MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

A Letter To The Woman Who Has Miscarried

by Ellen DuBois on 10/24/14



Hello Everyone,

I feel kind of guilty because there are so many of you missing your babies and it's October- National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I've not been as available as I'd like. My mother has been in the hospital, (now rehab), since September 26th. My days have been spent with her, working, and keeping up with this site as best I can. Some days it seems like I need one more "me" to get it all done.

But...that doesn't mean you all haven't been in my thoughts and prayers. It doesn't mean I didn't hold you in my heart on the fifteeth of October when I lit my candle and was profoundly touched by our "Wave of Light". Oh, you have all been on my mind and your losses have not been forgotten. Your babies have not been forgotten.

I remember writing a letter to my baby and sharing it on this site. I was just thinking of what I'd say in a letter to you- a woman who has walked the long, often rocky road after miscarriage:

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved your baby- how much you still do. I know of the plans, dreams and wishes you had for your child and how all of it changed in an instant. I feel how blindsided you are by your loss. I was there. I walked in your shoes.

I can't tell you when you'll heal or feel like the person you were before your loss. I wish I could. I remember the days blending into weeks and months. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and wonder where "you" went or if you'll ever feel happy again. God, do I know.

When your wounds are still raw, it's so hard to see beyond them. I ask you to give yourself time to grieve, to heal, to feel. You have every right to. Your loss is real and I know what it's like when it's dismissed. It hurts.

In time, (it's different for everyone), you'll begin to feel more like yourself. You won't forget, (ever), what you've been through or how you've changed. But, you will come out of this on the other side. Some days will be better than others. Please don't view the 'bad days' as steps backwards. They are not. You are perfectly normal in feeling "abnormal". The only thing predictable about grief is that it's unpredictable.

I hope those around you understand, to the best of their ability, that you're in pain and need time to get it together. Healing is not something you can force or speed up. However, it can be hindered if you try to bury your feelings or deny them. Please don't do that to yourself. If others are pressuring you to "move on", please try to treat yourself as you would a best friend and accept your best as being good enough. It is.

I waited a long time before I did anything to validate my loss, like have a memorial for my baby. I can't explain how deeply I was moved and how much closure I finally got when I did have a memorial to honor my baby's brief, but life changing stay with me. All I did was write him a letter, read it out loud and release a balloon into the air. What it did for my heart and soul is beyond description. I can't find the right words. I can only tell you it helped me let go of some very deep pain I'd been holding on to for a very, very long time.

No, I have not forgotten the baby I loved and never held and I don't expect you to, either. But, I want you to know you're going to be okay. You're going to have days where you smile more than cry and then you'll find the tears finally slow down. Life will feel more balanced. In time.

Even if years have gone by, you will probably find yourself feeling very connected to your baby. If you do, I want you to know that I feel the same way. Even to this day, my son touches my life in some way every day. I grew into this connection and have been comforted by it for some time.

I remember you and your babies during the month of October and all year long. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and thank God for the Internet because it gives us a way to connect, to share, to express in ways we didn't have before.

Take care of yourself, my friend, Know you are thought of and cared about more than you may know.

Love and Light

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Wave of Light, October 15th, Remembering Our Babies

by Ellen DuBois on 10/15/14


Wave of Light- Remembering Our Babies. October 15th.

I lit a candle said a prayer, for all of us- everywhere. I made sure to remember you. I know the pain you have been through.

Love to you all,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, October 15th

by Ellen DuBois on 10/15/14



 

"I light my candle for you and for me as we join hearts, thoughts, tears and prayers. We remember the babies we love and miss. Our children are together in Heaven. We find comfort in each other on earth."- Ellen M. DuBois


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



A Helpful Article (Woman'sDay) About Support After Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 10/13/14

I was honored when asked to be a part of this article on miscarriage written by Naomi Williamson for Woman'sDay. Because October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, I felt compelled to share it with you again.

Knowing what to say- and what not to say-  to a woman who has experienced a miscarriage can make all the difference in the world.  In her world.

My heart goes out to you all. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Here's the link to the article:

http://www.womansday.com/sex-relationships/friendship/miscarriage-support



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



The Bereaved Mother

by Ellen DuBois on 10/12/14



"Do not judge the bereaved mother. She comes in many forms. She is breathing, but she is dying. She may look young, but inside she has become ancient. She smiles, but her heart sobs. She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS but she IS NOT, all at once. She is here, but part of her in elsewhere for eternity."- Author Unknown

My heart goes out to all who have lost a baby, a child. October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. But, I know many of you think about your child every month- every day.

There is not a day that goes by when I don't think of my little one. It may be a fleeting thought or I may cry. Maybe a few tears and then I go on- perhaps many because I need to melt down before I get up.

Underneath the laughter, there are days we fight back tears. Behind the woman going to work, driving her car, getting groceries, getting dressed, is a woman who feels like part of her soul is in another place- with her child.

I am deeply sorry for your loss and I want you to know you are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



October: A Month Of Awareness

by Ellen DuBois on 10/07/14



Hello,

October is upon us and it's a time for many things. The leaves are changing color, creating a canvas of vibrant hues. The air is crisp and many of us are digging out our sweaters as the temperature drops.

I love the fall- always have. But, since my miscarriage, it's been a bitter-sweet time. My baby would have been a "Thanksgiving Baby".  Every fall for the past 23 years I've thought about my son and what life would have been like had he lived. When October comes, I think about him even more and all who have lived through losing a baby. Even after you've healed, the floodgates sometimes open wide and the tears fall.

I think it will always be that way- at least for me.

October is a month of awareness for many things, most of which I didn't know about.

October is: AIDS Awareness Month; Adopt a Shelter Dog Awareness Month; Breast Cancer Awareness Month; Bullying Prevention Awareness Month; Book Awareness Month; Campaign for Healthier Babies Awareness Month; CyberSecurity Awareness Month; Dental Hygiene Awareness Month; Domestic Violence Awareness Month; Down Syndrome Awareness Month; Filipino American History Awareness Month; Fire Prevention Awareness Month; Italian-American Heritage Awareness Month; Lupus Awareness Month; Rett Syndrome Awareness Month; Selective Mutism Awareness Month; Vegetarian Awareness Month and Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. (For an awareness month calendar, click here.)

The one that's closest to my heart is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.

To all those who have lost a baby, or babies, my thoughts and prayers are with you. I know the pain and I know how important it is to have your loss and grief recognized. I know how the  support of others who have walked the same road can help ease the blow.

I will never forget the baby I loved and never got to hold.

I am deeply sorry for your loss. Please remember to take care of yourself, allow yourself to feel and know you are not alone.

Love and Light,

Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



 

 

Sympathy Solutions- Unique expressions of comfort


MiscarriageHelp.com- A Kiss To Heaven

by Ellen DuBois on 10/01/14



October is upon us and with it comes SIDS, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. My heart goes out to all who lost their precious babies.

A Kiss To Heaven-

Remember all the babies who left us. May the vacancy in your arms be filled with love in your heart.

You are not alone.

Love and light to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss.

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help: A Doctor's Bedside Manner Goes A Long Way

by Ellen DuBois on 09/28/14



My mother has been in CCU since Friday. It's been a scary time. All the uncertainly.

My father and I sat on a couch in a very small room with the doctor and his assistant across from us. 

 "She might nor survive this."

My first reaction was a sort of numbness. I felt detached. I immediately shifted my attention to my father, who was just told his wife of 54 years may not make it.

Did the doctor have to be so effin' blunt? Had he been in practice so long that he lost touch with the fact that we were people he was talking to and about...not numbers?

Yes, we needed to know the reality of the situation. No, we weren't going to bury our heads in the sand. But, for God's sake, get your bedside manner in order.

In hindsight, I don't think he'd done enough tests to assault us with the dire news. Not knowing what I do now, three days later.

Fast forward to today. My mother is not out of the woods, but the strides she's taken since her admission are nothing short of remarkable. She's talking, eating.  She's had two rounds of dialysis to clean her blood. Her oxygen levels are much better. She didn't have to wear the mask yesterday- except for at night while she slept.

There are still question marks...big ones. But, she's done nothing but improve and each and every improvement is a blessing.

Even her doctor is amazed. The same one who told us, on several occasions, she might not survive.

Again, my family needs to know the reality of my mother's situation. We're not looking for the doctor to omit anything, even if it's what we don't want to hear.

BUT- (I capitalized that for a reason), bedside manner goes a long way. I'm not looking to make friends with my mother's doctor as long as he's clinically good. I care more about the care she's receiving than my feelings. However, the way you say something goes a long way. Quite frankly, his delivery scared the crap out of my father and I, (my sisters, too),  and it was very unnecessary, (in my humble opinion).

All the could haves and would haves in the world aren't going to change that. I would have much rather heard something like, "Your mother is very sick right now and I want you to know that we're doing the best we can. Things are extremely critical- more than you were aware of. It's very touch and go right now and you need to know this. Again, we'll do our best and have a very capable team working on her 24/7."

Ok. The message is the same. The meaning still scares the crap out of me, but if it were delivered in the latter way, the blow would have been easier to take and digest.

You're probably wondering where I'm going with all this.

When a woman miscarries, the importance of her doctor's bedside manner is equally important. When I miscarried, I heard, "The fetus is no longer viable." It was so cold- like a knife to my heart. So hard. No matter how you put it, my baby died. I knew that. A gentler approach that took my feelings into consideration would have been MUCH better for me. I've been left with those doctor's words etched into my mind for over twenty years.

All of us, including doctors, are human. I've had some wonderful experiences with doctors who are in touch with the "human condition"- with themselves-  and it's very comforting.

If doctors treat family members the same way they'd want to be treated, the trauma of bad news would at best, be a bit easier on the people who have to hear it.

When I miscarried, I would have much rather had a doctor say to me, "I'm so sorry. Your baby passed away. If there's anything you need, please let us know. There are people you can talk to right here in the hospital."

It wouldn't have changed my situation, but it would have been much easier to take and wouldn't have left the scar that "Your fetus is no longer viable" did.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



A Comment I Left About Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 09/23/14

I am so sorry for everyone's losses. My heart goes out to you.

Although it's been over twenty years, I remember my miscarriage like it was yesterday. Sadly, the grief associated with losing a baby to miscarriage is often dismissed or others expect you to "get over it" very quickly. As host of a miscarriage support site, I read comments every day from women who still feel like their loss is treated like it's "not such a big deal". Well, it is. When you lose your baby to miscarriage, you're also losing all the hopes, wishes, dreams and plans you had for your baby. It takes time, as with any loss, to grieve and heal. You never forget, but we all heal in our own way and in our own time.

I think creating awareness and being able to talk about it on platforms like the Internet help. We can reach out to others and connect- that's big. It doesn't change anything in terms of your loss, but at least there's someone who gets you and your pain.

My son would have been 23 this Thanksgiving. Not a year, (make that a day), goes by since my miscarriage that I haven't thought about my baby. I miss him more on dates like what would have been his due date or around the time I miscarried. He'll always be a part of me. That's simply the way it is.

Just because I never held you, doesn't mean I didn't love you.- That pretty much sums it up for me.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help- "I'm Here"

by Ellen DuBois on 09/22/14



I know you're hurting
deep inside
in a place nobody 
seems to be able
to reach.
I want you to know
how much I care,
how sorry I am for your
loss-
and that I'm here.
Ellen M. DuBois 2014

Hello Everyone,
I wanted to hear those words after I miscarried and so I put them out there for you- from my heart to yours. I know how real your loss is. I know the tears you've cried and how lonely you may be feeling. I want you to know you're not as alone as you feel and there are people, like me and many others, who care deeply about you and what you're going through.
Love and Light,
Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).


Claire Chew, Grief Recovery Specialist/Spiritual Counselor

310.314.9837 www.clairechew.com

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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.









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