Dear Ellen,

It's mother's day and I'm sitting alone in a basement crying uncontrollably and I don't know what to do. When I was 16 I created a life and 4 months later he disappeared. I'm never going to meet the most important person in my life and I don't know what to do about it. I' m now a 20-year-old girl with a drinking problem because I can't figure out any other way to deal. When I was pregnant I was so happy. This baby boy was all that I thought about. The moment that I took that pregnancy test in a stop and shop bathroom I became a mother and no one else can see that. The only 2 people who knew about the pregnancy were the father (who cut contact as soon as I told him) and my friend Alexa. She was supportive through the pregnancy. She helped me to maintain sobriety, kept me healthy, and provided so much support that I can never fully thank her for. But, after I miscarried she was the first person I can ever truly say that I hated. She saw how happy I was, she saw that I was a mother but yet she still said, "This is for the best." You wouldn't say that to a mother who's 2-year-old child was hit by a bus, why the **** would you say that to me. It's been almost 4 years and I've told a handful of people about my miscarriage but none of them can relate or can grasp this grief. I've been searching for a miscarriage support group in the hudson valley where I live but I've found nothing. I've read the books, I've spoken to doctors, and I've tried as hard as I can to find a friend that can even come close to understanding but I can't. I just need help. My son died in September of 2008. No one noticed.

Dear Lauren,

I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you're still in. I know it stays with you, and I also know you've had a very difficult time healing. My heart goes out to you.

Just for the record, it's been a long time since I miscarried and I cried yesterday, too. I cried for the son I never held but loved with all my heart. I cried because I'm still not a mother and that's an ache I have yet to get rid of. But, I also counted the blessings in my life, including my own mother, my sisters and their wonderful kids, etc. Whatever I could find, I gave thanks for because it really helped balance things out. That doesn't mean the day went perfectly. Days seldom do. But, when you're missing your baby and long to be a mother, days like Mother's Day can be very tough to handle. Even a TV commercial can put you in a tailspin.

However- time, faith, healing and a lot of help from God and the angels helped me get up again. When I look back at my life, one, two, three and four years after I miscarried, I didn't know how to get back up. I was floundering so please, please try to believe you are not alone in this. You're not alone in the fact that it's been four years and you still feel the ache so deeply it drove you into the basement and landed you in a pile of tears. You are not alone. I know it doesn't take away the pain...but, (and I am not judging here), neither does the drinking-it makes it worse. Enough said about that. Just sharing my feelings from my own experiences with myself and others. The most important thing is YOU, your health, and helping you arrive at a  place where you can heal. 

Maybe, for now, the best place to start is where you've landed: writing it out. That's where I began. I was so lost I couldn't see anything clearly. You feel like you're in a world that doesn't make sense. My life felt like it made no sense, either, and you and I share that along with countless others who have lived through this pain AND come out on the other side of it in a better place, (even when it's hard to see how it could happen). I'm not saying you'll forget your miscarriage, the baby you love and miss so much. Not at all. I never did and never will. Just like my mother will never forget my brother she lost when he was nearly two and she was seven months pregnant with me. You don't forget losing someone you love, whether they were walking this earth or in your womb. They were loved and were real. They are still loved.

One of the most difficult things about losing a baby to miscarriage is how people tend to have a dismissive attitude towards your loss and pain. You brought it out in your email to me. People tend to expect you to move on more quickly because nobody got to know your baby. As you said, you wouldn't say something like "It's for the best" to someone who just lost a two-year-old. I know that. I also believe your friend didn't know what to say, like so many others don't know what to say to a person who has miscarried. So, the 'wrong' things come out when all you really want is to have your loss validated and hear things like, "I'm so sorry for your loss." Sometimes, you just need someone to listen to you. Sometimes, you don't want to talk but just want to sit in the comfort of a friendship, knowing no words are necessary.

What I'm feeling right now is the importance of writing in your life. Please try to write some more. Write your feelings out whenever the urge hits you. Send them to me if you want- your words will be read. Your feelings will be understood and I do care. The thing is, let them out. It's not easy. There may be tears pouring down your face while you try to see your computer screen or journal. Write it out anyway- even if it's just one sentence.

The act of writing out how I felt placed my feet on a path of healing, although I didn't know it.  Actually, it's what put me on the path of writing a book, many years after my miscarriage, and I didn't have a clue that was in my plan. But, it was.

In no way do I discount the pain you're in. What I can say, and believe with all my heart is this: Although you're in a dark place right now, it does not mean you'll stay there forever. I don't know why you lost your precious baby, just like I don't know the "why" of so many things in this life. What I do know is over time, you may take all the pain you've been living from the vantage point of someone who experienced a loss of this magnitude at a young age and be able to help others who, like you, lost a baby to miscarriage at a young age. Your world must have felt completely shaken to the core. Mine did, and I was twenty-five when I lost my son. I can only imagine what it must have been like for you at sixteen. Again, I am so sorry for your loss and the painful road you've been on.

I don't know if anything I've said will make sense to you. I know you understand what I've said, but I don't know if anything will help, even if in a tiny way. Just know this: even if what I've written doesn't resonate with you, please know you matter to me. What you're living matters and you've been heard.

I pray that counts for something.

Please let me know how you're doing, if you feel it in your heart to write back.

You are in my thoughts and prayers, Lauren.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

In honor of Mother's Day and all those who have babies in Heaven, the electronic version of my book will be free on May 11, 2012. I Never Held You- a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery, (it can be downloaded on your Kindle, computer, etc.) and is available on Amazon.com:

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Sweet baby,

How I miss you.

I wish my arms

could reach up to Heaven

and hold you.

But, I know,

with all my heart,

you are held,

in the arms of God.

Ellen M. DuBois

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Mother's Day is often a bittersweet time for anyone who has experienced the loss of a child to miscarriage- any loss of a child. You can embrace the joy and feel whatever it is you're feeling. It's all okay-you're entitled to feel. I count my blessings, LOVE my own mother so much, thank God for my wonderful nieces and nephews. These are lights in my life. I also know in my soul that I am still the mother to my baby in Heaven. Faith carries me through those times when the ache surfaces, as does counting my blessings. You're all in my thoughts and prayers. Love and Light to you all, Ellen

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Hello my girlfriend cheated on me about 3 4 weeks after we had a miscarriage. she had the guts to tell me she did so. we are no longer together but she is doing all she can to make it up to me. I trusted her with all my heart and what she done was out of character for her. She miscarriaged about 2 weeks before mothers day and when it came round to the day i never said anything to her about our loss and this made her really upset because she wanted to be a mum so bad and she put it down to me forgetting about our baby. this was not the case. i thought about talking about but thought that might bring back all the pain again. because i never talked about how i felt when we lost our baby she assumed i was over and forgot about it. this is not true, it was killing me inside but spoke to noone about how i felt. I'm really confused in what to do and its on my mind that the cheating is something to do with the miscarriage. is this so? thanks for taking the time to read this and look forward to hearing from you.

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There are feelings, emotions, memories, so deep inside. I thought I'd let go of them, but the feelings I had after my miscarriage creep up on me. Some call it 'cellular memory', and I believe it's true. I think the trauma of my miscarriage stayed with me and I'm not as healed as I'd like to believe. Yes, I've gone on, healed to a large degree, but not fully- and it's been a long, long time. Whenever May, (my birthday month & around the time I miscarried & Mother's Day), comes around, I feel everything all over again. I've got some "soul healing" to do. I'll never forget, but I know there's another chapter of life and healing to work towards. (Reading 
"The Healing Code"). Love and light to you all, Ellen

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?"Everyone deals with grief in their own way, and Mary's experience shows how difficult it can be when we turn to those closest to us for support, only to have our pain dismissed- as if it were nothing. It's critical that anyone around a woman who has miscarried acknowledge her grief, let her feel it and deal with it as she may. To hear the words 'Get over it', especially from someone you love, hurts deeply." Ellen M. DuBois, from "I Never Held You- a book about miscarriage, grief, healing and recovery".

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Chris says:

t's been rough.  My husband has gone from wanting a baby to wanting a divorce in a matter of weeks.  He doesn't understand the stress I'm under and I can't force him.  I just don't know how to be understanding and patient during a time when I feel like he has let me down. 

All my friends are pregnant which has added to my stresses because I'm terribly jealous and I want nothing more than to just begin my life again but as soon as I was ready I had already driven my husband away.  Things were never perfect but my hormonal breakdowns didn't help...

I'm mad at him for doing this to me right now... I know I haven't been the easiest person to live with the past month, but just bc he's over it doesn't mean I had to be.  I was still physically experiencing it until a week ago...

Dear Chris,

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Hi Everyone,

As we near the end of April, emotions are triggered by memories of one of the most difficult times of my life. Around this time, twenty plus years ago, I miscarried.

I still remember the moments, minutes, hours, days. I can feel the cold table at the hospital. The stranger's face was not the one I expected, but my doctor was away and I had to get to the ER.

My husband (at the time) was not home, either. He was away on business so my sister was with me.

At four-plus months of carrying what I thought would be my dream, I felt my world come crashing down upon hearing these words: "The fetus in no longer viable."

It's been a long road since then. A road filled with tears, grief, longing, and an ache that didn't want to leave me. Perhaps, I wouldn't let go. I'm not quite sure.

It's been a road of healing, learning, growing. All those years ago I had plans while life had others, and I didn't have a clue.

My miscarriage completely blindsided me.

Where was my baby? Where was my son? Why couldn't I hold him? Why did I lose him? I shot questions to God, to the universe, to myself. My mind played the scene like a movie, over and over again. I saw myself, felt the shock, remembered scheduling and then having the D&C. I remember the bleeding, the flood of tears, the anxiety and depression that fell around me like a thick fog.

Here I am today- all these years and battle wounds later. What I have learned and felt over the past two decades is difficult to encapsulate. All I can say is my son touched my life in so many ways and I was forced to grow in countless ways. Through my loss, a book and website were born many years later. This was not only part of my growth, but I believe part of anyone's growth who has ever posted here.

Talking, writing, time... and a belief in something much bigger than ourselves are healers. Yet, it takes time to realize these things because grief masks time.

Even though it was a long time ago, I will always love the baby I never got to hold. I will always be able to understand, to the best of my ability, the path you are walking if you've suffered a miscarriage. We all understand each other because there's a thread that ties us.

And, to my baby in Heaven who I love and feel around me all the time- "Thank you for being a part of my life, even if only for a short time. I will always love you."

Love and Light,

Ellen

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I'm going to once again be giving away the Kindle version of I Never Held You for free for one day, 4-18-12, Wednesday. I hope anyone who needs the book takes advantage of this and finds some comfort. The response last time was overwhelming, so I know I reached out. Isn't that what it's about? Here's the link:
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1)



Love and Light to you, Ellen

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I recently went through my third miscarriage. A fertility doctor gave me little hope that he could do anything to help me. "They were only chemical pregnancies" is all he could offer me. Those "chemical pregnancies" were a part of me. Those babies were real. The life that began to blossom inside of me was real. I have had many people tell me how lucky I am. My eight year old son is smart and adorable. "You don't need any more children." The hard part is that there was always someone at work who was due within a week of when I was due with my first two miscarriages. My sister in law had a beautiful baby one month before the due date of my first miscarriage. There is also someone at work who is due the end of November - within a week of when my baby would have been due. It is so hard to be happy for a friend and her blooming belly when you should have been next to her with a big belly. This last one was due on my mother in law's birthday. I don't know how I will ever be able to wish her a happy birthday again. We never told our son about the pregnancies. I have to act like nothing is wrong. I'm so tired of it.

Dear Elizabeth,

I am so sorry for this, your third loss. I also feel so badly about what your fertility doctor said about your babies being "chemical pregnancies". Ouch. My heart goes out to you.

To go through so much loss is so taxing on your mind, body and spirit. Feeling lost and finding it difficult to be around pregnant women is certainly how I'd feel. When you're grieving your own baby, or babies, seeing a woman who is due around what you hoped would be your due date, or just seeing a pregant woman period, causes so many feelings to rush to the surface. It's like all the 'what ifs and could have beens' catch you and it's a lonely, sad place to be. I have been there and feel for you.

I just found a very helpful message about what to do and what not to do when someone has lost their child. I think I'll share it with you and with others because it's so helpful to those around us who are looking for ways to comfort you, but don't know how or say the 'wrong' things. The reason this came to mind? You mentioned how someone said you don't need any more children. That must have hurt deeply.

In an email from a company called Sympathy Solutions, (they are a sympathy gift site and I want to make sure I give them credit here...), their article mentioned how someone should not refer to your other child or children when another has died because "children are not interchangable." I could not have put it better. Your loss has nothing to do with how much you love your son. I know you love him. But, you still have the right to grieve your losses. You deserve that.

It is exhausting to try to 'keep in all inside' around your son- around anyone. But, you're with your son a lot and I will pray for you to have the strength you need to get through this very difficult time. It's not an easy road. I know you're all too aware of this.

One thing you may want to consider, when or if it's right for you, is planting a tree in memory of your babies. You don't have to tell your son why, or you may decide to tell him. That's up to you. The thing is, it will provide you with some closure as you heal. I know you'll never forget your babies and the love you feel will always be there. A tree, or flowers...anything, can be your way of saying to your babies, "You mattered to me and this is in memory of you."

A day at a time is the only way to handle grief. There are days that are terrible and feel like they'll never end. Then, there are days when you find you're feeling a bit more like "you" again. Embrace the moments and feel what you feel. Keeping it all in just eats you up inside. Grab onto your faith like a lifejacket on those days when you can't find which way is up and know God, the angels, and people care about what you're living very much.

Here's the newsletter I got, and I hope you and those looking for ways to support women and their families who have lost a child find it helpful and comforting.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Do's and Don't For Family and Friends

Do's
Do let your genuine concern and care show.
Do be available; to listen, to help with other children or whatever else seems needed at the time.
Do say you are sorry about what happened to their child and about their pain.
Do allow them to express as much grief as they are feeling now and are willing to share.
Do encourage them to be patient with themselves, not to expect too much of themselves, and not to impose any "SHOULDS" on themselves.
Do allow them to talk about the special, endearing abilities of the child they have lost.
Do give special attention to the child's brothers and sisters, at the funeral and in the months to come. They too are hurt and confused and in need of attention which their parents may not be able to give them at the time.
Do reassure them that the medical care their child received was the best possible, or whatever else you know to be true and positive, about the care given their child.

Don'ts
Don't let your own sense of helplessness keep you from reaching out to a bereaved parent.
Don't avoid them because you are uncomfortable. Being avoided by friends adds pain to an already intolerable and painful experience.
Don't say you know how they feel, unless you've lost a child yourself. You probably don't know how they feel.
Don't say "You ought to be feeling better by now", or anything else which implies a judgment about their feelings.
Don't tell them what they should feel or do. Don't change the subject when they mention their dead child.
Don't avoid mentioning the child's name out of fear of reminding them of their pain. They haven't forgotten it for a moment.
Don't try to find something positive about the child's death.
Don't point out that at least they have another child or children. Children are not interchangeable! They cannot replace each other.
Don't say that they can have another child. Even if they could, or wanted to, another child would not replace the child they have lost.
Don't make any comments which in any way suggest that the care in the home or in the emergency room, hospital, or wherever, was inadequate. Parents are plagued by feelings of doubt and guilt without any help from their family or friends.

 http://mpas.tripod.com/gwdd.html

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Hang in there. Have faith. You WILL get through this, even on those days when you wonder how the heck you ever will. I know it's so difficult. Let God hold your hand.

Love and Light, Ellen

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Chris says:

I had my first miscarriage last week during my 12th week of pregnancy.  It was a devistating blow as it is to anyone but especially for my husband and I because his hectic deployment cycle has prevented us from having our second child for 3 years now.  Logically I know I should allow my body to heal; however, my husband and I are so ready to have another child and I feel the only way to keep myself from focusing on my loss is to be able to celebrate new life.  That sounds strange to me because I feel like I'm trying to replace my baby by becoming pregnant again...I'm so... Lost within my grief and my husband and I have recently moved and have no support system... He needed to go back to work as his way to heal and I have had to jump back into life before I'm ready because I have a 4 year old to take care of.  I have very limited people in my life who have also experienced a miscarriage and I can't constantly be leaning on them....  I just need the physical process to be over so.. I feel so out of control

Dear Chris,

I am so sorry for your loss. You're under such strain with your husband's deployment schedule, moving to a place where you really don't know anyone and grieving the loss of your baby. All of this while caring for your four-year-old, which I'm sure keeps you busy 

You'll always remember the baby you never got to hold and right now you're grieving your loss. The time and ways we deal with grief is different for all of us. One thing I've found that ties many of us who have miscarried is the feeling of isolation- as if nobody gets or quite understands our pain. When you're in a place where there's no support system around, it feels even more so.

I see why you want to become pregnant again. You and your husband want another child, and if he's away, it's even more time to wait until he returns. That's a lot of pressure, and I'd gently suggest you try to focus on your healing and taking care of you. Your mind, body and spirit all need to heal. That's not to say now isn't the right time for you. I am in no position to say that. I just think you need to take care of you, too.

The people in your life who have sadly experienced a miscarriage probably understand what you're living. I know everyone's circumstances are different because we're all unique people. But, the feelings left in the wake of miscarriage are so often the same. We feel our lives spiraling out of control because we couldn't control something as 'natural', or so they say, as keeping our babies.

One thing that may help you heal is having some sort of memorial service for your baby. I say this because it gives you some closure. It could be something as simple as releasing balloons into the air; writing a letter to your baby; planting some flowers or a tree in your baby's memory. I know it doesn't take away from your loss, but it gives you the chance to say goodbye to your baby while also saying you'll remember him or her always.

Feeling out of control, for as 'abnormal' as it feels, is a very normal way to feel after a miscarriage- (at least that's my opinion). Your emotions are everywhere, and it takes some time for the dust to settle. I know it's not an easy walk, but one I know you can make with faith and support. I know I'm not someone right there for you to talk to, but I am here for you to write to, care about what you're living, and "get" what you're saying.

One day at a time is the only way to take things. Actually, one moment at a time. Your faith, your heart, will guide you and I'll be keeping you, your husband and your little four-year-old in my thoughts and prayers.

If you ever want to write again, please feel free.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Jen says:

I found out on Feb 15 that my husband and I were pregnant. We weren't planning it but we also were not doing anything to prevent it. Both of us were so filled with joy, it's hard to look back and remember that I was that happy. We hadn't even know for two weeks (Feb 24) when I started bleeding and was over come with fear of a miscarriage (I was 6 weeks pregnant), The doctor and nurse I went to were less than sympathetic saying, "this happens all the time" and "you're young you will get pregnant again" They didn't seem to understand that this didn't happen to me all the time and I wanted this baby more than anything. My husband and I prayed for this baby, blessed this baby and even thought about names (We chose Faith for our baby that we will not get to hold until we meet in heaven).My friend is pregnant right now and was only 4 weeks ahead of me. We talked about all the things we would go through together and all the things our babies would do together. Since the miscarriage it has taken every bit of my strength to visit with her (which we do often because our husband are friends) I want to be happy for her like I was when I was pregnant but right now I just am so angry and hurt. WHY ME LORD? I ask all the time. Its not just her either I live in a community with probably the highest birth rate in Canada. Everywhere I look everyone I see is showing a swollen belly and I never did because I lost my baby Faith.Probably one of the hardest things is that my baby was so small I was told to go home and it will pass naturally. My baby was flushed down the toilet (sorry for my bluntness). So small I couldn't even tell though I looked. The difficult part is no one really knows. My husband and I were waiting to tell people so only our family members and a few close close friends know, which leads to the endless questions of when are you going to get pregnant (we have been married less than a year)? Don't you want to be happy like all those other young Moms? and Have you had a pregnancy scare yet? Not their fault they don't know but what do I say to that? Actually we lost our first baby and maybe you should get out of our business. It's been 1 month and 17 days and it's like everyone has forgotten and moved on. Really don't get why I am the only one who is still hurting. I am so angry and short with my husband all the time. I am quiet and no longer confident in my work and I feel like my purpose has been lost. I ache every time I visit a friend with children. My husband talks about having another baby someday but I am no where near ready to even think about that. We want to do something for a memorial but even thinking about it sends me to tears. My womb feels so empty and only a mother who miscarried can understand that and my heart long to hold the child I never met. My faith in God is so shaken and this Easter as Christ was risen I sobbed not knowing how to be joyful. I feel so alone all the time please write me back so I know I am not.

Dear Jen,

You are not alone, and I am so, so sorry for your loss. I know the pain you're feeling, the ache, the emptiness and the sadness when you see women who are pregnant. It's something I struggled with, too- for quite a while.

Feeling so isolated makes it more difficult. When you can connect with women who have lived the same it helps. The grief is, sadly, something you will have to walk through. I want you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers and can write anytime.

Seeing pregnant women used to send me into a tailspin. I felt SO bad for feeling jealous and not happy for them. I wanted to feel happy for them, but usually felt a deep sadness over the baby I loved and never got to hold. No, you are not alone in this either. Please believe that.

It's very difficult to pick yourself up after losing your baby to miscarriage. You loved Faith. Grieving the loss of your little one is not easy. But, your baby was just as real as anyone else. Just because you didn't see her, doesn't mean you didn't love her. So please go easy on yourself and give yourself the time and space you need to feel and then...heal.

The only way to take things is a moment at a time. When/if you are ready for a memorial service, you will know it in your heart. It can be very simple, like setting balloons free into the air and reading a letter to your Faith. You can plant a special tree, etc., in honor of her. When/if you're ready to do something, it will at least give you a sense of closure. That doesn't mean you'll forget. I don't think you ever will. But, I know closure is a very important thing. I waited a LONG time after I miscarried to have a memorial service, (my best friend and I). I didn't know about them. When I miscarried, it simply wasn't talked about. I found the closure helped and felt very connected to my little one, (Alex).

There are so many ups and downs- emotionally, spiritually, physically. Hang on to your faith, to whatever support you can find, and try to believe you will get through this. I know you will, and also know there are days you wonder...how?

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and if you ever feel the need to write, I am here.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

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Hi Ellen, I wrote to you in December when I had my miscarriage and you brought me so much peace and comfort. I bought your book and read most of it. It was really helpful. I ended up losing my job after my d&c as I was told I needed to make up the time I missed for the loss. I stood firm to my contract to use my sick days, I was then told I was no longer employed in April. I lost my baby and my job at the same time. Some of the most hurtful things ever been said to me happened by my coworkers in the womens health medical field. I got pregnant unexpectedly in February. It wasnt planned but I was hopeful. I was sure that if God allowed this to happen, I trusted Him, that He would take care of my baby. I understood the first loss in some ways, sometimes things happen and my baby was too perfect for earth. That always brought me comfort. I knew that it was soon and I was at risk but I trusted. I did not have much feeling about the pregnancy however so I wouldnt get hurt. So at six weeks when I started bleeding, I figured well here we go this is over. The ultrasound showed a litle fluttering heart beat and large hemorrhage. It was risky but if I rested maybe it would be okay. Except I never told work. I was at the end of my contract, I couldnt rest. I have to kids to take care of. Everytime I did more than st down and rest, i would bleed heavy again. I bled for a week and had another ultrasound and my little fluttering heart beat was gone and the hemorrhage doubled. My baby was gone again. I never heard the heartbeat, but I saw it. It was a bit easier because of that. Instead of trying to do this at home again, which didnt work well last time...I chose to have surgery to remove my baby. Just needed to whole thing over, and I was sad....but I knew I should have waited to get pregnant. And this was my fault. My husband lifted my shirt as I rolled into the OR and said goodbye (the first time he showed how it affected him). It brought tears to my eyes. I couldnt take care of two of his babies now. I handled it all well really. But the hormone drop has hit and I feel like crap again. And I am out of work now. Lost my job and my second baby in four months. THis was the first year I didnt go to church on Easter. I just am having a hard time reconciling how I trusted he was going to take care of me and the baby. That he wouldnt have allowed this to happen to let the baby die again. I just really trusted him. I feel like well I guess I see what beauty has come from the ashes from my first loss. I have an empathy for my patients, a passion to let them know they will be okay. I just dont know why this time. I dont know if this makes sense. I feel like I have no idea what has happened to me the past six months of my life. Like I blinked and just bad things kept happening. Ready for good things to happen. Am staying home with my girls and enjoying them. Missing my angels but know they were too perfect to be here. Megz

Dear Megz,

I am so sorry for your loss...again. I do remember when you wrote me the first time. You've certainly been on an emotional roller coaster lately. Losing your baby and your job is a lot to carry. My heart goes out to you.

I think many of us go through times when we question our faith. When loss strikes, sometimes again and again, we can't help but ask why? It's as if everything we believed in has been shaken to the core and it's tough place to be. I know because I've walked it. You may wonder if this is some kind of 'test', or find yourself asking God how or why He'd let this happen to you? You may be wondering...haven't I had enough?

I can tell you I've walked the road, and can also say that we're all very different in how we come to grips with our faith when the world appears to be stacking the cards against us. All I know is after time, my faith dug itself out from the rubble left behind after my miscarriage...my divorce...and other losses that shook my world.

Like yours has been shaken. I can't tell you how sorry I am for this.

Time is the best healer, and I know it's cliche. You deserve and need time to heal. You mentioned spending time with your girls and I thank God you can do that and let their unconditional love for you help heal you along your path.

I don't have the answers, but when I look back at those times I questioned God the most, He must have been right there with me or I wouldn't have made through. I know I wouldn't have had the strength on my own. It came from the source I call God and I believe many of His angels lending a hand.

It took time for me to see it. It really did.

I'll be keeping you and yours in my thoughts and prayers. If you ever want to write again, the door is always open.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

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Hello Everyone,

I wanted you to know that my book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1), will be free (the Kindle version on Amazon.com), for one day, 4-9-12, (Monday). If you or someone you know has suffered a miscarriage, I hope you take advantage of this offer. It's so important to me to reach out to as many as I can and by making my book free for a day, I believe it will help.

My heart goes out to all who have suffered the pain after miscarriage, and you're all in my thoughts and prayers- always.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Anne says: I had a miscarriage a year ago this coming June. I already have 2 beautiful girls. I was not so happy at the time about expecting third, my husband was changing jobs and there was the possibility of moving, just a streesful time. At about 6 weeks, I started bleeding and cramping, went to the ER and sure enough was having a miscarriage. To be honest, I didn't expect to feel so emotional. I ended up depressed, gained weight, and went overboard on spending for my girls. After a couple months, I started to move on, haven't really thought about it much. Until today, my oldest's 5th birthday. I made it through the day fine, but tonight I can't stop crying, it just feels like someone is missing. The baby would have been about 6 weeks old I think. I really thought I was over this. And in some ways I feel like its my fault, because I just didn't want to deal with another baby. I wanted to have a third, just not at that time. Butdeep down I loved the baby, I'd sit in the swing watching the girls play and think next year they'll be a third. Is it normal to just totally have a breakdown like this? It feels like it happened so long ago.

Dear Anne,

I am so sorry for your loss. Speaking as someone who has lived through the same, I know the pain crept up on me and felt like it threw me down for a while. I know you got through your son's birthday, but that feeling you had all day long...like someone was missing, was eating away at you. It sounds to me like your emotions came spilling out when you finally had the chance to be alone and feel.

There have been many times, especially around the anniversary of either my baby's due date or around the time I miscarried, when I felt broken. The tears would start and it felt like living the pain all over again. And, it happened a year after, and two, three...

That's not to say I didn't heal. I did. I also grew. But, it took time and I believe the same applies to you. A year isn't very long, even though it feels like it is. Triggers like wondering what your baby would be like as an infant on your son's birthday would cause me to be overcome by emotion.

It's all those 'what ifs and could have beens'.

My heart goes out to you and if you really find yourself stuck, or feeling like you're slipping into a depression, I'd talk it out with someone. You're always welcome to write me, although I'm not a professional 'anything'- but I care, will listen, and hopefully you'll feel less alone.

I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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Ran says:

hi i went through termination of pregnancy on april 2011, a week after my first trimister. i cry cry until today for my baby. i dont know if i can get my baby back. but i promised my baby i will bring him/her back into this world. this termination is not at my will but was for my husband. being a mother i still feel desserted. its going to be a year now but i am not out of it. any advice pls?

Dear Ran, 

I am so sorry for your loss and for the struggles you're going through. It sounds like you wanted your baby and were at odds with your husband. Your grief is very real and I know you miss your baby and are in pain over this.

I don't know if you've talked things over with your husband, but I gently suggest you do. I'd wouldn't like to see you in the same position with him again- where you want the baby and he doesn't. It sounds like there are many layers to what you're going through. Does he want another child? You want another child. Can you come to terms on this together? I'm no counselor, but that's what my heart is guiding me to say.

I've done some reading grief experienced after an abortion and a miscarriage. I would recommend this book, "Her Choice to Heal", (I am sorry but I can't remember the author's name. You can find it on Amazon). While I know one loss is by choice, I want to only talk about your grief. It's very much the same for a lot of women. They grieve the child they never knew and on top of it, many women beat themselves up emotionally. When you add it all up, it's a lot to handle and my heart goes out to you.

I do hope you can reach a place of peace within yourself and between you and your husband. I know how much you want another baby and miss the one you don't have, who I believe loves you and is in Heaven.

Please let me know how you are doing, and you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light, Ellen

Ran says:

Dear Ellen,

   Thankyou so much. your email makes me feel a sort of comfort. he and me wants another child but not very soon because my health is affected after my baby loss. he realised his mistake after the baby loss. he feels very sorry for it. its exactly a month after my baby loss, he lost his mother on the same date unexpectedly. its a sudden death for my aunt. its like he is feeling very guilty that its for his mistake he has lost his mother. but i wish let us both cross these sorrows soon for a better life. anyways thankyou so much. thankyou for your prayers for us. thankyou so much.

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As March comes to a close and April waits in the wings, I often think about my own baby, surrounded by the loving wings of angels. I never did hold him, but loved him with all my heart and soul.

It was the end of April, two decades ago, when I lost my son to miscarriage. Around this time of year, as we usher in new life with the beautiful buds waiting to burst forth, I reflect upon a life that was. A life when I anticipated the arrival of my bundle of joy.

It was never to be.

Life has taught me many lessons, and it seems most have been learned through pain and/or adversity. That's not to say there isn't a great deal of joy in my life. There is.

Personally, I've learned the most, or become the strongest, from what forced me into a very uncomfortable zone. Sadly, my miscarriage was one of those things. I mean, look at me, this site, my book. None of it would be here had I not lived through and survived the pain. For that I'm grateful because so many of you have felt safe sharing your feelings here and that helps you heal. My book has helped people- it's provided a degree of comfort and I'm very grateful for that, too.

Would I want to do it all over again? Live through the pain and heartache of miscarriage? No.

However, it was in my cards, so to speak, and my heart goes out to each and every woman who has had to pick up the pieces of her life after losing a baby, or babies, to miscarriage. I know all too well what you're living.

So, I look back and look forward. I see what I've lived and remember how I felt after my miscarriage like it was yesterday. I look forward and see what MiscarriageHelp.com has done, how it's grown and how I have grown right along with it.

To all of you who have lost a baby to miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss and you're in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

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