MiscarriageHelp.com

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Miscarriage: You're not a failure and it's not your fault.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/30/15



If you feel like a failure because you've miscarried, please try to believe you are not. It wasn't your fault.- Ellen M. DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



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by Ellen DuBois on 06/30/15

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Miscarriage: We're all in this together.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/26/15



Hello Everyone,

Over the years, (since 2006 when this site launched), I've realized how much we rely on each other. The Internet has given us a way to reach out to those who have lived through the same pain- the same agonizing loss of miscarriage. I have seen people reach out to each other, even while they're in the midst of their own grief.

I've come to learn: We're all in this together. As one cries, another dries her tears. We feel sorrow and gain strength.

I believe God leads us to the right people at the right time for comfort, support, understanding, acceptance, validation and love.

I am so sorry for your loss(es). When you're feeling most alone, please hold tight to the fact that you're not. Reach out. Reach up. Reach within- even reach to your computer. I believe God cares. The angels care. So many care, including me.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



You're Not Nuts! 10 Things You May Be Feeling After Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 06/24/15



You're not "Nuts"- 10 things you may be feeling after miscarriage.

Although it's been over twenty years since my miscarriage, I remember exactly how I felt from the moment I found out my baby was no longer alive.

One of the scariest feelings was thinking I was going nuts. I really did think I was losing it.

So, I'm sharing how I felt after my miscarriage in the hopes that you'll relate on some level and not feel so alone.

Believe me, you are not and I am so sorry for your loss.

1. Feeling detached after I found out my baby had died. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else's life. As the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable", his words echoed through my head, but my mind was someplace else. Looking back, I believe it was my body's way of preserving itself. I was in shock and feeling detached kept me from becoming a mass of tears. At least while I was there, in the ultra sound room.

2. The sense of detachment followed me on the drive home. I was quiet, although I felt like I was screaming on the inside. I was quiet, but I wanted to yell at someone, something- it didn't matter. But, I didn't. I just sat there, looking out the window knowing my life had changed forever- and not in the way I wanted.

3. Feeling alone in a room full of people. After my miscarriage, I felt very separate from everyone and everything around me. I went through the motions, but felt like an empty shell.

4. I missed my baby more than anything, even though I never held him. I missed everything about my baby. I missed not having him inside of my womb, thriving. I missed the anticipation of his arrival. I ached to have him back, to be pregnant with him again, to turn back the hands of time. I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to. I missed thinking about what he'd be like, what my life with him would be like, what it would be like to celebrate all of his firsts. There was an ache inside me that was so strong and I couldn't stop it.

5. I was sad all the time and I cried a lot. I mean A LOT. One minute I'd be okay, at least getting by, and the next I'd be sobbing so hard it hurt, literally. I wanted someone to wake me up from the nightmare, but I was already awake.

6. I was jealous of women who were pregnant and couldn't stand myself for feeling that way. What kind of person was I? I came to realize it wasn't them, per say, it was what a pregnant woman represented to me: the baby I'd lost. It took me a long time to get past those feelings.

7. Struggling every time I had to buy a baby gift. Sure, it was a happy occasion for someone. I wanted them to be happy. But, buying baby gifts seemed impossible. Somehow, I did it. But, there was always the feeling that I wished I were buying the baby clothes, toys, etc. for my baby. The baby I loved, missed and never held.

8. Am I nuts? As time went on and I continued to cry at unexpected moments, I wondered if I was losing my grip. I cried a lot in my car because I was alone and nobody could say anything to me. Was I normal? Was I stuck in a place I couldn't find my way out of? Would the world always seem such gray place? Would the ache ever go away? Was I nuts?

9. There are many relationships that survive miscarriage. Mine was not one of them. I felt the distance growing between my ex and I. I wanted to bridge the gap, but didn't know how. I felt like I shouldn't always be the one reaching out to talk, only to have my feelings dismissed. It was sad and it hurt, but that's the way it was for me. Like I said, there are many relationships that survive miscarriage. It's clear to me now there were problems between us long before I miscarried.

10. Blaming myself for my miscarriage. God, it was terrible. I know it wasn't my fault...now. But, after my miscarriage, when nobody could tell me why it happened, I felt like a complete failure. After all. women had babies all the time and there I was, unable to. What did I do? I searched for the answers and came up empty handed. Yet, I still felt like a failure for some time.

If you've felt any of these things, please know you are not alone. I've walked the road and although our feelings may differ to varying degrees, we've all felt them. I know it doesn't really change things, but I hope you feel less alone on your journey to healing.

God Bless,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help: Fathers on Father's Day

by Ellen DuBois on 06/21/15



Fathers- if you've lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth or in any other way, you are remembered and thought of on this Father's Day.- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: Your Loss Was Just As Real

by Ellen DuBois on 06/19/15



No matter what anyone says, you have the right to grieve. Your loss was just as real as any other.- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



What I Needed To Hear After I Miscarried

by Ellen DuBois on 06/11/15



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-three years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, needs to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay- or at the least not crazy. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal. You deserve it. Your loss matters and so do you.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basket filled with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



 

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by Ellen DuBois on 06/10/15

Miscarriage, Grief, Hope.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/05/15



Sometimes you wonder where the strength to get through the day will come from. I know I've had days like that. After my miscarriage, there were times I didn't even want to get out of bed. I did and found the strength to do more...over time. What carried me was hope. "Even through the depths of grief, when your world feels upside down and you barely recognize yourself- Hope rises from your soul and gives you strength to walk through oceans of tears to drier land."- Ellen M. DuBois MiscarriageHelp.com

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).



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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.





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