MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: Connection

by Ellen DuBois on 04/18/17




Twenty six years ago, right around this time of year, I had a miscarriage.

Although it's been a long time since then, I remember the day, the hospital room, the ultrasound, the numbness I felt when I found out my baby died, the color of the pavement as I walked to my car with my head down, my sister's arm around my shoulders, the quiet ride home, the pressure in my chest, head, body, the horrible realization that my baby was still in my womb, nodding in silent agreement to a D & C, waiting for my husband (at the time) to get home so I could tell him...all of it.

I have grown since then. It took time, but the once open wound in my heart healed and left a scar. I learned to live my life without the baby I loved. It wasn't easy. There were days I felt like I was getting better and others where I wondered if I ever would. So many times I felt the cold isolation miscarriage leaves in its path. I wondered if I should be "over it" and then realized there wasn't really an "over it". I had to wait for the pain to lessen, the tears to slow, the ache to subside, the longing to fade.

The love, however, never died, never subsided, never faded. I will always love the baby I never held and I've come to accept that as part of my life. Just like I will always love my mother, who passed away two-plus years ago. The love remains. It always will.

To all those who are struggling right now, you will get through the thick of it. You will eventually come out on the other side and begin living your life again with fewer tears. There will come a time when you're able to go out and not have to force yourself to do so. You will find yourself smiling again, laughing again and you'll begin to recognize yourself again.

As you go through the muddy waters of grief, I want you to know that you won't always feel like you do now. That cloud you feel looming over you won't always be there. Just give yourself time to grieve and heal. You need and deserve it. 

When you feel like the world simply doesn't get how you feel, please know that there are others who do get it. It doesn't take away your pain, but it makes you feel less alone. If you need to talk to someone who isn't tired of listening to your story, find that person, whether it's online, over the phone or in person, and talk it out. Let your feelings out because it does you more harm than good to keep them inside. 

Believe me, I know.

As we get closer to Mother's Day, know that I understand the silent pain you carry. I get there's a piece of your heart connected to your baby in Heaven. I don't believe that connection ever goes away. It hasn't for me and I've grown into finding comfort in that connection. 

You'll get through this and I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. 

Love and God Bless,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com 
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Miscarriage, Anniversary Dates, Remembering

by Ellen DuBois on 04/01/17



It's hard to believe, but my baby would have been in his twenties now. Sometimes, it seems so long ago. Other times, like the anniversary date of my miscarriage, the sting comes back. You heal. You move forward with life. You don't forget. The heart can't.- Ellen M. DuBois

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Four Miscarriages: He Keeps Telling Me It's Fine & It's Not.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/31/17



Jane Says: (Name has been changed for privacy)

Hi. Sorry I don't know if you could help, you can tell me to go away. I have never talked about my 4 miscarriages before, we been talking and trying for children for the past 2 years. I was 14 weeks when I lost my first, then was 10 weeks, 8 weeks, 11 weeks. I feel so lost and my partner keeps telling me it's fine we will have a child one day but I really don't want to keep putting myself through this, the saddness and the loss.

Ellen Says:

I am so sorry for your losses and I'd never tell you to go away. Ever. You've been though so much Chloe. I'm sorry I didn't get back sooner, either. My father's recovering from surgery a while back.

You have so much on your plate. You are grieving four babies and I'd be afraid of going through that kind of pain again, too. It's a lot to miscarry once...and you've been through this four times. My heart goes out to you.

I don't know if you've considered talking to someone about how you're feeling, but I know it helped for me. Some people aren't comfortable with it while others are. I'm no professional, but I certainly care about your pain and understand what you're going through.

Does your partner know how scared you are? Does he 'get' how each baby you lost was a life you loved and are grieving? I ask because so many times women's partners don't really understand. It's not his fault. We're all different and although he loves you and is grieiving in his own way, you went through it...you lived it.

I don't know if a conversation like that with him would help. Sometimes it can because you connect more. I would venture to guess he says you'll both have another child one day because he's trying to help you but doesn't know how. The pain you're feeling isn't something that can be "fixed" and many times men want to "fix things". I'm trying to stereotype anyone, just basing this on my own experiences.

If I don't use your name, I can share this on my blog and on this FB page and perhaps some women will share their stories with you. I think it always helps when you connect with people who have lived the same. Just let me know if it's okay with you.

I'll be thinking of you and sending you loads of prayers.

Take care of you, and again, I'm so sorry for your losses


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Miscarriage: When Others Remember With You

by Ellen DuBois on 03/28/17





While going through my messages on the MiscarriageHelp.com Facebook page, I wanted to to thank someone who has always taken the time to reach out to me. I try my best to be there for others who have miscarried because I know how isolating it can feel. Miscarriage leaves you in a tailspin and it can last for months or years.




Although I lost my little one twenty-five plus years ago, I will always remember him, how devastated I felt after losing him and will always feel connected by a divine thread to my baby, Alex.

Thank you to GeePee, for always taking the time to think of me and remember my Alex in Heaven. Women who have miscarried often form a bond because they empathize with each other. Anyone who has been through this kind of loss knows what it's like and by reaching out to help others, we often help ourselves.

My heart is touched by these beautiful gestures. My little one, Alex, has been remembered by others, not only me, and it means so much. 

So, thank you GeePee! XO Ellen





 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Silent Grief

by Ellen DuBois on 03/20/17




Grief is exhausting. Silent grief even more so.

What do I mean by silent grief?

It's the grief you hide. It's grieving the loss of a baby nobody saw. It's feeling such a loss so palpable it often consumes you- while others often seem dismissive.

When you suffer a miscarriage, it's not only a "medical" event. It is the loss of a baby- a baby you loved, had plans for and envisioned a life with.

I get it. I know what it's like to try to get through the day smiling while you're crying inside. I know what it's like to want to talk about your loss but get the feeling others are wondering why you're not "over it". After all, you didn't even get to see or hold your baby...right?

Wrong. Nothing could be further from the truth.

I want you to know, as you read this and perhaps are grieving in silence, that you're not alone. Your loss was real and so is your grief. 

Please reach out. You have every right to feel, to grieve and to heal. The road feels smoother when you have some support.

I'm here to give you whatever support I can and I'm sure there are others who not only want to lend their support, but could use yours, too.

We're in this together and your silent grief doesn't have to be so silent. 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
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