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The Tears Flowed and I Let Them #miscarriage #anniversarydates #support

by Ellen DuBois on 04/24/18



And that's exactly what happened on the anniversary date of my miscarriage. I know it's been years, but the tears weld up. I don't know if the trigger was an argument I had, missing my mother as her birthday approaches, (she's been gone for 3 years now), or cellular memory. I believe that's very real. My body, mind and spirit remember what I felt all those years ago. Whatever it was, the tears flowed and I let them.




 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


Life Since My Miscarriage, 27 Years Later.

by Ellen DuBois on 04/23/18



Today marks the day I lost my baby 27 years ago. It's a day that changed my life. My whole path shifted direction when I miscarried. What I thought would be and what was were suddenly very different.


No matter when you suffer a miscarriage, it's not something you forget. As I learned, life pushes on. However, in those dark, scary days, weeks and months and even years after I miscarried, I had a very tough time keeping up with life. So many times I felt like grief consumed me and I was going through the motions.

Looking back, I see how over time, I began to find myself again. It took a long time and I never, not even once, forgot about the baby I loved and never got to hold. He touched my heart and my life in so many ways.

How? Losing my baby prompted me to write a book years later on my experiences, grief, healing. There wasn't much available back then and I was so frustrated with the disappointment I felt every time I searched for a book to help me cope and make me feel less alone. My little Alex, (I named him), was the reason for this website. I wanted a place to share in our experiences after miscarriage to again, make us feel less isolated in our pain.

There's no time limit, no right or wrong way to grieve. There's no date marked on the calendar saying, "Okay. Enough. You can get on with it now." You just do the best you can, like I did. Like so many of us who miscarried have. Your best is good enough. I wish I knew that back then. I always felt my best wasn't good enough because I felt I was barely scraping by in everything I did.

My marriage suffered. I won't blame the ending of my marriage on my miscarriage, but I do know communicating with your spouse/partner is so important. Otherwise, those feelings can eat you up inside and drive a wedge between you and your partner. 

Every day tasks, like grocery shopping felt like I was climbing Mount Everest because I suffered such anxiety after I miscarried. I can't tell you the number of times I had to stop what I was doing and take a deep breath, or pull over for a few minutes until my panic attacks subsided. It was so frightening.

I'm telling you all this because I want you to know that if you're feeling any of these things, you are not alone. It's not new because I felt them years ago. What's been changing is the way miscarriage is talked about more. I'm very thankful for that because I know what it's like to feel you've got nobody, even when you're surrounded by people you love.

(I also learned I was never truly alone because I always had God and the angels by my side, even when I didn't feel like I did.)

I've come a long way since that dark time so long ago. But, I've never forgotten my baby, what it felt like to miscarry and how alone I felt. That's why I'm still here, reaching out to let you know you're not alone. 

I wish you comfort and healing- and I'm so sorry for your loss.

Here's a great, big hug- Ellen






 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.


I am a Rainbow Baby. #rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babyloss

by Ellen DuBois on 04/13/18



If you look up the definition of a rainbow baby, here's one you'll find: (I got this from google). "A "rainbow baby" is a baby that is born following a miscarriage, stillbirth, neonatal death or infant loss.In the real world, a beautiful and bright rainbow follows a storm and gives hope of things getting better. The rainbow is more appreciated having just experienced the storm in comparison."

I'm kind of "all over the place" with this post, but please bear with me.

April can be a difficult month for a few reasons. I miscarried in April, so there hasn't been an April in 26 years that I haven't thought about the baby I loved, lost and never got to hold. My mother's birthday is in April and she passed away three years ago. Not a single day has gone by that I haven't missed her- more than words can say. 

I've had this thought several times, but it's the first time I've written about it: I am a rainbow baby. My mother lost my brother David when he was 18 months old. He had Hydrocephalus, "which is a brain condition that happens when cerebrospinal fluid (CSF) — the clear, watery fluid that surrounds and cushions the brain and spinal cord — can't drain from the brain. It then pools, causing a buildup of fluid in the skull."

When my brother passed away, my sister was about 4 and a half years old. My mother was seven months pregnant with me.

I can't even imagine how she and my father must have felt. Grieving the loss of their beloved son and knowing another baby was going to arrive in short order. They also had my sister to love and take care of. Wow.

Years later, my mother and I were talking about David. He couldn't walk, but loved playing ball with my mother. When I say playing ball, it was David laying on the floor and my mother rolling a ball to him. He'd laugh, she said. How he loved it. We also talked about when they lost him. My sister found him and woke my mother up saying "Mom, why won't David wake up?" My father was at work and drove home at about 100 mph. When the police pulled him over and found out why he was speeding, they escorted him home. My sister was brought to a neighbor's house and she remembers a sea of "legs" in blue uniforms. 

My mother and I talked some more and she said, "I knew you were special."

That in no way diminishes the equal love she had for my two sisters. We were all special to her. I think what she meant was after going through such a terrible loss, I came along a mere three months later. I can't imagine just having buried my son and having a new, little life to take care of. But, that's the way it was. David went to heaven in February and I was born in May of the same year. My sister was there to welcome me into the family. Later, my younger sister joined us.

My father and I talked about my brother's passing and me coming along so soon after. Back then, Dads didn't go into the delivery room. Many times, they went about their day and waited for a call from the doctor, which is exactly what my father did. He recalled just getting into work when the phone rang. It was the doctor who said, "What are you doing there? You've got a healthy, baby girl!" 

My father told me the only word he cared about was "healthy". He and my mother were on pins and needles for the remainder of her pregnancy with me. After enduring such a loss, who could blame them?

My two sisters and I have always been close. We each had a unique bond with my mother. My mother and I always shared a very spiritual bond. I can't help but feel (I mean deep in my gut) it had something to do with being a rainbow baby. 

They say babies learn and feel so much while still in the womb. I have always felt a strong connection to my brother, David, even though I never met him. I believe I felt some of my mother's pain when they lost him as well as her deep faith in God.

I've read about rainbow babies and shared posts from women who have had them. It wasn't until recently that I realized I am a rainbow baby and to me, it explains so much.

To my own baby, my mother and my brother in Heaven, I love you all more than words can say.

Forever.



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

#rainbowbaby #miscarriagesupport #babyloss

The Time You Said Goodbye #miscarriage #miscarriagehelp

by Ellen DuBois on 04/05/18



I remember it like yesterday,
though it was long ago.
I lost you at this time of year- 
My baby, I loved you so. 

When the blossoms flower on the trees and grass begins to green- 
when the birds sing their lullabye-
I wonder what would have been.

Although you couldn't stay with me, 
I know you had to fly.
I miss you more this time of year, 
the time you said goodbye

Ellen M. DuBois, 2018



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

7 Things You Need To Hear After Miscarriage #miscarriagesupport #repost

by Ellen DuBois on 04/03/18

I wrote this in 2016, but wanted to share it again.



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-three years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there.

1. It's normal to want someone say they're sorry for your loss. Your loss is real- REAL- and it may feel like you're the only one who gets it.

2. You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, needs to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay- or at the least not crazy. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

3. You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

4. You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you will  forget your baby. My God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal. You deserve it. Your loss matters and so do you.

5. It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basket filled with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

6. All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

7. You're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen



 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.

Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did over twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Ellen M. DuBois is the author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery




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