MiscarriageHelp.com

MiscarriageHelp.com

Miscarriage- It still stings to look at an ultrasound screen.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/21/14



It's been a heck of a summer. There have been great times and some health battles I wasn't expecting.

Do we ever expect them?

My sciatica started giving me problems in June during our annual music concert, (I teach kids piano). I took a step down and wham! A shooting pain like no other I've felt shocked the hell out of my left leg. Since then it's been physical therapy twice a week. There's been much improvement and I'm exercising more. That's a plus.

I also had a mammography guided core biopsy on my right breast. Thank God everything turned out okay. I won't tell you it didn't scare the crap out of me...But, the end result is what's most important. Thank you, God.

Back to the sciatica. The numbness that developed in my left heel has not gone away. An MRI was ordered a week or so ago. Although I don't like them, (yikes to being in those dreaded, loud machines!), I got through it. That's how I roll. (Yeah, right.)

Fast forward to the call from my orthopedic doctor about the MRI results. We talked about a disc pinching the nerve root. I was told to keep up with the physical therapy and an injection may do me some good in relieving the inflamation on the nerve. However, he was more concerned with a large cyst on my right ovaries.

I've known about my fibroids since 2001 when my nephew was born. As a matter of fact, the day he was born I was two floors below the maternity ward having my very first transvaginal ultrasound.

Talk about two ends of the emotional spectrum.

I digress. I had another transvaginal ultrasound in 2007. Well, I can't say that anymore because I just had one on 8-9-14.

It seems my fibroids have grown...considerably. I won't know what my options are until I meet with an OBGYN, which will be next week. When my primary called me yesterday, I was driving. (I have a blue tooth so both hands were on the wheel.) I was shocked when she the fibroid over my right ovaries has tripled in size since 2007. I was even more shocked when she said I'd have to get it removed.

You know, I don't know how it'll be done or when. I have an appointment booked with an OBGYN next week and I'll learn more. The only thing I know right now is that I have to stay positive and focus on my faith, not my fear.

I also have to get a grip on saying goodbye to my fertility. I was already struggling with it before all the "you know what" hit the fan, (perimenopause and all the stuff that goes with it). I've had flashbacks to my very first, (ever), ultrasound some twenty plus years ago. That's the day I learned my baby had passed away. It was such a horrible day, week, month, year. My miscarriage left me with battle wounds and scars. Ever since,  I can't help but remember that fateful day, especially when I look at images of my womb on an ultrasound screen. It's embedded into my soul- part of who I am. My loss changed me and although twenty plus years have passed, there are still triggers, like what's going on right now, that remind me of my precious, little one I loved with all my heart, but never got to hold.

So, if you're going through some "stuff" and you find yourself remembering the way you felt when you miscarried, know you're not alone. It doesn't matter how much time has passed. We all have trigger points and sometimes, they seem to come from several directions and all at once.

It still stings to look at an ultrasound screen.

I guess it's a part of life. I think it helps to know you're not alone in it. I know it helps me.

 

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

 

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



"Nine Things Never to Say to a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage"- WomansDay

by Ellen DuBois on 08/18/14

"DuBois gives us four golden words: "It wasn't your fault." This phrase gently reassures those who are still trying to make sense of what has happened to them." -Naomi Williamson, WomansDay.com


 

(Photo by Getty Images)

Hello Everyone,

If you're here, more than likely you've suffered a miscarriage. I am so sorry for your loss ad I hope you find the posts on this site helpful during this very difficult time.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked by a freelance writer for WomansDay to answer some questions about miscarriage: what to say, what not to say, the most helpful things you can do to support a woman who has experience a miscarriage, etc. for a piece she was working on. I was more than happy to oblige because I want to help. I was honored to be asked.

I found the article on WomansDay.com. Both this site, (MiscarriageHelp.com), & my book, (I Never Held You), were mentioned, along with a few quotes and some other very valuable miscarriage support resources. I am very grateful to be a part of this important piece.

Perhaps it would be good idea to print it out and give it to your husband, partner, friend, a family member, etc., if they just don't "get" where you're coming from or know how to help you. This article will provide them with some very valuable tools, enabling them to better support you.

Here is the link to the WomansDay.com article, "Nine Things Never to Say to a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage".  I hope this piece provides you with some resources as you heal and is read by those who want to know how to support someone after such a loss. I think there's a big question mark in many people's minds regarding this topic. So many don't know what to say, or say the wrong things. This article and the resources provided by Naomi Williamson sheds some much needed light on how to support a woman who has miscarried, and how not to.

Click here to read "Nine Things Never to Say to a Woman Who's Had a Miscarriage" by Naomi Williamson, WomansDay.com.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



 

MiscarriageHelp- Words: Hurt or Heal

by Ellen DuBois on 08/14/14



Tweeted this last night: "Words hurt. They can be taken back, but the scar remains. Be cautious with your words. They have the power to heal or hurt." #wordshurt

I think this applies to all life's experiences- to all of us.

To those who have endured the loss of a baby to miscarriage, you know what it's like when someone says something like, "Don't you think you should be over this?" If people take the time to think before they speak, there would be a lot more healing and far less hurting.

I am so sorry for your loss. (That's really all it takes.)

Sending you all love and prayers,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



MiscarriageHelp.com- Over The Rainbow

by Ellen DuBois on 08/12/14



The song "Somewhere Over The Rainbow" ran through my mind, very unexpectedly, as I sat to write this post. I just let the words flow and they related to the pain and loss experienced after miscarriage- after so many losses.  Here's what "came out":

Somewhere, over the rainbow-

I know you're there.

There's an ache in my heart.

How I wish you were here.

Somewhere, over the rainbow-

You are free.

I know you're very happy.

But, I want you here with me.

I know it cannot be that way-

But, still I look to God and pray

Please help me.

Help me get through this dreary pain

and feel the sun instead of rain.

Dear God, please help me...

Somewhere, over the rainbow-

your spirit flies.

One day, I'll finally hold you-

There, on the other side.


Ellen M. DuBois 2014



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



A Beautiful, Healing Song About Losing a Baby to Miscarriage

by Ellen DuBois on 08/08/14

Hello Everyone,

This comment came through my Facebook page for MiscarriageHelp.com, (you can find it here).

My heart goes out to this couple and to all who have suffered the loss a baby, or more than one, to miscarriage.

What a touching song this man wrote. Very touching.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen

Katie says: "Wanted to share a song my husband wrote after losing 2 babies to miscarriage in the past 4 months Just wanted to share in case maybe it could help anyone else going through this right now, thank you. Feel free to share with anyone it can help."

I have a feeling many will find this to be a beautiful ray of hope and healing during such a sad time.
Click here for A Better Place, (song) by Rodney Watts.

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage Help: A Heart In The Sky

by Ellen DuBois on 08/04/14



I was at a local airport yesterday. My fiance had some work to do on his plane and I went along. I was hoping my headache would diminish enough so I'd feel up to flying. But, it didn't happen.

While he was working in the hangar, I decided to do one of the things I like best- take pictures. It's a great distraction for me and I'm always amazed at the things I see, especially in nature.

At one point, I looked to the sky. It was a cloudy day, but the sun broke through here and there. Who can say why I looked up when I did, but I couldn't help but see what looked like, (to me, after all, they're clouds), a heart in the sky. I took a couple of shots and saw something else. Next to the heart was what looked like an ultrasound image. It was a combination of the shapes and shades of gray.

I felt a warmth grow inside as I thought of the sweet baby I lost so many years ago. It was like a message from the other side from my baby: I'm okay and love you very much.

Perhaps, it was meant for me to share with you.

To all who have lost a baby to miscarriage, stillbirth- to anyone who has endured the loss of a child, I am deeply sorry and keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage "I'm secretly angry and sad."

by Ellen DuBois on 07/28/14



A couple of days ago I received this email from a woman named "G". My heart went out to her. Here's what she wrote and my response:

I'm secretly angry and sad. Miscarriage

G Says: Hi, I'm not sure if I need to speak to someone, I'm feeling grieve all of a sudden because of 4 miscarriages I have had, last one in July 2012. I resent people who talk about miscarriage of a friend or seeing someone's scans on facebook. I'm feeling like I'm going backwards with my emotions. I want to talk about what happened to me but know I can't anymore. I hate my loss being wiped away like nothing happened. I hate my friends assuming I'm ok and if I do mention my miscarriages, it's dismissed as if I am over it. I'm secretly angry and sad. I do have one 5 yoa son and a husband who is caring but I don't want to drag up the feelings of the miscarriages for him anymore, it just doesn't feel like it achieves anything for us. What I want is a friend to ask if I'm ok and do I want to talk about it but that'll never ever happen. Sorry, think my rant was needed. I keep saying to myself 'I'll get over it' and act fine and happy around my good friend who has a son who is exactly the same age as my 4th miscarriage but you know what I'm not . I need some sort of acknowledgement for times like this....phew...sorry again! G


Dear G,

You don't need to apologize. I am so sorry for your losses and completely understand your emotions coming to the surface. With each miscarriage, you lost a precious baby and you're grieving four losses- that's a lot to carry by yourself.

I think you should talk about it for your health. You have every right to grieve and feel.

Are you able to talk to a counselor of some sort? You have so many emotions going on at once and you'd probably feel some relief having someone to talk to. It doesn't have to be a counselor, just a suggestion. Letting your feelings out often helps you to heal. It also can explain why you're feeling certain ways and help guide you down the path of healing.

I don't know if you've had a memorial of some sort for your babies, but I think it would help give you some closure. It can be anything that speaks to your heart. I guess an example of this would be planting a small tree or a little rose bush, etc., in honor of the babies you lost. It's a way of saying "they mattered and were loved". There is so little, if any, closure after miscarriage. It feels like everything is just left hanging in the air. You could also write a letter to your babies and read it to them. I did, and it was seventeen years after my miscarriage. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I set it free into the air and watched as it disappeared.

I felt closure. I needed it, and you probably do, too.

That doesn't mean you forget nor should anyone expect you to. Healing takes time and each loss is grieved separately.

Please give yourself the time you need. two years is not a long time, although I know sometimes it feels like an eternity.

If you ever want to talk, I'm here. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Love and Blessings to you and yours,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I' ve had a miscarriage...does anybody hear me?

by Ellen DuBois on 07/22/14


Hello. I'm Ellen M. DuBois, author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery and Host of MiscarriageHelp.com, the companion support site to my book. Having experienced a miscarriage myself, I know first-hand the pain, isolation and often dismissive attitudes which accompany miscarriage. I am here to do my part in bringing miscarriage support and awareness to light.

I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some twenty-plus years ago). Every time I searched through a maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one. Especially not to miscarriage. There were some books on losing a child already born to this earth. But, what about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?

Hence, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery was born. It was born out of a need deep within myself to reach out to others. I didn't want any woman to feel as alone and unsure of herself after miscarriage as I did. In the process of writing my book, I helped myself. By sharing my story, I literally began to heal more and more- even eleven years after my miscarriage. You'd think the healing would have been over. It wasn't. It's a process and everyone is different.

Healing certainly doesn't mean forgetting the baby boy I miscarried. Alex will forever remain in my heart- a part of my soul. We are connected forever.

I believe we all have a path in this life, and miscarriage was part of mine. Had I not lived through the pain, I'd have nothing to offer in terms of empathy. Would I want to live through it again? No way. However, when looking at my life, I clearly see how adversity and pain were transmuted into strength and support. I am grateful. I am grateful and thank God for the opportunity to use the world-wide platform called the Internet to feed my passion for reaching out to women and their families who have lost babies to miscarriage. I am grateful for providing a place of comfort, bonding and support through my website. I am grateful to have had my book published by a publisher who not only believed in me, but in my message of hope, healing and a quality life after miscarriage. A changed life, scars and all, but life with joy just the same. Joy is something you feel has been stomped out like the embers of a fire after miscarriage. You wonder if it'll ever return. I know I wondered...and waited...and cried.

Those tears left room for healing and joy to fill my life again. I will always have a special place reserved in my heart for my son, Alex. Without him and his brief but powerful stay with me, I wouldn't be here right now talking to you about my path towards healing and recovery after miscarriage. He gave me this gift, and I will not ignore his voice from Heaven as he speaks to my soul, "I love you. Please take what you've learned and use it to help others." I say back to my precious son, "I love you, too. Until we meet again on the other side, where I will finally get to hold you."

Love and Light to you, and I'm sorry for your loss.

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: You're Normal in Feeling Abnormal

by Ellen DuBois on 07/21/14



As I sat here wondering what to say, my mind drifted back to a time in my life some twenty-two years ago. It was a scary, sad and very isolating time. It was a chapter in my life when the world seemed cloaked under a dark, ominous cloud.

I just erased a couple of paragraphs after reading them aloud. I want this post to reflect what I would have wanted to hear after my miscarriage, not so much how I felt. I think you know how I felt because you're living it and I'm so sorry. I am sorry for your loss.

That's number one, right there. I wanted someone to say they were sorry for my loss. It was real- REAL- and it seemed I was the only one who got it.

You're not going crazy. That's number two. You might be crying while you're reading this, (I'm sorry if you are), and then you might get up and the tears may stop as quickly as they came. It is normal to feel like you're on an emotional roller coaster because you are. You're grieving and your body is flipping out because your hormones, everything, need to settle down.  I'm not a doctor so I'm not using medical terms here. I just know what it feels like lie on the floor in a heap of tears and then to get up, breathe and get on with whatever it is you have to do. I know it's terrible and I also know you are not crazy. Look yourself in the mirror if you have to and tell yourself you're okay. It's okay. You need to let it out and when it happens, it happens.

Number three: You are not a bad person or an "evil woman" for feeling jealous of pregnant women. You're not alone in your avoidance of baby showers, baby commercials, baby anything. I used to avoid everything, including pregnant women and/or women with children after I miscarried. I felt terrible about myself. Who would do that? I'll tell you who- a woman who just lost her baby. A woman who left the hospital, or her home, without the baby she loved, dreamed about, talked to throughout the day. You're not evil. You're grieving and I know it's a tough walk. You are not alone in feeling like you do. I promise you that.

Number four: You will heal in time and in your own way, but that doesn't mean you have to forget your baby. My, God- that would be impossible. I've healed. I'll also never, ever forget the baby I still feel connected to in spirit.  My baby was a part of me and still is. I don't want to get into my beliefs here. However, if anyone expects you to "forget about it", they don't have a clue. Your life will take on a new normal. There will come a day when you feel like you're actually living again and enjoying your life. It'll happen. And, just as with any other loss, you won't forget your baby or the road you traveled to heal. But, you're going to be okay. Just give yourself the time and space you need to grieve, feel and heal.

Number five: It's perfectly fine, even a good thing, to do something to remember your baby's brief but life altering stay with you. I wish I knew then what I know now. What do I mean? Well, if you want to have a memorial for your baby, do it. Please follow your heart. I waited many years to have a memorial for my baby because I didn't know, (I'm repeating myself), what I know now about them. People have opened up and talked about the importance of doing something in remembrance of your baby. It doesn't matter what it is. I learned this, too. The first thing I ever did in remembrance of my baby was to buy a necklace with a charm. There were baby footprints on one side and the words "Always in my heart" on the other. I still have it. When people asked me about it, I told them it was for the baby I miscarried. It was like saying to the world, "My loss and my baby mattered and still do."

Years later, I had a memorial service and it was just my best friend and I. I read a note I wrote to my baby out loud. I had a little basked with a cross, a baby outfit and a few other things with me. They were symbols of love, to me. We're all different so please, do whatever feels right to you. I also had a balloon and wrote the words "I Love You" on it. After reading my letter, I released the balloon and watched it float into the air, above the tree tops and into eternity. And you know what? I smiled. I finally felt closure.

Clearly, I hadn't forgotten my baby. After all, I held his memorial seventeen years after losing him. In all those years I healed, but not once did I forget and not once did I feel closure. Having a memorial, (even something as simple as what I did), gave me the closure I needed.

Number six: All you can do is your best and your best is good enough. That's important. Take things one day at a time. If that's too much, take things one moment at a time. If that's too much, take things one milli-moment at a time.  

I hope you believe you're normal in feeling abnormal. Actually, I pray that makes sense to you. I guess for a while, feeling "abnormal" is your new normal. But, don't worry. It won't stay like that forever. You'll grow into your new normal as you heal. There will come a time when the dark, ominous cloud lifts.

Love and Light to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriagehelp.com- I'm Here For You

by Ellen DuBois on 07/16/14



I'm here for you.

God gave me ears to listen to you,

arms to hug you,

a heart to love you,

compassion to care about you.

Your pain may seem invisible,

but, not to me.

I feel the pain behind your smile.

Through good times and bad,

I'm here for you.

Ellen M. DuBois



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- Between Heaven & Earth

by Ellen DuBois on 07/11/14



"I believe we meet somewhere between Heaven and earth in our dreams. I hold you tight and know...You will always be my child. I will always be your mother. How I love you so..."

 

Ellen M. DuBois, 2014

 



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- Grief and Hope After Miscarriage.

by Ellen DuBois on 07/04/14



"Even during the depths of grief, when your world feels upside down and you barely recognize yourself- Hope rises from your soul and gives you strength to walk through oceans of tears, to dryer land."- Ellen M. DuBois

I received a comment in this blog from a woman who, at 38, miscarried. Her year and a half journey to pregnancy ended after using hormones and artificial insemination.

My heart goes out to her. I am deeply sorry for her loss.

I also am inspired by her. Her words touched me- in particular, this statement: "I want to re-experience the kind of joy this baby gave me and move on with my life knowing this baby taught me how to be vulnerable to the joys and heartbreak of unconditional love."

Hope is there throughout our grief. Lessons of love touch our hearts at the most unexpected times. Life is full of twists and turns- some joyful, some painful. Yet, we push on, even amidst our tears because we know there is a better place, a happier time coming after we've finished one of many journeys.

To anyone reading this who has miscarried, I am so sorry for your loss and I pray you feel hope nudging you. Hope will give you the strength you need to grieve, heal, feel and will be beside you as make the journey to the other side of your pain.

Love and Light,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- "Waiting to complete my miscarriage."

by Ellen DuBois on 06/30/14



Hello Everyone,

I received this comment and I feel so much for this woman. She's at home waiting to miscarry. When I read her post, it had already been a week since she'd found out her baby passed away. She was sent home to 'wait it out'. What a nightmare she must be living through. So, I am sharing her post in the hope that anyone who has been through the same will share something with her, making her feel less alone. When we connect, it really does help.

Here is her comment:

Waiting to complete my miscarriage
Hello, I am reaching out to you for some guidance and support I guess. I was told 2 weeks ago at an ultrasound that I had an empty gestational sac. My RE wasn't ready to give up hope and told me to give it a week. On my next U/S he saw an extremely large gestational sac with no fetal activity and told me the baby died and I should go off all hormone supplements to allow the miscarriage to complete naturally. It has been a week since then and I am still not bleeding and have my morning sickness and other pregnancy symptoms. I know the inevitable is coming but am so devastated and confused. I am scared, and alone, and trying to be strong but just want to break down and cry. Can you tell me what to expect and how long this waiting game might go on? I don't know if I can take it for much longer. I have had sporadic cramping but no bleeding- not even spotting. Earlier today I had contraction like pain and was sure it was going to be the start but the cramping stopped and I am now just feeling nauseous and depressed. Any help is appreciated, thank you in advance.


My response

I am so sorry for what you're going through and for your loss. I've talked to women who have waited at home to miscarry, like you, and it's so hard- emotionally and physically. I had a D&C under my doctor's advice after waiting for a few days, which seemed like an eternity. I can't imagine what over a week is like.

I wish I had the right words for you. Not being a doctor, I don't know the answers.

Being a woman who has miscarried, I do understand how you must be feeling. I don't know how strong you can be during a time like this. The best you can do is good enough and if you need to let those tears fall, I hope you do. I pray there's someone near you to help you out.

I am incredibly sorry you are living through this. Please know I am here. I know it doesn't do much, but you are in my thoughts and prayers.

I will post this on the blog so anyone who has lived through the same can respond. I won't include your name, but perhaps someone who has had to wait to miscarry will share their experience, making you feel a bit more connected to someone who has lived it.

My heart goes out to you and please, when you're able, let me know how you're doing.

Love, Comfort and Blessings to you,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage Help- Feeling Alone & Isolated

by Ellen DuBois on 06/29/14



"There are times I feel I'm surrounded by people who don't understand me or my pain. It's lonely and so isolating. When I take the time to look outside of my suffering, I find one who feels exactly like me. We find strength in each other- and I know I am not alone."- Ellen M. DuBois



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: It rocked my world and I hurt.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/21/14



Please don't feel like you can't ask me how I'm doing because I miscarried. It's like not asking a person who recently lost a son, daughter or parent, how they're doing. When you don't ask how I'm doing, it feels like my loss is insignificant to you, and it's anything but.

It rocked my world and I hurt.
- Ellen M. DuBois

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage Help: "Angel's Kiss"

by Ellen DuBois on 06/20/14

Angel's Kiss



It's my selfishness
that makes me cry.
I wasn't ready
to say good-bye.

I wasn't ready
to let you go.
I pray you know
I loved you so.

It's me, not you
who suffers here.
I know your life
goes on, somewhere.

I know that I should
celebrate.
You've walked through
Heaven's glorious gate.

But, still I can't stop
thinking of,
your smile, your touch,
your special love.

I know that you hear
what I say.
It's just done in a
different way.

And, so I want to
send you this~
to you, the one
I love and miss~

All my love upon an
Angel's Kiss.

Ellen M. DuBois



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

MiscarriageHelp.com- "The Other Side"

by Ellen DuBois on 06/16/14



The Other Side
by Ellen M. DuBois

I feel you all the time.
In my heart, my soul, my mind.
It feels like an eternity,
since you went to the other side.

I know there's a bigger plan.
A plan I can not see.
It takes faith to walk this path,
without you here by me.

Faith has been my strength.
Belief has been my guide.
It will be that way until-
I meet you on the other side.

Ellen M. DuBois, 2014



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage Help- "A Letter To Our Unborn Child"

by Ellen DuBois on 06/15/14



Hello Everyone,

A women named Bianca recently suffered a miscarriage. I am so sorry for her loss and for yours.

She wrote a beautiful poem and gave me permission to share it with you. In her words, "Even if my poem helps 1 person i'll be glad then I know that I have helped another mother that is going thru what I went thru, something some women never experience."

So, thank you, Bianca. For sharing your heart and allowing me to share it here with others.

A Letter To Our Unborn Child:

So quickly you came into our lives, So quickly torn away. Never got the chance to meet you, There's so much we wanted to say. Where there once was joy and happiness, Is now sadness and pain. All these thoughts running through our heads, It's enough to drive us insane. Though you lived only ten short weeks, You were loved so very much. We wish that we could hold you, we long to feel your touch. On that night of May 8th, our world was ripped from under our feet. We pray that in another life, We get the chance to meet you. We never had the chance, To hear you talk or hold your hand, Our time ran out Before you could walk..You were born with wings. We never thought the Lord would take you away from us so soon..A sign we knew, That the Man upstairs Would soon come for you. We never had a chance To see your eyes, He took you away With no time for good byes, We think of you often And wonder why, We never had a chance To hear your first cry. All we have is dreams of you, those of which, will never come true. Our heart sank the day that we knew, we would never get to meet you. We had made plans, and had aspirations. But, we'll never forget that dismal day, around in the afternoon. The day we knew something was not right, and through many tears we would have to fight. Now, all we can do is dream every night, about what life would have been like. What if you really had been born? But all we have is dreams of that, and all we can do is mourn. We will not mourn for you though, because we know you're where you need to be, even though it isn't here with us. You were a special little angel An enchanting rose, we never had the chance To watch you grow, Or hear your laugh. I never had the chance To give you a mother's love, But we know you're always there Watching over us from above. You are our angel baby because God wanted you with Him. Now, forever with his angels, His praises you will sing..None of our dreams for you will ever come true, because of that day God chose to take you. But, our angel baby you will always be, in our heart forever, forever a part of us always Rest in peace our baby angel. We will meet you up in heaven when our time comes to be with you and our family .. We miss you so much and always remember mommy & daddy love you!- Written by Bianca Ludick

Thank you again, Bianca. To all who have suffered a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.

Love and Light,

Ellen


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

 

You're not "Nuts"- 10 things you may be feeling after miscarriage.

by Ellen DuBois on 06/12/14



You're not "Nuts"- 10 things you may be feeling after miscarriage.

Although it's been over twenty years since my miscarriage, I remember exactly how I felt from the moment I found out my baby was no longer alive.

One of the scariest feelings was thinking I was going nuts. I really did think I was losing it.

So, I'm sharing how I felt after my miscarriage in the hopes that you'll relate on some level and not feel so alone.

Believe me, you are not and I am so sorry for your loss.

1. Feeling detached after I found out my baby had died. I felt like I was watching a movie of someone else's life. As the doctor told me my "fetus was no longer viable", his words echoed through my head, but my mind was someplace else. Looking back, I believe it was my body's way of preserving itself. I was in shock and feeling detached kept me from becoming a mass of tears. At least while I was there, in the ultra sound room.

2. The sense of detachment followed me on the drive home. I was quiet, although I felt like I was screaming on the inside. I was quiet, but I wanted to yell at someone, something- it didn't matter. But, I didn't. I just sat there, looking out the window knowing my life had changed forever- and not in the way I wanted.

3. Feeling alone in a room full of people. After my miscarriage, I felt very separate from everyone and everything around me. I went through the motions, but felt like an empty shell.

4. I missed my baby more than anything, even though I never held him. I missed everything about my baby. I missed not having him inside of my womb, thriving. I missed the anticipation of his arrival. I ached to have him back, to be pregnant with him again, to turn back the hands of time. I knew I couldn't, but I wanted to. I missed thinking about what he'd be like, what my life with him would be like, what it would be like to celebrate all of his firsts. There was an ache inside me that was so strong and I couldn't stop it.

5. I was sad all the time and I cried a lot. I mean A LOT. One minute I'd be okay, at least getting by, and the next I'd be sobbing so hard it hurt, literally. I wanted someone to wake me up from the nightmare, but I was already awake.

6. I was jealous of women who were pregnant and couldn't stand myself for feeling that way. What kind of person was I? I came to realize it wasn't them, per say, it was what a pregnant woman represented to me: the baby I'd lost. It took me a long time to get past those feelings.

7. Struggling every time I had to buy a baby gift. Sure, it was a happy occasion for someone. I wanted them to be happy. But, buying baby gifts seemed impossible. Somehow, I did it. But, there was always the feeling that I wished I were buying the baby clothes, toys, etc. for my baby. The baby I loved, missed and never held.

8. Am I nuts? As time went on and I continued to cry at unexpected moments, I wondered if I was losing my grip. I cried a lot in my car because I was alone and nobody could say anything to me. Was I normal? Was I stuck in a place I couldn't find my way out of? Would the world always seem such gray place? Would the ache ever go away? Was I nuts?

9. There are many relationships that survive miscarriage. Mine was not one of them. I felt the distance growing between my ex and I. I wanted to bridge the gap, but didn't know how. I felt like I shouldn't always be the one reaching out to talk, only to have my feelings dismissed. It was sad and it hurt, but that's the way it was for me. Like I said, there are many relationships that survive miscarriage. It's clear to me now there were problems between us long before I miscarried.

10. Blaming myself for my miscarriage. God, it was terrible. I know it wasn't my fault...now. But, after my miscarriage, when nobody could tell me why it happened, I felt like a complete failure. After all. women had babies all the time and there I was, unable to. What did I do? I searched for the answers and came up empty handed. Yet, I still felt like a failure for some time.

If you've felt any of these things, please know you are not alone. I've walked the road and although our feelings may differ to varying degrees, we've all felt them. I know it doesn't really change things, but I hope you feel less alone on your journey to healing.

God Bless,

Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

Miscarriage: I still wonder...

by Ellen DuBois on 05/30/14



"There are times, even now, when I wonder what it would be like to hold your hand- to feel your little fingers touch mine."- Ellen M. DuBois

It's true. I know my son would have been 22 had he stayed here. That's a long time. But, love ties us forever. I believe we are connected by the golden thread of love and with that comes a wealth of emotion.

There's not a time limit to missing someone you love. I still miss my grandparents and others who have places in my heart reserved for them. I believe they are with me in spirit. I believe they made a transition to the other side and are very much alive.

But...

When you're the one left on earth, you miss the ones you love who aren't. That includes the baby you loved and never held or watched grow up, etc.

It's okay when feelings surface even after twenty-some-odd-years. It's the way it is for me, and it's different for everyone. Me? I still think about my baby. I'm not caught up like I was during those very dark, sad times following my miscarriage. God, it was awful. I've healed, but I haven't forgotten. How could I? Why would I? For me, that would be impossible. Just like I'll never forget my Nana, my Pop, Grammy and more.

My baby was real and the love that tied us and still does will always be real.

I send my love to my son, Alex, and to all of you who feel the ache- I am so sorry for your loss.

God Bless,

Ellen



MiscarriageHelp.com
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Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." - Ellen M. DuBois
Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1). If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. (There's a link at the top of this page and right below this). Love & comfort to you, Ellen




The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



I remember going into bookstores searching for something to assure me I wasn't alone in my struggle. Nothing was available back then, (some nineteen years ago). Every time I searched through the maze of books, I'd find ones about having a baby- not losing one-especially not to miscarriage. What about those of us who never got to see or hold our babies?- Ellen M. DuBois"

MiscarriageHelp.com is your safe place to share your feelings after miscarriage. Share your feelings, gain support. I am here for you, we are all here for you.

Your miscarriage and all the feelings associated with your loss are real. Your baby was real. I know your pain, and want to help as much as I can. You are heard and cared about here-- and by no means are you alone. I know sometimes it feels like you are, but we, the women and families who have suffered the emotional pain after miscarriage are walking beside you with empathy and understanding.

I've been the Host of MiscarriageHelp.com since 2006, and there are hundreds of posts to read, along with my responses and those of others who opened their hearts - offering support, words of love, hope and so much more.

On this first page, you will find posts from this point onward. Miscarriage posts from 2006-2010, (prior to MiscarriageHelp's new location) are in the "Posts" links in the menu. If you feel ready to open your mind, heart and spirit, please share whatever you're feeling on this page. You'll find the area to post above, (on this page).

There is no right or wrong way to feel after miscarriage. Believe me, I've run the emotional spectrum, as so many of us have after miscarriage.

Please post your comments in the blog or email me. I will answer each and every one of your posts.

Much Love and Light to you, and loads of support. Again, I am deeply sorry for your loss.
Ellen

I Never Held You speaks to the heart of women, their families and friends who have either lived through the pain & grief after miscarriage, or who want to better support someone who has. Author Ellen M. DuBois shares her own painful journey after miscarriage taking you from her darkest moments of grief, despair, isolation, anxiety, fear and depression to the steps she took towards healing and recovery. Her suggestions prove to be helpful in balancing the emotional peaks and valleys after suffering such a heartbreaking loss. I Never Held You validates your grief after losing a baby to miscarriage, and assures you that you're not alone in your struggle. With the help of contributing author Dr. Linda Backman, Ed.D., licensed grief counselor, psychologist and author, you'll come to better understand grief- and why it's so important to allow yourself the time necessary to heal. If you're looking for help and support after miscarriage, or want to help someone how has miscarried, this is the book for you. Companion website: MiscarriageHelp.com
Click here to order your copy.

Click here to visit Amazon.com for Ellen's miscarriage book, I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery (Volume 1) .



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