone. My heart hurt so much I didn’t think I would be able to survive another loss in my life. I told the father of the baby he act like it was no big deal to him he acted as though he was happy and since then he has not once called or come by to see how I was feeling. I feel so depressed and alone in this because no one has comforted me in this not even my own mother and I’m tired of hearing the same words it happened for a reason or at least you still have two other kids which I am grateful for but it still hurts all I could do is stay in bed I feel so bad because I feel I’m not the person I was a week ago I keep trying to tell myself what other people keep telling me but right now the words do not make any sense. I feel if I at least had 1 person to understand why I feel like this I will feel alot better but I have nothing I feel so alone in this sometimes I feel I am being punished but why my baby I know I should not question God but right know I’m searching for answers since I have nothing else but thoughts. I try not to be sad in front of my babies but I still feel the void in my heart and it aches like no other pain I have ever experienced, I thought losing my brother and my marriage ending in divorce was painful but I don’t think nothing compares to this don’t get me wrong I love my brother very much and miss him indescibable but this has really torn a piece out of my heart I feel I was the only who loved my baby and the little time my baby had here on earth should not have been this painful with the neglects from his dad I know my baby sensed all of this and just like his mommy his heart could not take the neglect and disownment he was receiving.I know one day I have to face reality but right now I’n not ready to accept this.Really I don’t know how long I will feel like this or will I ever get through this but one thing I do know is I miss my baby and no one will ever know how I feel or understand how important this baby was to me and how much he meant to me. I love all three of my babies so much and now I feel I have failed my baby as a parent because I was not able to save and comfort my baby when he was in all this pain.', 'Shan', 'shantel1976@msn.com 2008-05-25 19:49:08

It is New Year’s Eve and the world is celebrating... we lost our second baby yesterday and I am numb. I am afraid to grieve because it makes it real. Everyone said the first lost was just random, this one would be ok. How can so many positive people be wrong? I just started to move on after our first loss in February. How can this be? What is wrong? Why can’t these doctors tell me anything? sigh. The other stories help...thank you for keeping me company for a bit.', 'Elena', 'elenam@csinet.net 2006-12-31 20:22:48

Dear Elena,
I can picture you sitting at home on New Year’s Eve, feeling very sad, alone...or, as you put it, numb. Sometimes numb is the body’s way of protecting itself. I know it’s been that way with me.

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through, and I remember a very similar New Year’s Eve when I felt like the life I was living just couldn’t be mine. I wanted someone to wake me up from the nightmare I was having...only to find I WAS awake. So, my heart truly goes out to you.

It seems when the world is joyous, or so we perceive it to be, and we’re suffering, our pain is magnified. When you think about it, it’s a very sad but natural thing. We remember past New Year’s Eve celebrations and how happy we were. Then, we’re suddenly sitting there alone, not celebrating, but grieving instead.

You lost two babies close together, and that’s a very full plate. Please don’t push yourself and give your heart and soul the chance to grieve. I know my words don’t do the trick, but please believe with all your heart that I’m thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers.

And, for all of us, may 2007 prove to be a MUCH happier, healthier year full of dreams, wishes, hopes and aspirations that all come to fruition.

Blessings to you.

With much support, comfort and love,
Ellen 2007-01-01 14:16:07

I had a second miscarriage, this one at 8 weeks, just before Christmas (December 21). I feel like I want to die. I feel horribly alone. My domestic partner and I have a son (I carried him) that’s 4 and we want to give him a sibling. I don’t know what to do. I am 36 years old and feel like it’s too late for us, and I am devastated that my little peanut, who had a heart beat on 2 sonograms, is dead.', 'Cathy', 'liamsmoms@keromail.com 2007-01-03 12:54:51

I am 28 years old and lost my baby at eight weeks on New Years Eve. I am devestated beyond belief. My boyfriend is in Rehab for alcohol problems and I feel so alone. I never thought this would happen to me. It feels like no one understands. I’m just so sad and empty.', 'Codie', 'codiee@juno.com 2007-01-03 17:22:03

I just had my fifth loss, my first was in ‘99 which was a ectopic. Three months later we were pregnant again needless to say at my 10 week visit we relized that the baby had no heartbeat and had died 2 weeks earlier. My third and fourth happened in ‘03 both ending at my 9 and 10 week checkup. My doctor still saying that there was still a good chance for a healthy preganacy. I found out that i was pregnant again this year around Halloween i was so happy and he was so scared because of our history. Everything was looking so positive we seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks my beta and progestrone was looking great but just like before it was when we went to see the heartbeat at 10 weeks once again it was like a dream when the doctor came back with the bad news. He had told us he seen no heartbeat. I had my forth D&C. Now i found a OB GYN who will start some testing next week. It makes me so mad that it took me 5 losses to finally get test ran. I want to try again so bad but emotional I dont think i can until i get answers.', 'keeptrying', 'luckymoeace@insightbb.com 2007-01-04 01:59:24

I just had my fifth loss, my first was in ‘99 which was a ectopic. Three months later we were pregnant again needless to say at my 10 week visit we relized that the baby had no heartbeat and had died 2 weeks earlier. My third and fourth happened in ‘03 both ending at my 9 and 10 week checkup. My doctor still saying that there was still a good chance for a healthy preganacy. I found out that i was pregnant again this year around Halloween i was so happy and he was so scared because of our history. Everything was looking so positive we seen a heartbeat at 7 weeks my beta and progestrone was looking great but just like before it was when we went to see the heartbeat at 10 weeks once again it was like a dream when the doctor came back with the bad news. He had told us he seen no heartbeat. I had my forth D&C. Now i found a OB GYN who will start some testing next week. It makes me so mad that it took me 5 losses to finally get test ran. I want to try again so bad but emotional I dont think i can until i get answers.', 'keeptrying', 'luckymoeace@insightbb.com 2007-01-04 01:59:31

On New Year’s day, I lost my baby. I was seven weeks along, and eagerly waiting for August to arrive. On December 28, I started to spot and then bleed. I cried so much during those few days because I knew what was going to happen. I cried out to God, begging to save my child but, alas the answer was no. And yet through it all, I still have peace. My baby is with the Lord, and I will see he/she again. My heart goes out to you ladies who have no place to rest. It may sound cliche but, God is real and He is the Great Healer. You all are in my prayers.', 'Melissa 2007-01-06 13:09:16

My journey has been a short one, but it has been filled with pain. I had an ectopic pregnancy removed in May of 06. It was so scary. No one I knew had ever had an ectopic before. Two days after I found out that I was pregnant I was cramping and spotting. An ultrasound revealed two sacks and a dark spot in my right tube. My doctor seemed positive and dismissed the sack. That weekend I was in terrible pain and called the doctor again. We found out on Wednesday that it was an ectopic in my right tube and I had surgery two hours later. Luckly they were able to save the tube. I was not devisated, but scared out of my mind. I had no signs of an ectopic, and my doctor labeled it a fluke. What I didn’t expect was for it to take 6 weeks for all of the hormones to get out of my system. My tube did not rupture, but was spitting tissue out of the other end. Some of the tissue was on my bowels, so I had to go in to have the shot that some people with ectopics get. It just seemed to go on forever. That baby was conceived in Paris, our one big trip before we were giong to begin trying, and my husband and I called it the ultimate souviner. Guess we were wrong.

As scary as that was we tried again as soon as we could. After two months of trying I found out I was pregnant the day before Halloween. I was rushed into the doctor at 6 weeks and they saw the sack in the right place, but wanted me to come back in two weeks to see the heartbeat. At 8 and a half weeks I got the good news. The baby had a heartbeat 155 beats per minute and that everything looked good. I went back at 11 and a half weeks, Dec 21st. The ultrasound showed no heartbeat. My baby died at 9 and 1/2 weeks. My doctor is not a big fan of D&C’s, and since I just had surgery in May she urged me to take the medicine. I took it on Dec 29th, the due date of my first loss. I was not in a ton of pain, but the bleeding was very heavy. I would run to the toilet every hour and fill it with blood. At 10:30 It passed the tissue of the baby. The instant I saw it I knew what it was. I didn’t know what to do. I was beyond upset, but just flushed the toilet. It felt like I was just flushing a dead goldfish. I wish I would have thought to take it out, but I didn’t. Now I can’t get the image of my baby going down the toliet. I am glad I trusted my doctor, because the medication worked and I have no tissue left in me. Maybe it won’t take 6 weeks this time for my body to get back to normal. My doctor is pregnant and is due a week after my baby was. We talked about being pregnancy buddies. We also share uncommon first names. She has cried with me at every appointment and is wornderful. My husband and I will try again as soon as we can. But it does not change the fact that I am so scared. Getting through those first couple of weeks was hard enough to see if it is in the right place. Next time I will be on edge for much longer. I keep telling my friends I don’t want to do this in baby steps. Did anyone else feel like a failure? As my husband and I rang in 2006 we decided that we would try to have a baby this year. I failed him twice. He does not see it that way, but right now I do. Unfortunatly my mom is in a nursing home with a rare disease that has made her gradually loose all of the functions in her body beginning with her speech. I have been relying on my friends and other family. I just hope they don’t get sick of me. This one is going to take a while to heal.', 'bj', 'bridgetsmith1115@sbcglobal.net', 2007-01-06 17:26:38

It’s been almost one year since my miscarriage. I was 8 weeks pregnant and it would have been our first. I had just started a new teaching job, so I didn’t really want to get pregnant so soon, but we were excited. A week to the day after my miscarriage, my father had to have triple by-pass surgery. I think back to this time as a total blur. I went through some rough times and I thought I was over it. Several months later, my husband and I decided to try to get pregnant again. In 4 months of trying, I’m almost positive I was pregnant twice. In both cases, my period came very early and I believe I had spontaneous abortions. Now I’m scared to death that I have fertility issues. My mother has been telling me for years not to wait too long to have kids and now I feel that she is right. I’m only 30, but I’ve postponed getting pregnant to earn a masters’ degree. Now, I feel I’ve traded my youth and fertility for my career. My husband wanted children long before I did and the prospect of me not being able to give him them kills me. I feel guilty, angry and broken. How can this still tear me apart after this long? What can I do to get over this?', 'molly', 'molnama5@hotmail.com 2007-01-08 22:59:42

I had my 2nd miscarriage on Nov 3, 2006. I was 10 weeks along. My first miscarriage was on Feb 7, 2006 and with that one I was 4-5 weeks. The first one seemed like a fluke - my husband and I had only known we were pregnant for 5 short days, but what an amazing bond that can be made in 5 days. It was difficult, but we were both still so hopeful of the future. I cried and mourned and was so happy but cautious to find I was preg again in Oct. An US confirmed a healthy baby & heartbeat at 7 wks. It felt great to be part of this new "club." On Nov 3rd I had spotting. I wasn’t concerned but called the dr anyway. During the US the nurse held my hand and said, "I’m so sorry." She said some other things but I didn’t hear it. I just sobbed. A piece of my heart was lost forever. A d&c followed the next morning, which seems like such a blur now. Things have gotten microscopicly easier since then but I still have rough days/moments. I know now the Nov baby was a boy & had an extra chromosome - no chance he would have lived. It’s not comforting I feel cheated. Why is it easy for some people - like our 19 yr old high school drop-out nephew and his 17 yr old girlfriend who are preg? They’re due the same month we would have been due. That news sent me reeling. I found myself thinking why couldn’t SHE have had a miscarriage of an extra chromosome baby and not me? What was God really trying to teach me here? I still don’t get it! I am angry and bitter and I don’t care. It made me realize I am not even close to getting over these losses. So far all the tests show no negative on our ability to have a baby just my age. You’d think 37 was practically geriatric! You’re all in my prayers. Love and peace to all of us!', 'Amy', 'boylethompson@yahoo.com' 2007-01-10 00:21:15

Hi, I don’t even no if i should be hear but i started birthcontrol about two months and after the first month i didn’t get my period i thought it was ok because she even said you might skip it. The following month i was getting had nausea really bad but it was the winter so there for i just thought i was sick then i was concerned when i got my period about a week early and when i had gotten it i got the worst cramps and i notice this weird dark looking clots that i had never seen before. an i was just wondering if this sounds like a miscarriage im only 18 years old and i don’t know what to do its been a week since then and i still have it. Thank you', 'Samantha', 'smccarter@solidstatetesting.com 2007-01-10 15:18:35

My sister has gone through 3 horrible miscarriages in the last year. I just got married three months ago, and my husband and I want to have a baby and think that I might be pregnant, showing some signs but tests are negative. My biggest concern is crushing my sister whom I love very much, but at the same time celebrating a new life. If anyone has any advice on how to tell, talk, and go through this experience with a sister who is on an emotional rollercoaster, please let me know. My first thought was how it would effect her. thanks!', 'Lizzy', 'abbott.liz@gmail.com 2007-01-11 12:14:36

Dear Lizzy,
Well, I think I can help you in giving you what your sister’s thoughts may be. I miscarried, and never had child. Although I want one very much, it still is yet to be. When my younger sister and husband got pregnant, I think she had fears of telling me. Of course, she wasn’t going to be able, nor did she want to, keep it a secret. I know she had some concerns, as you do. Granted, my miscarriage wasn’t as recent as your sister’s (three of them, my heart goes out to her), but, my when my sister told me she was pregnant, I was delighted. Of course there was an ache. Of course I had my own moments of tears when I asked God "Why not me?"

All in all, in the great circle of life, Maddie, (my niece, was and is one of the biggest blessings I’ve been given. I love being her Auntie, and I love being her younger brother’s Auntie, too.

Life presents us with these bittersweet, difficult situations. You’ve every right to welcome in a new life, and you’ve every right to feel concerned about your sister.

I believe with all my heart it will work out, and you’re a very caring, loving sister, indeed.

I wish you and your sister the very best.

Sincerely,
Ellen 2007-01-11 12:53:31

It has been almost one week since my m/c.I am still trying to grasp all the mixed emotions one goes through. The word sucks comes to mind. I am 30 years old i have two children,12 and 4.I had my daughter at 18 and grew up very fast her father and I were not together when I admited to myself I was 5 months pregnat. We have a very supportive family and managed beyond "just fine". I then some six years later met my now husband we talked about moving in togethe getting married and the I became pregnant, Joy would not be the exact words, I think I myself was a little dissipointed I had @ children and was not married,But we knew we would be fine we got married 11 months after our son was born. We grew to be a loving family, I always knew i wanted more kids My husband would like more money and as we all know nature doesn’t always give you both. This past year i turned 30 and it was at that point I knew it was now or never or at least in my mind, I was on depo until dec 0f 05,so I do not have regular cycles so I thought we be trying for months,well the first time we did it. It was the first planned child and I did feel a little guilty for wanting this child so much but I knew it was probally normal. All was good I was almost 12 weeks when Ibegan spotting and cramping It was on a sat evening so I had to go to the E.R.I got there at 8pm bleed all night had a D&c at 1pm the next day. For the most part I am coping with what happened it is just a day to day kind of feeling.I think a part of me is worried my huband won’t want to try,he does know what to do or say,and I find it extremly difficult to tell people what happened I can talk tothemm I just don’t want to be the one to tell them. And i do find the comments of "you are still young" and "at least you have two beautiful kids" or best "you can have more" I have said I wanted this one and you know what it helps. I know it will be okay but in the mean time I am so glad I have some one to talk too. I had one close friend who had lost her baby at 38 weeks and another at 32 with 3 live healthy births in between call and say "There are no words that possible describe what you feeling now or for the rest of your life" And I believe her.God Bless us all.', 'Brooke', 'luppo@sbcglobal.net 2007-01-12 16:16:37

I’m so glad to have found this site and to be able to talk with people who went through similar problems. My husbabnd and I had planned to get pregnant in fall of 06 so our baby would be born in spring/summer of 07, just after our daughter turned 3!! We were overjoyed to find out I was 5 weeks pregant in the begining of October. Not to mention we just found out one of our close friends was also pregnant and was due a week after me!! But only 3 weeks later we rushed to the emergency room only to find out I had lost the baby and was going to need a D&C. I was in shock. I’m still not myself, not to mention I want to break down in tears every time we see our friends who were pregnant at the same time!! Every milesone they pass kills me because the thought that we should have been doing the same thing a week earlier!! December 28 we were "shocked" to find out we were pregnant again, we were carefull not to get too excited or even tell family and friends in fear of what might happen. We began pre-natal appointments immediatly. The first two went great and my numbers were rising. I was sent for an ultra soundt the same day only to find "nothing," it was suggested that maybe it was just really early and was sent again to take more blood. I recieved a call the next day from the doctor who said my numbers had only gone up by 15!!! She went on to say I would probably misscarry within the week. Well today it started and I’m so depressed, I hoped maybe she was wrong!! I now wonder will we ever have our second child??? Or even have the 5 babies that we wanted so badly!!!Thanks for listening at the least!!!!!!!', 'Julia T', 'YeahItsJulia@sbcglobal.net 2007-01-12 20:48:57

I can also say i am glad i found this site. I just found out three days before my 33rd birthday that i was pregnant with my third baby. i was so happy. But my husband was more nervous he was ok with the two girls and that he did not want to be an old father I think thats crazy since he is only 39. well when i told him i was pregnent he was finally ok and told all of his friends.as i did to.well than on mon i started to bleed and it was brown the doctors office said not to worry as long as it was not red. then on wed I felt that something was not right my breasts were not hurting anymore and I had a boost of energy weird huh I thought.then that night after my shower i saw red blood i was so scared I called the dr she said she wanted me to have a us in the morning. I landed up going to the er because i was so freaked out and they saw nothing and i did have a positive test and my levels were 464. the next day fri i was feeling tired so i went to go lay down and i went to the bathroom and there was this thing on my pad and then when i wiped there was this bloody thing came out and i got so scared i threw it in the toliet i then went and took it out i could not believe i did that but i needed to know if that was my baby and yes it was i wanted to be sick i called my husband right away to come home.he felt so sad for me but did not know what to do. It’s the next day and i feel liked my life is falling apart and i finally told my husband why i feel like this I said it’s that i thought that was my only chance for another child because of his feelings and that i would never get that chance agsin. and he really did not know what to say and it makes me angry. I just feel like I am on a roller coaster with no stopping it. gosh all within a week i can’t handle this.', 'Stacy', 'thebagelshoppe@frontiernet.net', 2007-01-13 23:33:50

Hi, I miscarried my twins @ 20 weeks on January 3rd. (A wonderful way to start the new year) I couldn’t wait, and when I found out I was having twins I couldn’t believe it! The situation itself was somewhat overwhelming, I was going to be a single mom so to speak. The father was around, its just that him and I had finally gotten out of a dead end relationship. So I guess its safe to say that he was there--but he wasn’t. I went to the dr’s appointments on my own and such because I was fully prepared in my mind to take on this responsibility. I oddly, had no major problems when it came to wrapping my head around the fact that I was going to be a mother. Not only to 1 baby but 2!! There are twins all over my family so it didn’t seem that far out. Friends and family were unbelievably supportive. Well my friends and family were. Their father comes from quite a religious family and they were having a hard time adjusting to this. I did what I could to make things easier for everyone till I realized that I shouldn’t have too. My first 3 doctors appointments consisted of him reminding me time and time again that I had to do what I could to take my blood pressure down because it was ridiculously high. There were a lot of contributing factors, the fact that I was carrying 2 babies, it runs in my family and the biggest he said was stress. I’m not a high strung person but when it came down to it in this situation I wanted to be in control of everything and I couldn’t be. Finally @ my last appointment he told me whatever I was doing to keep it up because it had gotten back to a normal rate. If it hadn’t I would have been confined to bed rest which was not something I was wanting to do. I was thrilled. I had the flu just before Christmas and recovered (albeit slowly) And then just before new year’s I started to feel tired again...which I chalked up to changes within the body because nothing else seemed to be wrong. What pregnant woman isn’t tired? I was scheduled for an Ultrasound on the 5th of January and I knew something was wrong about 5 days before that. I hadn’t felt any movement for about a day, before that they had been fairly active. I went in early on the 3rd to see what was going on. He took me for an emergency ultra sound and my babies were already gone. I had to go through induced labour and a D & C. Luckily one of my friends works close to the hospital and she came to meet me and took me home. I had 2 days where I felt something that I can’t even describe. It was mindnumbing. I just felt like no one understood, of course I heard all the wrong things from everyone and I did my best to remind myself over and over that they meant no harm and thought they were saying helpful things. Their dad, in not so many words told me he was relieved and that caused even more issues. But he still was there for me. For the first few days I really relied on him then I threw all my energy into being mad at him and his family. I felt rage and hurt that I never thought possible. I wanted him to understand the hurt I have but I realize that is impossible. Its not that he wasn’t hurting, I know how he deals with his emotions (another reason we weren’t working out) and that bothers me. I do know that everyone deals with their grief differently I just wish there was someone that could understand my pain. His mother had lost a baby when she was almost full term and her and I have developed a close relationship despite it all. As I come closer to the 2 week "mark" I try to remind myself that everything is going to be ok. I will be fine and so will they. But it IS ok that I am not fine now. We have decided to name them and are looking for a nice way to remember them. Initially we were thinking we would take 2 helium balloons that say baby girl on them and write their names on the back. Its frigid lately here in manitoba and Im looking for any other ideas anyone might have.
As devastating as miscarriage is, its nice to know there are other people out there who could understand and share your pain, because it is a lot to handle on your own. Reading some of these stories has helped me realize that it never goes away, but you don’t have to push them out of your mind either. They were my babies and I want people to realize that--they were babies. I don’t want people to feel awkward around me because just having people around is sometimes all you need.', 'Deena','', '2007-01-15 14:36:41', 'mail.ccga.ca'

Dear Deena,
I am so sorry for both of your losses, and for all the stress you went through prior to your miscarriage. I admire your courage in the face of adversity: being a single mother (of twins), your relationship dwindling, dealing with the family issues, etc. You certainly had a full plate, and still do.

You’re so right in that it’s OKAY to not be OKAY right now. Of course you’re grieving, and please give yourself the time you need to do so. The balloons with each baby’s name on it is a beautiful tribute to their time spent here- with you.

I know you’ll always love them, and will not forget them. I’m also glad that through reading some of the comments here at MiscarriageHelp, you were able to see that life does go on, but you’re never expected to forget your precious little ones...ever.

A point you brought about I think is worth repeating is how you "don’t want people to feel awkward around me because just having people around is sometimes all you need."

I think people sometimes avoid women after they miscarry because they’re either afraid of saying the ‘wrong’ thing, or don’t know what to say, period. Well, you don’t HAVE to say anything if you’re supporting a friend who has miscarried. How ‘bout just kicking back and watching a movie in each other’s company? Perhaps having dinner together, or doing something you both enjoy. Establishing a sense of ‘normalcy’ doesn’t mean the friend, or the mother, is denying the miscarriage and all the pain. It means only one things when a friend is with her friend who miscarried: SUPPORT, COMFORT, AND THE KIND OF LOVE ONLY FRIENDS HAVE FOR EACH OTHER. It can be one of the most healing ‘miracles’ out there...believe me.

My thoughts and prayers are with your Deena. Blessings to you,
Ellen 2007-01-16 12:07:30

Dear RAQ,
Oh, I am SO sorry. My heart goes out to you and your husband, and I do know the heartache you’re feeling. Your baby was not just a ‘ball of cells’- he or she was your precious little one you had all the love, hopes and dreams in the world for.

You are grieving right now, and have every right to. People must try to understand that you’ve lost a baby- and to say things like ‘it was meant to be’ etc., just does not help. I think their intentions are good, but what people must try to understand is this: You’ve lost a baby, not a ‘nothing’. Just because you never held your baby doesn’t mean you didn’t love your baby. You can kind of see why I titled my book "I Never Held You." I felt just like you, and as I read your comments, couldn’t help but feel the tears start.

Please give yourself the time you need to grieve- taking things one day at a time. That’s all we’ve got, and each moment is different. You may feel a little better one second, and the very next find yourself crying so hard your head hurts.

I know. I’ve been there.

Although there is nothing I can say that will take away your pain or make any of this go away, I want to let you know you are in my thoughts, heart and prayers.

Please take care of yourself and I hope you are surrounded by love and support- and perhaps an angel or two.

God Bless,
Ellen 2007-02-10 07:27:40

Hello again,
I wrote back in March and have been reading the updates ever since. First, Ellen I want to tahnk you for a wonderful and supportive site. This has brought me great comfort and I’m sure many others agree.I have read your book and I highly recommend it to everyone. I have given my copy to my support group to lend to others. I was going to keep it for myself but i feel it would be better to spred the support to others.I wish i could help more in raising awareness about the fallout. I have e-mailed Oprah show in the need for more counseling and supoort after a miscarriage. I also told about your web site and book hoping this would give some validation to quest. I hope this is ok, I just want to make a difference for those who have and will experience this great loss. If there is anything I could do more I would.My e-mail address is corr21_98@yahoo.com if anyone needs support. This site is truly the work of GOD. THANK YOU AGAIN.', 'Lorrie', 'corr21_98@yahoo.com', '2007-04-26 19:15:20

Dear Lorrie,
Thank you so much for your words of kindness, and for your selfLESS act of giving your book to your support group. I pray someone gains help and comfort from I Never Held You, and think it’s beautiful that you have a support group to attend and gain strength and comfort from.

I am touched by your words, and truly give God the credit for this site. He made the opportunity available to me for it to exist...I am just the one who upkeeps because it’s where my heart is.

Offering your email to others was very kind of you. There may be somebody who’s been here who would benefit from talking to you. Thank you for being so giving.

As far as emailing Oprah, that’s more than okay with me. If there’s a voice who can spread miscarriage awareness and its fallout to millions- her’s is certainly it! I’ll have to say some extra prayers on that one...

Peace and Blessing to you, Lorrie. YOU are a work of GOD.

Ellen 2007-04-27 04:52:09

I just want to thank you Ellen for such a wonderful website; I have not yet read your book but look forward to it being part of my healing process...

I read Suzan’s and Leslyn’s comments and saw myself in much of their stories...I was able to deliver my second son and child, Matthew, stillborn just this past week April 25th after my water broke. The pregnancy was uneventful with all the right answers to the questions; I felt fine and had no complications...we just do not understand why this happened. He was perfectly formed and beautiful in every way. I did not hold him for fear of not being able or wanting to let go. He was almost 19 weeks, 7.5 oz and 9 inches. He resembled my son Robert, almost age 6. I now look at Robert and see Matthew, he will always be a "touchpoint" for me with his younger brother, the child I never held. Robert touched my belly nearly the moment that we arrived home and asked " Where is the baby?"...He is grieving also. I also have a 16 yr old stepdaughter, Destiny.

Matthew was unplanned but warmly welcome and was an eagerly anticipated member of our family...he will always be. We had funeral and burial for him along side other stillborns in a quaint cemetary not far from our home.

My husband has been very supportive along with family and friends.I am taking time off from work and my usual activities. I ventured out yesterday and found myself looking at babies; looking for boys and my arms ache at the thought of not being able to hold and love my son Matthew.

We are in the process of making a memory book to hold and preserve Matthew’s items that we have received. It sounds like a good thing for couples/families to do together.

I can understand now that micscarriage is so devastating; I liken this pregnancy to watching an reel-to-reel movie,it is going along just fine and then someone cuts the film and I am just left sitting there...wondering why this happened but knowing that the movie will never be finished.It was "just getting to the good part" and I anticipated such a wonderful ending and sequels! and I am left sitting there wondering...now what do I do? Where do I go? Disappointment, broken dreams and the loss of my life as I knew it are words that do not even come close to what I feel. Thanks for listening and caring.

My heart and prayers are with you my sisters...
Love, peace and hope to you all...
Denise', 'Denise', 'harp4him2005@yahoo.com', '2007-04-30 07:37:28

Dear Denise,

I am so deeply sorry for what you’ve been through-you and your family. I cannot imagine the pain, and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Thank you for kind words about MiscarriageHelp.com. I feel like I am simply the one who is a tool-maintaining this site, etc. It is the comments from all the women here and the support we offer each other which makes this the safe place of healing it is.

So often we find a reflection of ourselves in others stories. The bond between all of us is evident through our words. Although circumstances may be different, we have felt the pain of losing a baby before "the movie ever started." Yes, I can relate well to your analogy about a reel-to-reel being cut off ‘just before the good part.’

Your baby will never be forgotten, and I believe the burial was a very important part to closure. Your situation is quite different from mine in that you actually delivered your baby and saw him. I ask God to bless you and give you strength in every way.
Venturing out is a good thing when you’re ready. I know so many things must have triggered thoughts of your little son. I can say the ache will subside over time as you heal. Of course that does not mean you’ll forget, nor should you. Your memory book is wonderful tribute to the brief time your son was in your presence. I believe he will always be with you in spirit.

I wish you and your family peace, love and support as you traverse the road to healing and recovery. Where there is love, there is hope.

Blessings,
Ellen 2007-04-30 08:56:29'

i just had my third miscarriage and i’ve had one atopic pregnancy. You would think after this many times i’d be able to deal with this a little better, well no that’s not the case. It’s so devistating. I cry all the time, it’s hard to be at work. I was only 4 wks but we were so excited, we’ve been wanting this for 3yrs. The hardest part is that all of our friends now have kids, we just can’t get there. My husband has been wonderful and very supportive but i’m just a basket case.', 'tonie', 'antoniahaessly@yahoo.com', '2007-04-30 20:36:34',

The day I found out I was pregnant was probably the happiest in my life. I felt like I had purpose and a reason to live. My baby died at fifteen weeks and I have just been miserable. It’s like I’ll be ok and then something will set me off. It’s effecting my relationships with everyone I know and I don’t know how to stop being sad. I am enrolled in college and three days before classes started this semester I found out that my baby was dead, he had been dead for a week inside me. I had to have a D&C because I needed to return to school immediately and it was awful. I’ve never been in the hospital and the drugs were horrible. I was back at school on Monday but it was awful. It was sad and depressing and it’s only gotten worse. Just when I was starting to feel better about a month later, I was going to the restroom and this chunk of baby came out of me. It was like a total relapse, I felt like I had the first day I found out my baby had died. When I went to the doctor they told me it was a tampon and I got even more upset. I knew something was wrong and insisted that they send it off for testing and as it turns out, I was right. Apparently I am one of the “very unlikely” cases that has an incomplete D&C. I’ve gone to the doctor two more times because I keep running fever and I’m just sick in general. They keep putting me on three antibiotics at a time and I can’t handle all of this stress. It’s been three months and I still haven’t had a period. Now they want to go in on the fourth and do another “simple procedure” where they cut my bellybutton open. I don’t know what they’re looking for and it scares me to ask, nothing seems simple anymore. I just don’t know what to do. My sister got pregnant a week after I lost my baby and she just found out that she is having a boy. My parents were delighted, as this will be their first grandbaby. No one asks me how I am or if I’m ok and it’s like my baby never existed. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I’m sick of seeing happy pregnant people. It’s like they’re all around me. My fiancé has been wonderful and keeps telling me that we should try again but it just wouldn’t be the same. I just can’t stop thinking about my baby and this has been a never-ending medical nightmare for me. My address is pnc_212@yahoo.com if anyone would like to write. Thank you for having this site, it has helped me more than you know. It’s kind of scary that I was only given a box of tissues when I left the hospital, a website address would’ve helped much more.', 'Jenni', 'pnc_212@yahoo.com', '2007-04-30 22:01:05

Dear Tonie,
I am so sorry for your losses. You have certainly been walking with a very heavy load upon your shoulders. I am glad your husband is supportive- it means a great deal.

However, I know your pain isn’t gone because of your husband’s, or anybody else’s support. You want people to reach out to you, or to just ‘be there’, but you still feel the pain of losing your precious babies.

I can’t imagine living through four losses- and you have every right to feel like a ‘basket case’. However, I wouldn’t really put it that way. You are grieving and have been through four traumatic events. Please know that my heart goes out to you as you try to deal, yet again, with another miscarriage.

I know the feeling of having all your friends pregnant after you’ve lost your baby to miscarriage. It makes you feel so ‘out of the loop’, if you will.

The only thing I can offer is:
There is always hope- please try to keep that flame alive. YOU are a wonderful, beautiful person. And, if there’s some sort of medical reason for your miscarriages, please keep an open mind to becoming a mother through other avenues, i.e., adoption, etc. I’m not forcing the idea upon you, merely tossing it out there for you to ponder.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know it’s hard to be strong when you feel like the wind has been knocked out of your sails so many times. I am here for you- we ALL are here for you.

Blessings,
Ellen 2007-05-01 07:23:15

Dear Jennie,
I am so sorry for your loss and for all you’ve been going through on top of your grief and pain.

You’ve got such a full plate, and without the time to really focus on healing and give yourself the chance to grieve, I can imagine it would be very difficult to stop feeling sad. I can’t imagine having to focus on your studies, etc., while in the middle of trying to deal with the loss of your baby. Again, I am so sorry for your pain.

When you experienced that horrible incident in the bathroom, it must have been so traumatic. I truly feel for you, and I’d feel like I were reliving my miscarriage all over again, too.

Adding to your full plate, you’re not feeling well and are on antibiotics. It sounds to me like you need some time for YOU. I am glad your fiance is supportive, but I know how alone you must feel. The longer your illness goes on, the more overwhelmed you must become.

After I lost my baby, (I was about four and a half months), it seemed every pregnant woman became visible to me and served as reminders of what I’d lost. Please know this is a very normal feeling, although it’s one I’m sure you don’t like. I cried whenever I saw a pregnant woman, or even a woman walking her baby down the street. Everything was amplified-for the worse.

Your sister being pregnant is a joyful thing, yet I can see why you are so hurt. On top of it, it sounds like your feelings are being looked over while everyone focuses upon the new baby to be. You are grieving, Jennie, and have every right to do so. Not only do you have the right, you must grieve in order to be able to move on.

That doesn’t mean you’ll ever forget your baby. You won’t and that’s normal. Your baby was a part of your life and all your hopes and dreams. When you lost your baby, all your plans for the future with your new baby went along with him or her. I truly feel for you.

I know you’re going into the hospital for some kind of procedure and you haven’t asked about it. I’m suggesting you do, for your own sake. I know you’re in a lot of emotional and physical pain right now, but it’s best to be your own advocate and know exactly what it is the doctor’s are looking for and how they plan on doing it. I’m not telling you what to do, but making a gentle suggestion.

Please take things one moment at a time and allow yourself the grieving space you need. Allow yourself the HEALING you need. If you feel like it would help to talk with somebody like a grief counselor, please consider doing so. Or, a counselor in general. Perhaps there’s some sort of support group near you. You could always search on the Internet to see. Talking with people who have lived the same always seems to be of comfort. It doesn’t take away your pain, but it lessens the blow and provides reassurance that you’re not alone, you’re not crazy, and your grief is very, very real.

I will also post your message on my Amazon.com Plog in case there’s anyone who wants to offer some words of advice to you. You can find it here: (I won’t include your email address. I’ll refer them to this site instead). http://www.amazon.com/exec/...
Any messages I post on my book site at Amazon.com go to the folks who have purchased my book. They have walked your road and perhaps somebody would be willing to share some heartfelt, helpful words of comfort with you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I wish you emotional, physical and spiritual healing.

Blessings to you,
Ellen 2007-05-01 14:41:53

Dear Ellen:

I feel a special kinship to you as I had a miscarriage on April 22, 1988. We already had two beautiful daughters and this pregnancy was totally unplanned but it was exciting to know we would be having another baby. Unfortunately, before I knew I was pregnant I fell down a couple of steps and injured a couple of discs in my neck. I ended up taking muscle relaxants and painkillers. Shortly after I starting taking them I found out I was pregnant - I was immediately taken off the drugs and sent to PT. Everything seemed to be going fine.

At about 3 months I started bleeding and my Dr. said I was more than likely having a miscarriage - but that I should just rest. About 4 days later I miscarried. My Dr. felt the baby had been dead for awhile - and I received the usual "it was probably for the best". My Dr. was a very gentle and caring man but that’s all he knew to say to me.

Basically, I heard the same from my mother - I would get over it! My husband didn’t know how to react either so I just "dealt with it".

I buried the pain in the recesses of my heart and mind - once in awhile it would surface but I quickly buried it again.

Eventually, other circumstances led me to a therapist about six years ago. This was the best thing that could have happened to me. Many, many things have surfaced during this time. One of them was the lack of support I received at the time of my miscarriage. My therapist encouraged me to talk about it, to write about it and did EMDR with me. Eventually, I wrote a letter to our baby - I named her "Erin" although I never knew if our baby was a girl or a boy. Just writing this letter was so healing to me and I would like to share it with everyone else.

Dear Erin,

I’ve been struggling for days with how to begin this letter. For nearly 16 years I have kept hidden in my heart that I was devastated the day you went to be with God. I didn’t understand – I thought I had done something wrong. I have finally come to realize that God has a purpose for everything – and it was in His plan for you to be with him always.

The hardest part for me has been not knowing you or holding you or seeing you grow up. You would have liked your two big sisters, Jen and Mel, very much. I’m sure they would have spoiled you.

The other day I was standing in the kitchen looking out the window at the snowflakes coming down. Normally, snowflakes aren’t that exciting but these were the big, fluffy ones that just seemed to slowly float in the air. I was also thinking about you and it suddenly seemed that you were like one of those beautiful snowflakes of which no two are alike. So beautiful! From now on I will think of you as a beautiful snowflake – not touchable but there for a fleeting moment in time. A sweet memory.

Love,

Mom

Becase I live in Minnesota I get to be reminded of Erin quite often! I’m still dealing with this and my therapist is still working with me. The pain isn’t as great but the memories will always be there - as they should.

I came across your book "I Never Held You" a couple of weeks ago at about the time of the 19th anniversary of my miscarriage. I haven’t read the whole book yet, but what I have read is very encouraging. Thank you.', 'Laurie Yackley', 'lyackley@canby.mntm.org', '2007-05-02 15:19:46

Dear Laurie,
As I write this, tears stream down my face. Your letter to Erin was one of the most beautiful, touching things I’ve read. Thank you for sharing it, and for your words of encouragement.

I am so sorry for your loss, and where it’s been quite some time for both you and I since our miscarriages, I feel a kinship with you, too. I know what it’s like to have so many years pass, yet the memory of our precious babies lost to miscarriage and home with God remain fresh.

Yes, we’ve healed. But, that doesn’t mean we’ll ever forget, nor should we.

I’ve often thought about talking to someone about my own experiences with miscarriage and some of the emotions left unresolved. In writing I Never Held You, I did a lot of emotional purging in an attempt to help others. I look at my book as a tool to help women who have miscarried, but also as a tool that helped me deal with the fallout after my own miscarriage.

Your letter to Erin is so beautiful, and I am going to post it on my Amazon.com site (the plog where the book is located). I would love others to read it, along with the rest of your post.

Your little "snowflake" will always be with you.

God Bless,
Ellen 2007-05-03 07:20:25

i was 7.5weeks this previous Sunday (29 April) when I started bleeding. I rushed to the doctors and she said to not get alarmed and she took tests and told me to go home and rest and wait to have an ultrasound the following day. But i started bleeding more heavily an hour after getting home and by night i knew there was something wrong. I rang my obstetrician who told me to go to the emergency dept and they did scans and bloods. They could not find a heartbeat but reassured me that the machine was not strong enough to detect it and they just wanted to rule out an etopic pregnancy. So I was admited in overnight and the next morning they did a full blown ultrasound and trans-vaginal ulstrasound. I knew by then there was something really wrong when the sonographer wouldn’t answer my questions directly. I was sent back up the ward to wait for the report. My obstetrican came soon after (by now it was Monday lunchtime) with another senior Ob, and told me that it was likely that I was miscarrying or that I was actually only 5 weeks and not the 7.5 weeks that i thought i was. I told him that I have been trying for months, and have my dates memorised in my brain so there was no way i could have gotten it wrong. He sent me home with not much more that they could do. But again, i got home and this time i started haemorrahaging and passing clots. I rang my OB and was rushed back into the private hospital this time. Within 10 mins of arrivng and in unbearable labour like pains, i proceeded to miscarry and within two hours i had everything out all the time crying my heart out and asking god why? The nurse was able to show me the baby sac, and it gave me some comfort and finality of the actual process to see it. But the pain was just unbearable knowing my angel had died and there was nothing i could do to bring my little angel back. The next morning on Tuesday 1st May my OB performed a d&c and i was sent home that evening to recover but in my eyes more importantly to grieve. Its now Thursday night 3rd May (syd Aust time) and its only been a few days , but I feel so angry, empty and in shock that this could happen to me. I am struggling with the fact my husband is not grieving the way I am and that around us we have friends and family who are in their final stages of pregnancy and due to give birth any day now. I feel so cheated and robbed because we so dearly wanted this little angel. We have phonecalls from well meaning friends and family who unintentionally say very hurtful things and I am just not coping with this very well. I feel so alone and isolated in my grief and pain. I am trying to remain strong for my little precious boy who is 20 months old. Thank god i have him to hold and love. My husband says we will just try for another one, but at this moment i can not even comtemplate this, as my confidence is gone and I have heightened fear of all this happening again. Thank you for having this site, and allowing to express my grief and sorrow. My thoughts and love are with all the other ladies on this site who are also suffering grief of their lost child.', 'Lien', 'saeco@bigpond.com', '2007-05-03 07:22:18

Dear Lien,
I am so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you were left feeling so alone during this horrible time. It troubles me to think of you at home, making calls, in the hospital- with nobody even saying, "I’m sorry." Or, "Are you okay?"

Having other family members pregnant must be difficult after your loss, and I am grateful for you that you have your 20 month old to hold and love. I know it doesn’t take away the pain of your loss, but he probably brings a smile to your face when you thought you couldn’t smile at all.

Trying again for another baby is probably in the cards for you, but right now what people must understand is that you are grieving. There are fears to overcome, too, as you said. You’ve lost your little one that you had hopes, plans, wishes and dreams for. Before you met your baby, you were in love with your baby.

It seems people just don’t know what to say to a woman who has miscarried. While your friends and family try to be supportive, their words often are like daggers because they cannot know your pain unless they’ve lived it. Even if they have, if they never expressed their pain and grief, and were told to bury it, they’re most likely conveying the same message to you.

So sad.

Please know that we are all here for you and understand the road you are walking. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers-
Blessings,
Ellen 2007-05-03 09:49:15

Dear Ellen,
I miscarried a year ago this month and after dealing with alot of guilt and pain thought I was finally pulling myself back together. Although the pain never really goes away and my baby is never far from my thoughts I really thought it was getting better.Until this month. It has been horrible. I am a crying mess most of the time and I feel so blah. If I could I would just stay in bed. Do other people go threw this on what should have been his or her first birthday and am I going to go threw theses emotions every year at this time.', 'Amy', 'Cwelch77@hotmail.com', '2007-05-03 13:26:17

Dear Amy,
First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss.

I know what it’s like to start to feel better, only to find yourself slipping. Sometimes, you don’t even know why and then it hits you: It’s the anniversary of my miscarriage.

After that, your mind probably wanders to all sorts of thoughts: the what ifs, etc.

I know mine did, and sometimes still does.

You may go through these emotions for some time...we are all different. I know every November I think about how old my son would be. Each April/May I remember my miscarriage. Every Mother’s Day I think of the son I never held but loved so much.

You see, we really aren’t so different. Our connections to our babies is strong, and we feel the emptiness of not having them with us.

It’s only been a year, and for me that wasn’t very long. Actually, it seemed to have blown by so fast. The same may be true for you.

Please give yourself the space and time you need to grieve, cry if you have to, perhaps write some thoughts down in a journal. One of the women here wrote a letter to her baby and I thought it was one of the most beautiful things I’d ever read.

Maybe that’s something you’d like to do...I am going to do it. I believe it will bring about more closure and my baby in heaven will certainly ‘hear’ my words to him.

I wish you comfort, healing and peace as you struggle through this difficult time. Setbacks do not mean anything other than the fact that you’re human. We all remember...and when it’s a sad memory, the tears can come right out of the blue.

Blessings to you,
Ellen 2007-05-04 12:02:36

Dear Ellen
I misscarried almost 4 months ago and i thought that I was doing ok. well today is one of those days that Im not. I was just at the mall and all that was around me was pregnant. All I thought in my mind was I hate them I know it sounds so strong but thats how I feel. And what makes it more tough is watching my sister in law get bigger and bigger. She is due two weeks after my third baby was due. It is just so hard to be happy for her. I just don’t get it I have not had problems with babies just pregnant people. I am just at such a loss and everytime I make one step ahead I feel like I go two steps back. Well thank you for being here to let some of this out. God bless everyone', 'Stacy', 'sweetpea9902@frontiernet.net', '2007-05-06 19:45:41

Dear Stacy,
I am so sorry for your loss, and I know how you feel when around pregnant women.

Hate may sound strong, and it may be more of a feeling of resentment, but it’s something I believe many of us can relate to. Speaking for myself, I went through the very same emotions.

It’s only been four months since your miscarriage and you’re still grieving. When you see others who are pregnant, I’m sure you realize you’re being reminded of what you lost...your baby. You may wonder "Why not me?" every time you see them.

I sure did. And, I didn’t have a problem with babies, like you.

Every step you take is a step forward, even when it feels like a step back. It’s all a part of the very difficult healing process after miscarriage and I know it feels like you’re going backwards. You’re not. You’re feeling, hurting, and wishing this terrible thing never happened to you. When you see others who are pregnant, (and it feels like you see EVERYONE within eyeshot who is), you can’t help but feel some sort of jealousy and hurt. I’m truly sorry you’re going through this.

Please give yourself time and don’t beat yourself up for having these feelings. If they get to be too much for you, please talk them out with someone- a friend, or someone you don’t know like a counselor. There’s no shame in asking for help. It does not mean you’re weak.

When a family member is pregnant, like your sister-on-law, it gets more complicated. You probably love her, and want her to be happy and have a healthy baby who will be your new niece or nephew. At the same time, you feel an emptiness inside of you whenever you see her. I believe it’s normal, at least it was for me, and again, I ask that you be gentle with yourself.

One day at a time. One moment at a time. That’s all we’ve got and we just have to do the best we can with each second.

I’ll keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and please believe you will be okay. You’ll never forget your little one, but the pain will lessen as time passes and you continue to heal.

Blessings,
Ellen 2007-05-07 04:45:01

Hi. I just had a miscarriage 9 days ago. I thought I was doing fine. But I am not. I am ok with losing the baby, I think I have dealt with that. I just feel really depressed. I don’t feel like being around anyone. I have a wonderful husband, however, he just has no idea what I am going through and does not understand AT ALL. He just thinks I am being rude. PLEASE HELP ME GET NORMAL! I am usually a very happy person and I just don’t know where to go from here.', 'Jamie', 'jamieslamb@hotmail.com', '2007-05-08 15:58:29

Dear Jamie,
I’m so sorry for your loss, and ALL the emotions you’re experiencing. It’s a scary place, and I’d like to share with you a couple of thoughts:

Give yourself time to determine whether you’re really "okay" with losing your baby. There’s a reason why you feel "really depressed"- and I’m not sure what it is. I think it’s very early for you to know. Allowing yourself to feel is very important, and if you need to grieve your baby, it’s got to be done. Now, if you decide you’re okay with losing the baby and have dealt with it- those are your feelings and there’s no right or wrong. So, why the depression? It’s a question you’ve got to ask yourself in addition to why you don’t want to be around anyone.

I know, and keep in mind I’m no doctor, that after my miscarriage my hormones were a MESS. Subsequently, I was a MESS. You might want to talk to your doctor to determine if that’s what’s causing your depression & other feelings. Your mind AND body are going through a huge adjustment right now, and chemically you may be feeling depressed and "not normal" because of it.

Being a happy person by nature, you must be feeling like you’re going out of your head. You’re NOT. You still are that "normally happy person" AND are not rude, as your husband sees your attitude.

He has no idea what you’re going through and I’m guessing he’s placing a label on your depressed state and calling it rude. I’m not condoning his attitude, but I am saying he cannot know what he doesn’t understand. It happened to me with my ex after I miscarried. He just couldn’t make heads or tails out of whatever it was I was feeling, (crying, depressed, not ‘myself’), and thought I just needed to "grow up and get over it". Yes, that’s quote. I don’t really fault him for not understanding me, but COMPASSION goes a LONG way and your husband is smart enough to realize you, mind, body & spirit, have been through a MAJOR change & trauma both emotionally and physically.

You may want to share that with him. Perhaps you want to talk to your doctor first and get a better handle on your emotions and what the root cause is.

I think you’ll feel better after hearing that you ARE normal right now and will be back to the ‘old you’ after some time. Right now, this is your ‘normal’- but it won’t stay that way. It really won’t.

Give yourself the time you need. Please talk to your doctor about your feelings, and treat yourself gently. You have every right to feel whatever it is you’re feeling, and you also have the right to get help in understanding your feelings.

My thoughts and prayers are with you-
Ellen 2007-05-09 07:56:05 (continued from Ellen)
There’s a white area, though. That white area, to me, is God. Whatever your beliefs are in a power, or source bigger than yourself, that power is the light that gets you through the darkest of days, the scariest of nights.

This isn’t me preaching to you. I’ve no business in doing so and am just sharing my feelings. My faith, as evidenced in parts of my book, on this site, and on my Amazon Plog (when it returns), is quite clearly the most important element of who I am. Why? Well, to me it’s the very essence of where I began-where I came from.

I digress.

This, and by this I mean today or this week, is about the exact time nearly sixteen-years ago, I found out my baby had died, or ‘expired’ as I was told. "The fetus is no longer viable." Those words are ringing in my ears and I can feel the cold, hard table underneath me. I can still see the ultrasound screen and feel the presence of my sister as she stood silently next to me in the tiny room. From a doctor I didn’t even know, (mine was away), I found out my baby had died probably a couple of weeks earlier and the sac around my baby was gone. Numbness washed over me after the initial shock. I think it was a defense mechanism. My brain’s emotional center shutdown temporarily and went on autopilot. It’s the only way I was able to walk out of hospital without completely flipping out.

My husband, (at the time), was away. Thank God my sister was with me.

When he got home from his business trip, I told him the news. I sensed the relief within his mind and could see it on his face. Yes, I said relief. That doesn’t make him a bad person. He felt ill-prepared for a baby and although part of him felt bad, he truly believed we weren’t ready.

However, there was no relief for me. Not right away. Not for a long time. So many hours, days, weeks, months, years of diving into myself to find comfort. Countless hours spent in bookstores searching for a book to reassure me I wasn’t going insane for feeling a constant, dark emptiness every day and crying at the drop of a hat. HELP ME!!! I screamed silently. There was nothing to be found...nobody knew what I was living.

If there were a hell, I believed I’d found it.

Fast forward eleven years from that dreadful, dark time. While at the kitchen table I felt inspired. It was such a strong feeling I knew it was coming from either the angels, or God. Something kept urging me to write about my miscarriage and how I got through it.

So, I did. About five years ago I learned what an ebook was and had a small one published called I Never Held You. It did well, and I couldn’t believe it. However, after giving it some thought, I realized WHY it was doing well. There were so many women out there who felt exactly as I did when I miscarried and I was giving them something, albeit small, to validate their feelings. YOUR MISCARRIAGE AND ALL THE PAIN ASSOCIATED WITH IT IS REAL AND YOU ARE NOT CRAZY FOR FEELING LIKE YOU DO.

That was the message, and still is today. Last year, I Never Held You came out in a much longer paperback with contributions by Dr. Linda Backman, Psychologist and Grief Counselor, and several other valuable contributors. I expanded upon techniques used to deal with the aftermath of miscarriage, and wrote about how my faith carried me through the horrific pain. 2007-05-10 11:57:18

The things I learned through the years after my miscarriage were incorporated into my book, and I thank God every single day for blessing my work and keeping it visible through my publisher’s site (DLSIJ Press), on Amazon.com, and elsewhere. I believe God used me as one of His tools to help you, just as He has with other authors who’ve written about miscarriage, etc.

And then there’s this site. I cannot begin to express the deep feelings of gratitude for its existence. Providing a safe place for women and their families to vent after miscarriage and feel connected through the words of others who are living the same is one of my life’s missions. I am sure of this. Everyone who has taken the time to share their hearts, often amidst tears, on this site has a special place in my heart. You are all in my thoughts and prayers and through our connection, we are collectively reaching more and more women each day who need a place to turn.

It’s not just ‘me.’ It’s US. WE have lived through miscarriage(s) and WE are telling the world just how real the pain is and how much it needs to be recognized by the world, the medical community, support groups, etc.

It’s working. I see it and feel it. I know it.

I also know it doesn’t take away your pain. You wish you never had to visit this site in the first place, and I don’t blame you.

To you, I send warm, loving thoughts and wish for your comfort and peace as you travel towards healing and recovery after miscarriage. I pray for you to be soothed.

And, to my sweet baby boy who has resided in heaven for nearly sixteen years, I say to you, "I love you, Alex, and always will. May the angels carry my message to you upon their wings. I will always carry you in my heart. I know I never held you, but I’ll always love you."

Blessings, Love and Light to All Of YOU. 2007-05-10 11:58:06

Dear Ellen,
Thank you for this site, and I loved your poetry and songs. They really touched my heart.

I miscarried about six months ago, and haven’t been the same since. One day I’ll feel somewhat better, but I always feel a fog around me. I can’t shake the fact that I lost my baby and will never see her.

Sites like this help because I’ve read what other women have said. I know I’m not the only one to feel this way. I wish I could predict how long this fog will last, but I can’t. I don’t even know where to start, how to start.

My husband’s been great, but he’s a man and didn’t carry our baby. I know he loved her and wanted her very much, but he doesn’t feel the emptiness in his body and soul. Not in the same way. He’s been supportive of my crying nearly every day and understands I’m in a kind of ‘funk’. I don’t want to go out very often, and we had a pretty active social life.

Thank God my friends understand me and don’t push me too hard. One did suggest I go to therapy, and I’m thinking about it. Maybe a counselor can help me to see things differently.

I read about the miscarriage show on the Today Show and wish I saw it. I’ll be sure to go to the website and read the other women’s comments.

To everyone here, I know I sound fragmented, and I am, but I do pray for you and truly feel with all my heart the pain you are living.

God Bless all of you. At least we know we are not in this alone.

Oh, and Ellen, I’ve ordered your book. I look forward to getting it.', 'Angie 2007-05-10 12:27:40

So, I found out two weeks ago that I was pregnant. It was a completely unplanned pregnancy, and yet I was so very excited. God blessed me with a baby, I couldn’t wait to see that precious child. I went to my ob today for an ultrasound...she felt my uterus first and said I should be about eight or nine weeks. Then she did the ultra sound, only to discover that that the baby, my baby, had stopped developing somewhere around five weeks or so. It just stopped. I was stunned, I wanted to scream...I didn’t believe her. She informed me that it was only a matter of time before I was to have a miscarriage. And if it doesn’t happen soon, the will give me medication to do it. I don’t know what to do...I have not stopped crying all day. My baby is still inside of me, and I am just waiting to have a miscarriage. It feels so unreal, like a cruel joke. She said it may have had something to do with a medication I was on for migraines, I feel like I killed my baby. I don’t know how I will get out of bed tomorrow...', 'Mariah', 'mariah.eaton@gmail.com', '2007-05-10 21:38:59

Dear Mariah,
I am so sorry for what you’re going through, and for your loss. The feeling of knowing your baby is no longer alive yet inside of you is such a shock, and waiting to miscarry is horrible. I know that awful pain and it does seem unreal.

I don’t know why your OB said it may have something to do with the medication you’re on for migraines...I’m not a a doctor so I couldn’t say. But, I wish she didn’t say it. With no disrespect to your OB, she doesn’t KNOW for certain and even used the word "MAY (have something to do with the medication)...." You didn’t kill your baby- no, you didn’t.

I can’t help but think of it like this, and hopefully it’ll make some sense: Sadly, there are drug addicts who have babies all the time. I ask God to bless them both because the mother gave birth to an innocent baby addicted to crack, or whatever she was on, so both she and the baby are suffering. Now, a drug addict could carry to term, can you see why I’m asking you to please not blame yourself for your miscarriage? It might sound like a poor analogy, but when you really think about it....

If you go on feeling your miscarriage was your fault, you’ll just be torturing yourself. I’d hate to see that happen. You’re in pain, in shock, the waiting is HORRIBLE, and you’re grieving. That’s a very full plate and there’s no room on it for self-blame. For your sake, please try and stop feeling like you "killed your baby."

You didn’t. It was not in your hands.

Take one moment at a time. Please treat yourself gently. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers, and you’re always welcome here. Please know we all care very much about you and what you’re living. Most of all, we UNDERSTAND you because we’ve walked your road.

Blessings to you, Mariah.
Ellen 2007-05-11 04:44:31

Dear Angie,
I am so sorry for your loss, and certainly know what it’s like to be in a ‘funk’. You’ve been grieving, and those of us who have miscarried know your grief all too well.

I didn’t want to do to much with anybody for some time after my miscarriage. Going to work was a real effort, along with doing all those things you have to do every day. Even the most mundane task seemed overwhelming sometimes.

You’re going to come out of the darkness, but may need a bit of help in doing so. You may want to consider taking your friend’s advice and talk to a counselor. There’s something about talking to someone who doesn’t know you-it’s very emotionally ‘freeing’ because there’s no history and that person is there strictly to listen to you and HELP you. When I went to a counselor, I felt like my words didn’t have to be guarded in any way. There were no feelings to be hurt or people I knew and loved to misunderstand me. Also, a counselor has one thing in mind: to help YOU, period.

You didn’t sound ‘fragmented’, but I’m sure you feel it. Your emotions are all over the place and I know the struggle...we all do.

Please take things one day at a time. There’s no right or wrong to how long you grieve and feel like you do, but sometimes we need somebody to throw us a rope to help pull us out of the hole we’re in.

Many Blessings to you,
Ellen 2007-05-11 04:53:30

Dear Jo,

I’m so sorry for your loss- and yes, I know it’s been 37 years. I believe you deserve to hear "I’m sorry for what you went through"- regardless of how much time has passed.

I am grateful you found this site and were at least able to share your feelings.

You know, you’re right about time. It heals but we don’t forget. We do the best we can with each moment, each day.

My mother lost my almost 2-yr old brother when she was about seven months pregnant with me. That was about 40 years ago. I’m sure time healed- but did she forget? I know she hasn’t.

Jo, I know you haven’t forgotten either. It’s something you’ve carried and never really talked about because it ‘just wasn’t talked about’. Sadly it still happens a lot today, but there’s much more awareness. Subsequently, more sharing and talking. Shows addressing the aftermath of miscarriage emerge, like The Today Show’s piece on miscarriage.

Thank God the whole, terrible experience and what miscarriage leaves in its path is being brought into the public eye on a much larger scale.

I wish you many blessings, and know that I am here, we all are here, if you ever feel compelled to share any more of your feelings. The road weve walked is the same, no matter when we walked it.

Peace, Love and Comfort,
Ellen

These are the miscarriage comments prior to the lauch of this newly, redesigned site. You will find many, many women and their families who have lived through the pain of miscarriage- Please click here to post your comments. Thank you and God Bless, Ellen