MiscarriageHelp.com
HomeSympathy/Comfort GiftsPosts 2006-08Posts 2009-10Online CounselingContact About EllenSupport Quotes

MiscarriageHelp.com

While Watching Heaven Is For Real...

by Ellen DuBois on 11/22/14




"I can still feel you near me and I know, without a doubt, you live on in Heaven. It is for real..."

Last night I watched Heaven Is For Real. I read the book and was excited to find it on cable last night.

There were several parts of the movie that spoke to me- reached straight into my heart. In particular, there was a scene where the small boy who saw Heaven during surgery told his mother he had a sister. He did. But, there was another baby the mother lost to miscarriage. The four-year-old boy was never told about it. But, in Heaven, he met her. They hugged. He described what she looked like and as tears ran down the mother's face, they also ran down mine.

I felt my baby's spirit near me. It was not my imagination- it was real. Just as it was real to the boy in the movie. Just like it was real to the mother of the baby who cried tears of joy, shock, grief- you name it- upon hearing what her little boy said.

It's been so long since I lost my son to miscarriage. This Thanksgiving it will be twenty-three years.  I remember when I found out I was pregnant the doctor said it would be a "Thanksgiving baby". 

I've always wondered what it would be like to hold my baby- to hug him. This year, I will take comfort in knowing my baby has been loved, held and hugged by God, the angels, by Jesus and by family members who live on in Heaven with him.

Heaven is for real to me, too.

Love and Light to you, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
Ellen

Grief & Joy are Real. An Exhausting Ride.

by Ellen DuBois on 11/20/14

"Grief is real and so is joy. When the two are felt together, it's one heck of an exhausting ride."- Ellen M. DuBois





Many of you may find yourselves trying extra hard to prepare for the holidays. If you've had a miscarriage, you're probabably swimming in a pool of emotions. Some days are better than others. Some days feel like they'll never end. Sometimes, you catch yourself doing something that's supposed to make you feel happy, (like decorating a Christmas tree, etc.), and it's taking everything you've got to keep from bursting into tears.

I relate. There were so many Thanksgivings and Christmases when my strength felt sapped because I used it up trying to hold myself together.

Over the years, I've learned a thing or two about getting through- even enjoying- the holidays while grieving. That's not to say every moment will be joyful. I wish it could be, but that's not real, (at least it wasn't for me). Grief is real and so is joy. When the two are felt together, it's one heck of an exhausting ride.

If you can manage the time, you may have to step back, step out, and to just "be". The alone time, the quiet moments, can refresh the soul. Take some deep breaths. Let the air touch your face and feel it. Just being outdoors, away from it all is calming.

If you find yourself smiling over something...anything, please allow yourself to do so. Some women feel guilty for feeling any kind of "happy feeling" after miscarrying. They wonder how they could smile when they ache so much. Please, try not to feel guilty. When something sparks joy within your heart, I believe it's God's way of balancing out your pain with the opposite- joy. Try to let it in.

Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you're feeling. If you're looking at your Christmas tree and missing your baby, let the tears fall. Letting them out is far better than keeping them pent up inside. If you're in a room full of people, step out if you can, or promise yourself you'll give yourself permission to let it out, write it out, cry it out, walk it out, (whatever's right for you), later on. On the flip side, if you feel an unexpected smile, allow yourself to smile. I think the bottom line is this: Your feelings are telling you something and they want you to listen and set them free by letting them out.

The world does not need to understand you. I know you wish they could, but those of us who have suffered any kind of loss and are struggling over the holidays know  what it's like to be in a room full of people and still feel alone.

You are not.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: Give Yourself the Time You Need During the Holidays.

by Ellen DuBois on 11/15/14



Hello Everyone,

This time of year brings with it many joys. It also can wear you down with all the running around, travel, planning, preparing and more. For those who have experienced a loss, (of any kind), you often feel more overwhelmed. On top of the seemingly endless "to do" list(s), you're grieving the loss of your child. You've suffered a miscarriage and it's pretty difficult to keep up with everything, including yourself.

I learned how important it was to take care of myself after my miscarriage some twenty years ago, but I learned too late. By the Fourth of July, I was in bed with a pneumonia because I didn't take the time to just "be".  I didn't get the rest I needed. I was on constant overdrive, to the point of distraction. If I kept going, I'd be okay because I wouldn't have to think, feel, cry.

You know what? I still cried. I still felt. I still grieved the child I lost. In not taking some precious time to still myself and rest, I landed in another place I didn't want to be. All the emotions I tried to busy myself from were still there. I tried so hard to go on like life was 'normal', but it wasn't. So, I wore myself out to the point where I had to rest.

To all of you who have suffered a miscarriage, or any kind of loss, please give yourself some 'mini breaks'. I know there's a lot to do. I'm aware you may have travel plans, or perhaps need to get ready for guests.

However, there is nothing more important than your health. You are entitled, and need to give yourself the time you need to breathe...and just "be".

I am so sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



My Personalized Memorial Christmas Ornament- Remembering Baby

by Ellen DuBois on 11/11/14

I posted this last November, but wanted to share it again as we get closer to the Christmas season.- Ellen




When the box came, I knew what it was. As I brought the package upstairs to my office, I was filled with anticipation. I also asked myself why, after all these years, did this mean so much to me?

Because I'm human. I remember being pregnant, falling in love with my baby and the heartache of losing him to miscarriage. I remember all of the tears, the aches, the longing as if it were yesterday.

Yes, the wounds have healed, but I have never forgotten my little one and each year around this time, thoughts of him are stronger- more present.

This Christmas ornament, made just for my baby in Heaven, means the world to me. I'm so glad I ordered it.

There's a special place in my heart and a special place on the tree, baby of mine.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



This is where I purchased my Personalized Memorial Christmas ornament, (I am an affiliate, so I do get a commission if you click on this link and purchase. I feel it's right to let you know this): 5% Off all orders with code ORNAMENT5 for a limited time at OrnamentShop.com! Plus, free shipping on orders of 5 or more ornaments site-wide.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Remembering Hope

by Ellen DuBois on 11/09/14



It was an honor to make this for a woman who lost her precious baby named Hope. She chose the colors. Peridot is for August, which would have been her birthday. Her ashes are scattered in the Ozark Mountains where all the beautiful purple amethyst is. This will mean a lot to her son, too, who believes his sister is an angel watching over him. God bless her. XO

 

For those of you who don't know, I also make Hope Angel Bracelets. They mean so many things to the people who wear them. They are made to inspire, uplift, sparkle and to remember. I love making them and in many ways, they are another way of reaching out to people.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I've had a miscarriage...Does anybody hear me?

by Ellen DuBois on 11/06/14


Hello. I'm Ellen M. DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com, the companion support site to my book. Having experienced a miscarriage myself, I know first-hand the pain, isolation and often dismissive attitudes which accompany miscarriage. I am here to do my part in bringing miscarriage support and awareness to light.

I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some twenty-plus years ago). Every time I searched through a maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one. Especially not to miscarriage. There were some books on losing a child already born to this earth. But, what about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?

Hence, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery was born. It was born out of a need deep within myself to reach out to others. I didn't want any woman to feel as alone and unsure of herself after miscarriage as I did. In the process of writing my book, I helped myself. By sharing my story, I literally began to heal more and more- even eleven years after my miscarriage. You'd think the healing would have been over. It wasn't. It's a process and everyone is different.

Healing certainly doesn't mean forgetting the baby boy I miscarried. Alex will forever remain in my heart- a part of my soul. We are connected forever.

I believe we all have a path in this life, and miscarriage was part of mine. Had I not lived through the pain, I'd have nothing to offer in terms of empathy. Would I want to live through it again? No way. However, when looking at my life, I clearly see how adversity and pain were transmuted into strength and support. I am grateful. I am grateful and thank God for the opportunity to use the world-wide platform called the Internet to feed my passion for reaching out to women and their families who have lost babies to miscarriage. I am grateful for providing a place of comfort, bonding and support through my website. I am grateful to have had my book published by a publisher who not only believed in me, but in my message of hope, healing and a quality life after miscarriage. A changed life, scars and all, but life with joy just the same. Joy is something you feel has been stomped out like the embers of a fire after miscarriage. You wonder if it'll ever return. I know I wondered...and waited...and cried.

Those tears left room for healing and joy to fill my life again. I will always have a special place reserved in my heart for my son, Alex. Without him and his brief but powerful stay with me, I wouldn't be here right now talking to you about my path towards healing and recovery after miscarriage. He gave me this gift, and I will not ignore his voice from Heaven as he speaks to my soul, "I love you. Please take what you've learned and use it to help others." I say back to my precious son, "I love you, too. Until we meet again on the other side, where I will finally get to hold you."

Love and Light to you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage = Broken Heart

by Ellen DuBois on 11/02/14



I received this email from "Broken Heart" and my heart goes out to her. She says:

Yesterday I found out that my babys heartbeat was no longer beating. I was 8 weeks and 1 day. My doctor gave me the option of having a DNC, or I could make the process go faster and take the medication and pass it at home. I am broken hearted and feeling like there is no end to this pain. I sit here emotionally distraught, and I am blaming myself. I cant stop crying. I read that at 8 weeks, my baby was growing its limbs, and had a brain...it was a real baby. Now its gone and I feel so empty. I have two little boys 12 and 9 and most people would be like..be happy you have two kids, some have none or have problems having them. This doesnt make it easier. My husband now, is not the father of my two boys, so this would have been our first child together. His mom has been supportive and my husband also. I could not ask for a better husband. He is wonderful to me and I know this is hard for him also. I dont know if you are still at this email address, but if you are and email me back, I can tell you more of what happened. I am just emotionally withdrawn now and my heart is torn in pieces. I cannot smile, and dont know how to get through this. I do not have any "girlfriends" really, so I rely on writing to make me feel better usually, but this isnt helping. Just want someone to listen and help me get through this. So if you are out there and still accepting messages, I would love to have an ear lent to me. Thank you in advance.



My response,

I am so sorry for your loss, and yes, you can always reach me at this email address.

The grief you feel is as real as the baby you loved. I know how difficult it is. You've suffered a tremendous loss.

I think what makes miscarriage especially hard is the "incompleteness" of it all. You were waiting for your little ones arrival- making plans and feeling the excitement. You fell in love with your baby. In an instant, the rug was ripped from under your feet. That is a feeling I know I'll never forget. My heart goes out to you.

I opted for the D&C because I knew I couldn't handle miscarrying at home. It's a choice each of of us sadly has to make. Neither one is easy. Not by a long shot. It feels like choosing one trauma over another, (at least it was like that for me).

You love your two children so much. I know that. You're grateful for them. I know that, too. Each child is unique and you had more love to give to the baby you were waiting for. Please don't expect yourself to grieve any less because you already have children. They are very separate things. It would be like saying to a mother who lost a child already born she should grieve less because she still has a child or children. You just wouldn't do it. It would be impossible.

Having a supportive mother-in-law and husband is so important. I am glad you have these wonderful, understanding people in your life.

However, I know of those times when you feel very alone. I know the tears you cry and the blame you're placing on yourself. Please know your miscarriage was not your fault. I've been down the road of 'self blame' and it only served to hurt me more. You couldn't have stopped this and I know you wish you could have. I think when you're left with no answers, you try to find them. I did. When nothing came up except, "This is common and we don't know why"- you often try to find blame within yourself. I know I'm repeating myself, but please try to let go of the notion that your miscarriage was somehow related to something you did/didn't do. It was not your fault.

Writing helped me get through some of the darkest times, but I needed someone to listen. Even if they had nothing to say, listening was so important because it validated my grief and gave me an outlet to release some of the pain. Holding it in rips you up more. I am here if you ever want to write me. I may not be able to get back immediately, (my mother has been in the hospital for over a month and now my dog is very ill), but I am here for you. I will write back. I want you to know I care very much about you and what you're going through. I didn't have the Internet when I miscarried.l I know how isolating it can be when you don't have anyone who has lived it and will simply listen. That's why I started this site.

I'll be thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers. Please let me know how you're doing.

Love and Light to you and big HUGS,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



A Letter To The Woman Who Has Miscarried

by Ellen DuBois on 10/24/14



Hello Everyone,

I feel kind of guilty because there are so many of you missing your babies and it's October- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've not been as available as I'd like. My mother has been in the hospital, (now rehab), since September 26th. My days have been spent with her, working, and keeping up with this site as best I can. Some days it seems like I need one more "me" to get it all done.

But...that doesn't mean you all haven't been in my thoughts and prayers. It doesn't mean I didn't hold you in my heart on the fifteeth of October when I lit my candle and was profoundly touched by our "Wave of Light". Oh, you have all been on my mind and your losses have not been forgotten. Your babies have not been forgotten.

I remember writing a letter to my baby and sharing it on this site. I was just thinking of what I'd say in a letter to you- a woman who has walked the long, often rocky road after miscarriage:

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved your baby- how much you still do. I know of the plans, dreams and wishes you had for your child and how all of it changed in an instant. I feel how blindsided you are by your loss. I was there. I walked in your shoes.

I can't tell you when you'll heal or feel like the person you were before your loss. I wish I could. I remember the days blending into weeks and months. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and wonder where "you" went or if you'll ever feel happy again. God, do I know.

When your wounds are still raw, it's so hard to see beyond them. I ask you to give yourself time to grieve, to heal, to feel. You have every right to. Your loss is real and I know what it's like when it's dismissed. It hurts.

In time, (it's different for everyone), you'll begin to feel more like yourself. You won't forget, (ever), what you've been through or how you've changed. But, you will come out of this on the other side. Some days will be better than others. Please don't view the 'bad days' as steps backwards. They are not. You are perfectly normal in feeling "abnormal". The only thing predictable about grief is that it's unpredictable.

I hope those around you understand, to the best of their ability, that you're in pain and need time to get it together. Healing is not something you can force or speed up. However, it can be hindered if you try to bury your feelings or deny them. Please don't do that to yourself. If others are pressuring you to "move on", please try to treat yourself as you would a best friend and accept your best as being good enough. It is.

I waited a long time before I did anything to validate my loss, like have a memorial for my baby. I can't explain how deeply I was moved and how much closure I finally got when I did have a memorial to honor my baby's brief, but life changing stay with me. All I did was write him a letter, read it out loud and release a balloon into the air. What it did for my heart and soul is beyond description. I can't find the right words. I can only tell you it helped me let go of some very deep pain I'd been holding on to for a very, very long time.

No, I have not forgotten the baby I loved and never held and I don't expect you to, either. But, I want you to know you're going to be okay. You're going to have days where you smile more than cry and then you'll find the tears finally slow down. Life will feel more balanced. In time.

Even if years have gone by, you will probably find yourself feeling very connected to your baby. If you do, I want you to know that I feel the same way. Even to this day, my son touches my life in some way every day. I grew into this connection and have been comforted by it for some time.

I remember you and your babies during the month of October and all year long. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and thank God for the Internet because it gives us a way to connect, to share, to express in ways we didn't have before.

Take care of yourself, my friend, Know you are thought of and cared about more than you may know.

Love and Light

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Wave of Light, October 15th, Remembering Our Babies

by Ellen DuBois on 10/15/14


Wave of Light- Remembering Our Babies. October 15th.

I lit a candle said a prayer, for all of us- everywhere. I made sure to remember you. I know the pain you have been through.

Love to you all,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15th

by Ellen DuBois on 10/15/14



 

"I light my candle for you and for me as we join hearts, thoughts, tears and prayers. We remember the babies we love and miss. Our children are together in Heaven. We find comfort in each other on earth."- Ellen M. DuBois


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





MiscarriageHelp.com
Image by Cool Text: Logo and Button Generator - Create Your Own Logo

"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).


Claire Chew, Grief Recovery Specialist/Spiritual Counselor

310.314.9837 www.clairechew.com

My Forever Child, Keepsakes & Jewelry for Remembrance, Healing & Hope.



Miscarriage and Infant Loss Memorial Jewelry at LaBelleDame
Garden Memorial Rocks & Recognition Trees at The Comfort Company are handcrafted from construction-grade cast stone and personalized to honor your loved one. Free Shipping & Lifetime Guarantee included with each order.

Employment Opportunities in Counseling:
MastersInCounseling.org have recently launched a job board for those in the counseling career field. It can be viewed here. Our organization is fully dedicated to crafting a comprehensive online resource for counselors. This includes both educational resources and career opportunities for those in the field ,and for those looking to break in. We understand the unique issues and needs of those in the mental health profession that is why we a so passionate about our work here.



Custom Search



Search Engine Optimization and SEO Tools



Powered by WebRing.




Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.









Baby Remembrance Bracelets.













I Never Held You also available at Barnes and Noble.



email me
email me