I've heard so much about miscarriages lately. Last week my father asked me for some of my business cards, (for this site), because someone he knew had recently experienced a miscarriage. My heart went out to her. I don’t know her, but that doesn't matter. I knew she was a woman in pain, grieving, probably feeling very alone.

I was talking to a woman and her friend recently lost a baby to miscarriage.

People I am acquainted with have, upon finding out about my book and this miscarriage support site, opened up to me and shared their own loss.

My heart goes out to all of them and to all of you. It's very difficult not knowing the why of it all. Why all the pain? Why the LOSS?

Why?

I don't know. I never knew why when I miscarried. I was told, like so many of you, that I could try again, how the 'fetal tissue' was perfectly normal and how common miscarriages are.

Ouch.

I don't know what it's going to take before more people view miscarriage as the loss of a baby. I don't know what it'll take before more people in general and in the medical community realize that you grieve after a miscarriage, as with any other loss. You grieve for the baby you loved, for what could have been- all of it.

More awareness, I suppose. More women and their families talking about it.

More of us joining together on a public platform and spilling our hearts out, knowing we are heard and cared about because the ones we are crying to are crying with us and for us.

You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Hi Everyone,

I hope you're doing as well as can be expected.

I was thinking about what I wanted to say and the words 'some days' came to mind. After wondering what this meant, I recalled how 'some days' were better than others after my miscarriage. At first, they all seemed to blend together into one, big blur of a day. It lasted months.

Slowly, 'some days' were better than others. There were days I found myself crying less, or not at all. 

There were days I'd feel okay, and then something would trigger the reality of my loss and I'd be a mess.

I think what I'm trying to say to you is that some days are going to be better, and worse, and better again. It's not abnormal. You're not 'weird' or alone if you're wondering why your emotions are bouncing all over the board. You are perfectly normal if you feel this way. You're grieving, remembering, feeling and yes, healing.

I'm no expert, but I can certainly say I've lived it and have heard from many women who have also lived it.

So, 'some days', when things feel like they're caving in all around you, remember that there will be 'some days' that are far, far better.

Really, there will be.

I am so sorry for your loss and my thoughts and prayers are with you.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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In reading the posts I've received over the years, I was reminded once again how connected we are. The fear, pain, grief and overall sadness miscarriage leaves in its path is very much the same for all of us. While our lives may be very different, the emptiness and fear and more felt after miscarrying is sadly, something we all have in common.

This is a post from 2008, and I pray Jessy in doing well and has healed. Although I'm sure she won't forget, the open wound left behind after miscarriage eventually closes... and we see a scar.

I'm so sorry for all your losses, and you're in my thoughts and prayers always.

Ellen

I'm currently experiencing my second miscarriage. My first one happened right before Christmas. We had been so excited after trying to get pregnant for 6 months, that we told everyone we knew, including my 6yr old son. It was so difficult to tell everyone what had happened. It was a very early miscarriage- I was only about 5 weeks. I was stunned, I had never thought that I might have to deal with that. I never had a normal cycle between pregnancies, we didn’t think we'd get pregnant again so quickly, so we didn't bother trying to prevent it. Now, of course I wish we had. Going through this is hard enough, but going through it twice in such a short period of time is horrible. I can't help but worry that something is wrong with me. I have an appointment with the doctor today, so hopefully she can set my mind at ease a little. Meanwhile, all I can think about is these 2 babies that I wanted so badly. What might they have been like? Who would they have looked like? Why couldn't I keep them?
How can I look forward to trying to get pregnant again, when I know it will be a terrifying experience?

Dear Jessy,

I am so sorry for both of your losses. Having two miscarriages so close together must be extremely difficult on you emotionally, physically and spiritually.

Going to your doctor will hopefully set your mind at ease a bit. I can't say why your miscarriages happened-and even if I could, I know it wouldn’t take away from the pain you're living now.

Thinking about the two babies you lost to miscarriage is something I would do, too. Even today, I think about the son I lost, and wonder what he'd be like. Just like you. It's so painful, and most of us tend to try and figure out why, or wonder if  there's anything wrong with us.

Right now, please give yourself the time you need to grieve your babies. Perhaps you could give your babies a memorial service like some of the women here have done. Some have taken balloons and released them, watching them fly high like spirits into the air. I never did anything like that, and wish I had. It would have given me some closure. If you feel it's  right for you it would be good to follow your heart. Either way, there is no right or wrong.

One day at a time is all we have, and that's how we have to take things. Please be gentle to yourself and realize you are grieving your babies. You're going to have days that are very difficult, and some will be easier to get through. Grief is never easy, but allowing yourself to grieve is so important to moving on. Moving on does not mean forgetting your little ones. It simply means you're able to go on with your life after miscarriage(s), and the pain isn't nearly as close to the surface as it is right now.

I pray your fears about getting pregnant again are lessened after your visit to the doctor. I know it's not easy to even think about being pregnant right now-many of us would be afraid, too. But, over time you will heal. As you heal, your fears will diminish. I don’t know if they will disappear- I think many of us have some fears about pregnancy regardless of whether we've miscarried or not. But, I don't want to see your fears ruling your life. That's what I mean when I say they'll diminish as you heal.

Please take care of yourself and know you're in my thoughts and prayers. I am glad you found us and shared your heart. You are cared about more than you know.

Blessings, Light and Healing to you,
Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

I was more than surprised when a friend on Facebook alerted me to the fact that my book, "I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery ", appeared in The Boston Herald in the "Ask Amy" advice column. Of course I ran out to buy a few copies. I've since discovered it's also in The Chicago Tribune, and I'm not certain of where else.  (Syndicated by Tribune Media Services.)

Anyway, I am honored...more than honored. I just can't find the words. Thank you to Amy Dickinson, "Ask Amy",  for mentioning my book and for giving such profound, heartfelt advice to the woman who wrote in, feeling depressed as the anniversary of her miscarriage approached.

I know the feeling well, and I am acutely aware that many of you do, too. It's a sting that nothing can really take away. The wound heals. A scar forms. We all heal in our own time. Even when we think we're 'there', finally feeling somewhat normal after such a loss, triggers like anniversary dates catch us off guard and we often find ourselves slipping into a place we don't want to be.

It feels like the wound opens up all over again, only to have to heal... all over again.

My heart goes out to all of you who have lost a baby, or babies, to miscarriage. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

We are there for each other.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Here's the link the the column:

Anniversary of miscarriage brings on grief

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Let's make today, January 27 a day full of love, inspiration, support & encouragement for our sisters and brothers in pregnancy, infant and childhood loss. If you are proud of your friends in our community - let them know by making this your profile picture, sharing it, reaching-out to a friend who needs a 'lift' or a random act of kindness.

Much thanks to www.treasurebeans.com  for this beautiful image.

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"After I miscarried, I barely got through a day without crying- and that lasted for a long time. So long, I wondered if I was going crazy because I just couldn't shake the feelings inside. It got to the point where I couldn't walk past baby food in the grocery store or baby clothes in a department store without feeling like I was going to burst. What a number it did on my mind and body. I was wound up like a top. Perhaps you feel the same way."- Ellen M. DuBois

From my book, I Never Held You. I shared this because I think it's how so many women feel after losing a baby to miscarriage. I have walked the walk and it's, by no means, easy.

Please know there hope, light, and healing. It just takes time.

You're in my thoughts and prayers and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

Well, it's a snowy New England day, but I can't complain. We've been very lucky this winter and it's actually very pretty outside. Not looking forward to shoveling, but that comes with the territory.

For all those who have lost a baby, or more than one precious baby to miscarriage, I am very sorry for your loss(es). That's why, for the past five days, I've offered the Kindle version of my book for free on Amazon.com. I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1), can be downloaded to your kindle or other device for free. As mentioned, today is the last day of this offer. So, I'm reaching out and letting you know about this. If you or someone you know needs comfort, support and help, you can find these things within the pages of I Never Held You. It will help you or someone you love on the journey to through grief to healing after miscarriage.  

When we help each other, I believe the goodness spreads. It's about caring and not feeling alone. That's why I set up this promotion. If my book can help anyone, and they can grab it for free, I hope they do.

Help, support, giving and being there for each other. Those things mean a lot when you feel like the world just doesn't 'get you'.

You can find my book here:

Or simply click here: I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)

Love and Light,
Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

I am deeply sorry for your loss- please know that. I also know many women have experienced anxiety attacks after experiencing a miscarriage because it's such a deep wound and your world feels out of control. Upside-down.

So, I took something I just wrote about anxiety for another site and wanted to share it with you here. Just in case any of you are suffering from panic/anxiety. Believe me, you are not alone and I feel for you with all my being.

God Bless, Ellen

Hi. My name is Ellen DuBois. Anxiety attacks are not foreign to me. I've been living with them for over twenty-years. They used to be terrible. They used to overwhelm me, frighten me, scare the "you know what" out of me. Before I know what they were, I thought I was dying. Every time my heart raced, my hands tingled, my upper lip tingled, or I felt I had to run out of a store, the movie theater, pull over in my car, my fear was fed by more fear.

My anxiety attacks began when I was about twenty years old. I lost the sight in my left eye due to a detached retina and had a hospital stay for about a week. Test after test, poking, looking into my eyes with very bright lights and NOT knowing what was going on all did a number on me. But, I didn't know it then.

It wasn't until I was out of the hospital and home that they first began. I remember it SO clearly...like it was yesterday. I was seeing a production of "Fiddler on the Roof" and my heart started racing to the point where I felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. I was terrified, got up, and walked as fast as I could down the isle into the lobby. I called my parents, then my doctor. I was still on medication for my eye and was weaning off of it. Could that be the cause?

I was told to "go home and rest". That was it.

Life went on. I got married. Then, I experienced one of the greatest losses of my life- a miscarriage. My panic attacks were full blown and I was once again thrust into a world of fear. Because nobody ever told me what was going on, I didn't know what was happening. I was left in a world where many told me to, once again, "just lay down and calm down."

Then, a divorce. Again the anxiety. I couldn't eat because I thought I'd choke. The thought of being alone sent me into a tailspin. I asked my sister to stay with me while my ex and I worked through the divorce. My emotions were all over the place and I literally thought I was going crazy.

In an attempt to 'reconcile' our marriage, my husband at the time and I went to a counselor. It wasn't going to save my marriage, but it did give me someone I could continue talking to. I did. Even though the divorce still happened, I kept seeing my wonderful counselor until she eventually moved her practice.

She helped me a lot, but I found myself in a world where I felt nobody got it. Nobody got me. So I dug and dug to find as much as I could about panic, anxiety, depression, our bodies, nervous systems, and eventually, how our minds and our faith can get us through and heal us from these very frightening attacks.

Over the past twenty years I've learned a lot. A lot about panic, anxiety, myself, my over-active nerves, my borderline hyperthyroid condition, (it can contribute to the racing/spazzy feeling). I've learned about meditatio-, guided meditations in particular, and how not to fight an anxiety attack, but to go with it, knowing full well that although it's terrible, it will end. I've learned how regulating my breathing regulates my body and calms it down.

I've also learned that I'm by no means alone. I have come so far from where I was, and much of it is due to my own research, reading, digging, learning, growing, accepting and yes, getting help if needed. So much of my overcoming or reducing my anxiety attacks has to do with the healing power of God, the angels and asking for help from the Creator and all spiritual beings who are here to assist me on my journey.

I do wish I never had to deal with these sometimes debilitating attacks, but it's my life and they have been a part of it. So, I want you all to know that you are not alone. If you feel like you're going out of your mind, you are not alone. If your afraid of social situations, of being alone, of driving, of eating, of...well, anything, because your anxiety attacks are so bad, you are not alone. I have been there. I have walked that terrible walk and believe me, I DO know what you're living.

I also know there is hope, healing, help and light. There are better days ahead for you. You may have to to work at it. You may have to do some reading, talk to your doctor, dive into your faith, find out who you are and what triggers your attacks, (sometimes that's tough), but you can do it. You can feel more like the "you" you remember. You can go out, drive, go to the store. You can give yourself permission to leave the room, the dinner party, the movie theater, wherever you are, if you have to. You can learn how to breath from your belly instead of your upper chest and get more air into your body so the symptoms you're feeling resolve themselves. You can do it...you can feel better. I'm not saying your anxiety attacks will completely go away. I still experience symptoms, but because I recognize them for what they are and have had to learn, (the hard way), how to control them and my fear, I am far, far better than I used to be.

I hope what I've said helps you in some way- even if just a little.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen 

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Hello Everyone,

Please let me start by saying I am so sorry for your loss. I know miscarriage leaves such a feeling of emptiness inside. It's hard to know what to do with all the emotions you're dealing with.

How do you cope?

I want to let you know that for a limited time, my book,

I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)

is available for free on your Kindle. If you have a Kindle, or know someone who does, please take advantage of this short time offer and download I Never Held You at no charge. (I believe this is for Prime members, but please look into it). I set up a promotion so those who need this book are more able to get it, but it only goes on for a couple of days. It's my hope to reach out to as many as I can who are dealing with the grief after miscarriage and with grief/healing in general. I do believe you will find comfort in this book. I pray you do.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Hello Ellen, My name is Ashley, I am 17 and I miscarried about 2 months ago. I haven't been able to find a way to deal with my grief in a positive way. I need help. I cry almost everyday when I start thinking about what I could of had. Please e-mail me back. Thank you for listening.

Dear Ashley,
 
I am so sorry for your loss. I know this is a VERY difficult time for you. One thing to remember: you are grieving the loss of your baby and that takes time. Your tears are a normal part of healing, and I know that doesn't make it any easier. But, if you're really feeling stuck, (I've been there), you may want to find someone to talk to. Maybe your parent(s) can help you find a counselor to help you through the grief. You must have so much on your plate right now and it really can be so overwhelming. Also, I don't know if this is something you can talk to your parents about. If that's the case, are you in school? Is there a counselor there who could point you in the right direction?
 
I found writing helped. I play the piano, and it helped me to get some of my emotions out, as did writing. I used to write poetry, my thoughts...anything that came to mind because I felt if I didn't, I'd burst with emotions I didn't know what to do with. I kept thinking about my baby and what could have been. I missed him so much, and I know that's probably a lot like what you're feeling. Again, I am so sorry for this heartache and your loss.
 
It's only been two months, and although it feels like 'forever', it's a short time when it comes to losing your baby to miscarriage, or any other loss. Please give yourself the time and permission to grieve. Healing will come, but sadly, you have to walk the road.
 
There were times I didn't know what to do, or how to cope. There were days when I'd wonder when, or if, I'd ever feel like myself again. It took time, and that's probably not something you want to hear right now. But, it's the truth and I don't want to share anything by my truth with you. One thing I'd like to stress here is that what you're feeling, (all the sadness, etc.), is normal. It's not a good way to feel, but it's normal.
 
You're very young, and that does not take away from your pain at all. I'd imagine there's a lot going on in your life right now: friends, school, perhaps work...all these things combined with the sorrow after miscarriage is a lot to handle. If you can find the right person to talk to, please give it a try if it feels right for you. I know you have to get your parents permission, but in the end, it'll be worth it. Let me add, however, we all deal with grief in different ways and talking it out with someone may, or may not, feel right to you.
 
One thing you may want to do is have a memorial for your baby. Only you know if it's the right time or not, and that's okay. Something as simple, but very meaningful, as setting a balloon into the air in honor of your baby helps with closure. We often don't get that after we've miscarried and we're left in a state of 'limbo'. Some people plant a tree or flowers. Some people wear special jewelery in honor of their baby. These things help us get through, give us strength, and remind us that our baby was very, very loved and meant something. It helps to heal your heart, and that doesn't mean forgetting. I know you won't forget the baby and there will always be a special place in your heart. I never forgot, and it's been a long time.
 
If you need to write again, please do. I am here to listen. I know it's not the same as talking to someone face to face, but I am here as are many who have shared their feelings on this site.
 
I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. Please take one day at a time.
 
Love and Light,
Ellen

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Ashley says:

Thank you so much. I have been searching all night for some comforting words for what I have been going through. Even though my baby was only eight weeks old I loved him so much. Yes, I say him because my husband and I have always said we will always have a boy. My heart has broken so badly and I just feel so lonely. My husband has been so wonderful and caring but he works overseas and had to leave five days after my dnc procedure. I can only contact him through email which isn't the same. He is so supportive but he can only do so much since he is not in country. Even when I talk to my girlfriends I just feel that they want to be supportive but they don't know how I feel since they have not been through it. I am just struggling through it all. We wanted a baby so badly and have worked so hard to give our future child a lovely home and it did not happen the way we had hoped. I just wanted to possibly speak to someone who may feel the same as I do. Thank you for your lovely website and I hope you can help.

Dear Ashley,
I am so sorry for your loss. So many of us have felt alone after we miscarry- as if nobody 'gets' what we are feeling. It must be very difficult having your husband overseas. Although he sounds very supportive, it's not the same as having him there to give you a hug.

The emptiness left after losing your little baby boy is real, and so is the grief. It's not an easy thing, (by a long shot), to go through. Please know the best you can do is good enough. You really do need to takes things one moment at a time. With your husband away, maybe it would be good for you to keep a journal to help you get some of your feelings out. It's not always easy to write, but it's better than keeping the pain inside. In a way, it helps free your emotions so they don't get pent up inside.

Having girlfriends who are supportive is a blessing, but when they haven't walked the same road it can make you feel isolated in terms of being understood. That doesn't take away from them being there for you- it's so important they are. But, connecting with women who have lived through losing a baby to miscarriage makes you feel like you're not alone, or crazy, or any of those things.

You're not. You're a woman who is grieving and feels very alone right now. I wish I could be there just to listen, but please know that I'm here, and I do get what you're feeling.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please write if you ever need to 'get it out'.

Love and Light, Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

I subscribe to The Daily Om, and it's a wonderful newsletter that nourishes the mind, body and spirit. Today, I read my horoscope, (I'm not really big on horoscopes, but the ones from the Daily Om have such beautiful messages). Anyway, it was about how it's so good for us to find a place to retreat, to regroup, if you will, when we feel overwhelmed by life.

I know I wanted to hide after my miscarriage. There were days when I didn't want to hear about it, talk about it, be reminded of it. I wish I knew then what I know now, as the old expression goes. I forged on and forced myself, at the cost of a pneumonia the summer after I miscarried my son, to get through life while not giving myself the time I needed, or the space, to rest- mind, body and spirit.

Here's a quote from my Daily Om today:  "When worldly pressures become too much to bear, escaping into the tranquility of a personal sanctuary can help you restore your balance and peace of mind. The demands we face each day can make us feel overwhelmed and exhausted, yet we're often driven to keep going at all costs. A desire or need to retreat is not a sign of weakness but rather a sign that you know your limits. Remember that rest is an important part of staying healthy and grounded. A quiet and private spot, whether in your home or elsewhere, can provide you with the stillness and serenity you need to recover and ready yourself for another round of obligations. Retreating into a comforting, quiet place today will give you an opportunity to recover from lingering stress and rejuvenate your soul. " (If interested, you can find their website here: http://www.dailyom.com/)

I'm deeply sorry for your loss, and you're in my thoughts and prayers. May you find a way to give yourself the peace, rest and quiet you need to assist your healing.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Hi Everyone,

I hope you're doing the best you can today.

You know, I'm home feeling a bit under the weather and I wanted to write something here. So many thoughts go through my mind, but they all come down to one thing:

Miscarriage is still so often treated as a 'non event'. Not in all cases, but in so many.

Too  many.

I just want to say to all of you who have lived through the terrible pain of miscarriage that it's anything but a non event. Your loss was real and so is the grief and healing you go through afterwards. It's not an easy climb out of the darkness after losing your baby to miscarriage. I know...I know. It was a long time ago for me, but I remember how I felt like it was yesterday. I remember the tears, the wondering, the fear. I was so lost and couldn't find myself. Every day I prayed, hoped for the pain to subside and for quite some time those tears fell.

And fell some more.

I loved my baby like you loved yours. You probably still do, and I still love mine.

To all those who just don't get it, please try to. It may be difficult to understand the emotions a woman and her family are experiencing after a miscarriage, but let me tell you, their loss is real. I can't fault you for not understanding what you don't know or haven't lived, but here's a couple of helpful things: Please try to hold back from saying things like It was meant to be, or You can always try again. You may have the best intentions, but those words don't really help. They hurt. It's like dismissing the baby who died. The baby who mattered and counted for something. I think it's best to either not say anything and give a hug, send a card, or say something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss."

The baby was very real, and very, very loved.

My thoughts and prayers and with all of you.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Ellen, I just wanted to write to tell you thank you. Thank you for sharing your story and providing place for others to share theirs. I am a coffee shop junkie (as shared in my blog: http://ifcoffeecouldtalk.com) and spent about 4 hours recently reading the book. I moved to a new state away from friends and family about six months ago and lost our baby about 2 months later. I felt very alone in my thoughts and emotions and this book has helped me recognize I am not alone and should not feel guilty for my emotions. All good wishes, Alison Buckley

PS- I'll be sure to check out your blog. It sounds great as I am a coffee 'junkie' myself.

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Hello Everyone,

Well, the new year is here and something told me to write this to all of you. I'm not sure what will come out, but my spirit wants me to write- from my heart, to yours.

While walking down the street,

or driving in your car,

working, shopping, wherever you are.

Tears may come from 'nowhere',

catching you off guard.

You may start to wonder,

why life seems so hard.

Loss is very painful,

a loss of any kind.

Please treat yourself gently.

To thy self be kind.

One day at a time,

Yes, you've heard it before.

But, it's important to know,

you'll find the healing door.

As you take your journey,

simply do the best you can.

I believe your baby's with you,

holding your sweet hand.

I'm sorry for your loss.

I'm sorry for your pain.

I also know the sun,

will break through all the rain.

I know you won't forget.

I know inside you've changed.

And...

I know you'll find yourself again,

as you sift through grief's remains.

God Bless,

Ellen

Love and Light, Ellen

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From I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery - by Ellen DuBois: "Through adversity comes strength. I'd never wish this kind of adversity on you, but since you are living it, you can take it and turn it into something that will not only make you a stronger person, but will enable you to lend some strength to those who need it. Maybe not today, or even this year--but, someday."

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Hello Everyone,

As we approach the new year, you may be filled with mixed emotions. If you suffered a miscarriage in 2011, perhaps you welcome the new year and look to its arrival as a fresh start, an opportunity to heal, a new beginning. Maybe, you're feeling sad as you reflect upon a year that carried with it great pain and you're wondering...why?

I gently suggest you look at ushering in of the new year as a time for you to say, "Wow. 2011 had such rocky times. I know I have some healing to do, some sadness I still carry, but I will set my intention for 2012 to be a year of healing, growing and treating myself kindly, gently and with respect."

As all the 'what ifs and could have beens' swirl around your mind, please know that you are not alone on your journey after miscarriage. I know it's very difficult to get back up after such a fall, or falls in some instances. You can get up...I believe you will, but so often it helps to know there are people out there who understand you- who have walked your walk.

I am one of those people as are countless others. May we join together in the new year, continuing to offer support, love, comfort and understanding to all those who have lost a baby, or babies to miscarriage.

There is light...and I pray you feel it in the upcoming year.

You're in my thoughts and prayers,

Ellen

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Hi everyone,

This was something that began back in 2006, and I have to admit, I forgot about it. Basically, if you already subscribe to magazines, or want to renew a subscription, etc., it'll make a difference if you do so from my special page for miscarriage awareness and support. Thank you, and I am deeply sorry for your loss. 

Love and Light, Ellen

Click here to visit the MiscarriageHelp.com Magazine Store...and thank you.

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"M" says: Ellen I got your book yesterday and I wanted to sit down and read it all because I feel so alone but my pager went off and I had to go in for my first labor pt since the loss of Nathaniel. On one hand I was nervous about this first baby and yet just wanted to get it over with. I sat with her more than I have been lately since I hadnt felt well with morning sickness, almost wanting to experience this alongside this mom and imagine what my birth would be like. I didn't cry but as this baby boy was born I was so happy that this lady got to keep her baby and she didn't have to lose her precious baby.
I went back to work, too soon and everyone knew it. The first day I cried like five times and had an anxiety attack on my way home. Didn't handle it well. Was angry at these people who didn't take care of their bodies and didn't care so much about their baby and took drugs. I thought about how I stopped my depression meds to protect my baby and mine died and these babies are alive. it just makes me angry now
So one thing very profound I read from one of the earlier chapters of your book talked about our babies that we lost were so perfect that they didn't have to suffer through this mortal life and be tested. They were perfect. That made me feel good that he is perfect.
One thing that has been plaguing me lately is the moment nathaniel's heart stopped beating and what he felt. Did he know. Did he say goodbye. Did he suffer. Did he struggle. I think back to when I was 8 weeks pregnant and that was thanksgiving day and that is when he died. Thinking back on what I did that day, ate, anything and I know that it may not have even been that day but it's what I can remember. I was on call and I came in and caught her baby. I think if he was still there during that delivery or if he had already said goodbye. The baby's name is Paisley. I think I will always remember her because it was probably the last baby I caught with nathan.
I tried to take more time off from work because of my anxiety and depression has come back and I was told I needed to come back and no one else can keep suckin up my work. That if I needed more time then they would have to hire another midwife and train her to cover me for a leave and then I can take time to grieve. It didn't make sense. I just wish that someone at my office just said to not come back for atleast two weeks and if I needed more then whatever I need. But instead I am being punished for losing my baby, being short staffed and for having depression and anxiety. Because I can control that. It's made all these even worse. It's what has been taking my mind away from nathan and causing me so much more pain. Of all the places to work. One would think I would be really supported.
Thanks so much for listening. You have made such a difference in this experience; horrific as it has been but so nice someone listens to me.

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My little one...

I think of you as I look at the lights upon the tree.

I feel you near when I place the gifts under the tree.

There has always been joy at Christmas time for me.

Since you came into my life and left so quickly,

it's also felt like something's missing at Christmas time.

It's you, my little one in Heaven. It's you who I miss

and it's you I know is near. It's you who has given me

a gift of eternal love and I feel it deep in my soul.

It's you who I still miss placing gifts under the tree for,

even after all this time. Even after all these years and tears

and wondering and healing and growing and feeling.

At Christmas time I send my love to you,

just as I do

every, single day of the year.

But, the lights, the songs, the cards, the gifts, the ribbons and bows-

are sweet and bittersweet.

I know you are celebrating Christmas in Heaven with so many

I know and don't know. I know you are with God and that

brings a smile to my face...

Then falls a tear. A tear of grace.

Merry Christmas my little one.

I love you.

Ellen M. DuBois, 2011

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