MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage- Even if it's been years.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/28/15



Hello everybody,

I saw a TV clip the other day and it was about women having babies. There were several scenes where different women were giving birth. You could see the joy on their faces as they held their newborn child. It was such a happy picture: a mother, a father and a newborn baby.

Beneath my smile I felt the sting of my miscarriage so long ago. My emotions quickly settled down and I was okay.

The point I'm making is that no matter how long it's been since you have miscarried, you may very well feel the sting like I did. It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you off your rocker or unable to let go. What I think it means is that you deeply loved your unborn baby. You never got to meet your baby. You never experienced gazing into your baby's eyes, smiling at her, rocking her to sleep, changing her, watching her grow. You never held your baby and I never held mine.

I grieved that loss and I have gone on with my life since.

But, I will always remember.

Miscarriage often leaves a very unresolved grief in its wake. Typically, we don't experience closure as we would in other losses we experience. Nobody likes a wake or funeral- I know I don't. I choose to remember their lives, smiles, the way they touched my heart and made me feel. But, wakes and funerals give us some closure, (speaking for myself), even though they can be very difficult to get through. (Trust me, I know. I lost my mother this year and I don't know how I got through it. The only thing I can say is that God and the angels had a hand in it.)

I think it's important to create a way to remember your baby. If you're anything like me and didn't have a funeral or any kind of service for your child, you may be left with unresolved feelings of grief. You may feel like you've been living in a land of limbo because the loss of your child was never really acknowledged or validated.

Your loss mattered and so did your baby. Remembering the way your baby touched your life is important in the healing process. I waited many years to have a very informal ceremony to honor my baby's brief but life-changing stay with me. It made a difference. I wrote a note, released a balloon into the air, read the note out loud and watched the balloon as it sailed up into a sea of clouds surrounded by blue skies. I felt closure. I felt like I made a statement to my baby and to myself that said you were real, you counted, you were loved. My best friend was with me. Just the two of us.

So even if it's been years since your miscarriage, don't be afraid to find a way to honor your baby's life and give yourself some closure. You may do something similar to what I did or something entirely different. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you follow your heart. Some people plant trees in honor of their little ones while others gather in groups. Some have a special place in their house where they display something in honor of their baby. (I also have a special Christmas ornament I had made.) There is no right or wrong way to honor your baby's life. I think what matters most is that you do it if you feel it's something that would benefit you.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Miscarriage: Thoughts and Prayers

by Ellen DuBois on 07/26/15



You've been on my mind, in my thoughts and I've whispered prayers for you for comfort, support and healing.- Ellen

I was up in New Hampshire for a couple of days. The change of scenery was refreshing. Being surrounded by beautiful mountains, vibrant flowers and glistening waters and breathtaking views was good for my mind, body and spirit. A couple of days wasn't long enough.

I thought of my mother often. She passed away on January 3 of this year. She'd been to the area I was in many times with my father. I couldn't help but think, she's looked at the very same view before.

Even though I was away, I still said my prayers. Life follows you wherever you go. My faith is carried with me like a suitcase in my heart.

I wanted all of you to know that you were in my heart and my prayers, too.

You still are.

Love and light, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Thinking of all those who have suffered the pain of miscarriage. I am sorry for your loss.#miscarriageawareness #miscarriage #grief #babyloss#babylossawareness @textgramofficial

I'm Sorry- Lessons from a Nine Year Old.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/13/15



Hello everybody,

Along with running the support site, which I value very much, I also teach piano to kids ranging in age from 5 to 15. Last week while teaching, one of my students noticed my book. I keep one on a shelf in my studio along with a plethora of music.

She saw my picture on the back cover of I Never Held You and asked if I wrote it. I told her yes and she proceeded to ask me what it was about.

Explaining a miscarriage to a nine-year-old is a little bit tricky. Also, she's not my child and and I wanted to be extra careful with how I worded things.

I told her that sometimes mommies lose their babies and they go to heaven before they're ever born. With a serious look, my student asked, "Did that happen to you?"

I told her it did.

She looked directly into my eyes and said I'm sorry. I thanked her, put the book back, and went on with her piano lesson.

Why is it that a nine-year-old knows exactly what to say to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage? Perhaps a better question would be: Why is it so difficult for adults to say I'm sorry to someone who has miscarried?

Children are honest and say what's on their mind whether you want to hear it or not. One of the many things I've discovered in my 7+ years of teaching private piano lessons to children is that kids don't mince words. If they feel bad about something they'll let you know it. When they feel happy about something they'll let you know that, too.

I've always believed we are never too old to learn. I also believe that children can teach us so much about ourselves- if we listen.

I'm sorry. We can expound on that a little bit and add "for your loss". But, we don't have to. I know what I wanted to hear most after I miscarried were two words: I'm sorry. There's so much meaning carried within those two words. When somebody says I'm sorry to you after you've miscarried, it validates your loss. It says the person understands how real your baby was, how much you loved your baby, and how real your pain and grief is.


I miscarried 20 some odd years ago. Hearing the words I'm sorry from my nine-year-old student still meant something to me.

Let us listen- and learn. Even if it's from a nine year old.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I have just experienced my first miscarriage.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/10/15



The following post was recently sent to me and it touched my heart. I want to share it with you as I feel many of you can relate to what this woman has experienced. I also included my response.

K says:

i came across your FB support page and I am trying to surround myself with others who know my pain. On June 8th 2015 I month ago today my husband and I went to our regular monthly check up. I was 16 weeks ago and just days before we found out and announced to our kids family and friends that we were blessed with a baby girl. We named her Brooklyn and we so excited to continue enjoying what we thought was going to be a perfect pregnancy. At the appointment our doctor tried to find her heart beat but was having trouble she made sure to say don't worry this does happen do to her moving a lot so she said I'm going to send you right now for a sono so I can reassure your baby girl is great. We had just got the results from the first trimester testing and everything was good no risks or anything. I was diagnosed with complete placenta previa so I was on strict pelvic rest since 9 weeks. We went to our sono right away and that is where our heart was broke. My baby girl was gone. She had passes 4 days before and I never in my life could have prepared myself for this. I lost it I couldn't control my cry I was sick. I didn't know what to do I just wanted to as God why my baby girl. I just felt her moving we just found out her sex. I just couldn't wrap my head around this. My husband was being so strong for me and tried to console me but I just couldn't calm myself down. I did my best to gather myself before leaving the sonogram doctors so I could do right back to my ob. That was he longest 5 mins car ride of my life. I didn't even want to enter my doctors because I couldn't face another expecting mother in their office when my baby girl was just taken from me. My doctor immediately came in to our room and hugged me and tried her best to make me feel better I just still couldn't believe the news I couldn't even comprehend what she was trying to tell me she was trying to tell me it's not my fault God called Brooklyn Home for a reason. I just didn't want to hear that. And of course I had to ask the worst question I've ever had to ask "what do I have to do now" as she told me I needed to have surgery ASAP to take my baby out I told her I want to send her for autopsy so I know exactly what was wrong please test everything my placenta everything. She then said she would put me to sleep and preform a D&E. I begged to please get me in a OR today because I can't handle having to go home with my belly already showing and knowing my baby had passed away. She couldn't get me in for surgery till June 10th. I kept saying OMG how am I going to live for 2 days with my baby still inside me. I was a complete mess for days . I just couldn't even talk. The morning of my surgery was the hardest I wanted to be put to sleep so fast so I could finally get rest I just wanted to get thru this as soon as possible. From June 10th and the whole week following I can't even remember a thing it was like I was numb and blocked out life. My husband was so strong for me I am just so thankful he was my rock and strength. My husband wouldn't talk to me about our situation he would just listen to what i was saying. After about 2 weeks of no reaction or response from my husband my hurt turned into anger towards him. I would cry and say to him things I'd never in my life would say. Calling him heartless telling him he doesn't care. Questioning if he ever wanted a baby. I am shamed I spoke so down upon him. The night before my 2 week post op I had a panic attack because I didn't want to go back to relive June 8th again. To hear or even talk about my miscarriage. My husband worked late that night and I kept frantically texting him begging for him to come home because I'm freaking out about the follow up. When he got home he was upset with me because I kept calling screaming how much I need him right now. It turned into a heated argument for hours almost to the point he wanted to leave because I just kept telling him he doesn't care and so on. After hours of yelling and me crying my poor poor husband fell to his knees and tears poured out of his eyes. My heart stopped my poor husband I kept saying I held him in my arms and told him how sorry I was and I can't believe I said such heartless words to him. I over looked his pain he was just trying to stay strong for me and our family and he kept that brave face on for us but inside he was falling apart. He told me that his hurt is just as deep as mine but he say my pain and wanted to take it away but couldn't. He told me that his heart was so broken seeing me have to deal with all of this physically on top of mentally and it was out of his control it broke him down. From that moment on I felt like a new person. I felt like the bond I have with my wonderful husband was just went to another level it went to a unbreakable bond our love and relationship with each other is so much stronger and closer right now it's amazing. I saw that day just how much this man loved me. We went to our appointment and we faced this together. That day I talked to my doctor for almost a hour. She told us that there was nothing that the results showed was gentic as tony we lost Brooklyn she said nothing abnormal came back from her autopsy she said that this was just gods work and that he has some kind of plan and reason for all of this. That day I felt a lot more at peace. I still cry daily and wish it didn't have to be like this. But now I'm trying to reach out to others who know my pain so I know I'm not alone. I want to share my grief and hear others so we all can support one another. Im sorry for making this email so long but I want to say thank you for creating a place where parents and families like us can express themselves and hear one another. Thank you thank you Thank you with all my heart


My response:


Dear K,

I am so sorry for your loss. As I read your message my eyes began to water. I know the pain you went through. I was about 16 weeks along when I found out my baby had passed away, and I had to wait to have my D&C done.

But, that wasn't the reason for my tears. I cried because of the raw emotion and pain I felt through your words. I cried because I know how much you needed your husband and he needed you but you just weren't connecting. I cried because finally the two of you did connect and through such pain you found strength within each other and carried each other through this terrible time- this terrible loss.

You are not alone in your grief. At times it feels that way and by reaching out as you have here you are letting others know they are not alone. We do need to support each other. There are women and men who read these stories. Through reading your words, others who may be afraid to speak or write or post come to know they are not alone in their pain. They gain an understanding that their loss is very real even when it seems the world does not validate their loss- their baby. You are right in that we need places like this one, and so many others, where you can express yourself. Life after miscarriage sends you into a tailspin and it's often a very scary place to be.

I will keep you, your husband and baby Brooklyn in my thoughts and prayers. Every day is a step towards your healing. Sometimes you may feel like you're taking two or three steps backwards, but you're not. It's all part of what we go through and we all experience grief in our own way and in our own time. The thing is, we get through it much easier if we know there are others thinking of us, praying for us, and understanding where we are at mentally, physically and emotionally.

Thank you for sharing your heart. Thank you for offering your story for others to read who may have experienced something very similar and don't know what to do with their feelings.

I am so sorry for your loss. Please extend that to your husband, too.

Love and light, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I Never Held You-Miscarriage, Grief, Healing, Recovery

by Ellen DuBois on 07/06/15


I Never Held You speaks to the heart of women, their families and friends who have either lived through the pain & grief after miscarriage, or who want to better support someone who has. Author Ellen M. DuBois shares her own painful journey after miscarriage taking you from her darkest moments of grief, despair, isolation, anxiety, fear and depression to the steps she took towards healing and recovery. Her suggestions prove to be helpful in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after suffering such a heartbreaking loss. I Never Held You validates your grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, and assures you that you're not alone in your struggle. With the help of contributing author Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief- and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for help and support after miscarriage, or want to help someone how has miscarried, this is the book for you.

Miscarriage: You're not a failure and it's not your fault.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/30/15



If you feel like a failure because you've miscarried, please try to believe you are not. It wasn't your fault.- Ellen M. DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



The Miscarriage Help Daily

by Ellen DuBois on 06/30/15

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Miscarriage: We're all in this together.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/26/15



Hello Everyone,

Over the years, (since 2006 when this site launched), I've realized how much we rely on each other. The Internet has given us a way to reach out to those who have lived through the same pain- the same agonizing loss of miscarriage. I have seen people reach out to each other, even while they're in the midst of their own grief.

I've come to learn: We're all in this together. As one cries, another dries her tears. We feel sorrow and gain strength.

I believe God leads us to the right people at the right time for comfort, support, understanding, acceptance, validation and love.

I am so sorry for your loss(es). When you're feeling most alone, please hold tight to the fact that you're not. Reach out. Reach up. Reach within- even reach to your computer. I believe God cares. The angels care. So many care, including me.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



You're Not Nuts! 10 Things You May Be Feeling After Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 06/24/15



You're not "Nuts"- 10 things you may be feeling after miscarriage.

Although it's been over twenty years since my miscarriage, I remember exactly how I felt from the moment I found out my baby was no longer alive.

One of the scariest feelings was thinking I was going nuts. I really did think I was losing it.

So, I'm sharing how I felt after my miscarriage in the hopes that you'll relate on some level and not feel so alone.

Believe me, you are not and I am so sorry for your loss.

1. Feeling detached after I found out my baby had died. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else's life. As the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable", his words echoed through my head, but my mind was someplace else. Looking back, I believe it was my body's way of preserving itself. I was in shock and feeling detached kept me from becoming a mass of tears. At least while I was there, in the ultra sound room.

2. The sense of detachment followed me on the drive home. I was quiet, although I felt like I was screaming on the inside. I was quiet, but I wanted to yell at someone, something- it didn't matter. But, I didn't. I just sat there, looking out the window knowing my life had changed forever- and not in the way I wanted.

3. Feeling alone in a room full of people. After my miscarriage, I felt very separate from everyone and everything around me. I went through the motions, but felt like an empty shell.

4. I missed my baby more than anything, even though I never held him. I missed everything about my baby. I missed not having him inside of my womb, thriving. I missed the anticipation of his arrival. I ached to have him back, to be pregnant with him again, to turn back the hands of time. I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to. I missed thinking about what he'd be like, what my life with him would be like, what it would be like to celebrate all of his firsts. There was an ache inside me that was so strong and I couldn't stop it.

5. I was sad all the time and I cried a lot. I mean A LOT. One minute I'd be okay, at least getting by, and the next I'd be sobbing so hard it hurt, literally. I wanted someone to wake me up from the nightmare, but I was already awake.

6. I was jealous of women who were pregnant and couldn't stand myself for feeling that way. What kind of person was I? I came to realize it wasn't them, per say, it was what a pregnant woman represented to me: the baby I'd lost. It took me a long time to get past those feelings.

7. Struggling every time I had to buy a baby gift. Sure, it was a happy occasion for someone. I wanted them to be happy. But, buying baby gifts seemed impossible. Somehow, I did it. But, there was always the feeling that I wished I were buying the baby clothes, toys, etc. for my baby. The baby I loved, missed and never held.

8. Am I nuts? As time went on and I continued to cry at unexpected moments, I wondered if I was losing my grip. I cried a lot in my car because I was alone and nobody could say anything to me. Was I normal? Was I stuck in a place I couldn't find my way out of? Would the world always seem such gray place? Would the ache ever go away? Was I nuts?

9. There are many relationships that survive miscarriage. Mine was not one of them. I felt the distance growing between my ex and I. I wanted to bridge the gap, but didn't know how. I felt like I shouldn't always be the one reaching out to talk, only to have my feelings dismissed. It was sad and it hurt, but that's the way it was for me. Like I said, there are many relationships that survive miscarriage. It's clear to me now there were problems between us long before I miscarried.

10. Blaming myself for my miscarriage. God, it was terrible. I know it wasn't my fault...now. But, after my miscarriage, when nobody could tell me why it happened, I felt like a complete failure. After all. women had babies all the time and there I was, unable to. What did I do? I searched for the answers and came up empty handed. Yet, I still felt like a failure for some time.

If you've felt any of these things, please know you are not alone. I've walked the road and although our feelings may differ to varying degrees, we've all felt them. I know it doesn't really change things, but I hope you feel less alone on your journey to healing.

God Bless,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help: Fathers on Father's Day

by Ellen DuBois on 06/21/15



Fathers- if you've lost a child to miscarriage, stillbirth or in any other way, you are remembered and thought of on this Father's Day.- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery . If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery



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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.





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