MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

To Fathers With Babies in Heaven On Father's Day.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/17/17



 

Remembering the fathers who have babies in Heaven this Father's Day.

You are loved and thought of.

Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers,

Ellen

 

 

 

 

 


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief #amwriting #miscarriagesupport #bookexcerpt

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

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You Have The Right To Grieve...& Nobody Has The Right To Tell You Otherwise

by Ellen DuBois on 06/12/17



If you've suffered a miscarriage, I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know it's a very difficult time. You probably feel like your world has been rocked to the core and maybe you feel like your grief, your very REAL grief, is being dismissed.

Ouch. If that's what you're experiencing, I know what it's like. I know how much you loved your baby and how you were planning on the big arrival. I understand what it's like to ache so much you feel it in your soul. I also know what it's like to hurt so much and feel alone in your grief.

If it seems like family and friends don't know how to support you, I get that, too. I think what hurts even more is when your grief is dismissed. Perhaps someone has told you that it's been long enough and you should just move on. Quite possibly a friend has said you can always have another baby and to hold on to that thought. The well intended words of a family member or friend who said there was probably something wrong with the baby hurt you more than helped.

When people dismiss your grief by telling you to move on, etc., it's painful. It's like saying your baby didn't matter and your loss should be somehow easier to deal with. Those of us who lived it know that simply isn't true.

Your loss is real and your journey through grief is just as real. It takes time, as with any loss, to even begin to start feeling like yourself again. Even at that, you're a changed version of yourself. Grief forces you to grow and I know it's a very painful way to do so.

There's so much going on inside of you when you suffer a miscarriage- mentally, physically and spiritually. The emotions you go through are sometimes excruciating. Not everyone is aware of this and you may feel pressured to go through your grief "quickly".

You don't need to do that, nor should you feel like you have to. After my miscarriage, I didn't like walking through the fire, but I had to do it. I didn't even see it while I was going through it. But, it was a fire and it took time to get over those hot coals.

If you feel like you don't have the right to grieve because others are either trying to push you forward before you're ready, please give yourself the time and space you need.

You have the right to grieve...and nobody has the right to tell you otherwise.

God Bless and may you find some comfort in knowing you are not alone,

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief #amwriting #miscarriagesupport #bookexcerpt

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Where All Babies Play In Heaven #miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #poem

by Ellen DuBois on 06/06/17



Hello Everyone,

About seven years ago, I wrote this song/poem with you in mind. I found it today while going through some posts and wanted to share it again. I hope it brings some comfort and healing to you. You are all in my thoughts and prayers.

Ellen

Your pain is so deep,
and I really want to reach you.
The tears fall like rain,
for the one you called your own.

What can I say,
to help you in this moment?
What can I do,
to make you see the sun?

All I can offer is my heart.
All I can say is that I'm sorry.
I'm forever by your side,
through this long and stormy ride.
Just keep believing as the days pass by...

That I will never leave your precious side.

Is there anything,
I can do to help you?
Can I ease the ache
within your broken heart?

I hope it helps to know,
I'm here no matter what.
I'll carry you,
when you're not feeling strong.

And, I'll whisper a prayer for you
to God in all His Glory.
I'll ask the angels to come to you
and tell you their sweet story.
There's a special place in Heaven,
and it's right next to His Throne.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they're not alone.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they're not alone.

Maybe one day,
when you're feeling better.
You'll feel a gentle breeze
brush across your face.

You'll feel your baby's kiss
carried by winds of Heaven.
You'll feel your baby's love
deep inside your heart.

And, I'll whisper a prayer for you
to God in all His Glory.
I'll ask the angels to come to you
and tell you their sweet story.
There's a special place in Heaven,
and it's right next to His Throne.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they're not alone.
Where all babies play in Heaven,
they're not alone.

Copyright 2007 Ellen M. DuBois

#miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #poem


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief #amwriting #miscarriagesupport #bookexcerpt

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

#Miscarriage and Blaming Yourself. #grief #amwriting #miscarriagesupport #bookexcerpt

by Ellen DuBois on 06/05/17


"After my miscarriage, I blamed myself. After searching for answers and coming up empty handed, I couldn't help buy blame myself. It took a long time to realize my miscarriage was not my fault. The irony: The more I blamed myself, the more I hurt myself."- Ellen DuBois, MiscarriageHelp.com

 

The following is a chapter from my book on self blame:

Who could I blame for this? Did I do something wrong? Did that glass of wine I had before I even knew I was pregnant somehow hurt my baby? Did that slip on the ice have anything to do with it? What about the cigarettes I smoked? Or, or, or...

It's a very natural thing to blame yourself when you suffer a miscarriage. I did. I wracked my brain in a futile attempt to come up with some answers. Anything. Nothing the doctor said could convince me that there wasn't something I did to make this happen.

So, I prolonged my suffering. By blaming myself I only made things worse. It was not my fault-just as it's not your fault that you've miscarried. No, that glass of wine or beer you had did not cause your miscarriage. No, the argument you had with your husband did not cause you so much stress that you miscarried. No, the unhealthy food you ate from a fast food restaurant didn't do it either. Please, stop knocking yourself and blaming yourself for this. I know you need answers. You want some sort of justification for your pain and loss. But, when you continually find, or try to find blame within yourself, you are hurting yourself over and over again.

When I couldn't find blame within myself - or at least a concrete event that I could somehow link to my miscarriage, my anger turned to God. Yes, God. How could He let this happen? Why? What did I do to deserve this?

I never thought about the bigger plan. Back then, my views on life and what God's plans were for me were much different. Even if they weren't, I still would have felt tremendous pain, and my faith would have been tested to the max. I still would have wondered what kind of a God would allow such a thing to happen.

Over time, however, I learned to stop blaming God. I don't want to preach to you, but, to those of you who are looking to God for answers, you'll probably never know. In retrospect, I can now look back and realize that it was all a part of the plan for my life and accept that, as painful as it may be. It certainly isn't something I'd want to relive,and I still don't know why it happened. My marriage did end. Maybe that's part of it. Maybe my ex-husband and I just weren't cut out to be parents-we weren't cut out to be married. But, that doesn't apply to everyone, and I'm only using examples pulled from my own life. There are many women who aren't involved with partners but have miscarried. Many women have terrific marriages and miscarry. You all have your own circumstances to look at and to try to find blame in. Let me just say this: Please, for your own peace of mind, stop blaming yourself and God (if you're blaming Him, too). It's simply torture, and the more you search for answers, the longer you prolong your misery. I know it hurts. I can feel your pain. I know having the answers would take away a little of your pain. But, please consider this: Even if you had the answer right in front of you, would it really lessen your grief or sadness?

I know it wouldn't have with me. It wouldn't bring back what I lost. I know that now-only after time.

Acknowledge your pain. Feel it. But, please stop blaming yourself, God, or anyone else.


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

#grief #amwriting #miscarriagesupport #bookexcerpt

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

I felt your love in the breeze and your spirit in the warmth of the sun. #miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 06/01/17



Whether it's been a month, a year or many years since you've miscarried, I know what it's like to think about the baby you lost. I get it. Not because I've heard about it or read about it. I get it because I've lived it.

I'm sorry if you've lived it, too. I'm deeply sorry for your loss.

Looking back over the past 25 plus years since my miscarriage, I can say with certaintly I never forgot...any of it. But, what has stuck with me the most and become part of the fabric of my life, is the love I will always have for the baby I lost. It never died. The connection of love between my unborn baby and I has actually grown with me over time in a very real, very spiritual sense.

The once raw wound I had after my miscarriage took time to turn into a scar. Healing was not quick for me. I don't think it is for a lot of people. However, we all heal in our own way and time and there's no "set time" limit here. My days used to be filled with tears. When I was smack dab in the middle of my grief  it was such a scary place to be. I wondered if I'd EVER feel like "me" again.

I'm here to tell you I did end up feeling like me again, but a changed me. Loss changes you and after the vice grip of grief eases up a bit, you breathe easier. It's a day at a time process.

The love I have for my baby is as strong...no, even stronger than it was years ago for my baby. I think it's part of my journey. The grieving part of me healed over time, but the love that was there from the beginning stayed with me and grew.

Don't get me wrong. If I think about the day I found out my baby was no longer to be, feelings come flooding back as if it happened yesterday. They are so acutely painful I don't want to revisit them. But, it happens sometimes. That's why you can talk to a woman who miscarried decades ago and tears form in her eyes. She remembers...and it's painful. I get it.

I want you to know, especially those who are trying to keep their heads above water because the grief is still so raw, that as you go through your own healing that kind of pain will lessen. You may feel like it's impossible or will take forever, but there will come a day when you're not crying every day. There will come a day when you find yourself doing something, anything, that the "you" before your miscarriage did.

What I pray happens for you is the love between you and your baby comforts you. This can take time, and it's different for all of us. Please give yourself the time and space you need on your journey to grieve, feel and heal.

That doesn't mean you'll forget. God knows, I never did.

Love replaced much of the pain. When I close my eyes, (like I'm doing right now), and think of the baby I loved but never held, I feel the connection we have- stronger than ever.

God bless you on your journey after miscarriage. Please know you're not alone.

Ellen


 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery









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