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Miscarriage: "A Letter To Our Unborn Child"

by Ellen DuBois on 02/28/15

Hello Everyone,

This is a repost. I thought it was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you again. There are many who may not have seen it and it is very moving:




Hello Everyone,

A women named Bianca recently suffered a miscarriage. I am so sorry for her loss and for yours.

She wrote a beautiful poem and gave me permission to share it with you. In her words, "Even if my poem helps 1 person i'll be glad then I know that I have helped another mother that is going thru what I went thru, something some women never experience."

So, thank you, Bianca. For sharing your heart and allowing me to share it here with others.

A Letter To Our Unborn Child:

So quickly you came into our lives, So quickly torn away. Never got the chance to meet you, There's so much we wanted to say. Where there once was joy and happiness, Is now sadness and pain. All these thoughts running through our heads, It's enough to drive us insane. Though you lived only ten short weeks, You were loved so very much. We wish that we could hold you, we long to feel your touch. On that night of May 8th, our world was ripped from under our feet. We pray that in another life, We get the chance to meet you. We never had the chance, To hear you talk or hold your hand, Our time ran out Before you could walk..You were born with wings. We never thought the Lord would take you away from us so soon..A sign we knew, That the Man upstairs Would soon come for you. We never had a chance To see your eyes, He took you away With no time for good byes, We think of you often And wonder why, We never had a chance To hear your first cry. All we have is dreams of you, those of which, will never come true. Our heart sank the day that we knew, we would never get to meet you. We had made plans, and had aspirations. But, we'll never forget that dismal day, around in the afternoon. The day we knew something was not right, and through many tears we would have to fight. Now, all we can do is dream every night, about what life would have been like. What if you really had been born? But all we have is dreams of that, and all we can do is mourn. We will not mourn for you though, because we know you're where you need to be, even though it isn't here with us. You were a special little angel An enchanting rose, we never had the chance To watch you grow, Or hear your laugh. I never had the chance To give you a mother's love, But we know you're always there Watching over us from above. You are our angel baby because God wanted you with Him. Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing..None of our dreams for you will ever come true, because of that day God chose to take you. But, our angel baby you will always be, in our heart forever, forever a part of us always Rest in peace our baby angel. We will meet you up in heaven when our time comes to be with you and our family .. We miss you so much and always remember mommy & daddy love you!- Written by Bianca Ludick

Thank you again, Bianca. To all who have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

 

Miscarriage: When You Ask Yourself- What's the Point?

by Ellen DuBois on 02/22/15



Those of us who have miscarried know the roller coaster of emotions you experience. It's often overwhelming and you may question just about everything. I know I did.

This is an email I received from "W". I could relate to what she said on many levels. Perhaps you can, too.

For all those who have lived through the heartache of miscarriage(s), I am deeply sorry for your loss.

W says:

I lost my baby in December after trying for a long time to conceive. I have endometriosis which also contributes to struggling to conceive. I was refused nhs ivf because of my age. I cant get over losing my baby. If I'm busy I feel like I'm coping and as soon as I stop I break down. I'm struggling to talk to my husband and parents because it upsets them when I'm upset. I don't want to go on without my baby. I see no future for me and think what's the point.

My response:

Dear W,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how painful your journey has been. I have miscarried, too, and know that pain. But, you also have experienced some other things I haven't.

However, I do know what it's like to lose your baby to miscarriage and I can say that I know what it's like to not have a child. I'm not saying that's the case with you. I'm not suggesting you lose hope. I'd never, ever do that. What I am saying is because of this, I know your fear. I get where you're coming from and know that dreaded feeling of "what's the point?"

First: For a long time, and I'm talking years, I think I equated my value and purpose with whether or not I had a child. Without one, I felt incomplete. I think you're feeling like this, or close to it.

The second thing is you're grieving. You've just lost your baby and that's huge. You've got a way to go to get through this and there's no easy way to do it. However, talking does help. If you feel you simply can't talk to your parents or your husband, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone. Only you'll know if it feels right to you. Do I advocate it? Yes. I think talking to a grief counselor or somebody who listens and can help you though the muddy waters of grief is helpful. You're holding so much inside and I know what that does. Your grieving the loss of your child and are questioning whether you'll ever be a mother. That's a lot and I say that because I've carried that load.

You seem to operate off a lot of nervous energy, like me. I'm the type who goes and goes, busying myself to the point of distraction. When I stop, WHAM. The emotions I've been trying to hide from by keeping busy come flooding to the surface and I want to break...or, I do.

I think it's okay, in part, to be that way. I'm not a doctor so it's really my opinion. We all do different things to cope. However, if you're not feeling what you need to in order to heal, and it's all about keeping busy, then it's not good. Again, in my humble opinion.

You know, you do have a future and right now there's so much clouding your view that I wouldn't try to rule things in or out until you're in a better place- emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have every right to grieve, to feel overwhelmed and scared. I've walked that road and want you to know there are things about your life that you just don't know yet. Wonderful things you can't even see right now. How could you when you're so sad?

W, you matter and so does your loss. Your life matters and there is a point to it. I'm not saying I have all the answers. I am saying you are of value and right now you need somebody to help you through a very difficult time. I hope you find the help you need and are able to at least talk about how you're feeling, what your fears are and anything else you need to get off your chest. It'll make room for you healing to come into your heart and life, and I know you need that very much.

I'm here, too, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Support,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: "It rocked my world and I hurt."

by Ellen DuBois on 02/15/15



Please don't feel like you can't ask me how I'm doing because I miscarried. It's like not asking a person who recently lost a son, daughter or parent, how they're doing. When you don't ask how I'm doing, it feels like my loss is insignificant to you, and it's anything but.

It rocked my world and I hurt.
- Ellen M. DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Our Hearts Will Always Be Connected.

by Ellen DuBois on 02/14/15



To My Baby In Heaven,

Our Hearts Will Always Be Connected.

XO

(On Valentine's Day, and every other day.)


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

What I Needed to Hear After I Miscarried

by Ellen DuBois on 02/09/15



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-three years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal. You deserve it. Your loss matters and so do you.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



 

Living a New Normal After Loss

by Ellen DuBois on 02/04/15



Twenty three years ago I miscarried. I felt lost, confused, sad, overwhelmed, depressed, angry, jealous and many times thought I was losing my mind. I couldn't go anywhere or do anything without constantly forcing myself to appear "normal".

I missed my baby. I carried around an ache so heavy it consumed me. I longed for what couldn't be and none of it made sense to me.

I avoided people and only interacted when I had to.

Anything could set me into a tailspin where the tears fell and I couldn't get a grip. I could not wrap my brain around losing my baby and wondered if there was anything I did to cause my miscarriage.

I asked God why- all the time. Why me?  Why wasn't I cut out to be a mother? Why to a thousand different things.

As I reflect back  on those dark, lonely and isolating times the feelings come back as if it happened yesterday. That's been the case since I miscarried, but over time the acute feeling of loss diminished. I never stopped loving or missing my baby, but I learned to live after my miscarriage with it being a part of my life. A part of me. Because I did change after it happened.

At first, the change was horrible. I hated how I felt and couldn't imagine a day when I'd feel more like myself. I couldn't fathom wanting to do anything, especially with someone who was pregnant or had children. No. It was too much of a reminder. I couldn't take it.

Over time, I learned to live a life that wasn't what it was before my miscarriage. A new normal replaced the old one and that's the life I've been living ever since.

Every loss changes us in some way. We go through such dark times and all over again we wonder, we cry out- God help me! Will I ever get through this? Will I ever feel like myself again? Help!

I know. I've lived through the pain of miscarriage, of losing my baby, and had to get through it and it was rough for a while. I did, however, come out on the other side of my grief and in fact, went on. I never "got over it". I never forgot the baby I loved and never got to hold. No, I didn't.

There have been other losses in my life since and with each one I've had to get through the muck of grief, relying on God, the angels, family and friends to shine the flashlight for me when I just couldn't see through  the darkness. Over time, as with my miscarriage, I came out of it okay. Scarred, but okay and my strength eventually returned. I began to see the beauty in life, in people, in all of God's creations.

Here I am today, wading through the very deep waters of grief after my mother's passing on January 3 of this year. The feelings I have of despair are not much different than the ones I experienced after my miscarriage. I cling to my faith in same way and I know, more than I did twenty three years ago, that it'll be okay. I'll be okay. It's going to take time and there will be days when I wonder, as I did all those years ago, how I'll get through the day or when I'll feel like the heavy, wet blanket around my shoulders is gone.

Life has taught me that when we come out of our toughest battles, the ones we thought we'd never survive, we gain a strength despite our battle wounds that carries us through the next chapter. We adapt to viewing the world and ourselves through the eyes of someone with a "new normal".

I'm going to be okay- and I want you to believe you will, too.

Sending you love, light and prayers,

Ellen

 




Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!


Grieving and Living

by Ellen DuBois on 02/01/15



It's been almost a month since my mother passed away. I've come to realize even more that there are small, beautiful moments in life that cause me to smile. I've also come to accept that it's okay to smile while you're grieving- even necessary.

As Dr. Wayne Dyer said on one of the many audio books I have of his, "You can grieve and live at at the same time."

"And then it happens. Even amidst a sea of grief, something transpires that's so special, so pure, it brings with it a joy that makes me smile. I thank God for those moments."- Ellen M. DuBois


Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!


9 Things Never to Say to a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage-Woman's Day

by Ellen DuBois on 01/31/15

"Knowing someone has recently suffered a setback in her life can sometimes leave us at a loss for words. You may think addressing painful topics does more harm than good. But Ellen DuBois, miscarriage survivor and author of I Never Held You, (Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery), suggests simply asking 'Do you want to talk about it?'  If your friend feels that it's not the right time for her to discuss the issue, then 'I'm sorry for your loss' will let her know you still care."


I was honored when asked to be a part of this article on miscarriage written by Naomi Williamson for Woman'sDay. Because October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt compelled to share it with you again.

Knowing what to say- and what not to say-  to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage can make all the difference in the world.  In her world.

My heart goes out to you all. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Here's the link to the article:

http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/miscarriage-support


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



 

Reaching Out To Those On Grief's Road

by Ellen DuBois on 01/26/15



Grief is not an easy road. For as much as we believe our loved ones live a new life on the other side and are whole, happy & restored, those of us who are left in the aftermath of losing a loved one suffer. The grief we carry often feels as heavy as a wet blanket across our shoulders. We feel the loss- it's palpable. No matter how deep and strong our faith is, we are human and are left to live out the rest of our earthly lives with a very real vacancy. It's part of being human- perhaps the part that hurts most. I believe God wants us to reach out to each other, offering any kind of support we can- a hug, a note, a visit, a call, a card, a thought, a prayer, a meal. Anything that says I care about you, your loss and your grief. I think that's God's way of working through people. I thank God for those who have been supportive during my time of grief. I will always do my best to be there for others during their time of grief. Reaching out to those on grief's road doesn't have to involve anything elaborate. You only need to reach out with love in your heart and the willingness to give it. - Ellen M. DuBois



Ellen DuBois: I'm the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com. I've also been published with Blue Mountain Arts, and am a contributing author to several books including: Soul Matters for Teens, Sisters, (Blue Mountain Arts gift book), Conquering Panic and Anxiety Disorders- Success Stories, Strategies and other Good News, Romancing the Soul, More God Allows U-Turns. Additionally, I'm also known as "Miss Ellen"- a piano teacher to students from 5 to tween and beyond-
I love it!


The Only Thing I Can Say About My Grief Right Now

by Ellen DuBois on 01/23/15

My mother passed away on January 3rd of this year. As I sift through the aftermath and try to ride the painful waves of grief, this is about all I can articulate:


"The only thing that's predictable about grief is that it's unpredictable. Try to take comfort in the fact that you're not alone on your journey. Not by a long shot."- Ellen M. DuBois



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).



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