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Miscarriage: A Grieving Grandmother & Mother. Wanting to Help Your Adult Children.

by Ellen DuBois on 09/13/16



Quite some time ago, I got an email from a woman who was trying her best to be there for her son and daughter in law who had just miscarried. Not only was she grieving the loss of her grandchild, she was a mother who wanted to reach out and comfort her son and his wife. Here's what I wrote to her.

Dear K,

I am so sorry for your loss, and for the loss your son and daughter-in-law are experiencing. You're in a very difficult situation because you're grieving, too, and also want to offer your support as a mother.

While speaking to a friend last night, she said that seeing her son cry when her husband was very ill, (he passed away), was one of the most difficult things to endure. Not only was she emotionally drained from loving and caring for her sick husband, as a mother, her instinct was to help her son, too. As she said, "Seeing him cry like that was devastating."

You've got a full plate, and so do your son and daughter-in-law. Your strength and dediction to support them in their time of need while you're in pain is touching beyond measure.

It sounds like you've got a close relationship. You were there when the ultrasound was done and were present when the horrible news of the baby's death happened.

Seems to me you're a wonderful constant in both your son and daughter in law's lives.

The best way to help is to continue being just WHO YOU ARE. You're already there for them, and while there's nothing you can do to take away the pain, the act of being around, listening, not dismissing the loss of this precious baby, and realizing that your son and daughter are grieving, is more than many people who live this could hope for. You WANT to know the ‘right’ thing to do, and I liken you to my own mother when I suffered a miscarriage. You must be a wonderful person.

"I'm so sorry. Are you okay?"

Hearing those words instead of, "It was for the best," will make so much of a difference. When somebody miscarries, the last thing she (and her partner) wants to hear are statements like what I mentioned above, and:

"Don't worry. You can always have another."

"It must have been meant to be."

"You're young. You can always try again."

Those words, while often said with the best of intentions, do nothing but dismiss the loss of a baby everyone was in love with before he or she even came to this earth.

As you know, being the grandmother of this baby, you are grieving the loss of not only the child, but the plans, wishes, hopes and dreams you had for that baby. Your daughter-in-law and son are grieving those losses, too. Your heart is big and full of loving support already. If you stay on this path, you will be of great help.

Nothing happens quickly, and your daughter-in-law and son have already suffered the loss of a baby last year.

They are in a very sad situation and probably feel a bit hopeless about ever being able to have a family.

One thing to keep in mind is this: They may be afraid to try again. That's understandable and many who suffer more than one miscarriage feel this way.

Actually, one miscarriage can do it.

If that's the case, and they really want to have a baby, I'd gently suggest they talk to someone about it: her OBGYN and both of their primary care physicians. Also, they may need to find a support group and can check their local hospital to see if memorial services are offered for those who lost a child to miscarriage. I found a local hospital that offers such a service once a month, and I imagine this group of people have formed a special bond of support because they've all walked such a difficult road. They understand the pain all to well.

If your son or daughter-in-law need a way to simply vent, as you did here, please let them know about this site. Sometimes, writing your feelings down and getting them OUT helps tremendously. Your daughter-in-law, son, and perhaps yourself, may find great comfort in the words of those who have been here and shared their pain. A connection is formed and people feel far less alone when they realize there are others living the same.

Somehow, with faith, strength, and most of all, SUPPORT, we get through miscarriage- and any other loss. Support is a great key, and you are already a support system to your son and daughter-in-law.

I pray for comfort...for YOU, your daughter-in-law, and your son. It’s not an easy road to walk, as you already know, but with time, the journey towards healing begins. However, allowing yourself to grieve first is very important. Grief can't be buried or denied- otherwise, it stays inside and eats you up, preventing you from being able to heal.

Blessings to you and your family, and again, I am so sorry for what you've all been through. You're in my prayers. Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: "I'm fighting real hard to get through this."

by Ellen DuBois on 08/28/16



I'm sharing another comment below from a few years ago. As I read it again, I felt a couple of things. My heart went out to the woman who wrote it and I was acutely aware of the pain miscarriage leaves in its wake. I even remembered how I felt, and it's been twenty-five years since my miscarriage.

One thing's for sure, you don't forget the baby you loved but never got to hold. The baby you lose to miscarriage leaves footprints on your heart forever.

Here's the comment:

I came across this site and I'm so glad I did. Jan 30th I went in for a regular check up ( was 12 weeks) and expressed the changes I was feeling. I thought I was farther along due to more energy and I was getting big. The doctor felt I was not farther along and he wanted me to go in for an ultrasound the next day for a measurement. Something told me that something was not right and I told my husband that on our way out of the office. I know he felt I was just being over dramatic but something inside told me to prepare. See, I had a miscarriage 7 years prior with my ex-husband and I lost the baby at home. Once it was over he never spoke of it again nor did his family. Six months after the miscarriage we were divorced (he wanted no more children or the one we lost. I never really dealt with the loss, I just buried it inside. Now I am remarried to a wonderful man and 1 1/2 years after we married we had a beautiful little girl. She will be four and we wanted to try for another child (I'm 37 years old). Well, we did it and I was over excited due to it being my last time.

Everyone at work and home were very excited to walk this journey with us one more time. Which brings me back to Jan 30th. The next day we went to the ultrasound and I was trying to prepare myself for the worst. Unfortunately, I was right. There was no heart beat. Even though the tech tried to give me hope, I knew it was over. Of course, they had me come into the office the next day to draw hormone levels. I found out there was no heart beat on Tuesday and when Friday came I was wanting to crawl out of my skin.

Everyday my children (3 and 10) had to watch their mother cry and still looking pregnant sit at home waiting. That Friday at the doctor's office, they took my last draw of blood and I broke down begging them to take the baby that day and not make me wait thru the weekend. I remembered the bleeding and pain I went thru the last time and I did not want my children to watch me go thru that again. My nurse was so compassionate and she paged the doctor. He took me that day and I felt so relieved but yet so empty they were taking my baby away from me. I went back to work one week after the d & c and convinced everyone I was doing ok. I WAS NOT OK. This has opened the flood gates for me and not only am I dealing with this loss but the loss from 7 years ago as well.

I feel bad feelings towards my ex-husband for not acknowledging our baby and he does not even remember the name I picked out. I know I am truly blessed with my now husband and two children but my heart has been ripped out and I am now not dealing well with any of this. I have joined a support group and have been taking some anxiety meds. I started having anxiety attacks during work due to a lot of insensitive people. I found them trying to give me a lot of excuses why no one says anything to me about my loss but yet talks about another woman's pregnancy in front of me during a manager meeting and she is due the same month as me. All I ever get is that they did not know it would bother me or I should have left the meeting. I literally could not get out of my chair and I started to panick and prayed for them to stop or someone in the room would stand up for me. It did not happen and because of things like that my doctor took me off work for a month. I'm not sure if I want to go back, however, I know I should not make any decisions right now. They are all women and mothers. WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?

I am now home trying to get myself back. My husband has been great and we even picked out a necklace from "My Forever Child" together to remember both babies lost. I try to talk about my feelings a lot, but I am afraid of growing old with people. I have had some wonderful cards sent to me and I read them when I'm feeling down. This site has been really good for me and reading some of these stories have made me feel validated on my feelings. My husband has also read some with me and I felt it helped him understand we're not the only ones going thru this, unfortunately. I am fighting really hard to work thru this.

God bless everyone who is feeling what we feel. Thank you for listening.


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: Women Sharing Their Hearts

by Ellen DuBois on 08/24/16



Over the past ten years, (I can't believe it's been that long), I've gotten so many comments from women who have miscarried. I've read each one, responded to each one and deeply respect what it takes to share what's on your mind and in your heart. It's not easy, but in many ways, "venting" helps free yourself. Through "writing it out",  you allow for more healing to enter your mind, soul and body.

I've come to learn this over the years and believe we are all "works in progress".

If you're comfortable writing about your loss and life after miscarriage, or talking about it, then do it for you. It doesn't have to be here. It can be in a notebook, on your computer for your eyes only, or on this site where others will connect with you and relate to what you're feeling.

That connection often leads to more healing. Why? You feel less alone. You finally feel like someone "gets you".

Even though it's been a long time since my miscarriage, I remember feeling like nobody understood my pain. I remember feeling so, so alone. Sometimes, it was very scary. I felt like I'd never come out of it. Ever feel that way?

To anyone who feels alone after miscarriage, please know you're not. Here's a comment from a quite a while back I'd like to share. I still treasure each and every comment made here because I treasure the women, (and men), behind them. Your loss matters.

You matter.

God Bless, Ellen

Dear Ellen,

I wanted to take a moment to write and thank you. This site has been so helpful to me. I've taken comfort in all the women's stories here, although I wish they weren't hurting so much. I am, too, and have found that I feel much less alone in my suffering. I've had one miscarriage, and don't know if I could ever live through another. I was about eight weeks along and some bleeding started. Needless to say, the bleeding didn't stop and after a trip to my doctor's and an ultrasound, I was told my baby was "expired". What a horrific word!

I never felt any support from my doctor, the staff, or anyone, really. My husband has tried to be as supportive as he can, but he just doesn't get my mood swings, sudden outbursts of tears, and my feelings of jealousy when I see a pregnant woman.

Recently, I had to go to a baby shower for a wonderful friend, and I wanted to run out the door. I felt so guilty, and still do. I want to be happy for my friend and experience her pregnancy with her...instead, I cry everytime I leave her. It's as if I can't take it.

My husband wants to try for another baby, and I'm scared out of my mind. Even though it's what I want most in this whole world.

I've read your book, and I keep turning to certain parts of it because I find great comfort and strength from it. I want to thank you for providing me with a book that I can use again and again whenever I am feeling crazy or depressed. You offer helpful solutions to my emotional upset, along with making me feel like I am normal for grieving over a baby I never held, but loved.

I highly recommend this site and Ellen's book for any woman who has miscarried. You will find help and comfort in her book, and can use it again and again- whenever you feel the need for support, help, tips on feeling better, and most importantly, the reassurance that you have the right to grieve and feel whatever it is you're feeling.

God Bless all of you. My heart truly goes out to you and your family. Please keep the faith- I'm trying to with all my heart.

Sincerely, Donna



Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Supporting each other after miscarriage.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/17/16



 

Supporting each other after miscarriage. "You never know when you'll be the light in someone's darkness."- Ellen M. DuBois

 

I still remember reading this comment from a woman in Florida. It touched my heart then and still does today. You never know how you'll touch the life of another. That goes for everyone. We just don't know. There have been times in my life when someone's words had a profound impact on me, and they didn't even know it. There were days when a simple smile from a stranger literally made my day and pulled me out of my "funk".

You never know when you'll be the light in someone's darkness.

In that spirit, I share the follow comment I got a few years back:

Dear Ellen,
I want to thank you so much for this site and your book. I've suffered through three miscarriages, and have never felt as comforted by a book as I have yours.

There are times I don't know what to do with myself. This has gone on for about two years, (the time span in which I had my miscarriages).

After reading your book, and sharing it with a couple of friends who have also miscarried at least once, (strange that the three of us have all had at least one miscarriage), we decided it would be a good thing for our community to start a support group for women who'd miscarried.

Actually, between my two friends and I, we'd already started one and didn't realize it until we shared the idea of reaching out to others as you have with your book and this website.

One thing led to another and we posted flyers in the local library, town hall, and gave some to local OBGYN's. We set a date for our first support meeting, hoping at least one person would show up.

My house is quite small, so we opted to hold it at my friend's house to accomodate however many showed up. We were all going to speak, and then use your book as a guide to bring up issues, provide topics of discussion, and open up the floor for those who needed to vent, share, etc.

Well, I have to tell you, Ellen, my two friends and I were in NO way prepared for the number of women who came to this meeting! There were twenty-two guests, not including my friends and I.

Imagine twenty-five women joined together in a circle of support.

We talked, cried, shared, cried some more, and when the support meeting was over, we set a date for the next one being a month out.

Ellen, because of your willingness to share your feelings, write your book, get the help of Dr. Backman who is wonderful, we were inspired to form our Miscarriage Support Group.

I'd like to ask you a favor, and I know you must be busy. But, we'd like you to come up with a name for our group, and perhaps it will spread to other women around the country and world. Maybe they will the same and there will be one name for all of us who are sisters in miscarriage. We would greatly appreciate any ideas you have.

God Bless You, Ellen. Your book not only helped me, but is now being used as a guide for our new meetings and is helping other women in pain after miscarriage. A workbook to go along with your book would be great, if you have the time to write one.

Sincerely, A. Coy
Florida

(Note: I'm going to have to do some research to see what I may have suggested for a name. I'd love to hear from A. Coy to see how the group is doing, if it still exists and what name they decided upon. SHE became the light in someone's darkness, along with all the women in the group.)


Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.



Miscarriage: I wanted to scream.

by Ellen DuBois on 08/16/16



I think many of you can relate to this. After my miscarriage, I felt like nobody really understood the depth of my loss...how it consumed me. Please take heart. I know the road you're walking and over time, things do get easier. Be as patient with yourself as you can. Allow yourself to feel. While you're going through the worst of it, please know there are people who get it, get you and understand the gravity of your loss. Love and support to you, Ellen


For anyone either living through this now or has lived through life after miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss.

MiscarriageHelp.com:  The past ten years have been filled with tears, support, empathy, growing and understanding.  A sisterhood of women who've shared the pain of miscarriage has formed and grown in a way only the Internet can provide because of its reach. 

I never dreamed back when this site began that it would grow so exponentially.

I've been honored and am still honored to provide this platform for women, (men, too), to share their feelings after miscarriage. Often times, we feel supported simply by reading the comments made by others. Many times, you feel better by sharing what's been on your mind and heart with others. The act of "letting it out" goes a long way towards helping you heal.

Small steps. One day at a time.

How we grieve and what we experience after miscarriage is as different as we are. Yet, living through such a painful loss connects us. This connection, although we wish we never had to share it, gives us a certain comfort and reassurance. It speaks to your heart saying "You're not alone in this." Believe me, you are not.

That's the reason MiscarriageHelp.com exists and will continue to exist. That's the reason I wrote my book, too. But, there's another reason. I believe writing about my own experience after miscarriage helped me heal. I didn't know it at the time. It was a process. All these years later I see clearly how writing about my own pain, what helped and what didn't was in fact a form of therapy for me. Ten years later, I could probably write from an additional perspective- one with ten more years of growing and learning, sharing and caring.

I am continuing to share many of the comments made at MiscarriageHelp.com over the past ten years. Some date as far back as 2006. As I type this, I feel butterflies in my stomach and a deep feeling of gratitude. I am so thankful for having this site up so I could reach out. I am grateful to each and every one of you who has commented, shared your support or simply stopped by to read the comments here. We have all reached out to each other and to countless others.

To all of you who have experienced the pain of miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you always. - Ellen

Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. My name is Ellen DuBois, host of this site, miscarriage survivor, and author of I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery. If you or someone you love has suffered a miscarriage, please know you're not alone. Connect with people who understand.

Note: Some people find it difficult to post comments here because it's not very clear how to do it. Just hit the "comment" link under any post. I'll get your comment and respond. If it's easier, please email me. ellen@miscarriagehelp.com
Love & comfort to you, Ellen

The MiscarriageHelp.com Daily- paper.li- by Ellen DuBois. Updated daily with a curated selection of articles, blog posts, videos and photos. Click here. Miscarriage Support- Because Your Loss Matters.





Hello. My name is Ellen DuBois. Welcome to MiscarriageHelp.com. I am deeply sorry for your loss.



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"MiscarriageHelp.com is a support site for women and their families who have suffered the pain, loss and grief after miscarriage. I respond personally to each email and post and have been doing so since 2006. It's an outreach to me, as I try to connect and support those who have walked the often lonely road after miscarriage. Why? I don't want anyone to feel as alone as I did some twenty years ago after my own miscarriage." -Love & comfort to you, Ellen, - Ellen M. DuBois
I Never Held You: Miscarriage, Grief, Healing and Recovery








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