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Miscarriage and Mother's Day, Bittersweet

by Ellen DuBois on 03/28/15



 

"Mother's Day can be bittersweet for those who have miscarried or suffered the loss of a child. You may want to celebrate, yet your heart is grieving. May you find some peace in the middle."- Ellen M. DuBois

I get it. I really do.

Thoughts and prayers with you all,
Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: It Rocked My World and it Hurt.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/27/15



Please don't feel like you can't ask me how I'm doing because I miscarried. It's like not asking a person who recently lost a son, daughter or parent, how they're doing. When you don't ask how I'm doing, it feels like my loss is insignificant to you, and it's anything but.

It rocked my world and I hurt.
- Ellen M. DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Trying To Be At Peace

by Ellen DuBois on 03/24/15



A says:

Ellen - I lost my baby at 11 weeks 4 days last Friday March 13, 2015. Every day since, my mind is filled with "what ifs" and I can't seem to calm down. What do you suggest I do to be at peace with nature's decision to take my baby from me? I want to try again but I worry our next child will be taken too, or I won't be able to get pregnant again. Please help.


Ellen says:

Dear Ally,

I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there were some easy answer to what you're going through. I can tell you I felt very much like you're feeling now after I miscarried. What I learned over time is that all the what ifs and could have beens didn't change anything. I had to grieve the loss of my baby and that meant allowing myself to feel. I'd venture to say you're going through the same thing.

I know grief is different for all of us. We grieve in our own way and time. I think what's most important is allowing yourself to do so. Give yourself the time and space you need to heal.

The more you allow yourself to feel, the closer you will come to a certain calmness entering your life again. I guess a better way to put it is you'll begin to feel like yourself. You'll be changed, because that's what loss does. I think any loss changes us in a way. You heal, but you don't forget. I don't think it's possible to forget.

But, it is possible to move forward with your life. I pray you have a very healthy baby one day and I know there will always be a special place in your heart for the one who stayed with you for a brief time, but touched your heart forever.

I believe being patient with yourself as you travel this road is very important. In time, I have faith you will come out on the other side of your loss. It's really quite a raw wound right now as it only happened in March. One day at a time. You're always welcome to drop me a line if you need to vent or just know you are heard.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle on yourself. I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: A Heart In the Sky

by Ellen DuBois on 03/20/15



I was at a local airport yesterday. My fiance had some work to do on his plane and I went along. I was hoping my headache would diminish enough so I'd feel up to flying. But, it didn't happen.

While he was working in the hangar, I decided to do one of the things I like best- take pictures. It's a great distraction for me and I'm always amazed at the things I see, especially in nature.

At one point, I looked to the sky. It was a cloudy day, but the sun broke through here and there. Who can say why I looked up when I did, but I couldn't help but see what looked like, (to me, after all, they're clouds), a heart in the sky. I took a couple of shots and saw something else. Next to the heart was what looked like an ultrasound image. It was a combination of the shapes and shades of gray.

I felt a warmth grow inside as I thought of the sweet baby I lost so many years ago. It was like a message from the other side from my baby: I'm okay and love you very much.

Perhaps, it was meant for me to share with you.

To all who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth- to anyone who has endured the loss of a child, I am deeply sorry and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: Always In My Heart.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/14/15


"I loved you from the moment you were in my womb. I've missed you ever since you left. Always in my heart."- Ellen DuBois

Although it's been many years since I miscarried, there are times the feelings come back as if it happened yesterday.

Over the years, I learned to live with a new normal. It took time to heal and I learned that healing didn't mean forgetting.

To this day, I think of the baby I loved with all my heart and never held. Well, I did hold him within my womb. From the moment I knew he was there a bond formed that has withstood the test of time.

It always will.

Grief is different for each of us. However, I've discovered that many women who have miscarried need someone to talk to, vent to, write to.  For the most part, women who have experienced a miscarriage need their loss validated, their grief recognized. Miscarriage is not something to be swept under the rug as if it were no big deal.

It is a big deal.

The Internet opened doors to support that simply didn't exist without it. Women and their families/friends can find the support they need. It's paramount to feel a sense of connection after miscarriage. It can leave you feeling so isolated.

I know that's how it was for me.

To all those who have suffered a miscarriage(s), my heart goes out to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you. - Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage & Struggling With Going to a Baby Shower

by Ellen DuBois on 03/13/15



Hello Everyone,

I received a post from a woman who miscarried, is grieving and trying to conceive. She is struggling with whether or not she can attend her friend's baby shower. It's a place I've been and know how painful it can be. I also know it's a personal choice and there is notright or wrong answer. Here is her post and my comment. I'm not an expert or doctor, but I've certainly lived it:

G says: Hi, I had a mc in September last year and I'm struggling to get pregnant again to the point everytime my af arrives I end up spending the day in tears. My best friend is pregnant and only 6 weeks behind what my due date would be. She has her baby shower this Saturday and I don't feel I'm emotionally strong enough to sit there and watch her open her pressies and play baby games but I feel she will resent me if I don't go and want to support her and I asked if I made myself busy in the kitchen but she said there's no point me going if im going to stay in the kitchen, we both already have a boy each who are 4 months apart. My af has arrived this month which i know isn't helping either. I'm 40 this year and I'm going to the doc tomorrow to talk about fertility tests as was told by midwifes receptionist that I may never conceive again and that my mc may push me into menopause which is constantly playing on my mind. Am I being unreasonable to not go to my friends baby shower if im going to end up in tears and spoil it? I tried explaining this to her but she doesn't seem to understand how hard it is and thinks I should be over my mc by now. Thanks for advise you can give me.

Ellen says: Dear G, I am so sorry for your loss and I know what it's like to feel unable to attend a baby shower...or do anything baby related while you're grieving your loss and feeling the ache so strongly. It took me a long time to be able to go to a baby shower. I don't think you are being unreasonable in not going to your friend's shower. It's a personal thing. I'd like to think your friend knows you have nothing against her being pregnant, it's just that you're going through such a difficult time right now. However, you said she doesn't seem to understand. All I can really say is that's her journey, and you're entitled to feel whatever you're feeling. Your friend is not wrong in celebrating her pregnancy and you're not wrong in being in a very difficult place right now. A baby shower reminds you of what you lost. I get that because I've been there. There are some things you may want to consider: Send a gift & card to the shower. That way you're acknowledging her pregnancy and honoring your feelings. You could also try going to the shower, but promise yourself that if it gets to be too much, you give yourself permission to leave. Do what your heart tells you. There isn't a right or wrong- you need time to heal. It took a long time before I could do 'baby anything'. I simply did the best I could. Those times when I had to push myself to focus on someone else's joy, (baby), I did, but I also allowed myself to feel, even if the tears fell later on, which they often did. Also, I don't think you ever get over your miscarriage. I think you come to a place where you accept your "new normal" and begin to feel like yourself again. But, you don't forget. That's okay. Nobody should expect you to. Your baby will always hold a place in you life and in your heart. Sending you loads of thoughts and prayers. (((hugs))) Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



The Miscarriage Help Daily

by Ellen DuBois on 03/11/15



Miscarriage is a very real loss. Those who have lived it know. Yet, even today, miscarriage is often dismissed by many. Too often women are told to "get over it" and "move on". This does nothing to help support a woman who is grieving the loss of her baby and all the plans, hopes and dreams she had for her child.

Additionally, fathers and siblings may need support, too.

It is my hope The Miscarriage Help Daily will provide support and resources to women (and families) who have miscarried and to those wanting to offer their support.

To those who have miscarried, I am deeply sorry for your loss. Ellen M. DuBois, Author of I Never Held You, (Amazon.com- Click here ) and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com.

Subscribe in the top left corner of this website using the subscription box.

Grief- We are not alone.

by Ellen DuBois on 03/05/15



"Even though we grieve alone, we are never alone in our grief."- Ellen M. DuBois

As I was sitting at the kitchen table this morning, watching yet more snowflakes fall, I started thinking about grief.

It's a path we've all walked, often times feeling alone.

I get that. I know what it's like to feel like you're floating on an empty sea at midnight with no beacon in sight. You look around and all you see is darkness. Your eyes fill with tears time after time and you are keenly aware that only you know they are there.

Yet...

There are others floating around on that empty sea at midnight. They are in their own boats and see no beacon of light. They look around and all they see is darkness while their eyes fill with tears only they know are there.

There are many, many boats carrying grieving people on very dark seas. Just because we can't see them doesn't mean they aren't there. Once we become aware of them, a beacon shines its light. We see them. They see us.

We see each other.

We are not alone.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: "A Letter To Our Unborn Child"

by Ellen DuBois on 02/28/15

Hello Everyone,

This is a repost. I thought it was so beautiful I wanted to share it with you again. There are many who may not have seen it and it is very moving:




Hello Everyone,

A women named Bianca recently suffered a miscarriage. I am so sorry for her loss and for yours.

She wrote a beautiful poem and gave me permission to share it with you. In her words, "Even if my poem helps 1 person i'll be glad then I know that I have helped another mother that is going thru what I went thru, something some women never experience."

So, thank you, Bianca. For sharing your heart and allowing me to share it here with others.

A Letter To Our Unborn Child:

So quickly you came into our lives, So quickly torn away. Never got the chance to meet you, There's so much we wanted to say. Where there once was joy and happiness, Is now sadness and pain. All these thoughts running through our heads, It's enough to drive us insane. Though you lived only ten short weeks, You were loved so very much. We wish that we could hold you, we long to feel your touch. On that night of May 8th, our world was ripped from under our feet. We pray that in another life, We get the chance to meet you. We never had the chance, To hear you talk or hold your hand, Our time ran out Before you could walk..You were born with wings. We never thought the Lord would take you away from us so soon..A sign we knew, That the Man upstairs Would soon come for you. We never had a chance To see your eyes, He took you away With no time for good byes, We think of you often And wonder why, We never had a chance To hear your first cry. All we have is dreams of you, those of which, will never come true. Our heart sank the day that we knew, we would never get to meet you. We had made plans, and had aspirations. But, we'll never forget that dismal day, around in the afternoon. The day we knew something was not right, and through many tears we would have to fight. Now, all we can do is dream every night, about what life would have been like. What if you really had been born? But all we have is dreams of that, and all we can do is mourn. We will not mourn for you though, because we know you're where you need to be, even though it isn't here with us. You were a special little angel An enchanting rose, we never had the chance To watch you grow, Or hear your laugh. I never had the chance To give you a mother's love, But we know you're always there Watching over us from above. You are our angel baby because God wanted you with Him. Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing..None of our dreams for you will ever come true, because of that day God chose to take you. But, our angel baby you will always be, in our heart forever, forever a part of us always Rest in peace our baby angel. We will meet you up in heaven when our time comes to be with you and our family .. We miss you so much and always remember mommy & daddy love you!- Written by Bianca Ludick

Thank you again, Bianca. To all who have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

 

Miscarriage: When You Ask Yourself- What's the Point?

by Ellen DuBois on 02/22/15



Those of us who have miscarried know the roller coaster of emotions you experience. It's often overwhelming and you may question just about everything. I know I did.

This is an email I received from "W". I could relate to what she said on many levels. Perhaps you can, too.

For all those who have lived through the heartache of miscarriage(s), I am deeply sorry for your loss.

W says:

I lost my baby in December after trying for a long time to conceive. I have endometriosis which also contributes to struggling to conceive. I was refused nhs ivf because of my age. I cant get over losing my baby. If I'm busy I feel like I'm coping and as soon as I stop I break down. I'm struggling to talk to my husband and parents because it upsets them when I'm upset. I don't want to go on without my baby. I see no future for me and think what's the point.

My response:

Dear W,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how painful your journey has been. I have miscarried, too, and know that pain. But, you also have experienced some other things I haven't.

However, I do know what it's like to lose your baby to miscarriage and I can say that I know what it's like to not have a child. I'm not saying that's the case with you. I'm not suggesting you lose hope. I'd never, ever do that. What I am saying is because of this, I know your fear. I get where you're coming from and know that dreaded feeling of "what's the point?"

First: For a long time, and I'm talking years, I think I equated my value and purpose with whether or not I had a child. Without one, I felt incomplete. I think you're feeling like this, or close to it.

The second thing is you're grieving. You've just lost your baby and that's huge. You've got a way to go to get through this and there's no easy way to do it. However, talking does help. If you feel you simply can't talk to your parents or your husband, maybe it would be a good idea to talk to someone. Only you'll know if it feels right to you. Do I advocate it? Yes. I think talking to a grief counselor or somebody who listens and can help you though the muddy waters of grief is helpful. You're holding so much inside and I know what that does. Your grieving the loss of your child and are questioning whether you'll ever be a mother. That's a lot and I say that because I've carried that load.

You seem to operate off a lot of nervous energy, like me. I'm the type who goes and goes, busying myself to the point of distraction. When I stop, WHAM. The emotions I've been trying to hide from by keeping busy come flooding to the surface and I want to break...or, I do.

I think it's okay, in part, to be that way. I'm not a doctor so it's really my opinion. We all do different things to cope. However, if you're not feeling what you need to in order to heal, and it's all about keeping busy, then it's not good. Again, in my humble opinion.

You know, you do have a future and right now there's so much clouding your view that I wouldn't try to rule things in or out until you're in a better place- emotionally, physically and spiritually. You have every right to grieve, to feel overwhelmed and scared. I've walked that road and want you to know there are things about your life that you just don't know yet. Wonderful things you can't even see right now. How could you when you're so sad?

W, you matter and so does your loss. Your life matters and there is a point to it. I'm not saying I have all the answers. I am saying you are of value and right now you need somebody to help you through a very difficult time. I hope you find the help you need and are able to at least talk about how you're feeling, what your fears are and anything else you need to get off your chest. It'll make room for you healing to come into your heart and life, and I know you need that very much.

I'm here, too, and I'll be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Support,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1).



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