Miscarriage: "Do you believe my baby is in Heaven?"by Ellen DuBois on 08/14/12
I am really struggling with my faith and the whole belief of Heaven since losing my baby. I miscarried in June and feel like I've been spiraling downward ever since. I've always believed in God, Heaven, etc. Now, something's changed. I'm so full of questions and I can't find the answers. Do you believe my baby is in Heaven?
Thanks for listening,
Yes, I do. However, let me say that I'm so sorry for your loss and I know how upside-down you perceptions and beliefs can be after suffering such a loss. I know my world looked and felt like there was fog over everything after my miscarriage. I remember it like yesterday.
Did I question why God would allow me to lose my baby, my dream? Yes. Was I angry and confused over this? Yes. Did I feel my baby's presence around me shortly after I miscarried? No. When that happened, I felt even more empty and lost.
I went through some serious battles with my faith, but never lost it. Faith in what? In God, in a life that goes on after this one, in knowing my baby was in a much better place and there was a reason, although it felt like my soul was torn in half, he was not here on earth me. I couldn't have handled hearing that then. Actually, I did, in one form or another and it felt like somebody poured salt on my open wound.
I was so buried in grief, for some time, that it took a while for me to 'feel' my baby, my son, around me. It just happened and that's actually what inspired me to write my book. However, long before I ever wrote anything, I could feel him near. When I cried so hard my stomach hurt, I felt him. I missed him, too, so it was difficult to find comfort in feeling him near for a while. The pain was too much and it blinded me.
Maybe we all go through something like that. Based on how many women have written in over the past several years, I've come to know our walks, our feelings, aren't much different. We may all grieve in our own way after miscarriage, but the tie connecting us is one of grief, loss, oh and questions upon questions.
So again, I do believe your baby is in Heaven. How we believe and feel this is as individual as we are. I don't think I ever stopped believing my baby was Heaven, but I was so hurt and frustrated when I couldn't FEEL it. Maybe that's part of what you're living, and I know it's tough.
Hang on. Sometimes you have to swim through an ocean of tears before you can come up for air and begin to see and feel things other than your pain.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. If you ever want to write again, know that I'm here to listen and offer whatever I can.
Love and Light,