Miscarriage: The emotional trauma. How to cope? : MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: The emotional trauma. How to cope?

by Ellen DuBois on 05/04/11

Tomiya says:

Some days are better than others for me, but I just cant stop thinking about how I caught my lifeless baby in my hand I was 11 weeks pregnant and started having pains at home. I went to the hospital and began bleeding I have had miscarriages before they were sloppy little scenes but never have I ever caught my baby. I was suing the restroom and felt a really bad contraction(cramp) and went to wipe and in my hand on tissue was my child. the next contraction that came like clockwork at 3 mintues was my fully intact placenta with only the part that my child went through open. How can I get over that? It was traumatic enough havign another miscarriage but only even more so when I saw my child with arms legs and a face even though it wasnt the gerber baby face I just keep thinking he was beautiful. I dont know how to cope with this kind of miscarriage. Any suggestions.

Dear Tomiya,
I am so, so sorry for all of your losses, and your most recent miscarriage was very traumatic. I can't imagine the pain of having my baby land in my hands. This has happened to many women who have written to me and my heart goes out to you. Losing your baby to miscarriage is difficult enough. When you add to it the trauma of actually seeing your baby...Dear God, I wish I knew what to say.
I never do have the right words, if there are any. All I can offer is my heart, my support, and listening to you. I know you need to heal and I understand you have been through a terrible ordeal.
On those days when you feel stuck, please know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know this doesn't take your pain away, but I hope it helps- even if just a little.
If it's something you're comfortable with and able to do, talking to a counselor is helpful. Writing it out, as you have here, helps to get some of what you're feeling out- venting onto the screen or onto paper.
One of the biggest things is to know you are heard and that I and many others know your loss(es) are real. Your grief is validated and you are not expected to just 'brush off' and get on with things. You need your time to grieve and heal. It's different for everyone. When you have the awful, sad experience of seeing your baby the way you did, it adds to the pain for certain. There will probably be women who read your comment who end up sharing a similar experience with you. Although I know none of it is good, it is helpful to connect with those who have lived the same.
When I miscarried, I had to wait for a D&C. My body did not miscarry my baby on its own. In some ways, I think what I went through was painful but less traumatic. The loss was as deep and real, but I didn't have the painful image of seeing my baby. That's something I wish I could ease for you.
There is no easy answer. Time, feeling, crying, talking, writing, healing. It's different for all of us but these are some of the ways we cope with such a loss. Sometimes writing a letter to your baby, when/if you are ready is helpful. It gives you the chance to say what you wish you could have to your child. Also, a memorial of some sort, i.e., planting a tree, setting balloons into the air, etc., help give you some closure and that's so important to your healing. The thing is, you need to do what's right for you at your own pace in your own way. There is no right or wrong. Your heart will let you know....
If you ever need to just 'let it out', please know I am here to listen and care very deeply about what you're going through.
One day at a time. Sending you loads of love and light. I don't know what your beliefs are, but I believe your beautiful baby is with you in spirit and loves you very, very much.

Comments (5)

1. jacqueline prives golburgh said on 5/4/11 - 09:09AM
I feel so much for you. When i had my mi carriage in 1970 no one cared. There were no support groups at all. I was left alone with my deep sadness and grief and loss. the doctors were so insensitive! But what do men know? I know and I'm here to care for you. Time is great healer and you must take time, a lot of time. I'm 67 and I cried when i read you letter. I did have 3 children, so there is always HOPE. Tears and hope and time will evenutally help you heal. Never hide your heart? My love is wrapped around you. jacquie
2. Ellen DuBois said on 5/4/11 - 10:14AM
Dear Jacqueline, I am so sorry for your loss, too. You must have felt extremely alone and isolated in your grief. Thank you for reaching out and sharing your heart and hope. Love and Light, Ellen
3. rosa neno said on 5/4/11 - 06:12PM
dear tomiya: my prayers are with you. i too had my baby girl fall into my hands when i miscarried on 12/31/09. i think about her every day, still. this is a wonderful website, has given me much comfort. please contine to read and see that there are many women like us. the days will slowly get easier, but for now it is ok to feel what you feel, be it anger, grief, sadness, loss, etc. ellen helped me when i wrote to her in feb 2010, and i bought her book. it was well worth the read. May God bless you and keep you in the palm of his hand, love, rosa.
4. Ellen DuBois said on 5/4/11 - 08:49PM
Dear Rosa, As you know, I am so sorry for your loss and I thank you for reaching out to another who feels just as you did. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Love and Light, Ellen
5. maree said on 5/7/11 - 09:25AM
i feel so sorry for all of you but i need to know how to get over my second one in early june 2010

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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

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