MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

#Miscarriage: I'll Never Forget You #Repost #Support

by Ellen DuBois on 08/08/17



So many years have gone by since my miscarriage. They've been years filled with the highs and lows of life. Sometimes, I've been pushed to the limit, like when my mother passed away. I got to a point where I wondered how much I could take. But, the human spirit is amazing. Faith is astounding. I know I've been carried though some of my darkest, saddest times by my faith.

There were days my faith in God, the angels, etc., was the only thing casting light upon what seemed a dark, desolate road. 

I felt very alone after my miscarriage. You may, too. Over time, I grew into my "new normal", learning to adjust to a life that for some time, felt like an uncomfortable shoe.

What I can tell you is this: Life went on after my miscarriage and more recently, after the loss of my mother. While I'm still struggling with the pain of losing my mom, the pain of losing my sweet baby to miscarriage is not nearly as raw as it used to be. That's only because of time. We are all different. We grieve, heal and feel in our own ways. But, I never forgot my baby. That would be impossible. I'll always love my child. That will be forever.

If you're stuck in the depths of grieving your little one, I am so sorry for your loss. I want you to know you'll feel more like yourself one day. I can't tell you when, but it will happen. Please don't place a time frame on your grief and healing. Hang on to your faith and believe you'll feel relief one day- when it's right for you. Allow yourself to feel what you must and if anyone dismisses your loss, you don't have to listen to them. It's sad, but it happens.

You're going to be okay. You will get through this. And, like me, you'll probably always feel a very deep love for the baby you never held but always loved.

You have every right to.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help. Eleven Years of Sharing and Caring. #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport

by Ellen DuBois on 08/01/17



Hello Everyone,

It's hard to believe MiscarriageHelp.com has been online since 2006. Wow. Eleven years.

The past eleven years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing and understanding.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed back when this site began that it would grow so exponentially.

I've been honored and am still honored to provide this platform for women, (men, too), to share their feelings after miscarriage. Often times, we feel supported simply by reading the comments made by others. Many times, you feel better by sharing what's been on your mind and heart with others. The act of "letting it out" goes a long way towards helping you heal.

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection, although we wish we never had to share it, gives us a certain comfort and reassurance. It speaks to your heart saying "You're not alone in this." Believe me, you are not.

That's the reason MiscarriageHelp.com exists and will continue to exist. That's the reason I wrote my book, too. But, there's another reason. I believe writing about my own experience after miscarriage helped me heal. I didn't know it at the time. It was a process. All these years later I see clearly how writing about my own pain, what helped and what didn't was in fact a form of therapy for me. Eleven years later, I could probably write from an additional perspective- one with eleven more years of growing and learning, sharing and caring.

I want to share some of the comments made here at MiscarriageHelp.com over the past eleven years. Some date as far back as 2006. As I type this, I feel butterflies in my stomach and a deep feeling of gratitude. I am so thankful for having this site up so I could reach out. I am grateful to each and every one of you who has commented, shared your support or simply stopped by to read the comments here. We have all reached out to each other and to countless others.

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you always.

Let's begin this journey by going back to one of the earliest comments made on this site. I think many of you will be able to relate to these feelings- to this woman's heart and life after miscarriage:

To Ellen:

Hello and thank you once again for your comforting words and your call for prayer.

I seem to be a bit stuck right now. There is so much going on that I cannot focus my mind on any one thing long enough to deal with it all. I cry for the children I have lost, only to cry for the physical pain that I feel, only to cry in thankfulness for the saving of my life, only to cry for all of the what ifs....My emotions are scattered all over the map and occasionally when they meet in the middle, it is very overwhelming. My emotions can spin on a dime from gratefulness, to anger, to sadness, to disbelief. You name it and it is at the surface ready to jump right out. I cannot put one thing on hold to tend to the other and all of them together is truly getting to be too much. I am tired and impatient, weak and sad, all at the same time. I want to be strong and loving, happy and thankful. I know those emotions are inside, but I feel overpowered by all that has happened. I know brighter days are ahead but it is too cloudy right now to see the sun.

I have an appointment in the morning for a post-op check with my OBGYN. I am going to ask him for referrals so I can talk this all out with a professional. You would think that after surviving something that could have killed me, I would be happy and thankful. Yet, at the same time I am sad and angry. You would think that I would be a loving and kind mother and wife. Yet, at the same time I feel myself being very quick to anger and impatient. You would think that I could find solice in the fact that although I wish the two children I have lost were with me, they are with a loving God. Yet, at the same time I feel empty and have such a longing, it feels like I am being slowly and painfully torn to pieces inside.

Before February 6, I felt invinsible. I was carefree and happy and on top of the world. Now I feel like I've been kicked to the ground with the wind knocked out of me.

I know that I am going to be okay, but I can't find the strength to get back up on my own. People are trying to come and help me get back up, but I am lashing out and pushing them away. I am doubled over in pain and sadness trying to catch my breath and I can't find the strength to stand again. I really do need to talk to someone so that I can find the strength to stand under my own power and have those around me to lean on for support. They are there for me when I need them and I appreciate that so very much. What I don't want to find is that one day I find the strength to stand and I am standing alone. I love and need those that are most dear in my life but I need the healing to begin with me. Thank you again-"R"

Dear "R"

I'm sorry for what you're going through, and I know what's like to have a hard time focusing because your mind is on overload. You DO have so many emotions running rampant, and some stable ground would be appreciated by you- mind, body and spirit.

I support you 100% in your asking your OBGYN for a referral. It sounds like you need somebody to talk to who can help guide you through all of your emotions fighting against each other. (Which, I think is perfectly normal given what you're living...I was the SAME way).

Because you're dealing with so much grief, pain, longing, ache, angst...of course you are going to be a bit snappy. Please don't beat yourself up for that. You have suffered a loss, are grieving, and there is no room for guilt in this picture. You can only do the best you can...and it sounds to me like you are trying with everything you've got. However, if you feel anything like I did, (and still do in certain circumstances), you KNOW there's a better day coming, and your faith keeps that thought alive, yet you find yourself feeling like you're treading water and need somebody to throw you a lifejacket.

Your lifejacket IS there, and with some help, you'll be able to sift through the rubble and find it.

Those who love you, R, LOVE you because you're you. They understand you are in pain, and if at times you push them away I am sure they know why. Yes, it probably hurts them...moreso because they realize you feel so alone right now and they cannot break through the barrier of pain which is surrounding you. It's like a heavy cloak you want OFF.

Time...God...Help...Faith...Your Beautiful Strength...WILL get you through this, these darkest of days. Cling to that with all you are. I believe in you, and will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

"How do you eat an elephant?" My dear friend's husband used to ask. "One bite at a time."

With Loving Thoughts, Care, and HOPE,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



#Miscarriage: The Benefits of Finding Some Headspace

by Ellen DuBois on 07/21/17



Hello everyone,

As someone who has lived through the aftermath of miscarriage, I know how your mind can get overloaded with emotions, thoughts running wild and a general feeling of sadness. I also know how difficult it can be to simply quiet your mind and self so you feel calmer and can breathe easier.

In my book I mention the benefits of meditation. I still adhere to that belief, but want to share with you a program you can use from your phone or computer called Headspace. God, I wish this was around back when I lost my little one to miscarriage. Back when my anxiety and panic were crippling. However, what's important is it's here now and it's amazing.

I don't work for Headspace. I'm not trying to sell you anything. I don't get a commission if you sign up for Headspace. What I get is the possibility of helping YOU, and that's what matters.

I discovered Headspace and tried it using my phone. For ten days I did a short, (three minutes) session. All I did was sit and listen. I focused on my breathing and more. Before I knew it, the few minutes I spent doing this were over. BUT, I felt better. So, I did it the next day, and the next and so on for ten days. Then, it was time to sign up. (I also love the voice of the man who speaks during the sessions.)

It's hard to believe how amazingly powerful a few minutes of Headspace is in calming me, soothing my mind, and putting me in a better, more aware place. I just did another session today on anxiety- something I've lived with for 25 years (or so). My anxiety went hand in hand with the grief after losing my baby to miscarriage. It also was heightened when I lost the sight in my left eye in college. It crept into my life in a big way when my mother passed away 2 and a half years ago.

Anyway, every day you get a reminder on your phone that it's time for some Headspace. You simply sit down, take a few minutes for you, (again, it's nice and short so it's easy to find time), and when you're done, I believe you'll feel a difference for the better. If anything at all, you'll feel calmer, more at ease, better able to go through your day. When you do this day after day, I believe the emotional and physical benefits are cumulative. I say this as a woman who has lived through miscarriage and needs some overall "calming time" in her life, not as a doctor. I'm not one.

I love the program and app called Headspace. I'm sharing this with you because whenever I find anything I think will help you, I want you to know about it. The choice is yours and I get that. Some things work for some. We gravitate towards different things.

If this sounds like something that'll help you, please check out their website at http://headspace.com or download their app called Headspace. The first ten days are free. If you want to continue, you sign up and pay by the month or by the year.

Again, I don't work for them. I am not getting paid anything for sharing this with you. What I'm doing is sharing something with you that's been wonderful for me.

I now crave my Headspace. I love how it settles me down, makes me more aware, calms and refreshes me- mind, body and spirit.

Love and Light to you and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Miscarriage: Take Time To Rest

by Ellen DuBois on 07/20/17



I know it may not be easy. Your life may be busy, filled with work, activities, things to do. The thing is, after a miscarriage, you're often exhausted- mentally, physically and spiritually.

I know I was and because I didn't rest, I ended up very sick for about half the summer.

Although that was a long time ago, I remember how wiped out I felt. Instead of resting, I busied myself as much as possible. I didn't want to slow down because when I did, I'd feel. When I felt, I cried. That cycle continued for quite a while.

I learned, after getting so run down I had to stay in bed, (with pneumonia), how important rest was. When I was in bed coughing and feeling generally miserable, the pain I was trying to run from also came to the surface. Without the ability to distract myself from it, I let the tears fall. I felt the pain, missed my baby, ached inside and felt so many other emotions I didn't want to feel because they hurt so much.

I learned that by giving yourself time to rest, you're giving yourself permission to feel and heal. You may doze off or you may cry for a while.  The important thing is to allow your mind, body and spirit to do whatever is necessary to help you heal. If there are feelings that need to come out, please let them. If you are so spent you need to close your eyes for a half-hour, please do it. Letting the "air out of the balloon" little by little gives your emotions a place to go. You're freeing them instead of letting them eat you  up inside. When you do that, you could end up like I did...in bed with pneumonia.  I don't want to see that happen to anyone.

Take time to rest. You deserve and need rest. Grief is exhausting. By resting, you give yourself time to recharge and heal.

God Bless,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Miscarriage: Feeling Abnormal? It's Normal.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/06/17



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-two years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Please feel free to leave a comment here. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief  #miscarriagesupport #miscarriage

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery









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