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I Will Always Remember The Day There Was No Heartbeat

by Ellen DuBois on 10/21/17



The leaves are turning. The colors are vibrant and beautiful. Fall has always been my favorite time of year. I love the sights, scents, (pumpkin, apples, fireplaces, mulled cider) and sounds, (hearing the marching band at night when I take the dog out), of fall.


Although it's my favorite time of years, I still think about the baby I miscarried 26 years ago at about 16 week pregnant.

When I first found out we were having a baby, I was filled with so many emotions. They were joyful and part of me knew it wasn't in the "plan" my husband at the time had. We'd been married for only two years and I knew he wanted to wait until things like finances, buying our first house, etc. were in order. 

But, life often doesn't go according to our  plan. I believe there's a much bigger one, the plan God has for us, happening in our lives.

I fell in love with my baby right away. I could feel the connection we had and every day it grew as my baby did. He was going to be born around Thanksgiving and I so looked forward to our first Thanksgiving as a family of three.

Like I said, life doesn't often go according to our plan and one day, while my husband was away on business, I noticed blood after going to the bathroom. I'd stopped at my parent's house to use their's. It was easy to do because I worked on the road in newspaper advertising sales.

My sister was home and she took me to the hospital.

That's the day I learned my precious baby died. There was no heartbeat.

They say time heals all wounds and I know that's mostly true. But, as I sit here typing this, my eyes are filling with tears. My stomach has that knotted up feeling and I remember how crushed and numb, (if that's possible), I felt when the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable."

I remember walking to my sister's car, head down, staring at the sun glaring off the pavement. I remember getting into her car and the drive back to my house. I remember feeling like I was living a nightmare, but I was awake. My baby was inside of my womb, no longer alive, and I was scheduled to have a D & C.

After my husband (again, at the time), got home, I told him. I could have called him in Arizona, but decided not to. He was coming home that night and why call and tell him over the phone when he was so far away?

I knew he felt sad, but I think it was more for me. He was not emotionally ready for a baby and I almost sensed his relief. That's not to say he was a bad person. He wasn't. But, we were certainly on different pages and I felt very alone.

My Thanksgiving baby was never to be.  (Crying now just reading those words.)

So, if you've miscarried and you find there's a time of year, an event or a day that's a trigger for you, please know you're not alone. Look at me. I'm writing about my miscarriage 26 years after the fact and I'm still so filled with emotion. It climbs to the surface of my mind and it's like I feel all of the pain and sadness over again- even if it's only for a little while.

I believe that's because I loved my baby so much and also because we are still connected. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I can tell you that I believe my child lives on in Heaven, another realm, and our love is very much alive. I believe he's with me in spirit and I often feel him around me, like I do right now.

I will always remember the day there was no heartbeat. 

I will also always feel a deep connection to my baby, who I named Alex. That will never die and someday, when it's my time to cross over, I believe we will be reunited.

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day- "Always"

by Ellen DuBois on 10/15/17



"National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day is observed annually in the United States on October 15. It is a day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death which includes, but is not limited to, miscarriage, still birth, SIDS or the death of a newborn."


I remember you, my baby
on this special day
My heart aches for all the others
who also feel this way
No matter how long it's been
since you were here with me
I feel your love like a blanket
wrapped around the heart of me
I will miss you for forever
I will always think of you
One foot in front of the other
Is what I have to do
I know you don't want me crying
because you live on in a better place
Although I do believe it...
what I'd give to see your face
I love you my sweet child
I will for the rest of my days
Until we meet in Heaven
I send my love to you
Always.

By: Ellen M. DuBois, October 15, 2017


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Bound by Love #PAILRD #Miscarriage #babyloss

by Ellen DuBois on 10/06/17



To all those who have lost a baby, my heart goes out to you.

October is here and it's Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. On the 15th of October, we take the time to join together and remember our babies in a collective show of love, support and remembrance.

So many years have gone by since I lost my little one, Alex, to miscarriage. But, I think of him so often and always feel connected to him. I'd be willing to say that many of you feel like I do.

Life moves forward, somehow. After the dark days, months, years you somehow find yourself again and continue on with life. But, you remember. You remember the little one or ones you lost and know they'll never be forgotten. Some of you may be wondering how you'll get through the days. If you've just experienced losing your baby, your wounds are raw and I am deeply sorry for what you're going through right now.

I am so sorry for your loss.

I remember feeling very detached from the rest of the world. I was consumed with grief and a sort of numbness washed over me. I cried a lot. By the grace of God I managed to function, but it seemed like I was on auto pilot. After getting home from work or whatever, I often started crying because I missed my little one so much. I never felt a pain like it, and I haven't since. It ran so deep it felt like it cut right into my soul.

 If you're going through this now, please know you are not alone. I know you may feel like you are, especially when you look in the mirror and you barely recognize yourself anymore.

There are so many of us thinking of you and praying for you. We've looked in the mirror, too.  We've walked the path you're on and sadly, many are walking it right now with you.

There are others like me, who lost their baby (babies) years ago and still feel the pain, but it's not as raw. We remember our little ones and wonder what life would have been like. I do it every time the fall rolls around. My baby would have been born in November. Anyway, I, along with millions of other women grew into a "new normal".  The time it took to get there was different for all of us. There is no time limit placed on your grief or your healing.

Our grief, however, is very much the same. We've all felt the very real pain of losing a baby, whether we had a miscarriage, stillbirth or experienced something else that took the sweet life we loved from us. Our hearts all ached and many still do.

Years ago, we didn't have a month dedicated to remembering our babies. We didn't have a special day to light a candle and collectively remember and honor the babies we loved so much and left footprints on our hearts. (October 15th)

As I sit and think about my Alex, I think about all of you and your little ones. Sometimes, the pain comes flooding back along with the ache to hold him in my arms.

I believe I will hold him one day, when I join him in Heaven. I know I feel his presence around me, especially when I think about him.

I know we will be bound by LOVE forever.

Thinking of you all and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

"I miscarried- lost my BABY. I hurt. Please don't dismiss my grief."

by Ellen DuBois on 09/26/17



If you've suffered a miscarriage, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know it's a very difficult time. you probably feel like your world has been rocked to the core and maybe you feel like your grief, your very REAL grief, is being dismissed.

Ouch. If that's what you're experiencing, I know what it's like. I know how much you loved your baby and how you were planning on the big arrival. I understand what it's like to ache so much you feel it in your soul. I also know what it's like to be hurting so much and feeling alone in your grief.

If it seems like family and friends don't know how to support you, I get that, too. I think what hurts even more is when your grief is dismissed. Perhaps someone has told you that it's been long enough and you should just move on. Maybe a friend has said you can always have another baby- and it makes you want to say The one I lost matters! The well intended words of a family member or friend who said there was probably something wrong with the baby hurt you more than helped.

When people dismiss your grief by telling you to move on, etc., it's painful. It's like saying your baby didn't matter and your loss should be somehow easier to deal with. Those of us who lived it know that simply isn't true.

Your loss is real and the journey through grief is just as real. It takes time, as with any loss, to even begin to start feeling like yourself again. Even at that, you're a changed version of yourself.

Grief forces you to grow and it's a very painful way to do so.

There's so much going on inside of you when you suffer a miscarriage- mentally, physically and spiritually. The emotions you go through are sometimes excruciating. Not everyone is aware of this and you may feel pressured to go through your grief "quickly".

You don't need to do that, nor should you feel like you have to. After my miscarriage, I didn't like walking through the fire, but I had to do it. I didn't even see it while I was going through it. But, it was a fire and it took time to get over those hot coals.

If you feel like you don't have the right to grieve because others are either trying to push you forward before you're ready, please give yourself the time and space you need.

You have the right to grieve...and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

"I miscarried- lost my BABY. I hurt. Please don't dismiss my grief."

God Bless and may you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Miscarriage: I wanted to scream. #miscarriage #repost #blog #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 09/07/17



I think many of you can relate to this. After my miscarriage, I felt like nobody really understood the depth of my loss...how it consumed me. Please take heart. I know the road you're walking and over time, things do get easier. Be as patient with yourself as you can. Allow yourself to feel. While you're going through the worst of it, please know there are people who get it, get you and understand the gravity of your loss. Love and support to you, Ellen


For anyone either living through this now or has lived through life after miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.

MiscarriageHelp.com:  The past ten years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing and understanding.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed back when this site began that it would grow so exponentially.

I've been honored and am still honored to provide this platform for women, (men, too), to share their feelings after miscarriage. Often times, we feel supported simply by reading the comments made by others. Many times, you feel better by sharing what's been on your mind and heart with others. The act of "letting it out" goes a long way towards helping you heal.

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection, although we wish we never had to share it, gives us a certain comfort and reassurance. It speaks to your heart saying "You're not alone in this." Believe me, you are not.

That's the reason MiscarriageHelp.com exists and will continue to exist. That's the reason I wrote my book, too. But, there's another reason. I believe writing about my own experience after miscarriage helped me heal. I didn't know it at the time. It was a process. All these years later I see clearly how writing about my own pain, what helped and what didn't was in fact a form of therapy for me. Ten years later, I could probably write from an additional perspective- one with ten more years of growing and learning, sharing and caring.

I am continuing to share many of the comments made at MiscarriageHelp.com over the past ten years. Some date as far back as 2006. As I type this, I feel butterflies in my stomach and a deep feeling of gratitude. I am so thankful for having this site up so I could reach out. I am grateful to each and every one of you who has commented, shared your support or simply stopped by to read the comments here. We have all reached out to each other and to countless others.

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. - Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery









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