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The Only Thing I Can Say About My Grief Right Now

by Ellen DuBois on 01/23/15

My mother passed away on January 3rd of this year. As I sift through the aftermath and try to ride the painful waves of grief, this is about all I can articulate:


"The only thing that's predictable about grief is that it's unpredictable. Try to take comfort in the fact that you're not alone on your journey. Not by a long shot."- Ellen M. DuBois

A Letter To The Woman Who Has Miscarried.

by Ellen DuBois on 01/21/15



Hello Everyone,

Note: I haven't been as available as I'd like to be for you. That's because my mother passed away on January 3rd, 2015. Not a happy beginning to the new year. I'm riding out the grief and doing the best I can. However, you are all important to me. Your loss matters and so do you. So, I am reposting "A Letter To the Woman Who Has Miscarried."

I remember writing a letter to my baby and sharing it on this site. I was just thinking of what I'd say in a letter to you- a woman who has walked the long, often rocky road after miscarriage:

Dear Friend,

I am so sorry for your loss. I know how much you loved your baby- how much you still do. I know of the plans, dreams and wishes you had for your child and how all of it changed in an instant. I feel how blindsided you are by your loss. I was there. I walked in your shoes.

I can't tell you when you'll heal or feel like the person you were before your loss. I wish I could. I remember the days blending into weeks and months. I know what it's like to look in the mirror and wonder where "you" went or if you'll ever feel happy again. God, do I know.

When your wounds are still raw, it's so hard to see beyond them. I ask you to give yourself time to grieve, to heal, to feel. You have every right to. Your loss is real and I know what it's like when it's dismissed. It hurts.

In time, (it's different for everyone), you'll begin to feel more like yourself. You won't forget, (ever), what you've been through or how you've changed. But, you will come out of this on the other side. Some days will be better than others. Please don't view the 'bad days' as steps backwards. They are not. You are perfectly normal in feeling "abnormal". The only thing predictable about grief is that it's unpredictable.

I hope those around you understand, to the best of their ability, that you're in pain and need time to get it together. Healing is not something you can force or speed up. However, it can be hindered if you try to bury your feelings or deny them. Please don't do that to yourself. If others are pressuring you to "move on", please try to treat yourself as you would a best friend and accept your best as being good enough. It is.

I waited a long time before I did anything to validate my loss, like have a memorial for my baby. I can't explain how deeply I was moved and how much closure I finally got when I did have a memorial to honor my baby's brief, but life changing stay with me. All I did was write him a letter, read it out loud and release a balloon into the air. What it did for my heart and soul is beyond description. I can't find the right words. I can only tell you it helped me let go of some very deep pain I'd been holding on to for a very, very long time.

No, I have not forgotten the baby I loved and never held and I don't expect you to, either. But, I want you to know you're going to be okay. You're going to have days where you smile more than cry and then you'll find the tears finally slow down. Life will feel more balanced. In time.

Even if years have gone by, you will probably find yourself feeling very connected to your baby. If you do, I want you to know that I feel the same way. Even to this day, my son touches my life in some way every day. I grew into this connection and have been comforted by it for some time.

I remember you and your babies during the month of October and all year long. I keep you in my thoughts and prayers and thank God for the Internet because it gives us a way to connect, to share, to express in ways we didn't have before.

Take care of yourself, my friend. Know you are thought of and cared about more than you may know.

Love and Light

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



"Grief Fallout" - Miscarriage. Loss. Permisssion To Grieve.

by Ellen DuBois on 01/16/15



In the aftermath of my mother's passing on 1-3-2015, I find myself standing at a crossroad. It's similar to the one I stood at some twenty five years ago after I miscarried. Yes, the loss is different. But, grief is grief and every loss we experience matters.

My mother matters and so does the beautiful baby I lost all those years ago, (I named him Alex). I find myself struggling between pushing forward through the days and allowing myself to grieve, rest, feel...heal. However, I've learned something I didn't know all those years ago after my miscarriage: It's important to set time aside for YOU. You need to acknowledge your grief and touch base with how you feel on an emotional, physical and spiritual level.

It's "grief fallout", and it's sometimes unbearable.

I've learned that if you don't give yourself the time you need to check in with yourself, you end up suppressing emotions that need to be released. Twenty five years ago I tried to push through my grief until I landed in a bed with pneumonia. I don't want that to happen to you.

While I realize we all grieve differently, we still must grieve. For some, the time will be quite short. That's okay. It may take quite some time for others. That's okay, too. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. It's a personal thing. I think the key is giving yourself permission to do so.

I know life is busy. I am keenly aware that life moves forward even when we feel stuck on pause. I have been there and I'm there again.

After my miscarriage, I missed all the "what ifs and could have beens". My arms ached for the baby I never held, but loved with all my heart, (still do). I missed being a mother. I missed carrying my baby in my womb. I could list a hundred things and I cried a sea of tears. The grief over losing my baby was intense and consuming- just as it is now over the loss of my mother.

And...I let it eat me up so much I landed in bed where I was forced to rest, regroup, grieve, cry, feel, express and begin taking steps down the road to healing.

Although I'm not feeling very well today, (I feel like I'm in a tailspin), I know how important it is to give myself the space and time I need to just "BE". I am NOT "Superwoman".  (Is there really one?) I cannot do everything and be there for everyone. I never could, but sure tried. Right now, I know my limitations and I'm listening to my body, mind and spirit. Nobody has the right to tell me how to grieve and how to live while grieving.  It's no different if you've miscarried.

I'm doing the best I can and your best IS good enough.

The beautiful, thoughtful pile of sympathy cards next to my desk serve as a reminder of support over the loss of my mother. For as much as miscarriage awareness has grown since the days of my miscarriage, I pray there comes a day when a woman who has miscarried receives the same outpouring of support. I pray she looks and sees a stack of cards addressing her loss- her family's loss.

Your loss is real. Your baby was real. The dreams for your baby were real. Your greif is real.

Just as real as the palpable grief I'm feeling now after losing my mother. It's different, but just as real.

To her I say: "I love you mom- so much. It hurts to not have you here in, to see your smile, hear your voice.  I know with all my heart you have met your grandson on the other side, in Heaven. Please give him hugs and kisses from me." (I have to point out how much my faith in God, angels and the afterlife has carried me through both my miscarriage and the loss of my mother. Without it, I'd be lost.)

To all who have suffered losing a baby to miscarriage, or in any way, my heart goes out to you and you're in my thoughts and prayers. Please, give yourself permission to grieve. You not only need it, you deserve it. Take care of YOU.

Love and Light,

Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage. Motherhood. Getting Older. Giving it to God.

by Ellen DuBois on 01/15/15



Note: While going though some "letters to myself" I wrote last year, I found the one I'm sharing with you. I've been through a heck of a lot since I wrote this in June of 2014, most significantly, the loss of my mother on 1-3-2015. I cannot even explain the depth of my grief.

When I miscarried at age twenty-five, my entire world was shaken. Over time I healed, but, I never forgot my baby or the dream of motherhood.

Life had it's twists and turns. It always does. But, it went on. I met the man I've been with for almost twenty years. There have been ups and downs. I have many blessings in my life and I'm thankful for every one of them.

But...(Isn't there always a but?)

I'm older and wiser...or am I? I'm older, but, here's the rub: I still want a child. I ache to be a mother. I long to hold, love, watch grow, kiss goodnight, anticipate the wonder and joy of Christmas with, tell stories to, drive to piano or dance lessons- perhaps football practice- my child. I dream of the "whole shabang" motherhood encompasses. The longing has never gone away. It hasn't even diminished- not even a tiny bit.

I have lived almost half my life feeling this void and I don't TRY to focus on it. How do you stop yourself from feeling? Really...is it possible? If it is, can someone please clue me in? Seriously. I've had no luck. Life would be easier if I didn't want to be a mother anymore, that's for sure. I'd be calmer. I'd be at ease with myself.

Am I crazy for wanting to be a mother in my forties?

This is tough. It's always been tough and I feel like I keep spinning my wheels.  I'd venture to say that while many women in their forties are enjoying being (young) grandparents, I can't be the only one who wants to be called Mommy instead of Grandma. I mean, there are over seven billion people on this planet. I refuse to believe I'm the only one. (Am I?)

I will never forget the baby I lost to miscarriage and it seems I will always want to be a mother. There's got to be an answer in this vast universe. Maybe it's staring me right in the face and I'm so caught up in "everything" I'm not seeing it.

Giving it to God:

Note: I just had a thought. After catching a show on TV I've been reminded that I worry too much. That's one of my flaws. I've got to give this to God. That doesn't mean I don't have choices to make. It means I have to quiet myself and listen to what God's trying to tell me to do. Then, and only then, will I receive the guidance I need and trust the path I'm either on or end up on is the right one. Yep. Let go and give it to God. I'm working on it.

To all who have lost a baby to miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. To all who long to be mothers and aren't, I feel your pain, too.

Thank you for listening to me.

Love and Blessings,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Overwhelmed & Giving It To God

by Ellen DuBois on 01/11/15



"Sometimes, there's too much to think about. My mind gets so full I feel overwhelmed. My emotions are so strong I feel scattered, tired and unable to focus. When this happens, I say a prayer as ask God to take over. I know I have to give it all to God- because while I may not be able to handle it, He can."- Ellen M. DuBois



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



My Baby Met His Grandmother In Heaven

by Ellen DuBois on 01/10/15

Much like after my miscarriage, I have to allow myself to grieve, feel, cry- whatever, after losing my mother on 1-3-15. My faith carries me when I feel like I'm crumbling and I know my sweet baby got to meet his grandmother. I do find comfort in that. Love and support to you all, and thank you for yours. XO Ellen

Love. Grief. Loss. Einstein.

by Ellen DuBois on 01/09/15



"Energy cannot be created or destroyed, it can only be changed from one form to another."- Albert Einstein

My mother's funeral was yesterday. It's still so surreal to me. But, there are moments when it's very real and I feel like a brick wall has fallen on my chest.

You are sadly familiar with the pain of loss and I'm so sorry for your losses. Every baby deserves to be mourned. You have the right to grieve and must do so in order to heal.

That's where I'm at with my mother. Actually, I'm not sure where I am yet because I haven't really wrapped my brain around losing her.

I will say that my faith, my belief in her spirit living on is in tact. I feel her around me just like I feel the beautiful baby I lost to miscarriage so many years ago. They are both around me now.

I am going through a time of great pain unlike anything I've ever experienced. Each loss in our lives is different, counts and needs to be grieved separately.

Much like my mother's, my faith is strong. I pray it carries me through and my thoughts and prayers are with all of you, too.

If the quote by Einstein resonates with you, hold onto it. I believe it with all my heart.

Love and Light to you, Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Mom...I Still Feel You

by Ellen DuBois on 01/08/15



I am home from my mother's funeral. At the moment, I am not a writer, a piano teacher, a singer, poet or musician. I am a daughter who lost her mother. I am numb, yet I hurt. I am grieving, yet I believe she lives on. I'm sitting here, yet feel detached.

I miss you, Mom. I will love you forever and if these words are energy, which everything is, then I know you can feel what I'm feeling, just like I still feel you.

Love you forever, Ellen

Miscarriage: Balancing Out the Pain.

by Ellen DuBois on 12/31/14



"Lord, this time of year is a wonderful time for reflecting over the past year. Sometimes there is pain involved in looking back, but there is also so much joy and so many things that fill our hearts with gratitude."- A Woman's Daily Prayer Book

Please help me focus on the things I am grateful for. It helps balance out the pain.

Another year has come to a close. It's hard to believe 2014 is ending, yet part of me is glad. Although there are so many things I'm thankful for, I'm also feeling a bit shaken. My mother was in the hospital several times and is there once again. I'm grateful for her improvement, but it's scary and I cling to my faith like a life preserver.

It is.

Perhaps many of you can relate. I remember how I felt on one particular New Year's Eve after I miscarried. I felt like a shell of a human being. I had a very tough time counting the blessings the year brought because I was so overwhelmed.

If anyone is struggling right now, I wish you peace. I pray for you to be comforted and for the angels to wrap you in their wings. Grief is not easy. Reflecting on a year that was particularly painful is difficult. It makes it hard to see all the blessings in your life, even when they're right under your nose.

I wish you a 2015 that is happy, healthy and healing.

Please help me focus on the things I am grateful for. It helps balance out the pain.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage- Emotional Triggers

by Ellen DuBois on 12/27/14



I didn't know what to watch last night so I browsed through Netflix and selected The Other Woman starring Natalie Portman. I've always liked her so I figured I'd watch it. Here's the storyline: "In Manhattan, twenty-two year-old Harvard lawyer Emilia Greenleaf has a crush on her boss, Jack Woolf, and they have an affair. Jack's marriage is a sham but his son, William, is his pride and joy. Emilia soon discovers she's pregnant, and Jack divorces his wife, Carolyn, in order to marry her. His son is poisoned against the partnership by his mother, and resented by his stepmother. Emilia, who has issues with her womanizer father, delivers Isabel but the baby dies. The marriage begins to suffer and William unexpectedly steps in to help."- Source IMDb

There's a scene in the movie where the character played by Portman goes on a baby loss/remembrance walk in Central Park under the advice of her friend.  Pink and blue balloons filled the air. Hundreds of people carried candles and wore heart shaped name tags. They joined together and walked in memory of their babies who passed away due to miscarriage, SIDS and more.

I was filled with emotion- unexpectedly. The scene struck my cords in a powerful way and I felt like one of the characters on that walk. Tears filled my eyes. I remembered my miscarriage, the ache for my baby, the terrible place I was in emotionally. I remembered everything- as if it happened yesterday.

He'd be 24 this year.

You never know when emotional trigger points are going to come crawling out of the woodwork. In my case, it was the scene in this movie. I didn't bet on feeling, if only for a few minutes, some of the raw pain I felt all those years ago.

But, I did.

The thing is, you don't know when something is going to trigger your feelings- ones you thought were resolved, buried, gone. If you find yourself in a situation where the sting you felt after your loss hits hard, please know you're not alone. Not at all.

You're not "abnormal" or any such thing if this happens to you. You're human.

I'm so sorry for your loss and wish you comfort and healing.

Love and Light, Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).


Claire Chew, Grief Recovery Specialist/Spiritual Counselor

310.314.9837 www.clairechew.com

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