Miscarriage: Living Through the Darkness : MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: Living Through the Darkness

by Ellen DuBois on 02/17/14



If you're here, chances are you've suffered a miscarriage. If that's the case, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the heartache.

The emptiness.

The longing...

Reflecting back on those first days after my miscarriage, I see a young woman who felt numb, detached, sick, afraid. From the moment I knew my baby was gone, my entire world was rocked to its core. Everything I saw was skewed. Even colors appeared different, as if cloaked with a gray, heavy, wet piece of guaze.

I went into quite a tailspin after losing my son. I was twenty five, sixteen and a half weeks pregnant and suddenly that same twenty five year old was shattered. I had to say goodbye to my baby and didn't want to. I had to live with my baby still inside of me until the D&C. I had to kiss the dreams of our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family goodbye along with a treasure chest of more dreams.

Let go? I didn't want to let go, but life was forcing my hand.

I wept and nobody could console me. I remember waking up after my D&C. I never took well to anesthesia. The minute my eyes opened, I threw up and because of the procedure, my gown became drenched with blood with the sudden jerking of my body.

Although I was dazed, I was well aware of what happened. I didn't speak, but heard a kind nurse assure me it was okay and she began cleaning me up.

God, it was awful.

At home, I was a heap of tears, tissues and had zip for energy.

I wanted to wake up from the nightmare, but I was awake. It was my life. Sleep was the only thing that buffered the blow and it was difficult to sleep. My mind kept churning. I replayed the day I found out my baby had no heartbeat in my mind over and over again.

It took a lot of time, faith, grieving, crying, letting it out, crying some more and then some before I could even begin to crawl out of the dark hole I was in. Feeling like nobody quite got what I was going through didn't help.

So, when I was up to it, I searched the bookstores for something to assure me I was normal for feeling like I did. I grew very tired after coming up empty handed. To say it sucked is an understatement.

My world was dark. My relationship with my husband was dark. The world felt dark and I wondered how I'd live through all the darkness.

Somehow, I did. It was not easy. My marriage ended less than two years after my miscarriage, throwing me into yet another tailspin.

I survived. I talked to a counselor and it helped. I got through my divorce and although I was shaken by all the panic attacks I was experiencing, I got through them, too.

You know, you are normal if you're feeling like you're sitting in some sort of bottomless pit, wondering where the light of day is. You're normal if one minute you feel "kind of sort of okay" and the next you're breaking down into a heap of tears. You are normal if you think about your baby and wonder what went wrong. You're normal if you can't stand the thought of being around a pregnant woman, even if she's a friend or relative. You're not a bad person, you're a woman in pain and being around someone who is pregant just makes you remember...everything.

I want you to try and believe, as hard as it might seem, that you'll get through this. You will come out on the other side. I won't lie to you and give you a time frame. We are all different and grieve in our own way and in our own time. You will, however, get through this and I know, if you're feeling anything like I did all those years ago, it's very hard for you to believe you'll feel anything close to how you used to feel. It's hard to believe you'll ever laugh again or breathe a nice deep, relaxed breath without your chest feeling so tight you're going to explode.

God, I've been there and I'm so, so sorry if you're there right now. I wish I could wipe away your tears and hug away some of your pain. I wish, I wish.

What I can do is share some of my journey after my own miscarriage, as I did here. I can revisit a time when I was so afraid...of everything. I can tell you I questioned God, myself, asked "why" a thousand times. I reveal this part of my life to you because I want you to know you are not alone and you're also not crazy or abnormal or anything of the sort.

You are a woman who has lost her baby and is grieving. And, guess what? You have every right to grieve no matter what anyone else thinks or says or does. You have the right to feel and need time to heal.

You will live through the darkness and come out on the other side. You will survive this time in your life and I'd be willing to say you wonder, sometimes, if you will.

You will. Reach out. Ask for help. Reach up. Ask God for a hand. Reach for a pen, or sit in front of your computer and get those feelings out so you can free up some space in your body, mind and soul for healing.

It's a tough journey, but I assure you, it will get better and your little one will always be near.

I know. My little one got me through so many tough times.

Looking back, I think he was so much of my strength, pulling me through the darkness.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

 



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Comments (1)

1. Susan said on 2/19/14 - 11:19AM
Ellen, Thank you so much for sharing your story. I'm sorry you had to go through it, but your words have helped me a great deal. I do feel crazy some days. I wonder if I'll ever feel like myself again. You've helped me believe I will. xo Susan


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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Ellen M. DuBois
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. (There's a link at the top of this page and right below this). Love & comfort to you, Ellen




The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some nineteen years ago). Every time I searched through the maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one-especially not to miscarriage. What about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?- Ellen M. DuBois"

MiscarriageHelp.com is your safe place to share your feelings after miscarriage. Share your feelings, gain support. I am here for you, we are all here for you.

Your miscarriage and all the feelings associated with your loss are real. Your baby was real. I know your pain, and want to help as much as I can. You are heard and cared about here-- and by no means are you alone. I know sometimes it feels like you are, but we, the women and families who have suffered the emotional pain after miscarriage are walking beside you with empathy and understanding.

I've been the Host of MiscarriageHelp.com since 2006, and there are hundreds of posts to read, along with my responses and those of others who opened their hearts - offering support, words of love, hope and so much more.

On this first page, you will find posts from this point onward. Miscarriage posts from 2006-2010, (prior to MiscarriageHelp's new location) are in the "Posts" links in the menu. If you feel ready to open your mind, heart and spirit, please share whatever you're feeling on this page. You'll find the area to post above, (on this page).

There is no right or wrong way to feel after miscarriage. Believe me, I've run the emotional spectrum, as so many of us have after miscarriage.

Please post your comments in the blog or email me. I will answer each and every one of your posts.

Much Love and Light to you, and loads of support. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Ellen

I Never Held You speaks to the heart of women, their families and friends who have either lived through the pain & grief after miscarriage, or who want to better support someone who has. Author Ellen M. DuBois shares her own painful journey after miscarriage taking you from her darkest moments of grief, despair, isolation, anxiety, fear and depression to the steps she took towards healing and recovery. Her suggestions prove to be helpful in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after suffering such a heartbreaking loss. I Never Held You validates your grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, and assures you that you're not alone in your struggle. With the help of contributing author Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief- and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for help and support after miscarriage, or want to help someone how has miscarried, this is the book for you. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com
Click here to order your copy.

Click here to visit Amazon.com for Ellen's miscarriage book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1) .



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