by Ellen DuBois on 04/18/17
Twenty six years ago, right around this time of year, I had a miscarriage.
Although it's been a long time since then, I remember the day, the hospital room, the ultrasound, the numbness I felt when I found out my baby died, the color of the pavement as I walked to my car with my head down, my sister's arm around my shoulders, the quiet ride home, the pressure in my chest, head, body, the horrible realization that my baby was still in my womb, nodding in silent agreement to a D & C, waiting for my husband (at the time) to get home so I could tell him...all of it.
I have grown since then. It took time, but the once open wound in my heart healed and left a scar. I learned to live my life without the baby I loved. It wasn't easy. There were days I felt like I was getting better and others where I wondered if I ever would. So many times I felt the cold isolation miscarriage leaves in its path. I wondered if I should be "over it" and then realized there wasn't really an "over it". I had to wait for the pain to lessen, the tears to slow, the ache to subside, the longing to fade.
The love, however, never died, never subsided, never faded. I will always love the baby I never held and I've come to accept that as part of my life. Just like I will always love my mother, who passed away two-plus years ago. The love remains. It always will.
To all those who are struggling right now, you will get through the thick of it. You will eventually come out on the other side and begin living your life again with fewer tears. There will come a time when you're able to go out and not have to force yourself to do so. You will find yourself smiling again, laughing again and you'll begin to recognize yourself again.
As you go through the muddy waters of grief, I want you to know that you won't always feel like you do now. That cloud you feel looming over you won't always be there. Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. You need and deserve it.
When you feel like the world simply doesn't get how you feel, please know that there are others who do get it. It doesn't take away your pain, but it makes you feel less alone. If you need to talk to someone who isn't tired of listening to your story, find that person, whether it's online, over the phone or in person, and talk it out. Let your feelings out because it does you more harm than good to keep them inside.
Believe me, I know.
As we get closer to Mother's Day, know that I understand the silent pain you carry. I get there's a piece of your heart connected to your baby in Heaven. I don't believe that connection ever goes away. It hasn't for me and I've grown into finding comfort in that connection.
You'll get through this and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
Love and God Bless,
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.
Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. firstname.lastname@example.org
Love & comfort to you, Ellen
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