I am a Rainbow Baby. #rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babylossby Ellen DuBois on 04/13/18
If you look up the definition of a rainbow baby, here's one you'll find: (I got this from google). "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison."
I'm kind of "all over the place" with this post, but please bear with me.
April can be a difficult month for a few reasons. I miscarried in April, so there hasn't been an April in 26 years that I haven't thought about the baby I loved, lost and never got to hold. My mother's birthday is in April and she passed away three years ago. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't missed her- more than words can say.
I've had this thought several times, but it's the first time I've written about it: I am a rainbow baby. My mother lost my brother David when he was 18 months old. He had Hydrocephalus, "which is a brain condition that happens when cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) — the clear, watery fluid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord — can't drain from the brain. It then pools, causing a buildup of fluid in the skull."
When my brother passed away, my sister was about 4 and a half years old. My mother was seven months pregnant with me.
I can't even imagine how she and my father must have felt. Grieving the loss of their beloved son and knowing another baby was going to arrive in short order. They also had my sister to love and take care of. Wow.
Years later, my mother and I were talking about David. He couldn't walk, but loved playing ball with my mother. When I say playing ball, it was David laying on the floor and my mother rolling a ball to him. He'd laugh, she said. How he loved it. We also talked about when they lost him. My sister found him and woke my mother up saying "Mom, why won't David wake up?" My father was at work and drove home at about 100 mph. When the police pulled him over and found out why he was speeding, they escorted him home. My sister was brought to a neighbor's house and she remembers a sea of "legs" in blue uniforms.
My mother and I talked some more and she said, "I knew you were special."
That in no way diminishes the equal love she had for my two sisters. We were all special to her. I think what she meant was after going through such a terrible loss, I came along a mere three months later. I can't imagine just having buried my son and having a new, little life to take care of. But, that's the way it was. David went to heaven in February and I was born in May of the same year. My sister was there to welcome me into the family. Later, my younger sister joined us.
My father and I talked about my brother's passing and me coming along so soon after. Back then, Dads didn't go into the delivery room. Many times, they went about their day and waited for a call from the doctor, which is exactly what my father did. He recalled just getting into work when the phone rang. It was the doctor who said, "What are you doing there? You've got a healthy, baby girl!"
My father told me the only word he cared about was "healthy". He and my mother were on pins and needles for the remainder of her pregnancy with me. After enduring such a loss, who could blame them?
My two sisters and I have always been close. We each had a unique bond with my mother. My mother and I always shared a very spiritual bond. I can't help but feel (I mean deep in my gut) it had something to do with being a rainbow baby.
They say babies learn and feel so much while still in the womb. I have always felt a strong connection to my brother, David, even though I never met him. I believe I felt some of my mother's pain when they lost him as well as her deep faith in God.
I've read about rainbow babies and shared posts from women who have had them. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am a rainbow baby and to me, it explains so much.
To my own baby, my mother and my brother in Heaven, I love you all more than words can say.
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
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Love & comfort to you, Ellen
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#rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babyloss