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Miscarriage: Caught up in all the "what ifs". Past and Future.

by Ellen DuBois on 09/03/15



It's very easy to get caught up in all the "what ifs" of the past the the "what ifs' of tomorrow. I did it after my own miscarriage when I was full of fear, doubt and great sadness, so I've walked that road. I still need to remind myself that the future comes one day at a time- and that's the way to live your life. Do the best you can and even on days when things feel all wrong or overwhelming, your best is good enough. And then, tomorrow comes. Love to you all, Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: Feeling Alone

by Ellen DuBois on 08/31/15



The following post came in last week. She is feeling very alone and overwhelmed after her miscarriage- something I think many of us can relate to.

Hi Ellen, I have just come across your website after crying for so long, I needed to talk with someone who can understand what I'm feeling and try to help me if possible cope with the loss. My husband and I have been together for 13 years and have a 4 year old gorgeous son. We didn't plan for this one, but it happened and we were excited. I had a scan 51/2 weeks and heartbeat was there all looked great. Around 8 1/2 weeks I started to bleed and was booked in for a scan , this was a abdominal scan that didn't show much but I was told there was no heartbeat. I went home cried for hours and was told to come in the next day for a internal scan to confirm. They confirmed it, I had a glimmer of hope just before the scan that it would be ok. My option was to go home or stay in hospital for a medically managed miscarriage. I wanted a d and c but they said as I was under 10 weeks I couldn't. I took the tablet there and inserted the other 4 tablets 48 hours later and waited for the baby to pass. I waited hours and nothing until the evening, I was on the floor of the living room in agony for 3 hours. No baby passed, I managed to go to bed. Woke up in the morning and passed something in the toilet. I assumed this was it, the following evening whilst walking my son around the local park I felt a massive gush and went to the toilet to find a huge mass. Maybe finally it was over? Few days later the bleeding continued which was normal, but wed last week I flooded everything within 5 minutes and another clot the size of a orange. I phoned the clinic and had a scan the next day, the placenta and tissue were still there after 2 weeks. I was then told I would need a d and c! It was a horrific experience, I feel I cant talk to anyone, I feel so isolated and not understood. My mum just says its happens, never mind,prob something wrong with it, you can have another one. I just really don't know where to turn. I have my four year old to.think of too and I feel I'm letting him down by how I'm feeling. Thank you for reading, I would really appreciate any help from you.

Dear "C"

I don't know if I got back to you and was checking my email for accidental spam and also going through the trash before deleting it. I came across your email, (this is why I check before I delete anything), and wanted to write back.

I apologize for taking so long to respond.

First, I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you went through such a difficult time emotionally and physically. To go through what you did only to have a D&C two weeks later...well, I can't even imagine how tough that must have been.

On top of your grief you've gone through so much. I wish could give you a hug (((hugs)))

I know you love your four year old son. The thing is, you don't need to compare the love you feel for him to the love you feel towards the baby you lost. I know you are grateful to have your little one- but, you are also entitled to grieve. People who have children and lose one of them grieve their child. I do not see suffering a miscarriage as being any different. You loved your baby and were awaiting your child's arrival. You formed a bond of love and when you lost your baby, the love didn't just "go away". Of course not. You had dreams, hopes, wishes and plans for your baby. You had to say goodbye to everything.

You have every right to grieve. Sometimes, people say things like you mother did with the intention of comforting you. I believe that's what she wanted to do. The thing is, when those of us who have lost a baby to miscarriage hear things like, "it happens" or "there was probably something wrong with the baby" or "you can always have another"- it hurts. Why? Because it dismisses the very real loss you're trying to get through. It says your baby wasn't "really real" and you know how real your baby was.

I know that ache and I'm so sorry you're going through this.

All you can do is your best. One day at a time. Please allow yourself to feel. If it helps to write your feelings out, just do it for YOU. When you hold everything in, it can make you sick and I mean that quite literally. It happened to me years ago after I miscarried.

If the time comes when you feel like having a memorial for your baby, (it can be anything that feels right to you, i.e., planting some flowers or a tree, creating a special place in your home or yard, etc.), please go with your heart and do it. It may help give you some closure. That's not to say you'll forget- it just means you'll be more at ease by honoring your baby's brief but life changing stay with you.

I'm here if you ever want to vent, talk, write. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: Back To School Aches

by Ellen DuBois on 08/28/15



"Another fall. Another back to school year. I've spent a lifetime wondering what it would be like watching you learn and grow- in my heart and dreams."- Ellen M. DuBois

To anyone who feels this way, my thoughts are with you. I get it. Love and comfort, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Rising After the Fall

by Ellen DuBois on 08/26/15

It may have taken me a while to rise after falling, (miscarriage), but over time, I did. I never forgot, but I rose and the love I felt for the baby I missed became part of the very strength that helped me to stand. - Love to you all, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Just Because I Never Held You Doesn't Mean I Didn't Love You.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/18/15



Over twenty-years ago I lost my baby to miscarriage. To say it was one of the loneliest, most isolating times of my life is an understatement. Nobody saw my baby. I never held my sweet baby. So, why was I overcome with such grief?

When you suffer a miscarriage, many people don't view your loss as 'real'. If they do, there seems to be a limit on the time you're allowed to grieve. All too quickly women hear: Don't you think you should be over this by now? Or the dreaded, It was meant to be. There was probably something wrong with the baby, and You can always have another.

Like this baby didn't count? That's how I felt all those years ago, and sadly, many women feel still feel that way today. For as far as we've come in terms of miscarriage awareness, support sites, groups and books on miscarriage, we've got a long way to go. But, at least we're heading in the right direction. Step by step.

I digress .

At twenty-five years old, I stood knee deep in the fallout of my miscarriage. I felt like a wet, heavy blanket was draped around my shoulders. My husband, (at the time), and I didn't talk about it much. He didn't get the connection I'd already formed with my unborn. After sixteen-weeks of pregnancy, suddenly, I wasn't. My body felt pregnant. My hormones were a mess. I was bloated, depressed, and cried at the drop of a hat. I avoided pregnant women like the plague along with anything having to do with babies. The thought of attending a baby shower made me cringe. I barely made is past the baby isle in the grocery store without suffering a panic attack, or fearing I'd burst out in tears.

I was happy for friends and family who were pregnant; it's just that I viewed pregnancy as a reminder of what I lost. It stung. I couldn't break free from the world of "Why not me?" Why couldn't it be me? Why did I lose my baby? Why. Why. Why?!

My grief lasted a long time. Although I was back to work within a week of my D&C, I was just going through the motions, still wearing that heavy blanket. By the time July rolled around, I was so run down I landed in bed with a double lobe pneumonia. That's how I spent my Fourth of July. There were so many tears, so many words left unspoken, and so much kept inside. I busied myself to the point of distraction so I wouldn't have to think. Every time I thought, my mind went straight to the baby I lost and missed. The tears would flow again.

That made me sick, literally.

There were days I thought I was losing it. There were moments I thought I was crazy. Why couldn't I let go? Where was the relief? Why couldn't I talk to my husband about it without him getting worked up or wanting to avoid the subject and me all together?

I learned over time that I wasn't crazy or losing it for feeling the way I did. I learned after my miscarriage and divorce and lots of grieving and growing that what I felt was normal. I learned my life took on a "new normal" after my miscarriage because I suffered a very real loss- one that went unacknowledged by many. I learned after searching and searching for something that spoke to me and my pain that there wasn't much out there- not back then, and so I had to dig deep into my faith and into myself, to find ways to cope and heal.

I remember the day, eleven years after my miscarriage, sitting at the kitchen table when a feeling so strong told me to write about my experience and life after miscarriage. The need to reach out to other women was incredibly powerful and I couldn't ignore it. After all those years, I knew it was time to dive in to something I never thought I would: revisiting miscarriage and giving validation and support to those who needed it. Even if I reached just one person, I had to give it a try. Why? Because I didn't want anyone feeling as alone and isolated as I did after I miscarried.

The Internet wasn't really around when I miscarried, but it was eleven years later. I learned about e-books and wrote a short one about what I went through and steps I took along my journey toward healing after miscarriage. My support site was launched in 2006, and I began receiving comment after comment from women who needed to voice themselves- let it out. They were living the nightmare I'd lived and felt they had no one to talk to. They felt dismissed and found a place where they could be heard by others who’d lived it.

My e-book grew into a paperback with much more added. Dr. Linda Backman, a licensed psychologist and grief counselor wrote a heartfelt foreword and several of the beginning chapters.

I never held you my little one, but I loved you with all my heart. Still do.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: It's Okay To Cry

by Ellen DuBois on 08/15/15



It's okay to cry. I believe God gave us tears so we could release our feelings.

I really believe this. You know the feeling you get when you try to hold back your tears? It's like your stomach is in knots. Your body gets tense. You may get a headache.

In giving yourself permission to cry, you're giving yourself permission to grieve, feel and heal.

Letting your tears fall isn't a bad thing. If you've suffered a loss you're going to feel. I know it hurts. But, I think it hurts more if you don't let the pain out.

Miscarriage is just as real as any other loss. You are entitled to cry, grieve, hurt. You deserve time and space. Eventually, you will heal. I know because I've been there. Healing doesn't mean you'll forget. I don't believe you will. But, there will come a time when you feel more like yourself again. A changed self, but you'll feel more like "you".

Be patient. Go easy on yourself and please give yourself permission to cry.

If I were there I'd had you some tissue and give you a hug.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Love and light,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Bit by bit. Step by step. Miscarriage Support.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/11/15



Hello Everyone,

What a rainy day here in Massachusetts! We need it, though. My flowers are thankful and so is the grass.

As with everything in life, nothing remains the same. Love is constant, but life changes and that is the nature of life.

Much like I know the rain we're having today won't last forever and the sun will be out tomorrow, I know the pain you're experiencing after miscarriage will lessen over time. For some of you, it may not feel that way at all. For others who have had the benefit of time, you may find this to be true. The pain may not be as raw as it was right after your miscarriage.

I remember feeling like the pain would never end. I thought it would rain forever. 

Over time, I began to heal. I can't tell you how long it was before I knew I was on the road to healing. I just know there came a day when I felt more like myself again. I actually recognized myself in the mirror. I smiled more and there were fewer tears. I was able to do more with friends and family. Bit by bit. Step by step. My strength began to return. Those days were building blocks to finding myself again.

Nothing lasts forever- except love. I never forgot my baby or the pain of losing him because of love. I loved my child with all my heart and that love has kept him close to me for twenty-plus years.

That's what the rain made me think about today. I know it's dreary out now. The sky is so gray. But...I know the sun will shine again and I hope those of you who are struggling after miscarriage take heart and know you won't feel this way forever.

You will grieve.

You will heal.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Hurts- Whether You're 17 or 47.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/08/15



Hello everyone,

I received this email from a young lady who just went through a miscarriage. She feels very alone. My heart goes out to her and to all of you who have experienced a miscarriage.


Dear Ellen,

I have just come across your website after 2 months of not knowing where to turn after a miscarriage. I am 17 years old and have a boyfriend of 7 months and we're incredibly close but we're still finding it hard to deal with as we feel we can't tell anyone else. The story starts in April when I got a full time job as a waitress and worked long shifts without breaks. As I didn't have time to regularly drink water I fell ill with a kidney infection and was admitted to hospital and was there for 4 days. I had been on the birth control pill for 2 months by this point but stopped taking it when I went into hospital. Once in hospital they did a compulsory pregnancy test which I wasn't worried about as I was on the pill, and as I expected it came back negative. I felt strange after leaving hospital up until the MC but just put it down to the fact that I was still recovering. I felt abnormally tired and my appetite went through the roof. I can recall the day, 10 days after I left hospital (which was 2 days before the MC), when my boyfriend and I went out for a meal. I ate 4 courses and finished each meal and could have eaten more if I had the money to do so. Later that night I experienced pains in my lower stomach which I'd never experienced before. Sharp and uncomfortable but I put it down to the fact that I ate a lot earlier in the day. Then, 2 days later I woke up feeling really strange. I wouldn't necessarily say I felt ill, but just very strange. I felt down and emotional but the physical feelings were far worse. I felt very heavy, as if I couldn't physically get out of bed and I had strong stomach cramps as if I was about to start a very heavy period. I had tears in my eyes because I generally felt weird. At 6 PM I managed to get out of bed to go have dinner, still feeling extremely heavy. I struggled to walk to the bathroom, and once there I had to hold on to the sink to keep myself up and when I lifted my head to look in the mirror I got a fright because I was scarily pale. My face was white like a ghost which I have never experienced before. Within a few seconds of looking at the mirror I felt something fall from me and my first reaction was to catch it. What I caught in my hands was nothing like I'd seen before. It was a ball sort of shape the size of my palm and felt like jelly. What looked like a greyish mass was covered in red and brown blood. I only looked at it for a couple of seconds before throwing it into the toilet in shock and flushing it immediately. Following this I bled very heavily with strong cramps and noticeable small clots which I don't usually notice when on my period. I was in such shock that I just went downstairs and sat and had dinner without saying a single word. I got back into bed straight after and was welling up with the pain. I stopped bleeding a couple days after, but this may have been due to the fact that I took another birth control pill in panic. As I was in shock and unsure what to do, I waited an entire week before getting a doctors appointment. Once I finally got it, I had no money for a taxi and my boyfriend was at work, so I walked an hour there and back to my appointment alone. As I left it so long I had no evidence of the MC that could be tested to confirm whether that was definitely what happened or not, and I had no idea I was ever pregnant. I told the doctor what happened as if I didn't know that what I experienced was a possible MC so that it didn't sway his diagnosis. He firstly said that it may just be old blood which has clogged up since being on the pill, but then said that it could have been an early complete miscarriage but he cold not give me a definite answer as there was no longer any way of telling. He told me that it was likely that as I was vomiting long before being admitted to hospital that the pill was not working as it should, and I didn't take it at the exact times I should have been due to the awkwardly timed shifts at my workplace. I knew what it was. It was a feeling which I had never experienced before even before I miscarried and I didn't even know I was pregnant. I am sure it was a miscarriage but feel that I cannot grieve as I never had solid proof and a proper diagnosis. I have experienced all stages of grief apart from acceptance, and I have only told my boyfriend about this as I cannot tell my mum or friends. My boyfriend is very supportive but he has his own stresses and I can't keep putting so much pressure on him to help as he doesn't know how either. After 2 months (last week) I got my first period after the MC which I'm not sure is due to the MC or the fact I have come off the pill or the fact that my periods are just irregular. Today I kept getting hot flushes. I felt extremely hot and uncomfortable but had no physical temperature. Thinking it was a kidney infection again my mum took me to a doctor and came to my appointment with me. All of the tests came back clear of infection and the doctor said my symptoms were odd and nothing to do with a kidney infection and my mum was baffled but I could not tell the doctor in front of her what had happened 2 months ago. On the way home my mum said that usually these hot flushes occur when hormonal imbalances occur. Then it all made sense to me that it could be my body adjusting. However, I had the MC 2 months ago and have no idea how long I was pregnant for but it seems strange that it would still affect my body now. I still feel hot and out of the ordinary but cannot get a doctors appointment again as they are all booked and since no one but my boyfriend knows I am unsure where to turn. My boyfriend's parents have just split up and he is very stressed atm and I feel I can't bring this up again while he's having a tough time but don't know how to feel and what's happening with my body etc. What would your advice be to me right now? Apologies for the length of the message it's a very long story!

My response:

I am so sorry for what you've been through both physically and emotionally. Losing a child to miscarriage is difficult whether you're 17 or 47. Loss is and grief is grief. What makes it a bit more difficult for you is not having your parents to talk to or being afraid of talking to them.

I want you to know you are not alone in everything you're feeling. Most people feel very lost, isolated, and confused after miscarriage. It's one of those things in life you just don't know how to react to- and you're never prepared for.

You're grieving the loss of your baby and you doing it alone. That's a lot for anybody to carry. Is there any adult you can talk to about this? Perhaps a counselor or somebody in the clergy that you trust?

I'm also concerned about your health. It's my hope that you go and get checked again. Please tell your doctor exactly what happened to you. I know it's hard, but I believe it's important.

I want to focus on you, your loss, and what you're feeling. When you lose a baby to miscarriage you often feel very alone. Even when you have people to talk to, which is a big help, it's a very isolating feeling. But, your grief will not be this intense forever. I'm not saying that you will forget what happened to you. I don't believe that's possible. But, I have faith you will heal. How? Because I did. Because so many other women and young women who have shared their experiences here have healed, over time. They haven't forgotten, but they've healed. There's a big difference.

We all heal at our own pace, so there isn't a time limit I can place on it. I'm grieving my mother who I lost in January of this year and some days it feels just like it happened yesterday. That's the nature of grief and my faith, family and friends have gotten me through some of the toughest days as they did when I miscarried many years ago.

I'm guessing you're still in high school? Maybe entering your senior year? Again, I wish you would talk to an adult. I'll also suggest talking to a guidance counselor at school. Hopefully there is somebody you trust who can help you through this. And while I can't advise you as a medical doctor or anything of the sort, I will let you know that I am always here whenever you feel the need to write. I will listen and I know how important feel heard was to me after I miscarried. Writing out my feelings helped tremendously after my own miscarriage. I gained a better understanding of myself and what I was going through after I read what I'd written. It's like keeping a journal. You're getting feelings out onto either paper or typing them on to your computer that need to be expressed instead of being held inside.

There is no need to apologize for the length of your email. You had a lot say and I am more than willing to listen.

Again, please get another checkup especially if you're still feeling symptoms like hot flashes etc. Also, know that it's perfectly normal to feel sadness, confusion, and alone after losing your baby to miscarriage. You also went through something very traumatic in your bathroom. Again, this is why I think a professional counselor, for one, would be good for you. I hope it's possible.

One thing I would say to do for yourself is to take things one day at a time and to know you are not alone in this. Allow yourself to feel. If keeping a journal feels right to you, please do it. I still turn to writing, (and to God), when I'm feeling overwhelmed. It really has helped me.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and I'm always here to listen.

Take care of you, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Don't Tell Anyone Who's Miscarried Her Baby Wasn't Real

by Ellen DuBois on 08/05/15



"Please don't tell anyone who's miscarried her baby wasn't 'real'. That's like telling her she was never really pregnant."- Ellen DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage- Even if it's been years.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/28/15



Hello everybody,

I saw a TV clip the other day and it was about women having babies. There were several scenes where different women were giving birth. You could see the joy on their faces as they held their newborn child. It was such a happy picture: a mother, a father and a newborn baby.

Beneath my smile I felt the sting of my miscarriage so long ago. My emotions quickly settled down and I was okay.

The point I'm making is that no matter how long it's been since you have miscarried, you may very well feel the sting like I did. It doesn't make you crazy. It doesn't make you off your rocker or unable to let go. What I think it means is that you deeply loved your unborn baby. You never got to meet your baby. You never experienced gazing into your baby's eyes, smiling at her, rocking her to sleep, changing her, watching her grow. You never held your baby and I never held mine.

I grieved that loss and I have gone on with my life since.

But, I will always remember.

Miscarriage often leaves a very unresolved grief in its wake. Typically, we don't experience closure as we would in other losses we experience. Nobody likes a wake or funeral- I know I don't. I choose to remember their lives, smiles, the way they touched my heart and made me feel. But, wakes and funerals give us some closure, (speaking for myself), even though they can be very difficult to get through. (Trust me, I know. I lost my mother this year and I don't know how I got through it. The only thing I can say is that God and the angels had a hand in it.)

I think it's important to create a way to remember your baby. If you're anything like me and didn't have a funeral or any kind of service for your child, you may be left with unresolved feelings of grief. You may feel like you've been living in a land of limbo because the loss of your child was never really acknowledged or validated.

Your loss mattered and so did your baby. Remembering the way your baby touched your life is important in the healing process. I waited many years to have a very informal ceremony to honor my baby's brief but life-changing stay with me. It made a difference. I wrote a note, released a balloon into the air, read the note out loud and watched the balloon as it sailed up into a sea of clouds surrounded by blue skies. I felt closure. I felt like I made a statement to my baby and to myself that said you were real, you counted, you were loved. My best friend was with me. Just the two of us.

So even if it's been years since your miscarriage, don't be afraid to find a way to honor your baby's life and give yourself some closure. You may do something similar to what I did or something entirely different. It doesn't matter what you do as long as you follow your heart. Some people plant trees in honor of their little ones while others gather in groups. Some have a special place in their house where they display something in honor of their baby. (I also have a special Christmas ornament I had made.) There is no right or wrong way to honor your baby's life. I think what matters most is that you do it if you feel it's something that would benefit you.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



MiscarriageHelp.com
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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery



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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.





Baby Remembrance Bracelets.









I Never Held You also available at Barnes and Noble.



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