"When you look at the world through the eyes of grief, everything is skewed."- Ellen M. DuBois
"Hello. I have a dear friend, who has had 2 miscarriages in 6 months. She is 38 and has no children of her own. She had a deformation in her uterus; which was fixed after 1st mc. She had bypass surgery almost 2 years ago as well. She has recently just lost baby 2. I am REALLY worried her mental well being. I live in Iowa and she is NC; so I can't physically be there for her. Her nephew (he is 22) and his gf got pregnant around the time she was the 1st time. She is 7 colors of "pissed off" at him and her, and thinks God took her baby and gave to it them who in her mind don't deserve a baby due to financial reason. I do NOT know what to tell her, or say to her. I think she is suffering horrific sense of failure and loss, but her thought process is going off the charts and I am afraid she is going to lose relationships due to this. What do you say or NOT say? I am really at a loss for words; my heart breaks for her, but I am really worried.
I am so sorry for your friend's losses and for what you must be going through. It sounds like you're giving her all the support you can, but it's so difficult when you can't, as you said, physically be there. I'm glad she's got a friend like you.
I can only imagine what she's going through. I don't know what the right words are, but I'll share with you what comes to me and pray it will be of some help.
Your friend is grieving the loss of her babies and with the pregnancy of her nephew's girlfriend, she is constantly reminded of what she doesn't have and wants so much...a baby to love. It sounds like she's very jealous and feels as if her nephew's girlfriend doesn't 'deserve a baby' when they can't afford to take of a child and she's gone through so much in trying to have one. This is a lot- a very full plate and I'm beginning to feel like she needs to talk it out with someone- a counselor. More specifically, a grief counselor. It also sounds like her health has not been the best and that's very traumatic. Combined with two miscarriages so close together, she probably doesn't know what to do with all her emotions. I get the sense, and I'm not trying to play 'armchair psychologist', that she's transferring a lot of her pain onto her nephew and his girlfriend. It gives her something, someone, to be angry at for her own suffering. It's sad and I'm concerned for her, too.
When you look at the world through the eyes of grief, everything is skewed. It sounds like this happening to your friend. I get the sense she's almost consumed by her pain.
I would gently suggest she talk things out with a counselor if she's able to. Having a person hear you and only have your best interests at heart can be extremely helpful. I know I ended up talking to a counselor. I'd miscarried and not quite two years later my husband and I split. Prior to him leaving, we made a 'last ditch' attempt and saw a counselor. I know now he had no intention of staying together. His heart was someplace else. But, I continued to go because I wasn't over the loss my son to miscarriage or the loss of my marriage. I was overwhelmed and no matter what I did I couldn't shake the feeling of having a very dark cloud over my head. I became anxious to the point where I suffered terrible anxiety attacks. I was sad, cried at the drop of a hat, and couldn't be around pregnant women. It was too much and I'm not ashamed to say I needed some help. I seemed to have landed where I needed to be at the time.
I hope your friend does, too. While nothing is going to take away her pain, she can be helped through it. She already is being helped by your support. Maybe now it's time for her to talk one on one with someone who can better guide her through the maze of emotions that she's living.
Please let me know how she's doing, and also, please let your friend know she's not alone in what she's going through. All she needs to do is read some of the posts on my site and she'll see that- when/if she's ready. Writing it out of your system and knowing someone who relates to your pain is reading your words is a big help, too. Perhaps your friend will let some of what she's feeling out. She is always welcome to visit miscarriagehelp.com, or another miscarriage support site, where she can connect with others who have walked her path. Anything to release some of the pain that's eating away her.
I will keep her in my thoughts and prayers, and you, too.
Love and Blessings,
"As you move on down your road, whatever that road may be, I want you to know that what you're experiencing is something that I, along with millions of other women, have experienced. This does not take away your pain- it acknowledges it. You are not abnormal for crying 'too much'. You are not going crazy when years have passed and you still find yourself remembering and feeling. We cry our tears together. You are not alone in your struggle to get through this. Most importantly, you will..."-Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)
Miscarriage: From a Man to his Wife
I had to share this comment because it's not only beautiful, but it shows how much this man cares about what she went through, what they went through, after losing their child to miscarriage. This really touched my heart.
"To my wife: 6 years on since we lost who was going to be our second child and I still can't imagine what it means to you. Private tears I've had and wishing that I somehow could have done or even said more. You're my Soul-mate, beyond words and this life. You'll never see this, but I post it on this site for other Mothers out there to see and to know how much we may care for what happened and for you, that we do have private tears for our loss - but how we feel so weak to have not been able to do anything to stop it. Beyond words...XXX XXX"
I know there are days when you feel like you're on the outside looking in.
There are times when you feel like the rain will never stop and you wonder...
Will the sun ever shine again?
For all the raindrops that fall and blend with the tears you cry,
for all the moments when you've wondered if the pain you're going through
will stay, I am here to say...
The sun will shine again. You will feel like you again. The pain you're living will lessen
as you grieve, as you heal, as you take one small step at a time down your road.
It's not easy. You've suffered a very real loss and I lived it, too.
I am so sorry for your loss.
I ask you to believe in yourself. I ask you to give yourself the time and space you need
to heal. I ask you to give yourself permission to grieve.
I also ask you to do something that may not be easy right now...
I ask you to believe.
In yourself, your life, your healing, in far less rain and much more sunshine...
You will get through the rain.
Love and Light,
Ellen M. DuBois, 2013
I hope you're doing well today. Remember, take one day at a time and your best IS good enough.
You know, it's been a long time since my miscarriage. Although I've come a long way from where I was, I still feel the sting of not having a child and am reminded of the one I lost. Different occasions tend to trigger these feelings.
Yesterday is an example:
I went to a baby's one year old birthday party. He is so cute! I always bring my camera because I'm a shutterbug. However, there was a moment when I was standing outside of the bathroom waiting for my aunt to come out so I could walk her back to her seat. (She has a tough time getting around). Anyway, as I stood there looking at the people in the kitchen, I felt like a third wheel. There were about ten to twelve children, from infants to toddlers, in the kitchen with their parents. Their mothers were holding them, talking, feeding them and the conversations were all about 'baby things'. It was quite nice, but I felt so incredibly removed from the loop- like a third wheel. Let's face it, I was. I didn't have a baby to talk about, or a child who was older so I could share how I'd been through this or that and could relate. There wasn't one thing I could discuss with these women because I'm not a mother. Well, I am, to my child in Heaven. But, you know what I mean.
Years ago, I probably would have had to step outside to hide the tears. I was like that for a long time after I miscarried. Keep in mind it's been over twenty years, so I've gotten used to this and have adapted. I've had to accept the way things are because if I didn't, I'd still be a wreck at every function or gathering that involved babies. But, I want you to know that you are not alone if you struggle with feelings of sadness, isolation, and more when you're around babies, pregnant women, etc. For many years I could barely make it to a baby shower or be near a pregnant woman. I'm a lot better now because so much time has passed. Many of you have not had that advantage and you may still be struggling. I am so sorry for this and for your loss.
Please be gentle with yourself and know there will come a day when, like me, you'll be okay around babies/pregnant women. You may have moments, like I did yesterday, when you remember and feel the sting. But, it won't be as strong because your wound would have had time to heal.
You need and deserve that time.
My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Love and Light, Ellen
Dear Ellen, I was looking for a book to read to help me cope when I can across your website. It's been almost 6 months since my miscarriage. I have dated the same man since I was 15. It was a very abusive relationship that ended when I got pregnant in November 2012. Only my ex and one friend know about what happened. My ex is no support to me because of his abusive actions. My friend has been amazing through out all of this but I feel so lost. Between the end of an 11 year relationship and the loss of my child, I am completely torn. I have good days and then terrible days out of no where. I thought that things would get easier as time went on, but it seems like they are only getting worse. Is there anything that I can do to help me cope with all of these emotions? Heather
I am so sorry for your loss. While I'm not a doctor, I do know what it's like to grieve the loss of your baby and the loss of a relationship, (even an unhealthy one). Your plate is very full and I understand why you feel lost.
Six months may feel like a long time right now. But, it's really not. Six months after my own miscarriage, and later a divorce, I felt like a train wreck. My emotions were all over the place. Much like you, I'd be okay and then suddenly, not okay. The bouncing back and forth is a lot to handle- to cope with
I found that allowing my feeling to come out, like you did here, helped. I didn't have the Internet, (not like it is now), to find support. So, I wrote in a journal. I cried when I had to and if it was, let's say, in the middle of work, I'd wait. But, as soon as I got in my car I let the tears fall.
Later, when I still felt stuck, I talked to a counselor. What was going to be couple's counseling, turned out to be individual support for me. My ex wanted out and I needed help. Just having someone to talk to who didn't know me and had only my best interests at heart was a positive step for me.
I dug deep into my faith, and I started listening to guided meditations. This came later, but I'll tell you, they helped calm me down so much. My whole self slowed down and I felt relief. I was able to, over time, gain a better perspective and continued to write my feelings down.
Coping is different for everyone, but I can say that what I've shared helped me a great deal. It didn't happen overnight. Not by a long shot. But, I did feel relief right away when I prayed and listened to those guided meditations. I felt relief right away when I talked to my counselor, too. The thing is, it was all a process. Sometimes, I felt like I was moving forward, but then I'd have this day where the tears fell and I was crumbling. I later realized it was my mind and body's way of letting the emotions out because when you keep them in, you end up either not feeling well or having anxiety attacks like I did. This doesn't happen to everyone, but it happened to me.
Years after my miscarriage, I had a memorial for my baby boy. I read a letter out loud to him. My best friend was with me. I released a balloon in the air that had the words I Love You written on it. It was my way of giving myself the closure I needed. So many women feel as if there's no closure after they lose their baby to miscarriage. Most of the time, there isn't. You may want to do something- what I did, or plant a little tree or some flowers as a tribute to your little one's life. I know your baby touched your heart deeply. That's why it hurts so much. Again, I'm so sorry.
I hope some of what I've said makes sense. One day at a time is the only way to this. I know there are easier times ahead, but getting through the "now" is rough and makes it hard to see anything else.
I'm here if you ever want to email me again.
Love and Light to you,
"Embrace whatever you're feeling. Whatever mask you have on right now, is okay. You're entitled to feel."- Ellen DuBois
I know what it like to feel one emotion, literally, after the other, when you've suffered losing your baby to miscarriage. Sometimes, you can't put a name of what you're feeling because your emotions are all over the board.
Sometimes, you're able to smile. Other times, the tears don't seem like they'll ever stop. You can be okay in the market and suddenly feel the need to get out...fast.
I know it's all part of the grieving. I knew it then, but it didn't help. What would have helped was if someone, anyone, said to me, "Embrace whatever you're feeling. Whatever mask you have on right now, is okay. You're entitled to feel."
Love and Light to you
The other day, just walking along, I heard the most beautiful birds in song. I looked up to find them in the sky, when something magical caught my eye. A cloud, but not just any one- in the shape of a heart, gleaming in the sun. I thought of you in Heaven above and my own heart filled with undying love. Although a tear fell down my face, I knew you were in a glorious place. I heard the birds begin to sing and saw them fly, spreading their wings. I thanked the angels for my sign from above. I knew you were with me, in spirit and in love.- Ellen M. DuBois
This comment recently came in on my Facebook page and I wanted to share it with you. It can be such a lonely, isolating world after miscarriage. When people dismiss your grief, your baby, it's even harder. Friends to confide in are like treasures. They listen, support, don't judge...are there for you. When they seem to tire of hearing about your very real pain, it's tough. Sadly, so much of the world thinks moving on after miscarriage "should be" rather quick and fairly easy. Those of us who have lived it know that's far from the truth.
My thoughts and prayers go out to all of you, and if you have any words of support, please feel free to leave them.
Blessings to you, Ellen
"Hi. i was searching for supportive groups/pages for miscarriages and yours looked inviting ; in 2011 i was 5 weeks pregnant with my first (and only) when i woke up with a bleed, my family have been very supportive during the last few years but unforchantely i can not say the same for my friends who are insensitive and claim that i shouldnt celebrate my estimated due date or mourn on my the day my unborn soldier went to heaven as "i was 5 weeks nd was barely pregnant... i really just need a friend even after so long :( "
My Response: Dear "S", I am so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you found Miscarriage Help to be inviting. I've worked very hard to give women like you- like me- a place to feel safe sharing. I know what it's like when people think you should "get on and get over it", (your miscarriage). I know how it hurts. The thing is, you have every right to feel what you do and please try not to let other people's feelings define how you're supposed to feel. They have not lived this. They are not walking in your footsteps and I am sorry your friends are being so insensitive. Whether you're 5 weeks or 15 weeks doesn't matter. The love you felt for your baby was real and always will be. I still get sad around what would have been my due date and the anniversary of my miscarriage- and it's been over twenty years. So, please allow yourself to feel what you must and know there are others who care about what you're living and can relate to your feelings. You are welcome to share any time, and please feel free to visit http://miscarriagehelp.com , too. Love and Light to you, Ellen
For all mothers missing their babies.
I remember and honor so many people on Memorial Day weekend. Our veterans. Family members and friends. My precious wee one, please know you, too, are remembered with such love- every...single...day
I will remember you, sweet baby. Remembrance Bracelet
"i feel like a failure as a woman, like i have failed my husband even tho he assures me i have not that is how i feel, i really dont no y im writing this, maybe i jjust need to get it out, i just want my baby." back."
"When do you stop feeling like a failure and if only you would have done something different than you still would be pregnant"
Today I received two posts on my FB page. Both women felt like they had failed because they'd miscarried. I know the feeling well and it's so easy to try to find blame within ourselves when we don't have the answers.
I did it, too. For quite some time I went over everything I'd done to see if there was anything I did to cause my miscarriage. I didn't realize what I was doing to myself- hurting myself even more. On top of my grief, I was taking the blame for something I did not do or cause.
To any woman who feels like a failure because she's miscarried, please try to believe you are not. Miscarriage leaves you spinning and looking for answers. It's like a huge "WHY?" is hanging over your head.
Over time, you will come to know it was not your fault, but until then, take one day at a time and if you can, please stop blaming yourself.
My heart goes to you and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.
I hope you're doing well. I know it's one day at a time, some being better than others. I am so sorry for your loss.
Over the years and even in my book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery , I've talked about how guided meditations have helped me get through some pretty dark times. I didn't know about them right after my miscarriage, but wish I did. Actually, they were around, but not like they are today. There are many more available.
After I miscarried, my panic and anxiety attacks kicked in full force. I've suffered from them since around the age of twenty shortly after living through some very scary vision problems. One day, panic attacks were "there" and I'll never forget how terrifying my one was. I know I may seem a bit off topic, but things as painful as miscarriage can trigger things like anxiety, or panic attacks. That's what happened to me and many of you might be feeling the same. Believe me, you're not alone. I know it's scary and it, well, stinks, for lack of a better word. But, regulating your your breathing, slowing your mind and body down do help. Guided meditations combined with a lot of faith, helped me a great deal. As I said earlier, they still do.
I have a tough time focusing when trying to meditate in silence, although over the years I've tried to just 'go with it' and see what happens. I've gotten better, but find myself turning to guided meditations when I'm very stressed, sad, confused, etc. They calm me, soothe me, put me in a much better place, helping me to regroup. I also suffer from ringing in the ear, (my right one), and have special headphones, (Sleep Phones- they're great), I use at night to listen to guided meditations so I can sleep.
One of my favorites has been The Healing Waterfall my Max Highstein. I've been listening to it for years and love it. There are two versions of it, now.
If you're having a tough time sleeping, relaxing, getting your mind in a better place, these meditations, (along with many more I can recommend), may help you. I hope they do- as much as they've helped me.Click here to discover all of The Healing Waterfall guided meditations. If you decide to download one, I'd love to hear how you felt about it.
Now, I love these meditations, and there are MANY more online for download or on CD. You can find them everywhere- simply google "Guided Meditations". I want to let you know I've become an affiliate for The Healing Waterfall, (that means I get a percentage of the sale should you decide to purchase one), but that is NOT why I posted this. I went to their site to get the spelling of Max's last name right, "Highstein", and saw they had an affiliate program. I've been working with companies as an affiliate for years on several of my other websites, so I decided to join. I wanted to let you know this because I got a feeling in my gut that told me I should. So, I followed my gut.
Here's a free download from The Healing Waterfall called "Healing With Love". You may want to give this a listen and see if guided meditations feel right to you.
Love and Light, Ellen
It's been quite a busy week, but somehow the energy to answer an email makes its way to me and I feel a need to connect and respond to someone who is hurting.
Much like I was after I miscarried. Oh, I can't begin to tell you how much I ached for someone to talk to. Had the Internet been around like it is today, I would have been pourning my heart out just for sake of feeling heard. Validated.
I'm not going to share the email I received today because the woman who sent it asked me to wait. I respect that. I respect her. But, I will say her words brought many of my own feelings to the surface- ones I didn't realize were so close.
Our need to connect and support each other is immense. Since 2006 (The launch of MiscarriageHelp.com), I have discovered that although our circumstances may differ, we are more alike than you may realize. We are tied by a common thread and miscarriage does that. It's a loss that leaves you spinning and feeling incredibly alone. In part, I believe it's because nobody saw the baby, or babies, you loved with every fiber of your being.
This woman said things that struck my heart, as the emails I receive always do. She is struggling with grief and other issues in her homelife and relationships that I relate to on a very personal level.
I have walked a walk so similar to hers. I have felt the pain of miscarriage, the isolation, the questioning, the dismissal by ones you love and ones you hardly know. I know the impact losing a baby to miscarriage has on relationships: couples, friends, other family members, coworkers and more.
We may be different, and that's a good thing. The world needs different in order to avoid being boring. But, on a very deep and spiritual level, we are so much alike. We are like drops that form a sea. We have cried the same tears and felt the same aches. We've reached out, looked up, questioned everything and somehow, (by the grace of God), we have either made it to the other side or we're helping each other make it.
Love and Light to you all,
It's Mother's Day. I thank God for my wonderful mother and for all the blessings in my life. There is so much I'm grateful for. It would be nearly impossible to name them all.
I was resting in bed this morning letting my mind wander. I thought about my mother and suddenly, I thought about a time in her life where 'difficult' is an understatement in describing it.
My mother's birthday is in late April, followed by Mother's Day, and my birthday in May. Joyful times for her, but one year in particular, it was a time of great emotional struggles between joy and grief.
Many years ago, my brother, David, passed away at eighteen months in February. My mother was pregnant with me. Her birthday came in April, followed by Mother's Day followed about two weeks later with the birth of me.
The strength she had to find must have been like looking for a flashlight in the pitch dark.
My older sister, who was nearly five, needed my mother and there I was, a tiny, new baby who needed her very much, too.
She was there- always was and still is. Feeling a grief so deep yet having two lives depending on her must have been such an emotional roller coaster. She'd just kissed one life goodbye and welcomed a new one into her life within a few months. My sister still needed love and all the many things a mother does for her child.
Embracing the joy and the pain in your life is not an easy thing. Allowing yourself to feel what you must, even when your feelings run the spectrum of emotion can be exhausting, but also freeing. By allowing yourself to feel- sorrow and joy, pain and laughter, you're allowing yourself to be you.
You are special, wonderful, beautiful and worth taking care of. Feeling allows you to take care of you and today, Mother's Day, couldn't be a more perfect time to remind you of your intrinsic "amazingness".
To anyone who is struggling with conflicting emotions on Mother's Day, I write these words- hoping they will touch you in some way. Praying they will convey the message that it's okay to feel joy and sorrow. It's okay to thank God for the blessings you have and to grieve over your loss.
Like Dr. Wayne Dyer once said, (and I'll never forget it), "You can grieve and live at the same time."
Love and Light to you and God Bless, Ellen
I write these words as a woman who miscarried and never had any children. However, whether or not you have children doesn't change the pain you endured when you miscarried. It does not change the special place in your heart you have for the little one you loved. I know this and I'm so sorry for your loss.
Mother's Day is a beautiful day. I celebrate my mother, my sisters who are both mothers and really, mothers everywhere who put their children's lives before their own. Our children are our most precious gifts and they ARE the future. (I know father's have a lot to do with their children, too. But, this is about Mother's Day :)
On the flip side, I've felt like the third wheel on Mother's Day for just about as long as I can remember. I've always wanted to be a mother and the path I'm on, at least at this point on my journey, says it is what it is. I'm not a mother...
I know what it's like to feel the sting on Mother's Day. You see a commercial on TV and perhaps a few tears fall because it's about being a mother. They are meant to draw emotion. To those of us who long to be mothers but aren't, they trigger emotions that are often sad to varying degrees.
With that thought in mind, I want to say this: I know helping a child is not the same as being that child's mother, but please don't sell yourself short. I ask you to recognize the value you bring to a child's life by listening to them, playing with them, being a great aunt, a wonderful teacher, someone a child feels they can trust and talk to. Please know the beautiful, positive impact YOU have on a child's life by simply loving and accepting that child just the way they are.
I have been blessed with two wonderful parents who still give me Mother's Day cards, even though I'm the daughter without any children. The cards, which span twenty-plus years, serve to remind me that I'm appreciated as a loving aunt, teacher and helper to children. This means the world to me and always will. Although it's not a "magic eraser" to the ache I feel over being childless, I've grown into having a new perspective on the role I play, we all play, in children's lives.
So, try to take pride and joy in being a great auntie, teacher, baby sitter, nanny, tutor, mentor, big sister, great neighbor. I could go on. YOU are so precious and valued and have touched the lives of children in a positive way. You may not even remember that one positive thing you did or said that had a profound impact on a child- but, it did.
I pray you know your encouraging words, acts of kindness, or times you just sat and listened, made a difference to a child. A very positive one.
That is mothering. It is nurturing. It is wonderful, important and it is YOU.
Sometimes, the sting we feel may not go away, but it's far less painful when you realize just how many children you've helped- just by being yourself.
Just wanted to share.
Love and Light to you,