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MiscarriageHelp.com

Writing To Heal

by Ellen DuBois on 06/21/16



If you've recently suffered a miscarriage, you probably can't wrap your head around writing right now. I know after my miscarriage many years ago, writing was something I didn't give any thought to. I was too consumed by grief and exhausted. The days were a struggle to get through. "Pretending" to be okay when it was time to return to work left me feeling like a wet rag.

There was nothing left to put into words.

Time passed. I was functioning better, at least on the outside. Inside, well, that was a different story. I battled with feelings of jealousy over women who were pregnant. I cried when I passed the baby isle. Hearing about a friend who was pregnant felt like a knife in my gut, but I smiled and tried to celebrate their joy.

All the "trying" landed me in a place where I was so emotionally spent I didn't know who I was anymore. I guess I defined myself as the one who "tried" to get through her day. That's where all my energy went.

Until I started writing.

Although I was exhausted from trying so hard to "be normal", I had so many feelings I stuffed into the back of my mind. I didn't want to deal with them because I was afraid I'd fall apart. There were times I did, so I knew how little it took for the floodgates to burst- and that was exhausting, too.

I see now that letting it out was healthier. Keeping everything bottled up inside didn't help me. It hurt. Things got so bad I ended up with a pneumonia on the Fourth of July.

I digress. My miscarriage was in 1991. In '92 my husband and I bought our first house. By 1994, my husband and I split.

I was still grieving the loss of our baby and then the loss of my marriage. But, I worked, went to a counselor, tried to move forward while battling massive anxiety attacks...I tried. There's that word again- tried.  Life was such an effort I felt I had to write to keep my sanity.

Writing can be so freeing. I wrote songs, poems, music, and eventually I Never Held You, my book bout miscarriage, grief, healing & recovery. I actually wrote another book before that. It was fiction and it's pretty clear it was my first book. But, I got it done and published. That alone was therapeutic, (and no matter what, still an accomplishment). The story was pretty good- certainly not a masterpiece. Although it was fiction, I see how Jackie's Heart reflected my own hopes for a happy outcome despite a truckload of angst.

I am convinced writing helps heal. It helps heal yourself and may very well help someone else. Keeping everything inside is like shaking a champagne bottle- it's going to burst. Whether you write in a journal, blog, keep a notebook by the bed, record your feelings and write them down later or write what may become a book, it's all good. Releasing your feelings through writing leaves room inside to heal. You never know- the road you've walked and lessons you've learned could be the life preserver someone out there is desperately searching for.

(I'm going through this again a year and a half after losing my mother, along with a few other things I've been struggling with. I can feel myself getting closer to the words spilling out as they have before. I'll write. I'll heal.)

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



If they tell you to get over your miscarriage: No clue what you're living.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/12/16



Hello Everyone,

Anyone who tells you it's time to get over your miscarriage or anything of the sort, has no clue what you're living.

As I've said many times, there is no time limit you can place upon grief. We all grieve in our own way and in our own time.

After suffering a miscarriage, one moment at a time is how you get through your days. I find this to be true with any kind of loss. Placing high expectations upon yourself, i.e., I should be over this now or doing better than I am, serves only to hurt rather than help you.

With that, please try to accept that your best IS good enough. I get how real your loss is. I know how real your baby was and the love for your baby didn't pass away when your baby did.

There's a connection that lasts a lifetime.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. I am still sifting through the rubble after losing my mother over a year ago and believe me, nobody can tell me how to grieve or what's acceptable to them- just as they couldn't after I miscarried.

I hold you in my heart and am here for you. With much love, Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Blaming Yourself For Your Miscarriage Only Hurts You More

by Ellen DuBois on 05/31/16


"After my miscarriage, I blamed myself. After searching for answers and coming up empty handed, I couldn't help buy blame myself. It took a long time to realize my miscarriage was not my fault. The irony: The more I blamed myself, the more I hurt myself."- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com

 

The following is a chapter from my book on self blame:

Who could I blame for this? Did I do something wrong? Did that glass of wine I had before I even knew I was pregnant somehow hurt my baby? Did that slip on the ice have anything to do with it? What about the cigarettes I smoked? Or, or, or...

It's a very natural thing to blame yourself when you suffer a miscarriage. I did. I wracked my brain in a futile attempt to come up with some answers. Anything. Nothing the doctor said could convince me that there wasn't something I did to make this happen.

So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again.

When I couldn't find blame within myself - or at least a concrete event that I could somehow link to my miscarriage, my anger turned to God. Yes, God. How could He let this happen? Why? What did I do to deserve this?

I never thought about the bigger plan. Back then, my views on life and what God's plans were for me were much different. Even if they weren't, I still would have felt tremendous pain, and my faith would have been tested to the max. I still would have wondered what kind of a God would allow such a thing to happen.

Over time, however, I learned to stop blaming God. I don't want to preach to you, but, to those of you who are looking to God for answers, you'll probably never know. In retrospect, I can now look back and realize that it was all a part of the plan for my life and accept that, as painful as it may be. It certainly isn't something I'd want to relive,and I still don't know why it happened. My marriage did end. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe my ex-husband and I just weren't cut out to be parents-we weren't cut out to be married. But, that doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm only using examples pulled from my own life. There are many women who aren't involved with partners but have miscarried. Many women have terrific marriages and miscarry. You all have your own circumstances to look at and to try to find blame in. Let me just say this: Please, for your own peace of mind, stop blaming yourself and God (if you're blaming Him, too). It's simply torture, and the more you search for answers, the longer you prolong your misery. I know it hurts. I can feel your pain. I know having the answers would take away a little of your pain. But, please consider this: Even if you had the answer right in front of you, would it really lessen your grief or sadness?

I know it wouldn't have with me. It wouldn't bring back what I lost. I know that now-only after time.

Acknowledge your pain. Feel it. But, please stop blaming yourself, God, or anyone else.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



"When You Flew"

by Ellen DuBois on 05/30/16



Thinking of you all today, Memorial Day, and every day.

On this day, we remember and honor those who serve and who have served our country - past, present and future.

It is also a day we remember those we love who are no longer with us. We place flowers on graves. We place flags on the graves of those who served our country. We have parades and gatherings to honor those who fought and are still fighting for this great country. We gather and we remember.

Yes, we remember- everybody. We remember all we love and miss. People who touched our hearts. We feel a connection to family members, friends, veterans and to the precious babies who left us with aching arms and hearts.

My thoughts and prayers are with all of you who are remembering loved ones today.

"When you flew, part of me did, too. I will always be- connected to you."

God Bless,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Memorial Day

Miscarriage: I Know What It's Like.

by Ellen DuBois on 05/16/16



I remember the year I turned twenty-six. Specifically, my birthday. About a month prior at age 25, I miscarried. It was also around my mother's birthday in late April.

By the time my birthday rolled around, I was a mess. My husband (at the time) asked what I wanted for my birthday. All I could get out, other than tears, were the words, "A baby. My baby."

That was never to be.

With each passing year I thought about my baby, my miscarriage and how I changed. Things I took for granted, like being "able" to have a baby, the white picket fence, the marriage that lasted, ran through my mind like a movie playing over and over again. Miscarriage is traumatic. It was for me and I'd venture to say it was for you. That terrible time and every single feeling that went with it was etched into my soul like an invisible tatoo I never wanted.

Miscarriage rips the rug out from under you. What you thought was solid becomes mush, including the earth beneath your feet. The only thing that felt rock steady was God and the love from my family. Even that didn't fill the void or soothe the ache.

So many years have gone by since those dark days, months and years. 25 to be exact. I don't know how long it took for my wounds to heal. It was a process. However, my wounds healed and like all deep wounds, left a scar.

I know how much you've suffered if you're a miscarriage survivor. I know the tears you've cried and the ones you've tried to hide. I know the sting you've felt after finding out another friend was pregnant. I know how much it took for you to smile at the news when inside you were screaming, Why not me? Why?

I know how you've wanted to be alone and how sometimes you felt so alone. There's a difference.

I remember being afraid that I'd feel the heavy, wet cloak of sadness on my shoulders forever.

Please take heart. Eventually it will be lifted.

I know what it's like to be reduced to a crying heap on the floor, the sobs coming from a place so deep within you they pull and tug as they leave your body.

I felt it all and lived it. I still remember and I still miss the baby I never had but will always love.

I'm here to tell you you'll survive this. You will get through it and the wounds holding you captive right now won't always have the power to do so. As you allow yourself to grieve, feel and heal the power of your pain weakens.

There will be days that are pretty good and others that make you feel like you took ten steps backwards. On those days you may question everything.

I did.

Reach out when things get too scary. To God, a friend, your journal, a support group. Reach out because when you do, you'll be pulled out of grief's quicksand.

I said goodbye to my baby twenty five years ago and as I approach my birthday twenty five years later, I realize I will always feel connected to the baby I lost and I've still got that scar. I grew into an acceptance and as with most growth, there were many growing pains.

Our journies in life are different, but we're very connected. Our lives intersect at various points and without knowing it, we say or do something that helps somebody.

That gives my baby's life a purpose. It give the loss I endured  some sort of meaning other than pain. I think that happens to many of us with all sorts of loss, trauma, pain. Because we've survived it, at some point we end up reaching out to someone who's going through it.

I know what it's like.

So please hang in there. Try not to lose faith in yourself, in life, in God, in everything. I know the wind has been knocked out of your sails. But, it'll be back and your ship will move forward across calmer seas.

God Bless.

Ellen

(I'm still grieving the loss of my mother a year and five months ago. I know what that's like, too.)

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery








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