Silent Grief :

Silent Grief

by Ellen DuBois on 03/20/17

Grief is exhausting. Silent grief even more so.

What do I mean by silent grief?

It's the grief you hide. It's grieving the loss of a baby nobody saw. It's feeling such a loss so palpable it often consumes you- while others often seem dismissive.

When you suffer a miscarriage, it's not only a "medical" event. It is the loss of a baby- a baby you loved, had plans for and envisioned a life with.

I get it. I know what it's like to try to get through the day smiling while you're crying inside. I know what it's like to want to talk about your loss but get the feeling others are wondering why you're not "over it". After all, you didn't even get to see or hold your baby...right?

Wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I want you to know, as you read this and perhaps are grieving in silence, that you're not alone. Your loss was real and so is your grief. 

Please reach out. You have every right to feel, to grieve and to heal. The road feels smoother when you have some support.

I'm here to give you whatever support I can and I'm sure there are others who not only want to lend their support, but could use yours, too.

We're in this together and your silent grief doesn't have to be so silent. 


Welcome to My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me.
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The Daily- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Comments (3)

1. Mary said on 4/29/17 - 03:40PM
Tomorrow is the 27th anniversary of my miscarriage. While I came to accept the miscarriage because I had two other children who needed me, I always think of the baby I lost on the day I miscarried and the due date. Today while having lunch with my husband,son, DIL and grandchildren, we were discussing the birth of a friend's new baby born yesterday. My two live births resulted in very easy birth experiences (both born within 1 1/2 hours of arrival to hospital. After I made the casual statement "I was lucky, I had easy births", I was quite suddenly filled with memories of my miscarriage and started crying. Surprised and embarassed, I left the table and went to the bathroom to compose myself and not disrupt the mood. We had just come from the circus and all were in a good mood. I might add that today is also the 4th anniversary of my younger son joining the Air Force which is bittersweet. He is doing well but I miss him. My grand-daughter was the only one to notice I was crying and asked her mother why. Obviously, everyone was clueless and they came over to me when I was standing by the car. I told them it was nothing but then broke down crying explaining what was upsetting me. While I often feel bad about the loss, this is the first time I behaved like this. After 27 years, is this normal? I had no idea your site existed. I just googled a question and found your page. My email address is thoughts you have will be appreciated. Mary
2. Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp said on 5/2/17 - 09:19PM
Dear Mary, First, let me say how sorry I am for your loss. You may be wondering why I'm saying that all these years later. I'm saying it because in my heart I believe you deserve to hear those words. Perhaps you need to hear them. I relate to you on many levels. It's been about 26 years for me and I still think about the baby I loved and never got to hold. I'm no expert, but like you, I lost a baby to miscarriage. I've had triggers just like you did. I've been suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, overcome with emotion over my loss. There you were talking about the trouble free births of your two babies.You were with your family, your son, your grandchildren. You were enjoying the time, the day and wham. You were hit with memories of your miscarriage in a most unexpected way. Do I think it's normal? Yes. It is for me. I'm not a doctor nor do I profess to be one. But, I certainly have had feelings bubble to the surface regarding my miscarriage... and the tears followed. You mentioned your other son is in the Air Force. Doing well, but you miss him. I'd like to thank him and you for his service. I also wish him a safe return home. Let me say this: I think when you see your other children there may be something deep inside that wonders what the child you lost would have been like. I know it happens to me. Although I don't have children, I have nieces and nephews. Some are grown and some are growing up. There are times, especially "milestones", the anniversary of my miscarriage which happens to be right around now and holidays, when thoughts about my baby and losing him hit hard. My niece will be 16 this year. I can't believe how time flies. When I think about time flying, I sometimes think about my baby. I wonder what all those "firsts" and "milestones" would have been like. Perhaps the same happened to you- out of the blue. Although the pain is not nearly as raw as it was right after I miscarried, I will always love the little one I never got to watch grow up. I will always feel connected to him. I've come to accept that those times when I'm acutely aware of losing him, of my miscarriage. I'll feel the ache and wonder: Why now? What's going on with me? Sometimes, I can pinpoint a trigger. Others, I can't. All I can say to you is I believe what you felt was normal because it's normal to me. I hope some of what I said makes sense. If nothing else, I hope you feel less alone. Believe me, you are not alone. Wishing you healing and comfort, Ellen
3. Ellen, Host of MiscarriageHelp said on 5/2/17 - 09:21PM
Dear Mary, I email you my response. This box won't allow me more than 1000 characters. Sending you thoughts and prayers. I am so sorry for your loss.

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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to I am deeply sorry for your loss.
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" is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

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