MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage: Just Because I Never Held You, Doesn’t Mean I Didn’t Love You

by Ellen DuBois on 04/19/14



 

Just Because I Never Held You, Doesn’t Mean I Didn’t Love You. Journeys Through Grief Newsletter Blog

Miscarriage: Feeling Sad, Empty, Confused, Like a Failure.

by Ellen DuBois on 04/12/14



This is some email correspondence from a woman who suffered her second miscarriage in March of this year. She's feeling very empty, sad, confused. My heart goes out to her, and to everyone who has gone through the painful journey after miscarriage.

Hi I'm "T". I suffered a second miscarriage on march, 27, 2014 . I was 19 weeks with twin boys and my water broke while at work. My first miscarriage ended at 6 weeks in August 2013.I'm so lost now. I feel empty and confused. I did everything I could to have a successful pregnancy. All I do in lay in bed and cry. I feel ashamed to talk to family and friends. My husband and two other children was so hurt by this miscarriage. It hurts me wrost to see them cry. I want to be pregnant do bad now. I feel the only way to move on it to have a baby. Any advice will help. I have no friends or family that have had a miscarriage. This is new to all of us. I feel like a failure.


(From me) Dear "T"

I am so, so sorry for your losses. You've gone through so much and it's even more difficult when you don't have someone to talk to.

I'm not a doctor, but I am someone who has lived through the pain of miscarriage. I know the tears and how deep the hurt goes. (((Hugs to you))) Too many women know.

Right now, you're grieving the loss of your babies. It's hard to think clearly yet, it's easy to blame yourself. You're not a failure, in any way. This tragic loss was not your fault and I hope you can believe this. You've done nothing to be ashamed of. I used to blame myself/feel like I failed, too. But, slowly I began to accept that it wasn't my fault.

I know how badly you want to become pregnant again. There's an emptiness inside. I understand that. The thing is, I believe you need time for you. Time to grieve and heal. Time to feel like yourself again. I know you'll never forget your babies. They will always be a part of you. But, there's a lot of healing to go through and I hope you give yourself the time you need.

So many women and their families feel like there's no closure after a miscarriage(s). Often, there's no 'goodbye' and it feels like the world expects you to move on with your life fairly quickly.

That can make you feel even more alone. Please know you're not. I know it feels like you are, but there are so many of us who care about what you're going through and understand what you're feeling.

I don't know if you're able to talk to anyone, like a grief counselor, but I think it would help. If you're not able to, or if it's not the right thing for you, maybe you could write your feelings down in a journal. It often helps just to get out whatever you're feeling onto paper, (or the computer). Keeping it all inside is so hard. There are so many emotions that need to be set free.

If you cry while your doing it, let the tears fall. I don't want to see you cry, but I also know the tears need to come out.

I'm here, too. If you ever want to email me, please know the door is open.

I don't how you feel about having a memorial for your babies. You could plant something just for them or write your babies and read it out loud. Whatever feels right in your heart is the right thing for you. When you honor your babies in this way, it helps give you some closure and that helps you heal. It's a step- if it feels right to you. There's no right or wrong here. I'm just sharing some ideas with you.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers- your whole family. Please hang in there and try to believe you will come out on the other side of all this pain. One day at a time.

God Bless you and yours,

Ellen

"T" says: Thanks for the encouragement. I'm going to try to take it one day at a time. I feel comfort just lying in bed and not dealing with the world. I don't leave the house or talk to friends like I use to because of my shame. I'm praying to God to give me strength even tho I was angry with him. This week has been hard because my husband went back to work and I feel so alone. I rather just sleep all day then deal with my emotions. I think I will plant a tree in the babies memory. Thanks Mrs. Ellen for listening."


(From me)

Hi "T",

Right now, if you need to rest and just 'be', that's what to do. The pain is still so raw and it's a lot to wrap your head around. Having your husband go back to work must be scary because even if you didn't talk much about it, just knowing he was around was probably comforting.

You know, I questioned God a lot. I think it's a natural thing to do. A lot of women (and men), go through a time when they feel God has let them down or they feel angry at God. I believe it's something so many of us have had to work through- myself included. Over time I needed God to pull me through it. I know how confusing it can be to pray to God while you're wondering how he could have allowed this. There was a time when I thought that way and relate. My thinking has changed, but it's been a long time for me. I'll always be here to listen. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Take care of you & sending much love and light-

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage- It's not about what "they" think.

by Ellen DuBois on 04/07/14



Sometimes, people have opinions on how you should grieve.

Please remember: It's not about what "they" think. It's about you- your grief, your time, your healing.- Ellen M. DuBois


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Think of you often & feel your spirit near.

by Ellen DuBois on 04/04/14



You know, sometimes it's hard to believe so many years have gone by since my miscarriage. My son would have been twenty-two. That's a long time.

When I was buried in grief to the point I couldn't see much of anything else, thinking of the baby I lost set me into a tailspin. It was horrible and I'm sure many of you can relate. I'm so sorry if you can.

Over time I began to heal. I think the emptiness left in the wake of my miscarriage will always be there. But, my reaction to my thoughts has changed. I'm comforted by my baby's presence. I feel his spirit near me, around me, and believe my child's soul is very, very real.

I wish you much love and comfort and am deeply sorry for your loss. Please know you are not alone and there is hope. You will get through this. You will find yourself again. And I pray you feel your baby's loving spirit embrace your heart.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: My Car Became My Sanctuary

by Ellen DuBois on 03/31/14



Hello. I was just thinking about how many women, (myself included), seem to live in fear after miscarriage. I did. I was afraid of everything. Like what? Well, I was afraid I'd never feel normal again, or be myself. My anxiety attacks scared the crap out of me and I had a lot of them. I was fearful of bursting into tears at the most inopportune times. Basically, I was frightened all the time and it lasted a good year or so after my miscarriage.

I didn't feel right- physically, emotionally or spiritually. I liken it to being stuck on pause while the rest of the world was on fast forward.

My car became a sanctuary of sorts. I drove a lot back then and when I was in my car, there were no distractions. It was me - and God. I thought a lot when I drove and the tears I fought so hard to hold back during the day typically fell while I was driving. I don't know if that's a good thing because, well, I had to focus on the road. But, there was nobody questioning my grief or my tears. There were no comments or remarks that, although said with the best of intentions, hurt. I could just be me when I was in my car, running mascara and all.

I think my car is still a sanctuary, or a safe place, today. When I drive I still feel the freedom to feel whatever I'm feeling. Maybe I just need quiet and I can find it in my car. Perhaps, I just need to be alone for a while and sort things out without the distraction of my computer, or the laundry, or the dust bunnies I need to catch, the vacuumming I feel compelled to do, the dinner to plan, and so on...

I think we all need a place, be it your car of some place else, where you can just be with yourself and not answer to anyone for a while. So, if you're feeling like your emotions never have the chance to come out for whatever the reason(s), you may want to go for a drive or take a walk or create a "safe" space that's just for you to sit and be, feel and heal.

Light and love to you, and I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: "I wish more people asked how I am doing."

by Ellen DuBois on 03/27/14



Hello,

This is part of another email conversation & my response. To all who have suffered a miscarriage, or more than one, I am so sorry for your loss.

"I wish my friends cared more. I wish more people asked how i am doing, and cared for the answer,you know? A few of the people I felt like were some of my closest friends don't even know how hurt i still am. I have gained a few very close new friends but I feel like I have lost so much and so Many people. Maybe when I become more like "me" they will come back. I sometimes feel like others are bored with my grief."- "N"

My response:
"You know, I think talking to someone you don't know personally is easier in some ways, especially when you know they've been through it, too. As far as faults, we all have them, right? Someone's true colors really show when the going gets tough. Do they walk away or make every effort to stay and try to understand? I've learned actions speak much louder than any words every could.

I feel sad about your friends pulling away, but also have come to know that those who are your true friends will be there. They may not know what to say or do, but they'll be there in some capacity. Back when I miscarried, I know my friend's lives moved on after my miscarriage, as did  the lives of those in my family. But, my friend's listened to me as did my sister's, etc. Over time I didn't talk about it as much to them, but I still did. I didn't want to go out as much and that's just how it was. My life was at a very different point and other than work, I stuck pretty close to home. It took time.

I remember feeling like most of "the world" didn't understand me or had moved forward while I remained "stuck on pause". My perception was skewed, too- about myself and the world. Everything seemed different and to me, it was. As I reflect back, I realize the trees that stood were the same trees both before and after my miscarriages. The sky, sun, moon were all the same. I changed. I was up to my eyes in sadness and nothing, including myself, felt the same. I have a feeling you can relate to this. When I finally felt more like me again, the trees, the sky, sun and moon looked as they did before. But, it took time, and I never forgot my child or the pain of losing him.

I'm rambling and don't know if what I just said makes any sense!

Anyway, I wish you a day filled with healing, more smiles than tears and comfort and peace in your soul."


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Finding your Way. Finding Yourself.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/26/14



I've been exchanging emails with a young woman who has suffered two miscarriages. She's shared and so have I. The pain she's feeling is something I'd never dismiss. I remember how much it hurt and how my world changed after my miscarriage. It's a scary place and so often, you don't remember where "you" went. Life takes on a new normal, and it's not one you particularly like.

However, as you travel the path of grief to healing, you slowly begin to recognize yourself. It takes time, and we're all different. But, it happens. Please keep the faith if you're feeling like it never will.

Out of an email today came the this thought I wanted to share:

"You never forget, but in the process of grieving and healing, you come to a place where you look in the mirror and finally recognize the face looking back at you."- Ellen M. DuBois

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light
Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Feeling It's Your Fault. Overwhelmed.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/20/14



I received an email from a woman who just miscarried over the weekend. My thoughts and prayers are with her. Here's what she said & my response:

She says: "Hi Ellen. I just had a miscarriage this past weekend. It started Saturday morning and by Sunday morning it was official. I've never had one before and this would've been our third child. It's been almost four days and I have now finally broken down. I have kept it in to stay strong for our other children but I have completely broken down tonight. I haven't been able to eat this week and I am really afraid that I won't be able to get my kids off to school by myself. My husband is going back to work. I'm so upset and depressed about it all. I haven't been able to tell my parents yet either. They've been on a cruise and it happened on my dad's birthday. I'm so upset. Why do I feel like it's all my fault? What did I do? I'm so lost!!"



Dear H, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know the pain, and it must be very difficult trying to put on a 'normal' face for your children. You're grieving the loss of your child and I believe the tears just had to come out.

Like you, I was very depressed after I miscarried. Please know you're not alone in this. I found the more I held my feelings in, the more anxious/depressed I got. So, allowing your tears to fall isn't a bad thing- at least that's how I see it. By giving yourself permission to feel, you're opening the door to healing- even if it's only just a crack.

Feeling like it's your fault is, from everything I've been through and read from others, is a normal thing, although it's not true. It's as if you feel your body failed, or you did something, sometime, to make this happen. You didn't, and I know that may be difficult to believe right now. I hope you're able to reach a place where you'll believe your miscarriage was not your fault. When you blame yourself, it makes things even harder than they already are. I know you'll get past it, but we're all different and you'll do it in your own time/way.

Right now, all you can do is take one day at a time and your best is good enough. For some, keeping a journal helps because you're releasing your emotions. As time goes by, you may find you want to do something to remember your baby- planting a tree, wearing a special piece of jewelry, having an ornament made, whatever feels right to you.

For now, please try to go easy on yourself. Treat yourself like you would a best friend who miscarried. You deserve and need love, compassion and time to heal.

If you ever want to email me again, I'm here.

Take care of you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Give Yourself Permission to Heal.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/16/14



This is my response to a comment I received recently:

I am so sorry for your losses. You've been through so much and my heart and prayers go out to you.

You're grieving and you've been though the trauma of seeing your little ones after you miscarried. That's a lot to handle. Please, don't ever be afraid to talk or write. Someone hears you and cares very much. I'm one of those people.

You've been grieving the loss of two babies and all the hopes and dreams you had for your babies. Of course you're not the same. I believe you will heal, but there will always be a place in your heart for your babies. However, right now I hope the focus can be on you and your healing. It's so important for you to take the time you need. I know it must be hard to find time for yourself because while caring for your beautiful daughter. When you do have some time alone, it may be a good idea to keep a journal and write down what you're feeling. i know you said you don't want people close to you knowing how you feel. But, writing down your feelings, even if it's just for you to see, is helpful in getting your feelings out. It can be painful, but after you do it it can also be very comforting. When you let some of your emotions spill onto paper, you free up room inside and can come to a better understanding of yourself, your emotions, grief, all of it.

It helps you to heal.

Just an idea I wanted to toss your way. I wrote a lot after I miscarried.

With spring coming, you may want to do something to give yourself some closure- something to remember your two beautiful babies. It may be planting a little tree in their memory, etc. Whatever feels right to you. I know this helps because I did it, many years later. I am always reminded of my little one & how much I still love him when it blooms and grows each year.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. I know you're struggling right now and I want you to know you don't have to be so alone.

One day at a time. Sending you big (((hugs))) of support and love.

Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- "Angel Wings"

by Ellen DuBois on 03/13/14



At the ending of the day when I'm weary, after a waterfall of tears have all been cried- and I'm feeling like the skies will always be dreary- nothing's there to fill the emptiness inside. I lay my head upon my favorite pillow- just close my eyes to block all the sorrow- wonderin' where I'll ever find the strength inside- to do it all again- tomorrow.

And then I feel it- inside me. I feel it- around me. Like a gentle hand just wiped away the tears- and held me close to wash away my fears. It's you, my angel, watching over me. And I know no matter what tomorrow brings, You'll be here to wrap me in your angel wings- your lovin' angel wings.

The sun comes up, it's time to face the day- and I think that things are going to be all right- But as the day wears on my nerves begin to fray- I feel the hollowness that creeps in every night. And like clockwork all the tears begin to fall- As I look at my reflection in the glass- the eyes looking back at me make me feel small- and I ask, my God, how long's this going to last? And then I feel it- inside me. I feel it- around me. Like a gentle hand just wiped away the tears- and held me close to wash away my fears. It's you, my angel, watching over me. And I know no matter what tomorrow brings, You'll be here to wrap me in your angel wings- your lovin' angel wings. (Thank God for your angel wings) © Ellen M. DuBois

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Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- You will always be a part of me.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/10/14



You will always be a part of me. You're in the air I breathe, the vibrance of the leaves, the glimmering of the dew, the warmth of the sun, the song of the birds, the beating of my heart. You're a part of everything I see, feel, touch.



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp- Planting a tree in memory of your little one.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/06/14



Many women feel there's nothing to show for the baby they loved and lost to miscarriage. They often feel a lack of closure, yet, they still grieve and need time to heal after such a devastating loss. Many women who have miscarried feel like their loss is invisible. It's sad and can be extremely isolating, making the road to healing more difficult.

One suggestion I have is to plant a tree, (or something else), in honor of your baby's brief, but life changing stay with you. It doesn't have to be big and you can go with what your heart tells you. I planted a baby rose bush instead of a tree. Each year when it blooms, I am reminded of the love I'll always have for my little one in Heaven. I smile when I see the first bud. I know, just as the little rose bush lives on and grows, so does my baby in Heaven. It's very comforting.

Here's a picture of my baby rose bush, in memory of Alex. It was so tiny when I planted it several years ago. Each year, it gets bigger and more beautiful.



With spring coming, I was inspired to share this with you. It's the perfect time, (if it feels right to you), to think about planting a special "something" in honor of your special baby.

To all who have miscarried, I am deeply sorry for your loss. You're all in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light, Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: You never know how much comfort your words will bring.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/03/14



"Dear Ellen, I just wanted to tell you how much your email has meant to me. When I first discovered I was pregnant my husband surprised me with a charm for my bracelet. a silver stork carrying a baby. I haven't worn it since the miscarriage and I didn't have the heart to remove the charm. I found a tiny silver angel wing to place on the bracelet and I think I may be able to wear it again. I came up with this idea after reading your email. I just wanted to thank you for your kind words. J"

I communicate with a lot of people about their feelings after miscarriage. Most of it's in the form of a reply to a blog post or an email. It's important that I spend time doing this because I understand how lonely and sad you feel after such a loss. I 'get' how so many people seem to brush your grief off so quickly- expecting you to 'get over it' in a hurry. I was there and if there's any way I can help someone by acknowledging their loss & validating their grief, I'll do it.

I'm not a doctor or an expert of any sort. I'm simply a woman who, many years ago, miscarried. I felt like the rug was ripped from under my feet and nobody was there to catch my fall. There were some very loving people around me, but they didn't get it or me because they hadn't lived it. I couldn't fault them for that.

In the late 1990's the Internet really began to take off. This was several years after my miscarriage. Support groups and chat rooms for just about everything began springing up like the flowers we are so patiently waiting for, (now that it's March). A whole new method of communication was born and with it, people could reach out to each other. People connected. People who lived the same experiences were able to share with others and began to lift the heavy load of emotion from their chests.

In 2006, MiscarriageHelp.com was created as the companion site to my book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. I've been reading and answering posts and emails ever since, and I am so grateful to have the opportunity to do so. Knowing I helped someone, even if it was just a little, does my heart and soul good. I'm passionate about letting people know they're not as alone as they feel because after a miscarriage, after losing your precious baby, you feel like you're in a pit of "aloneness". It's scary, beyond sad and many women wonder if they'll ever get out.

I got an email a couple of days ago from a woman I'd replied to. Her words mean a great deal to me. You never know how much comfort your words will bring.

Maybe your words, your caring, is helping someone who desperately needs to be heard.

Love and Light to you, Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: It's okay to ask how I'm doing.

by Ellen DuBois on 02/25/14



It seems like people are afraid to ask how a woman is doing after a miscarriage. I felt that way years ago. It was like my whole world was rocked, but nobody else felt the quake.

Maybe it's fear. Perhaps it's not knowing how to answer or how to help. Maybe it's because miscarriage, in many cases, still isn't considered to be a 'real' loss and that's, well...untrue.

To those who have miscarried, you know how real of a loss it is. We know we've lost a baby we loved and had plans for. We grieve just as with any other loss. We feel the emptiness where there once was a dream.

We also need comfort. Women who suffer miscarriage often feel very isolated because they feel like they're swimming against the tide. It's exhausting. To feel such pain only to have it dismissed is troubling, (to say the least).

If you know someone who has miscarried, please don't be afraid to ask how she's doing. She may need to hear those words, more than you can imagine. You may be her saving grace on a day when she feels very alone in her pain.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Miscarriage: Allow Yourself to Feel

by Ellen DuBois on 02/23/14



Hello,

You're probably here because you've suffered a miscarriage, or more than one. I am so sorry for your loss.

There are so many emotions felt after a miscarriage. It's often difficult to sort through them. Life feels, at lest temporarily, out of control.

I learned that allowing myself to feel, regardless of what anyone thought, was critical to my well being after my own miscarriage. It took getting sick for me to realize how keeping things pent up only leads to a more difficult road. All those tears kept inside need to be let out. The letter you want to write to your baby needs to be written. Time to be alone, think, feel, cry, talk to your baby- it's all so important as you traverse the rocky path after miscarriage.

You won't stay in this place forever. It might feel like you will, but you won't. I guess the irony of it is you have to allow yourself to feel the pain, to set it free, in order to heal and allow joy back into your life.

While I don't think it's possible to forget,  I do believe it's possible to heal.

Allow yourself to feel.

God Bless,

Ellen



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Living Through the Darkness

by Ellen DuBois on 02/17/14



If you're here, chances are you've suffered a miscarriage. If that's the case, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the heartache.

The emptiness.

The longing...

Reflecting back on those first days after my miscarriage, I see a young woman who felt numb, detached, sick, afraid. From the moment I knew my baby was gone, my entire world was rocked to its core. Everything I saw was skewed. Even colors appeared different, as if cloaked with a gray, heavy, wet piece of guaze.

I went into quite a tailspin after losing my son. I was twenty five, sixteen and a half weeks pregnant and suddenly that same twenty five year old was shattered. I had to say goodbye to my baby and didn't want to. I had to live with my baby still inside of me until the D&C. I had to kiss the dreams of our first Thanksgiving and Christmas as a family goodbye along with a treasure chest of more dreams.

Let go? I didn't want to let go, but life was forcing my hand.

I wept and nobody could console me. I remember waking up after my D&C. I never took well to anesthesia. The minute my eyes opened, I threw up and because of the procedure, my gown became drenched with blood with the sudden jerking of my body.

Although I was dazed, I was well aware of what happened. I didn't speak, but heard a kind nurse assure me it was okay and she began cleaning me up.

God, it was awful.

At home, I was a heap of tears, tissues and had zip for energy.

I wanted to wake up from the nightmare, but I was awake. It was my life. Sleep was the only thing that buffered the blow and it was difficult to sleep. My mind kept churning. I replayed the day I found out my baby had no heartbeat in my mind over and over again.

It took a lot of time, faith, grieving, crying, letting it out, crying some more and then some before I could even begin to crawl out of the dark hole I was in. Feeling like nobody quite got what I was going through didn't help.

So, when I was up to it, I searched the bookstores for something to assure me I was normal for feeling like I did. I grew very tired after coming up empty handed. To say it sucked is an understatement.

My world was dark. My relationship with my husband was dark. The world felt dark and I wondered how I'd live through all the darkness.

Somehow, I did. It was not easy. My marriage ended less than two years after my miscarriage, throwing me into yet another tailspin.

I survived. I talked to a counselor and it helped. I got through my divorce and although I was shaken by all the panic attacks I was experiencing, I got through them, too.

You know, you are normal if you're feeling like you're sitting in some sort of bottomless pit, wondering where the light of day is. You're normal if one minute you feel "kind of sort of okay" and the next you're breaking down into a heap of tears. You are normal if you think about your baby and wonder what went wrong. You're normal if you can't stand the thought of being around a pregnant woman, even if she's a friend or relative. You're not a bad person, you're a woman in pain and being around someone who is pregant just makes you remember...everything.

I want you to try and believe, as hard as it might seem, that you'll get through this. You will come out on the other side. I won't lie to you and give you a time frame. We are all different and grieve in our own way and in our own time. You will, however, get through this and I know, if you're feeling anything like I did all those years ago, it's very hard for you to believe you'll feel anything close to how you used to feel. It's hard to believe you'll ever laugh again or breathe a nice deep, relaxed breath without your chest feeling so tight you're going to explode.

God, I've been there and I'm so, so sorry if you're there right now. I wish I could wipe away your tears and hug away some of your pain. I wish, I wish.

What I can do is share some of my journey after my own miscarriage, as I did here. I can revisit a time when I was so afraid...of everything. I can tell you I questioned God, myself, asked "why" a thousand times. I reveal this part of my life to you because I want you to know you are not alone and you're also not crazy or abnormal or anything of the sort.

You are a woman who has lost her baby and is grieving. And, guess what? You have every right to grieve no matter what anyone else thinks or says or does. You have the right to feel and need time to heal.

You will live through the darkness and come out on the other side. You will survive this time in your life and I'd be willing to say you wonder, sometimes, if you will.

You will. Reach out. Ask for help. Reach up. Ask God for a hand. Reach for a pen, or sit in front of your computer and get those feelings out so you can free up some space in your body, mind and soul for healing.

It's a tough journey, but I assure you, it will get better and your little one will always be near.

I know. My little one got me through so many tough times.

Looking back, I think he was so much of my strength, pulling me through the darkness.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

 



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Your new reality after miscarriage.

by Ellen DuBois on 02/16/14



I just received this comment from a woman who recently suffered a miscarriage. My thoughts and prayers are with her:


I am the mother of a seven year old. I just finished nursing school and am waiting to take my boards. I was 6 weeks and 5 days when I micarried with no warning last Saturday. It was a planned pregnancy. I woke last Saturday at 4:30 in the morning with spotting. I went back to bed and at 8:30 a.m. I woke with mild cramps I called the office of my midwife and the answering service paged her for me. My midwife told me to take it easy and have her paged again if I started to bleed or cramp more. At 4:30 p.m. the cramps were a little worse and I went to the restroom. I had my miscarriage alone in my bathroom. I fell to my knees in my kitchen after calling the midwife. I have never felt this pain before, my body failed me. My Husband picked me up and brought me to the e.r. there was nothing that could be done. It was a complete miscarriage. I tried to explain to my son the following day and he asked me "why did God decide he wanted our Baby back?" I replied by telling him that God had a very good reason and that we just don't understand right now. I told him that one day in Heaven we could ask him but until then we needed to trust that he knew best and that was called Faith. Now when I think of the tiny life that we lost I think of it as "Faith". So many people have meant well over the past week and have ended up saying things that have hurt me. I am just trying to get through this. I still want to try again later but I am terrified of the possibility of losing another baby. There will never be a baby to replace Faith and I know that. I am simply trying to make sense of my new reality.

My response:

I am so sorry for your loss. Precious, little Faith- what a beautiful name.

There are so many emotions to sift through after a miscarriage. Having to explain it to your son must have been so difficult, but I am in awe of your response.

One day at a time is the only way to get through this. There's so much to digest. You're grieving the loss of your little one and all the hopes, wishes, plans and dreams you had for your baby Faith. I hope you're able to give yourself the time you need to heal. You sound very busy being a mother, waiting to take your boards, etc. If there's a time you feel like you're going to 'lose it' but can't, (let's say in the middle of the grocery store, at work, school, etc.), you may want to promise yourself some time to let it out. I found it helped me and wanted to share it to you.

Making sense of your new reality is a tough one. I remember how different the world looked and felt after my miscarriage. My life was changed and for a while I felt very isolated and sad. In time I healed. Right now, time probably feels different to you, too. Sometimes it drags on. Sometimes it passes so quickly you don't know where it went, or how you got through it.

There will come a day when you'll feel more like "you" again. I can't pinpoint when it'll happen, but it will. The fear of losing another baby is something I've heard a lot and I certainly understand it. It's very scary and you'd never want to live this kind of pain again. But, when you're ready to try again, I believe your heart and God will guide you. I've learned God's timing is so much different than mine. I'm not trying to sound 'preachy'. Again, just sharing.

Many years after my miscarriage I bought a necklace with baby footprints on it to honor my little one's brief stay with me. It meant a lot when I got it and still does. I had something 'tangible' that spoke to the world. When people asked about my necklace, I'd tell them why I got it. I felt my loss was validated and acknowledged. So many treat miscarriage as a nonevent, when in fact, it's anything but. Since MiscarriageHelp.com's beginnings nearly eight years ago, I've learned so many things from the people who email me. Women, (mostly), have taught me that doing things like having a memorial service for your baby, or doing something like planting a tree, etc., gives you the closure you need. When I miscarried, it wasn't suggested or even talked about. So, doing things that feel right to you when you're ready, i.e., planting a tree in Faith's name, wearing a necklace in memory of her, having a beautiful Christmas ornament made, (I just did that with my son's name on it and it's beautiful), really helps in validating your loss and providing you with some closure. (If you look at my blog posts on MiscarriageHelp.com, you'll see the Christmas ornament I had made for my son, Alex).

There are so many steps you'll take on your path to healing. I know you'll never forget Faith, nor should anyone expect you too. I want you to know I'm here to listen if you ever feel like 'letting it out'.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage. The Ache. The Faith.

by Ellen DuBois on 02/15/14



"I know you're loved, held & cared for. I just wish I could be the one doing it. Thank you, God, for taking such good care of my baby and for giving me the strength to get through the days without my little one."- Ellen M. DuBois

After my miscarriage:

 

It took time for me to know my baby was alive and well in heaven. It took time to wrap my head around our undying connection. It took time and a lot of tears to arrive at a place where I took comfort in knowing my baby was with God-

and with me.

I had to climb the mountain of grief, loss, pain, jealousy, angst- you name it- before I could begin to feel anything but grief, loss, pain, jealousy, angst.

Miscarriage is a very real loss, but many don't treat it as such. I know it made my journey toward healing and recovery more difficult. I just wanted my loss validated.

I felt my faith being tested. In the end, it won. I'll always wonder what it would have been like to have my son, watch him grow, be there for all the 'firsts'. But, I know he has been well cared for by God & the angels. I know my baby's been with me on each step of my journey.

My baby touched my life profoundly.

To all those who have suffered a miscarriage(s), I am so sorry for your loss and I pray you find comfort in knowing your baby is always around you in spirit and in love.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Five Miscarriages. Violated. A lot of Healing.

by Ellen DuBois on 02/10/14

I am 24 years old and I have 5 angels. Alexis Faith, Emmelyn Grace, Aidan John, Ethan Charles, and Addelyn Rose. I was 15 when I got pregnant as a result of incest caused by my uncle. That is when I was pregnant with Alexis. She was born prematurely at 23 weeks and lived for one glorious hour. I sat there and held her and cried and told her I loved her. Then shortly before I turned 20, I was raped by a friends brother. That was Emmelyn Grace, and I was 17 weeks when I lost her. Aidan John was also a result of rape the same year I lost Emmelyn and I was 11 weeks with him. And then this year, in September I found out u was pregnant with Ethan and I couldn't be more excited. But I was only 8 weeks when I lost him. In December I found out I was pregnant with Addelyn and I was so careful, just like before, but even more so now because I didn't feel my heart could handle anymore pain. But in Christmas morning, at 8 weeks, I lost her anyway... My heart is breaking and I have no one to talk to and I don't know what to do with myself anymore... I feel so lost and confused. I am told I wi never be able to have kids. How am I supposed to handle that at only 24 years old when I have my whole life ahead of me?



Dear "A"

I am so sorry for your losses and for the very painful path you've been on. You must be overwhelmed. You've been through so much at such a young age.

You're grieving the loss of five babies. That alone is a tremendous amount to heal from. You've also been raped, as a child, and I can't imagine the scars that's left with you. I am so, so sorry.

While I'm not a doctor of any kind, I am here to listen and offer you all the support you need. You do have your whole life ahead of you, you're right. I know you're scared because you've been told you can't have any children. I know that feeling for different reasons and it is scary.

But, let me back up.

I believe you need to heal from your grief and from the pain of being raped before anything else. I think you're so full of pain and fear right now there's no room for you to begin to move forward. The only way to open yourself and your life into a forward motion is to take the time to focus on you and your healing. YOU matter. Your babies matter. Your wounds matter.

I don't know if you've ever talked to a counselor, but I think I'd have to if I had such a heavy load to carry. I don't know if it's possible for you or if it feels right. But, if there's any way you can talk to someone you trust, who will listen with their whole self, I hope you do so. Sometimes, talking to someone we don't know personally is the best thing because they only have you and your best interests at heart. There's not a history with that person and it's often easier to say what you need to, no matter what.

You may have tried this already. I don't know. But, I wanted to put it out there.

I don't know if you've ever had any kind of memorial for your little ones, but if you feel there's been no closure, it might help you. You could do something easy but very meaningful like planting a tree in their memory or wearing a special piece of jewelry made just for them. I had a beautiful Christmas ornament made with the name of my son on it. It is simply beautiful and means a great deal to me. These things may sound small, but they aren't. They allow you to validate your losses and express how real and how loved your babies were and will be forever.

I would suggest you get a second opinion of having more children, but I'd wait to do it. I'd wait until you feel better and more healed from all you've been through. Allow yourself to just be and pick up the pieces of your life. You can do it, it just takes time.

If you pray, ask the angels to help you. Ask them to guide you, to protect you and to help you heal. If it feels right, you'll know it. If it's not for you, that's okay, too. We're all different.

Yet, we are all connected and the same when it comes to feeling the pain of miscarriage and needing some support. I'm right here whenever you need to talk.

Please take care of you, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage Help: "Please help me."

by Ellen DuBois on 02/02/14



I received this message today. My heart goes out to her. She's suffered two miscarriages, the last being just two days ago.

"Hi Ellen; I ask you help me. It was happened to me two times. the last time was 2 days ago. Please help me. Best Regards, H"

Dear H,

I am so sorry for your losses. Two miscarriages is a lot to bear. It's only been two days since your last one and my heart goes out to you.

Right now, I have a pretty good idea at how you're feeling- at least I can relate because I know how I felt.

I hope there are people, at least one person, you can reach out to for support. If not, please know you can email me anytime. When people don't quite understand how deep your pain runs, it's a very isolating feeling.

Please take one day at a time. Healing and grieving is different for everyone. The thing is, letting the pain out is so important. If you keep it all inside, it hurts even more.

Sometimes, people write down their feelings, when they're ready. If keeping a journal helps you, it's a good thing. After some time has passed, you may want to have a memorial for your little one. Maybe for both of your babies. So often we don't have any feelings of closure after miscarriage. It feels like the whole world didn't recognize how much we loved our babies. I've always felt that just because your baby wasn't seen, doesn't mean you baby wasn't loved.

Please take care of yourself and allow yourself to feel. While I'm not a doctor, I have lived through it and know your feeling matter. You matter. Your little babies matter.

I'm here whenever you need me.

Sending you love and prayers,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen



MiscarriageHelp.com
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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Ellen M. DuBois
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. (There's a link at the top of this page and right below this). Love & comfort to you, Ellen


I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some nineteen years ago). Every time I searched through the maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one-especially not to miscarriage. What about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?- Ellen M. DuBois"

MiscarriageHelp.com is your safe place to share your feelings after miscarriage. Share your feelings, gain support. I am here for you, we are all here for you.

Your miscarriage and all the feelings associated with your loss are real. Your baby was real. I know your pain, and want to help as much as I can. You are heard and cared about here-- and by no means are you alone. I know sometimes it feels like you are, but we, the women and families who have suffered the emotional pain after miscarriage are walking beside you with empathy and understanding.

I've been the Host of MiscarriageHelp.com since 2006, and there are hundreds of posts to read, along with my responses and those of others who opened their hearts - offering support, words of love, hope and so much more.

On this first page, you will find posts from this point onward. Miscarriage posts from 2006-2010, (prior to MiscarriageHelp's new location) are in the "Posts" links in the menu. If you feel ready to open your mind, heart and spirit, please share whatever you're feeling on this page. You'll find the area to post above, (on this page).

There is no right or wrong way to feel after miscarriage. Believe me, I've run the emotional spectrum, as so many of us have after miscarriage.

Please post your comments in the blog or email me. I will answer each and every one of your posts.

Much Love and Light to you, and loads of support. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Ellen

I Never Held You

Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery

By Ellen M. DuBois, Dr. Linda R. Backman Ed.D

I Never Held You speaks to the heart of women, their families and friends who have either lived through the pain & grief after miscarriage, or who want to better support someone who has. Author Ellen M. DuBois shares her own painful journey after miscarriage taking you from her darkest moments of grief, despair, isolation, anxiety, fear and depression to the steps she took towards healing and recovery. Her suggestions prove to be helpful in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after suffering such a heartbreaking loss. I Never Held You validates your grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, and assures you that you're not alone in your struggle. With the help of contributing author Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief- and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for help and support after miscarriage, or want to help someone how has miscarried, this is the book for you. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com
Click here to order your copy.

Click here to visit Amazon.com for Ellen's miscarriage book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1) .

Suffering from Panic Attacks? You are not alone. There is help.





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