Miscarriage: Connection : MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: Connection

by Ellen DuBois on 04/18/17

Twenty six years ago, right around this time of year, I had a miscarriage.

Although it's been a long time since then, I remember the day, the hospital room, the ultrasound, the numbness I felt when I found out my baby died, the color of the pavement as I walked to my car with my head down, my sister's arm around my shoulders, the quiet ride home, the pressure in my chest, head, body, the horrible realization that my baby was still in my womb, nodding in silent agreement to a D & C, waiting for my husband (at the time) to get home so I could tell him...all of it.

I have grown since then. It took time, but the once open wound in my heart healed and left a scar. I learned to live my life without the baby I loved. It wasn't easy. There were days I felt like I was getting better and others where I wondered if I ever would. So many times I felt the cold isolation miscarriage leaves in its path. I wondered if I should be "over it" and then realized there wasn't really an "over it". I had to wait for the pain to lessen, the tears to slow, the ache to subside, the longing to fade.

The love, however, never died, never subsided, never faded. I will always love the baby I never held and I've come to accept that as part of my life. Just like I will always love my mother, who passed away two-plus years ago. The love remains. It always will.

To all those who are struggling right now, you will get through the thick of it. You will eventually come out on the other side and begin living your life again with fewer tears. There will come a time when you're able to go out and not have to force yourself to do so. You will find yourself smiling again, laughing again and you'll begin to recognize yourself again.

As you go through the muddy waters of grief, I want you to know that you won't always feel like you do now. That cloud you feel looming over you won't always be there. Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. You need and deserve it. 

When you feel like the world simply doesn't get how you feel, please know that there are others who do get it. It doesn't take away your pain, but it makes you feel less alone. If you need to talk to someone who isn't tired of listening to your story, find that person, whether it's online, over the phone or in person, and talk it out. Let your feelings out because it does you more harm than good to keep them inside. 

Believe me, I know.

As we get closer to Mother's Day, know that I understand the silent pain you carry. I get there's a piece of your heart connected to your baby in Heaven. I don't believe that connection ever goes away. It hasn't for me and I've grown into finding comfort in that connection. 

You'll get through this and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 

Love and God Bless,


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com 
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Comments (4)

1. Alayna said on 5/2/17 - 08:20PM
I'm Alayna and I'm 18 years old. I know it might sound like it's stupid for me to get emotional about losing a child because of my age and the fact that I was still debating on whether or not to get an abortion or not. Which I don't think I could've gone along with. I was 3 months pregnant when I lost him (Ezra) it was on December 1st 2016. Which was only 6 months ago. My mom and the father had dreams about him that's why I figured it's a boy. I was going through a lot at this time, moving, senior year I had 5 deaths in my life including him and I lost a relationship with my best friend at the time because of my moodiness and the state of depression I was in... anyways 6 months has past I left the father because he wasn't supporting me like I needed, no one was because no one I'm close to understands this feeling. This is a feeling I've never felt before. A pain in my chest like no other I've ever had before even now. I write to him everyday and tell him everything' that's going on in my life and how he's made me a stronger person. But some days are harder than others and today is one of those days. I think about Ezra everyday and I don't understand why it's still hitting so hard. I don't know if it's normal and how long this pain is going to last. I truly fell in love with him the months I was carrying him. I was so alone at the time and it seemed like he was the only one to talk to so that's what I did. I built a relationship with him and then I lost him. I plan on purchasing your book asap but I really do need the advice right now and someone to push me through because I don't know who else to go to. Thank you for having this page it is amazing and I hope you know that.
2. Ellen DuBois said on 5/12/17 - 08:34PM
Dear Alanya, I am so sorry for your loss. Ezra is a beautiful name and I believe he is with you- although I know it's not the way you want it to be. I know what it's like to fall in love with your baby before you even see him. I did the same thing. I want you to know that you are not alone in this. I have felt so many of the things you've shared. I'll continue this in another comment because I'm only allow a certain number of words.)
3. Ellen DuBois said on 5/12/17 - 08:40PM
Alanya, (continued) The pain you're feeling right now is still very raw. I've been there and know you may be wondering if it'll ever subside. What I can tell you is over time, it will lessen. You'll never forget your little one. I never did. But, there will come a time when you feel more like "you" again. To me, what you're feeling is perfectly normal. I'm not a doctor, but I lived what you're living and still have a strong connection to my baby, Alex. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and please be patient with yourself. You have the right to grieve just like anyone who suffered a loss. Your loss is just as real.
4. Ellen DuBois said on 5/12/17 - 08:42PM
If you ever feel the need to talk this out with someone, please do. A counselor, clergy, a friend. It's important to know you are supported and your loss and grief are recognized. Give yourself time. I'm here if you just need to vent. Love and Prayers, Ellen

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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

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